Brett Favre said it in his 1st press conference as a Jet. "I'm not a traitor." He might not be but that isn't always the case, here are some of the greatest traitors in the history of sports... Terrell Owens--Philadelphia Eagles After a brilliant 2004 season and gutsy broken leg performance in a Super Bowl loss to the Patriots, Owens flushes the Philly fan love down the toilet when he hires Drew Rosenhaus as his new agent and tries to renegotiate his contract. On November 3rd, 2005, after an ESPN interview where he calls the Eagles classless and agrees to a statement that the Eagles would be undefeated if Favre was the QB instead of McNabb, Owens is suspended four games without pay and deactivated for the season. Owens is released by the Eagles on March 16, 2006 and signs with the one team Philly fans hate the most. The Dallas Cowboys. Whatever the world thinks of Iggles fans booing Michael Irvin when his career ends in injury at the Vet nothing before or after will compare to the racket made if Owens goes down at the Linc. Clay Bennett--The Seattle Supersonics In 2006, the Sonics were sold to an investment group led by Clay Bennett, who said the team would stay in Seattle. When the city balks at dropping half-a-billion dollars on building an entire mall around a basketball court Bennett announces he's moving the team. Court documents reveal Bennett and his partners never had any intention of staying in Seattle. After a $45-million dollar settlement with the city, 41-years of basketball history and tradition go up in a puff of legal smoke. The renamed Oklahoma City Thunder kicks off its inaugural season in 2008-2009. Johnny Damon--The Boston Red Sox In 2004 Boston Red Sox Johnny Damon is one of the most feared leadoff hitters in the American League. His swatting leads the Sox past the hated Yankees in the ALCS on the way to the BoSox first World Series triumph in 86 years. In 2005 Damon becomes a free agent and is quoted, "There's no way I can go play for the Yankees..." His wife says, "I can't see him in a Yankees uniform..." She can now. On December 20, 2005, Damon signs a 4-year, $52 million dollar contract with the New York Yankees. BoSox fans take to wearing T-shirts reading, "Looks like Jesus. Acts like Judas. Throws like Mary." Carlos Boozer--The Cleveland Cavaliers Is there a better story than the way Boozer played the Cleveland Cavaliers like a drunk sorority sister? In 2004, the Cavs agree to release Boozer if he signs a new contract for the maximum mid-level exception. Boozer says yes and swears on a stack of bibles so the Cavs release him. Boozer promptly signs with the Utah Jazz for $70-million dollars claiming he had his fingers-crossed the whole time.
Robert Irsay--The Baltimore Colts After contentious and protracted negotiations with Baltimore for a new stadium and constant promises to not move the team, owner Robert Irsay has workers show up at 2:00 AM on March 29, 1984. They load all of the team's equipment onto trucks and the Baltimore Colts belong to history. Johnny Unitas identifies himself as a Baltimore Colt until the day he dies. He completely ignores the Colts in Indianapolis. He leaves the same instructions in his will.
Eric Mangini--The New England Patriots He never has a problem with the Patriots cheating while he works for them but the Lizzie Borden of NFL coaches couldn't wait to bury the ax head-deep in his ex-boss. Newly-minted Jets Head Coach Eric Mangini blows the whistle on Bill Belichik and the Patriots videotaping scheme. Belichik and the Patriots reputation, rightly or wrongly, go down swinging in an avalanche of media tar and feathers. I wonder if Belichik ever stops and thinks about the glowing recommendation he gave Mangini when the Jets called for a reference?
There are so many others--I'm looking forward to your dishonor roll in the comments...
Pro-Football needs to go green and can't wait any longer. The ozone is depleted over every major football stadium in the country. Global warming is real because Al Gore says so, science and facts be damned that's good enough for me. After all Al Gore invented the internet, manned flight and the little light that tells you your power strip is working. Here are the best ideas being considered for the NFL...btw, I'm doing my part...I'm typing this from my eco-friendly laptop made from hemp and powered by the hysteria o####reen Peace activist.
Turf The game will no longer be played on man's deadliest enemy, natural grass. The sneaky sward has it in for us like all plants. Look no further than M. Night Shamalamading####'s latest film "The Happening" and you'll see a grim vision where plants and a poor plot can ruin any film as well as kill unsuspecting donut fed humans. Nope, bring on the gravel. Gravel provides excellent traction and doesn't have a brain! The brainless gravel is happy to be here and won't figure out how to ruin the ozone layer for at least another ten to fifteen years according to my calculations.
Helmets Wearing a helmet is important in football but so is the environment. Those shiny plastic helmets reflect the sun. Did you know the sun is our natural enemy? Helmets coated with a non-reflective maple syrup based paint will absorb the sun safely and make the players smell like pancakes. Everybody loves pancakes.
Footballs Footballs made out of leather are gone because leather comes from cows, and as we now suspect, those sneaky bovines spend all day floating grass biscuits wrapping this planet in greenhouse gas to seal our udder doom. Instead footballs made from a composite of gas inert concrete, lead and rhinestones make their debut this year. So far this experimental football is somewhat less than desirable in terms of toss ability but think of the children.
Coaches The single largest source of NFL greenhouse gases emitted come from the sideline and it's time to green up. Philly's Andy Reid for instance emits more greenhouse gases than the average herd of cows and he lives in the fattest city in America. Coaches are restricted to a diet of prune juice and tofu. While this may result in a few "sideline incidents" we can cut the gaseous emissions 45% in the first season alone. Trees planted along the sidelines will scrub the air overhead and while this will block the view for 65% of season ticket holders once again you selfish sports ####s think of the children.
Injuries Players won't leave a jumbo carbon footprint every time they shred their ACL in twelve places during a game. The golf cart is off the table. Instead a rope tied around their waist allows us to winch them off the field lickety-split. Being winched across gravel can be somewhat painful so players will be issued an emergency aspirin as part of their gear at the start of each season and a juice box.
Cheerleaders We all love them. God bless their perky smiles but let's get real here people they raise the temperature and respiration rate of 94% of the men in the stadium with their rump shaking booties. Let me repeat the key point here, rump--shaking--booties. They have to go and we'll shave a whole .00000006% of a degree off the temperature of the stadium every game and that adds up over centuries. Instead the NFL is pleased to announce their latest innovation: Lunch Ladies of the NFL. These much loved, scantily clad, mustachioed ladies bring a certain "#### de Vive" to the art of cheerleadery. Enjoy.
The Patriots The Patriots are sneaky and if there's any way around the new green NFL they'll find it. Consequently they will wear eco-monitors around their ankles until further notice. These ankle monitors will sound an audible alert whenever they attempt to buy or sell fossil fuel or light a cigarette and we all know what second or third-hand smoke is capable of...
Now this is a good start. Let's all do our best to meet this challenge head on. After all, think of the children.
According to the Associated Press a Denver man wants the city to be prepared for space aliens and proposes a commission to deal with the matter. 54-year-old Jeff Peckman says an 18-member commission would form a strategy "...dealing with issues related to the presence of extraterrestrial beings on Earth." Surprisingly Peckman is still short of the 4,000 signatures needed to put the matter on next November's ballot.
LeBron James After bricking an 8 for 42 against the Celtics in their first two playoff games clearly he's been replaced by a clone from a galaxy far, far, away. Unable to get very good reception because of the whole change to digital broadcasting in 2009, his home planet, THX1138 only had reruns of a Kwame Brown highlight reel to base his basketball skills on. The LeBron clone slipped up after the Celtics loss when he said, "Being down 0-2, that's a tough hole to dig yourself out of. But if we want to win the series we've got to do it, even if we have to vaporize Garnett, Allen and Pierce."
The White Sox I don't know what solar system thinks men "stacking their bats" in front of a blow up doll isn't #### but it sure as hell isn't this one. And when you get right down to it there couldn't have been one single human in that locker room or he would have said as much in disgust.
Bill Belichick Come on. Who doesn't think he's an alien? The hoodie sweatshirt to hide the antennae sticking out of the back of his head? The robot stare? Spygate? Belichick was recently overheard talking to Roger Goodell when he said, "I knew I should have just caught the other team's coordinators in the tunnels and sucked their brains out with a straw." Richie Sexson Has also been absorbed by the alien collective. There's no way the human Richie Sexson would charge the mound after a pitch had been thrown at him yesterday. The human Sexson would already be on the DL this late in the season.
Dennis Rodman A gimme, confirmed by MIB and still thinks he can play basketball in the NBA. What would you expect from a guy who calls Solaxiant 9 home?
There are others who walk among us on the fields of green and hardwood floors of our hometowns. You might even know a few or suspect. This is the place and time to take a stand before all of sports is overrun and the only thing from earth is the bat or the ball.
The NFL Draft is like watching other kids open Christmas presents that suck. After all the mock drafts and blow-harding by the same experts year after year what you end up with as a fan is a big fat zero. Mock Drafts The most asinine of all endeavors. Where and when did it become not only important to guess what player will go where, but then grade yourself or others on how accurately they guessed? To what point? The teams themselves don't read mock drafts. The players selected with the first ten picks are so obvious you'd have to be under a rock not to guess them. I guess if you're anxiously waiting for the next issue of Coin Flip Quarterly a mock draft is right up your alley but for most fans it's an irritation we can live without. If you made up or read an entire seven round mock draft, get help. The First Round The stuff dreams are made of. But if you do a little research you'll find the gulf between the first ten picks and the next twenty-two is bigger than the Grand Canyon. Take QB's for instance, in twenty-years no QB taken from 11-32 has made the Pro-Bowl except as a spectator. Of the forty-plus QB's taken in the 1st round, 3 have won a Super Bowl and if your last name isn't Manning that number dwindles to one. Running backs taken in the 1st round #### out faster than a Yugo. Yet the 1st round mystique endures. Look at Andy Reid & the Eagles, he's backed the team out of the 1st round two years running because he knows what nobody will say out loud, if you don't have that #1-10 it isn't worth overpaying the 1st round bust. So do the math; Matt Ryan, (#3-Falcons), has a 7% chance of winning the Super Bowl in his entire career. Joe Flacco, (#18-Ravens), won't even make the Pro-Bowl. The Combine This is where the intense navel gazing pays off for the experts spewing out the raw sewage that gets lovingly crafted into countless mock drafts. Every year some combine darling vaults into the 1st round. This year's darling, Ohio State one-year-wonder DE, Vernon Gholston, charmed his way onto the Jets who wasted the 6th pick in the draft on him. Those wacky Jets, how they keep their fans from killing themselves never ceases to amaze me. You'll hear Gholston's name over and over for the next ten years whenever anybody is talking draft busts. I'll take a side order of Kyle Brady with that... Offensive and Defensive Linemen Did anyone get the same feeling I did they were watching the same film clips over and over? Behemoth crushes QB or RB, behemoth blocks for QB or RB. Is there a studio that just churns these mind numbing clips out all year long? Then you get the inane banter and dribble leading into the dullest thing ever saved on video, a clip of their combine workout. Never have little orange cones played as big a role in entertainment. Millions of people watching fat guys gallop around tiny cones. Excitement, Excitement, Excitement The draft has all the suspense of waiting for a bus on a rainy day. You're glad when it arrives but soon after you're crammed next to a guy that smells like a wet dog. The NFL draft provides the same experience when your team picks an unknown, undersized fill-in-the-blank player bracketed by two "Can't Miss" prospects who go onto Hall of Fame careers...couple this with mind numbing commercial breaks, thanks Tiger for inventing water with even more electrolytes in between winning golf tournaments in space, and you have two days of must not see sports TV. Holding Up the Jerseys With the number they were drafted. Please for the love of God we know you'll give them a uniform, it's a league rule, stop this awful practice. Grading the Draft The same knuckleheads that couldn't guess who got picked where are trotted out to #### on the teams who didn't listen to them to begin with. This is like asking a psychic to tell the future right after all the things they said would happen didn't. Simple fact is some of these guys will be very good players, some OK and not so surprisingly most are training camp cannon fodder. Next year I'm going fly fishing and I'm pretty sure sitting by a creek trying to outwit a fish can't be any less interesting than watching the NFL Draft.
Whoever said life imitates sport was right on the money but what if real life held some of the answers for sports? A nonsensical notion at best but what if sports started paying attention to the unimportant world around it? Maybe it would look something like this... $20 million 'virtual' border fence scrapped The US Government is pitchforking $860 million taxpayer dollars into this boondoggle that makes the newly clothed emperor look naked yet smart. It's not a fence but a bunch of iPhones stapled to poles that pinpoint illegal aliens crossing our border and then take a pretty picture. While an "actual" fence is centuries-old proven technology costing 10% of the "virtual" fence, virtuality leapfrogs the whole fuddy-duddy fence as a physical barrier concept and replaces it with cutting edge stupidity. "Oops" the first $20 million dollars just got flushed down the drain... Sort of reminds you of the Detroit Tigers doesn't it? They built the best "virtual" baseball team in the off season for $130 million dollars and right now the 8-year, $152.3 million dollars they dumped down the Miguel Cabrera drain is looking all systems go. Swatting a very ordinary, .263 with 5 dingaroos, Fatty, as his teammates like to call him, waddled over to play 1st base after a grueling three-week stint at 3rd. Meanwhile Dontrelle Willis and his $7,000,000 salary are nestled safely on the DL with zero wins, just two-starts, a hyper-extended knee and a 7.20 ERA. Willis has all the fixin's o####iant floparoo of a season. After notching 9 wins out of twenty played the Tigers are tied with the dismal KC Royals who managed to spend a paltry $57 million dollars for the same result. It looked real good on paper. Israeli Airstrike Targeted Syrian Nuclear Reactor Despite being years away from completion and based on a photograph of a Syrian wearing a I Helped Build a Reactor at Al Kibar & All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt those wacky guys at the Israeli Defense Ministry bombed the snot bubbles out the Syrian site. Their policy of Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry is simple, bomb first and refuse to answer questions later. That same solution might be perfect for those New York Knicks, after a 2008 season where Isiah Thomas redefined imploding, coughing up millions for his #### lechery to childish squabbling with Stephon Marbury, he topped it all off with, Whoops there go all my real jobs. Winning 56 games over two years and losing 108 as coach Thomas is a certified triple threat, he stinks at being President, GM and Coach. He singlehandedly destroyed basketball as we know it in New York City. Kept on out of spite to wring a nickel's worth of value out of the money paid him, Isiah the Useless was peremptorily bombed by his successor Donnie Walsh the other day with the announcement Thomas is banned from having any contact with members of the team! While he doesn't have an office, desk, phone or chair Thomas can still speak to Madison Square Garden chairman James Dolan, but only after saying "Donnie may I?" Walsh strafed the smoking rubble of Isiah Thomas' career in a recent interview saying, "He's answering to me and nobody's reporting to him." I wonder what the question is? Life and sports intertwine in ways so wacky you can't even make it up...
KINSHASA (Reuters) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's ####es after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft... Purported victims claimed sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear...
We finally know why the Patriots lost the Super Bowl to the Giants...
Sports Hell isn't a single place, it's actually many but each one casts unsuspecting, undeserving fans into a bubbling, sulfurous cauldron of mediocrity, anguish and slow roasted agony. The fuel of Sports Hell is bad trades, bad decisions, reckless athletes, stingy owners, and everything else squeezed tight until it explodes in a blinding flash. Welcome to the 8th circle of... Look if you dare... Phoenix Fans will never forget the day when they rolled out of bed and stepped straight into fire and brimstone brought to them by the aptly named Suns. Sports Hell many times starts with a single sentence like "Shaq passes physical"...that really spells unendurable agony for Phoenix. Shaq'ling the speedy Suns makes as much sense as sawing Steve Nash's legs off and trading them to Chicago for Ben Wallace. Congrats Steve Kerr for finally matching somebody up with that other aging leviathan Chris Webber. Sports Hell is everywhere. Boston The Patriots brought a little bit of the Sun's luck back with them, arriving undefeated and leaving the Biggest Loser since Tank Johnson. The Patriots and their fans got greased by Satan himself, Roger Goodell who purposely hung them out to dry by not responding to Senator Arlen Specter until January 31st, which smelled worse than fish left in a desk drawer. The Patriots didn't deserve getting tea bagged two days before the Super Bowl. Ah Sports Hell it's a dry heat. New York Oh those poor Mets fans no sooner do the Mets sign Johann Santana and Pedro Martinez goes and Vick's a chicken. HA HA HA, Sports Hell has a sense of humor! Martinez and HOF'er Juan Marichal shared a laugh before releasing the roosters and flushing Martinez's career down the toilet. The two were honorary "soltadores," for Mets fans that means the #### starter who chucks the chicken into the cockfighting ring to meet a brutal fate. Congrats are in order for Juan Marichal, for being a winner in all he does, his #### killed the catcrap out of Martinez's. In Sports Hell cockfighting we have a rule, never bet on a chicken named Rotisserie. Washington Oh yes my friends the coaching vacancy of the Washington Redskins is the 9th circle of Sports Hell. Each day the fans are spitted and rotated slowly as possible while every conceivable candidate including Ashlee Simpson endures a marathon 12 hour Dan Snyder interview bracketed by 90 minutes of football phone sex. The latest victim is the New York Giants Steve Spagnuolo. The long suffering Redskin faithful wonder if the problem is Snyder's man-crush Tom Cruise checking the candidates for Thetans. The only good thing Sports Hell can say about Snyder is he fired the anti-Christ of NFL head coaches, Norv Turner. Washington Post writer Sally Jenkins said it best, "Daniel Snyder isn't really looking for a head coach, he just wants to hire another butler." Sports Hell is dry roasted like a peanut.
The Patriots didn't lose the Super Bowl last night. They lost it March 22, 2006 when Adam Vinatieri signed with the Indianapolis Colts. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, that was the on ramp. The game was the last act o####reek tragedy. When New England failed to franchise tag Vinatieri he bolted to the Colts, Vinatieri was responsible for making two game winning Super Bowl field goals for the Patriots and kicking the margin of victory in their third win. He was also their good luck charm. Since he's left so has their Super Bowl luck. When Belichick needed a kicker and good luck charm the most, all he had was a guy named Gostkowski whose not so gifted foot gifted the Giants a 35-yard head start after he squadooshed a post-TD kickoff out of bounds. Scientists calculate you'd need a Slurpee the volume of five Olympic swimming pools to cause the brain freeze that blacked Belichick out on 4th and 13 yards to go in the 3rd quarter. Kick a 48-yard field goal and go ahead by a touchdown, or (and I'm certain this occurred to 2/3rds of us 2.3 billion people watching), throw an incomplete Fail Mary to Jabar Gaffney in double coverage. When Belichik regained consciousness his first words were "Gostkowski missed?" Let's face it at no point in his life has Belichick regretted not being able to phone-a-friend like Vinatieri to make that kick in a dome. The Patriots lost last night's Super Bowl a second time on January 20, 2006 when they named Josh McDaniels offensive coordinator. I'm not saying he won't turn out to be a great coordinator, but being a successful QB coach for Tom Brady might owe more to Brady's talent than McDaniels insight. If a regular season football game is the biggest stage in the world, the playoffs are played on a basketball court. Every mistake and weakness amplified, exploited and experience counts. Unfortunately for Josh, the Super Bowl is played on a postage stamp. By the time you regain your composure the Pro Bowl is over. McDaniels isn't the first NFL whiz kid to find out even the quick are dead if the wrong plays are called anywhere near a Roman numeral game. Time dilates so do opportunities. He didn't adjust Brady's drop. He didn't roll Brady away from trouble. In a nail-biting ball-control football game, (and with depth at wide receiver other teams can only dream of), McDaniels didn't spread the defense and work a short field in the face of a duck-stamping blitz. The blocking schemes were terrible. It seemed like he expected the Giants to come to their senses and finally play the Patriots game. NFC East football at its terrible best is a brutal game of attrition, the Patriots looked like European hockey players at their first knife fight. This was one of the greatest Super Bowls of all time. A game for the ages. After all the hoopla it came down to players on the field and the game being played. Regardless of loyalties you had to recognize both teams fought hard to the bitter end and transcended all that is wrong with pro-sports today. I didn't care about Spygate I wanted to see the Patriots run the board and I was equally delighted to see the Giants pull off the greatest upset of all time. With a hoagie and an ice cold beer I was King of Sportsylvania for a day.
The rats are abandoning the sinking ship faster than New England can bail. The New England Patriots cheated their way through their run of improbable Super Bowl victories. The Boston Herald reports the Patriots videotaped the Rams final walk through before Super Bowl XXXVI.
The narrow margin of their Super Bowl wins and this stunning revelation makes short work of the theory videotaping didn't give the Patriots an unfair advantage. New England's cheating is ongoing, systemic and made possible all their so called success.
According to Mike & Mike in the Morning, The St. Louis Rams walk through worked specifically on offensive plays in the red zone. In the 4th quarter in the red zone the Rams were stopped on three consecutive plays and scored on the 4th, a QB sneak, which was called during a timeout and was not covered in the walk through.
Fact: The 14-3 New England advantage at halftime was the the first time in the 2001 season St. Louis fell behind in a game by more than eight points, in fact the Rams were 14 point favorites in the game.
Bud Selig 2.0 It's high time Roger Goodell, gets off the raft he's
floating on down the Denial River. When asked about the Herald's report
during his oblivious NFL state of the game address on Friday, Goodell
managed a non-responsive "I'm not aware of that."
Furthermore Goodell went on to praise the Patriots unaware a former
Patriots video assistant has come forward alleging the scope of the
Patriots video cheating goes back almost a decade.
The Time Line according to the Boston Herald: ***The Patriots have their final walk through ***An unidentified Patriots employee from New England's video department, stays behind and films the Rams. ***The cameraman rides the media shuttle back to the hotel What is not known What happened with the tape after that point? Did the cameraman act alone or were there more cameramen on the grassy knoll? Who instructed him to film the Rams?
What We Know They Filmed NFL Security confiscated five tapes from Patriots-New York Jets game in September 2007, and one tape from a Patriots video assistant during New England's 38-14 victory over New York at Giants Stadium.
According to Goodell the tapes showed;
Coaches making signals
Indications of down and distances
Sticking Your Head in the Sand Won't Make it Go Away How Goodell drew the conclusion, "I think it probably had a limited effect -- if any -- on the outcome of any game," indicates a grotesque and fundamental lack of judgment, even somebody with a rudimentary knowledge of football could make instant use of signal, down, and distance.
The Rampant Speculation Pennsylvania Senator Arlen "Magic Bullet" Specter, R-Pa., no stranger to allegations of broad and far reaching conspiracies himself, is already breathing down Goodell's neck over destruction of previously seized tapes from this year's New England Patriots Spygate cheating scandal.
The New York Times quotes Sen. Specter from a letter sent to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, "I am very concerned about the underlying facts on the taping, the reasons for the judgment on the limited penalties and, most of all, on the inexplicable destruction of the tapes."
The Senator said the matter puts the league's antitrust exemption at risk, Specter said the the Senate Judiciary Committee will call Goodell to address the antitrust exemption as well as the destruction of the tapes.
All of which occurred prior to the Boston Herald bombshell on Friday.
Let's trot out Bill Belichick's standard answer to the inevitable avalanche of questions in this matter and save everybody the time wasted by asking him;
"It's a league matter," Patriots coach Bill Belichick said during his news conference. "I don't know anything about it." Feel free to use this I have a whole box full just like it out in the garage.
A Letter Goodell Wishes He Never Sent In a Jan. 31 gobbledygook letter sent to Specter, Goodell said the tapes and investigation notes were destroyed ensuring the Patriots "would not secure any possible competitive advantage as a result of the misconduct."
What Goodell apparently forgot to add was, "Like they did on so many prior occasions." How could tapes in the possession of the Commissioner result in the Patriots getting any advantage? They've already seen the tapes. Who's to say they didn't make copies? Meanwhile despite two letters from a US Senator sent in November and December Goodell claims in his reply he just found out about Specter's inquiries. "There's a credibility issue here," Specter said. The Truth is Out There or Would You Like Juice with the Egg on Your Face Roger? Matt Walsh, former Patriots video assistant from 1996-2003 , says he has information embarrassing to both the NFL and the Patriots about videotaping that occurred prior to the Jets scandal this year and the NFL failed to interview him during the so called investigation afterwards. "If they're doing a thorough investigation … they didn't contact me, so draw your own conclusions," Walsh said.
The Big Finish, What has Every Failed Marriage Taught Us? Cheaters don't stop when they get caught. They find new ways to cheat. Divorce wouldn't be the national sport it is if cheating spouses stopped after the first discovered bite of forbidden fruit. A cheater cheats because it profits them. As long as the cost doesn't exceed the reward the likelihood of their stopping is nil. What's a draft pick compared to a Super Bowl ring? Once a cheater heads down the path can you ever trust them again? Can you change the spots on a zebra? The stripes on a leopard? After all it's only human nature.
Late Breaking Denial From the NFL "We were aware of the rumor months ago and looked into it. There was no evidence of it on the tapes or in the notes produced by the Patriots, and the Patriots told us it was not true," NFL spokesman Greg Aiello told The Associated Press.
That is possibly, probably, most assuredly the dumbest thing I've ever read. So stupid my IQ drops every time I look at it. So the NFL relied solely on the Patriots tapes and their word they didn't do it. OK I give up, if they say they didn't do it, that's Goodell enough for me... NB: Information used in this report was taken from FOXSports.com, the Boston Herald, the New York Times, and ESPN.
I know a bunch a you will claim a guy wrapping his legs & arms around your torso and hanging on for dear life is a mean #### sport, albeit horrifically ####, or some guy named Derek swatting the pill is all that and a bag of Sun Chips, or Brady bunching two picks in the AFC Title game wasn't the beginning of the end of his career... but for my money Steven Seagal is badder than them all...here's why...First off, people call him Sensei because he's an expert on being Steven Seagal, which is not as easy as it looks...other facts you need to know... If birds fly over Steven Seagal they drop dead out of the sky.
If you make eye contact with Steven Seagal you get a nosebleed.
If you take Steven Seagal's picture he steals your soul.
If Steven Seagal met Chuck Norris, Chuck would back way the #@$! down.
If American Indians didn't allow Steven Seagal to claim he was the Chosen One in On Deadly Ground he would have neck snapped every remaining Indian left on the face of the earth. Steven Seagal's movies go straight to video because movie screens aren't strong enough to hold them.
Steven Seagal still has a mullet, business in the front, party in the back.
Even though Steven Seagal is really, really fat he still wears pajammies everywhere he goes because he will neck snap you if you laugh at him.
Steven Seagal doesn't want to run for President of the United States because then he wouldn't be able to neck snap anyone he wanted to.
Steven Seagal flosses his teeth with Jason Statham. When Steven Seagal goes to a proctologist chunks of Randy Couture are in his stool sample.
Anderson Silva calls him Mr. Seagal, politely.
When Steven Seagal laughs angels die.
Steven Seagal once killed a man simply by explaining his ideas on Oriental philosophy.
If you dream Steven Seagal kills you, you stay dead and the coroner secretly knows why. When Steven Seagal plays the guitar he doesn't bend the strings he bends the guitar.
Steven Seagal isn't fat he's getting in character to star in Oliver Stone's The Last Days of Ninja Elvis.
Steven Seagal uses Jean Claude Van Damme as a sunshade in his Hummer.
If you put Superman, Batman & Steven Seagal in a room, Seagal would come out with two capes and a utility belt.
Texas is replacing the death penalty with Steven Seagal.
The wheels are falling off the Patriots perfect season. Massive favorites against the Philadelphia Eagles the Patriots barely survived 31-28. Who threw for 351 yards and 3 TD's? It wasn't Tom Brady, it was journeyman backup QB, A.J. Feeley who started for the 1st time since 2004 and even though he threw three picks it shows the Run-Up-the-Score pompous Patriots are mortal. Tom Brady managed to find the end zone once which blasted his three consecutive TD's per game streak out of the duck pond. At the end of the game you could hear Robert Loggia barking like he did at the end of Independence Day when the massive alien space ships crashed and burned like Courtney Love's career as an actress--"Let's get on the wire. Tell every squadron around the world how to shoot those @%^&!'ers down." The Eagles lost but the real losers are the Patriots because when they lose next week or the week after (and they are going to lose this season), it all started here. I hope the Patriots took plenty of pictures but really this game will haunt them. The Eagles are the Kryptonite that killed Superman. Finally, I don't ordinarily use a coaster for my beer but this could catch on. I wonder if they sell them as a set or individually...
Where do elephants go to die? Somewhere there’s a pile of tusks higher than Mount
Kilimanjaro. But what about great
athletes we all remember the glory years, Unitas with the Colts, Montana with
the Niners, Carlton with the Phillies, or Jordan with the Bulls. Where do great careers go to die? Like victims of childhood abuse we repress
the memories of our heroes in the wrong uniform, reject the notion they hung on
too long, or didn’t know when to hang them up.
Like a horror movie where a hand bursts out of the ground and grabs the
surviving Barbie’s ankle, right when you thought it was
over, we bring you;
Twilight of the Gods!!!
Michael Jordan Washington Wizards Babe Ruth Boston Braves Wayne Gretzky New York Rangers Willie Mays New York Mets Wilt Chamberlain ABA San Diego Conquistadors Hank Aaron Milwaukee Brewers Ty Cobb Philadelphia Athletics Gordie Howe Hartford Whalers Joe Montana Kansas City Chiefs Steve Carlton Minnesota Twins Jerry Rice Denver Broncos Johnny Unitas San Diego Chargers Oscar Robertson Milwaukee Bucks Pete Rose Montreal Expos Richie Ashburn New York Mets Satchel Paige Kansas City Athletics Deion Sanders Baltimore Ravens Bobby Hull Hartford Whalers Rogers Hornsby St. Louis Browns
This list is by no means comprehensive, I'm sure there are some glaring omissions, some are occurring on a team near you right now. I encourage you to fill in the blanks as only true sports fans can, while we journey down a trash strewn path called "Twilight of the Gods…"
Face it bad ideas go farther today than they did in the Dark Ages.Fleas are good for spreading the plague but not so hot at text messaging. Despite yawning indifference to major league baseball's IHOP in the spring and the queasy feeling it left watching soccer fans celebrate home runs, the NFL is pressing forward to play two regular season games abroad in what I like to think of as "Jet Lag Bowl 1 & 2."
Remember the Hertz First there's the quality difference. Who can forget the "Valencia Bomber" Endy Chavez swinging yard in the IHOP? Or MLB players shred the South African National Team even though they played without shoes and one hand tied behind their backs? The NFL solves that quality issue by making four actual NFL teams get passports, vaccinations and Dramamine. Why? Is that really the best course for football? I think seeing 103,000 people in Mexico cheer on the Tijuana eleven as the Texans run it up 323 to nothing not only offers a so-so chance for the Houston Texans to finally win big, it gives Texas another chance to remember the Hertz, I mean remember the Enterprise, Oh yeah, remember the Alamo. Couple that with a point spread to die for like "Think the Texans will cover 323 & 1/2?" Or "What about the over and under at 324?" and bookies would rake in the cabbage.
Border Security Besides the sight of 400-pound NFL linemen flattening the undersized opposition would be a ratings hit on the order of American Idol. No fair sneaking a bunch of well fed, athletic Hispanic Americans back into Mexico either. Once they or their ancestors crossed the border they're ours. Other proposed sites include Canada, the United Kingdom and Germany which allows us the spectacle of guys named Wally, Nigel, Dieter and Hans running around looking for a yellow card after a guy like Brian Urhlacher clotheslines them.
Who Do that Tagliabue Like You Do? "It now gives us a platform to grow the game internationally with a concept of clarity," says Mark Waller, head of NFL international development. We say Huh? Never use the word clarity in a sentence that's incomprehensible. On the other hand things grow pretty well in BS so this might be just the thing to sprinkle around the concept. NFL lame duck commissioner Paul Tagliabue called developing the game internationally one of his top five accomplishments. The other four being stadium extortion, dilution by over-expansion, Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction and keeping Barry Bonds out of football.
10,000,000 Frenchmen Can't be Wrong Hanover and Leipzig are the leading candidates for NFL Europe expansion clubs. The Amsterdam Admirals are the only NFL Europe team located outside Germany. Which makes sense. I can't imagine a guy named Jacques leading the league in sacks or "Mon Dieu Monsieur Pepe!" screamed every time an arena league caliber quarterback throws an interception. If in some small way NFL Europe gives the Germans an outlet for their "Let's enslave Europe, third time's a charm" aggression, I'm all for it, no matter what the cost. I say footballs not bullets and long bombs instead of incendiary bombs.
The Future of Giant Foam Fingers "It's clearly critical to the future of the game internationally," while Jim Connelly; managing director NFL Europe certainly has a flair for overstating the obvious he only had months or years to come up with something better. International junk is best suited to um, err, international places. Why would playing these games in Toledo or Kalamazoo fire up Albanians to "make football" or the Swiss to wear hats that look like cheese while waving giant foam fingers?
Outsourcing the International House of Pancakes Sports turning multinational is the same thing that made Coca Cola what it is today, a pale high fructose corn syrup approximation of the real thing. It made Exxon-Mobil as expensive in Dubai as it is here and put the swoosh into the miserable lives and pockets of some lucky kids in Asia privileged to pump air into Nike at 3 cents a day. Welcome to your lowest averaged cost per unit NFL, it might be made in a foreign country but soon it will be the only thing you can buy in America. We've outsourced everything else. What? Hold on. It seems I've just been outsourced by a firm in Kuala Lumpur who can do a better job of being me for just 2 cents a day. Sheesh. Look on the bright side they provide 24 hour a day customer support with a person who doesn't speak English or any other recognizable language but can repeat "I am trying to make understand of your problem" until you hang up in disgust and buy another one.
