Whoever said life imitates sport was right on the money but what if real life held some of the answers for sports? A nonsensical notion at best but what if sports started paying attention to the unimportant world around it? Maybe it would look something like this... $20 million 'virtual' border fence scrapped The US Government is pitchforking $860 million taxpayer dollars into this boondoggle that makes the newly clothed emperor look naked yet smart. It's not a fence but a bunch of iPhones stapled to poles that pinpoint illegal aliens crossing our border and then take a pretty picture. While an "actual" fence is centuries-old proven technology costing 10% of the "virtual" fence, virtuality leapfrogs the whole fuddy-duddy fence as a physical barrier concept and replaces it with cutting edge stupidity. "Oops" the first $20 million dollars just got flushed down the drain... Sort of reminds you of the Detroit Tigers doesn't it? They built the best "virtual" baseball team in the off season for $130 million dollars and right now the 8-year, $152.3 million dollars they dumped down the Miguel Cabrera drain is looking all systems go. Swatting a very ordinary, .263 with 5 dingaroos, Fatty, as his teammates like to call him, waddled over to play 1st base after a grueling three-week stint at 3rd. Meanwhile Dontrelle Willis and his $7,000,000 salary are nestled safely on the DL with zero wins, just two-starts, a hyper-extended knee and a 7.20 ERA. Willis has all the fixin's o####iant floparoo of a season. After notching 9 wins out of twenty played the Tigers are tied with the dismal KC Royals who managed to spend a paltry $57 million dollars for the same result. It looked real good on paper. Israeli Airstrike Targeted Syrian Nuclear Reactor Despite being years away from completion and based on a photograph of a Syrian wearing a I Helped Build a Reactor at Al Kibar & All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt those wacky guys at the Israeli Defense Ministry bombed the snot bubbles out the Syrian site. Their policy of Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry is simple, bomb first and refuse to answer questions later. That same solution might be perfect for those New York Knicks, after a 2008 season where Isiah Thomas redefined imploding, coughing up millions for his #### lechery to childish squabbling with Stephon Marbury, he topped it all off with, Whoops there go all my real jobs. Winning 56 games over two years and losing 108 as coach Thomas is a certified triple threat, he stinks at being President, GM and Coach. He singlehandedly destroyed basketball as we know it in New York City. Kept on out of spite to wring a nickel's worth of value out of the money paid him, Isiah the Useless was peremptorily bombed by his successor Donnie Walsh the other day with the announcement Thomas is banned from having any contact with members of the team! While he doesn't have an office, desk, phone or chair Thomas can still speak to Madison Square Garden chairman James Dolan, but only after saying "Donnie may I?" Walsh strafed the smoking rubble of Isiah Thomas' career in a recent interview saying, "He's answering to me and nobody's reporting to him." I wonder what the question is? Life and sports intertwine in ways so wacky you can't even make it up...
KINSHASA (Reuters) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's ####es after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft... Purported victims claimed sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear...
We finally know why the Patriots lost the Super Bowl to the Giants...
Welcome to the NBA Christmas. Where we hand out gifts to the deserving and not so deserving. It isn't all coal in the stockings some guys have been very good this year. Santa has a great gift for the Cleveland Cavaliers. It's a LeBronBron. A GPS device that will help all the other guys on the team find the basket. No matter where they are on the court they'll get easy to follow directions to the hoop. Which should help. A lot. Shit####s. No kidding it's painful watching James and Ilgauskas twist in the wind while the rest of the team aspires to 2.1 points per game. The Warriors flat out spanked them yesterday. The fans were booing. Or is that LeBoo-ing? Santa brought Kobe something he'll treasure forever. A book that teaches Kobe how to share the ball and while Kobe should be proud of being the youngest guy to drop 20,000 points breaking Wilt's record (Wilt took 6 years to score 20k, Kobe took 11), he should notice there are four other guys wearing the same color uniform on the court. Bryant tantrum-ed his way into oblivion in LA and scoring a bazillion more points won't get him any closer to a ring if he never learns to pass, ask AI. So Santa found a bigger star to remind Kobe to dish the rock. Elvis. Santa brought a spotlight for Chris Kaman. He's 25 and coming into his own as the scoring threat he was in college. It's catching some NBA scribblers by surprise but not the Fowl Line; we said Napoleon Kaman was Dynamite in 2006. It's a shame he's on the Clippers. This year Kaman's averaging 18.6 PPG, 14 REB, 2.1 ASST, 49% FGP, and 39.1 MIN per game. Makes the next two guys look like money flushed down the toilet. Shaq and Ben Wallace are flat out stealing their paychecks this year. Yeah, we know Wallace has a busted foot that's why Santa brought them both shiny new Wheels for Christmas. God only knows they need them. Usually Shaq can whip his blubber-phonic game into shape by the playoffs but if Wallace were a racehorse he would be mighty nervous anytime an ALPO truck drove by. Santa has a special gift for Stephon Marbury. A smaller wallet. Cause his just got $195,000 lighter. And not because he's been naughty but because the greedy NBA is fining him for leaving the team while grieving the loss of his father. Shame on the NBA, shame on the Knicks for not dropping the fine instantly. Santa is already pissed he lost money because of that crooked referee now they're picking on a guy whose dad died. I don't care if you're an ax murderer there are just certain times of your life when everybody, including your employer, should cut you some freaking slack.
Your Father had a skier tumbling down a ski-jump, arms and legs flailing, while Jim McKay extolled the agony of defeat. You have a trash talking cornerback running up to a ref with a gob of Terrell Owens lung butter dripping from his face. Welcome to the Wide World of Spit.
Atlanta, Georgia (AP) "That's an unwritten rule in this league." That's an unwritten rule in life. You just don't hark up and gob a guy in the face. Let's face it, T.O. is just an earlobe nibble away from becoming the NFL's version of Mike Tyson.
Elsewhere in the Wide World of Spit
New York, New York (AP) - Spike Lee and his young daughter hurried away from their courtside seats, which were near where the brawl occurred... Great now we'll have to sit through a 47 hour HBO Documentary where Spike Lee manages to blame the 10 player Knicks-Nuggets brawl on George Bush, racial intolerance and a soup of societal woes that will squash all the fun out of multi-millionaires in shorts, king-fuing each other. Meanwhile Isiah Thomas indicated the brawl was caused by the Nuggets, "...having their way with us." Which is the latest trend in sports, it's called "Duke Rape Casing" where you accuse your opponent of raping you without any evidence. While microfiber roundball pundit, Stephen A. Smith, believes it was "Brokeback Basketball." George Karl's man love for Larry Brown manifested itself with Denver running up the score to scratch Isiah's eyes out.
New Delhi, India (AP) - An Indian runner who won a silver medal in the women's 800 meters in the Asian Games this month has failed a gender test and is expected to be stripped of the medal... OK, I'm pretty sure if they had simply stripped the runner after the race this whole gender issue could've been put to bed. See? It's impossible to write about this issue without punning or wondering why somebody didn't notice she/he's dangling participles.
Chicago, Illinois (Chicago Sun Times) ''Obviously, there'll be some things that I have to go through in the next couple of months that are going to be difficult for me, as well as my family, as well as the Bears..." Not as difficult as your roommate, who dropped all the way dead in a hail of gunfire twelve hours later. Tank Johnson, the suspended Chicago Bears defensive interior lineman, found a new way to turn the steaming pile of dogdirt his life has become into a glowing toxic Superfund site. Arrested for guns discovered in a drug raid on the apartment he shared with the newly dearly departed Willie Posey, Johnson now leads the 2006 Bears roster in arrests, 3, as well as irony since the shooting followed Johnson's apology, ''...for causing a distraction...''
ile grieving the loss of his father. Shame on the NBA, shame on the Knicks for not dropping the fine instantly. Santa is already pissed he lost money because of that crooked referee now they're picking on a guy whose dad died. I don't care if you're an ax murderer there are just certain times of your life when everybody, including your employer, should cut you some freaking slack.
