Let’s all light up and get ready for the final round of Pothead Prognostications. Oh yeah, I know, almost every prediction I made has been completely wrong, but am I going stand here crying about it like David Hasselhoff listening to Taylor Hicks? No sir, not me. So here I am offering my really, really, really serious final round of Pothead Prognostications. Let me just pack up the bowl here and . . . (cough, cough) . . . without further ado here’s my predictions of how the game will unfold and who will take home the coveted Guy Lombardo trophy.
SUPER BOWL XLI
The score was still tied 14 all as the teams retreated to their locker rooms and the Super Bowl Halftime Spectacular was about to get under way. The explosion of fireworks overhead shook Dolphin Stadium as Prince, who used be known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince but is now just Prince again, sashayed to the main stage and ripped into a smokin’ rendition of his classic tune “Kiss” as the throngs of fans roared in approval.
Prince finished the song then announced a special guest was going to sing “Let’s Get Crazy” with him, when Justin Timberlake bounded to the stage and hugged Prince mightily. As the dainty duo twirled around dancing and singing to the delight of fans, disaster suddenly struck. In an incident that eerily resembled the infamous Janet Jackson “Nipplegate” fiasco of Super Bowl 38 in 2004, Timberlake grabbed Prince’s leather codpiece and gave it a yank, exposing his wiener for the world to see.
Prince just kept going with the song oblivious to the fact that his #### was flopping about to and fro, but Justin surely noticed it and stood there staring at it like a #### watching a Pokeman cartoon. Timberlake then dropped to his knees in front of Prince and went to grab his junk when a visibly drunk Britney Spears, who was closely followed by a visibly drunk Paris Hilton and a visibly drunk Lindsey Lohann, jumped on the stage yelling out “I always loved you Justin. Kevin was just a sperm donor. Please, take me back. Please!” as tears streamed down her face. Timberlake looked at the polluted pop tart in disgust and rose to his feet then got right in her faced and screamed “You stupid sloppy hillbilly! Get the hell away from me! I told you a thousand times already, you were nothing but a beard! You and your slutbag friends should just go take a freakin’ hike!” Britney looked at him like a confused puppy and whimpered “You mean you don’t like me?” Justin threw his hands in the air. “Like you? Like you? Don’t you get it ####? You know why we never had sex while we were going out? It’s because I’m a fruit! I’m a ####! I’m like Lance Bass! I’m ####, dammit!”
The dim bulb in Britney’s empty head flickered a bit as her eyes welled up with tears. “I knew I should of hooked up with Joey Fatone instead of you” she wailed as she ran from the stage. But her escape was derailed when she tripped over the bass players cord and hit the stage floor hard, ####ing her head and leaving her laying there unconscious with her skirt hiked up so her panty-less coochie was exposed on national TV. Justin quickly returned to the matter of Prince’s wiener. Prince was in the throngs of a blistering guitar solo and was still completely oblivious to the craziness unfolding on the stage but snapped out of it when Justin grabbed his rod. “What the hell are you doing?” the shocked Prince gasped. Justin just smiled and licked his lips, “I’m bringing the sexy back, you purple pansy.”
As the wispy worm wrestler went to inhale Prince’s tool, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell ran onto the stage and kicked Timberlake in the head then stomped on it like the Tennessee Titans Albert Haynesworth. Goodell grabbed the microphone, “What the hell is wrong with you freakin’ MTV people? This is supposed to be family entertainment! Good, clean, fun family entertainment! Not some goddam immoral perverted sex show, you degenerate punks!”
Suddenly comedian Michael Richards from “Seinfeld” flopped onto the stage and grabbed the mic from Goodell and began a racist rant, stating “It’s these freakin’ (insert #### here) and the jive-#### hip-hop garbage (insert #### here) music they listen too that are ruining society for all us decent people! And by decent I mean white people not (insert #### here)! Let’s send these stupid, spear chucking (insert #### here) back to Africa!” As Prince, Goodell, Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohann (who were still both visibly drunk) and 70,000 plus fans stared in disbelief, Kramer continued his hateful hatemongering comedy routine, but would quickly realize that ticking off two (insert #### here) hecklers in an all white comedy club is not as bad as ticking off a large amount of very large, professional NFL (insert #### here). Kramer was still spewing his racist rhetoric when he was surrounded by all the (insert #### here) who play for the Bears and Colts and pummeled for several moments until he resembled nothing more than the jelly stain on former Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev’s head.
As the (insert #### here) players stomped repeatedly on Kramer, Prince noticed the still unconscious Britney Spears laying on the floor with her tookie hanging out and exclaimed “Damn, my pops told me never let a white broad go to waste.” And he hopped on top and began to hammer away at Britney’s dirty clam. Seeing this as another photo-op, Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohann stumbled over and squealed in unison, “Hey, what about us?” as they plopped down next to Britney and hiked up their skirts to reveal their coochies. Prince’s eyes lit up, and he said “Wow, I haven’t had this much white #### since the eighties!” and proceeded to bop all three bimbos.
Pandemonium now encompassed the entire stadium as the (insert #### here) players from both teams kept stomping on the stain formerly known as Kramer, while Prince, who was now joined by Goodell, valiantly railed the visibly drunk, dirty clams of Britney, Paris and Lindsey and Prince’s back-up band kept on playing “1999”. Amidst all the shenanigans, the little girl from the HDTV commercials showed up on the stage with her pet elephant to tell the world about the mirrors, but she was inadvertently kicked in the stomach by the Bears Adewale Ogunleye as he and the other NFL (insert #### here) were still wilding on Kramer.
The little girl hit the floor hard and began crying then yelled out “Ungowa” at the top of her lungs which caused her elephant to start rampaging throughout the stadium, pausing only to take a huge dump on the Super Bowl XLI logo at midfield. People were running wild through the stadium and complete chaos ensued. All of a sudden, a deranged fan ran onto the stage, grabbed the mike and yelled out “This sucks! We want cool rock and roll music like Dashboard Confessional and Ben Folds Five!” before he dashed off and began scattering his dead dog’s ashes across the field.
Football players, coaches, referees, fans, singers, musicians, roadies, cheerleaders, cameramen, sideline reporters, marching band members and the elephant were all going wild, brawling with one another, cursing each other out and singing that stupid John Melloncamp “This Is My Country” song to the point of extreme annoyance. By this time, the Army Reserve, the Florida State Militia, the Metro Miami Riot Squad and several members of the Florida Panthers had arrived and surrounded the stadium hoping to restore order. But as they stormed into the stadium they were overcome by the combination of toxic fumes emanating from the dirty stink holes of the visibly drunk #### trio of Britney, Paris and Lindsey. The dizzy soldiers were soon overtaken by the kids participating in the halftime Punt, Pass & Kick competition and the Bears Tank Johnson who took their weapons and began firing potshots at hot dog vendors.
President Bush was informed of the rapidly deteriorating situation that was unfolding at Super Bowl XLI. So he quickly hopped into action and jumped aboard US1 and flew away to the safety of his ranch in Texas to play golf. With Big #### Cheney now in charge, he ordered the Navy to fire a Trident Missile from the nuclear submarine USS Coney Island Whitefish that was stationed off the coast of Cuba. His orders were to level the entire city of Miami once and for all. “There ain’t that many Americans there anyway, and the ones who are there are probably ####. Now fire that damn missile, sailor, and get rid of that craphole of a city for good!” he screamed on the Hot Phone.
The Intercontinental Ballistic Missile blasted from the sub and ripped through the murky depths of the Atlantic before piercing the evening sky. Some fans who saw its launch on the big screen cheered thinking it was part of the show. But as it blew off its first stage and began its deadly descent to Earth, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer appeared on the big screen at the stadium and told everyone the news of their imminent death. The panic enveloping Dolphin Stadium came to a stand still as everyone realized what has happened and knew it would be over soon.
All hope was now gone, when suddenly, the little HDTV girl pulled herself up off the floor of the stage and removed a small box she had tucked in her dress. The little HDTV girl opened up the box to reveal a super bright beam of light that reached to the moon with its luminosity. The fans “ooohed and aaahed” over the pretty light coming out of the small box as she grabbed the thick ankles of Britney, who was still knocked out, and dragged her to the middle of the stage and positioned Ms. Spears’ stanky slit just so.
The nuclear warhead that was coming down to obliterate the Super Bowl crowd was seconds away from impact and destroying it’s intended target, when the little HDTV girl shined the light at the missile and guided it to land right in Britney’s crack where it was swallowed up and exploded harmlessly. Britney then woke up and said, “Oh dang, I must of gone and got myself pregnant again.” And she waddled off to find a place to take a dump. The place went wild with unbridled joy and everyone hugged each other and cried tears of relief. The little HDTV girl then smugly told the fans “You see? I told you jack-offs, it’s the mirrors.” She then jumped on her pet elephant’s back and rode off into the cool Miami night.
Oh, and then the game resumed and the Colts beat the Bears 28 to 23. What a game!
Since there is no football this week to offer my most misguided prognostications about, I will instead offer to the dozen or so inhabitants of the Fox blogging world my completely irrelevant and useless Pothead Pontifications. So with out further ado, here we go with . . . uummm . . . uh, what was I saying? Oh yeah. Just let me hit this . . . cough, cough . . . so without anymore ado of any kind here we go with my Pothead Pontifications for 2007.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
Most females will never understand how most guys have no problem spending an entire day watching either football, porno or the Three Stooges, yet get as fidgety as a squirrel in a trap when they have to spend more than 10 minutes either shopping or at a kids birthday party. The reason why is because men think that stuff sucks and the only really important things in life to real men is football, porno and the Three Stooges. I know, I know, there are many women out there who enjoy football, porno and the Stooges, but I’ve never met a woman who can spend an entire day watching nothing but one of them without running to the DVD collection to grab “Grey’s Anatomy – Season 1” after about three hours.
ME, A RACIST? WHY I NEVER!
The sports media is one of the most hypocritical entities in the world today and loves to divide human beings into racial categories on a continuous basis while proclaiming to be this diverse, happy rainbow of unity and harmony. Here’s an example – The New York Giants hired a new GM this year and although I cannot tell you the mans name I can tell you that he is black and is just the third African American male that has obtained that position in the NFL. I may be burnt but I’m sure that I could have determined that he is a black male on my own when I saw his picture. Instead, the sports media repeatedly qualified this man as “Only The Third African American To Become A General Manager In The NFL”. See where I’m going here? Why is it that the media plays up the man’s race more than his qualities as a GM? I think the reason is because beneath their polished exterior, the sports media really loves to play up racism because it helps sell the stories. Look at how they glorify a buffoon like T.O.
WHAT THE F@CK IS R2-D2 TALKING ABOUT?
Why is it that in all the Star Wars movies all the aliens and assorted creeps all pretty much speak English or even broken English with a comical accent but R2-D2, who’s essentially a programmable machine, only communicates using bleeps and bloops? But what really irks me is why does everyone seem to understand what the f@ck the stupid robot is talking about when he makes his bleeps and bloops. It’s like Anniken will say “Holy ####, R2, we’re surrounded!” and then R2-D2 will go “Beep boop bleep booooop beep.” And then Anniken will say “Wow, you’re right R2!” Please, I can suspend belief and enjoy a movie like anyone else but that’s just dumb.
ESPN PORNO MUZAK
ESPN uses background music from 70’s porno flicks as the background music played when showing sports highlights. Just listen to the “wocka-wocka” sound of the guitars or the cheesy keyboard effects when they show a highlight clip and then watch an old Seka or Vanessa Del Rio porno flick and you’ll hear it for yourself. I’m thinking that the background music came from Chris Berman’s personal collection of seventies Swedish Erotica super 8mm porno films. And I also think that Berman probably was that little #### kid who charged his friends a buck to come over to watch said porno flicks projected on a basement wall until you’d have to run all the way home with hard wood and blue balls because you were about to explode.
EAT MORE DOLPHIN
There was a recent story about 25 or so dolphins that became stuck in shallow waters off the coast of Long Island, NY. Thousands of people turned out to see this spectacle, but were told to leave because they were stressing the dolphins and that they were interfering with the thousands of would be dolphin rescuers who came there to gawk at these majestic mammals themselves. The end result was most of the dolphins died from the stress of being stuck in shallow water for too long. I don’t even want to think of all the money that was wasted trying to save these stupid doomed fish. Here’s what needs to be done if this ever happens again – Grab all the stuck dolphins in a seine net, drag them to shore, chop them up into pieces, deep fry the meat and serve it to the homeless, who are starving and would absolutely love a scrumptious meal of deep fried dolphin fingers, french fries and coleslaw.
POTHEAD POLL
And finally, just to fill in the time until the Super Bowl, here is my first annual Pothead Poll –
If given the opportunity, who would you ####? (Girls, you can substitute “####” with “have a sweaty lesbo tryst with”)
Fox Sideline Reporter Pam Oliver or Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice?
It seems television puppet heads, lousy sportswriters, Peter Schrager, the Indian lady at Dunkin’ Donuts and anyone with more than two alcoholic drinks in them will tell you who they think is eventually going to be the Super Bowl Champs this year and why. I say none of their opinions matter because what matters is this - let me just light this up here and . . . cough, cough . . . what was I saying? Oh yeah. What matters is that I’m going to offer my pothead predictions of how the play-offs will unfold from here on out and who will ultimately win the coveted Guy Lombardo trophy.
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
Colts – 23 Patriots – 17
Even though the game is shown on a rival channel, the NFL and Fox strike a deal to have the three headed American Idol monster known as Simon, Paula and Randy come out at half time to wave to the crowd. Sadly, it all goes horribly awry when Simon starts criticizing the Colts (who are down 14-10 at the half) by saying “That has to be the most god-awful performance ever put on display on a professional stage. I know girls soccer clubs from Manchester that play with more heart that these guys”. But as Simon smugly sat there doing his patented eye roll, a whole bunch of really ticked off Colts players began to surround him. As Simon will soon find out professional football players don’t take criticism well and react a lot differently from gawky, delusional, zit-faced teenagers who think they can sing. As several Indy players begin pummeling the #### out of Simon, Paula runs off to the Patriots locker room and rips off her top saying “Take me boys, I’m all yours” and Randy heads straight to the concession stand to get some sausage and pepper hoagies. After the Patriots are done pulling a train on Paula, she quickly dashes off to the Colts locker room and rips off her clothes again saying “I want to thank everyone for giving that doody head Simon his comeuppance, so take me boys, I’m all yours”. The Colts players then pulled a train on Paula too, and it wouldn’t end until the caboose, Peyton Manning, went to take his turn. But instead of giving Paula a quick pop, he dropped to one knee, pulled a ring from his pocket and said, “My Daddy taught me to have too much respect for women, Miss Paula, so I just can’t participate in this here train unless you agree to be my wife.” Paula, who now resembles a glazed Krispy Kreme donut, starts crying and agrees to marry Peyton, so Colts LB Cato June, who is a mail-order ordained minister to avoid paying taxes, performed the marriage sacrament. After saying their “I Do’s” Peyton consummated the train and the Colts came out recharged and refreshed to beat the Patriots and finally get over the hump and make to the Super Bowl.
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
Saints – 31 Bears – 9
The Taints handily beat the suddenly mild Bears who can’t overcome the seven interceptions thrown by QB Rex Grossman. After tossing his fifth pick in the third quarter, psycho LB Brian Urlacher, DT Tank Johnson and several other defensive players grab Grossman as he walks to the sideline and tell him they’re gonna kick the #### out of him after the game while giving him a pink belly. After another pick, the D really starts to rip into INT-Rex by giving him Dutch rubs and Indian burns, wiping boogers on his helmet and calling him names like “Rextard”. This goes on until Coach Lovie Smith intervenes and tells the D to get out there and play while offering Grossman a cup of Gatorade. As Rexie downs the drink, Coach Smith is giggling like a school girl as he whispers to defensive coach Ron Rivera, “The sucker don’t know I took a leak in his Gatorade”. In the fourth quarter Grossman tosses yet another INT and promptly craps his pants. Wise guy TV Commentator Joe Buck notices the #### stain in Grossman’s white pants and points it out to everyone saying, “There goes either a really scared quarterback or a guy who loves Hershey bars so much he carries them around in his back pocket”. The stinky Grossman sits alone on the bench with his head in his hands crying out “Why me?” over and over again, but his teammates ignore his anguished cries and keep tossing used paper cups at him. As the clock winds down Grossman, who fears his impending doom, tries to stick close to Coach Smith for some protection from the ferocious D but the coach shoos him away saying “Get lost, doody drawers. You is on your own.” The game ends and the Taints go on to the Super Bowl as the Bears D surrounds Grossman and drags him off screaming for mercy to the locker room. After a closed door locker room session, the Bears storm out with their faces and shirts drenched in blood and don’t speak a word to reporters. As coach Lovie Smith tries to run out past reporters he is stopped and asked what happened to Grossman in there. “Hey, I ain’t one to tell secrets.” the coach said. “We had a private meeting between teammates and decided that we needed to do something to exorcise the heebie-jeebies from the team so we could reach the Super Bowl next year.” When scribes called out “Yeah, but what happened to Grossman?” the coach replied sheepishly, “Well, we had no choice but to consume him entirely. And let me tell you something, although Rex Grossman wasn’t much as a professional quarterback, he sure was some dang good eating.”
It seems television puppet heads, lousy sportswriters, Peter Schrager, the Indian lady at Dunkin’ Donuts and anyone with more than two alcoholic drinks in them will tell you who they think is eventually going to be the Super Bowl Champs this year and why. I say none of their opinions matter because what matters is this - let me just light this up here and . . . cough, cough . . . what was I saying? Oh yeah. What matters is that I’m going to offer my pothead predictions of how the play-offs will unfold from here on out and who will ultimately win the coveted Guy Lombardo trophy.
AFC DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS
Colts – 23 Ravens – 10
The Colts romp all over the Ravens on their way to an inevitable loss in the AFC Championship game next week. After the game, the Ravens defensive players turn on the offense dudes faster than a bunch of clan-based Mogadishu rebels and blame them for everything from losing the game to global warming. Ravens Coach Brian Billick steps in and tries to calm the fracas but psycho LB Ray Lewis knocks him out and stuffs him in a locker while shouting “The glorious defensive revolution is upon us my brothers”. This in turn riles up all the defense and they beat up all the offensive guys and throw them in a make-shift jail cell set up in the showers for crimes against the glorious state of Maryland. With the defensive coup now complete, Lewis announces he is now the supreme leader in charge of the team and controls all of the former imperialistic owner’s assets. “And starting next year”, the defensive despot decried, “We will be known as the Baltimore Motherf@ckin’ Ravens. So let it be written. So let it be done.” All hail the new H.N.I.C.
Chargers – 34 Patriots – 17
The Chargers completely kick the Patriots butt, but this is secondary to the real story of the game when both Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump show up and find out they are seated two rows apart from each other. The Donald starts the taunting right away by calling out “Have another hot dog, you big ####” and “Did you eat the ice cream vendor, you fat ####”. Rosie tries to ignore him but finally whizzes around and whips a half eaten sausage and pepper hero at him. The hero smashes into the Donald’s forehead and totally messes up his comb-over and he retaliates by chucking his overstuffed wallet back at Rosie, but she ducked and it hit one of her test tube children in the back of the head knocking her out cold. Rosie is livid and she yells out “Oh yeah?” then grabs the wallet and starts giving away the millions of dollars stuffed inside to ecstatic fans. Trump freaks at the sight of his money being given away and leaps across the rows, landing right on top of the chubby talk show hostess and starts pummeling her with his fists. Rosie is giggling as Trump’s blows are safely absorbed by her ample fatness but he keeps on hitting her until she brushes him off like a fly and says “It’s time for the stank finger”. With that, Rosie holds her stinky middle finger that’s been in some of the world’s dirtiest places, like Madonna’s cootchie, under Trump’s nose. Immediately, Trump’s eyes bulge out of his head and his eyebrows melt as he drops to his knees retching and yelps in pain, “No mas, no mas”. Rosie looks down upon the defeated Donald and says, “Okay, I’ll put the stank finger away but tell me, why are you being so mean to me?” Trump looked up at her and said sheepishly, “Because . . . because . . . because I love you Rosie.” The game ends and the Chargers win but no reporters are on the field because all eyes are on Rosie and the Donald as they copulate in front of everyone in the stands to consummate their newfound love which causes wiseass commentator Joe Buck to quip, “Boy, I heard of bumpin’ uglies, but this is ridiculous.”
NFC DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS
Saints – 45 Eagles – 7
The Taints are the feel good story of the year and in an effort to share the goodwill, the team gives away free tickets to all the wretched refuse that called the Super Dome home during those crazy days after Hurricane Katrina. Of course, this all goes horribly awry as the poor slobs start getting liquored up on the complementary 40 oz. bottles of Olde English 800 and revert to old ways by defecating on the floor, robbing each other and blasting out Ludacris songs on boom boxes. The crowd taunts Eagles QB Jeff Garcia with chants of “####” throughout three quarters and it rattles him so much he drags his hot girlfriend out of the stands and yells out “I’ll show you who’s a ####!” and proceeds to start ####ing her right there on the sidelines. With Garcia busy doing the nasty, Eagles coach Andy Reid tells 3rd string QB Koy Detmer to get in there, but he refuses to play because he’s got a bad case of “Blackberry Thumb” from texting his girlfriend so much because he’s no ####. This leaves a frazzled Reid to don a helmet and try to direct his team to victory. On the very first play, Reid is driven into the turf by Taints DT Antwan Lake and starts writing around like a spastic baby until he rolls over and pukes up the thirteen Egg McMuffins he ate for breakfast. Seeing this, injured QB Donovan McNabb starts sympathy puking. It just gets worse from there, as armed thugs start roaming the field and take jewelry from Philly players at gunpoint. Although the Eagles get completely embarrassed, they are thankful to at least leave this swampy hell hole with their lives.
Seahawks – 26 Bears – 23
As the fourth quarter of an exciting 23-23 tie game winds down, steroid abusing slugger Mark McGwire wanders onto the field screaming about what a farce it is that he wasn’t voted into the Hall of Fame. Confused players back away from the juiced up former Cardinal as he stalks the field rambling on and on about how “you people will vote for that big head Bonds”. This goes on for about three minutes when rabid Bears fan Jim Beluschi leaps onto the field and pokes McGwire in the chest telling him “You’re a cheater and cheaters never win”. McGwire starts trembling and swelling up as he transforms into a ‘roided up Hulk-like green beast and rips off Beluschi’s head and punts it through the uprights from 76 yards away. Seeing this, Seattle coach Mike Holmgren fires kicker Josh Brown and hires McGwire on the spot as the new Seahawks kicker. The coach’s gamble pays off when the former Bash Brother boots a 58 yard field goal to ice the game as time runs out
It seems television puppet heads, lousy sportswriters, Peter Schrager, the Indian lady at Dunkin’ Donuts and anyone with more than two alcoholic drinks in them will tell you who they think is eventually going to be the Super Bowl Champs this year and why. I say none of their opinions matter because what matters is this - let me just light this up here and . . . cough, cough . . . what was I saying? Oh yeah. What matters is that I’m going to offer my pothead predictions of how the play-offs will unfold from here on out and who will ultimately win the coveted Guy Lombardo trophy.
WILDCARD WEEKEND – AFC
Colts – 42 Chiefs – 31 The Colts romp all over the Chiefs for the first half because KC Coach Spermin’ Herman Edwards didn’t know what time it was and he was sitting in his hotel room with all the play books watching ‘Match Game 74’ re-runs on the Game Show Network. Luckily during a commercial, the coach started channel surfing and saw the Colts-Chiefs game on TV with his team losing 35 to 3 with two minutes remaining in the half. “Aw shucks, I’m gonna be late again” the flummoxed Edwards said before he ran like the dickens from his hotel to the stadium, making it there before the start of the 3rd. So with a soft Indy defense in a very obliging mood and KC RB LJ raring to go with actual plays, the Chiefs come back from the dead as LJ scores 4 times but it’s too little too late. Indy QB Peyton Manning leads the Colts to a late scoring drive that ices the cake and sends them on their way to an inevitable loss in the AFC Championship game two weeks from now. After the game, Spermin’ Herman told reporters, “I know we lost because I don’t know how to tell time, but I’ll tell you this – that there Charles Nelson Reilly dude on Match Game is one of the funniest guys I ever heard in my life. He so crazy. He must be a real ladies man.”
Jets – 24 Patriots – 16 The student becomes the master and the master has a complete temper tantrum, hissy fit as the J-E-T-S continue their surprising season and knock off the Paits in the first round. NE Coach Bill Belichick started melting down in the 4th with his team down 21 to 16 by throwing play books, snotty, used tissues and the back wash from his Gatorade at assistants and players and screaming out from across the sidelines that NY Coach Eric Mangini was a “loser and a big fatty, fat ####”. With time running out, the Jets hammer the final nail into the Paits coffin when PK Mike Nugent nails a 45 yarder and seals the game. Belichick’s face is bright red and steam is billowing from his ears as the game ends and the Jets win and he goes to bolt right past Mangini without shaking his hand. When Mangini mutters “sore loser” under his breath, Belichick whirls back like a dervish and throws his cup of Gatorade in Mangini’s face and grabs him in a headlock before they both tumble to the ground. Amazingly, Mangini lands on top of Belichick and starts knocking the #### out of him like Ralphie beating up the bully Scott Fargus from ‘A Christmas Story’ before several Jets players pull him away. Belichick slowly gets up from the turf bloodied and crying with the help of some Paits assistants, but pushes them away harshly, spits at Jets RB Leon Washington then runs off the field yelling out, “I’ll get you, Mangini, you big smelly fat ####. Waaaaahhhhhhhhhh!” with tears streaming down his face. About two hours after the game, Belichick is arrested on charges of criminal mischief when he is caught by stadium security in the parking lot spray painting “Mangini Bites The Big Wienie” on the walls of Giants Stadium.
WILDCARD WEEKEND – NFC
Seahawks – 63 Cowboys – 9 The Cowboys just can’t do anything right as the ‘Hawks romp all over the field for sixty minutes, sack Dallas QB Tony Romo 26 times, return 3 interceptions for TD’s and laugh hardily as they watch loudmouth Cowboy WR T.O. drop pass after pass. The end result of this would be, of course, Seattle wins the game and T.O. flips out and starts screaming at everyone on the Dallas sideline about how much they suck. T.O. then strips down to his reveal a pair of Philadelphia Eagles underwear, kicks RB Marion Barber III in the shin and sucker punches owner Jerry Jones before ingesting a bottle of hydrocodone pills, a bottle of all natural supplements, and a bottle of Flintstones chewable vitamins. T.O. then starts foaming at the mouth and does 500 sit-ups until he passes out like Britney Spears at a New Years Eve party from all the pills. As T.O. lays in an unconscious state, angry teammates surround him, fold him in half, stuff him in a Fed Ex box and ship his black #### off to the Detroit Lions. When the package arrives at the Lions main office three days later, dimwit Detroit GM Matt Millen opens the box and excitedly exclaims “Wow! A malcontent, injury-prone, loudmouth wide receiver who drops a lot of passes! It’s just what we need to take it to the next level! Look out for the Lions in 2008!”
Giants – 26 Eagles – 23 Old codger Giants Coach Tom Coughlin pulls out all the dirty tricks from up his sleeve to steal the game away from the high flying Eagles. At a post game news conference the sly old #### reveals to reporters some of his secrets to beating a superior team. “Hey, I knew we had no chance of winning legitimately, so I started off by sneaking into their locker room and putting up pictures of naked guys in Garcia’s locker, to keep those rumors going. Then I glued their playbooks together, put raw chop meat in their jocks, took a dump in Westbrook’s shoes and sewed on ‘I’m A Big ####’ over top of their names on their jerseys.” the snickering coach said. “But the piece de resistance”, the old fogy continued between giggles, “Had to be when I drew a picture of Reid on their chalkboard that had him looking like a retarded Porky Pig saying ‘Duh! Th-th-that’s all folks!’ He really does look like Porky Pig, right? I wish you could’ve seen it, you would laugh your nuts off, but I bet the fat pansy erased it already. Damn, that still cracks me up.”
It doesn’t matter if I usually get only 2 or 3 picks right in the weekly football pool, or if my fantasy football teams suck major league wienie, or if I have nothing better to do than write blogs on FoxSports. What matters is this - let me just light this up here and . . . (cough, cough). What was I saying? Oh yeah, without further ado, here are my predictions of how Week #17 in the NFL will unfold as the teams march towards the goal of obtaining the coveted Guy Lombardo trophy.
POTHEAD PROGNOSTICATIONS WEEK #17
Redskins – 13 Giants – 7 The most amazing thing happens when the G-Men lose the game but still manage to squeak into the play-offs because the League chooses the wild card winners using sissy boy mathematician Blaise Pascal’s “Probability Theory”, which means that almost everyone (except for the Raiders, of course) probably will make it to the play-offs.
Jets – 17 Raiders – 0 Wow! The Jets, who were left for dead at the beginning of the season, will slay all the nay-sayers and make it to the play-offs if they win and the Jags, Bengals, Browns, Ravens, Patriots, Utah Jazz, Valley Stream South High Falcons and New Jersey Devils lose.
Ravens – 27 Bills – 20 The Bills lose, go 4 and 12 on the season and yet still manage to make it to the play-offs by using famed mathematician Sir Isaac Newton’s “Binomial Theorem” coupled with a win by the Dolphins and Jets and losses by the Texans, Broncos, and Greg “The Fossilman” Raymer during the World Series of Poker.
Packers – 24 Bears – 23 Ol’ Brett Farve eeks out a win against Da Bears and gets the Pack into the play-offs as a wild card thanks again to Newton’s ‘Binomial Theorem’, prompting the puzzled old warrior to ask reporters at a post game news conference “We made the play-offs? Doesn’t our team still suck? And what the hell is a ‘Binomial Theorem’ anyhow?”
Bengals – 31 Steelers – 20 After losing to the Bungles and being eliminated from the play-offs, Coach Bill Cowher goes off at a post game news conference and rails against the NFL for using Newton’s ‘Binomial Theorem’ to determine wild card winners. “This is bull ####. Everyone knows Newton was a theorem stealing ####. The only true way to determine a wild card winner would be to use the methods of the manly mathematician, Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz” said the jut-jawed coach before storming off in disgust.
Cowboys – 47 Lions – 3 The Lions get blown out again, end up with a lousy 2-14 record, and still make the play-offs as a wild card after team lawyers sue the league charging them of “discriminatory and anti-inclusionistic actions” against the Detroit Lions just because they suck and never make the play-offs.
Browns – 16 Texans – 9 With the play-off picture in complete disarray, Commissioner Roger Goodell steps in to announce that the league will abandon the ‘Binomial Theorem’ and begin to use the “Gaussian Distribution Curve” developed by mathematician Johann Carl Friedrich Gauss to determine wild card winners. Amazingly, by using the “Gaussian Curve” both the bumbling Brownies and terrible Texans squeak into the play-offs.
Dolphins – 28 Colts – 14 New Dolphins QB Chet Lemon, the illegitimate son o####a href="http://community.foxsports.com/CensorSetting.aspx?url=http%3a%2f%2fcommunity.foxsports.com%2fblogs%2feastrockred">#### tryst between Harlem Globetrotter Meadowlark Lemon and former Yankee’s manager Bob Lemon, leads the Stinky Fish to an improbable win and gets them to the play-offs on a wild card bid thanks to the “Gaussian Curve” and losses by the Texans, Steelers and Vancouver Canucks.
Chiefs – 22 Jaguars – 10 KC Coach Spermin’ Herman Edwards pays no attention to the game as he stands on the side lines looking befuddled trying to figure out how the Chiefs got into the play-offs. “I can’t even tell time” the Coach tells side line reporter Suzy Kolber, “How the heck am I supposed to figure out this here Gaussian Curve thing? This is tougher than Soduku.”
Rams – 13 Vikings – 7 Since every team is now making the play-offs as a wild card (except the Raiders, obviously) due to the leagues use of the “Gaussian Curve”, league commissioner Roger Goodell holds a press conference to say, “We are scraping the ‘Gaussian Curve’ method and will instead adopt the old school methods of Euclid of Alexandria and use ‘Euclidian Geometry’ to find a parallel postulate and wild card winner effective immediately”. Thanks to the new Euclidian method, both the Vikings and Ramses make the play-offs despite losing records.
Saints – 14 Panthers – 10 Carolina Coach John Fox is livid with the Commish and the League after losing and getting knocked from the play-offs. “How can we not be in the play-offs?” the coach asked incredulously. “Everyone picked us to win the Super Bowl this year, we have to get into the play-offs. Obviously, the league is run by buffoons because if they truly wanted to use an old school method to figure out who gets in as a wild card then the only logical solution would be to incorporate the plane equilibriums and circle measurements of Archimedes of Syracuse.”
Eagles – 21 Falcons – 19 The game is marred when Donovan McNabb’s mama attacks Eagles QB Jeff Garcia as he runs from the tunnel and pelts him with cans of Campbell’s Chunky Soup as she screams out ‘You get back on that bench where you belong.” The attack continues until she is dragged away by stadium security officials. On a happy note, the Eagles win gets them into the play-offs and the Falcons also squeak in because of losses by the Panthers, Vikings, Bucs and L.A. Clippers.
Seahawks – 34 Buccaneers – 16 Seattle Coach Mike Holmgren goes nuts after winning the game but missing the play-offs due to the new ‘Euclidian Geometry” method of determining wild card winners. “How can a crappy team like Tampa lose and still make the play-offs and not us? This ‘Euclidian’ thing just sucks. Seattle gets no respect from this league.” When a reporter asked the coach if Seattle was part of the US or Canada he stormed off muttering something about taking the team to the CFL next season.
Titans – 23 Patriots – 21 The #### win! The #### win! Theeeeeeeeee #### win! Not that I really care that much, it’s just that I love yelling out “####” over and over again. So on that note, the #### win! The #### win! Theeeeeeeeee #### win! And to top it off, both them and the Paits make it to the play-offs. Go #### , Go!
49ers – 21 Broncos – 10 The Niners win and get in. The Broncos lose and get busted, which prompts Denver Coach Mike Shannahan to spit out his false choppers while ranting against the league. “This is ludicrous! Euclid? Archimedes? I mean what millennium are we living in? It’s obvious that the league is full of dunderheads because there is only one right way to figure out who gets into the play-offs and that’s by using mathematician Rene Decartes simple “Cartesian Plane”. It’s so simple that any dummy could figure out who the wild cards are while enabling algebraic representation to geometry”.
Chargers – 24 Cardinals – 7 Commissioner Roger Goodell is furious about the play-off shenanigans and issues an edict stating: All NFL teams (except for the Raiders, of course) shall be required to use an official NFL licensed Ouija Board to determine who actually makes it to the play-offs this season. The results of the Ouija Board are binding, irrefutable and inedible and shall be taken most seriously or else I’ll punch you in the nose, ####.
It doesn’t matter if I usually get only 2 or 3 picks right in the weekly football pool, or if my fantasy football teams suck major league wienie, or if I have nothing better to do than write blogs on FoxSports. What matters is this - let me just light this up here and . . . (cough, cough). What was I saying? Oh yeah, without further ado, here are my predictions of how Week #16 in the NFL will unfold as the teams march towards the goal of obtaining the coveted Guy Lombardo trophy.
POTHEAD PROGNOSTICATIONS WEEK #16
Packers – 14 Vikings – 9 Cool! A Thursday night game but because it’s on that stupid freakin’ NFL channel that nobody actually gets, I will have to end up watching the Weather Channel in HD. Wow, it’s so cool! It’s the mirrors.
Chiefs – 63 Raiders – 0 Wow! A Saturday night game, but guess what? It’s on the phantom NFL Network so it’s more Weather Channel. I hear it’s raining cats and dogs in Idaho.
Saints – 27 Giants – 20 Giants QB Eli Manning gets pulled from the game after throwing 3 interceptions in the 4th quarter and blowing the game. At a post game news conference Eli blames it on the little girl with the elephant from the HDTV commercials reflecting lights into his eyes and distracting him, “I’m telling you, it’s the mirrors!”
Falcons – 24 Panthers – 14 As if to prove he’s more thuggish than T.O., Falcons QB Michael Vick spits on every Carolina player while giving the fans the finger. To add insult to injury, after the Falcons win, Vick takes Carolina Coach John Fox’s 18 year old niece on a date.
Titans – 32 Bills – 26 I hope the Titans win the Super Bowl. Not because I’m a Tennessee fan but because I like calling their team the #### and can even get away with calling them the #### on a pious web sight such as FoxSports. ####! ####! ####! P.S. – In case the hint is too subtle, I love ####!
Browns – 7 Buccaneers – 3 I would rather be spit upon by T.O. than have to watch this ####. Why don’t they show garbage games like this on the NFL network, huh? Jeez, where’s that little snot-nosed HDTV kid with the mirrors when you need her?
Bears – 651 Lions – 0 Da Bears run all over the field because they are the only team to show up at the game because Detroit Coach Rod Marinelli decided to take his team to a strip club in Ypsilanti instead. “I’ll tell ya shomething”, the inebriated coach slurred while getting a lap dance, “My team shtinks an’ we all know it, so why go an’ embarrass ourselves? Thankfully after next week no more suffering. Paaaaarty! Whooooooo!”
Colts – 28 Texans – 23 The game is marred when the little girl and elephant from the HDTV commercials storm the field in the 2nd quarter to show the world “the mirrors” and the little twazzola blinds several Colts players while the elephant takes a huge dump on the 40 yard line.
Patriots – 32 Jaguars – 10 Trying to prove he is gangsta like T.O., forgotten Jags QB Byron Leftwich spits on Paits Coach Bill Belichick’s dingy sweatshirt, but the coach laughs it off saying, “I use this rag to wipe up jism after I’m done railing cheerleaders in the parking lot in the back of my Range Rover, what’s a little spit?”
Steelers – 13 Ravens – 7 The little girl from the HDTV commercial and her elephant show up at the game and start shining “the mirrors” in everyone’s eyes until Ravens LB Ray Lewis gets so angry he kicks the elephant in the nads. Sadly, the pachyderm goes bonkers and rampages through the stadium, severely injuring several Baltimore starters, two refs and dozens of fans.
Rams – 24 Redskins – 21 The Ramses QB Marc Bulger gets all gangsta on the field and starts spitting at the ‘Skins D and yelling out Snoop Dogg-isms like “Yo for shizzle sucking on da nizzle” until he’s slapped around by Coach Scott Linehan as he reminds Bulger he’s a rich white boy.
49ers – 26 Cardinals – 10 Cardinals Coach Denny Green tells reporters after the game the reason the Cardinals are having such an awful year. “It’s the mirrors” he said before looking sheepishly at his feet and mumbling, “Or else it’s just the fact that we just plain ol’ stank.
Bengals – 34 Broncos – 16 Never one to play second banana to T.O., Bungles WR Chad Johnson flings his own poo at opposing players while screeching like a psychotic chimp after scoring a TD.
Chargers – 28 Seahawks – 20 Seattle Coach Mike Holmgren goes nuts after the ‘Hawks blow another big game and attacks the little HDTV girl and her elephant because he blames “her and her stupid mirrors” as the reason his team lost. The crazed coach pushed the girl to the ground harshly and bit the elephant on the left ear several times before stadium security dragged him away.
Eagles – 21 Cowboys – 10 T.O. throws a tantrum on the sidelines while the cowboys proceed to blow the game and inadvertently spits on Coach Bill Parcells while trying to hock a lugie at QB Tony Romo. As the Big Tuna’s face turns red and steam pulses from his ears, T.O. backs away apologizing for the accidental lung rocket but it’s too late and Parcells bites off T.O.’s head and swallows it whole like a snake eating an egg.
Jets – 24 Dolphins – 21 The little HDTV girl and her elephant play a neat trick on the fans at Pro player Stadium when they hand out free boxes that are supposed to be filled with mirrors to create beams of light like on the commercial, but it actually contains an elephant ####. And trust me, elephant farts stank royally. Merry Christmas!
It doesn’t matter if I usually get only 2 or 3 picks right in the weekly football pool, or if my fantasy football teams suck major league wienie, or if I have nothing better to do than write blogs on FoxSports. What matters is this - let me just light this up here and . . . (cough, cough). What was I saying? Oh yeah, without further ado, here are my predictions of how Week #15 in the NFL will unfold as the teams march towards the goal of obtaining the coveted Guy Lombardo trophy.
POTHEAD PROGNOSTICATIONS WEEK #15
Seahawks – 34 49ers – 14 Because it’s on that stupid freakin’ NFL channel that nobody actually gets, I will have to end up watching the Weather Channel.
Cowboys – 23 Falcons – 16 Wow! A Saturday night game, but guess what? It’s on the phantom NFL Network so it’s more Weather Channel. I hear it’s raining cats and dogs in Idaho.
Giants – 17 Eagles – 17 The game is called a tie by officials and ends in the 3rd quarter after the stadium becomes overflowed with doody from sickened fans that ate the e-coli tainted Taco Bell Chalupas that were handed out free at half time in an effort by Taco Bell Inc. to create good will.
Ravens – 24 Browns – 14 The game takes a strange turn when Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears and Lindsey Lohan, who are obviously drunk, rush the field at halftime yelling out “Whoooo” and “Paaaarty” while flashing their cochas. They are finally escorted off the field when Paris starts giving Brownies RB Ruben Droughns head during a cell phone conversation.
Dolphins – 32 Bills – 26 Miami QB Joey Harrington is jumped in the parking lot and roughed up after the game by several former Lions teammates who are ticked off that he’s enjoying success with the Dolphins after having sucked so bad while with their team.
Steelers – 17 Panthers – 10 Panthers Coach John Fox shrugs off yet another loss by saying “I know this hurts our chances to get into the playoffs but I’ve been so wrapped up in playing my new PS3 that I haven’t gotten around to revising our game plans”.
Bears – 31 Buccaneers – 7 The game is marred when it is realized the football wasn’t actually a football but an obsolete NBA synthetic basketball that had been squished and painted brown by NBA officials who had warehouses full of the crappy balls and dupped the NFL into buying them.
Packers – 28 Lions – 23 The game is attended by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who tells sideline reporter Pam Oliver, “Hey, I’m not a bad guy. I don’t hate America. In fact, I love dese America football game and dese America hot dog and dese smoking hotties you call de cheerleader, it’s just dose Jews that irk me”.
Texans – 18 Patriots – 12 It was recently reported that a seven legged deer, with both male and female reproductive organs was found dead in some guys driveway, but even stranger than that is that the Paits lost to the Texans! The freakin’ Texans!!!
Saints – 23 Redskins – 17 The game is marred when the little “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” Chihuahua from the old Taco Bell commercials is driven mad by e-coli, runs onto the field and rabidly attacks ‘Skins Coach Joe Gibbs. Before the beloved pooch is bludgeoned to death by overzealous stadium security he chews off Gibbs’ left testicle.
Jets – 24 Vikings – 23 The Jets luckily pull out the win after Vikings kicker Ryan Longwell misses the game winning field goal from 29 yards out because he’s distracted by Jets Coach Eric Mangini who’s on the sidelines lighting his own farts.
Titans – 16 Jaguars – 10 Jags Coach Jack Del Rio throws NFL officials into fits when he threatens to sue the league and wins the right to wear a slinky, red cocktail dress on the sidelines instead of a suit or an NFL sanctioned and licensed product.
Cardinals – 28 Broncos – 27 The rookie QB rivalry actually starts the night before the game when Matt Leinart and Jay Cutler hang out at Leinart’s house smoking blunts and playing Madden ’07 on Xbox.
Chargers – 35 Chiefs – 0 The Chiefs are held scoreless after RB Larry Johnson gets a bad case of diarrhea before the game from eating an e-coli tainted gordita from Taco Bell. LJ tells reporters at a post game news conference, “Man I couldn’t go out there wearing our white uniform because I was crapping so much that I would have looked like I was melting”.
Rams – 28 Raiders – 17 The Ramses get lucky and get the win in spite of WR Torry Holt going down in the 2nd quarter after getting hit in the eye by an errant Nintendo Wii remote control game wand.
Bengals – 35 Colts – 30 Der Bungles take a chance and take the game on an amazing run by newly acquired RB Allen Iverson, who decided to join the NFL after no NBA team would take him because he’s such a royal pain in the ####. Bungles coach Marvin Lewis tells reporters, “Hey, our team is full of pain in the #### ex-cons, what’s one more?”
It doesn’t matter if I usually get only 2 or 3 picks right in the weekly football pool, or if my fantasy football teams suck major league wienie, or if I have nothing better to do than write blogs on FoxSports. What matters is this - let me just light this up here and . . . (cough, cough). What was I saying? Oh yeah, without further ado, here are my predictions of how Week #14 in the NFL will unfold as the teams march towards the goal of obtaining the coveted Guy Lombardo trophy.
POTHEAD PROGNOSTICATIONS WEEK #14
Steelers – 24 Browns – 23 Because it’s on that stupid freakin’ NFL channel that nobody actually gets, I will have to end up watching the Weather Channel. I hear it’s raining cats and dogs in Idaho.
Jets – 35 Bills – 0 Buffalo QB J.P. Losman has the worst game of his career when he tosses 13 interceptions and ends up with a negative 42 QB rating. The shook up QB tells reporters at a post game news conference, “I just couldn’t get my head into the game after seeing those pictures of Brittany Spear’s #### on the internet. Man, that thing was nasty”.
Panthers – 20 Giants – 17 After another heart breaking loss, several members of the Giants D grab QB Eli Manning in the locker room after the game and give him purple nerples and Indian burns before getting caught by Coach Coughlin. When the crusty old #### sees what’s going on he instructs them to dump Ben-#### in Eli’s cup and stuff him in his locker until the Monday morning team meeting.
Bengals – 421 Raiders – 14 The Bungles completely slaughter the wretched Raiders which causes befuddled Raider coach Art Shell to wake up from his 3rd quarter nap and look at the score board. When he sees the devastation he comments, “Whoa, we stink real bad”. He then got back on bench and drifted off back to sleepy land.
Saints – 38 Cowboys – 6 This could have been a real good match up but turns into a lopsided laugher when the majority of Dallas’ starters spend the game on the bowl expelling bloody diarrhea from their sphincters after eating the e-coli tainted Subway sandwiches, which were provided by Saints RB Reggie Bush, for lunch.
Vikings – 22 Lions – 10 The lowly Lions really stink and we all know it, but it’s just lame when Lions players like WR Roy Williams make up cheap excuses for dropping passes like “I have a bad case of Blackberry Thumb from texting my baby mama about child support”.
Titans – 31 Texans – 27 Titans win, but does anyone really give a ####?
Jaguars – 23 Colts – 17 Colts QB Peyton Manning doesn’t even show up for the game until the start of the 4th quarter but by then it’s too late as the Colts drop another game. When asked by reporters where he was during the first three quarters Manning replies, “I went to see a matinee of the movie “Happy Feet” and got so engrossed in it that I sat through it three more times until I realized it was game day”.
Ravens – 28 Chiefs – 12 Chiefs RB LJ suffers a broken wrist in a pre-game scuffle with coach Herm Edwards during an intense debate about which actor portrayed the James Bond character best and blows any chance the Chiefs had of winning.
Patriots – 23 Dolphins – 17 Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez comes to the game to watch what he dubs “A satanic sport in the evil empire of sulphur” then tosses off a few “Bush is the devil” and “America is evil” slogans, but as angry mobs gather to beat his greasy Venezuelan butt, he gives out free 5 gallon containers of gas to everyone and leaves to a standing ovation. Said one happy fan, “Hey, I know he’s a ####, fascist dictator, but I’d vote for anyone giving out free gas.”
Falcons – 13 Buccaneers – 3 After Tampa Coach Jon “Chucky” Gruden’s attempt to be nice to his team by taking them all to Cracker Barrel for a big breakfast prior to the game fails to yield results, he blows his stack and spends the 4th quarter taking pot shots at his own players with a pellet gun as they fumble about the field.
Redskins – 16 Eagles – 10 ‘Skins Coach Joe Gibbs raises the ire of the league when he quips at a post game news conference, “Man, them Eagles stink worse than the pigeon #### covered statue of that dago bum Rocky that they got outside the stadium”.
Seahawks – 28 Cardinals – 27 Seattle is lucky to escape with a win in this battle of the birds. ‘Hawks Coach Mike Holmgren says after the game “Hoo boy, that was close. If we lost to those bums, I would eat my hat.” He then paused for a minute, removed his hat and said “You know, I am feeling a little peckish” before devouring the chapeau in front of stunned reporters.
49ers – 31 Packers – 10 Packers QB Brett Farve gets the snot knocked out of him yet again and loses 9 snaps to fumbles. The old QB tells reporters at a post game news conference, “Jeez, I know I kept dropping the ball but who the heck wants to bend over in this stadium?”
Chargers – 28 Broncos – 7 The Bolts electrocute the bumbling Broncos as backup QB Jake Plummer spends the entire game shooting spit balls at Coach Mike Shanahan and new QB Jay Cutler.
Bears – 49 Rams – 3 After 3 quarters of anti-Semitic remarks and cheap Jew jokes by fellow announcers Joe Theismann and Tony Turrico, Tony Kornheiser blows his stack and walks off MNF. Seeing a window of opportunity comedian Dennis Miller jumps into the booth and quickly makes some inane reference about Marc Bulger and former Cambodian dictator Pol Pot.
It doesn’t matter if I usually get only 2 or 3 picks right in the weekly football pool, or if my fantasy football teams suck major league wienie, or if I have nothing better to do than write blogs on FoxSports. What matters is this - let me just light this up here and . . . (cough, cough). What was I saying? Oh yeah, without further ado, here are my predictions of how Week #13 in the NFL will unfold as the teams march towards the goal of obtaining the coveted Guy Lombardo trophy.
POTHEAD PROGNOSTICATIONS WEEK #13
Ravens – 27 Bengals – 23 Disgraced “Seinfeld” actor Michael “Kramer” Richards has to give head to all the black players on the Ravens before the game as part of the Jesse Jackson imposed penance for saying the dreaded “####” after being heckled at a comedy club.
Chargers – 45 Bills – 16 A racial brewhaha ensues when Bills QB J.P. Losman calls SD RD LT the dreaded “####” after scoring his 3rd TD of the game. Losman appears at a post game news conference to say “I would never call anyone the “####”. I was upset and called LT a smelly chigger. You know, like the bug”.
Cowboys – 17 Giants – 13 Dallas WR T.O . calls everyone on the Giants a bunch of stupid, lazy “####” losers, but thankfully T.O. is an African-American so it’s all good. Even old sour #### Giants Coach Tom Coughlin agrees, “We did play like a bunch of lazy “N-Words” today and I will never get over it”.
Bears – 41 Vikings – 14 Psycho Chicago LB Brian Urlacher starts a racial controversy and ticks off all sixteen Albanians that live in Chicago when he calls Vikes RB Chester Taylor an “Albanian Camel Humper” even though Chester is not Albanian at all.
Chiefs – 28 Browns – 6 Brownies WR Braylon Edwards rips into QB Charlie Frye once more during the game because of his 5 interceptions and calls him the dreaded “####”. After the game Edwards says, “That’s right, I called him the “####. Then I realized he’s white so I called him a dumb cracker instead”.
Dolphins – 22 Jaguars – 10 Jags Coach Rodney Dangerfield gets into trouble for using the dreaded “####” after Miami RB Ronnie Brown scores his second TD of the game. Rappin’ Rodney tells reporters at a post game news conference, “ I didn’t call him the “####”, I called him a Nicorette, you know, like the gum that makes you stop smoking”.
Patriots – 31 Lions – 27 Lions QB Jon Kitna finds himself in hot water after he calls WR Roy Williams the dreaded “####” after dropping a sure TD with 12 seconds left in the 4th quarter. Kitna tells reporters after the game, “I didn’t call him the “####”. I said it would be nice if that dumb Nicaragua could hold onto the ball. You know, like the country Nicaragua”.
Saints – 49 49ers – 35 Although nobody called anybody the dreaded “####” during the game, some not quite as dreadful but still pretty bad names like “####”, “schvartzer” and “####” were thrown about with reckless abandon.
Steelers – 28 Buccaneers – 12 Another racial controversy ensues when Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger calls Bucco Ronde Barber a bald headed “####” after his fifth interception of the game. Big Ben tells reporters after the game “I didn’t call him the dreaded “####” what I said was that Ronde was a bald headed fligger”. When asked by reporters exactly what a “fligger” was, Roethlisberger yelled out “Yoink!” then ran out of the room and hid in his locker.
Cardinals – 23 Rams – 17 New Card QB Matt Leinhart starts another racial donnybrook when he compliments WR’s Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald by saying ”Them’s my “N-Words”. He then held a three hour dissertation on how it was okay because he didn’t use the dreaded “####” but the more #### socially acceptable form of the word that ends in “AZ” as opposed to the super offensive form that ends in “ERS”. I guess it wasn’t explained enough to Fitz though, because he punched Leinhart in the schnozola in the parking lot.
Colts – 213 Titans – 3 Backup #### QB Kerry Collins drinks two quarts of vodka before the game and starts calling everyone within earshot the dreaded “####”. At a post game news conference, Collins apologizes saying “I’m really sorry. I was drunk and I thought I was back in Carolina”.
Redskins – 26 Falcons – 10 Concerned that their team name in insufficiently racist and derogatory, ‘Skins owner Daniel Snyder announces that the team’s nickname will be changed to the “Washington N-Words” starting next season.
Jets – 27 Packers – 20 The game is marred by racial insensitivity after Green Bay QB Brett Farve sneaks onto the field the night before the game and paints the dreaded “####” in both end zones where it should say Packers. Brett tells reporters after the game, “Hey, it was just a joke, you know, like what do you call an African American running back that gains over 250 yards rushing in a single game?” Reporters looked around puzzled before Farve blurted out the answer, “Why the ####, of course”.
Raiders – 12 Texans – 10 The dreaded “####” is tossed about willy-nilly at the game, but this game is such a dog that no one shows up at the stadium, no one watches it on TV, no listens to it on the radio, so in reality it wasn’t offensive because no one actually heard anything at all.
Seahawks – 38 Broncos – 19 Seahawks Coach Mike Holmgren utters the dreaded “####” as the Seattle receivers keep dropping sure passes in the end zone, but there is no controversy because almost everyone in Denver is either some jack off white yuppie cracker that likes to ski or a big fat lazy Mexican that can’t even understand English anyhow.
Panthers – 44 Eagles – 23 An extremely annoyedRoger Goodell, the NFL commissioner, holds a press conference prior to the Monday night game and says the use of the dreaded “####” will not be tolerated by the NFL. “Anyone heard using that terrible word, whether it be before, during or after a game, will be automatically fined $324,647.34, will serve a 336 game suspension, and will have to winterize Jesse Jackson’s swimming pool every autumn for the next 14 years” said the ticked Commish.
