Sports controversy sells and when you bottom line it there's no downside to stirring the upside. Here's all the sports controversy you need and then some. Buckle your sports seatbelt and let's get ready to rumble...
Steroids make sports better, faster, stronger and more enjoyable.
Women can play golf as well as men and Michelle Wie has a bigger set than Sergio Garcia.
White athletes are way better than black athletes and that's a fact.
SABR is to baseball what analyzing brush strokes and colors used is to declaring great art.
The Redeem Team blew it big time when they all didn't take to the podium and give the black power salute commemorating the 40th anniversary of the greatest Olympics protest ever.
The NFL pre-season rocks because we get to figure out what happened to all those guys who didn't get drafted in the first two rounds.
The USA Olympic gymnasts really screwed the pooch by being too old to win.
College football is like watching softcore porn on Cinemax or Showtime they're taking their top off but not much else is going to happen.
Cheating made the Patriots great and they should be allowed to keep cheating because they invented it or at least perfected it.
Black athletes are way better than white athletes and that's a fact.
The Tour De France has a creepy urine fixation and if you have to spend more than half an event whipping it out or examining your zipper it isn't sports it's a porno movie.
Tiger Woods wouldn't be famous if his name was Herb. Nobody cares about guys named Herb in any sport.
Boxing isn't fixed.
Women can't drive on the freeway without checking their makeup or talking on a cellphone. Danica ditch the helmet, go Max Factor on them and prove multi-tasking women are way better drivers than men.
Barry Bonds is baseball and as long as he keeps swatting dingers I don't care if he injects liquefied babies in his butt to do it.
Hispanics are way better athletes than black or white athletes and that's a fact.
Bowling is the outlaw sport they wear crazy shirts.
Brett Favre should be his own team. Nobody can beat the Favre they can only hope to beat the spread.
Steven Seagal and Chuck Norris can't fight to the death because they're both immortal.
Jose Canseco never took steroids.
MMA & UFC is for sissies.
The only two teams worth watching in baseball are the Yankees and the
Red Sox and they should get automatic byes to the World Series.
Pro-wrestling is real the rest of the world is fake. Deal with it.
Real athletes have beer guts.
The Cowboys, Patriots, Lakers, Yankees, and Red Sox suck.
Hooters won't hire a gal with a fake rack.
Orientals are way better athletes than white, black, or hispanic athletes and that's a fact.
The Olympics are cool because every two-years poker has a chance to become an Olympic sport.
NASCAR drivers should be allowed to put anything they want on their gas pedals because faster is better, and rules just slow things down.
Eskimos are way better athletes than white, black, hispanic, or oriental athletes and that's a fact.
The NFL should field an all midget team. They wouldn't win a lot but it would be the best game of the year for most teams. Except of course those teams that got beaten by the midgets. That would really suck. For the regular-sized guys, not the midgets, they'd be cool with it.
Soccer is God's way of gently reminding us we might be retarded.
That's all I got right now so I hope you have some controversy, smack, gibber-jabber, left in you because I'm not afraid to say it and probably have or will...Bring it on!
Brett Favre said it in his 1st press conference as a Jet. "I'm not a traitor." He might not be but that isn't always the case, here are some of the greatest traitors in the history of sports... Terrell Owens--Philadelphia Eagles After a brilliant 2004 season and gutsy broken leg performance in a Super Bowl loss to the Patriots, Owens flushes the Philly fan love down the toilet when he hires Drew Rosenhaus as his new agent and tries to renegotiate his contract. On November 3rd, 2005, after an ESPN interview where he calls the Eagles classless and agrees to a statement that the Eagles would be undefeated if Favre was the QB instead of McNabb, Owens is suspended four games without pay and deactivated for the season. Owens is released by the Eagles on March 16, 2006 and signs with the one team Philly fans hate the most. The Dallas Cowboys. Whatever the world thinks of Iggles fans booing Michael Irvin when his career ends in injury at the Vet nothing before or after will compare to the racket made if Owens goes down at the Linc. Clay Bennett--The Seattle Supersonics In 2006, the Sonics were sold to an investment group led by Clay Bennett, who said the team would stay in Seattle. When the city balks at dropping half-a-billion dollars on building an entire mall around a basketball court Bennett announces he's moving the team. Court documents reveal Bennett and his partners never had any intention of staying in Seattle. After a $45-million dollar settlement with the city, 41-years of basketball history and tradition go up in a puff of legal smoke. The renamed Oklahoma City Thunder kicks off its inaugural season in 2008-2009. Johnny Damon--The Boston Red Sox In 2004 Boston Red Sox Johnny Damon is one of the most feared leadoff hitters in the American League. His swatting leads the Sox past the hated Yankees in the ALCS on the way to the BoSox first World Series triumph in 86 years. In 2005 Damon becomes a free agent and is quoted, "There's no way I can go play for the Yankees..." His wife says, "I can't see him in a Yankees uniform..." She can now. On December 20, 2005, Damon signs a 4-year, $52 million dollar contract with the New York Yankees. BoSox fans take to wearing T-shirts reading, "Looks like Jesus. Acts like Judas. Throws like Mary." Carlos Boozer--The Cleveland Cavaliers Is there a better story than the way Boozer played the Cleveland Cavaliers like a drunk sorority sister? In 2004, the Cavs agree to release Boozer if he signs a new contract for the maximum mid-level exception. Boozer says yes and swears on a stack of bibles so the Cavs release him. Boozer promptly signs with the Utah Jazz for $70-million dollars claiming he had his fingers-crossed the whole time.
Robert Irsay--The Baltimore Colts After contentious and protracted negotiations with Baltimore for a new stadium and constant promises to not move the team, owner Robert Irsay has workers show up at 2:00 AM on March 29, 1984. They load all of the team's equipment onto trucks and the Baltimore Colts belong to history. Johnny Unitas identifies himself as a Baltimore Colt until the day he dies. He completely ignores the Colts in Indianapolis. He leaves the same instructions in his will.
Eric Mangini--The New England Patriots He never has a problem with the Patriots cheating while he works for them but the Lizzie Borden of NFL coaches couldn't wait to bury the ax head-deep in his ex-boss. Newly-minted Jets Head Coach Eric Mangini blows the whistle on Bill Belichik and the Patriots videotaping scheme. Belichik and the Patriots reputation, rightly or wrongly, go down swinging in an avalanche of media tar and feathers. I wonder if Belichik ever stops and thinks about the glowing recommendation he gave Mangini when the Jets called for a reference?
There are so many others--I'm looking forward to your dishonor roll in the comments...
The Olympics used to be compelling sports TV. Plucky USA collegians routinely waffling snooty Europeans, malnourished third world athletes and the Russian military sports colossus. It made you Michelle Obama proud to be an American.
A sports Christmas present eagerly unwrapped every four years. Would East German female swimmers make Dad readjust the rabbit ear antenna on the roof because they sure as hell looked like men to him? Who knew? But one thing you did know. It wasn't chock full of #### non-sports like ballroom dancing, origami, or table setting.
It really went to hell in a hand basket when those sneaky European ####s started measuring everything in meters instead of feet. Which is fine if you're a French sissy but annoying if you still haven't figured out how many twelve-ounce beers fit in a quart ketchup bottle.
European whippets tumbling down a ski jump gave way to polite Canadians seeing how far they could safely slide something on ice while sweeping. This is a sport invented by mother's who warn you not to play with sticks because you'll poke your eye out. The beloved skinny-guy-dropping-from-exhaustion marathon yielded to steroid-fueled amazons racing God knows how far in 4.6 meters or seconds. Either way, the Olympics now suck as pure a suck as can be measured or created in a lab.
And what of the discus, javelin and shot? Once revered for their tenuous relationship to sport and implied threat of injury to oblivious spectator or participant alike they're lost in a flood of goof sports. Bowling? The only gold medal they should give for bowling is for the guy who can waddle his fat #### all the way up to the podium and not be winded.
Ping-Pong? Why not tiddlywinks, Parchesi or Monopoly? They're played on a table too and quite spirited if you get the right group of alcoholics to play them. Skiing and shooting stuff? What kind of sport is that? How about giving a bunch of guys rifles and the skiers a slight head start? Now that sounds like sport.
The IOC, OIC, or CIO is just a bunch of money-grubbing hogs who'd kill each other for an extra nickel. Their inexhaustible greed begat the mind-numbing, soul-sucking bi-annual format spawning all these craptastical events.
They ####d the Olympics further allowing professional athletes who make every event as rapaciously dull as you can endure. LeBron the Olympian? Yawn. He can beat the snot bubbles out of the five best players from Guyana without scoring a point in the second-half. What I want to see is a guy named Smoosh Baxter from Wilbur's Hollow, Arkansas do it and then go on to sell Nationwide Insurance a month later because 5'4 power forwards won't ever make the NBA, maybe the WNBA, but never the NBA.
Even soccer isn't as dull. I still won't watch soccer because it's slower-paced than watching somebody rake leaves but even soccer has enough fans who will plainly tell you the Olympics suck far worse than soccer and that's good enough for me...
Shaq finally did to rap what he did to movies. The latest shocking revelations include:
Shaq has recorded 7 albums worth of rap.
This nauseating tidbit is the WMD of rap. Forget nukes in Iran let's find out where the master tapes are and end this very real threat of ear rape that hangs over our nation.
First and foremost any analysis of this line begins and ends with the mental image of Shaq spreading the ham and Kobe going in tongue first. While there is a certain justice in Shaq metaphorically impaling himself on the once and future NBA king of room service employee abuse. There remains the lifelong collateral damage of us being forced to imagine it. Even radiation poisoning eventually kills you. No such luck here. What's baffling is Shaq included himself in this repugnant scenario. Why not shove Kobe's head in somebody else's Charmin Zone?
"Last week Kobe couldn't do without me."
Well not if you're going to make him taste test you Shaq. What kind of season did Shaq have that leaves him in any way, shape or form triumphant in a comparison of 2008 playoff performance? Shaq is playing like the ghost of Derrick Coleman, a shuffling, creaky echo of his former self.
"I got a vasectomy now I can't breed 'em"
I don't necessarily mourn Shaq's surgical loss of fertility mainly because that's a gene pool so shallow it wouldn't get the soles of your shoes wet but Shaq's groin-o-centric rapping takes too much information to a whole new level of suck. Maybe he went with the snip job because colon polyp is too hard to rhyme.
Patrick Ewing
To top it all off he takes a swipe at Patrick Ewing's lack of a championship ring no doubt a result of a wacky random firing of synapses in his brain. Way to kick a guy in the sack for no good reason.
Stephen A. Smith
Shaq lumbered into damage control releasing a statement to ESPN's Stephen A. Smith. Smith's been shot so deep into ESPN's Phantom Zone it's a wonder Shaq found him. Shaq took a Freudian Slip joyride on his hastily crayoned statement. Telling Smith and critics not to:
"...make something out of nothing."
Shaq is his harshest critic here, but careful analysis of the video shows his rapping doesn't even meet the low standard of nothing.
"I'm totally cool with Kobe. No issue at all."
Yeah but Kobe might not be cool. I don't know about you but the rap doesn't seem very complimentary unless of course orbisculating that particular orifice appeals to you. Shaq went on to say he is:
"...the difference between first and last place"
Once again Shaq cold #### himself. Simple math, if you have Kobe on your team you're likely to finish in first place. If you have Shaq, say hello to my little friend, --last place.
I remember a time when all you had to do was say Kazaam to make a whole room full of NBA fans alternately snicker and vomit. Shaq was a great player, but acting wasn't his cup of tea, as it turns out rapping isn't his ocean of tea either.
According to the Associated Press a Denver man wants the city to be prepared for space aliens and proposes a commission to deal with the matter. 54-year-old Jeff Peckman says an 18-member commission would form a strategy "...dealing with issues related to the presence of extraterrestrial beings on Earth." Surprisingly Peckman is still short of the 4,000 signatures needed to put the matter on next November's ballot.
LeBron James After bricking an 8 for 42 against the Celtics in their first two playoff games clearly he's been replaced by a clone from a galaxy far, far, away. Unable to get very good reception because of the whole change to digital broadcasting in 2009, his home planet, THX1138 only had reruns of a Kwame Brown highlight reel to base his basketball skills on. The LeBron clone slipped up after the Celtics loss when he said, "Being down 0-2, that's a tough hole to dig yourself out of. But if we want to win the series we've got to do it, even if we have to vaporize Garnett, Allen and Pierce."
The White Sox I don't know what solar system thinks men "stacking their bats" in front of a blow up doll isn't #### but it sure as hell isn't this one. And when you get right down to it there couldn't have been one single human in that locker room or he would have said as much in disgust.
Bill Belichick Come on. Who doesn't think he's an alien? The hoodie sweatshirt to hide the antennae sticking out of the back of his head? The robot stare? Spygate? Belichick was recently overheard talking to Roger Goodell when he said, "I knew I should have just caught the other team's coordinators in the tunnels and sucked their brains out with a straw." Richie Sexson Has also been absorbed by the alien collective. There's no way the human Richie Sexson would charge the mound after a pitch had been thrown at him yesterday. The human Sexson would already be on the DL this late in the season.
Dennis Rodman A gimme, confirmed by MIB and still thinks he can play basketball in the NBA. What would you expect from a guy who calls Solaxiant 9 home?
There are others who walk among us on the fields of green and hardwood floors of our hometowns. You might even know a few or suspect. This is the place and time to take a stand before all of sports is overrun and the only thing from earth is the bat or the ball.
Whoever said life imitates sport was right on the money but what if real life held some of the answers for sports? A nonsensical notion at best but what if sports started paying attention to the unimportant world around it? Maybe it would look something like this... $20 million 'virtual' border fence scrapped The US Government is pitchforking $860 million taxpayer dollars into this boondoggle that makes the newly clothed emperor look naked yet smart. It's not a fence but a bunch of iPhones stapled to poles that pinpoint illegal aliens crossing our border and then take a pretty picture. While an "actual" fence is centuries-old proven technology costing 10% of the "virtual" fence, virtuality leapfrogs the whole fuddy-duddy fence as a physical barrier concept and replaces it with cutting edge stupidity. "Oops" the first $20 million dollars just got flushed down the drain... Sort of reminds you of the Detroit Tigers doesn't it? They built the best "virtual" baseball team in the off season for $130 million dollars and right now the 8-year, $152.3 million dollars they dumped down the Miguel Cabrera drain is looking all systems go. Swatting a very ordinary, .263 with 5 dingaroos, Fatty, as his teammates like to call him, waddled over to play 1st base after a grueling three-week stint at 3rd. Meanwhile Dontrelle Willis and his $7,000,000 salary are nestled safely on the DL with zero wins, just two-starts, a hyper-extended knee and a 7.20 ERA. Willis has all the fixin's o####iant floparoo of a season. After notching 9 wins out of twenty played the Tigers are tied with the dismal KC Royals who managed to spend a paltry $57 million dollars for the same result. It looked real good on paper. Israeli Airstrike Targeted Syrian Nuclear Reactor Despite being years away from completion and based on a photograph of a Syrian wearing a I Helped Build a Reactor at Al Kibar & All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt those wacky guys at the Israeli Defense Ministry bombed the snot bubbles out the Syrian site. Their policy of Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry is simple, bomb first and refuse to answer questions later. That same solution might be perfect for those New York Knicks, after a 2008 season where Isiah Thomas redefined imploding, coughing up millions for his #### lechery to childish squabbling with Stephon Marbury, he topped it all off with, Whoops there go all my real jobs. Winning 56 games over two years and losing 108 as coach Thomas is a certified triple threat, he stinks at being President, GM and Coach. He singlehandedly destroyed basketball as we know it in New York City. Kept on out of spite to wring a nickel's worth of value out of the money paid him, Isiah the Useless was peremptorily bombed by his successor Donnie Walsh the other day with the announcement Thomas is banned from having any contact with members of the team! While he doesn't have an office, desk, phone or chair Thomas can still speak to Madison Square Garden chairman James Dolan, but only after saying "Donnie may I?" Walsh strafed the smoking rubble of Isiah Thomas' career in a recent interview saying, "He's answering to me and nobody's reporting to him." I wonder what the question is? Life and sports intertwine in ways so wacky you can't even make it up...
KINSHASA (Reuters) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's ####es after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft... Purported victims claimed sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear...
We finally know why the Patriots lost the Super Bowl to the Giants...
The fat lady is warbling in Seattle and Supersonics fans will be left holding the jersey if a settlement is accepted as reported by the Associated Press. Greed trumps everything but stubborn in this latest example of sports carpetbagging at its finest. Essentially Clay Bennett leaves Seattle with half an empty loaf by abandoning the Supersonics name and team history. Seattle gets $26.5 million dollars and 41 years of memories. Oklahoma City gets a handful of peanuts and surrenders the naming rights to the already named Ford Center. The new lease pays Oklahoma City the equivalent of a bench warmer, ($1.6 million dollars annually plus $409,000 dollars per for the naming rights), over the next 15 years. Given Clay Bennett's flexible thinking on leases they should rename the arena, the Rent-A-Center. That means Bennett rakes in over $36 million dollars a year in ticket sale profit alone! That figure doesn't account for the luxury box bump but means Oklahoma City is making less than 4% on every ticket sold. In real tax dollars that's like your hometown building you a state of the art $250,000 dollar home, renting it back to you for $12 a day and throwing in a ####ing four-sided big screen HDTV hanging from the center of your living room that has a shot clock and keeps score! While Seattle still has a pending legal action to forestall the move until after next season the end game has begun. In his usual impartial manner NBA commissioner David Stern was seen jumping up and down in the Ford Center shouting, "Goody, goody, goody!" While the NBA Grand Poobahs blather Seattle should have a franchise in no time look no further than other cities with comparable populations that lost NBA franchise with the same bland assurances from the NBA. Like San Diego, (pop. 3 million), 23 years removed from the Clippers, Kansas City, (pop. 2 million), 22 years past the Kings, or Vancouver, (pop. 2 million), 6 years away from the Grizzlies. Seattle Supersonics fans can look on the bright side...Minneapolis only waited 29 years between the Lakers and the Timberwolves.
Welcome to all the sports you can cram into a sackful of Mondays. Kobe Gets T-Boned "You shouldn't jump on junior. His dad might carry a grudge against you..." chided the Zenmaster when he played the Daddy card in a post-game presser referring to NBA referee Brian Forte, son of NBA Official Joe who T-Boned Super Kobe after he dropped 21 points and 10 assists on the not so Supersonics. Kobe jibber-jabbered his way off the court for an imagined foul Forte refused to call. LA up thirty-something polished off the future Oklasonics 111-91. Kobe finished the game from the locker room. Dirty Ol' Racetrack NASCAR fans all over the country have the Sprint Cup Series Auto Club 500 flu today as anticipated rain nixed the final 163 laps. They say the 3rd time's the charm but five hours and 2 previous rain delays doomed two-time reigning series champion Jimmie Johnson's attempt to three-peat. The worst culprit? Leaking seams or weepers. Let's zoom in with Junior-vision, "The track's real dirty and guys are just sliding all over the place. It's a dirty ol' racetrack out there." Reed Sorenson, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Casey Mears, Sam Hornish Jr., Joe Nemechek, Elliott Sadler, and Robby Gordon were all involved in accidents or spun out. Where Are They Now? Hockey or Le No! Toronto Maple Leaf Mats Sundin refused to waive his no trade clause which means virtually nothing to 99.9999% of us and only slightly more to the fortunes of the Leafs. Golfinator Destroys Fifth Course Can Mankind be Saved? Meanwhile the entire golf world prostrates itself before the rampaging Tiger (El Tony del Tigre) Woods who turned Golfinator this year breaking four straight tournament scoring records, notching five straight victories worldwide and yet still drives a Buick, the lamest SUV on the market. When asked if he could win them all, the Golfinator processed and flashed this on his plasma golf monitor, "That's my intent, that's why you play. If you don't believe you can win an event, don't show up." Yikes! Somebody call Sara Connor... Say Didn't You Suck in Houston? Finally, Brad Lidge injured himself on his very first pitch in the Grape for those Phillies continuing the low, low standard set last season by Freddy Garcia for wasting the most salary with the least effort by a Phillies pitcher. The cause of his injury? The pitching rubber. Surgery to follow, stay tuned, same Lidge time, same Lidge station, as we follow this breaking down pitcher story.
Just say no to sports tax. The Florida State legislature got it right exhibiting 5 times the common sense Miami-Dade County did by flame broiling a recent Marlins attempt to ripoff $60 million taxpayer dollars for a stadium. The Miami taxpayer "contribution" of $347 million includes an egregious $297 million in tourist tax dollars! Miami has the wrong name, it ought to be the Bay of Greedy Pigs. #### out-of-towner's is hardly a novel concept but vacationing in Miami next year sounds like purposely dropping the soap in a Turkish prison.
How much are the Marlins willing to pay? A paltry $155 million dollars, thirty-stinking-percent.
What does Miami-Dade County manager George Burgess say about tax-fisting locals and vacationers stupid enough to go anywhere near Miami in the future? "We're all comfortable with that..." Is it any better in Seattle? Let's turn on the Stern-O-Phone and see what the Commish has to say about [insert appropriate expletive here] Clay Bennett upset taxpayers won't pay for a shopping mall and food court around a perfectly good arena, an arena nearly identical to Madison Square Garden.
"There's not going to be a new arena. There's not going to be a public contribution and that's everyone's right. I mean that sincerely, or, ...despite everything, there is (no) reason to keep them there as the clock winds down." Stern said. That's the new buzz word for ripoff by fat cat commissioners playing the franchise shell game. Contribution, remember that the next time you get mugged. What Is Stern really saying? "Come on Seattle taxpayers, get stupid!Really stupid!" Taking a dump on Seattle during his pathetic "All Star Suck Up to Clay Bennett" Stern audaciously concluded by mounting his next victim running on the hamster wheel of greed afflicting pro-sports. Sounds like Stern's running a protection racket.
"I'm much more optimistic about the prospects of the team meeting the goals that have been set," Stern said. "The people I hear interviewed, the businessmen I speak to, the fans, the government officials, I think there is going to be a unique, unified effort to make sure that New Orleans is very much a basketball town." What the shameless huckster is really saying is if the Hornets don't average an additional 2,100 fans a game next season the NBA is pulling up stakes and sucking another city dry. Noted UFO-logist and long-time Seattle resident Golum E. Roswell says, "Even the worst cattle mutilation leaves a better taste in your mouth."
Where does it stop? Is there a single municipality that can't find a better use of taxpayer money? Roads, bridges, schools, parks, or lower taxes are all better investments than gypsy sports franchises. Isn't New Orleans primary goal rebuilding the city? Why would the city officials or people of New Orleans care about the Hornets attendance right now? Is the NBA that self-absorbed? If New Orleans can't find a better use for Federal Funds for Katrina Relief than the Hornets they should have their heads examined. Besides if you hate baseball or basketball why should you pay a private baseball or basketball company's mortgage let alone shell out your hard earned money for their recliners? Finally for all the vaunted "economic impact studies" trotted out like the broken down nags they are I don't see one actual fact that comes close to proving half a billion dollars flushed down the sports drain is ever offset by non-resident sports tourism in a century let alone the new benchmark of sports greed, a decade. Any real estate developer other than a sports team owner could build a mall between a stadium and an arena and you wouldn't have to spend a dime of taxpayers money.
They'd build the stadium and arena at no extra charge. Because their tenants are guaranteed 12,000-60,000 fans almost every day or night of the week. The developer could offer sweetheart leases to the pro-teams and charge a premium based on traffic to tenants. Fans wouldn't have to pay exorbitant ticket prices either. Guaranteeing a full stadium, arena and mall. Win-win-win-win. The almost criminally stupid and inbred way this is occurring in every major city defies common and economic sense.
Sports Hell isn't a single place, it's actually many but each one casts unsuspecting, undeserving fans into a bubbling, sulfurous cauldron of mediocrity, anguish and slow roasted agony. The fuel of Sports Hell is bad trades, bad decisions, reckless athletes, stingy owners, and everything else squeezed tight until it explodes in a blinding flash. Welcome to the 8th circle of... Look if you dare... Phoenix Fans will never forget the day when they rolled out of bed and stepped straight into fire and brimstone brought to them by the aptly named Suns. Sports Hell many times starts with a single sentence like "Shaq passes physical"...that really spells unendurable agony for Phoenix. Shaq'ling the speedy Suns makes as much sense as sawing Steve Nash's legs off and trading them to Chicago for Ben Wallace. Congrats Steve Kerr for finally matching somebody up with that other aging leviathan Chris Webber. Sports Hell is everywhere. Boston The Patriots brought a little bit of the Sun's luck back with them, arriving undefeated and leaving the Biggest Loser since Tank Johnson. The Patriots and their fans got greased by Satan himself, Roger Goodell who purposely hung them out to dry by not responding to Senator Arlen Specter until January 31st, which smelled worse than fish left in a desk drawer. The Patriots didn't deserve getting tea bagged two days before the Super Bowl. Ah Sports Hell it's a dry heat. New York Oh those poor Mets fans no sooner do the Mets sign Johann Santana and Pedro Martinez goes and Vick's a chicken. HA HA HA, Sports Hell has a sense of humor! Martinez and HOF'er Juan Marichal shared a laugh before releasing the roosters and flushing Martinez's career down the toilet. The two were honorary "soltadores," for Mets fans that means the #### starter who chucks the chicken into the cockfighting ring to meet a brutal fate. Congrats are in order for Juan Marichal, for being a winner in all he does, his #### killed the catcrap out of Martinez's. In Sports Hell cockfighting we have a rule, never bet on a chicken named Rotisserie. Washington Oh yes my friends the coaching vacancy of the Washington Redskins is the 9th circle of Sports Hell. Each day the fans are spitted and rotated slowly as possible while every conceivable candidate including Ashlee Simpson endures a marathon 12 hour Dan Snyder interview bracketed by 90 minutes of football phone sex. The latest victim is the New York Giants Steve Spagnuolo. The long suffering Redskin faithful wonder if the problem is Snyder's man-crush Tom Cruise checking the candidates for Thetans. The only good thing Sports Hell can say about Snyder is he fired the anti-Christ of NFL head coaches, Norv Turner. Washington Post writer Sally Jenkins said it best, "Daniel Snyder isn't really looking for a head coach, he just wants to hire another butler." Sports Hell is dry roasted like a peanut.
"Sometimes, when you ride a wave, you get to the end and that's all there is." Jason Kidd is paddling towards the breakers and the Jersey shore is receding behind him. The triple-double Kidd has said goodbye and the only thing left is figuring out where the next wave takes him. Kidd at 34, is surfing the short end of a stellar career as one of the best point guards in the NBA. Last year he was worth Lamar Odom and Kwame Brown, and a handful of mutts. This year it might be draft picks and not very good ones at that... "We tried to make this work. We've found out it doesn't. It's time for us all to move on." He's playing the "It's not you, it's me" card. That usually works for me when I'm kicking an embarrassing albeit morally casual gal to the curb. You use the word "we" to make them think it's their idea but you know they aren't happy you drank all the free milk and now you're going to Wrestlemania with a younger, prettier, lighter & dumber version of them. Vinnie the C, and Richard "Moving on Up" Jefferson are on the books for the next 4-6 years so Kidd is the only bargaining chip the DOA 18 win Nets have to dangle. Quite frankly the Nets team chemistry seems straight out of Love Canal. The problem isn't scoring, it's stopping. Stopping the other team from scoring, stopping an 8-game skid, stopping the season long soap opera performance of Kidd who sings two tunes, Please Release Me, and Stay, on alternating nights to anyone who listens. "It used to be if I got a triple-double, that was an automatic win." The Nets need a 3/4 guy who can #### in the paint and put fires out. Nenad Krstic and his used-to-be 30-minutes per game and 6-point-not-getting-them-this-year rebounds ain't that guy. Especially sporting a brand spanking new repaired ACL. Unless a contender out West has a young guy like that sitting on the bench and they need an anti-Steve Nash it doesn't look like Kidd gets you that guy. So the Nets go full bore salary dump & get a bunch of expiring contracts, some draft picks and maybe get lucky in the draft. But what stinkfoot team wants or needs a 34 year old Kidd crushing their cap space buzz? The Nets may have painted themselves into a corner.
Welcome to the NBA Videodrome. Mad Hoops courtesy of your host, Foghorn Leghorn... Doo-DAH! Doo-DAH!...I say, I say...a Dyslexic walks into a bra...That's a joke... I say, that's a joke, son. That boy's as strong as an ox...and almost as smart. What we got here is a couple of lil ol' films of NBA legends and as you might imagine...pay attention son I'm a talkin' to you...sports was better then and so was the lovin' but I digress. Thanks to the Soupy Sales School of Video & Sound at the Extension Campus of...are ya paying attention son?...That boy's as sharp as a sack of wet mice! The Sherman & Peabody Institute of Technology I present to you the NBA in all it's glory without that pesky HDTV color that makes your's truly look like a Rhode Island Red...Today we kick it OG...
I'm stunned. I didn't think it could happen this quickly. A swarm of gnats that couldn't be swatted away during the football season and now they're gone. Wiped out. Not a single one to be found anywhere. They are Dallas Cowboy fans for life. I called my editor Max Perkins and barked "Max I need bus fare to America pronto and a single malt that travels well!" In a few short hours I was Greyhounding my way into the heart of America, the "Cathy I'm lost..." America that Simon & Garfunkle sang about before Paul Simon turned into a cultural vampire. Speaking of which this is what the in-flight movie was on bus. Holy Deja Vu Batman! Eerily the plot concerns what would have happened in New York City if the Giants lost the playoff game to the Cowboys. They would have turned into a wriggling mass of light sensitive brain suckers intent on slurping the cranial matter out of Will Smith and any dog he loved...It was stunning. And while the chicks were still hot in that un-dead supermodel zombie kind of way, they still would have sucked your skull dry like a milkshake even if you took them to a nice restaurant and bought them flowers. Thank you Eli. Oh and my brain thanks you too... I figured Texas was as good as any place to start and after the Greyhound belched an exhausty goodbye I walked down the empty street of one of Dallas' nicest neighborhood and I don't mind telling you it was way too creepy for words so I snapped a picture with my Kodak 110 disposal camera. (I saved the receipt so Max can stop whining "Stuff" is an unacceptable description for expenses to the bean counters in the accounting department.) There wasn't a soul to be found. Not one Cowboy flag, bumper sticker or even fan wearing the ol' blue and silver. I whistled the theme from a spaghetti western and as luck would have it ran into a blind panhandler selling maps to the homes of the celebrities in Dallas. "Say fella, where is everybody?" "They all gone, Mistuh, you wanna buy a map for $5.00?" 'When did they leave?" "Las' night 'n' there was a great gnashing of teeth and wailing like they favorite pig got stuck with a big ol' kitchen knife, yessuh, it was a mighty mournful sound." "Thank's Pop's, here's a ten for your trouble" I took the offered map and walked away. "Thank you Suh, thank you very much indeed." He really must have been blind cause I gave him a crispy one dollar bill. I felt better knowing he really was blind because it really gives blind beggars a bad name when they can actually see... Jerry Jones mansion really shocked me. It looked like heck warmed over and then some. there wasn't anybody inside or outside and the only proof it was his house was the plaque on the door hanging by one bent nail, Jerry Jones Slept Here. The rest of Dallas pretty much looked like this. Except sometimes the signs were on the other side of the street but pretty much Cowboys fans have picked up stakes and started blowing in the wind. Like the Lost Colony of Roanoke we might never solve the mystery, I saw the future and it was bleak. Countless millions watching History Channel shows about Cowboy fans disappearing like a ship in the Bermuda Triangle asking why wasn't this solved before the same thing happened to the Patriots and Celtics fans? I headed out to Texas Stadium. I had the Texas Tornado's blasting "Don't you know I love you and my corazón is real?"on my iPod. (Thanks FOX & Max the iPod was a necessary expense to write that last line truthfully, journalistic ethics is my middle name.) Surely somebody would be there. It's gone, Daddy, gone. As if the earth swallowed it whole and didn't even burp. The only thing I found was an Escalade rim, otherwise there was no trace an NFL player let alone Texas Stadium ever existed. So I saddled up the ol' Greyhound and headed for the Big Easy because legend has it the streets are paved with bourbon...Hey Max, I'll get a receipt for that too...
Faster than you can say Tshimanga Biakabutuka I read about D-Wade firing off 48 in a futile attempt to best the puddle jump cross-state rival Orlando Magic last night which wasn't as remarkable as the 22 knocked down by none other than the Orlando Magic's Turkish Michael Jordan, Hedo Türkoglu. Hedo Türkoglu is a 6'10 small forward who can also play some 2 and 4 and if you think his name is tough to pronounce check out his home town of Gaziosmanpasa the next time you're driving through Turkey...but the NBA is full of guys named Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Zarko Cabarkapa,and the always disappointing draft pick Nikoloz Tskitishvili. What about NFL'ers Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala or Adimchinobe Echemandu? It got me to thinking, what are or were the toughest names ever shouted in the thrill of victory or agony of defeat? Anyone can scream Tim Duncan or Tom Brady. No I'm talking about the players who got pegged as "that guy" by fans and announcers alike...like Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila. The Bob's said it best in Office Space, "Gbaja Gbaja not gonna work here anymore," even his mother had trouble calling him for dinner with that name. So put on your thinking caps and throw down some of the best sport's tongue twisters you know. There are plenty still left...
Welcome to the NBA Christmas. Where we hand out gifts to the deserving and not so deserving. It isn't all coal in the stockings some guys have been very good this year. Santa has a great gift for the Cleveland Cavaliers. It's a LeBronBron. A GPS device that will help all the other guys on the team find the basket. No matter where they are on the court they'll get easy to follow directions to the hoop. Which should help. A lot. Shit####s. No kidding it's painful watching James and Ilgauskas twist in the wind while the rest of the team aspires to 2.1 points per game. The Warriors flat out spanked them yesterday. The fans were booing. Or is that LeBoo-ing? Santa brought Kobe something he'll treasure forever. A book that teaches Kobe how to share the ball and while Kobe should be proud of being the youngest guy to drop 20,000 points breaking Wilt's record (Wilt took 6 years to score 20k, Kobe took 11), he should notice there are four other guys wearing the same color uniform on the court. Bryant tantrum-ed his way into oblivion in LA and scoring a bazillion more points won't get him any closer to a ring if he never learns to pass, ask AI. So Santa found a bigger star to remind Kobe to dish the rock. Elvis. Santa brought a spotlight for Chris Kaman. He's 25 and coming into his own as the scoring threat he was in college. It's catching some NBA scribblers by surprise but not the Fowl Line; we said Napoleon Kaman was Dynamite in 2006. It's a shame he's on the Clippers. This year Kaman's averaging 18.6 PPG, 14 REB, 2.1 ASST, 49% FGP, and 39.1 MIN per game. Makes the next two guys look like money flushed down the toilet. Shaq and Ben Wallace are flat out stealing their paychecks this year. Yeah, we know Wallace has a busted foot that's why Santa brought them both shiny new Wheels for Christmas. God only knows they need them. Usually Shaq can whip his blubber-phonic game into shape by the playoffs but if Wallace were a racehorse he would be mighty nervous anytime an ALPO truck drove by.
d as "that guy" by fans and announcers alike...like Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila. The Bob's said it best in Office Space, "Gbaja Gbaja not gonna work here anymore," even his mother had trouble calling him for dinner with that name. So put on your thinking caps and throw down some of the best sport's tongue twisters you know. There are plenty still left...
