Defensive Mend Both the Giants and the Redskins have something in common in the NFC East. Stud DE's down for the count. While Fredskin Pro-Bowl DE Jason Taylor is facing two-weeks at not hard labor, Giants Pro-Bowler Osi Umenyiora is gone, baby, gone, aloha, see you later, stick a fork in him done for the season with a torn lateral meniscus. While Taylor's injury won't have much of an impact on the Fred's quest for mediocrity, the Giants are looking small on defensive end. Tom Coughlin's stock is falling like Enron unless FOXSports Michael Strahan needs another swimming pool filled with cash to play one more season.
Shawne of the Dead 3-time Charger Pro-Bowl LB Shawne Merriman saw his torn posterior cruciate ligament and raised himself a a torn lateral collateral ligament in his left knee. Will Shawne pull the pin on 2008 or risk a career ending injury? Stay tuned. Seems like a no-brainer but there's a reason why NFL players don't win Nobel Prizes in science or math. Shawne is still examining his options! Don't hold your breath Norvelous.
Mute Nostril Agony Talk about a long-long season. Last week Bengals Pro-Bowl QB Carson Palmer got turfed five times by the always laughable Detroit Kittens. This week the New Orleans Faints face-planted Carson 3-times in the first-half ending with 32-year old Kevin Kaesviharn safety blitzing Palmer's nose with just 2-ticks left on the tock. This just in--the nose is broken, I repeat the nose is down! T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Chad Johnson are already on the golf cart and two of their backups are hurt. The bad karma from signing Chris Henry is starting. The 2008 Bengals are built over an old Indian burial ground and whatever you do don't bury your pets there...
The Phantom of the Opera Meanwhile organ music continues to waft from tunnels under Foxboro but Patriots Pro-Bowl QB Tom Brady hasn't been seen since New England's stunning loss to Eli Manning and those %$#@!& other guys in Super Bowl XXXXXXXXVVVVVVIIIIIII. Some say it's his right foot. Others say it's his heart. Matt Cassel's no Tom Brady the only thing they have in common is being drafted after the Gatorade Cooler in the 473rd round of the NFL draft. New England tried luring Brady out from under the stadium with his favorite blanket and plush toy to no avail...
That's Kiffin, two i's two f's 4-torn ACL's in 5-seasons spells business as usual for Raiders wideout Drew Carter. Like the X-Files Movie he's not alone wishing 2008 never happened. Fullback Oren O'Neal is likely 2008-gone after suffering a knee injury. The Faders have no depth at either position. Kiffin his #### Goodbye hopes they'll find something salvageable under the final roster cuts rock next week meaning his sputtering offense won't even reach its full pre-season potential of lukewarm until October. When Arizona tunes you up 24-0 in the pre-season it's fold the tables and stack the chairs time.
Does He Own Any Dogs Speaking of bloodbaths, first and last-year Falcons coach Mike Smith announced rookie QB Matt Ryan will be the Atlanta Falcons' starter this season. That's not a typo or an injury unless you consider the blithering stupidity of purposely starting a rookie in the NFL as anything short of lobotomy stupid. Here's a rundown of rookie QB's and their rookie season to dismember, or as I like to think; two brother's and a 'Boy...:Eli Manning, New York Giants: Started seven, lost six. Completed 48.2 percent and nine to the wrong jersey. Peyton Manning, Indianapolis: Started sixteen, lost thirteen. Completed 56.7 percent and tossed 28 inter-fargin-ceptions. Troy Aikman, Dallas: Started eleven games, lost them all, doubled his nine TD passes with 18 pickaroos. Yee-Haw! Hell, Brett Favre went 0-4 passes in his rookie season and his first pass was an interception for a TD. The dumb get dumber in Atlanta and Matt Ryan will look like Houston Texans All World QB Flop David Carr when Atlanta stops burning at the end of this season. The over and under for sacks is 70, smart money's on the over. Wave goodbye to Smith as Atlanta will head in a different direction after the Ryan fiasco.
If you think Pac-Man Jones is the Lindsay Lohan of football think again. Wide receivers are the biggest basket cases in the NFL. From the disgruntled to the dysfunctional dropping the ball is front and center in the NFL. The why is simple, add win at any cost to colossal ego and you get rocket fuel. So light a match, find the fuse, these guys are good to go and ready to launch...
Chris Henry--Cincinnati Bengals This NFL franchise puts felony on the field. The Bengals had ten players arrested in fourteen months. Is it any wonder they have stripes on the uniform? To stand out in this wild bunch takes a special kind of screwball and Chris Henry's the leader of the pack. March of 2008, previously called a one-man crime wave and cancer by a sentencing Judge, Henry caps his three-season reign of terror, including arrests for supplying booze to three underage females, marijuana possession, aggravated assault with a firearm and DUI, by punching a guy and breaking his car window with a beer bottle. Suspended four games this season for a total of fourteen in the last two for violating NFL conduct policies Henry is tossed after his latest fiasco. But the Bengals have their fingers crossed. Sure the Bengals press release posits the changed man Henry is four months later despite Henry's insistence to the contrary. It also shovels a load of steaming redemption but don't buy it. Injuries to the receiving corps force the Bengals to hold their nose and look the other way. Coach Marvin Lewis calls the emperor naked blaming owner Mike Brown for this latest blunder. Repeating the same mistake and expecting a different outcome is the definition of Cincinnati Bengal insanity. If Henry offers you a beer this season make sure it's in a plastic cup... Matt Jones--Jacksonville Jaguars Speaking of plastic cups, they're in Jones future after he found a whole new way to "blow" by defenders. July 10th, 2008, the 2005 1st-round, 21st-pick is arrested for felony possession of a controlled substance. Thank God it isn't steroids but cocaine still carries a pesky 10-year prison sentence and $10,000 fine. Jones' Dad releases this statement, "...Matt was not in possession of any drugs, but that there were drugs in the vehicle and were located in the closest proximity to Matt." Proving the age old adage, parents are clueless about their kid's drug use, contrary to popular belief, cocaine does not spring from car upholstery like toadstools in Florida. So far Jones, a 6'6", 242-pound combine darling, has failed to live up to his speedy over sized potential. The reality? It's hard to get separation from a CB when you have a #### on your back. Chad Johnson--Cincinnati Bengals Bengals fans might as well turn off the lights and call it a season. Ocho Cinco just turned his off-season trade-me tantrum into a sprained left shoulder faster than you can say phantom contractual pain. The five-time Pro-Bowler got the traveling Jones last season despite a mind-boggling $35-million dollar extension in 2006. In April 2008, Ocho reiterated his trade demand and said he wouldn't attend any workouts, drills or meetings. The same month the Bengals turned down a Redskins trade offer of a 2008 first-rounder and a 2009 pick sending a clear message. Not gonna happen. Somebody has to blink first and Cinco Blinko does in June when he attends a mandatory mini-camp after he reads his contract and realizes he has to play to get paid. Hardly a novel concept but a stunning turn of events to the ego our solar system revolves around. If Johnson continues his downward spiral look for this Bengal to turn White Elephant.
Brandon Marshall--Denver Broncos Baby T.O. is one unlucky guy. March 22, 2008, Marshall slips on a McDonalds bag wrestling at home, falls through a television and sustains right forearm lacerations to an artery, vein, nerve, two tendons and three muscles. Fact is this happens all the time. McDonalds bags are tricky ####s and should never be left unattended. Brandon's on-field potential is unlimited provided off-field antics don't tackle him first. January 1, 2007, Marshall leaves a downtown Denver nightclub in a limo with teammates Javon Walker and Darrent Williams. Williams is killed by unknown assailants who riddle the vehicle in a drive-by shooting. March 26, 2007, Marshall's arrested for domestic violence, charges from the incident are dismissed after he completes anger management counseling. October 22, 2007, Marshall's arrested for DUI. Marshall still faces a two-game NFL suspension if convicted in mid-September of 2008. June 12, 2008, Marshall's ticketed for an illegal lane change, driving without his license and proof of insurance. OK that one is chump change but does fit the web of stupidity woven here. According to the Rocky Mountain News, Douglas County deputies answered a dozen calls to Marshall's home since January, 2006 though not all involve him. August 5, 2008, Firmly in Roger Goodell's cross hairs Marshall snags a three-game suspension due to off-field issues. His suspension will be reduced one-game if he goes to counseling and agrees to other unspecified conditions. Bad luck and domestic violence spell an all too familiar bitter end for this fable.
According to the Associated Press a Denver man wants the city to be prepared for space aliens and proposes a commission to deal with the matter. 54-year-old Jeff Peckman says an 18-member commission would form a strategy "...dealing with issues related to the presence of extraterrestrial beings on Earth." Surprisingly Peckman is still short of the 4,000 signatures needed to put the matter on next November's ballot.
LeBron James After bricking an 8 for 42 against the Celtics in their first two playoff games clearly he's been replaced by a clone from a galaxy far, far, away. Unable to get very good reception because of the whole change to digital broadcasting in 2009, his home planet, THX1138 only had reruns of a Kwame Brown highlight reel to base his basketball skills on. The LeBron clone slipped up after the Celtics loss when he said, "Being down 0-2, that's a tough hole to dig yourself out of. But if we want to win the series we've got to do it, even if we have to vaporize Garnett, Allen and Pierce."
The White Sox I don't know what solar system thinks men "stacking their bats" in front of a blow up doll isn't #### but it sure as hell isn't this one. And when you get right down to it there couldn't have been one single human in that locker room or he would have said as much in disgust.
Bill Belichick Come on. Who doesn't think he's an alien? The hoodie sweatshirt to hide the antennae sticking out of the back of his head? The robot stare? Spygate? Belichick was recently overheard talking to Roger Goodell when he said, "I knew I should have just caught the other team's coordinators in the tunnels and sucked their brains out with a straw." Richie Sexson Has also been absorbed by the alien collective. There's no way the human Richie Sexson would charge the mound after a pitch had been thrown at him yesterday. The human Sexson would already be on the DL this late in the season.
Dennis Rodman A gimme, confirmed by MIB and still thinks he can play basketball in the NBA. What would you expect from a guy who calls Solaxiant 9 home?
There are others who walk among us on the fields of green and hardwood floors of our hometowns. You might even know a few or suspect. This is the place and time to take a stand before all of sports is overrun and the only thing from earth is the bat or the ball.
When did the NFL pre-season become Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee? Tuning up's out and tearing up's in. They're dropping like flies and teams are seeing their 2008 season evaporate like Roger Clemen's credibility...this week's NFL Basket Case© is a pre-season bloodbath... 
Both the Giants and the Redskins have something in common in the NFC East. Stud DE's down for the count. While Fredskin Pro-Bowl DE Jason Taylor is facing two-weeks at not hard labor, Giants Pro-Bowler Osi Umenyiora is gone, baby, gone, aloha, see you later, stick a fork in him done for the season with a torn lateral meniscus. While Taylor's injury won't have much of an impact on the Fred's quest for mediocrity, the Giants are looking small on defensive end. Tom Coughlin's stock is falling like Enron unless FOXSports Michael Strahan needs another swimming pool filled with cash to play one more season.
3-time Charger Pro-Bowl LB Shawne Merriman saw his torn posterior cruciate ligament and raised himself a a torn lateral collateral ligament in his left knee. Will Shawne pull the pin on 2008 or risk a career ending injury? Stay tuned. Seems like a no-brainer but there's a reason why NFL players don't win Nobel Prizes in science or math. Shawne is still examining his options! Don't hold your breath Norvelous.
Talk about a long-long season. Last week Bengals Pro-Bowl QB Carson Palmer got turfed five times by the always laughable Detroit Kittens. This week the New Orleans Faints face-planted Carson 3-times in the first-half ending with 32-year old Kevin Kaesviharn safety blitzing Palmer's nose with just 2-ticks left on the tock. This just in--the nose is broken, I repeat the nose is down! T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Chad Johnson are already on the golf cart and two of their backups are hurt. The bad karma from signing Chris Henry is starting. The 2008 Bengals are built over an old Indian burial ground and whatever you do don't bury your pets there...
Meanwhile organ music continues to waft from tunnels under Foxboro but Patriots Pro-Bowl QB Tom Brady hasn't been seen since New England's stunning loss to Eli Manning and those %$#@!& other guys in Super Bowl XXXXXXXXVVVVVVIIIIIII. Some say it's his right foot. Others say it's his heart. Matt Cassel's no Tom Brady the only thing they have in common is being drafted after the Gatorade Cooler in the 473rd round of the NFL draft. New England tried luring Brady out from under the stadium with his favorite blanket and plush toy to no avail...
4-torn ACL's in 5-seasons spells business as usual for Raiders wideout Drew Carter. Like the X-Files Movie he's not alone wishing 2008 never happened. Fullback Oren O'Neal is likely 2008-gone after suffering a knee injury. The Faders have no depth at either position. Kiffin his 
Speaking of bloodbaths, first and last-year Falcons coach Mike Smith announced rookie QB Matt Ryan will be the Atlanta Falcons' starter this season. That's not a typo or an injury unless you consider the blithering stupidity of purposely starting a rookie in the NFL as anything short of lobotomy stupid. Here's a rundown of rookie QB's and their rookie season to dismember, or as I like to think; two brother's and a 'Boy...:Eli Manning, New York Giants: Started seven, lost six. Completed 48.2 percent and nine to the wrong jersey. Peyton Manning, Indianapolis: Started sixteen, lost thirteen. Completed 56.7 percent and tossed 28 inter-fargin-ceptions. Troy Aikman, Dallas: Started eleven games, lost them all, doubled his nine TD passes with 18 pickaroos. Yee-Haw! Hell, Brett Favre went 0-4 passes in his rookie season and his first pass was an interception for a TD. The dumb get dumber in Atlanta and Matt Ryan will look like Houston Texans All World QB Flop David Carr when Atlanta stops burning at the end of this season. The over and under for sacks is 70, smart money's on the over. Wave goodbye to Smith as Atlanta will head in a different direction after the Ryan fiasco.
If you think Pac-Man Jones is the Lindsay Lohan of football think again. Wide receivers are the biggest basket cases in the NFL. From the disgruntled to the dysfunctional dropping the ball is front and center in the NFL. The why is simple, add win at any cost to colossal ego and you get rocket fuel. So light a match, find the fuse, these guys are good to go and ready to launch...
This NFL franchise puts felony on the field. The Bengals had ten players arrested in fourteen months. Is it any wonder they have stripes on the uniform? To stand out in this wild bunch takes a special kind of screwball and Chris Henry's the leader of the pack. March of 2008, previously called a one-man crime wave and cancer by a sentencing Judge, Henry caps his three-season reign of terror, including arrests for supplying booze to three underage females, marijuana possession, aggravated assault with a firearm and DUI, by punching a guy and breaking his car window with a beer bottle. Suspended four games this season for a total of fourteen in the last two for violating NFL conduct policies Henry is tossed after his latest fiasco. But the Bengals have their fingers crossed. Sure the Bengals press release posits the changed man Henry is four months later despite Henry's insistence to the contrary. It also shovels a load of steaming redemption but don't buy it. Injuries to the receiving corps force the Bengals to hold their nose and look the other way. Coach Marvin Lewis calls the emperor naked blaming owner Mike Brown for this latest blunder. Repeating the same mistake and expecting a different outcome is the definition of Cincinnati Bengal insanity. If Henry offers you a beer this season make sure it's in a plastic cup...
Speaking of plastic cups, they're in Jones future after he found a whole new way to "blow" by defenders. July 10th, 2008, the 2005 1st-round, 21st-pick is arrested for felony possession of a controlled substance. Thank God it isn't steroids but cocaine still carries a pesky 10-year prison sentence and $10,000 fine. Jones' Dad releases this statement, "...Matt was not in possession of any drugs, but that there were drugs in the vehicle and were located in the closest proximity to Matt." Proving the age old adage, parents are clueless about their kid's drug use, contrary to popular belief, cocaine does not spring from car upholstery like toadstools in Florida. So far Jones, a 6'6", 242-pound combine darling, has failed to live up to his speedy over sized potential. The reality? It's hard to get separation from a CB when you have a 
Bengals fans might as well turn off the lights and call it a season. Ocho Cinco just turned his off-season trade-me tantrum into a sprained left shoulder faster than you can say phantom contractual pain. The five-time Pro-Bowler got the traveling Jones last season despite a mind-boggling $35-million dollar extension in 2006. In April 2008, Ocho reiterated his trade demand and said he wouldn't attend any workouts, drills or meetings. The same month the Bengals turned down a Redskins trade offer of a 2008 first-rounder and a 2009 pick sending a clear message. Not gonna happen. Somebody has to blink first and Cinco Blinko does in June when he attends a mandatory mini-camp after he reads his contract and realizes he has to play to get paid. Hardly a novel concept but a stunning turn of events to the ego our solar system revolves around. If Johnson continues his downward spiral look for this Bengal to turn White Elephant.
Baby T.O. is one unlucky guy. March 22, 2008, Marshall slips on a McDonalds bag wrestling at home, falls through a television and sustains right forearm lacerations to an artery, vein, nerve, two tendons and three muscles. Fact is this happens all the time. McDonalds bags are tricky 
