Shaq finally did to rap what he did to movies. The latest shocking revelations include:
Shaq has recorded 7 albums worth of rap.
This nauseating tidbit is the WMD of rap. Forget nukes in Iran let's find out where the master tapes are and end this very real threat of ear rape that hangs over our nation.
First and foremost any analysis of this line begins and ends with the mental image of Shaq spreading the ham and Kobe going in tongue first. While there is a certain justice in Shaq metaphorically impaling himself on the once and future NBA king of room service employee abuse. There remains the lifelong collateral damage of us being forced to imagine it. Even radiation poisoning eventually kills you. No such luck here. What's baffling is Shaq included himself in this repugnant scenario. Why not shove Kobe's head in somebody else's Charmin Zone?
"Last week Kobe couldn't do without me."
Well not if you're going to make him taste test you Shaq. What kind of season did Shaq have that leaves him in any way, shape or form triumphant in a comparison of 2008 playoff performance? Shaq is playing like the ghost of Derrick Coleman, a shuffling, creaky echo of his former self.
"I got a vasectomy now I can't breed 'em"
I don't necessarily mourn Shaq's surgical loss of fertility mainly because that's a gene pool so shallow it wouldn't get the soles of your shoes wet but Shaq's groin-o-centric rapping takes too much information to a whole new level of suck. Maybe he went with the snip job because colon polyp is too hard to rhyme.
Patrick Ewing
To top it all off he takes a swipe at Patrick Ewing's lack of a championship ring no doubt a result of a wacky random firing of synapses in his brain. Way to kick a guy in the sack for no good reason.
Stephen A. Smith
Shaq lumbered into damage control releasing a statement to ESPN's Stephen A. Smith. Smith's been shot so deep into ESPN's Phantom Zone it's a wonder Shaq found him. Shaq took a Freudian Slip joyride on his hastily crayoned statement. Telling Smith and critics not to:
"...make something out of nothing."
Shaq is his harshest critic here, but careful analysis of the video shows his rapping doesn't even meet the low standard of nothing.
"I'm totally cool with Kobe. No issue at all."
Yeah but Kobe might not be cool. I don't know about you but the rap doesn't seem very complimentary unless of course orbisculating that particular orifice appeals to you. Shaq went on to say he is:
"...the difference between first and last place"
Once again Shaq cold cocks himself. Simple math, if you have Kobe on your team you're likely to finish in first place. If you have Shaq, say hello to my little friend, --last place.
I remember a time when all you had to do was say Kazaam to make a whole room full of NBA fans alternately snicker and vomit. Shaq was a great player, but acting wasn't his cup of tea, as it turns out rapping isn't his ocean of tea either.
Welcome to all the sports you can cram into a sackful of Mondays. Kobe Gets T-Boned "You shouldn't jump on junior. His dad might carry a grudge against you..." chided the Zenmaster when he played the Daddy card in a post-game presser referring to NBA referee Brian Forte, son of NBA Official Joe who T-Boned Super Kobe after he dropped 21 points and 10 assists on the not so Supersonics. Kobe jibber-jabbered his way off the court for an imagined foul Forte refused to call. LA up thirty-something polished off the future Oklasonics 111-91. Kobe finished the game from the locker room. Dirty Ol' Racetrack NASCAR fans all over the country have the Sprint Cup Series Auto Club 500 flu today as anticipated rain nixed the final 163 laps. They say the 3rd time's the charm but five hours and 2 previous rain delays doomed two-time reigning series champion Jimmie Johnson's attempt to three-peat. The worst culprit? Leaking seams or weepers. Let's zoom in with Junior-vision, "The track's real dirty and guys are just sliding all over the place. It's a dirty ol' racetrack out there." Reed Sorenson, Dale Earnhardt Jr., Casey Mears, Sam Hornish Jr., Joe Nemechek, Elliott Sadler, and Robby Gordon were all involved in accidents or spun out. Where Are They Now? Hockey or Le No! Toronto Maple Leaf Mats Sundin refused to waive his no trade clause which means virtually nothing to 99.9999% of us and only slightly more to the fortunes of the Leafs. Golfinator Destroys Fifth Course Can Mankind be Saved? Meanwhile the entire golf world prostrates itself before the rampaging Tiger (El Tony del Tigre) Woods who turned Golfinator this year breaking four straight tournament scoring records, notching five straight victories worldwide and yet still drives a Buick, the lamest SUV on the market. When asked if he could win them all, the Golfinator processed and flashed this on his plasma golf monitor, "That's my intent, that's why you play. If you don't believe you can win an event, don't show up." Yikes! Somebody call Sara Connor... Say Didn't You Suck in Houston? Finally, Brad Lidge injured himself on his very first pitch in the Grape for those Phillies continuing the low, low standard set last season by Freddy Garcia for wasting the most salary with the least effort by a Phillies pitcher. The cause of his injury? The pitching rubber. Surgery to follow, stay tuned, same Lidge time, same Lidge station, as we follow this breaking down pitcher story.
Welcome to the NBA Christmas. Where we hand out gifts to the deserving and not so deserving. It isn't all coal in the stockings some guys have been very good this year. Santa has a great gift for the Cleveland Cavaliers. It's a LeBronBron. A GPS device that will help all the other guys on the team find the basket. No matter where they are on the court they'll get easy to follow directions to the hoop. Which should help. A lot. Shit####s. No kidding it's painful watching James and Ilgauskas twist in the wind while the rest of the team aspires to 2.1 points per game. The Warriors flat out spanked them yesterday. The fans were booing. Or is that LeBoo-ing? Santa brought Kobe something he'll treasure forever. A book that teaches Kobe how to share the ball and while Kobe should be proud of being the youngest guy to drop 20,000 points breaking Wilt's record (Wilt took 6 years to score 20k, Kobe took 11), he should notice there are four other guys wearing the same color uniform on the court. Bryant tantrum-ed his way into oblivion in LA and scoring a bazillion more points won't get him any closer to a ring if he never learns to pass, ask AI. So Santa found a bigger star to remind Kobe to dish the rock. Elvis. Santa brought a spotlight for Chris Kaman. He's 25 and coming into his own as the scoring threat he was in college. It's catching some NBA scribblers by surprise but not the Fowl Line; we said Napoleon Kaman was Dynamite in 2006. It's a shame he's on the Clippers. This year Kaman's averaging 18.6 PPG, 14 REB, 2.1 ASST, 49% FGP, and 39.1 MIN per game. Makes the next two guys look like money flushed down the toilet. Shaq and Ben Wallace are flat out stealing their paychecks this year. Yeah, we know Wallace has a busted foot that's why Santa brought them both shiny new Wheels for Christmas. God only knows they need them. Usually Shaq can whip his blubber-phonic game into shape by the playoffs but if Wallace were a racehorse he would be mighty nervous anytime an ALPO truck drove by. Santa has a special gift for Stephon Marbury. A smaller wallet. Cause his just got $195,000 lighter. And not because he's been naughty but because the greedy NBA is fining him for leaving the team while grieving the loss of his father. Shame on the NBA, shame on the Knicks for not dropping the fine instantly. Santa is already pissed he lost money because of that crooked referee now they're picking on a guy whose dad died. I don't care if you're an ax murderer there are just certain times of your life when everybody, including your employer, should cut you some freaking slack.
Kobe Bryant, two first names that play basketball really well and the media not so well. Like Punxsutawney Phil he appears annually to signal whether there's 6 more weeks of baseball left and I was there to see his shadow.
My FOXSports editor, the irascible Max Perkins, insinuated I get the interview with Kobe or think about a career in thermal replacement windows since I spent September filing the same story rejected for consisting of a single sentence; "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." I packed my bags, bid a fond farewell to the Overlook and headed for the airport.
Fox tricked me into believing "eco-nomy class" was an environmentally friendly method of travel, next thing you know I'm wedged between a strained-carrot drooling toddler and a pasty mother who kept whining while me and the wee lad traded limericks and shots from each other's bottles.
His mother continued to bleat disapprovingly until I put on the headphones and watched Will Ferrell & Woody Harrelson in "Natural Born Elves" a disturbing in-flight movie where Oliver Stone proves it was Santa's little helper's who killed John F. Kennedy and not Kevin Costner like we all thought after watching JFK. An hour later Fred's Midwest Crop Dusting & Airlines touched down at the El Segundo International Airport & Outlet Mall and spit us out into the Strat-O-Lounge Baggage & Grille.
I checked into the El Segundo Roach Motel, (once again sporting the eco-nomy moniker) and scored a shopping cart full of mini-bar liquor bottles using my Fox Corporate Visa, (which the clerk helpfully billed as toiletries), I shooed the insects off the bedspread and killed as many of the little soldiers as I could before passing out.
The next morning was filled with the all the promise of jet lag and a hangover; I crashed the venue and made a quick call to FOXSports' Dayn Perry.
Me: "How about those Mets? They suck worse than a Seinfeld spin-off." Dayn: "This isn't really me, you're just making this up, but the Mets tanked like Sarah Silverman at the VMA's." Me: "That was just awful and she kept going on and on even after the audience stopped polite golf clapping." Dayn: "And while this still isn't really me, I agree, thanks to dating Jimmy Kimmel she's become the Linda McCartney of comedy." Me: "Wow I was just thinking she was the Yoko Ono..."
Then the Kobe entered the room, after we all finished scraping and bowing he agreed to a series of interviews...luckily I didn't make eye contact but quite a few reporters who didn't read Kobe Bryant for Dummies burst into flames and were quickly reduced to a pile of ash. Here are the notes from my cup of coffee interview with the Lakers greatest ####-et.
Did drinking a big glass of shut the hell up help? "We purposely didn't say anything because we wanted to keep things to ourselves..."
But you were the one blabbing, who else was there? "What did we just say?"
Did you ever apologize to your teammates, staff or management? "There was just too much going on — things get misconstrued."
You were videotaped saying it, what was misconstrued? (Silence)
Are there any bad metaphors you'd like to use? "I'm a soldier. It's not my decision to say whether or not we should fight the war...My focus and my mind has to be on this team. We have an uphill battle."
Wow that was a gruesome sports analogy, perhaps the worst I've ever heard. You shoot baskets not bullets, its a children's game not an armed conflict and quite frankly a downhill battle isn't any picnic either. Well said. "Thanks, that means a lot to me."
It was time for the Lakers to jet to Honolulu so I retired to the local Taco Belch for a heaping order of fish tacos (Tuna del Muerta con Diablo Diarrhea), washed down with equal parts bourbon, iced tea and lemonade, (or a Drunk #### Arnold Palmer as my Aunt Sheila calls them). While I watched the sunset over El Segundo Boulevard and illegal aliens disguised as palm trees paraded by like circus elephants, I wondered if maybe Kobe was misunderstood, so I called Dayn Perry again...
Dayn: "You're making me up again." Me: "No this time I'm pretty sure its the bourbon typing." Dayn: "Hoffman just blew the save and the season for the Padres." Me: "What does that have to do with Kobe?" Dayn: "Beats me I"m not really here."
There you have it, just another day in the life of a sports scribbler, a Don Quixote tilting windmills of sport around the globe. Like all great sports guys I've come up with a column ending slogan,
Game 5 Mav's-Spurs turns rugby scrum. Loose ball brawl. Phantom punch sends Jason Terry to Game 6 penalty box. Stackhouse gets nod. Cuban's blog whines to likely NBA fine. Terry, 2nd leading Mav playoff scorer, will be missed. Keith Van Horn, broken paw, gutless or invisible, you decide. Tim Duncan, All-Godzilla in the series, bricked 12-footer for the W denies he ever used steroids to hit more homeruns. Manu lit the fuse.
Suns up. Clips down. Raja drops the rock. Cassell not crying over spilt milk. BrandCassell-ina continues fifty rocks per game playoff tear . Nash can't buy a three. Marion sprains stitches grabs 20, nets 36. Kaman bites head off Suns chicken, clucks double-double. Tim Thomas needs a timeout and buy Raja Bell lunch for getting him off the hook, tick-tock. NBA Tattler says: Thomas one more example of Billy King's punch-drunk poor decisions as 76ers GM.
Cavs rewrite script. If you peeped the Wiz you know Detroit is LeBron and done. There's a stone in my shoe, the sun is in my eyes Dept: Rasheed Wallace guaranteed to keep mouth shut like his offense for past 2 games. Rip-Llups 32 is not stepping up. NBA Tattler says buh-bye Pistons, why? Zydrunas Ilgauskas you can't beat what you can't spell.
Heat on seat waiting for date to the prom. Riley's hair glad to be back in the hunt. Shaq-cules mortal but ready. Mourning & Wade recharge batteries, de-nag injuries. NBA Tattler says: Pistons or LeBron blows by Shaq and Mourning like they're Carnival Cruise Line furniture.
ile grieving the loss of his father. Shame on the NBA, shame on the Knicks for not dropping the fine instantly. Santa is already pissed he lost money because of that crooked referee now they're picking on a guy whose dad died. I don't care if you're an ax murderer there are just certain times of your life when everybody, including your employer, should cut you some freaking slack.
