Thoughts while watching the Pro Bowl

* Lifehouse is playing the halftime show? I take it they weren't invited to perform at tonight's Grammy Awards.

* Vince Wolfork is rushing the quarterback with all the urgency of a pothead after five bong hits.

* If my wife loves me, she'll buy me something nice for Valentine's Day. Say, Monster Seats to a Red Sox/Yankees game this season?

* Jets fans are no doubt watching this game with interest, hoping as many players get hurt as possible.

* For all the hitting in this game, Pro Bowl jerseys should be light pink and dark pink.

* Fat men don't look presentable in many outfits, but Hawaiian shirts are probably the least presentable.

* We get Joe Buck and Troy Aikman in the Super Bowl and Kenny Albert and Moose Johnston in the Pro Bowl? Ought to be reversed. After all, Aikman had no Cowboys to drool over in the Super Bowl, but this would be heaven.

* The Raiders' lone rep is punter Shane Lechler, which makes sense.

* Packers' cornerback Al Harris gets a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty in the third quarter for playing press coverage. Apparently no one informed Al that he's supposed to play at half speed and pray he doesn't blow out a knee in this meaningless exhibition. This isn't football. In fact, I wonder if a bull was ritually castrated before the game.

* If you're going to lie and say you got a football scholarship to play in college, wouldn't you at least pick a school that's good? Cal? If I told my parents I'd gotten into an Ivy League school, I wouldn't be telling them Brown, ya know.

* The NFC now gets penalized for "illegally blitzing the quarterback," the ref says. OK, if you have to emasculate America's most popular sport, can you at least save us the indignity of explaining its wimpification? Just throw the flag and privately tell the offending player what he did wrong, because announcing it to the stadium is cringe-inducing.

* The NFC gets flagged because Al Harris attempted to make a tackle using both hands.

* No, not really.

* The most exciting play of the game so far? When Devin Hester lateraled a kickoff to the NFC's second-fastest runner...Cowboys' TE Jason Witten.

* How can the Vikings have 7 starters in the Pro Bowl and not make the playoffs? Oh, right, their QB is Tavares Jackson and their best wide receiver is Ahmad Rashad.

* Ya know when your division sucks? When Jeff Garcia is the only player to make the Pro Bowl from the NFC South, and he made it because Brett Favre decided to stay home and play touch football.

* I'd love to see the Nielsen ratings for this game in southeastern American cities. 

* Players on the winning side get $40,000, losers get $20,000. I hope the game ends in a tie.

* The Super Bowl-winning Giants have one player in this game, Osi Umenyiora. The Cowboys have every starter except Nate Newton, who was voted to start but decided to stay home and sell pot.

* Last time Alan Faneca will be wearing a Steelers helmet?

* If Marion Barber were coming at me in this game, I'd give him the olay.

* Hey, whaddya know, it's Jeremy Shockey, getting soused in the skybox again. At least he's consistent. He's always either talking or drinking. Or getting stupid-looking tattoos.

* I'm going to miss the Hollywood writers' strike, because it's been a built-in excuse to watch more sports.

* Nobody suffered a career-ending injury in this year's Pro Bowl, so it looks like we'll have endure this useless charade for at least one more year.

* If I were a Vikings fan, I'd have to be over the moon because Adrian Peterson, who missed time this year with a leg injury, earned the MVP award in a useless exhibition.

* Pitchers and catchers in four days...

 

It's interesting when you look back at all the NFL dynasties -- Packers of the 60s, Dolphins of the early 70s, Steelers of the 70s, Niners of the 80s, Cowboys of the early 90s, Broncos of the late 90s -- NONE of them lost their last Super Bowl appearance. And really, that seems to separate the dynasties from the merely great teams.

The Cowboys in the 70s lost every other Super Bowl they appeared in, so they're not a dynasty. The Redskins of the 80s and the early 90s weren't a dynasty either -- their championships were spread out over 10 seasons, and included three different starting quarterbacks. In the last 12 years, the Packers and the Rams lost their follow-up Super Bowls, though the Rams' appearances were separated by a year. If they'd been able to win back-to-back titles or even two in three years, Green Bay and St. Louis would have had legitimate claims to the title of "dynasty."

Basically, these Patriots have the chance to be the first dynasty -- and they already are a dynasty -- to lose a Super Bowl. They probably won't, because of experience, but there's a first time for everything.

Mind you, the Pats can always return to the Super Bowl in the next few years, and start a new chapter. But no dynastic NFL team has ever lost a Super Bowl and then won another title. The Dolphins in the 70s lost their first appearance, but then won two in a row. What's this say about dynasties? It says they're always capped with a W -- to date, anyway.

You won't get NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to admit this, but he's rooting against the San Diego Chargers in Sunday's AFC Championship Game against the Patriots. Not because he hates Philip Rivers (though he must), but because the Chargers represent the lone remaining threat to a dream Super Bowl match-up. As long as San Diego loses, the undefeated New England will play either Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers, a.k.a., Middle America and the people who despise cheating, or the New York Giants, a.k.a., the team that gave the Patriots its biggest challenge all season, a Game 16 loss that was both high-scoring and exciting.

If the Chargers win, however, we'll get a Super Bowl we don't want. In fact, it'll ruin everything for everyone. But, since the Chargers already ruined the AFC Championship Game (by beating the Colts and thwarting the match-up that everyone wanted to see), I guess we should expect them to continue being selfish punks.

Consider this: If the Colts and the Pats were playing in the AFC title game, while the Giants and the Packers were playing in the NFC title game, these would have been the potential Super Bowl match-ups:

1. Colts versus Giants: In other words, Manning versus Manning. And yes, Archie would have done the coin flip. Who'd have watched: Everyone, even bin Laden.
2. Colts versus Packers: Peyton and the defending champ Colts versus Brett and his last best chance for another ring. Who'd have watched: Everyone, even Pats fans.
3. Pats versus Giants: Again, repeat of the most exciting game of the year. Oh, and that whole Boston versus New York rivalry thing, which even I'm tired of hearing about, and I'm a Sox fan (and we own your soul, Yankee suckahs!) Who'd watch: Everyone, even West Coast fans. You can whine about the East Coast Sports Bias, but there's only a bias because we're interesting, rich and smart, and you're not.
4. Pats versus the Packers: Evil versus good. Rematch of the 1997 Super Bowl. Everyone outside New England would be rooting for Green Bay. Everyone inside New England would be burning Wranglers in effigy. Who'd watch: Everyone, even Drew Bledsoe.

So, to recap, if the Chargers hadn't ruined everything, the NFL was all set to have a perfect Super Bowl match-up, regardless of who won the respective conference championship games. Instead, we have the possibility of these match-ups:

1. San Diego versus Green Bay: Everyone north, east and northeast of Tijuana would be rooting for #4 and the Pack. Everyone south of Tijuana would hear about the final score in early March. Who'd watch: Natrone Means and Lance Alworth. Oh, and middle America. But that's it!
2. San Diego versus the Giants: Yeah, we know: the blood match between the two guys who were traded for each other. On one hand, the loud-mouthed putz whose team does best when he gets hurt (Philip Rivers). On the other, the spoiled son of Archie Manning, who didn't want his sensitive boy to play in San Diego, where he might actually find a girlfriend. Rivers represents the Cobra Kai ("Get him a body bag, yeah!"), while Manning represents the legacy who gets into Yale with a 2.3 high school GPA. Who'd watch: Me, definitely -- hoping both these jackos humiliate themselves on the world's biggest stage.

So, congratulations San Diego. I'm happy you guys pulled it out with Billy Volek and Michael Turner leading the charge in Indy. But do everyone in the NFL (and indeed, the world) a favor, and step aside now. If you knock off the undefeated Patriots, the Super Bowl will be anticlimactic, and we'd all like to see a good, interesting title game, i.e., One without you in it.

Is there a bigger sham award than the Associated Press Comeback Player of the Year? This "honor," by its very design, raises the bar for Stupidest Barroom Discussion. Just consider its dictate: "The player named Comeback Player of the Year shows perseverance in overcoming adversity, in the form of not being in the NFL the previous year, a severe injury, or simply poor performance." Given that broad definition, my money's on Pacman Jones in 2008.

Greg Ellis of the Cowboys won this year's award (with 12 votes out of 50), after overcoming a torn Achilles' tendon and a position change. Good for him, it's nice he got healthy and made a successful transition. But what's interesting is that New England wide receiver Randy Moss -- who unabashedly admits to taking off plays and who basically pouted his way out of Oakland -- finished second with 10 votes, ahead of Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethslisberger (7 votes), who nearly died in a motorcycle accident AND had an emergency appendectomy, but returned this season, put up career numbers (32 TDs, second-best QB rating to Tom Brady) and made his first Pro Bowl. Did he "come back" from more than Moss did? I don't know, I'm not going to bother arguing one case over the other, because it's a moronic discussion. How moronic? Well, check out the other players who received votes for Comeback Player of the Year.

Brett Favre 5
Jamal Lewis 5
Bobby Engram 3
Patrick Kerney 2
Derek Anderson 2
Amani Toomer 1
Albert Haynesworth 1
Mario Williams 1
Andre Carter 1

Derek Anderson? What did he come back from? Watching Charlie Frye suck? It's ridiculous that these players above should ever be mentioned in the same discussion. I mean, what does Brett Favre, whom everyone loves and wants to impregnate, have to do with Albert Haynesworth? How are their respective situations the least bit comparable? Favre's main target, Donald Driver, managed to stay healthy this season, and Ryan Grant emerged as a viable running threat, so Favre and the Packers came back from mediocrity. Meanwhile, Haynesworth, who tried to play soccer with the head of a Cowboys lineman last year and was suspended for 5 games -- the most for an on-field incident in NFL history -- "came back" and didn't act like an anti-social deviant. Hurray!

America, we all know, loves second acts. It's an oft-repeated truism that we're a forgiving country. But for the Associated Press, the so-called bastion of journalistic integrity, to lend its name to this particular award is shameful. More shameful than lending its name to the Most Valuable Player award or other honors? Yes, by far. Why? Because there's no reasonable basis for discussing this award. The definition they use is so broad and flexible that Michael Vick might one day win it -- or, at the very least, receive a few votes.

Hey, I'm all for giving kudos to players like Greg Ellis. But when his work is confused with the work of Straight Cash Homey, then the conversation ground rules need to be redefined. Or, better yet -- the conversation needs to be canceled altogether.

The Associated Press needs to stop lending its name to the Comeback Player of the Year Award. The award is an insult to fans' intelligence and an insult to the Associated Press itself.

NFL:  Mike Tomlin's inexplicable decision to go for two points when the Steelers had closed the gap to 5 (28-23) with 10 minutes left in last night's playoff game helped cost them the victory versus Jacksonville. It's a well-known tenet of two-point conversion methodology that you only go for it when you absolutely need it, which the Steelers didn't in that instance. Later, when they led by 1, they were forced to go for it, because the Two-Point Conversion Handbook, known in public circles as Common Sense, says being ahead by 2 is no better than being ahead by 1, so you try and make the lead 3. As we know, the Steelers failed to convert, maintained a 1-point lead until the final minute, then lost on a Josh Scobee field goal - which only would have tied it if Tomlin had been paying attention on Sundays for the last, oh, fifteen years. Coupled with the highly questionable decision to let Ben Roethlisberger try to run the ball when a third-down conversion could have iced the game, and Tomlin had a terrible playoff debut last night. But hey, Bill Cowher spent the better part of his tenure coming up small in big games, so Tomlin shouldn't be worried about his job.

When it comes down to it, Pittsburgh didn't have the pieces for a Super Bowl run. They had a poor running game, atrocious special teams and a suddenly porous defense, which is a bad formula in January, particularly when your QB puts the team in a monstrous hole with two dreadful-looking interceptions and your head coach goes for a two-point conversion not once, but Twice, in a situation that merited an extra point. The Steelers still have the main ingredients for a Super Bowl team, but next year they need to stay healthy (Polamalu, in particular), fix their atrocious special teams coverage and draft a big ole offensive lineman in April.

MLB: I'm a populist when it comes to Hall of Fame voting. Frankly, I say the more the merrier, which is why I think Cooperstown should extend invitations to Jim Rice, Rock Raines, Goose Gossage, Bert Blyleven, Alan Trammell, Jack Morris and Dave Parker.

NBA: Hey, ya watch that Celtics/Pistons game last night?!?!? Yeah, me neither. Who cares about NBA games in January? They mean nothing, absolutely nothing. Really, what's at stake? Bragging rights? The Pistons and the Celtics will both be playing in the Eastern Conference Finals in June, so what's the big deal? Perhaps I'm just bitter and delusional because a freaking Detroit Piston drove my Knicks into the naked butt of Fat ####, where they remain lodged.

College hoops: Vandy beat UMass and remains undefeated heading into SEC play. I thought the Dores were going to take a step back this year after the departure of Derrick Byars, but this Ogilvy guy from Australia has been every bit the complement to Shan Foster. Any time you can start two players who can post 19-22 points a game in college hoops, you're going to be a tough out come March. Last year's Vandy season ended bitterly and dramatically, when Jeff Green walked made that bank shot in the Meadowlands, so here's hoping the Dores take the next step this season, i.e., don't get beaten on a questionable call that could have gone either way.

Books: I just read "Last Night at the Lobster" by Stewart O'Nan, who's probably best known in sports circles as the guy who, with horror master Stephen King, co-authored "Faithful," that Red Sox book about the 2004 season, which was remarkably boring, even to a diehard Sox fan like me. "Lobster" isn't much better. It's about the last night at a Red Lobster in Connecticut. The best thing I can say for it? It's short (141 pages). 

CFB: I haven't cared less about a national championship game since, well, last year's national championship game. Here's hoping Ohio State gets humiliated again. Then maybe they'll schedule some real teams during the regular season and stop getting the hopes of their fans up. The only college football is SEC football. Oh, and USC. Oh, and the Song Girls, they're important. Oh, and Knute Rockne. But that's it!

Pop culture: Let's talk about the The Coors Light commercials with the NFL coaches, shall we? Seriously, have you ever seen less (read: terrible writing) done with great material? You're telling me these writers have the rights and access to ALL the NFL's press conferences from the last few decades, which they're then free to mock and satire, and this is what we get? Those writers are stealing money, because that ad campaign is potentially hilarious and brilliant (if written by someone hilarious and brilliant. Say, me?) but it currently sucks, and those schmoes asking their "witty" questions are lame. Coors Light needs to wise up. Then again, it shouldn't surprise me, since Coors Light tastes like bath water and gives you the same buzz.

Politics: Wake me up when September ends.

When sports objects speak!

Needle: I carried steroids to Roger Clemens's butt.

Baseball: Babe Ruth was pointing to the closest bar.

Football: Forget the tuck rule, Brady fumbled.

Titleist: None of the balls ever liked Greg Norman.

Puck: We loved the red tracer, made us feel special.

Bowling ball: "Kingpin"? No, that's not an accurate portrayal.

Baseball bat: Bo Jackson deserved his fate.

Bicycle: Cycling is not a sport.

Football: Franco's catch was an immaculate incompletion.

Gas pedal: Don't be afraid to use me, Earnhardt.

Sunglasses: Only wienies wear shades at the poker table.

Tennis racket: You ain't broken a string till you've been broken by Sharapova.

Home plate: Holliday missed me.

Rim: Shaq's free throws are worse than Darry Dawkins's dunks.

Third base: Victor Martinez? I met him once.

Grass: Would you want to lay down roots in Pittsburgh?

 

 

Quick,  name the winning quarterbacks on the last six Super Bowl winning teams. I'll give you a hint: One of them is the backup quarterback in Dallas (Brad Johnson), while the other five - though actually three - are Tom Brady (3), Peyton Manning and Ben Roethlisberger, whose post-season records dwarf the combined playoff accomplishments of Tony Romo (0 playoff wins), Philip Rivers (0 playoff wins), Eli Manning (0 playoff wins), David Garrard (O playoff appearances), Todd Collins (0 playoff appearances), Vince Young (0 playoff appearances), Matt Hasselbeck (plays for Seattle, i.e., can't win anything in any sport), Jeff Garcia (supposed "winner" who's never won any big playoff games), and Brett Favre, who hasn't done squat in the playoffs since appearing in "There's Something About Mary" 10 years ago.

Be honest, can you really see anyone else but Brady, Manning (the good one) or Roethlisberger hoisting the Lombardi Trophy in Arizona next month? Of course not. So enjoy the playoffs, get excited when the Giants beat the Bucs and the Titans beat the Bolts this weekend, but really, try to maintain perspective. The only team walking away with the hardware on Feb. 3 will come from the AFC. And the only teams from the AFC that have a legitimate shot are the aforementioned three, because the NFL is a quarterback league, especially in the playoffs, and Tom, Peyton and Big Ben have seen and done it all.

 

The NFL released its list of 2008 opponents today, and the New England Patriots - with only four games scheduled against teams that made the playoffs this year - plan to go undefeated again next season.

Since the Pats play in the AFC East, they're of course guaranteed six easy victories versus the Jets, Bills and Dolphins. And thanks to the NFL's rotating schedule, which has AFC East teams playing teams from the AFC and NFC West divisions in 2008, the Patriots will get to kick sand in the faces of Oakland, Kansas City, Denver, Arizona, San Francisco and St. Louis. Their four games against 2007 playoff teams? San Diego and Seattle (because of the rotating schedule); and Pittsburgh and Indianapolis (because of the two matchups determined by the previous year's record).

Considering the 2008 schedules of other 2007 playoff teams - Pittsburgh and Dallas play 8 games each against 2007 playoff teams - it's obvious next year's New England Patriots will again be largely untested when they soil the sheets in the playoffs....an eerily similar fate to this year's team. 

    Congratulations to the New England Patriots, who became the first team in NFL history to complete a 16-game schedule undefeated. Along the way the Pats tied or set numerous NFL records: most points scored (589), most team touchdowns (75), most touchdown passes (50 by Yankee fan Tom Brady), and most touchdown receptions (23 by Straight Cash Homey). If the Patriots run the table in the playoffs, finishing the season 19-0, they will deservedly go down in history as the NFL’s greatest team. But if they stumble in the playoffs and don’t win the Super Bowl, they’ll displace the 1906 Chicago Cubs and the 2001 Seattle Mariners (currently tied) as the biggest “Yeah, but” team in sports history.
    Ask your great-great grandfather what he remembers about the 1906 Cubs. He’ll likely reply, “Tinkers-Evers-Chance. Great infield, great team. In fact, most regular season wins in league history.”
    That’s when you drop, “Yeah, but they didn’t win the World Series.”
    (They lost to the cross-town ChiSox, 4 games to 2.)
    Ask that latte-swilling, Mother Love Bone-loving, Seattle resident what she remembers about the 2001 Mariners. She’ll likely reply, “Ichiro, Rookie of the Year and MVP, first since Fred Lynn. Bret Boone’s huge head and 137 RBIs. Great team. In fact, most regular season wins in league history.”
    That’s when you drop, “Yeah, but they lost to the Yankees 4 games to 1 in the American League Championship Series.”
    In the histories of the four major sports, the Cubs and Mariners are the only two teams with the best regular-season records NOT to win titles. In basketball, the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls won 72 regular-season games and the NBA title. In hockey, the 1976-77 Montreal Canadiens compiled 132 points in the regular season and skated to the Stanley Cup. And the 1972 Miami Dolphins – before this season, the lone undefeated football team in modern NFL history – won the Super Bowl after winning all 14 regular-season games.
    If the Patriots lose in the playoffs, where will their 16-0 regular season rank on the all-time list of “Yeah, but” records? I’d say it goes right to #1. Haters of the Pats already arm themselves with the SpyGate qualifier, but that’s more sour grapes than genuine ammunition. But if New England doesn't win the Super Bowl in Arizona in early February, the Pats and their fans will go from chest-thumping peacocks to head-down mumblers. In recent sports history, the last team to suffer that kind of fate was the 1990-1991 UNLV team, which steamrolled everyone during the regular-season – and this after trouncing Duke in the title game the year before. But then the Running Rebs lost to the Blue Devils in the 1991 Final Four. Similar to the 2007 Pats, that UNLV team was widely despised.
    Given all that the Patriots have accomplished this season, it’s somewhat unfair that they now straddle the crossroads of two distinct fates – immortality or ignominy. If they win out, they’ll be the greatest team in NFL history. If they don’t, they’ll go down as the great “Yeah, but” team in sports history.
    Fans in Chicago and Seattle are no doubt rooting for the latter. And as a diehard Steelers fan, so am I.

    Sunday's Super Bowl will be remembered as a game of firsts, with Peyton Manning's first championship at any level, the first half-time show played by a 5-2 Jehovah's Witness, and the first title won by a head coach not guided by Satan.
    In accepting the Lombardi Trophy, the Colts Tony Dungy let it be known that it was God's plan that he become the first Christian coach to win a Super Bowl title, and while I have no problem giving props to a white-bearded guy who’s never been seen, Dungy disrespected atheists, pantheists, and meteorology students worldwide when he overlooked the biggest influence on Sunday's game: the rain.
    Ever since January 1975, when the Steelers won their first Super Bowl on the slick, wind-driven field at Tulane Stadium in New Orleans, the NFL championship game has been held in domes or warm-weather climates. The thinking is two-fold: fans pay a lot of money to see the Super Bowl, so they should be able to enjoy it in a comfortable environment; and NFL officials don't want the outcome to be unduly affected by the weather (even though both teams are playing in the same conditions). Consequently, we get a stadium mostly filled with CEO's and their snot-nosed kids, watching a sanitized version of America's favorite sport.
    During the regular season, about the only things that will stop an NFL game are lightning, terrorism, and a natural disaster like Hurricane Katrina. From week to week, teams have to adjust to wind, rain, sleet, fog, snow, poor field conditions, and temperature extremes, both hot and cold.
    Teams like the Buffalo Bills are tested when they have to travel south to steaming hot Miami in September, and the Dolphins face a similar challenge when they head north to frigid Buffalo or New England in December. Dome teams have to play outside, and slow teams have to play on turf; guys on steroids have to face guys who don't use performance-enhancing drugs; law-abiding citizens have to play against the Cincinnati Bengals: These kinds of variables all contribute to the sport’s interest.
    Who doesn't love watching football in the snow? Not only is this type of game picturesque, but there's a good chance that several people are going to biff hard. And isn't that what we want in a football game? We want hitting, slipping, and biffing, pretty much in that order. I'm not suggesting that every Super Bowl be held at Lambeau Field in Green Bay, or in conditions akin to the 1967 NFL Championship game, a.k.a., the Ice Bowl, when sub-zero temperatures gave players frostbite (and some so severely that they still can’t feel their fingers). But there's a happy medium between the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field and places like Miami and San Diego, which haven't seen snow since the last Ice Age. By no means am I recommending Cleveland, but what about places like Philadelphia and New York? I mean, we’re crowning the champion of professional football here, so why always end the season indoors or amid pink flamingos? *
    While no Super Bowl will ever present the rugged possibilities of a mid-winter game in Green Bay, Sunday's championship game was probably as close as it gets. Not only were David #### and Puddy from “Seinfeld” getting soaked in the stands (no doubt wishing “Rules of Engagement” had been picked up by Fox last fall), but the field was wet, the ball was slick, the footing was uncertain, and the game was boiled down to its essence. Namely, protect the football.
    I had no vested interest in Sunday's game, because I'm not a fan of either team and I didn't bet on the game. I simply wanted to see a close, exciting contest, and that's exactly what we got for more than three quarters – and mainly because of the rain.
    There were four turnovers in the first quarter alone, and every time the ball was snapped, you kept expecting a turnover or something wacky. When the Colts went to tie the game at 7, Tony Romo dropped the extra point, and by the time I took the dog out and came back inside, the Bears had fumbled, the Colts had fumbled, the Bears had ripped off a 60-yard run, Rex Grossman had thrown a touchdown pass, and the Bears were ahead 14-6. It was one of those games where nothing would have surprised me.
    Five years ago, in the so-called “Tuck Rule Game,” I watched in person as the New England Patriots beat the Oakland Raiders in a near-blizzard at the old Foxboro Stadium in Massachusetts. Because I’m a Steelers fan, I had no vested interest in that game either, but I simply wanted to see a close, exciting contest, and that's exactly what I got, right through Adam Vinatieri's game-winning kick in overtime.
    Vinatieri is now the kicker for the Colts, and just before half-time in Sunday's game, he had a chance to kick a 36-yard field goal, which would have put the Colts ahead by five. But Vinatieri, who nailed two Super Bowl-winning kicks for the Patriots, missed wide left in the driving rain, a foul-up indicative of this Super Bowl, which wasn’t pretty.
    But really, is football supposed to be?


* The next three Super Bowls will be held in Glendale, Ariz., Tampa, Fla., and New Orleans.

I used to think the NFL Hall of Fame was a joke, mainly because they have a quota for yearly election. The rules stipulate that at least 3 people, but no more than 6, must be elected each year, thereby guaranteeing that several Century 21 yellow jackets will appear on the dais in Canton each August. I used to think this silly quota allowed some less-than-qualified people (Howie Long, Bob Griese, Joe Namath, Lynn Swann) to make it in. But now it seems like they should eliminate the cap (6) and allow more, because there is a surfeit of qualified Hall of Famers, mostly from the 1980s and 1990s, who'll now have to wait several years for induction.

Perhaps I'm just too generous, but Derrick Thomas and Andre Reed should have glided into Canton on roller skates in their first years of eligibility. Thomas was a Pro Bowler 9 times in 11 seasons. He set the NFL record of 7 sacks (seven!) in one game in 1990. If he were alive, would voters feel more compelled to vote him in? After all, Harry Carson whined so much that voters finally caved. SEND THOMAS TO CANTON.

Andre Reed had 13 seasons, including nine consecutive, with 50-plus receptions, and that's exceeded only by Jerry Rice. He was elected to 7 straight Pro Bowls, and was the top receiver on the best AFC team of the early 1990s. SEND REED TO CANTON.

Sterling Sharpe didn't even make the list of finalists, and his inability to get serious consideration is the most baffling to me. Get this: In seven seasons, Sharpe was a Pro Bowler five times, led the league in receptions three times, in receiving TDs three times, and in receiving yardage once. In 1992, he won the receiving Triple Crown. In two postseason games, both in 1993, he had 11 catches and 4 touchdowns. He had 595 catches in his career, averaging  85 per year. He was the first receiver to catch 100 balls in back to back seasons, but because of a freakish neck injury, he had to retire early. With all due respect to Art Monk, Sharpe was better. Monk made 3 Pro Bowls in 16 years. Sharpe made 5 in 7 years. That's astounding. If Gale Sayers and Lynn Swann can make the Hall with a small body of work (in terms of longevity and accumulated stats), then Sharpe should too. SEND SHARPE TO CANTON.

Ray Guy. Punters are as much a part of the game as field goal kickers, so why is the best punter of all time still waiting, while guys like Jan Stenerud and Garo Yepremian are in? Guy was the first punter ever selected in the first round of an NFL draft, and he was All-Pro six straight seasons, 1973-1978. That means he was the best at his position for longer than Gale Sayers even played. SEND GUY TO CANTON.

No one can make a case for why Ray Guy, Sterling Sharpe, Andre Reed, and Derrick Thomas are not members - right now! - of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. They're simply the victim of numbers (no more than six). I####uy is a Hall of Famer, then he shouldn't be restricted by some silly quota. And if 40 electors are voting each year, and these guys are ostensibly intelligent, then they should be able to figure out a system to honor the men who deserve induction. If that means a crowded dais in August, then so be it. Better it be crowded than to have some widow accepting on behalf of her husband, as was the case with Reggie White and will be the case with Derrick Thomas some day. The same tragedy shouldn't be allowed to befall other greats. So lift the restriction on six and start sending all the Hall of Famers to Canton.

 

 

FOOTBALL
Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy on ESPN.com, says in his NFL preview: "Tiki Barber has been plugging away for 10 years, and even though he has 2-3 solid years left in him, he's quitting this winter to pursue other ventures. Um, Tiki? That was gonna be my move! You stole my idea! I'm outraged! Now I'm going to look like a copycat if it happens. Great."

So, seems Simmons has the same bug. If these two guys were granted one wish in the world, they would want to see their own funerals. "Oh, Bill, please don't leave us, Bill...all the plants will die!"

Don't get me wrong, I love Simmons. Ya know, when he's not mailing it in, which he did today with this lame volley: 18. Pittsburgh (2-4) The way Ben Roethlisberger's year is going, I keep waiting for him to show up as this week's celebrity cameo on "Studio 60."

How 'bout a little more respect for the defending Super Bowl champions? As in, be funny (the ranking is about right). Anyway, I won't bother breaking down his NFL picks. After all, his wife has the same record as him, so I can't. I just can't.

BASEBALL
How can the Padres let Bruce "Big Head" Bochy just glide up the coast to San Fran? Could this only happen in laissez faire San Diego? This guy just managed the team to consecutive playoff appearances for the first time in its history, and they let him skate, to go manage a team in their own division? What, were the Padres sick of paying for his special-order baseball hats? In terms of San Diego baseball history, this guy is basically their greatest manager, and now he'll have the opportunity to humiliate the team 19 times per season. And the Padres completely signed off on this, just let him walk. Unless #### Williams has washed up in a scotch bottle in La Jolla, and is ready to take over, this was a huge mistake.

HOCKEY
Cliff Ronning, Vancouver Canucks, Sega NHL '93. I will make you bleed.
Sorry, I don't read about hockey, but Cliff is good memories.

BASKETBALL
ESPN.com has a headline that says "Pierce has ruptured ligament in knee, will need surgery."
They might want to think about changing that. Ya know, now that all the hoops fans in Boston have considered suicide. (The Pierce in question is Mary, though you can't tell that from the headline.)

According to a story in USA Today....today....David Stern wants NBA players to leave their guns at home. "It's a pretty widely accepted statistic that if you carry a gun, your chances of being shot by one increase dramatically," Stern said.

So...only carry them at home, where your own family's at risk?

One of the Falcons who nailed Roethlisberger last Sunday supposedy made a snide remark about messing up the QB's plastic surgery. Since Patrick Kerney went to Taft, I'm ruling him out, since Taft men don't do that kind of #### (I assume). So that leaves Chauncey Davis and Ed Hartwell. You're on notice, gentlemen. Karma may not get ya, but my Superstar Madden player will, and I'm calling counter-trays until one of you ####es gets a blown-out knee. Have a nice day.

Edgerrain James said he can't believe the Cardinals are this bad. Dude, the team has won one –1!– playoff game since 1947. If the Cubs, Clippers, and Prairie View A&M combined their karmic history (and rosters) you'd get the Arizona Cardinals. He needs to be laughed at. Not in his face, of course, but still.

Tiki Barber says his retirement talk is not a distraction, and that Michael Irvin has no right to criticize him, because Irvin isn't a "character guy." Since when does snorting coke off a hooker's #### preclude you from calling a #### a ####? To say his retirement talk has no influence on the team is like saying that Eva Longoria's decision to leave "Desperate Housewives" wouldn't affect the plot. I mean, at some point ya gotta kill her off, no? And that means bringing in some fresh meat to fill her shoes. And so, that's inevitably what will happen with Brandon Jacobs. The Giants will want to see more and more of him, and maybe throw him into bigger roles, if only to see if he can be the man when Barber retires. Either that, or Tom Coughlin will be like, "Ahh, to hell with the lease mileage, we're turning this #### in at the end of the year. Ride Tiki into the ground!" Either way, it's ridiculous to say that talk of retirement doesn't affect the team. I don't know if, like Irvin, I'd call Tiki a quitter, since everyone has the right to say when they want to walk away from the game (ya know, as long as you don't do it on the eve of training camp). But Barber has to be wiser than that, otherwise it runs the risk of looking like a lame ploy to get the fans to say, "Oh, please don't leave us, Tiki. We're nothing without you." And I don't know too many Giant fans – males, anyway – who'd play that game. If you're gonna retire, retire. But be a man about it and keep your own counsel.

Perhaps the most overlooked subplot to Super Bowl XL is the fact the Seahawks only faced one 3-4 defense all season – Oct. 24, at home, against the Cowboys. To say the least, Seattle struggled in that game, against a Dallas defense that was good (#10 in the league), but not nearly as good as the #4 ranked Steelers.

Seattle eeked out a 13-10 victory against Dallas, scoring 10 points in the last 46 seconds. They won the contest, yes, but they struggled mightily on offense, in both the rushing and passing games.

Against the Cowboys, Matt Hasselbeck completed 23 of 42 passes for 224 yards. He had one touchdown – a one-yard pass to Ryan Hannam, with less than a minute left in the game – and two interceptions. He was sacked once and generally ineffective.

Shaun Alexander was no better.

Alexander rushed 21 times for 61 yards against the Cowboys, for a 2.9 yard average. His longest run of the day? 11 yards.

Other than the 42-0 blowout of the Eagles, when Alexander left the game early with 49 yards, the Dallas game was his lowest rushing output of the year. The Cowboys had a respectable run defense this year, finishing 15th in the NFL, allowing 110 yards per game. But Pitt finished 3rd, allowing a mere 85.5 yards per game.

Can we reasonably expect Alexander and Hasselbeck to do better against Pitt than they did versus Dallas? If Seattle struggled AT HOME against the Cowboys, a middle of the pack defense, will they fare any better against the Steelers?

Before the last 46 seconds of the game, Seattle had scored all of 3 points against Bill Parcells’ team. Trailing 10-3 with 2:01 left in the game, the ‘Hawks had managed a measly 208 total yards. They finally put together a decent drive at that point, tying the score on the Hasselbeck to Hannam pass (a drive that was helped immensely by a 22-yard pass interference call). But they only won the game because Drew Bledsoe threw an unconscionable interception that allowed Josh Brown to win it on a last-second field goal.

Before that Hasselbeck-to-Hannam drive, late in the 4th quarter, this was the result of the Seahawks first 12 possessions – against the only other 3-4 defense they faced all year:

Interception
Punt
Punt
Punt
Punt
Punt
Field Goal
Punt
Punt
Punt
Punt
Interception

Overall, they lost the time of possession battle 34:08 to 25:52.

Dallas had a decent team this year, but no one mistakes them for Pittsburgh, on either side of the ball. Researching that Week7 match-up – again, it was played in Seattle – you’d be hardpressed to say Seattle will feel comfortable facing an elite 3-4 defense.

Sure, Mike Holmgren and Ray Rhodes will undoubtedly review game film of that Dallas match-up. And they’ll point out to their players what to expect and point out what went wrong in the Cowboys game. But film is no substitution for live action, and the Seahawks haven’t faced a 3-4 defense in more than three months. So much is different in a 3-4: Players blitz from different angles, coverages are different, blocking assignments are different.

If the Seahawks could only manage one field goal in their first 12 possessions against Dallas, how will they do against Pittsburgh? The Super Bowl could be a blowout.

I find it amusing that some people are saying this is going to be a boring Super Bowl. These people have short memories, because the game has a way of always bucking conventional wisdom.

Last year's Super Bowl had a nice storyline, with TO and the Eagles finally making the game. But the Eagles choked down the stretch and the game wasn't as close as the final score indicated. But, because you had Owens the loudmouth on one side versus the charisma of Diet Pepsi Machine on the other, well, it was considered a good Super Bowl. But it didn't turn out to be.

When has the outcome matched the hype? Rarely. Moreover, whenever people say the game's going to be boring – Rams/Titans, Pats/Rams – it turns out to be great.

Let's look back at recent games and what popular sentiment was saying before the big game.

The Pats/Panthers: Was anyone excited for this one? You had the Pats – the most boring dynasty in sports history (sorry, but it is) versus the #28 television market, Charlotte. It turned out to be a great game though. The fourth quarter was replete with scoring and stupidity. Namely, John Kasay's impression of Johnny sweeping the leg on Daniel LaRusso. Vinatieri won it on a FG. I hate the Patriots, but it was a great game.

Bucs/Raiders: The storyline here was Jon Gruden versus his old team. Uh huh, say it with me: Whoop-dee-do! But you had the great offense of the Raiders versus the great defense of the Bucs. People expected it to be a great game. It wasn't. Rich Gannon morphed into Vinny Testaverde circa 1988 (when he threw 35 INTs) and the game was a blowout. The only excitement was watching Al Davis in his sky box, squirming like an ashamed father whose kid forgot his lines in the school play.

Pats/Rams. The Pats were double-digit dawgs and nobody expected THAT to be a good game, and yet it was one of the best Super Bowls ever. Rams, huge favorites, forgot that Marshall Faulk was even on their team. The Pats didn't. They punched him in the mouth on almost every play. Vinatieri wins it on a last-second FG. That's good stuff.

Giants/Ravens. People were amped for this game because New York was playing against one of the top defenses of all time. The problem, of course, was that meant Kerry Collins was playing against one of the top defenses of all time. Simply an awful game. Over before I even got drunk.

Rams/Titans. The story lines here were Kurt "Cleanup on Aisle 5" Warner and his ascension from grocery clerk to NFL quarterback and the resurrection of #### Vermeil's crying career. (For some reason, that Titans team reminds me of the current Seahawks team.) Anyway, you had a black quarterback (McNair) versus a Bible quarterback in Warner, and teams from two mid-sized markets in St. Louis and Tennessee. No one expected an exciting game, but it went right down to the final play, a tackle on the goalline.

This year, the big storyline (until a Seahawk gets arrested for soliciting an undercover cop) is Jerome Bettis trying to win a title in in his hometown, after nearly stamping his career with an "Oh ####!" Buckneresque play in the Indianapolis game. On the other side, you have, well, the Seahawks. Yeah, they're boring. But hey, so were the Falcons until Eugene Robinson, right?

Anyway, to say this Super Bowl will be less interesting than recent ones is just foolish. It has as many pre-game story lines (Bettis; Cowher; Steelers finally making the game) as recent title games, and it features a matchup that portends a close score. The Steelers shredded the Colts, Bengals, and Broncos through the air. And the Seahawks shredded everyone this year (granted, in the NFC Wast division).

So, anyone who says the Super Bowl is going to be boring, well, who do you root for? My guess is they're not playing in two weeks – and that they haven't been playing for several weeks already.

In short, you're a hater. My advice for the Super Bowl? Reserve your opinions until after the game. Public sentiment says the game will be boring, but when is the public ever right about these things?