The Olympics used to be compelling sports TV. Plucky USA collegians routinely waffling snooty Europeans, malnourished third world athletes and the Russian military sports colossus. It made you Michelle Obama proud to be an American.
A sports Christmas present eagerly unwrapped every four years. Would East German female swimmers make Dad readjust the rabbit ear antenna on the roof because they sure as hell looked like men to him? Who knew? But one thing you did know. It wasn't chock full of #### non-sports like ballroom dancing, origami, or table setting.
It really went to hell in a hand basket when those sneaky European ####s started measuring everything in meters instead of feet. Which is fine if you're a French sissy but annoying if you still haven't figured out how many twelve-ounce beers fit in a quart ketchup bottle.
European whippets tumbling down a ski jump gave way to polite Canadians seeing how far they could safely slide something on ice while sweeping. This is a sport invented by mother's who warn you not to play with sticks because you'll poke your eye out. The beloved skinny-guy-dropping-from-exhaustion marathon yielded to steroid-fueled amazons racing God knows how far in 4.6 meters or seconds. Either way, the Olympics now suck as pure a suck as can be measured or created in a lab.
And what of the discus, javelin and shot? Once revered for their tenuous relationship to sport and implied threat of injury to oblivious spectator or participant alike they're lost in a flood of goof sports. Bowling? The only gold medal they should give for bowling is for the guy who can waddle his fat #### all the way up to the podium and not be winded.
Ping-Pong? Why not tiddlywinks, Parchesi or Monopoly? They're played on a table too and quite spirited if you get the right group of alcoholics to play them. Skiing and shooting stuff? What kind of sport is that? How about giving a bunch of guys rifles and the skiers a slight head start? Now that sounds like sport.
The IOC, OIC, or CIO is just a bunch of money-grubbing hogs who'd kill each other for an extra nickel. Their inexhaustible greed begat the mind-numbing, soul-sucking bi-annual format spawning all these craptastical events.
They ####d the Olympics further allowing professional athletes who make every event as rapaciously dull as you can endure. LeBron the Olympian? Yawn. He can beat the snot bubbles out of the five best players from Guyana without scoring a point in the second-half. What I want to see is a guy named Smoosh Baxter from Wilbur's Hollow, Arkansas do it and then go on to sell Nationwide Insurance a month later because 5'4 power forwards won't ever make the NBA, maybe the WNBA, but never the NBA.
Even soccer isn't as dull. I still won't watch soccer because it's slower-paced than watching somebody rake leaves but even soccer has enough fans who will plainly tell you the Olympics suck far worse than soccer and that's good enough for me...
According to the Associated Press a Denver man wants the city to be prepared for space aliens and proposes a commission to deal with the matter. 54-year-old Jeff Peckman says an 18-member commission would form a strategy "...dealing with issues related to the presence of extraterrestrial beings on Earth." Surprisingly Peckman is still short of the 4,000 signatures needed to put the matter on next November's ballot.
LeBron James After bricking an 8 for 42 against the Celtics in their first two playoff games clearly he's been replaced by a clone from a galaxy far, far, away. Unable to get very good reception because of the whole change to digital broadcasting in 2009, his home planet, THX1138 only had reruns of a Kwame Brown highlight reel to base his basketball skills on. The LeBron clone slipped up after the Celtics loss when he said, "Being down 0-2, that's a tough hole to dig yourself out of. But if we want to win the series we've got to do it, even if we have to vaporize Garnett, Allen and Pierce."
The White Sox I don't know what solar system thinks men "stacking their bats" in front of a blow up doll isn't #### but it sure as hell isn't this one. And when you get right down to it there couldn't have been one single human in that locker room or he would have said as much in disgust.
Bill Belichick Come on. Who doesn't think he's an alien? The hoodie sweatshirt to hide the antennae sticking out of the back of his head? The robot stare? Spygate? Belichick was recently overheard talking to Roger Goodell when he said, "I knew I should have just caught the other team's coordinators in the tunnels and sucked their brains out with a straw." Richie Sexson Has also been absorbed by the alien collective. There's no way the human Richie Sexson would charge the mound after a pitch had been thrown at him yesterday. The human Sexson would already be on the DL this late in the season.
Dennis Rodman A gimme, confirmed by MIB and still thinks he can play basketball in the NBA. What would you expect from a guy who calls Solaxiant 9 home?
There are others who walk among us on the fields of green and hardwood floors of our hometowns. You might even know a few or suspect. This is the place and time to take a stand before all of sports is overrun and the only thing from earth is the bat or the ball.
Welcome to the NBA Christmas. Where we hand out gifts to the deserving and not so deserving. It isn't all coal in the stockings some guys have been very good this year. Santa has a great gift for the Cleveland Cavaliers. It's a LeBronBron. A GPS device that will help all the other guys on the team find the basket. No matter where they are on the court they'll get easy to follow directions to the hoop. Which should help. A lot. Shit####s. No kidding it's painful watching James and Ilgauskas twist in the wind while the rest of the team aspires to 2.1 points per game. The Warriors flat out spanked them yesterday. The fans were booing. Or is that LeBoo-ing? Santa brought Kobe something he'll treasure forever. A book that teaches Kobe how to share the ball and while Kobe should be proud of being the youngest guy to drop 20,000 points breaking Wilt's record (Wilt took 6 years to score 20k, Kobe took 11), he should notice there are four other guys wearing the same color uniform on the court. Bryant tantrum-ed his way into oblivion in LA and scoring a bazillion more points won't get him any closer to a ring if he never learns to pass, ask AI. So Santa found a bigger star to remind Kobe to dish the rock. Elvis. Santa brought a spotlight for Chris Kaman. He's 25 and coming into his own as the scoring threat he was in college. It's catching some NBA scribblers by surprise but not the Fowl Line; we said Napoleon Kaman was Dynamite in 2006. It's a shame he's on the Clippers. This year Kaman's averaging 18.6 PPG, 14 REB, 2.1 ASST, 49% FGP, and 39.1 MIN per game. Makes the next two guys look like money flushed down the toilet. Shaq and Ben Wallace are flat out stealing their paychecks this year. Yeah, we know Wallace has a busted foot that's why Santa brought them both shiny new Wheels for Christmas. God only knows they need them. Usually Shaq can whip his blubber-phonic game into shape by the playoffs but if Wallace were a racehorse he would be mighty nervous anytime an ALPO truck drove by. Santa has a special gift for Stephon Marbury. A smaller wallet. Cause his just got $195,000 lighter. And not because he's been naughty but because the greedy NBA is fining him for leaving the team while grieving the loss of his father. Shame on the NBA, shame on the Knicks for not dropping the fine instantly. Santa is already pissed he lost money because of that crooked referee now they're picking on a guy whose dad died. I don't care if you're an ax murderer there are just certain times of your life when everybody, including your employer, should cut you some freaking slack.
No glass slipper for LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers this afternoon as the Pistons put on a 2nd half defensive clinic and smothered the Cavs to death. Holding Cleveland to a record low number of points scored in a playoff game, Detroit's defensive scheme, swarmed Cleveland until the last minute of the game.
Wasn't LeBron's fault either. He dropped 27 points or 44% of Cleveland's total offense. In a disappearing act worthy of David Copperfield the rest of the Cavs shot a putrid 9 of 41 from the field and a team shooting 30% never goes to the next round.
Pistons defense dominated the glass grabbing 48 rebounds, blocking 6 shots and stealing 4 rocks in a return to form. Tayshaun Prince scored 20, Rip Hamilton dropped 15, Rasheed Wallace 13, and Chauncey Billups chipped in 12.
The game close at halftime with Detroit up 40-38 but the Cavs only scored 23 in the second half while the Pistons piled in 39. Next up for the Motown Five? The Heat.
Postscript: I understand ESPN and TNT giving up the LeBron-love and I've written as well as read quite a few things about LeBron on FoxSportsBlogs but this is a wakeup call for the Cavs. You can't build a championship caliber team without putting the right pieces around LeBron. Hughes is just mediocre streaky, and Snow, much as I love him for his time in Philly, is all done, Murray and Marshall are old wheels on a young team. If they replace these guys with the right components they could make a big splash. If they stand pat Kevin Garnett could get some company in the phantom zone with Cleveland burying LeBron alive like the T-Wolves did Garnett. Not exactly a stunning analysis but I'm open to dispute from the distinguished members here who feel the Cavs are just fine and dandy.
Game 5 Mav's-Spurs turns rugby scrum. Loose ball brawl. Phantom punch sends Jason Terry to Game 6 penalty box. Stackhouse gets nod. Cuban's blog whines to likely NBA fine. Terry, 2nd leading Mav playoff scorer, will be missed. Keith Van Horn, broken paw, gutless or invisible, you decide. Tim Duncan, All-Godzilla in the series, bricked 12-footer for the W denies he ever used steroids to hit more homeruns. Manu lit the fuse.
Suns up. Clips down. Raja drops the rock. Cassell not crying over spilt milk. BrandCassell-ina continues fifty rocks per game playoff tear . Nash can't buy a three. Marion sprains stitches grabs 20, nets 36. Kaman bites head off Suns chicken, clucks double-double. Tim Thomas needs a timeout and buy Raja Bell lunch for getting him off the hook, tick-tock. NBA Tattler says: Thomas one more example of Billy King's punch-drunk poor decisions as 76ers GM.
Cavs rewrite script. If you peeped the Wiz you know Detroit is LeBron and done. There's a stone in my shoe, the sun is in my eyes Dept: Rasheed Wallace guaranteed to keep mouth shut like his offense for past 2 games. Rip-Llups 32 is not stepping up. NBA Tattler says buh-bye Pistons, why? Zydrunas Ilgauskas you can't beat what you can't spell.
Heat on seat waiting for date to the prom. Riley's hair glad to be back in the hunt. Shaq-cules mortal but ready. Mourning & Wade recharge batteries, de-nag injuries. NBA Tattler says: Pistons or LeBron blows by Shaq and Mourning like they're Carnival Cruise Line furniture.
I'm surprised this wasn't my very first post. After all McDonalds invented the drive-thru lane for me. Only McDonalds understood, long before I did, the harm burning a single calorie would cause me over the long run, if I had to get out of my ####in' Chevette® and walk all the way across the parking lot to get a tasty QPC, large fries and a Coke®, (shaken not stirred, extra ice). Don't mistake my fervor for the Church of the Golden Arches®, as sarcasm, this is no "save the rainforest" Birkenstock® stamping rant against the beloved institution that made dinner cost $2.99 all across America. If only they'd serve beer it would make the Garden of Eden look like a trash strewn parking lot in Newark. To me the worst film ever made was that whining, lying, weasel Morgan Spurlock barely getting through 30 days eating nothing but the best damn food on the planet wrapped in post consumer recycled paper and featured on a lighted menu we've all memorized. Go ahead close your eyes, do you see it? Case closed. Besides I've been living on it for forty years and I haven't exploded like that crummy movie suggests, if you really gained that much weight for every month you ever ate McDonalds, why didn't we burst like overripe pumpkins sometime prior to 1977? We wouldn't even notice how big Barry Bonds head is because our eyelids would be too heavy to lift. My seeing-eye dog would be typing this. Super Size that Spurlock. McDonalds is the bedrock of the fast food pyramid and to prove it I've listed their menu as metaphors for sports figures and like a dog that looks like its owner (or vice-versa), they fit like a glove, I mean McGriddle®.
Hamburger: Where it all began. A simple, single beef patty nestled on a bun with 2 pickles, a dollop of mustard and ketchup. Plain, always fashionable and hits the spot. Who is it? Chris Kaman: Not pretty, just solid, scoring skills he hasn't even used, like the burst of goodness in your mouth when you hit the mustard, ketchup, pickle trio in one bite. Think I'm wrong? they've sold a couple billion of these things, and ten years from now when Kaman's a household name for the prototypical, tough, agile, center of the new millenium you'll see why he's All-Hamburger.
Cheeseburger: The uptown cousin of the hamburger, still solid, but just a dash of flash, very popular, might be the quintessential expression of American cuisine. Who is it? Aaron Rowand: A tough gritty blue collar player (see previous post) still as beloved in Chicago as he is in Philly for instantly mashing his face on the fence making a game saving catch and igniting the Phillies to sweep the Reds while he recovered from a broken eye-socket and nose. He's an All World Cheeseburger because he's beloved in two cities that battle over the distinction of being the fattest in America.
6 Piece Chicken McNuggets®: So good it makes you want to McNugget® other animals and eat them six at a time. So addicting if you say NFL game I buy a twenty-pack. And what's the deal with the hot mustard for McNuggets®? I'd drink that as a beverage its so good. Not just a food its a philosophy. If they ever stopped McNuggeting® I'd picket and probably burn cars in the mostly empty parking lot, (damn drive-thru's). Who is it? Peyton Manning: 33,000+ passing yds in 8 years and he's only 30. So good you forget he's rung up 4,000 yds six out of the last seven seasons in a row. To give you an idea of how great he is, Tom Brady is one year younger and he's thrown for 18,000 yds in the past six years. McNugget® Manning has a ring to it. Now all he needs to do is win the big one.
Quarter Pounder with Cheese®: My all time favorite, sesame seed bun, onions, pickles, ketchup and mustard in just the right amounts. It's an expression of the promise McDonalds keeps with every bite. We're the best, you know it, we don't need a commercial where guys burn their underwear to prove it. Even the little box it comes in is an icon. The leather briefcase of burgers. Who is it? LeBron James: 6300+ points in 3 years. He's 22. So scary he beats teams in the playoffs with 9/10th's of a second left in the game and knife's through them like Jack the Ripper at a prom. He is not hype, or fluff conocted in a sports agent's head, he bites his nails he's so anxious to win during timeouts, like a high rev engine on a Formula 1 car forced to idle. Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese®? He's all that and a large fry.
Sausage McMuffin® with Egg: McDonalds has great coffee, great hashbrowns but if you want to hit the spot you use them as condiments for your Sausage McMuffin® with Egg. Eggs Benedict might be what the smart set serves in the Hampton's but McDonalds brought it to your car window and went all in by slapping a sausage patty on it. This is meat & potatos American genius. The genuine article. Who is it? Albert Pujols: A thousand hits, over 200 2B's, 200 HR's, 600 hundred RBI's, 400 BB's and a .332 career average in just 5 years. He is the best player in the game today, in 2006 he's only on pace to swat 80+ HR's and over 200 RBI's. But you won't hear any crying from Hack Wilson fans because this 26 year old 4 time All Star is no juice fraud. The real casualty of Barry Bond's steroids? Pujols, deked out of the MVP in his rookie year by our bloated national disgrace.
I think you all get the rules, I've purposely left quite a few tasty menu items off my list for you to suggest in the comments box, you can suggest other McDonalds items & players or other players for those listed above, so we can fill in all the blanks. I will repost all the suggestions in a future blog. Besides I have an overwhelming urge to make a McDonalds run...
4-2-8-20 can you guess the next number in the sequence? Its not the SAT's its the number of points the Big Zero, Gilbert Arenas dropped by the quarter on the Cleveland Cavaliers to even the series up at 2 apiece as the Wiz beat the Cavs 106-96.
"We didn't play as well as we could have..." Antawn Jamison-Washington Wizards-22 pts & 10 boards-post game press conference.
LeBron's 3 point touch was a stunning convenience store 7 for 11. So was his 0 for the 3rd quarter. I saw it but I still don't believe it. What can you say about a guy who sticks 38 points when you do everything short of locking him in a closet to stop him? The world is no longer a big enough metaphor for LeBron therefore I'm crowning him All Solar System.
The unsong hero of the game? Wizards guard Jared Jeffries, who pitched a shutout in the 3rd quarter, drew 4 offensive fouls from James and held LeBron to a mortal 13 points in the second half.
"We play like #### when we have the lead" Eddie Jordan-Wizards coach-post game press conference.
It was a rock-em sock-em brawl with the Wiz behind three out of four quarters, down by as much as 13 points. 23 forced turnovers resulted in 29 Wizard points. James went cold after scoring 25 in the 1st half and Cleveland's lead dropped to nine midway through the 3rd. Washington's three-headed scoring machine went to work ending the game with 75 points between Arenas, Jamison & Butler.
"I changed my shoes, shorts, tights, everything at halftime...that first uniform was bad luck for me." Gilbert Arenas-Washington Wizards-34 points-5 boards-6 assists-3 steals-post game press conference.
How cold was Arenas? How about 1 for 9 in the 1st half. Yikes. Gilbert was respectable in the 3rd and unstoppable in the fourth. The game turned when Arenas broke a 72 point tie from the free throw line in the final second of the 3rd and the Wiz never looked back in a believe it or not 106-96 victory.
The ref's handed out fouls to Cleveland like chiclets ringing up 5 on James, and 4 each on Ilgauskas, Marshall and Varejao while Larry Hughes fouled out. How important were those fouls? The Wiz converted 32 out of 40 free throws and broke Cleveland's back down the stretch .
The heavyweight bout continues in Cleveland. In what might prove to be the most exciting series in this round of the NBA playoffs.
The headline should read "The Big Zero Steamrollers LeBron" with 23 seconds left in the game the Big Zero, Gilbert Arenas, had to go through LeBron James to carry the Wiz to a 2-1 lead in the playoffs.
Down by one Arenas took the ball drove to the hoop and crashed into a diving James. The stuff legends are made of. LeBron ended up on the floor, the ball through the net. A fitting end to a nailbiter 4th quarter.
Not so fast. There's five seconds left.
Enough time to do what? Sneeze? Cough? Look at your watch? Didn't the Wiz lead all the way? It's in the bag. Case closed. Door slammed.
You can't let LeBron beat you. Double team him. Foul him. Make the other Cavs who've been shooting bricks all night beat you. Do something, anything, but whatever you do don't...
James takes the ball.
Two guys between him and the bucket.
Slashes in left side top of the paint, one Wiz to beat, two others closing fast.
Fake pumps, jumps, there's a collision, holds onto the ball, last possible millisecond, shoots.
Ball spins, hits the backboard, drops through, Cavs win.
You might remember Afro-Doc in full glory dunking over hapless opponents, Magic winning championships with that unforgettable smile, or Michael Jordan, tongue hanging out of his mouth, destroying everyone and everything in his way grabbing a fistful of titles.
Do you remember the very first time the stars fell on their shoulders?
The exact moment when the mantle of greatness collides with destiny?
Last night was one of those rare glittering nights.
ile grieving the loss of his father. Shame on the NBA, shame on the Knicks for not dropping the fine instantly. Santa is already pissed he lost money because of that crooked referee now they're picking on a guy whose dad died. I don't care if you're an ax murderer there are just certain times of your life when everybody, including your employer, should cut you some freaking slack.
