Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins called an air strike in on his own foxhole complaining about Phillies fans booing players. While the mighty-mouth All Star takes aim at fans Rollins apparently forgets it's Phillies owners and management who failed to build one single pitching staff in the past eight-years capable of achieving his off-stated goal of winning a championship. When fans boo-Jimmy listens. Rollins isn't the first player to get his panties wadded by fans booing let's take a walk through that field of dreams I like to call, If Loving You is Wrong I Don't Want to be Right...

On May 15, 1912--Peaches Ain't Always Sweet
The Detroit Tigers face the hometown New York Highlanders. Behind home plate, Highlanders fan Claude Lueker gives Detroit's Ty Cobb the business and then some. Lueker rides Cobb like a hobby horse every time the Peach bats.

Cobb warns the Highlanders and umpires if Luecker isn't ejected there's going to be hell to pay. When Luecker calls Cobb a "half-(racial epithet used primarily in rap songs)," Cobb takes to the stands and starts viciously beating Luecker. Fans beg Cobb to stop because Lueker has no hands. Cobb without missing a beat, punch or kick replies, "I don't care if he's got no feet!"

May 12, 1991--The Splinter Relents
Ted Williams Appreciation Day at Fenway Park, Ted Williams pulls a Red Sox cap from his jacket and tips it to the crowd--the only time he does so in his illustrious career. Williams considers Red Sox fans no better than wolves.

May 17, 1950, after being booed for fielding mistakes Teddy flips Fenway fans the bird three-times. August 7, 1956, after being booed for dropping an easy fly ball Williams spits at Fenway fans and is fined five-thousand dollars. He tells the Boston Herald he has no regrets, "I'd spit again at those booing ####s." Teddy was just warming up. July 23, 1958, after Kansas City fans booed him for not legging out a ground out Williams spits at the fans and earns a $250 dollar fine. Sept. 21, 1958, Upset after popping out, Williams hurls his bat in anger and hits a woman in the head sitting behind Boston's dugout. The hit doesn't count because it isn't an official at-bat. Williams pays a $50 fine.

In a pre-game speech before the final game of his career, Williams says, "I must say my stay in Boston has been the most wonderful thing in my life. If I were ever asked what I would do if I had to start my baseball career over again, I'd say I would want to play in Boston for the greatest owner in the game and the greatest fans in America." A fitting bookend to the quote Williams began his Red Sox career with, Aug. 14, 1940, Williams opines in a Boston newspaper, "I don't like this town. I don't like the people. I want to get out of town, and I'm praying that they trade me." The truth falls somewhere in between.

May 11, 2007--Junior goes XXL
The Reds face the Dodgers in LA and Dodger fan Matt Schafer starts heckling Ken Griffey Jr. "You suck ... shouldn't you be on the D.L.?... too old for center,...etc." But Junior takes it in stride.

"He was just on me every time I came in...Him being a little larger than normal, I just asked, 'Shouldn't you be wearing a support bra?'" In the sixth inning Griffey sends someone to find the largest brand new jockstrap in the clubhouse. They write the number "3" and "JR" on it, brown paper bag it and Griffey throws the bag to Schafer when he runs back onto the field.

Schafer dumbstruck by the response twirls the jockstrap in the air and the entire section breaks out in laughter--winning Griffey a new fan, Matt Schafer. When Griffey returns to the dugout Schafer apologizes for the things he said.

Bottom of the Ninth
So Jimmy ain't the first and won't be the last athlete booed. Fans are what they are down through the ages. How you handle it is a whole 'nother issue...I'm sure all of you have special memories of your favorite ballplayer showing fan love so feel free to drop a dime on them below...special thanks to Ty Cobb for his quick wit.

Manny's playing in the NL for LA and here's the DL...
Manny needs to step up his game and I ain't talking baseball. LA will chew him up like a pretty girl from Des Moines stepping of####reyhound bus with stars in her eyes...lucky for him I have just the thing--Hollywood for Dummies...

When You Wish Upon a Starlet...
Manny it's no secret Hollywood is ground zero for the hottest women found outside of Miami Beach but there are rules. The right starlet will set you on the path to glory quicker than you can say Joltin' Joe & Marylin Monroe, (...forget her though, she's deader than Steven Seagal's career).

You need somebody so young she makes Miley Cyrus look like Wilford Brimley and make sure she's an absolute train wreck. The more addictions the better her press value--bulimia, anorexia, pills, booze or multiple DUI's. Think Lindsay and Brittney rolled into one.

She should shock even the most jaded by not only being too young but so emaciated she makes a swizzle stick look like Oprah after a two-month IHOP bender. Think Olson Twins, (...but they're a million years old now so stay away from them even if it's the one that didn't get Lanced).

Manny's Baby Mama Drama
Choose wisely Manny because the next step is crucial. You need to knock her up faster than Wesley Snipe's films go straight to DVD. Nothing says super-duper-star like selling your baby's pics to People magazine.

Have a Cause...
Forget PETA Manny, vegans, and the environment too. Scientology's already jumped the couch. You need a brand new Manny-worthy cause like Manny's Foundation where you work with privileged kids who have everything and want so much more.

Charity means a million photo-ops while you press the flesh with the LA glitteratti. Poor underprivileged kids get all the attention anyway. Guess what? There's still like a million of them. Forget those stinking losers. You want to work with winners. Because you're a winner. Winners don't stay winners helping losers.

The Environment...
Nothing says star power like going green but face it Manny you can't be Manny in a tiny car. Drive a bold statement that says I'm willing to wreck the environment and fix it at the same time. How about a hybrid Hummer? Sure it guzzles gas by the square inch but as long as you insist the clock works off a solar panel you'll dodge an inconvenient truth.

Scandals...
Nothing says you've arrived like your first scandal but face it Manny drug overdoses, and DUI's, are so yesterday. You need a Manny-tacious disaster. The kind that requires press conferences, Nancy Grace denouncing you nightly on CNN, and speaking about yourself in the 3rd-person.

Wearing a shirt that says "Manny Played for Boston and All He Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" is a good 3rd-person start but the smart play might be entering rehab without any addictions whatsoever. Now that's just plain Manny-sized crazy.

Tell the world you want to take twelve-extra steps even if it means battling normality one day at a time for the rest of your life. Repeat after me, "Dr. Phil, my name is Manny and I've been clean and sober my whole life..."

Fans...
Don't bother spitting on them or giving them the finger Manny. They really don't care. They're at the game to be seen and not by you. They don't even know what the rules of baseball are. The average LA celebrity fan thinks you just scored a touchdown. So deal with it Manny. You're $7-million dollar window dressing to the stars.

Alyssa Milano...
Forget about her Manny. Milano's hag city, the ultimate baseball groupie. She'll mount your head on a plaque above her fireplace faster than Tony Danza's talk show got canceled.  Besides she's in her thirties which is like a kagillion in Hollywood years. It would be like French-kissing your Granny.

Baseball...
Fight the urge to use Paris Hilton as a bat, I know, I know, it would be funny hearing her squeak every time you foul one off but the press loves her and her pocket rat.

The biggest, fastest, and possibly dumbest creature to roam the earth since dinosaurs is professional baseball and like dinosaurs baseball's inevitable extinction is just as predictable. What pushes a sport to the brink of doom? Let's examine how baseball illustrates a disturbing fact; the age of the sports dinosaur is drawing to a bitter and sudden close.

Baseball. Why did it resonate for so long? Why was it cherished for almost 150 years? Why does it seem so hollow and phony now? You have to go back to the beginning to see why the end of professional baseball is near.

Baseball isn't just the national pastime it is the national pastime and for good reason. Baseball was incubated in the civil war and afterwards became the panacea that healed a divided nation. Baseball was bigger in all aspects than we can imagine today, it held the promise of spring, the struggle of summer and the decay and finality of fall so perfectly in balance it's hard to imagine life without it.

The rhythms and pace are as perfect as the diamond it's played upon. It's the great equalizer. There is a profound truth to its demands. The ball, the bat, the glove, the dimensions immutably played across nine innings, three outs, and a box score that sings the game across time. Brandeis said, sports is truth because once it was reduced to a box score there were no interpretations, no gray areas just the game as it was played forever fixed in the amber of Linotype.

The earliest professional teams rose and fell like summer corn. The players an amalgam of college graduates, drunks, and shifty characters were every bit as dodgy as the grifters and con men that owned the clubs. There was no privilege between the lines that mattered save your baseball pedigree. It didn't matter that Rube Waddell was mad as a hatter and twice as childlike, on the mound he was un-hittable and just as likely to chase a fire engine, as he was to strike out the side. His manager, Connie Mack, for fear he would disappear on a bender, doled his salary out a few bucks at a time.

Race played no part in the beginning it wasn't until Hall of Famer Cap Anson, a de####able racist, led a cabal that drove Black players from the game in the late 1800's and then like a Shakespearian tragedy it took the man who saved baseball Judge Landis to maintain that prejudice until his death when Branch Rickey and Jackie Robinson shattered that vile barrier six decades later. But don't get all misty-eyed.

The Negro League in its day was the 3rd largest black owned and operated business, and cornerstone of the Black community, their players were every bit the equal of any major league player. Robinson may have broken the barrier but the barrier fell directly on top of the Negro League. Nor were the Dodgers all that racially smart or advanced. To maintain a quota system that suppressed black players in the majors after Robinson and Larry Doby broke the color barrier they lost Roberto Clemente to the Pirates in the Rule 5 draft because they already had their quota filled on the Dodgers roster. But none of this is news to any real baseball fan.

Baseball stars in every era were considered family heirlooms passed on from father to son, each adding his own layer. It was a legacy and a trust. But all that began to change in the 1970's. It isn't fair to blame baseball for the changing environment of sports or even society. Nevertheless baseball withstood much change without the bedrock shifting. But like a Brontosaurus or a T-Rex seeing the meteor cross the sky that would kill them it didn't understand its time was over.

Baseball has spilled more ink than any other sport. It has a lyricism that attracts great writers to scribble great things. But suddenly newspapers faced their own extinction. Great dailies fell all across the country, as cable supplanted print media and now sports, once the favorite section of the daily paper, was a click away for an increasingly lazy and entertainment jaded public. Baseball a sport that thrived because it was the only affordable entertainment for the poor and middle class saw it's impact and place dwindle as the price of tickets pushed aside all but the deepest corporate pockets.

Family owned teams sold out to corporations who care only about the bottom line. Media companies bought teams for programming and chucked them into the hungry maw of 24-hour sports channels without understanding or caring about tradition. Baseball became another commodity measured in ratings. Like earth inverting underneath a flood ravaged dike, tradition washed and whirled away and by the time of the last real commissioner, Fay Vincent, the only thing owners cared about was whacking up billions in profits and everything else be damned.

Over expansion, fueled by a lust for the billions it brought current owners in entry fees, diluted the quality of the players, to compensate the mound was lowered until pitchers could barely pitch six injury free innings a game over an entire season even on 5 days rest. Under the greedy and clearly dumbest commissioner, Bud Selig, owner by proxy of the Milwaukee Brewers, major league baseball extorted new stadiums from taxpayers and then priced them out of attending. Attendance still rose as corporate box seats and the wealthy supplanted the dopes that paid for the stadium and ratings rose like a bubble until an unlikely pin, steroids, popped it.

Steroids are the genie let out of the bottle of real fan discontent. Players like Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds put a real face on a problem created, fostered and supported by MLB, owners, and teams. Baseball was all a lie. The thing we cherished and grew up with was gone. Replaced by a shimmering Vegas resort mirage. When fan outrage finally brick walled the mealy-mouthed Selig he tried to whitewash it with the Mitchell Report. But nobody was biting. With each new revelation, an ugly truth was left flopping and gasping for air like a fish made out of raw sewage.

Look at the baseball landscape today. There are only two teams, the Yankees and the Red Sox and $100 million dollars in salary behind them is every other team. Sure they don't win the World Series every season, but most. It isn't even a league it's like Batman and Superman fighting to the death with the rest of the Justice League happily sucking mocha lattes at a Starbucks.

The other teams are content to grab the TV cash and act as a feeder system. But the sport no longer resonates. It no longer captures the heart, mind and soul of our nation. There isn't a single player that isn't playing under the su####ion of performance enhancing drugs. Their personal lives are displayed like a colonoscopy so any hope of them ever being a hero to a small child is unlikely and finally when you do go to a ballpark, they fiscally rape you so hard it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

Baseball should look at hockey and figure it out. Once a sport stops resonating, canceling a season or signing the wrong TV contract, makes it very easy for Americans to simply walk away. Right now baseball is kicking dirt over that cliff. Baseball will reap what it sows. Fans unfortunately inherit the wind.

The Phillies attempted to curse the New York Mets yesterday burying ace hurler Johan Santana behind a concession stand at Citizens Bank Ballpark.  The Phillies took their cue from a construction worker who buried a David Ortiz Red Sox jersey, (dubbed Hex Shirt), in the new Yankee ballpark to curse the Yankees.  The Phillies went one step further burying an actual player.

"I was eeting breakfasts burrito when banditos keecked ze door in and I was keednaps," commented a perplexed Santana before being buried under two-feet of Portland reinforced cement.
                    
Excited fans crowded around the site jostling for a better view as Phillies owner William "Cheap" Giles and General Manager Pat Gillick pressed their hand prints into the quick drying cement.  Giles in a prepared statement said, "We hope this brings the Mets as much bad luck as possible while preserving the good natured rivalry we enjoy."  Santana's reply was a cryptic, "Blurb, blurb, blurb."

Mets executives were understandably outraged.  "We intend to file an immediate grievance with the Commissioner's Office we strongly condemn this practice and seek the return of our ace," said Farleigh "Skip" Mellon, Mets VP of Marketing.  "Anytime you innovate there are bound to be fuddy duddy's who disagree," replied Ruben Amaro Jr. Phillies Asst. GM.
         
Meanwhile MLB Commissioner Bud Selig fresh from his triumphant announcement reversing tepid punishments doled out during his steroid whitewash was reluctant to comment.  "Can they do that?"  Selig asked before being hustled away to attend the American Pharmaceutical Association Banquet where he is accepting an award for Lifetime Excellence in Promoting Pharmacopoeia in the Workplace.
          
In related news, United Local Building and Trades Council 903 threw up picket lines around the Santana burial site protesting the use of undocumented day laborers to dig the hole and pour the cement.  Local President Faffy "####" Ionini had this to say, "The use of non-union scabs to construct this site is shocking as well as distressing on many levels."  When asked if the Local would interfere with Santana being dug up at Selig's order Ionini replied between bulging mouthfuls of greasy cheese steak, "Who the @%#! is that @#&hole?"   

When the Boston Red Sox raised the baseball promotion ante giving school children touring Fenway Park baseball caps made out of raw hamburger even they couldn't imagine how wildly successful it would be.
             
Sponsored by the Greater Mass Beef Council and the Audubon Wildlife Society the hats are part of Bud Selig's mandate to integrate MLB corporate sponsors, ecology awareness and America's pastime.
            
Like clockwork a red-tailed hawk swooped in to the screaming delight of 13-year old Alexa Rodriguez and snatched the hat off her head. The hawk nest is located near the press box to maximize photo ops during games. Bud Selig issued this press release, "It's a win-win for MLB, business, the environment, and the fans…The success of the Fenway red-tail hawk promotion bodes well for rolling this out at other parks utilizing different birds of prey to maximize the educational potential."
          
Thaxter Smootwinny, spokesman for the GMBC had this to say, "Too often beef is seen as a mouth-watering slab sitting beautifully grilled and garnished on a plate and this demonstrates it can be so much more." Indeed.
        
Sheila Wharte-Hogg of the Audubon Wildlife Society remarked, "It was touch and go, would starving a red-tailed hawk for a week sufficiently motivate it to attack a hat made out of ground beef?" Wildlife experts and MLB executives were concerned the hawk could have just as easily gone after a hot dog or nacho and spoil the promotion.
       
Animal trainer and wildlife expert Rod Rudaway pointed out Rodriguez wouldn't have suffered scalp lacerations had she worn the hat brim forward instead of backwards. But there were no hard feelings since she also won a free "Virtual Ambulance" ride and a tour of a hospital at no extra charge.
       
Red Sox spokesperson Pete Useless chimed in, "The girl is fine, we've been in touch with her and the tour group and they're excited about next year's visit. Not to spill the beans...let's just say Pork Jersey"

Ken Rosenthal reports on FOXSports.com that Curt Schilling's new BoSox contract contains a clause that gives Schilling "...a $1 million bonus if he receives a single Cy Young vote."

But it doesn't end there, the Fowl Line managed to get a copy of Schilling's deal and oh what a doozy. Some of the clauses are simply incredible...

— a $1 million bonus if he discovers the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa, dead or alive.

— a $1 million bonus if he performs a nationally televised alien autopsy at Roswell, New Mexico or Area 51.

— a $1 million bonus if he wins American Idol singing any song by Celine Dion.

— a $1 million bonus if he receives one electoral vote in 2008.

— a $1 million bonus if he just shuts the hell up during the season.

— a $1 million bonus if he sucks his gut in walking to or from the mound in 60% or more of his starts.

— a $1 million bonus if he doesn't write an open letter to Barry Bonds in his blog.

— a $1 million bonus if he discovers a new planet in our solar system.

— a $1 million bonus if he uses John Mellencamp's "This is Our Country" as his stadium entrance theme music and nobody in the stands vomits during the regular season.

— a $1 million bonus if he tears open his shirt on the mound during the AL Playoffs and is wearing BoSox pasties.

The Associated Press reports the Celtics are trying to lure Reggie Miller out of retirement. Not surprising when you consider all the other teams trying the exact same thing:

The Boston Red Sox are trying to lure the cryogenically frozen head of Ted Williams out of retirement. "I've never felt better" said the Splendid Splinter "Though critics will find fault with my lack of a torso or limbs I expect to draw a lot of walks as well as hit .400..." Meanwhile Bud Selig issued this statement "The Commissioner will take this matter under advisement on a head by head basis. For example it is unlikely the White Sox will be able to sign the head of Shoeless Joe Jackson because the lifetime ban does not cease at death."

The Dallas Cowboys are trying to lure running back Herschel Walker out of retirement so they can trade him to the Minnesota Vikings for 5 roster players, and 6 assorted draft picks (3 conditional 1st round picks, 2 conditional 2nd round picks; and conditional 3rd). Dallas owner Jerry Jones said in a press release he believes the Vikings are only "One running back away from the Super Bowl."

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays are trying to lure the Chicago Bulls legend Michael Jordan out of retirement. Andrew Friedman, Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays said "Mike's .202 lifetime minor league average, 88 hits, 17 doubles, and 51 RBI's make him a natural to bat cleanup besides our bathrooms are a lot cleaner than the AA Birmingham Baron's ever were." The Rays in sole possession of the worst record in Major League Baseball deny this is simply a crass marketing gimmick.

The Philadelphia 76ers are one year and several million dollars away from inking deceased HOF basketball player Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain to a three year deal. A confidential source close to the negotiations says Wilt is adamant they provide him with a "groovy bachelor pad." Another sticking point? Leopard print circular waterbed spreads are harder to get than they were in the 1960's.

The Washington Capitols are trying to lure Philadelphia Flyers two time Stanley Cup enforcer extraordinaire Dave "The Hammer" Schultz out of retirement said vice president and general manager George McPhee. "He's lost a step or two out on the ice but he'll still hit you hard enough snot bubbles will come out of your nose." Schultz, 58, said he was "...pretty sure most of these Euro-sissies wouldn't hit back."

The Memphis Grizzlies open the 2007-08 NBA regular season on Halloween night and don't be surprised when retired center Olden Polynice turns out to be Olden Polynice. Currently coaching the ABA Long Beach Breakers Olden, 44, is the perfect fit for the cash starved Grizzlies. NBA legend Jerry West, who is the team’s president of basketball operations said "We couldn't afford a WNBA replica jersey under the cap and Olden's been with so many teams he has to remember something about the game besides he says the ABA arena's smell funny." Olden said he would rather play for a contender like the Bucks, Celtics, or Sixers but if this was the best offer then he was ready to sign at any number over his current salary of $250 a week plus room, board and an aisle seat on the Breakers team bus.

Look for this trend to continue as player salaries skyrocket and fans expectations plummet. There are other deals out there. If you've heard anything about them, drop a dime below:

The Phillies bats woke up this afternoon brutalizing the Boston Red Sox after two humiliating home losses in a row.  But the big story on Action News tonight is:

A-Gonz A-Gone!!!
UnHappy Camper Alex Gonzalez Pulls Pin on Phillies 3-Headed 3rd Sacker Experiment
Gonzalez Driving Home To Fla. After Calling it Quits

"He's been a regular and it has been a difficult transition for him.  It's important to be happy and I don't think for the last couple months he's been a happy camper."
Pat Gillick after one of his beloved alumni free agents self-imploded.

13 seasons in the majors ended with a thud for Alex Gonzalez, swatting an embarrassing .111 in his first year with the Phillies.  Gonzalez signed to a $750k contract as part of a ridiculous stockpiling of aging 3rd sackers that included Abraham Nunez as Plan B & C for the oft-injured slumpmeister David Bell. 
So far Bell's responded by putting up decent numbers in his swan song season with the Phillies.
Who did the Phillies call up?  The Natural, Chris Coste, that's who!  Batting a tepid .177 with 2 boxes of waffles and 14 RBI's for AAA affiliate, Scranton/Wilkes Barre. 
Funny thing is, Chris couldn't make the team with a .463 batting average, 3 HR's and 11 RBI's in the Grape!  Huh?  He'll back up catcher Carlos Ruiz while Fasano's out on a foul tip injury as well as clock time at 3rd sack and left field.
Coste's importance to the team might be greater as a good luck charm than anything else.   The 23-20 Phillies had their best spring training record in the Grape in a long time with Coste. 
Coste joined the team for today's game and the top of the order responded with a combined 8 for 12 outing, scoring 6 of the Phillies 10 runs. 
Jimmy Rollins yesterday's goat-de-jour was 2-for-4, Bobby Abreu went 3 for 3, with a triple and a 3 run sputnik, and red hot Chase Utley raised his average to .309 swatting 3 out of 5.
Home Run Howard  sputniked his 14th of the season leaving him 676 shy of the Babe. 
Shane Victorino went 2 for 5 with a stiff drink and David Dellucci pinch swatted a triple in his only AB.  Cory Lidle evened up at 4-4 on the season. 
The slumping Phils broke a five game swoon beating those Boston Beaneaters 10-5.

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