NFL: If Jim Zorn can teach Jason Campbell to throw left-handed, then his hiring makes sense.
NHL: Sadly, if you ask me what's been going on in hockey lately, I'll say players are purse-snatching, Sidney Crosby's still injured and some guy almost got decapitated by another player's skate. That's about it.
NBA: Word is the Knicks are shopping Zach Randolph and Eddie Curry. They should send them to the Lakers for an autographed copy of "Fletch Lives," and send Gregg Popovich a wheel of Jarlsberg cheese, to enjoy with his whine.
NBA 2: Watched "Little Children" with Kate Winslet yesterday. Steve Nash should have won an Oscar for his role as the child molester.
Golf: "A tradition unlike any other...January commercials for April's Masters."
Sportswriting: I think it's official: Bill Simmons has completely crossed over. When he first arrived at ESPN early this decade, he provided a unique perspective -- the fan's perspective. It was something of a public trust. We could relate to him (or, I could anyway) because he rooted for teams that sucked. Now his teams are all successful and (this is the capper) he actually planned to spend the Super Bowl after-party hanging out with Brady and Gisele, whom he knows through mutual friends. Um, what? Who can relate to this? Sorry, Bill, but you've lost the public trust. ESPN needs to start over here. They need to replace Simmons with a writer whose teams mostly suck and who'll never get invited to hang out with celebrities. In short, they need to replace him with me. And then, as soon as Vanderbilt wins a bowl game (which should happen in the next 10-25 years), they should replace me with someone else. Say, a sportswriter from Cleveland or Seattle?
NASCAR: This is only the 50th running of the Daytona 500? Perhaps by the 75th I'll understand the attraction.
MLB: My question is not for Roger Clemens or Brian McNamee, but for Clemens's wife, Debbie. If it's true that McNamee injected her with HGH, it stands to reason that she knows that McNamee injected her husband as well, and that her husband will be lying to Congress. If he does that, he might be facing jail time, which will not only ruin the family's reputation, but make holiday plans a bit dicey for the foreseeable future. Given that, I'd love to know," What advice, Debbie, do you have for your husband in advance of tomorrow's hearing?" Really, if she knows he's lying, and she knows the consequences, then what's that say about her?
Apropos of nothing (?): God makes 'em and he matches 'em.
College hoops: I wrote about this a few weeks ago in my blog, and zero commenters were good enough to leave their thoughts, but does anyone really expect Memphis, a team that shoots under 60 percent from the foul line collectively, to go undefeated this season? That's like expecting a football team to go undefeated when it can't make field goals from more than 45 yards. Eventually, your weaknesses are going to be exposed.
A lot of people whine about the two-week layoff between the NFL championship games and the Super Bowl, which is great for the players, coaches and team officials (who can make ticket arrangements and hotel accommodations for their friends and loved ones), but which annoys the average fan. Unfortunately, this extra week is here to stay, so all we can do is grin and bear it and wait for the first player to get arrested in Arizona.
This two-week layoff is perhaps the most unbearable down time in sports -- but by no means the only one. Here are some other times that try men's souls, in no particular order.
* The Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday following the first weekend of the men's NCAA basketball tournament. Arguably, the first four days of the tournament are the most exciting stretch in sports, with games from noon to midnight, the occasional upset, and just about everyone in the nation discussing their brackets. Even chicks with zero sports knowledge love the first four days of March Madness...but then it's over. And then we have to wait through Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (and even part of Thursday!) for the Sweet 16 games. Sure, those games are usually better match-ups than the earlier games, but you probably don't have to fake a head cold, lie to your boss and slink off to a sports bar to watch them either, and that's what makes the first round so magical.
* The day after the All-Star Game in baseball. Honestly, I despise the All-Star Break, but these millionaires need their beauty sleep, so I guess we have to live with it. I don't watch the Home Run Derby, which is a hackneyed premise, and I only watch the All-Star Game introductions and maybe the first three innings. The game's on Tuesday, so by Wednesday night I need baseball that actually matters. I mean, I've been watching my team play every night for three-plus months. Sure, there's the occasional travel day or rain cancellation -- but not for three days in a row!
* The Friday and Saturday after the Thursday night kickoff to the NFL season. This is like holding Christmas Eve on a Thursday, teasing your kid by giving him one present, then holding Christmas Day three days later, at which point your frustrated child simply wants to kill you and burn the remaining presents.
* When your team closes out its series and has to wait for another series to finish. This happens in the NBA and the NHL all the time, but the most publicized layoff in recent sports history involved the Colorado Rockies. Following a stretch when they won 21 of 22 games, including back-to-back sweeps of the Phillies and Diamondbacks in last year's National League playoffs, the Rockies had to wait while the Red Sox and Indians finished a hard-fought 7 games series (and then two more days -- 8 in total -- because MLB decided the World Series was starting on a preordained day, no matter when the two championship series ended). Colorado players spent the eight days making snow men at Coors Field, then got swept by the Red Sox in the World Series. Don't tell a Rockies fan that momentum is a myth. * The period between your fantasy draft and the start of the regular season. Usually you try to schedule your fantasy football and baseball drafts for as close to the start of the regular season as possible, but it doesn't always work that way. Consequently, you draft your team and then pray for several weeks, hoping the guys you drafted don't get hurt in meaningless exhibition games, thereby ruining your chances to look like a genius. This probably applies equally to fantasy basketball, fantasy hockey and fantasy NASCAR, but I've never participated in those leagues.
* In Major League Baseball, the two-plus weeks of interleague play every June. Good god alive, has the novelty worn off yet? This year, between June 13 and June 29, my team, the Boston Red Sox, play the Cincinnati Reds, the Philadelphia Phillies, the St. Louis Cardinals (hurray, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver on the Saturday Game of the Week!), the Arizona Diamondbacks and the Houston Astros. I know I shouldn't complain, since that's 15 easy wins. But still.
* The day AFTER opening day in baseball. Listen, I know why the teams schedule an off day between opening day and the second game of the year (it's in case opening day is rained out). But that doesn't eradicate the fact that I go from cloud nine to limbo in less than 24 hours. * The layoff before bowl games. Ohio State was off for more than 50 days before losing to LSU in the BCS Championship Game, but frankly, I don't care that much about this kind of stretch. After all, it's been more than 9000 days since my alma mater, Vanderbilt, even went to a bowl game.
Congratulations to the New England Patriots, who became the first team in NFL history to complete a 16-game schedule undefeated. Along the way the Pats tied or set numerous NFL records: most points scored (589), most team touchdowns (75), most touchdown passes (50 by Yankee fan Tom Brady), and most touchdown receptions (23 by Straight Cash Homey). If the Patriots run the table in the playoffs, finishing the season 19-0, they will deservedly go down in history as the NFL’s greatest team. But if they stumble in the playoffs and don’t win the Super Bowl, they’ll displace the 1906 Chicago Cubs and the 2001 Seattle Mariners (currently tied) as the biggest “Yeah, but” team in sports history. Ask your great-great grandfather what he remembers about the 1906 Cubs. He’ll likely reply, “Tinkers-Evers-Chance. Great infield, great team. In fact, most regular season wins in league history.” That’s when you drop, “Yeah, but they didn’t win the World Series.” (They lost to the cross-town ChiSox, 4 games to 2.) Ask that latte-swilling, Mother Love Bone-loving, Seattle resident what she remembers about the 2001 Mariners. She’ll likely reply, “Ichiro, Rookie of the Year and MVP, first since Fred Lynn. Bret Boone’s huge head and 137 RBIs. Great team. In fact, most regular season wins in league history.” That’s when you drop, “Yeah, but they lost to the Yankees 4 games to 1 in the American League Championship Series.” In the histories of the four major sports, the Cubs and Mariners are the only two teams with the best regular-season records NOT to win titles. In basketball, the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls won 72 regular-season games and the NBA title. In hockey, the 1976-77 Montreal Canadiens compiled 132 points in the regular season and skated to the Stanley Cup. And the 1972 Miami Dolphins – before this season, the lone undefeated football team in modern NFL history – won the Super Bowl after winning all 14 regular-season games. If the Patriots lose in the playoffs, where will their 16-0 regular season rank on the all-time list of “Yeah, but” records? I’d say it goes right to #1. Haters of the Pats already arm themselves with the SpyGate qualifier, but that’s more sour grapes than genuine ammunition. But if New England doesn't win the Super Bowl in Arizona in early February, the Pats and their fans will go from chest-thumping peacocks to head-down mumblers. In recent sports history, the last team to suffer that kind of fate was the 1990-1991 UNLV team, which steamrolled everyone during the regular-season – and this after trouncing Duke in the title game the year before. But then the Running Rebs lost to the Blue Devils in the 1991 Final Four. Similar to the 2007 Pats, that UNLV team was widely despised. Given all that the Patriots have accomplished this season, it’s somewhat unfair that they now straddle the crossroads of two distinct fates – immortality or ignominy. If they win out, they’ll be the greatest team in NFL history. If they don’t, they’ll go down as the great “Yeah, but” team in sports history. Fans in Chicago and Seattle are no doubt rooting for the latter. And as a diehard Steelers fan, so am I.
How Gil Meche, a mediocre pitcher, gets a five-year, $55 million contract from the Kansas City Royals, a moribund franchise that should have been contracted 10 years ago, but Lance Briggs, an All-Pro linebacker, can’t get anything more than a one-year, $7.2 million offer from the NFC Champion Bears, one of the NFL’s proudest franchises.
How a judge can get away with allowing Tank Johnson to a) play in the Super Bowl, and b) sentencing Johnson to only four months in jail, meaning he’ll be free just time for training camp.
How Mike Mussina has the gall to call out Carl Pavano, a pitcher who’s got more rings (1) and as many 20-win seasons (zero) as Mr. Crossword Puzzle.
How admitting you bet on your team every night (Pete Rose) is supposed to improve your chances of making the Hall of Fame. “Why don’t you stop talking for a little while, Champ.”
How metal baseball bats are still legal in Little League, high school, and college. Are they more dangerous? Probably not. But what are the benefits? They last longer? Please. They detract from the ambience of the game and give baseball the techno feel that’s killed pro tennis, where the implementation of titanium equipment has added speed but reduced volleying – and thus, interest among fans. Is anyone amazed by Andy Roddick’s serve anymore? It’s so damn fast that we need the Cyclops to see if it’s in or not. Give me McEnroe versus Borg anyday. Pro tennis is dead, and it’s dead because of the rackets.
How amped I’m going to be for the Vandy/G-town game. Dores all the way? I’m willing to ingest the necessary chemicals that will make me believe that.
Cameron Martin. Finalist in Fox Sports Next Great Sportswriter contest. I cover the Red Sox for Comcast SportsNet New England and Major League Baseball for
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