Perusing the monthly spending habits of Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal, which are outlined in fascinating detail in his recent divorce papers, I was bowled over by one extravagant figure in particular: His $24,300 monthly gasoline bill. How on God's green earth can a man spend that much scratch on go-go juice?

Let's try to put this figure in perspective. I live in Connecticut, where gas runs more than $3 a gallon. For me to spend 24K on gas, I'd have to buy 8,000 gallons of gas. Considering my truck gets about 20 miles to the gallon, I'd then have to drive 160,000 miles a month to expend that amount of fuel. Really, how is that possible? Did Shaq buy one of NASA's old Space Shuttles? Does he fill it up with rocket fuel and spend weekends at the International Space Station? I mean, $24,000 a month on gas? I'd have been less surprised to learn he spends that much on condoms.

Here's the full story of O'Neal's finances, as reported by the Palm Beach Post: "O'Neal makes a huge amount of money, $1.8 million in monthly salary, publicity contracts and returns on investments, his routine expenses total $875,015 - a month. Among them: $156,116 in mortgages on three homes (including his $20 million mansion on Miami Beach's Star Island), plus $31,299 in homeowners insurance; $3,345 in phone bills; $1,610 in lawn and pool maintenance; $12,775 for food; $10,065 in electricity, $1,495 for cable TV; $5,000 in car payments (for three cars - he owns at least twice as many); $24,300 in gas; $6,730 in dry cleaning; $17,220 in clothing; $2,305 for pets and $110,505 for vacations. Child care sets Shaq back $26,500 a month. He and Shaunie have four children, and each has a child from a previous relationship. By the way, he pays $10,000 a month in temporary child support and another 10 grand in alimony. To his credit, the big-man-in-the-middle is doing his share in helping close the giant federal deficit. The 13-page document shows he pays $5.41 million a year in federal income tax and $217,000 in taxes in states where the Heat plays road games. Property taxes cost him $903,132."

Good to see he spends a little more on child care than gas.

When sports objects speak!

Needle: I carried steroids to Roger Clemens's butt.

Baseball: Babe Ruth was pointing to the closest bar.

Football: Forget the tuck rule, Brady fumbled.

Titleist: None of the balls ever liked Greg Norman.

Puck: We loved the red tracer, made us feel special.

Bowling ball: "Kingpin"? No, that's not an accurate portrayal.

Baseball bat: Bo Jackson deserved his fate.

Bicycle: Cycling is not a sport.

Football: Franco's catch was an immaculate incompletion.

Gas pedal: Don't be afraid to use me, Earnhardt.

Sunglasses: Only wienies wear shades at the poker table.

Tennis racket: You ain't broken a string till you've been broken by Sharapova.

Home plate: Holliday missed me.

Rim: Shaq's free throws are worse than Darry Dawkins's dunks.

Third base: Victor Martinez? I met him once.

Grass: Would you want to lay down roots in Pittsburgh?

 

 

Football
Shawne Merriman has dropped his appeal and agreed to a four-game suspension after testing positive for attending the University of Maryland. 

Baseball
The Red Sox re-signed Mike Timlin? If they needed a middle reliever to allow inherited runners to score, well, couldn’t they have found a pitcher who’s cheaper, younger, and has a cleaner hemp necklace?
    Add this move to signing Coco Crisp, trading for Josh Beckett, and signing off on the Jerry Remy-Don Orsillo bobble-head dolls…all mistakes that passed by Theo Epstein’s desk. It’s official, I now distrust his judgment more than I trust it.

Basketball
After last night’s embarrassing opening-night loss to the Chicago Bulls, Shaquille O’Neal said that Miami Heat coach Pat Riley had some choice words for the defending champions.
    “He told us, ‘If you don’t get your #### together soon, you’re gonna end up in a rack.’ I was like damn, Coach, I thought they outlawed that #### in the Middle Ages.”