If you think Pac-Man Jones is the Lindsay Lohan of football think again. Wide receivers are the biggest basket cases in the NFL. From the disgruntled to the dysfunctional dropping the ball is front and center in the NFL. The why is simple, add win at any cost to colossal ego and you get rocket fuel. So light a match, find the fuse, these guys are good to go and ready to launch...


Chris Henry--Cincinnati Bengals
This NFL franchise puts felony on the field. The Bengals had ten players arrested in fourteen months. Is it any wonder they have stripes on the uniform? To stand out in this wild bunch takes a special kind of screwball and Chris Henry's the leader of the pack. March of 2008, previously called a one-man crime wave and cancer by a sentencing Judge, Henry caps his three-season reign of terror, including arrests for supplying booze to three underage females, marijuana possession, aggravated assault with a firearm and DUI, by punching a guy and breaking his car window with a beer bottle. Suspended four games this season for a total of fourteen in the last two for violating NFL conduct policies Henry is tossed after his latest fiasco. But the Bengals have their fingers crossed. Sure the Bengals press release posits the changed man Henry is four months later despite Henry's insistence to the contrary. It also shovels a load of steaming redemption but don't buy it. Injuries to the receiving corps force the Bengals to hold their nose and look the other way. Coach Marvin Lewis calls the emperor naked blaming owner Mike Brown for this latest blunder. Repeating the same mistake and expecting a different outcome is the definition of Cincinnati Bengal insanity. If Henry offers you a beer this season make sure it's in a plastic cup...

Matt Jones--Jacksonville Jaguars
Speaking of plastic cups, they're in Jones future after he found a whole new way to "blow" by defenders. July 10th, 2008, the 2005 1st-round, 21st-pick is arrested for felony possession of a controlled substance. Thank God it isn't steroids but cocaine still carries a pesky 10-year prison sentence and $10,000 fine. Jones' Dad releases this statement, "...Matt was not in possession of any drugs, but that there were drugs in the vehicle and were located in the closest proximity to Matt." Proving the age old adage, parents are clueless about their kid's drug use, contrary to popular belief, cocaine does not spring from car upholstery like toadstools in Florida. So far Jones, a 6'6", 242-pound combine darling, has failed to live up to his speedy over sized potential. The reality? It's hard to get separation from a CB when you have a #### on your back.

Chad Johnson--Cincinnati Bengals
Bengals fans might as well turn off the lights and call it a season. Ocho Cinco just turned his off-season trade-me tantrum into a sprained left shoulder faster than you can say phantom contractual pain. The five-time Pro-Bowler got the traveling Jones last season despite a mind-boggling $35-million dollar extension in 2006. In April 2008, Ocho reiterated his trade demand and said he wouldn't attend any workouts, drills or meetings. The same month the Bengals turned down a Redskins trade offer of a 2008 first-rounder and a 2009 pick sending a clear message. Not gonna happen. Somebody has to blink first and Cinco Blinko does in June when he attends a mandatory mini-camp after he reads his contract and realizes he has to play to get paid. Hardly a novel concept but a stunning turn of events to the ego our solar system revolves around. If Johnson continues his downward spiral look for this Bengal to turn White Elephant.

Brandon Marshall--Denver Broncos
Baby T.O. is one unlucky guy. March 22, 2008, Marshall slips on a McDonalds bag wrestling at home, falls through a television and sustains right forearm lacerations to an artery, vein, nerve, two tendons and three muscles. Fact is this happens all the time. McDonalds bags are tricky ####s and should never be left unattended. Brandon's on-field potential is unlimited provided off-field antics don't tackle him first. January 1, 2007, Marshall leaves a downtown Denver nightclub in a limo with teammates Javon Walker and Darrent Williams. Williams is killed by unknown assailants who riddle the vehicle in a drive-by shooting. March 26, 2007, Marshall's arrested for domestic violence, charges from the incident are dismissed after he completes anger management counseling. October 22, 2007, Marshall's arrested for DUI. Marshall still faces a two-game NFL suspension if convicted in mid-September of 2008. June 12, 2008, Marshall's ticketed for an illegal lane change, driving without his license and proof of insurance. OK that one is chump change but does fit the web of stupidity woven here. According to the Rocky Mountain News, Douglas County deputies answered a dozen calls to Marshall's home since January, 2006 though not all involve him. August 5, 2008, Firmly in Roger Goodell's cross hairs Marshall snags a three-game suspension due to off-field issues. His suspension will be reduced one-game if he goes to counseling and agrees to other unspecified conditions. Bad luck and domestic violence spell an all too familiar bitter end for this fable.

According to the Associated Press a Denver man wants the city to be prepared for space aliens and proposes a commission to deal with the matter.  54-year-old Jeff Peckman says an 18-member commission would form a strategy "...dealing with issues related to the presence of extraterrestrial beings on Earth."  Surprisingly Peckman is still short of the 4,000 signatures needed to put the matter on next November's ballot.

Sooner or later he'll find those signatures and when he does it could spell trouble for certain professional athletes who might very well be extraterrestrial for a variety of reasons like:

Chad Johnson
Unfamiliar with the earthly concept contracts are binding and one with four years remaining even more so, this wacky alien put his Chicken McNuggets© in a vise and told Bengals coach Marvin Lewis to squeeze as hard as he can.  Lewis not only squeezed he added this bit of advice to our confused football player from the planet Claude, "You cannot allow a player to get up on his high chair with four years left on his contract and demand to get out."

LeBron James
After bricking an 8 for 42 against the Celtics in their first two playoff games clearly he's been replaced by a clone from a galaxy far, far, away.  Unable to get very good reception because of the whole change to digital broadcasting in 2009, his home planet, THX1138 only had reruns of a Kwame Brown highlight reel to base his basketball skills on.  The LeBron clone slipped up after the Celtics loss when he said, "Being down 0-2, that's a tough hole to dig yourself out of. But if we want to win the series we've got to do it, even if we have to vaporize Garnett, Allen and Pierce."

The White Sox  
I don't know what solar system thinks men "stacking their bats" in front of a blow up doll isn't #### but it sure as hell isn't this one.  And when you get right down to it there couldn't have been one single human in that locker room or he would have said as much in disgust.

Bill Belichick
Come on.  Who doesn't think he's an alien?  The hoodie sweatshirt to hide the antennae sticking out of the back of his head?  The robot stare?  Spygate?  Belichick was recently overheard talking to Roger Goodell when he said, "I knew I should have just caught the other team's coordinators in the tunnels and sucked their brains out with a straw."

Richie Sexson
Has also been absorbed by the alien collective.  There's no way the human Richie Sexson would charge the mound after a pitch had been thrown at him yesterday.  The human Sexson would already be on the DL this late in the season.    

Dennis Rodman
A gimme, confirmed by MIB and still thinks he can play basketball in the NBA.  What would you expect from a guy who calls Solaxiant 9 home?

There are others who walk among us on the fields of green and hardwood floors of our hometowns.  You might even know a few or suspect.  This is the place and time to take a stand before all of sports is overrun and the only thing from earth is the bat or the ball.

The End???