It's the night before Christmas for fans of the Senior Circuit with the Philadelphia Phillies facing those Los Angeles Dodgers. While diehard Dodger fans refuse to acknowledge the Dodgers hailing from anywhere but Brooklyn* the fact is the left coast doppelganger ended a two-decade playoff drought besting a franchise carrying its own albatross in the form o####oat, the Cubs, while the Phillies dispatched the Brew Crew in four.
The NLCS showdown features two teams that swept each other four-zip in back to back home stands in August. Since then the Phillies found the afterburners in September flame broiling the NL East with a 16-4 record that left the Mets gasping for air like a fish out of the playoffs. The Dodge em's were no slouch either finishing on a 17-8 run thanks to guys like BoSox castaway Man Ram who picked up the slack after big money free agents like Andruw Jones crashed and burned like Freddie Mac binging on sub-prime mortgage crack...Let's put partisan feelings aside and see what the numbers say...(All Stats courtesy of MLB.com)
The first team listed has the edge, that clever sports buzz word that will make us all vomit from its overuse by the Superbowl...ties are indicated by italics.
The regular season has to count for something. You don't play 162 to warm up. The difference between the two clubs isn't as great as the score shows, but the Phillies manage to outpoint the left coasters since ties don't count except as part of the denominator to score the head to head battle.
Score: Phillies 4-0-1, (4-0-1) Dodgers 0-4-1, (0-4-1) The Season & Splits Edge goes to the Phillies who card a .800 to the Dodgers 0.00
When it comes to the sticks a season's worth of swatting seperates the men from the boys. Both teams have some of the NL's best swatters. While the Dodgers sport Man Ram, the Phillies counter with the three headed monster of Howard, Utley & Rollins. While Ethier, Loney and Furcal look to add some pop to the Dodgers swatting, the Flying Hawaiian Shane Victorino is a bonafide top of the order firestarter the kind Stephen King dreams about and Pat the Bat Burrell still has plenty of pop left in his cannon...Pity the pitchers in this series at CBP...
Season Swatting Dodgers Avg.: .264, 5th in NL Phillies Avg.: .255, 10th in NL Phillies Runs: 791, 3rd in NL Dodgers Runs: 700, 13th in NL Phillies HRs: 212, 1st in NL Dodgers HRs: 137, 13th in NL
Score: Dodgers 4-0-1, (7-8-2) Phillies 0-4-1, (8-7-2) The Swatting Edge goes to the Phillies who card a .470 score to the Dodgers .411 --slight consideration might be given to the Dodgers swatting more effectively in the playoffs in one less game but it should be tempered by the fact the Cubs played like a fainting goat. There's a metaphor the average long suffering Cubbies fan can identify with...
In October the bats go home and the arms stay. While the Dodgers staff made short work of the Cubs, the Phillies staff handed out hits to the Brewers like manhole covers. This should be a series to remember. Cole Hamels and Brett Myers are every bit the one-two punch the Phillies have lacked for the last 2 decades. While the Dodgers have the best staff in the NL this year...while the Dodgers hold the edge in team stats surprisingly the Phillies best them in head to head stats.
Team stats Dodgers Overall ERA: 3.68, 1st in NL Phillies Overall ERA: 3.89, 4th in NL Dodgers Starters ERA: 3.87, 3rd in NL Phillies Starters' ERA: 4.22, 7th in NL Phillies Bullpen ERA: 3.22, 1st in NL Dodgers Bullpen ERA: 3.33, 2nd in NL Dodgers Strikeouts: 1,205, 5th in NL Phillies Strikeouts: 1,081,11th in NL Dodgers HRs allowed: 123, 16th in NL Phillies HRs allowed: 159, 11th in NL Dodgers Opponents' BA: .251, 2nd in NL Phillies Opponents' BA: .260, 8th in NL
Score: Dodgers 5-1-0, (5-1-0) Phillies 1-5-0, (1-5-0) The Dodgers definitely put up the best season stats racking up a .833 score to the Phillies .166...but from here on out it's dogpile on the rabbit in a shocking turnabout...
When you look at the individual scores the Phillies grade out better than the Dodgers with a .454 to the Dodge em's .272...who'd a thunk it?
So if you still have a ranch and a dog the smart money goes over to the Phillies side and here's why. First off the Phillies sticks are solid from 1-8 and with the series starting in Philly it isn't likely the Dodgers will sneak two like they did at Wrigley. Home field advantage is crucial in this series if the Dodgers repeat the trend and get swept in Philly they will have dug a hole too far.
Pitching wise the Phillies staff holds its own and then some. In matching up the staffs the Phillies starters are every bit as effective and more than acclimated to hitter friendly parks and winning on the road. The Phillies take the nod in both road wins and wins at home and that spells trouble for a team that can't go stick for stick. Add to that the Phillies never losing a lead when winning in the ninth inning this season and it's lights out for the Dodgers.
How any responsible scribbler can call it the Dodgers way eludes me but no doubt the Phillies pitching staff will continue to be the Rodney Dangerfield of baseball scribes and get no respect. Besides I have it on good authority the Dodgers are in fact cursed for leaving Brooklyn...*
The Phillies are headed to the NLCS where your's truly is officially in training to cover the World Serious should they best the Los Angeles Whatever's. What does it take to represent FOXSports.com at the highest level of America's pastime? Practice. Scribbling about the Phillies in the NLCS will hone my already inflated ego as well as set FOXSports back at least a couple of hundred bucks and quite a few bottles of Bob's Country Bunker Bourbon.
I have my chops, beer goggles, and cliches packed and Amtrak ticket punched. Since the Phillies will play a couple in LA I'm looking forward to finally meeting my fearless managing editor, whose name eludes me but he's a cross between Foghorn Leghorn and Grantland Rice, if hazy, boozy memories of his hanging up on my alcohol-laced tirades at 3am PST bear any resemblance to reality.
By the Numbers...
Firstly, were Dayn Perry here and trust me he isn't since this fleabag hotel doesn't have cable let alone a respected national sports columnist he would likely point out what I believe is game five of the Phillies-Brewers series is actually a pay-per-view movie involving nubile nymphets using hot oil and tongues in ways I never imagined. But is that really the point? Of course not, the fact is Dayn would no more change the channel than you would and that's the reason why I have the advantage. I'm not afraid to admit facts should never stand in the way of good motel porn.
Secondly, I'm insightful as hell. When Pat Burrell stepped to the plate sporting a goose egg for three 2008 NLDS games played, I recognized he was way overdue to get punched out on a 3rd strike without lifting the bat from his shoulder. Dayn would correctly add Burrell swatted a home run but that's just the bottle talking for Dayn. The real Dayn would actually point out Burrell swatted two sputniks to bury the Brewers like Hoffa. Take that you talking bottle of bourbon.
Thirdly, I hate SABRnomics. No mathy #### from this fella. FOXSports can count on me slinging the metaphors like cheesesteaks at Pat's, which by the way aren't as good as cheesesteaks from Gino's and neither are as good as cheesesteaks from Delassandros in Roxborough on Henry Avenue. Notice how I seamlessly segued into local Philly gourmet dining? That's called versatility and I don't charge extry for it.
Thirdly-and-a-half, when I see something happen during a ballgame I immediately fight the urge to do math and scribble something compelling like "Howard smoked a sizzling foul ball smack dab into a grandmother's forehead behind a first base ballgirl who had the good sense to duck because she, unlike Granny, had something to live for..." Come to think of it, I never use math at all. I'm sure its useful if you're a total spaz.
Fourthly, I'm Philly born and raised so what sounds like Stallone mumbling with a mouthful of marbles speaks volumes to me. Walking up to somebody to do a man in the street interview in Philly is sheer stupidity. Because anyone willing to talk to you is also likely to rob you making it especially dicey if you don't understand the locals or their soft fuzzy mental health clothes.
Fifthly, I'll ask the hard hitting questions FOXSports readers want answered. Not from players mind you but from the broadcast bimbo that infests every major televised sporting event. I'll ask her if she really spent all day coming up with such utterly stupid questions or does someone write them in crayon on a card for her? I also ask if she senses toilets flushing all over the nation whenever they cut to her.
Sixthly, my encyclopedic knowledge of players and teams is uncanny. I'm not good at specifics but I have spotty total recall, like knowing off the top of my head the Phillies beat the Whatever's in the NLCS in 1983, and got jobbed by them once in the 70's by some of the most putrid homer umpiring I've ever seen or smelled.
Finally, nobody is more basebally than me. I have a Gus Triandos baseball card and a plush talking HOF Phillies Broadcaster Harry Kalas head (Thanks Edsel!). I have buckets of integrity, I won't bet on the game using FOXSports credit card no matter how far the line moves or how many bourbon's I've charged, nor will I fudge my expenses, let the midgets and hookers stand up to any corporate scrutiny the bean counters can muster.
So look for me heading to the World Serious on FOXSports dime as soon as the Phillies job the Whatever's in the NLCS because FOXSports can't buy the kind of scribble I leave like rabbit pellets all around me.
Special thanks to Ring Lardner for "World Serious," and I hope his Missus finally got her coat...also Dayn Perry, who continues to scribble some of the best damn baseball articles here and abroad...
In the land of cheese and badgers there's one thing you don't do and that's have drunken sex on top of a mountain of butter.
Only slight worse is being in Wisconsin's marching band where surprisingly dorks have sex when not blatting on their tuba's marching in a formation shaped like a tub of cheddar cheese.
The prickly band director, let's call him Mr. Opus, decided enough was enough and dropped the hammer, or in this case baton, on the 300-Tubby the Tuba's banning them from playing at the nationally televised game between the Badgers (18th) and Ohio State (14th) at Camp Randall Stadium.
For those of you who miss the band just hum "Dum-dum-doo-dum-dum-dum" all through this post and you'll get an eerie sense of déjà vu...what exactly was the definition of is for the Badger's Stumbling Trombones? That's a complicated issue, let's lift the veil, or in this case skirt, of secrecy on what's already being hailed as "Tubagate..."
According to the Associated Press - The University of Wisconsin marching band has been suspended indefinitely while allegations of hazing, alcohol abuse and sexual misconduct are investigated." Let's break it down ESPN GameDay style.
Chet: In 2000 the university established a written code of conduct for the band. Don: By 2008 the most common answer among all band members to the question "Did you know there is a written code of conduct for the band?" was, "Really?" Flip: What about the cheerleaders? Chet: I don't think they play instruments, Flip. Flip: I'm shocked you didn't use the phrase "I'll bet they know how to play the trombone." Chet: Don:
Sex, (for those of you who've safely tucked your college years in the rear view mirror), still consists of pimply liberal arts slackers accosting the parentally perceived purity of your daughters. Usually binge drinking and clever repartee ensues,
"Hey." "Hey." "You wanna?" "Oh, um, I guess." "That was way better than texting on an iphone." "Whatever."
Not a pretty sight.
Do you really think your daughter is immune to smooth talking xylophonists? Take a moment to remember your own drunken-lewd behavior during those college wonder years. Good times. There, feel better? Did You Know? February 2007, Badger band assistant director Michael Lorenz resigns after internal reports criticize his treatment of a female colleague or "Badgerette" during a rowdy band trip in 2006.
Allegations include treasured college memories like semi-nude band members dancing suggestively and reports of women being forced to kiss other women before entering the bathroom on a bus. Real cats marrying dogs stuff as far as I'm concerned.
Breaking News The university confirmed in a statement to the Fowl Line's hard-hitting, award-winning investigative reporter, your's truly, the latest allegations are consistent with the 2006 incident. We're talking double secret probation at a minimum. It also means one other thing. Wipe the steam from my glasses, the latest crop of majorettes are bourbon-fueled hotties.
Let me editorialize here for just a minute, co-eds kissing and dancing semi-nude are an appreciated, and under recent Supreme Court rulings, protected expression of free speech.
I'm sure it's really a case of the bitter prude, Mr. Opus being offended nobody applauded after he paraded up and down the bus in his footie PJ's.
Nowhere in these allegations is the slightest hint participants were any worse for wear after engaging in essentially harmless drunken collegiate hi jinx.
Mr. Opus says he believes the latest allegations breach the band's code of conduct and warrant a swift and significant response.
The Mets season of great expectations included every twist and turn you could hope for, from a cement overcoat for Willie Randolph to Billy Wagner exploding like a knockoff Rolex during the playoff stretch for the second straight season.
Perhaps the greatest aspect of the Baseball Hindenburg, (see "Oh the humanity"), had to be the pundits and commentariat annointing the Mets the once and future king of the NL East all season long.
While the bullpen was a bitter pill for Mets fans to #### it doesn't compare to the crow prognosticators are choking down all over the baseball landscape...
The media clung to the shimmering Camelot of Metstopia so fiercely that even after the 'Politans crashed and burned like Evel Knievel at Snake River Canyonwire service leads dripped with absolute oh-my-gosh shock of the second collapse!
Isn't the real story the blue collar, against all odds, let's play 162, grit and gristle Phillies slugging their way to NL East glory two seasons running?
Ryan Howard spotted the Mets half a freaking season swatting an anemic .234 BA, 28 HR's, and 84 RBI's. He followed with a sparkling 2nd half, a .272 BA, 20 HR's, & 62 RBI's. His strikeouts dropped from 129 in the first half to 70 in the second.
Meanwhile Chase Utley sported a .292 BA, launched 33 HR's, & drove in 104 RBI's. Meanwhile the staff ace, Cole Hamels had no worries posting 14 wins against 10 losses, a razor sharp 3.09 ERA, and notched 196 K's, in 227.3 frames pitched.
David Wright's epitaph says it best; "We failed. We failed as a team...There's no pointing fingers. There's no excuses. We as a unit didn't get the job done."
Dave you're not alone in thinking you ever had a shot at it, let's see if misery loves company...
Let's start by wiping the egg off of ESPN's bucket of useful idiots...let's see, Eric Karabell & Sean McAdam got it right but they must feel awful lonely at the top of this puddle of mugwumps...89.5% of ESPN can't tell the NL East from a pork chop it seems...only 21% of them squeezed a team that has 2 consecutive MVP's into the playoffs as a wild card and a mind boggling 0% gave the Phightins' a chance to make the World Series.
But like the X-Files, ESPN is not alone, let's lift all the other skirts in a lil' game I like to call Criswell Poker...For those of you who don't know or remember who Criswell is, Criswell Predicts, is a great read...(Fowl Line tip o' the cap to John Schlegel, executive editor for the West Divisions for MLB.com for the Criswell hook and compiling these Fearless Fosdick predictions at the start of the 2008 MLB season.
Look I know when we get psychic we end up being more wrong than right it just goes to show, you can add up all the math, pull every SABR rabbit out of the hat and it still doesn't mean a thing until a minimum of 1458 innings unravel beneath the cleats...but it's funny the non-ESPN'ers got it right more often than the haircuts behind the desk and scribble, (28% to 11.5%)...
The Detroit Lambs finally found a role perfectly suited to Matt Millen, Detroit's bumbling Minister of Futility, ex-employee. Millen one of the least astute GM's in the history of the game sat down for a post-partem post-mortem of the wreck of the S.S. Bill Ford.
"Were you surprised it took eight years for Bill Ford to pull his head out of the caviar long enough to spit out "You're fired?"
MM: Let's face it Bill Ford did to football what he did to cars, the Lions are a slew of gas guzzling hogs and there's no oil at the pump.
"In effect you're comparing yourself to a dry well?"
MM: More like the Fiesta, a small econo-box with a vinyl gut and manual tranny trying to win a NASCAR race.
"AC?"
MM: Nope, not even an AM radio.
"What was your proudest accomplishment as a GM?"
MM: No doubt about it.
"No doubt?"
MM: Direct deposit.
"Direct deposit?"
MM: Hated those bank lines, two forms of ID and a fingerprint. Made me feel like a criminal cashing my own paycheck. Direct deposit is the Cadillac of check cashing.
Can you walk us through your last few days as GM?
MM: Very busy, except of course for the whole convenience of direct deposit. That was a real timesaver there. I had toast, eggs and coffee, read the sports section. Always took a nap and then there were those conference calls with Bill.
"What were they like?"
MM: The usual stuff owners like to talk about. Does Al Davis realize his toupee looks like a dead squirrel rotting on his head? Could a barrel of monkees hurling feces at a chart make better draft day choices than we had over the past eight years if so would we use the same monkees every year or should we sell them for medical experiments and get a new barrel of monkees?
Who was you best draft pick as GM?
MM: It's hard to say since they delayed the start of the Large Hadron Collider measuring that small a difference is almost impossible or at the very least wildly impractical and as we've already discussed with the check cashing thing, I pride myself on being practical in small matters.
Well it sounds like you'll be waiting in a line very soon where they treat you like a criminal in Michigan, the unemployment line. Are you looking forward to that?
MM: In Michigan you're never lonely being unemployed. I already filled out an application at Costco and an Arby's near my house and I'm really looking forward to six-months of getting paid to do nothing.
Sports controversy sells and when you bottom line it there's no downside to stirring the upside. Here's all the sports controversy you need and then some. Buckle your sports seatbelt and let's get ready to rumble...
Steroids make sports better, faster, stronger and more enjoyable.
Women can play golf as well as men and Michelle Wie has a bigger set than Sergio Garcia.
White athletes are way better than black athletes and that's a fact.
SABR is to baseball what analyzing brush strokes and colors used is to declaring great art.
The Redeem Team blew it big time when they all didn't take to the podium and give the black power salute commemorating the 40th anniversary of the greatest Olympics protest ever.
The NFL pre-season rocks because we get to figure out what happened to all those guys who didn't get drafted in the first two rounds.
The USA Olympic gymnasts really screwed the pooch by being too old to win.
College football is like watching softcore porn on Cinemax or Showtime they're taking their top off but not much else is going to happen.
Cheating made the Patriots great and they should be allowed to keep cheating because they invented it or at least perfected it.
Black athletes are way better than white athletes and that's a fact.
The Tour De France has a creepy urine fixation and if you have to spend more than half an event whipping it out or examining your zipper it isn't sports it's a porno movie.
Tiger Woods wouldn't be famous if his name was Herb. Nobody cares about guys named Herb in any sport.
Boxing isn't fixed.
Women can't drive on the freeway without checking their makeup or talking on a cellphone. Danica ditch the helmet, go Max Factor on them and prove multi-tasking women are way better drivers than men.
Barry Bonds is baseball and as long as he keeps swatting dingers I don't care if he injects liquefied babies in his butt to do it.
Hispanics are way better athletes than black or white athletes and that's a fact.
Bowling is the outlaw sport they wear crazy shirts.
Brett Favre should be his own team. Nobody can beat the Favre they can only hope to beat the spread.
Steven Seagal and Chuck Norris can't fight to the death because they're both immortal.
Jose Canseco never took steroids.
MMA & UFC is for sissies.
The only two teams worth watching in baseball are the Yankees and the
Red Sox and they should get automatic byes to the World Series.
Pro-wrestling is real the rest of the world is fake. Deal with it.
Real athletes have beer guts.
The Cowboys, Patriots, Lakers, Yankees, and Red Sox suck.
Hooters won't hire a gal with a fake rack.
Orientals are way better athletes than white, black, or hispanic athletes and that's a fact.
The Olympics are cool because every two-years poker has a chance to become an Olympic sport.
NASCAR drivers should be allowed to put anything they want on their gas pedals because faster is better, and rules just slow things down.
Eskimos are way better athletes than white, black, hispanic, or oriental athletes and that's a fact.
The NFL should field an all midget team. They wouldn't win a lot but it would be the best game of the year for most teams. Except of course those teams that got beaten by the midgets. That would really suck. For the regular-sized guys, not the midgets, they'd be cool with it.
Soccer is God's way of gently reminding us we might be retarded.
That's all I got right now so I hope you have some controversy, smack, gibber-jabber, left in you because I'm not afraid to say it and probably have or will...Bring it on!
Defensive Mend Both the Giants and the Redskins have something in common in the NFC East. Stud DE's down for the count. While Fredskin Pro-Bowl DE Jason Taylor is facing two-weeks at not hard labor, Giants Pro-Bowler Osi Umenyiora is gone, baby, gone, aloha, see you later, stick a fork in him done for the season with a torn lateral meniscus. While Taylor's injury won't have much of an impact on the Fred's quest for mediocrity, the Giants are looking small on defensive end. Tom Coughlin's stock is falling like Enron unless FOXSports Michael Strahan needs another swimming pool filled with cash to play one more season.
Shawne of the Dead 3-time Charger Pro-Bowl LB Shawne Merriman saw his torn posterior cruciate ligament and raised himself a a torn lateral collateral ligament in his left knee. Will Shawne pull the pin on 2008 or risk a career ending injury? Stay tuned. Seems like a no-brainer but there's a reason why NFL players don't win Nobel Prizes in science or math. Shawne is still examining his options! Don't hold your breath Norvelous.
Mute Nostril Agony Talk about a long-long season. Last week Bengals Pro-Bowl QB Carson Palmer got turfed five times by the always laughable Detroit Kittens. This week the New Orleans Faints face-planted Carson 3-times in the first-half ending with 32-year old Kevin Kaesviharn safety blitzing Palmer's nose with just 2-ticks left on the tock. This just in--the nose is broken, I repeat the nose is down! T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Chad Johnson are already on the golf cart and two of their backups are hurt. The bad karma from signing Chris Henry is starting. The 2008 Bengals are built over an old Indian burial ground and whatever you do don't bury your pets there...
The Phantom of the Opera Meanwhile organ music continues to waft from tunnels under Foxboro but Patriots Pro-Bowl QB Tom Brady hasn't been seen since New England's stunning loss to Eli Manning and those %$#@!& other guys in Super Bowl XXXXXXXXVVVVVVIIIIIII. Some say it's his right foot. Others say it's his heart. Matt Cassel's no Tom Brady the only thing they have in common is being drafted after the Gatorade Cooler in the 473rd round of the NFL draft. New England tried luring Brady out from under the stadium with his favorite blanket and plush toy to no avail...
That's Kiffin, two i's two f's 4-torn ACL's in 5-seasons spells business as usual for Raiders wideout Drew Carter. Like the X-Files Movie he's not alone wishing 2008 never happened. Fullback Oren O'Neal is likely 2008-gone after suffering a knee injury. The Faders have no depth at either position. Kiffin his #### Goodbye hopes they'll find something salvageable under the final roster cuts rock next week meaning his sputtering offense won't even reach its full pre-season potential of lukewarm until October. When Arizona tunes you up 24-0 in the pre-season it's fold the tables and stack the chairs time.
Does He Own Any Dogs Speaking of bloodbaths, first and last-year Falcons coach Mike Smith announced rookie QB Matt Ryan will be the Atlanta Falcons' starter this season. That's not a typo or an injury unless you consider the blithering stupidity of purposely starting a rookie in the NFL as anything short of lobotomy stupid. Here's a rundown of rookie QB's and their rookie season to dismember, or as I like to think; two brother's and a 'Boy...:Eli Manning, New York Giants: Started seven, lost six. Completed 48.2 percent and nine to the wrong jersey. Peyton Manning, Indianapolis: Started sixteen, lost thirteen. Completed 56.7 percent and tossed 28 inter-fargin-ceptions. Troy Aikman, Dallas: Started eleven games, lost them all, doubled his nine TD passes with 18 pickaroos. Yee-Haw! Hell, Brett Favre went 0-4 passes in his rookie season and his first pass was an interception for a TD. The dumb get dumber in Atlanta and Matt Ryan will look like Houston Texans All World QB Flop David Carr when Atlanta stops burning at the end of this season. The over and under for sacks is 70, smart money's on the over. Wave goodbye to Smith as Atlanta will head in a different direction after the Ryan fiasco.
If you think Pac-Man Jones is the Lindsay Lohan of football think again. Wide receivers are the biggest basket cases in the NFL. From the disgruntled to the dysfunctional dropping the ball is front and center in the NFL. The why is simple, add win at any cost to colossal ego and you get rocket fuel. So light a match, find the fuse, these guys are good to go and ready to launch...
Chris Henry--Cincinnati Bengals This NFL franchise puts felony on the field. The Bengals had ten players arrested in fourteen months. Is it any wonder they have stripes on the uniform? To stand out in this wild bunch takes a special kind of screwball and Chris Henry's the leader of the pack. March of 2008, previously called a one-man crime wave and cancer by a sentencing Judge, Henry caps his three-season reign of terror, including arrests for supplying booze to three underage females, marijuana possession, aggravated assault with a firearm and DUI, by punching a guy and breaking his car window with a beer bottle. Suspended four games this season for a total of fourteen in the last two for violating NFL conduct policies Henry is tossed after his latest fiasco. But the Bengals have their fingers crossed. Sure the Bengals press release posits the changed man Henry is four months later despite Henry's insistence to the contrary. It also shovels a load of steaming redemption but don't buy it. Injuries to the receiving corps force the Bengals to hold their nose and look the other way. Coach Marvin Lewis calls the emperor naked blaming owner Mike Brown for this latest blunder. Repeating the same mistake and expecting a different outcome is the definition of Cincinnati Bengal insanity. If Henry offers you a beer this season make sure it's in a plastic cup... Matt Jones--Jacksonville Jaguars Speaking of plastic cups, they're in Jones future after he found a whole new way to "blow" by defenders. July 10th, 2008, the 2005 1st-round, 21st-pick is arrested for felony possession of a controlled substance. Thank God it isn't steroids but cocaine still carries a pesky 10-year prison sentence and $10,000 fine. Jones' Dad releases this statement, "...Matt was not in possession of any drugs, but that there were drugs in the vehicle and were located in the closest proximity to Matt." Proving the age old adage, parents are clueless about their kid's drug use, contrary to popular belief, cocaine does not spring from car upholstery like toadstools in Florida. So far Jones, a 6'6", 242-pound combine darling, has failed to live up to his speedy over sized potential. The reality? It's hard to get separation from a CB when you have a #### on your back. Chad Johnson--Cincinnati Bengals Bengals fans might as well turn off the lights and call it a season. Ocho Cinco just turned his off-season trade-me tantrum into a sprained left shoulder faster than you can say phantom contractual pain. The five-time Pro-Bowler got the traveling Jones last season despite a mind-boggling $35-million dollar extension in 2006. In April 2008, Ocho reiterated his trade demand and said he wouldn't attend any workouts, drills or meetings. The same month the Bengals turned down a Redskins trade offer of a 2008 first-rounder and a 2009 pick sending a clear message. Not gonna happen. Somebody has to blink first and Cinco Blinko does in June when he attends a mandatory mini-camp after he reads his contract and realizes he has to play to get paid. Hardly a novel concept but a stunning turn of events to the ego our solar system revolves around. If Johnson continues his downward spiral look for this Bengal to turn White Elephant.
Brandon Marshall--Denver Broncos Baby T.O. is one unlucky guy. March 22, 2008, Marshall slips on a McDonalds bag wrestling at home, falls through a television and sustains right forearm lacerations to an artery, vein, nerve, two tendons and three muscles. Fact is this happens all the time. McDonalds bags are tricky ####s and should never be left unattended. Brandon's on-field potential is unlimited provided off-field antics don't tackle him first. January 1, 2007, Marshall leaves a downtown Denver nightclub in a limo with teammates Javon Walker and Darrent Williams. Williams is killed by unknown assailants who riddle the vehicle in a drive-by shooting. March 26, 2007, Marshall's arrested for domestic violence, charges from the incident are dismissed after he completes anger management counseling. October 22, 2007, Marshall's arrested for DUI. Marshall still faces a two-game NFL suspension if convicted in mid-September of 2008. June 12, 2008, Marshall's ticketed for an illegal lane change, driving without his license and proof of insurance. OK that one is chump change but does fit the web of stupidity woven here. According to the Rocky Mountain News, Douglas County deputies answered a dozen calls to Marshall's home since January, 2006 though not all involve him. August 5, 2008, Firmly in Roger Goodell's cross hairs Marshall snags a three-game suspension due to off-field issues. His suspension will be reduced one-game if he goes to counseling and agrees to other unspecified conditions. Bad luck and domestic violence spell an all too familiar bitter end for this fable.
Cheating is the cornerstone of the Olympic dream. In ancient times cheating scandals rocked the 112th, 178th and 226th Olympiads. The lesson learned? As long as you hold Olympics there will be cheating...so take a bow He Kexin, your day in the sun will live forever as you join the worst cheaters in the past 100-years... Boris Onischenko--1976 Montreal Olympics KGB officer Boris Onischenko wins silver medals in 1968 and 1972 for the modern pentathlon that consists of five events; épée fencing, pistol shooting, 200-m freestyle swimming, a show jumping course on horseback, and a 3-km cross-country run. In 1976 fencing opponents complain Boris is scoring without even touching them. Officials confiscate his épée and discover Onischenko rigged the grip so he could electronically trigger the scoring system. Onischenko is disqualified and grips that conceal wires or switches are banned from competition. Ben Johnson--1988 Seoul Olympics Canadian Ben Johnson claims his gold medal 100-meter world record will last fifty or one-hundred years. It doesn't last a day. The Olympic Doping Control Center discovers God isn't Johnson's co-pilot it's anabolic steroids. Johnson, stripped of his medal and banned from competition for two-years protests his innocence. He competes in the next Olympics but receives a lifetime ban in 1993 after failing another steroid test. Stella Walsh--1932 Los Angeles Olympics Walsh wins the gold for Poland in the 100-m dash. After moving to the United States, Walsh sets 20 women's track and field world records, wins 41 AAU titles and in 1975 is inducted into the U.S. Track and Field Hall of Fame. Walsh, an innocent bystander, is killed in a botched robbery. The autopsy reveals Walsh is a great female track star because she is biologically a man. Hans-Gunnar Liljenwall--1968 Mexico City Olympics Swedish modern pentathlete Hans-Gunnar Liljenwall drinks two beers to calm his nerves before the pistol shooting event. Miller time costs his team their bronze medal as Liljenwall becomes the very first athlete in Olympics history disqualified for drug use.
Yelena Berezhnaya and Anton Sikharulidze/Jamie Salé and David Pelletier--2002 Salt Lake City Olympics Canadians Salé and Pelletier end forty years of Russian dominance in pairs figure skating but score silver instead of gold. French judge, Marie-Reine Le Gougne admits afterwards her scoring is a result of pressure from the head of the French skating organization to vote for the Russians as part of a deal to get French skaters in the ice dancing competition a medal. Proving once and for all how cut-throat even the crappiest Olympic non-sports are behind the scenes. After much hand-wringing the IOC upgrades the Canadian medal to gold and sweeps the whole stinking mess under the rug. Dora Ratjen--1936 Berlin Olympics Coerced by the #### Youth, Hermann Ratjen competes as "Dora Ratjen" in the women's high jump. Despite his alleged Aryan superiority Ratjen finishes 4th behind three real women. The hoax remains undiscovered until after World War Two when Ratjen is found working as a waiter preventing the charge of Crimes Against the Olympics from being prosecuted at Nuremberg. Marion Jones--2000 Sydney Olympics Marion does what no female Olympian ever has in track and field--winning three gold and two bronze medals. In 2007 facing Federal prosecution for lying under oath to investigators, Jones admits using banned drugs during the 2000 Olympics. Stripped of all her medals and awards by various track federations, including her Olympic medals, Jones is currently serving a six-month jail sentence for her BALCO perjury and check fraud.
The Spanish intellectually-disabled basketball team--2000 Sydney Paralympics A stellar gold medal performance on the court pales in comparison to revelations 10 of the 12 players are perfectly normal. The medals are returned and three top-ranking Spanish IPC officials resign in disgrace. The scandal forces the The International Paralympic Committee to dump the intellectually disabled category since eligibility is too difficult to establish. Fred Lorz--1904 St. Louis Olympics It's so hot only 14 of 32 starters finish the marathon. Fred beats them handily in 3-hours and 13-minutes by hitching a ride for 11 miles of the race in a car. Rosie Ruiz would be proud. Fred's jalopy-enhanced fraud is discovered shortly before the gold medal ceremony. Banned for life Lorz manages to get the ban lifted in time to compete in the Boston Marathon a year later. Not surprisingly he wins. You have to wonder who gave him a lift. The International Olympic Committee--2002 Salt Lake City Olympics, 1998 Nagano Olympics After losing a bid for the 1998 Olympics to Nagano, Salt Lake City boosters pull out all the stops. IOC members receive more than $1 million in cold hard cash while additional millions buy IOC members real estate, Super Bowl trips, thirteen college scholarships, ski trips and plastic surgery. Can you really put a price on a good nose job? Ten members of the IOC are expelled as a result and ten more sanctioned. A Japanese government investigation uncovers millions of dollars spent on IOC members to secure the Nagano bid including a whopping $4.4 million on entertainment alone. Is it any wonder athletes cheat?
Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins called an air strike in on his own foxhole complaining about Phillies fans booing players. While the mighty-mouth All Star takes aim at fans Rollins apparently forgets it's Phillies owners and management who failed to build one single pitching staff in the past eight-years capable of achieving his off-stated goal of winning a championship. When fans boo-Jimmy listens. Rollins isn't the first player to get his panties wadded by fans booing let's take a walk through that field of dreams I like to call, If Loving You is Wrong I Don't Want to be Right... On May 15, 1912--Peaches Ain't Always Sweet The Detroit Tigers face the hometown New York Highlanders. Behind home plate, Highlanders fan Claude Lueker gives Detroit's Ty Cobb the business and then some. Lueker rides Cobb like a hobby horse every time the Peach bats.
Cobb warns the Highlanders and umpires if Luecker isn't ejected there's going to be hell to pay. When Luecker calls Cobb a "half-(racial epithet used primarily in rap songs)," Cobb takes to the stands and starts viciously beating Luecker. Fans beg Cobb to stop because Lueker has no hands. Cobb without missing a beat, punch or kick replies, "I don't care if he's got no feet!"
May 12, 1991--The Splinter Relents Ted Williams Appreciation Day at Fenway Park, Ted Williams pulls a Red Sox cap from his jacket and tips it to the crowd--the only time he does so in his illustrious career. Williams considers Red Sox fans no better than wolves.
May 17, 1950, after being booed for fielding mistakes Teddy flips Fenway fans the bird three-times. August 7, 1956, after being booed for dropping an easy fly ball Williams spits at Fenway fans and is fined five-thousand dollars. He tells the Boston Herald he has no regrets, "I'd spit again at those booing ####s." Teddy was just warming up. July 23, 1958, after Kansas City fans booed him for not legging out a ground out Williams spits at the fans and earns a $250 dollar fine. Sept. 21, 1958, Upset after popping out, Williams hurls his bat in anger and hits a woman in the head sitting behind Boston's dugout. The hit doesn't count because it isn't an official at-bat. Williams pays a $50 fine.
In a pre-game speech before the final game of his career, Williams says, "I must say my stay in Boston has been the most wonderful thing in my life. If I were ever asked what I would do if I had to start my baseball career over again, I'd say I would want to play in Boston for the greatest owner in the game and the greatest fans in America." A fitting bookend to the quote Williams began his Red Sox career with, Aug. 14, 1940, Williams opines in a Boston newspaper, "I don't like this town. I don't like the people. I want to get out of town, and I'm praying that they trade me." The truth falls somewhere in between. May 11, 2007--Junior goes XXL The Reds face the Dodgers in LA and Dodger fan Matt Schafer starts heckling Ken Griffey Jr. "You suck ... shouldn't you be on the D.L.?... too old for center,...etc." But Junior takes it in stride.
"He was just on me every time I came in...Him being a little larger than normal, I just asked, 'Shouldn't you be wearing a support bra?'" In the sixth inning Griffey sends someone to find the largest brand new jockstrap in the clubhouse. They write the number "3" and "JR" on it, brown paper bag it and Griffey throws the bag to Schafer when he runs back onto the field.
Schafer dumbstruck by the response twirls the jockstrap in the air and the entire section breaks out in laughter--winning Griffey a new fan, Matt Schafer. When Griffey returns to the dugout Schafer apologizes for the things he said.
Bottom of the Ninth So Jimmy ain't the first and won't be the last athlete booed. Fans are what they are down through the ages. How you handle it is a whole 'nother issue...I'm sure all of you have special memories of your favorite ballplayer showing fan love so feel free to drop a dime on them below...special thanks to Ty Cobb for his quick wit.
Jets and the Giants fans at the Meadowlands aren't the only ones facing a league-wide crackdown on bad behavior. The following are excerpts from an email sent by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to all teams.
"Foul or abusive language, obscene gestures and harassment of visiting team fans is still encouraged as long as it is followed by an equally polite "Have a Nice Day...."
"Guests who engage in fighting, throwing objects or attempting to enter the field of play will be immediately ejected except in those cases where their skill level provides enough entertainment value to other fans with examples of Steven Seagal Aikido waddling, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks, causing an opposing team player to wince or crumple to the ground after being struck by a thrown object, or deflecting/intercepting an opposing team's pass before stadium security wrestles them to the ground. Fan interceptions will result in a turnover."
"Fans can text message stadium management of problems but must include, LOL, BRB, or AFK in the body of the message or it will be deleted."
"Under the newly mandated Goodell Alcoholic Equilibrium Doctrine the NFL will enforce a halftime cutoff for alcohol sales and a limit of two drinks at each purchase. This cutoff will occur at the end of the second half. Also the minimum number of alcoholic drinks any fan can order is two."
"Parking lots will open five hours before events instead of seven. If fans can't get blind pig drunk in five hours it isn't likely two more hours will help them. Waking up the next morning and actually remembering the game isn't all it's cracked up to be."
"Fans who wear Jon Bon Jovi mullet wigs will be ejected."
"The small minority of fans decent and mature enough to enjoy the game without getting trashed will be offered complimentary vomit poncho's emblazoned with Roger Goodell's signature, likeness and the NFL logo."
"For those fans used to overdoing it, brightly lit crawl-ways festooned with beer labels will lead them safely out of the stadium. They are strongly encouraged to park in the lots marked by poles topped with kegs."
"Fans disregarding stadium policies will no longer be ejected instead they will be forced to serve a time-out in a room where an endless loop of Roseanne Barr singing the national anthem is shown on big screen TV's."
"Gecko-shaped kiosks will sell "#### protection policies" to fans indemnifying them against injury from drunks falling from the upper decks."
"Navel shots are strictly prohibited unless alcoholic delivery system or belly buttonee can meet the 36-25-32 rule."
"Fans carrying the letter D and a tiny fence will be kicked or stomped to death at the gates."
Imagine my absolute, complete, and utter disgust when I wasted my time clicking on the same headline concerning the USA men's Olympics soccer team. The headline should read Soccer Game Ends in Predictable Tie or Stadium Full of People Lulled to Sleep.
What's the point of an athletic competition where a tie means anything at all? As it transpires the tie means the Netherlands is in a good position to make the quarterfinal round and the USA is teetering on the brink of elimination. What? 2-2, is a wash, a push or a who cares in every other sport.
Winning or losing is the desired outcome in every other athletic endeavor ever invented. When is soccer going to catch on to this exciting reality fraught with endless possibility? 2-2 doesn't stun anybody it might elicit a few yawns perhaps. But stun? Not a chance.
What is certain is anyone who bought a ticket got robbed because the teams were tied at the start and finish of that game. This is like an entire world going nuts for a Little League tee-ball game where no score is kept. I don't get it, I never will. Soccer is the "safe" sport, nothing ever happens and sadly nothing ever will.
In the land of cheese and badgers there's one thing you don't do and that's have drunken sex on top of a mountain of 
Chet:
wn the bus in his 
The Mets season of great expectations included every twist and turn you could hope for, from a cement overcoat for Willie Randolph to Billy Wagner exploding like a knockoff Rolex during the playoff stretch for the second straight season. 
Jayson Stark, ESPN.com, East: Braves ...Peter Gammons, ESPN/ESPN Insider, East: Braves ...Jerry Crasnick, ESPN.com, East: Mets ...Buster Olney, ESPN The Magazine, East: Braves ...Tim Kurkjian, ESPN The Magazine, East: Mets ...Rob Neyer, ESPN Insider, East: Mets ...Steve Phillips, ESPN/ESPN Insider, East: Mets ...Keith Law, ESPN.com/Scouts Inc, East: Mets ...Eric Karabell, ESPN Fantasy, East: Phillies, ...Jorge Arangure Jr., ESPN The Magazine, East: Braves ...Amy Nelson, ESPN.com, East: Braves ...Pedro Gomez, ESPN, East: Braves ...Enrique Rojas, ESPNdeportes.com, East: Mets ...Peter Pascarelli, ESPN, East: Braves ...Bob Klapisch, ESPN.com contributor, East: Mets ...Jonah Keri, ESPN.com contributor, East: Mets ...John Shea, ESPN.com contributor, East: Mets ...Sean McAdam, ESPN.com contributor, East: Phillies, Nate Ravitz, ESPN Fantasy, East: Mets... 
When did the NFL pre-season become Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee? Tuning up's out and tearing up's in. They're dropping like flies and teams are seeing their 2008 season evaporate like Roger Clemen's credibility...this week's NFL Basket Case© is a pre-season bloodbath... 
Both the Giants and the Redskins have something in common in the NFC East. Stud DE's down for the count. While Fredskin Pro-Bowl DE Jason Taylor is facing two-weeks at not hard labor, Giants Pro-Bowler Osi Umenyiora is gone, baby, gone, aloha, see you later, stick a fork in him done for the season with a torn lateral meniscus. While Taylor's injury won't have much of an impact on the Fred's quest for mediocrity, the Giants are looking small on defensive end. Tom Coughlin's stock is falling like Enron unless FOXSports Michael Strahan needs another swimming pool filled with cash to play one more season.
3-time Charger Pro-Bowl LB Shawne Merriman saw his torn posterior cruciate ligament and raised himself a a torn lateral collateral ligament in his left knee. Will Shawne pull the pin on 2008 or risk a career ending injury? Stay tuned. Seems like a no-brainer but there's a reason why NFL players don't win Nobel Prizes in science or math. Shawne is still examining his options! Don't hold your breath Norvelous.
Talk about a long-long season. Last week Bengals Pro-Bowl QB Carson Palmer got turfed five times by the always laughable Detroit Kittens. This week the New Orleans Faints face-planted Carson 3-times in the first-half ending with 32-year old Kevin Kaesviharn safety blitzing Palmer's nose with just 2-ticks left on the tock. This just in--the nose is broken, I repeat the nose is down! T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Chad Johnson are already on the golf cart and two of their backups are hurt. The bad karma from signing Chris Henry is starting. The 2008 Bengals are built over an old Indian burial ground and whatever you do don't bury your pets there...
Meanwhile organ music continues to waft from tunnels under Foxboro but Patriots Pro-Bowl QB Tom Brady hasn't been seen since New England's stunning loss to Eli Manning and those %$#@!& other guys in Super Bowl XXXXXXXXVVVVVVIIIIIII. Some say it's his right foot. Others say it's his heart. Matt Cassel's no Tom Brady the only thing they have in common is being drafted after the Gatorade Cooler in the 473rd round of the NFL draft. New England tried luring Brady out from under the stadium with his favorite blanket and plush toy to no avail...
4-torn ACL's in 5-seasons spells business as usual for Raiders wideout Drew Carter. Like the X-Files Movie he's not alone wishing 2008 never happened. Fullback Oren O'Neal is likely 2008-gone after suffering a knee injury. The Faders have no depth at either position. Kiffin his 
Speaking of bloodbaths, first and last-year Falcons coach Mike Smith announced rookie QB Matt Ryan will be the Atlanta Falcons' starter this season. That's not a typo or an injury unless you consider the blithering stupidity of purposely starting a rookie in the NFL as anything short of lobotomy stupid. Here's a rundown of rookie QB's and their rookie season to dismember, or as I like to think; two brother's and a 'Boy...:Eli Manning, New York Giants: Started seven, lost six. Completed 48.2 percent and nine to the wrong jersey. Peyton Manning, Indianapolis: Started sixteen, lost thirteen. Completed 56.7 percent and tossed 28 inter-fargin-ceptions. Troy Aikman, Dallas: Started eleven games, lost them all, doubled his nine TD passes with 18 pickaroos. Yee-Haw! Hell, Brett Favre went 0-4 passes in his rookie season and his first pass was an interception for a TD. The dumb get dumber in Atlanta and Matt Ryan will look like Houston Texans All World QB Flop David Carr when Atlanta stops burning at the end of this season. The over and under for sacks is 70, smart money's on the over. Wave goodbye to Smith as Atlanta will head in a different direction after the Ryan fiasco.
If you think Pac-Man Jones is the Lindsay Lohan of football think again. Wide receivers are the biggest basket cases in the NFL. From the disgruntled to the dysfunctional dropping the ball is front and center in the NFL. The why is simple, add win at any cost to colossal ego and you get rocket fuel. So light a match, find the fuse, these guys are good to go and ready to launch...
This NFL franchise puts felony on the field. The Bengals had ten players arrested in fourteen months. Is it any wonder they have stripes on the uniform? To stand out in this wild bunch takes a special kind of screwball and Chris Henry's the leader of the pack. March of 2008, previously called a one-man crime wave and cancer by a sentencing Judge, Henry caps his three-season reign of terror, including arrests for supplying booze to three underage females, marijuana possession, aggravated assault with a firearm and DUI, by punching a guy and breaking his car window with a beer bottle. Suspended four games this season for a total of fourteen in the last two for violating NFL conduct policies Henry is tossed after his latest fiasco. But the Bengals have their fingers crossed. Sure the Bengals press release posits the changed man Henry is four months later despite Henry's insistence to the contrary. It also shovels a load of steaming redemption but don't buy it. Injuries to the receiving corps force the Bengals to hold their nose and look the other way. Coach Marvin Lewis calls the emperor naked blaming owner Mike Brown for this latest blunder. Repeating the same mistake and expecting a different outcome is the definition of Cincinnati Bengal insanity. If Henry offers you a beer this season make sure it's in a plastic cup...
Speaking of plastic cups, they're in Jones future after he found a whole new way to "blow" by defenders. July 10th, 2008, the 2005 1st-round, 21st-pick is arrested for felony possession of a controlled substance. Thank God it isn't steroids but cocaine still carries a pesky 10-year prison sentence and $10,000 fine. Jones' Dad releases this statement, "...Matt was not in possession of any drugs, but that there were drugs in the vehicle and were located in the closest proximity to Matt." Proving the age old adage, parents are clueless about their kid's drug use, contrary to popular belief, cocaine does not spring from car upholstery like toadstools in Florida. So far Jones, a 6'6", 242-pound combine darling, has failed to live up to his speedy over sized potential. The reality? It's hard to get separation from a CB when you have a 
Bengals fans might as well turn off the lights and call it a season. Ocho Cinco just turned his off-season trade-me tantrum into a sprained left shoulder faster than you can say phantom contractual pain. The five-time Pro-Bowler got the traveling Jones last season despite a mind-boggling $35-million dollar extension in 2006. In April 2008, Ocho reiterated his trade demand and said he wouldn't attend any workouts, drills or meetings. The same month the Bengals turned down a Redskins trade offer of a 2008 first-rounder and a 2009 pick sending a clear message. Not gonna happen. Somebody has to blink first and Cinco Blinko does in June when he attends a mandatory mini-camp after he reads his contract and realizes he has to play to get paid. Hardly a novel concept but a stunning turn of events to the ego our solar system revolves around. If Johnson continues his downward spiral look for this Bengal to turn White Elephant.
Baby T.O. is one unlucky guy. March 22, 2008, Marshall slips on a McDonalds bag wrestling at home, falls through a television and sustains right forearm lacerations to an artery, vein, nerve, two tendons and three muscles. Fact is this happens all the time. McDonalds bags are tricky 
Cheating is the cornerstone of the Olympic dream. In ancient times cheating scandals rocked the 112th, 178th and 226th Olympiads. The lesson learned? As long as you hold Olympics there will be cheating...so take a bow He Kexin, your day in the sun will live forever as you join the worst cheaters in the past 100-years...
KGB officer Boris Onischenko wins silver medals in 1968 and 1972 for the modern pentathlon that consists of five events; épée fencing, pistol shooting, 200-m freestyle swimming, a show jumping course on horseback, and a 3-km cross-country run. In 1976 fencing opponents complain Boris is scoring without even touching them. Officials confiscate his épée and discover Onischenko rigged the grip so he could electronically trigger the scoring system. Onischenko is disqualified and grips that conceal wires or switches are banned from competition.
Canadian Ben Johnson claims his gold medal 100-meter world record will last fifty or one-hundred years. It doesn't last a day. The Olympic Doping Control Center discovers God isn't Johnson's co-pilot it's anabolic steroids. Johnson, stripped of his medal and banned from competition for two-years protests his innocence. He competes in the next Olympics but receives a lifetime ban in 1993 after failing another steroid test. 
Walsh wins the gold for Poland in the 100-m dash. After moving to the United States, Walsh sets 20 women's track and field world records, wins 41 AAU titles and in 1975 is inducted into the U.S. Track and Field Hall of Fame. Walsh, an innocent bystander, is killed in a botched robbery. The autopsy reveals Walsh is a great female track star because she is biologically a man.
Swedish modern pentathlete Hans-Gunnar Liljenwall drinks two beers to calm his nerves before the pistol shooting event. Miller time costs his team their bronze medal as Liljenwall becomes the very first athlete in Olympics history disqualified for drug use. 
Canadians Salé and Pelletier end forty years of Russian dominance in pairs figure skating but score silver instead of gold. French judge, Marie-Reine Le Gougne admits afterwards her scoring is a result of pressure from the head of the French skating organization to vote for the Russians as part of a deal to get French skaters in the ice dancing competition a medal. Proving once and for all how cut-throat even the crappiest Olympic non-sports are behind the scenes. After much hand-wringing the IOC upgrades the Canadian medal to gold and sweeps the whole stinking mess under the rug.
Coerced by the 
Marion does what no female Olympian ever has in track and field--winning three gold and two bronze medals. In 2007 facing Federal prosecution for lying under oath to investigators, Jones admits using banned drugs during the 2000 Olympics. Stripped of all her medals and awards by various track federations, including her Olympic medals, Jones is currently serving a six-month jail sentence for her BALCO perjury and check fraud.
A stellar gold medal performance on the court pales in comparison to revelations 10 of the 12 players are perfectly normal. The medals are returned and three top-ranking Spanish IPC officials resign in disgrace. The scandal forces the The International Paralympic Committee to dump the intellectually disabled category since eligibility is too difficult to establish. 
It's so hot only 14 of 32 starters finish the marathon. Fred beats them handily in 3-hours and 13-minutes by hitching a ride for 11 miles of the race in a car. Rosie Ruiz would be proud. Fred's jalopy-enhanced fraud is discovered shortly before the gold medal ceremony. Banned for life Lorz manages to get the ban lifted in time to compete in the Boston Marathon a year later. Not surprisingly he wins. You have to wonder who gave him a lift.
After losing a bid for the 1998 Olympics to Nagano, Salt Lake City boosters pull out all the stops. IOC members receive more than $1 million in cold hard cash while additional millions buy IOC members real estate, Super Bowl trips, thirteen college scholarships, ski trips and plastic surgery. Can you really put a price on a good nose job? Ten members of the IOC are expelled as a result and ten more sanctioned. A Japanese government investigation uncovers millions of dollars spent on IOC members to secure the Nagano bid including a whopping $4.4 million on entertainment alone. Is it any wonder athletes cheat? 
Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins called an air strike in on his own foxhole complaining about Phillies fans booing players. While the mighty-mouth All Star takes aim at fans Rollins apparently forgets it's Phillies owners and management who failed to build one single pitching staff in the past eight-years capable of achieving his off-stated goal of winning a championship. When fans boo-Jimmy listens. Rollins isn't the first player to get his panties wadded by fans booing let's take a walk through that field of dreams I like to call, If Loving You is Wrong I Don't Want to be Right...
