Shaq finally did to rap what he did to movies. The latest shocking revelations include:
Shaq has recorded 7 albums worth of rap.
This nauseating tidbit is the WMD of rap. Forget nukes in Iran let's find out where the master tapes are and end this very real threat of ear rape that hangs over our nation.
First and foremost any analysis of this line begins and ends with the mental image of Shaq spreading the ham and Kobe going in tongue first. While there is a certain justice in Shaq metaphorically impaling himself on the once and future NBA king of room service employee abuse. There remains the lifelong collateral damage of us being forced to imagine it. Even radiation poisoning eventually kills you. No such luck here. What's baffling is Shaq included himself in this repugnant scenario. Why not shove Kobe's head in somebody else's Charmin Zone?
"Last week Kobe couldn't do without me."
Well not if you're going to make him taste test you Shaq. What kind of season did Shaq have that leaves him in any way, shape or form triumphant in a comparison of 2008 playoff performance? Shaq is playing like the ghost of Derrick Coleman, a shuffling, creaky echo of his former self.
"I got a vasectomy now I can't breed 'em"
I don't necessarily mourn Shaq's surgical loss of fertility mainly because that's a gene pool so shallow it wouldn't get the soles of your shoes wet but Shaq's groin-o-centric rapping takes too much information to a whole new level of suck. Maybe he went with the snip job because colon polyp is too hard to rhyme.
Patrick Ewing
To top it all off he takes a swipe at Patrick Ewing's lack of a championship ring no doubt a result of a wacky random firing of synapses in his brain. Way to kick a guy in the sack for no good reason.
Stephen A. Smith
Shaq lumbered into damage control releasing a statement to ESPN's Stephen A. Smith. Smith's been shot so deep into ESPN's Phantom Zone it's a wonder Shaq found him. Shaq took a Freudian Slip joyride on his hastily crayoned statement. Telling Smith and critics not to:
"...make something out of nothing."
Shaq is his harshest critic here, but careful analysis of the video shows his rapping doesn't even meet the low standard of nothing.
"I'm totally cool with Kobe. No issue at all."
Yeah but Kobe might not be cool. I don't know about you but the rap doesn't seem very complimentary unless of course orbisculating that particular orifice appeals to you. Shaq went on to say he is:
"...the difference between first and last place"
Once again Shaq cold #### himself. Simple math, if you have Kobe on your team you're likely to finish in first place. If you have Shaq, say hello to my little friend, --last place.
I remember a time when all you had to do was say Kazaam to make a whole room full of NBA fans alternately snicker and vomit. Shaq was a great player, but acting wasn't his cup of tea, as it turns out rapping isn't his ocean of tea either.
