Sports controversy sells and when you bottom line it there's no downside to stirring the upside. Here's all the sports controversy you need and then some. Buckle your sports seatbelt and let's get ready to rumble...

Steroids make sports better, faster, stronger and more enjoyable.

Women can play golf as well as men and Michelle Wie has a bigger set than Sergio Garcia.

White athletes are way better than black athletes and that's a fact.

SABR is to baseball what analyzing brush strokes and colors used is to declaring great art.

The Redeem Team blew it big time when they all didn't take to the podium and give the black power salute commemorating the 40th anniversary of the greatest Olympics protest ever.

The NFL pre-season rocks because we get to figure out what happened to all those guys who didn't get drafted in the first two rounds.

The USA Olympic gymnasts really screwed the pooch by being too old to win.

College football is like watching softcore porn on Cinemax or Showtime they're taking their top off but not much else is going to happen.

Cheating made the Patriots great and they should be allowed to keep cheating because they invented it or at least perfected it.

Black athletes are way better than white athletes and that's a fact.

The Tour De France has a creepy urine fixation and if you have to spend more than half an event whipping it out or examining your zipper it isn't sports it's a porno movie.

Tiger Woods wouldn't be famous if his name was Herb. Nobody cares about guys named Herb in any sport.

Boxing isn't fixed.

Women can't drive on the freeway without checking their makeup or talking on a cellphone. Danica ditch the helmet, go Max Factor on them and prove multi-tasking women are way better drivers than men.

Barry Bonds is baseball and as long as he keeps swatting dingers I don't care if he injects liquefied babies in his butt to do it.

Hispanics are way better athletes than black or white athletes and that's a fact.

Bowling is the outlaw sport they wear crazy shirts.

Brett Favre should be his own team. Nobody can beat the Favre they can only hope to beat the spread.

Steven Seagal and Chuck Norris can't fight to the death because they're both immortal.

Jose Canseco never took steroids.

MMA & UFC is for sissies.

The only two teams worth watching in baseball are the Yankees and the Red Sox and they should get automatic byes to the World Series.

Pro-wrestling is real the rest of the world is fake. Deal with it.

Real athletes have beer guts.

The Cowboys, Patriots, Lakers, Yankees, and Red Sox suck.

Hooters won't hire a gal with a fake rack.

Orientals are way better athletes than white, black, or hispanic athletes and that's a fact.

The Olympics are cool because every two-years poker has a chance to become an Olympic sport.

Roger Clemens can't tell a lie.

Nobody really gets hurt in an NFL game it's like a movie. After the director yells cut they all get up, go to a bar, order a deep fried Bursting Onion© and drink beer. Lots of beer.

NASCAR drivers should be allowed to put anything they want on their gas pedals because faster is better, and rules just slow things down.

Eskimos are way better athletes than white, black, hispanic, or oriental athletes and that's a fact.

The NFL should field an all midget team. They wouldn't win a lot but it would be the best game of the year for most teams. Except of course those teams that got beaten by the midgets. That would really suck. For the regular-sized guys, not the midgets, they'd be cool with it.

Soccer is God's way of gently reminding us we might be retarded.

That's all I got right now so I hope you have some controversy, smack, gibber-jabber, left in you because I'm not afraid to say it and probably have or will...Bring it on!

When did the NFL pre-season become Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee? Tuning up's out and tearing up's in. They're dropping like flies and teams are seeing their 2008 season evaporate like Roger Clemen's credibility...this week's NFL Basket Case© is a pre-season bloodbath...



Defensive Mend
Both the Giants and the Redskins have something in common in the NFC East. Stud DE's down for the count. While Fredskin Pro-Bowl DE Jason Taylor is facing two-weeks at not hard labor, Giants Pro-Bowler Osi Umenyiora is gone, baby, gone, aloha, see you later, stick a fork in him done for the season with a torn lateral meniscus. While Taylor's injury won't have much of an impact on the Fred's quest for mediocrity, the Giants are looking small on defensive end. Tom Coughlin's stock is falling like Enron unless FOXSports Michael Strahan needs another swimming pool filled with cash to play one more season.





Shawne of the Dead
3-time Charger Pro-Bowl LB Shawne Merriman saw his torn posterior cruciate ligament and raised himself a a torn lateral collateral ligament in his left knee. Will Shawne pull the pin on 2008 or risk a career ending injury? Stay tuned. Seems like a no-brainer but there's a reason why NFL players don't win Nobel Prizes in science or math. Shawne is still examining his options! Don't hold your breath Norvelous.









Mute Nostril Agony
Talk about a long-long season. Last week Bengals Pro-Bowl QB Carson Palmer got turfed five times by the always laughable Detroit Kittens. This week the New Orleans Faints face-planted Carson 3-times in the first-half ending with 32-year old Kevin Kaesviharn safety blitzing Palmer's nose with just 2-ticks left on the tock. This just in--the nose is broken, I repeat the nose is down! T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Chad Johnson are already on the golf cart and two of their backups are hurt. The bad karma from signing Chris Henry is starting. The 2008 Bengals are built over an old Indian burial ground and whatever you do don't bury your pets there...





The Phantom of the Opera
Meanwhile organ music continues to waft from tunnels under Foxboro but Patriots Pro-Bowl QB Tom Brady hasn't been seen since New England's stunning loss to Eli Manning and those %$#@!& other guys in Super Bowl XXXXXXXXVVVVVVIIIIIII. Some say it's his right foot. Others say it's his heart. Matt Cassel's no Tom Brady the only thing they have in common is being drafted after the Gatorade Cooler in the 473rd round of the NFL draft. New England tried luring Brady out from under the stadium with his favorite blanket and plush toy to no avail...








That's Kiffin, two i's two f's
4-torn ACL's in 5-seasons spells business as usual for Raiders wideout Drew Carter. Like the X-Files Movie he's not alone wishing 2008 never happened. Fullback Oren O'Neal is likely 2008-gone after suffering a knee injury. The Faders have no depth at either position. Kiffin his #### Goodbye hopes they'll find something salvageable under the final roster cuts rock next week meaning his sputtering offense won't even reach its full pre-season potential of lukewarm until October. When Arizona tunes you up 24-0 in the pre-season it's fold the tables and stack the chairs time.







Does He Own Any Dogs
Speaking of bloodbaths, first and last-year Falcons coach Mike Smith announced rookie QB Matt Ryan will be the Atlanta Falcons' starter this season. That's not a typo or an injury unless you consider the blithering stupidity of purposely starting a rookie in the NFL as anything short of lobotomy stupid. Here's a rundown of rookie QB's and their rookie season to dismember, or as I like to think; two brother's and a 'Boy...:Eli Manning, New York Giants: Started seven, lost six. Completed 48.2 percent and nine to the wrong jersey. Peyton Manning, Indianapolis: Started sixteen, lost thirteen. Completed 56.7 percent and tossed 28 inter-fargin-ceptions. Troy Aikman, Dallas: Started eleven games, lost them all, doubled his nine TD passes with 18 pickaroos. Yee-Haw! Hell, Brett Favre went 0-4 passes in his rookie season and his first pass was an interception for a TD. The dumb get dumber in Atlanta and Matt Ryan will look like Houston Texans All World QB Flop David Carr when Atlanta stops burning at the end of this season. The over and under for sacks is 70, smart money's on the over. Wave goodbye to Smith as Atlanta will head in a different direction after the Ryan fiasco.

If you think Pac-Man Jones is the Lindsay Lohan of football think again. Wide receivers are the biggest basket cases in the NFL. From the disgruntled to the dysfunctional dropping the ball is front and center in the NFL. The why is simple, add win at any cost to colossal ego and you get rocket fuel. So light a match, find the fuse, these guys are good to go and ready to launch...


Chris Henry--Cincinnati Bengals
This NFL franchise puts felony on the field. The Bengals had ten players arrested in fourteen months. Is it any wonder they have stripes on the uniform? To stand out in this wild bunch takes a special kind of screwball and Chris Henry's the leader of the pack. March of 2008, previously called a one-man crime wave and cancer by a sentencing Judge, Henry caps his three-season reign of terror, including arrests for supplying booze to three underage females, marijuana possession, aggravated assault with a firearm and DUI, by punching a guy and breaking his car window with a beer bottle. Suspended four games this season for a total of fourteen in the last two for violating NFL conduct policies Henry is tossed after his latest fiasco. But the Bengals have their fingers crossed. Sure the Bengals press release posits the changed man Henry is four months later despite Henry's insistence to the contrary. It also shovels a load of steaming redemption but don't buy it. Injuries to the receiving corps force the Bengals to hold their nose and look the other way. Coach Marvin Lewis calls the emperor naked blaming owner Mike Brown for this latest blunder. Repeating the same mistake and expecting a different outcome is the definition of Cincinnati Bengal insanity. If Henry offers you a beer this season make sure it's in a plastic cup...

Matt Jones--Jacksonville Jaguars
Speaking of plastic cups, they're in Jones future after he found a whole new way to "blow" by defenders. July 10th, 2008, the 2005 1st-round, 21st-pick is arrested for felony possession of a controlled substance. Thank God it isn't steroids but cocaine still carries a pesky 10-year prison sentence and $10,000 fine. Jones' Dad releases this statement, "...Matt was not in possession of any drugs, but that there were drugs in the vehicle and were located in the closest proximity to Matt." Proving the age old adage, parents are clueless about their kid's drug use, contrary to popular belief, cocaine does not spring from car upholstery like toadstools in Florida. So far Jones, a 6'6", 242-pound combine darling, has failed to live up to his speedy over sized potential. The reality? It's hard to get separation from a CB when you have a #### on your back.

Chad Johnson--Cincinnati Bengals
Bengals fans might as well turn off the lights and call it a season. Ocho Cinco just turned his off-season trade-me tantrum into a sprained left shoulder faster than you can say phantom contractual pain. The five-time Pro-Bowler got the traveling Jones last season despite a mind-boggling $35-million dollar extension in 2006. In April 2008, Ocho reiterated his trade demand and said he wouldn't attend any workouts, drills or meetings. The same month the Bengals turned down a Redskins trade offer of a 2008 first-rounder and a 2009 pick sending a clear message. Not gonna happen. Somebody has to blink first and Cinco Blinko does in June when he attends a mandatory mini-camp after he reads his contract and realizes he has to play to get paid. Hardly a novel concept but a stunning turn of events to the ego our solar system revolves around. If Johnson continues his downward spiral look for this Bengal to turn White Elephant.

Brandon Marshall--Denver Broncos
Baby T.O. is one unlucky guy. March 22, 2008, Marshall slips on a McDonalds bag wrestling at home, falls through a television and sustains right forearm lacerations to an artery, vein, nerve, two tendons and three muscles. Fact is this happens all the time. McDonalds bags are tricky ####s and should never be left unattended. Brandon's on-field potential is unlimited provided off-field antics don't tackle him first. January 1, 2007, Marshall leaves a downtown Denver nightclub in a limo with teammates Javon Walker and Darrent Williams. Williams is killed by unknown assailants who riddle the vehicle in a drive-by shooting. March 26, 2007, Marshall's arrested for domestic violence, charges from the incident are dismissed after he completes anger management counseling. October 22, 2007, Marshall's arrested for DUI. Marshall still faces a two-game NFL suspension if convicted in mid-September of 2008. June 12, 2008, Marshall's ticketed for an illegal lane change, driving without his license and proof of insurance. OK that one is chump change but does fit the web of stupidity woven here. According to the Rocky Mountain News, Douglas County deputies answered a dozen calls to Marshall's home since January, 2006 though not all involve him. August 5, 2008, Firmly in Roger Goodell's cross hairs Marshall snags a three-game suspension due to off-field issues. His suspension will be reduced one-game if he goes to counseling and agrees to other unspecified conditions. Bad luck and domestic violence spell an all too familiar bitter end for this fable.

Cheating is the cornerstone of the Olympic dream. In ancient times cheating scandals rocked the 112th, 178th and 226th Olympiads. The lesson learned? As long as you hold Olympics there will be cheating...so take a bow He Kexin, your day in the sun will live forever as you join the worst cheaters in the past 100-years...

Boris Onischenko--1976 Montreal Olympics
KGB officer Boris Onischenko wins silver medals in 1968 and 1972 for the modern pentathlon that consists of five events; épée fencing, pistol shooting, 200-m freestyle swimming, a show jumping course on horseback, and a 3-km cross-country run. In 1976 fencing opponents complain Boris is scoring without even touching them. Officials confiscate his épée and discover Onischenko rigged the grip so he could electronically trigger the scoring system. Onischenko is disqualified and grips that conceal wires or switches are banned from competition.

Ben Johnson--1988 Seoul Olympics
Canadian Ben Johnson claims his gold medal 100-meter world record will last fifty or one-hundred years. It doesn't last a day. The Olympic Doping Control Center discovers God isn't Johnson's co-pilot it's anabolic steroids. Johnson, stripped of his medal and banned from competition for two-years protests his innocence. He competes in the next Olympics but receives a lifetime ban in 1993 after failing another steroid test.

Stella Walsh--1932 Los Angeles Olympics
Walsh wins the gold for Poland in the 100-m dash. After moving to the United States, Walsh sets 20 women's track and field world records, wins 41 AAU titles and in 1975 is inducted into the U.S. Track and Field Hall of Fame. Walsh, an innocent bystander, is killed in a botched robbery. The autopsy reveals Walsh is a great female track star because she is biologically a man.

Hans-Gunnar Liljenwall--1968 Mexico City Olympics
Swedish modern pentathlete Hans-Gunnar Liljenwall drinks two beers to calm his nerves before the pistol shooting event. Miller time costs his team their bronze medal as Liljenwall becomes the very first athlete in Olympics history disqualified for drug use.

Yelena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze/Jamie Salé and David Pelletier--2002 Salt Lake City Olympics
Canadians Salé and Pelletier end forty years of Russian dominance in pairs figure skating but score silver instead of gold. French judge, Marie-Reine Le Gougne admits afterwards her scoring is a result of pressure from the head of the French skating organization to vote for the Russians as part of a deal to get French skaters in the ice dancing competition a medal. Proving once and for all how cut-throat even the crappiest Olympic non-sports are behind the scenes. After much hand-wringing the IOC upgrades the Canadian medal to gold and sweeps the whole stinking mess under the rug.

Dora Ratjen--1936 Berlin Olympics
Coerced by the #### Youth, Hermann Ratjen competes as "Dora Ratjen" in the women's high jump. Despite his alleged Aryan superiority Ratjen finishes 4th behind three real women. The hoax remains undiscovered until after World War Two when Ratjen is found working as a waiter preventing the charge of Crimes Against the Olympics from being prosecuted at Nuremberg.

Marion Jones--2000 Sydney Olympics
Marion does what no female Olympian ever has in track and field--winning three gold and two bronze medals. In 2007 facing Federal prosecution for lying under oath to investigators, Jones admits using banned drugs during the 2000 Olympics. Stripped of all her medals and awards by various track federations, including her Olympic medals, Jones is currently serving a six-month jail sentence for her BALCO perjury and check fraud.

The Spanish intellectually-disabled basketball team--2000 Sydney Paralympics
A stellar gold medal performance on the court pales in comparison to revelations 10 of the 12 players are perfectly normal. The medals are returned and three top-ranking Spanish IPC officials resign in disgrace. The scandal forces the The International Paralympic Committee to dump the intellectually disabled category since eligibility is too difficult to establish.

Fred Lorz--1904 St. Louis Olympics
It's so hot only 14 of 32 starters finish the marathon. Fred beats them handily in 3-hours and 13-minutes by hitching a ride for 11 miles of the race in a car. Rosie Ruiz would be proud. Fred's jalopy-enhanced fraud is discovered shortly before the gold medal ceremony. Banned for life Lorz manages to get the ban lifted in time to compete in the Boston Marathon a year later. Not surprisingly he wins. You have to wonder who gave him a lift.

The International Olympic Committee--2002 Salt Lake City Olympics, 1998 Nagano Olympics
After losing a bid for the 1998 Olympics to Nagano, Salt Lake City boosters pull out all the stops. IOC members receive more than $1 million in cold hard cash while additional millions buy IOC members real estate, Super Bowl trips, thirteen college scholarships, ski trips and plastic surgery. Can you really put a price on a good nose job? Ten members of the IOC are expelled as a result and ten more sanctioned. A Japanese government investigation uncovers millions of dollars spent on IOC members to secure the Nagano bid including a whopping $4.4 million on entertainment alone. Is it any wonder athletes cheat?

Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins called an air strike in on his own foxhole complaining about Phillies fans booing players. While the mighty-mouth All Star takes aim at fans Rollins apparently forgets it's Phillies owners and management who failed to build one single pitching staff in the past eight-years capable of achieving his off-stated goal of winning a championship. When fans boo-Jimmy listens. Rollins isn't the first player to get his panties wadded by fans booing let's take a walk through that field of dreams I like to call, If Loving You is Wrong I Don't Want to be Right...

On May 15, 1912--Peaches Ain't Always Sweet
The Detroit Tigers face the hometown New York Highlanders. Behind home plate, Highlanders fan Claude Lueker gives Detroit's Ty Cobb the business and then some. Lueker rides Cobb like a hobby horse every time the Peach bats.

Cobb warns the Highlanders and umpires if Luecker isn't ejected there's going to be hell to pay. When Luecker calls Cobb a "half-(racial epithet used primarily in rap songs)," Cobb takes to the stands and starts viciously beating Luecker. Fans beg Cobb to stop because Lueker has no hands. Cobb without missing a beat, punch or kick replies, "I don't care if he's got no feet!"

May 12, 1991--The Splinter Relents
Ted Williams Appreciation Day at Fenway Park, Ted Williams pulls a Red Sox cap from his jacket and tips it to the crowd--the only time he does so in his illustrious career. Williams considers Red Sox fans no better than wolves.

May 17, 1950, after being booed for fielding mistakes Teddy flips Fenway fans the bird three-times. August 7, 1956, after being booed for dropping an easy fly ball Williams spits at Fenway fans and is fined five-thousand dollars. He tells the Boston Herald he has no regrets, "I'd spit again at those booing ####s." Teddy was just warming up. July 23, 1958, after Kansas City fans booed him for not legging out a ground out Williams spits at the fans and earns a $250 dollar fine. Sept. 21, 1958, Upset after popping out, Williams hurls his bat in anger and hits a woman in the head sitting behind Boston's dugout. The hit doesn't count because it isn't an official at-bat. Williams pays a $50 fine.

In a pre-game speech before the final game of his career, Williams says, "I must say my stay in Boston has been the most wonderful thing in my life. If I were ever asked what I would do if I had to start my baseball career over again, I'd say I would want to play in Boston for the greatest owner in the game and the greatest fans in America." A fitting bookend to the quote Williams began his Red Sox career with, Aug. 14, 1940, Williams opines in a Boston newspaper, "I don't like this town. I don't like the people. I want to get out of town, and I'm praying that they trade me." The truth falls somewhere in between.

May 11, 2007--Junior goes XXL
The Reds face the Dodgers in LA and Dodger fan Matt Schafer starts heckling Ken Griffey Jr. "You suck ... shouldn't you be on the D.L.?... too old for center,...etc." But Junior takes it in stride.

"He was just on me every time I came in...Him being a little larger than normal, I just asked, 'Shouldn't you be wearing a support bra?'" In the sixth inning Griffey sends someone to find the largest brand new jockstrap in the clubhouse. They write the number "3" and "JR" on it, brown paper bag it and Griffey throws the bag to Schafer when he runs back onto the field.

Schafer dumbstruck by the response twirls the jockstrap in the air and the entire section breaks out in laughter--winning Griffey a new fan, Matt Schafer. When Griffey returns to the dugout Schafer apologizes for the things he said.

Bottom of the Ninth
So Jimmy ain't the first and won't be the last athlete booed. Fans are what they are down through the ages. How you handle it is a whole 'nother issue...I'm sure all of you have special memories of your favorite ballplayer showing fan love so feel free to drop a dime on them below...special thanks to Ty Cobb for his quick wit.

Jets and the Giants fans at the Meadowlands aren't the only ones facing a league-wide crackdown on bad behavior.  The following are excerpts from an email sent by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to all teams.

"Foul or abusive language, obscene gestures and harassment of visiting team fans is still encouraged as long as it is followed by an equally polite "Have a Nice Day...."

"Guests who engage in fighting, throwing objects or attempting to enter the field of play will be immediately ejected except in those cases where their skill level provides enough entertainment value to other fans with examples of Steven Seagal Aikido waddling, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks, causing an opposing team player to wince or crumple to the ground after being struck by a thrown object, or deflecting/intercepting an opposing team's pass before stadium security wrestles them to the ground.  Fan interceptions will result in a turnover."

"Fans can text message stadium management of problems but must include, LOL, BRB, or AFK in the body of the message or it will be deleted."

"Under the newly mandated Goodell Alcoholic Equilibrium Doctrine the NFL will enforce a halftime cutoff for alcohol sales and a limit of two drinks at each purchase.  This cutoff will occur at the end of the second half.  Also the minimum number of alcoholic drinks any fan can order is two."

"Parking lots will open five hours before events instead of seven.  If fans can't get blind pig drunk in five hours it isn't likely two more hours will help them.  Waking up the next morning and actually remembering the game isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"Fans who wear Jon Bon Jovi mullet wigs will be ejected."

"The small minority of fans decent and mature enough to enjoy the game without getting trashed will be offered complimentary vomit poncho's emblazoned with Roger Goodell's signature, likeness and the NFL logo."

"For those fans used to overdoing it, brightly lit crawl-ways festooned with beer labels will lead them safely out of the stadium.  They are strongly encouraged to park in the lots marked by poles topped with kegs."

"Fans disregarding stadium policies will no longer be ejected instead they will be forced to serve a time-out in a room where an endless loop of Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem is shown on big screen TV's."

"Gecko-shaped kiosks will sell "#### protection policies" to fans indemnifying them against injury from drunks falling from the upper decks."

"Navel shots are strictly prohibited unless alcoholic delivery system or belly buttonee can meet the 36-25-32 rule."

"Fans carrying the letter D and a tiny fence will be kicked or stomped to death at the gates."

Imagine my absolute, complete, and utter disgust when I wasted my time clicking on the same headline concerning the USA men's Olympics soccer team. The headline should read Soccer Game Ends in Predictable Tie or Stadium Full of People Lulled to Sleep.

What's the point of an athletic competition where a tie means anything at all? As it transpires the tie means the Netherlands is in a good position to make the quarterfinal round and the USA is teetering on the brink of elimination. What? 2-2, is a wash, a push or a who cares in every other sport.

Winning or losing is the desired outcome in every other athletic endeavor ever invented. When is soccer going to catch on to this exciting reality fraught with endless possibility? 2-2 doesn't stun anybody it might elicit a few yawns perhaps. But stun? Not a chance.

What is certain is anyone who bought a ticket got robbed because the teams were tied at the start and finish of that game. This is like an entire world going nuts for a Little League tee-ball game where no score is kept. I don't get it, I never will. Soccer is the "safe" sport, nothing ever happens and sadly nothing ever will.

Brett Favre said it in his 1st press conference as a Jet. "I'm not a traitor." He might not be but that isn't always the case, here are some of the greatest traitors in the history of sports...

Terrell Owens--Philadelphia Eagles
After a brilliant 2004 season and gutsy broken leg performance in a Super Bowl loss to the Patriots, Owens flushes the Philly fan love down the toilet when he hires Drew Rosenhaus as his new agent and tries to renegotiate his contract. On November 3rd, 2005, after an ESPN interview where he calls the Eagles classless and agrees to a statement that the Eagles would be undefeated if Favre was the QB instead of McNabb, Owens is suspended four games without pay and deactivated for the season. Owens is released by the Eagles on March 16, 2006 and signs with the one team Philly fans hate the most. The Dallas Cowboys. Whatever the world thinks of Iggles fans booing Michael Irvin when his career ends in injury at the Vet nothing before or after will compare to the racket made if Owens goes down at the Linc.

Clay Bennett--The Seattle Supersonics
In 2006, the Sonics were sold to an investment group led by Clay Bennett, who said the team would stay in Seattle. When the city balks at dropping half-a-billion dollars on building an entire mall around a basketball court Bennett announces he's moving the team. Court documents reveal Bennett and his partners never had any intention of staying in Seattle. After a $45-million dollar settlement with the city, 41-years of basketball history and tradition go up in a puff of legal smoke. The renamed Oklahoma City Thunder kicks off its inaugural season in 2008-2009.

Johnny Damon--The Boston Red Sox
In 2004 Boston Red Sox Johnny Damon is one of the most feared leadoff hitters in the American League. His swatting leads the Sox past the hated Yankees in the ALCS on the way to the BoSox first World Series triumph in 86 years. In 2005 Damon becomes a free agent and is quoted, "There's no way I can go play for the Yankees..." His wife says, "I can't see him in a Yankees uniform..." She can now. On December 20, 2005, Damon signs a 4-year, $52 million dollar contract with the New York Yankees. BoSox fans take to wearing T-shirts reading, "Looks like Jesus. Acts like Judas. Throws like Mary."

Carlos Boozer--The Cleveland Cavaliers
Is there a better story than the way Boozer played the Cleveland Cavaliers like a drunk sorority sister? In 2004, the Cavs agree to release Boozer if he signs a new contract for the maximum mid-level exception. Boozer says yes and swears on a stack of bibles so the Cavs release him. Boozer promptly signs with the Utah Jazz for $70-million dollars claiming he had his fingers-crossed the whole time.

Robert Irsay--The Baltimore Colts
After contentious and protracted negotiations with Baltimore for a new stadium and constant promises to not move the team, owner Robert Irsay has workers show up at 2:00 AM on March 29, 1984. They load all of the team's equipment onto trucks and the Baltimore Colts belong to history. Johnny Unitas identifies himself as a Baltimore Colt until the day he dies. He completely ignores the Colts in Indianapolis. He leaves the same instructions in his will.

Eric Mangini--The New England Patriots
He never has a problem with the Patriots cheating while he works for them but the Lizzie Borden of NFL coaches couldn't wait to bury the ax head-deep in his ex-boss. Newly-minted Jets Head Coach Eric Mangini blows the whistle on Bill Belichik and the Patriots videotaping scheme. Belichik and the Patriots reputation, rightly or wrongly, go down swinging in an avalanche of media tar and feathers. I wonder if Belichik ever stops and thinks about the glowing recommendation he gave Mangini when the Jets called for a reference?

There are so many others--I'm looking forward to your dishonor roll in the comments...

According to Jay Glazer of FOXSports.com Brett is officially a Jett!
In honor of this au####ious occasion here are Brett's Top Ten Things to Do in The Big Apple:

Be a celebrity spokesman for a new men's cologne called Gate D.

Break the starting QB curse of Broadway Joe and play 16 games during the same season.

Throw the ball to Bubba Franks and pretend you're still a Packer.

Finally figure out if D'Brickashaw Ferguson likes being called Fergie or D-Brick in the huddle.

Learn to trust OL Stanley Daniels even if he has two first names.

Save your empty Coca Cola* cans because you get 10% off two tickets to Six Flags/Great Adventure* on weekdays.

Forget about dyeing your thermal underwear a new color because there's still a lot of green in those Jets uniforms.

Announce if you're playing or retired in any given week at least twenty minutes prior to kickoff.

Admit your were never really crazy about cheese.

Get away with calling head coach Eric Mangini, E-Dog.


*I'm shooting for some product placement money here or at the very least a couple of free cases of Coke...

Kerry Wood is cursed. Maybe he spit on a gypsy or stepped on too many cracks in the sidewalk as a kid. Whatever the reason he is the most talented game of Russian Roulette the Cubs can play down the stretch. Sure Wood pitched a scoreless inning against the Stro's last night. But the Cubs who just designated southpaw reliever Scott Eyre might want to hold their horses for a minute. Here's why...

Wood's pitched more innings this season than he has over the last two seasons combined. Which isn't that tough since he barely eked out 24 last season and 19 in 2006. But Lou Piniella has a better chance of trading for and then starting Mike Hampton in the 1st game of the World Series than seeing Wood make September let alone October. Let's take a look at Wood's track record.

1998
Wood misses the last month of the season with a sore elbow.
1999
Wood says see you later to his ulnar collateral ligament, undergoes Tommy John surgery and misses the entire season.
2004
Wood misses two months with strained triceps.
2005
August 31, 2005, Wood undergoes season-ending arthroscopic surgery for a torn labrum.
2006
Wood misses the first month and a half of the season after setbacks in his rehab, surgery on his knee and falling out of a hot tub. Wood returns to the Cubs' rotation on May 18, 2006. Unable to lift his arm Wood goes back on the DL in June. One month later Wood is shut down for the season with a partially torn rotator cuff.
2007
Wood misses April 1st to August 3rd with soreness in his elbow.
2008
Wood goes on DL from July 24th to August 5th with a blister on his finger.

Wood's been on the DL 12-times in an 11-year career. Because he throws across his body which is a recipe for disaster. It isn't a question of will he injure his throwing arm it's simply a matter of when.

You could blame his managers as far back as high school when he pitched two games of a double-header and threw 175 pitches or Cubs skippers like Jim Riggleman and Dusty Baker who ran up steep pitch counts on Wood because the Cubs had no bullpen or they were trying to save their job. Baker in particular has a reputation for grinding starters down to the nub and has a pitch-count be damned attitude refreshing for 1920 but sadly out of touch with the pitching staffs of today. Ultimately that thinking turned Chicago Heat into Chicago Hope.

I'm not wishing bad things on Kerry it's like seeing the same car crash at the same intersection every year and you can't stop it. Rise and shine happy campers It's Groundhog Day in the Windy City. In any event Wood doesn't seem to pitch all that often in September and while a blister isn't the end of the world you have to wonder if it isn't the canary in the Cubs coal mine.

Manny's playing in the NL for LA and here's the DL...
Manny needs to step up his game and I ain't talking baseball. LA will chew him up like a pretty girl from Des Moines stepping of####reyhound bus with stars in her eyes...lucky for him I have just the thing--Hollywood for Dummies...

When You Wish Upon a Starlet...
Manny it's no secret Hollywood is ground zero for the hottest women found outside of Miami Beach but there are rules. The right starlet will set you on the path to glory quicker than you can say Joltin' Joe & Marylin Monroe, (...forget her though, she's deader than Steven Seagal's career).

You need somebody so young she makes Miley Cyrus look like Wilford Brimley and make sure she's an absolute train wreck. The more addictions the better her press value--bulimia, anorexia, pills, booze or multiple DUI's. Think Lindsay and Brittney rolled into one.

She should shock even the most jaded by not only being too young but so emaciated she makes a swizzle stick look like Oprah after a two-month IHOP bender. Think Olson Twins, (...but they're a million years old now so stay away from them even if it's the one that didn't get Lanced).

Manny's Baby Mama Drama
Choose wisely Manny because the next step is crucial. You need to knock her up faster than Wesley Snipe's films go straight to DVD. Nothing says super-duper-star like selling your baby's pics to People magazine.

Have a Cause...
Forget PETA Manny, vegans, and the environment too. Scientology's already jumped the couch. You need a brand new Manny-worthy cause like Manny's Foundation where you work with privileged kids who have everything and want so much more.

Charity means a million photo-ops while you press the flesh with the LA glitteratti. Poor underprivileged kids get all the attention anyway. Guess what? There's still like a million of them. Forget those stinking losers. You want to work with winners. Because you're a winner. Winners don't stay winners helping losers.

The Environment...
Nothing says star power like going green but face it Manny you can't be Manny in a tiny car. Drive a bold statement that says I'm willing to wreck the environment and fix it at the same time. How about a hybrid Hummer? Sure it guzzles gas by the square inch but as long as you insist the clock works off a solar panel you'll dodge an inconvenient truth.

Scandals...
Nothing says you've arrived like your first scandal but face it Manny drug overdoses, and DUI's, are so yesterday. You need a Manny-tacious disaster. The kind that requires press conferences, Nancy Grace denouncing you nightly on CNN, and speaking about yourself in the 3rd-person.

Wearing a shirt that says "Manny Played for Boston and All He Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" is a good 3rd-person start but the smart play might be entering rehab without any addictions whatsoever. Now that's just plain Manny-sized crazy.

Tell the world you want to take twelve-extra steps even if it means battling normality one day at a time for the rest of your life. Repeat after me, "Dr. Phil, my name is Manny and I've been clean and sober my whole life..."

Fans...
Don't bother spitting on them or giving them the finger Manny. They really don't care. They're at the game to be seen and not by you. They don't even know what the rules of baseball are. The average LA celebrity fan thinks you just scored a touchdown. So deal with it Manny. You're $7-million dollar window dressing to the stars.

Alyssa Milano...
Forget about her Manny. Milano's hag city, the ultimate baseball groupie. She'll mount your head on a plaque above her fireplace faster than Tony Danza's talk show got canceled.  Besides she's in her thirties which is like a kagillion in Hollywood years. It would be like French-kissing your Granny.

Baseball...
Fight the urge to use Paris Hilton as a bat, I know, I know, it would be funny hearing her squeak every time you foul one off but the press loves her and her pocket rat.

Pro-Football needs to go green and can't wait any longer. The ozone is depleted over every major football stadium in the country. Global warming is real because Al Gore says so, science and facts be damned that's good enough for me. After all Al Gore invented the internet, manned flight and the little light that tells you your power strip is working. Here are the best ideas being considered for the NFL...btw, I'm doing my part...I'm typing this from my eco-friendly laptop made from hemp and powered by the hysteria o####reen Peace activist.

Turf
The game will no longer be played on man's deadliest enemy, natural grass. The sneaky sward has it in for us like all plants. Look no further than M. Night Shamalamading####'s latest film "The Happening" and you'll see a grim vision where plants and a poor plot can ruin any film as well as kill unsuspecting donut fed humans. Nope, bring on the gravel. Gravel provides excellent traction and doesn't have a brain! The brainless gravel is happy to be here and won't figure out how to ruin the ozone layer for at least another ten to fifteen years according to my calculations.

Helmets
Wearing a helmet is important in football but so is the environment. Those shiny plastic helmets reflect the sun. Did you know the sun is our natural enemy? Helmets coated with a non-reflective maple syrup based paint will absorb the sun safely and make the players smell like pancakes. Everybody loves pancakes.

Footballs
Footballs made out of leather are gone because leather comes from cows, and as we now suspect, those sneaky bovines spend all day floating grass biscuits wrapping this planet in greenhouse gas to seal our udder doom. Instead footballs made from a composite of gas inert concrete, lead and rhinestones make their debut this year. So far this experimental football is somewhat less than desirable in terms of toss ability but think of the children.

Coaches
The single largest source of NFL greenhouse gases emitted come from the sideline and it's time to green up. Philly's Andy Reid for instance emits more greenhouse gases than the average herd of cows and he lives in the fattest city in America. Coaches are restricted to a diet of prune juice and tofu. While this may result in a few "sideline incidents" we can cut the gaseous emissions 45% in the first season alone. Trees planted along the sidelines will scrub the air overhead and while this will block the view for 65% of season ticket holders once again you selfish sports ####s think of the children.

Injuries
Players won't leave a jumbo carbon footprint every time they shred their ACL in twelve places during a game. The golf cart is off the table. Instead a rope tied around their waist allows us to winch them off the field lickety-split. Being winched across gravel can be somewhat painful so players will be issued an emergency aspirin as part of their gear at the start of each season and a juice box.

Cheerleaders
We all love them. God bless their perky smiles but let's get real here people they raise the temperature and respiration rate of 94% of the men in the stadium with their rump shaking booties. Let me repeat the key point here, rump--shaking--booties. They have to go and we'll shave a whole .00000006% of a degree off the temperature of the stadium every game and that adds up over centuries. Instead the NFL is pleased to announce their latest innovation: Lunch Ladies of the NFL. These much loved, scantily clad, mustachioed ladies bring a certain "#### de Vive" to the art of cheerleadery. Enjoy.

The Patriots
The Patriots are sneaky and if there's any way around the new green NFL they'll find it. Consequently they will wear eco-monitors around their ankles until further notice. These ankle monitors will sound an audible alert whenever they attempt to buy or sell fossil fuel or light a cigarette and we all know what second or third-hand smoke is capable of...

Now this is a good start. Let's all do our best to meet this challenge head on. After all, think of the children.

Skip over the smoldering wreckage of Boston selling Babe Ruth to the Yankees and you'll find a field of dreams littered with the stupidity of baseball's best and brightest as well as dumbest general managers.  Sure things seldom are but for long suffering fans the baseball trading deadline is long on dead and short on the bottom line...some of these came in the off season but one thing's assured bad trades get better with age because fans, like elephants, never forget...

Fergie We hardly Knew Ye
The Phillies trade history is spotty at best but who can forgive or forget the Phightin's swapping Hall of Famer Ferguson Jenkins, John Herrnstein and Adolfo Phillips for the Cubs Larry Jackson and Bob Buhl?  I know it's hard to #### losing a player like Adolfo but Fly Jenkins 276 post-Phillies wins really put the lop in lopsided.

Trading Lefty wasn't a Wise Thing to Do
The Cards sent HOF'er Steve "Lefty" Carlton packing after he asked for a $10,000 raise and got pitcher Rick Wise in return.  Wise won 32 games over two seasons for those Redbirds while Lefty spent 15 seasons in Philly winning 241 games, four Cy Young's and a World Championship.  The Cards didn't recover for a decade.  Feel the burn.  

Tom Terrific Sees Red
How or why the Mets decided HOF'er Tom Seaver was only worth Pat Zachry, Doug Flynn, Steve Henderson, and Dan Norman eludes me.  Seaver had plenty of pop left in his cannon winning another 122 games while Mets fans watched their new pigs-in-a-poke rack up a combined cup of coffee in the bigs.  On a breezy summer night you can still smell this trade in Jersey City.   

Forget the Babe What About Bags
I'll give you Houston's 37-year old journeyman reliever Larry Andersen for 22-innings and three blown saves and you give me Double A 3rd-sacker Jeff Bagwell.  Sounds crazy but once upon a time Bagpipes was a Red Sox and stuff happens.  Bagwell, a four-time All Star, Rookie of the Year and NL MVP averaged .297, 174 hits, 34 HR's, and 115 RBI's over his15-year career with the Stro's.  The next time the BoSox trade with Houston fans should riot.

I'll See Your Smoltz and Raise You an Alexander
The Tigers made a deal with the devil for 36-year old pitcher Doyle Alexander who notched 29 wins for Detroit over 2&1/2 seasons.  The Braves got 20-seasons out of Smoltz, a Cy Young winning, 5-time All Star who pitched in 24-post season series for the Tomahawk's through the 90's.  Smoltz added insult to injury in this deal saving 154 games for the Braves making him the Swiss Army knife of pitchers.

The Curse of Curt
It's bad luck to trade Curt Schilling.  The worst kind.  First the Red Sox traded Schilling and Brady Anderson to the Orioles for pitcher Mike Boddicker who won 39 games over 2&1/2 seasons for the Sox.  Three years later the O's shipped Schilling, Steve Finley and Pete Harnisch to the Stro's for Glenn Davis.  Ouch.  Davis fly-swatted 24 home runs over 2&1/2 seasons in Baltimore.  Davis' hardest hit came in a bar where he broke his jaw on a guy's fist.  The Stro's kept Schilling for 1-year getting 3 wins out of him before sending Schilling to Philly for Jason Grimsley, (who never pitched an inning for Houston).  Curt won 101-games in Philly before they traded him to Arizona for a fistful of dreck, Omar Daal, Nelson Figueroa, Travis Lee, and Vicente Padilla.  The Diamondbacks kept Schilling for 3&1/2 seasons and a World Series ring before trading Curt for Casey Fossum, Brandon Lyon, Jorge de la Rosa, and Michael Goss from the BoSox.  Whatever Boston has in mind for Schilling, one thing is certain, don't trade him under any circumstances.

The Great One, Clemente
Last but not least isn't a trade but I can't kick the Dodgers long or hard enough for allowing the Pirates to take HOF'er Roberto Clemente in the Rule 5 Draft because they already filled their quota of Black players on the MLB roster.  This shameful unwritten agreement among teams makes a mockery of MLB bragging about Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier in 1947.  No disrespect to HOF'er Robinson intended.  Baseball didn't really integrate until the 1960's when teams dropped the quota and finally insisted all players deserved the same accommodations at Spring Training.  
   

I'm enjoying the blockbuster sports film of summer. It has drama, intrigue, comedy and even cat-fighting. There's something for everybody. Breaking up is hard to do and in Green Bay and Brett Favre's case, somebody gave somebody sports #### and damned if every twist and turn doesn't make it hard to hand out the Valtrex.

The movie opens with a grizzled NFL legend dumped for a hot chick admirably played by newcomer Aaron Rodgers. Let's face it we've seen this a thousand times in films, America's sweetheart gets the heave-#### for a set of gargantuan silicon hooters, big hair and gleaming teeth.

The boyfriend played by smarmy Ted Thompson sends Favre packing with all the usual blather of it isn't you it's me and you're the greatest but I don't deserve you while champagne and caviar chill for Rodgers in the next room.

Give Favre credit and Academy Award props for his dignified exit as a montage of their happy relationship rolls across the screen.

One note to the director. This movie could have gone in a completely different direction if you played the theme from the Mary Tyler Moore Show and had Favre throw his helmet in the air during "...you're going to make it after all."

But our plucky Favre isn't letting some shiny new bimbo redecorate the house he built 33 TD's at a time. Nope. Instead he goes to his secret ex-super girlfriend lair in Porkbutt Missouri and plots a nefarious revenge.

Favre invents a devastating rumor ray that buzzes gnat-like in the ear of every sports reporter in the land. They keep swatting the air but soon they're typing letters, words, sentences, then paragraphs about Favre's return. Fantastic rumors like Favre is going to play on his own team and likely win the Super Bowl all by himself or maybe Aaron Rodgers won't be so pretty once the season starts and we take off the sports beer goggles.

The film has cool special effects like Favre throwing a great white shark into the bedroom while Thompson and Rodgers are waiting to exhale. Or Favre flying around and throwing footballs like lightning bolts to stop bank robberies and purse snatchers. My favorite? Favre squeezing Ted Thompson's Hummer gas tank down to the size of an orange and for the rest of the film Thompson has to stop every mile or so to fill up his tank.

Favre dishes all the dirt on Thompson at a local diner, he has a hairpiece, he lied to me, and then shockingly gushes they still talk on the phone. The giddy schoolgirl Favre repeats word for word each conversation without realizing the person in the next booth is, you guessed it, a reporter who jumps up, runs to a phone and shouts, stop the presses!

The obligatory montage of embarrassing headlines follow. Thompson caught red-handed with his hands in both cookie jars denies it to Rodgers but we all know he isn't really trying to fix Favre up with another team. Then Favre tells Thompson he's coming home and all hell breaks loose.

Thompson barely manages to keep Favre at bay on the phone and now his friends like Minnesota are sniffing around because they've wanted to bag Favre for years. Thompson drops hints to Favre like the Bucs and the Jets think he's really cute but Favre says "ewwwwww" and then Thompson tells Minnesota to step off or else, (else is forgettably overplayed by Roger Goodell in an uncredited cameo).

The simple fact is Teddy can't have it both ways. Favre is a preening, egotistical, vacillating jerk in this film but Thompson is a scheming, conniving weasel who thinks nothing of manipulating coaches and players to achieve his real objective, replacing the legend of Favre with the legend of Ted Thompson. In one Spinal Tap moment Thompson dreamily admits the entire city including his secretary wants to burn him in effigy. The off-screen director asks if that concerns him. Thompson replies, "Effigy's a good thing right? The word sounds classy."

Thompson neither recollects nor acknowledges the sucking chest wound the Pack was between Lombardi and Favre. Didn't Favre lead the Pack to the NFC title game last season? Hardly the time you boot a legend. How this blockbuster ends is fairly predictable, after both sides completely shred the wisp of dignity remaining both get half of what they want and there won't be a sequel. This film isn't Rudy but will lift your spirits. After all this is just another NFL tale...

College Football is broken and needs to be fixed. Sure half-a-bazillion crazed fans live and die by the only thing that makes Saturday important in the fall but I'm here to push that number up to three-and-a-half-bazillion and all they have to do is tweak a few things...

Notre Dame
Time to send Notre Dame to division 2A. Cause they ain't Fighting no more. Sending the Irish to the minors for a season will give them a chance to work on the most important aspect of their game--winning. This country can't get enough of the Fightin's whipping the catcrap out of another team on Saturday and quite frankly that fat #### coaching them has plumb forgot what winning is. Plus those little fellows in the junior circuit get a big boost at the gate when the Irish come to town. A win-win for everybody and next year when we bring Notre Dame back to the big league they won't be sporting a 3-win fiasco like a boat anchor around their necks.

Throwback Bowls
Every Saturday you have teams that once met for a national title and that should trigger an automatic throwback bowl game. Give them the same uniforms and equipment from that game and what the hell give them extra points if they score a touchdown using a play from that era, call it the flea-flicker rule. Watch the football magic happen. Shouldn't Nebraska get a chance to shine again? Besides football without helmets or pads is a surefire ratings winner.

Tailgater Football at Half Time
Fat drunk alumni playing full contact football at half time is a real crowd pleaser. Everybody wants to see the guy body-painted in school colors and a frizzy Afro waffle the guy holding the "D" and fence. Make it happen. If the game is tied at the end of the fifteen minutes it kicks in the beer chug sprints, first team to sprint one hundred yards after chugging 11-pitchers of warm stadium beer without hurling wins.

Mascot Fighting
The Oregon Duck's mascot is obviously the odds on favorite to take the title but isn't time we got to see the Trojan mascot run down some fuzzy mascot? Obviously this spells the end of cute mascots as we know them in college football but when the Robo-Nator 3000 replaces the Georgia Bulldog and meets the Auburn Slice 'n Dicer you won't see too many people flipping the channel at halftime anymore. Did Seminoles scalp people? Think of the ratings!

College Gameday
Screw the haircuts phonying their way through stuff they read off cue cards and that crowd of antiseptic preppies posed behind them with network provided signs like "USC Rocks!" Pluck a few half-in-the-bag homers from each bunch of tailgater's and put them within arm's length of each other on camera. Jerry Springer was on to something it's time to take it to the next level. Have the haircuts sit between them and act as a gooey marshmallow center when the brawl breaks out.

Announcers
Make them drink as heavily as the people watching. Nothing opens up color commentary like bourbon. Finally announcing our beer-soaked heads can grasp.

There you have it. Clean, simple, effective. You have some ideas? Throw them in, after all in sports everybody's an expert. Really. Go Owls!