Thanks to Dallas Clark's stubborn unwillingness to make a game-saving catch against the Chargers on Sunday, San Diego will now represent Mankind in the AFC Championship Game against the New England Patriots, a.k.a.,The Team Everyone is Rooting Against, even many Pats fans, though they're doing it subconsciously. Like many upstanding citizens, I felt Mankind's best chance for decapitating the three-headed Cerberus - Brady, Belichick and Gisele - was Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts. Manning, whose ubiquity is matched only by Beyonce, is hard to dislike, so rooting for him would have been tolerable. But rooting for Philip Rivers, Shawne Merriman and A.J. Smith, the general manager of the San Diego Chargers? Ugh, is there any way the game can be canceled?

Rivers is a putz. There's no two ways about it. You can attribute his trash-talking antics to a competitive nature, but I prefer to attribute it to human nature: Some people are tools, and some people open hardware stores. Rivers is Ace Hardware, and he's selling his wares 24/7/365. How else do you explain his actions at the end of Sunday's game when, with the game in hand and a Chargers win assured, he walks over to the stands behind the San Diego bench and talks smack to some well-oiled Colts fans, one of whom had the good sense to flash Rivers the international hand sign for "get bent"? That's Mickey Mouse stuff, and the kind of immature, asinine behavior that prevents me from rooting for Rivers and the Chargers. Maybe San Diego will realize it won the game with Ace Hardware on the bench, and so start Billy Volek.

With any luck, Rivers is so hurt that Volek will need to QB San Diego in next week's AFC title game versus the Patriots, a team predicated on cheating and outscoring their opponent -- and yes, necessarily in that order. I can get behind Billy Volek, because Volek's had as much success in the NFL as Philip Rivers, yet has the good sense not to act like Joe Montana after six bottles of Robitussin.

If San Diego wants Mankind to get behind the team in its contest versus the Patriots, the Chargers should start Billy Volek next Sunday in the AFC title game. He might not give the team the best chance to win, but he gives it the best chance to win with a modicum of class. So stay classy, San Diego: Euthanize Philip Rivers.

Until last year's AFC Championship Game, when the Colts finally beat the Patriots in the playoffs, the mantle belonged to Peyton Manning. Before that, it'd been worn by the likes of John Elway and Steve Young -- great quarterbacks who couldn't win the Big One, until of course they finally did.

With Manning's Super Bowl run last season, he finally shook the tag of big-game choker, something he'd been called since his college days at Tennessee, when the Volunteers could never get past both Florida and Vanderbilt in the same season. As a newly christened winner, Manning left some large shoes to fill, because the media -- in particular, the talk radio retards -- demand that one QB be known as the guy who can't win the big one. Given that, let's look at the candidates to replace Peyton Manning.

Eli Manning: With his name and pedigree, Eli should probably have the inside track on this. Not only does he have a propensity for being dumb at the worst moments, but he's got the humiliated body language of a long-time loser. Until last week's victory over the Buccaneers, the Giants had been one-and-done in the playoffs the last few years. That said, beating the Bucs wouldn't have been "winning the big one." So far Eli has set the bar too low. He needs to soil the sheets in an NFC title game - say, three years in a row, eh Donovan? -- before the rabble can start moaning about his lackluster play when the spotlight's brightest. Eli's safe for now, and if he can lead the Giants over the Cowboys -- on the road, against the NFC's #1 seed this week - he might even get laid.

Donovan McNabb: Perhaps it's unfair to discuss a quarterback whose team didn't even make the playoffs this year, but...wait, no it isn't. McNabb lost three straight NFC title games (which is like losing 3 straight NAIA title games), finally won one in January 2005, and then promptly threw up in the Super Bowl when the chips were down. So, four years, four big game losses: Fran Tarkenton made proud. McNabb should have slid right into Peyton Manning's seat after last season, but wisely chose to suck in the 2007 regular season, no doubt hoping media pundits would forget how often he's come up small in the past. We didn't forget, D-Mac. We're just waiting for you to crumble on stage in your hometown of Chicago next season.

Tony Romo: He's only been quarterbacking the offense in Dallas for a season and a half, yet it seems like Romo has been withering in big spots for years: He fumbled the extra point in last year's wild card game against Seattle, which would have tied it for Dallas, but instead sent Bill Parcells into retirement, then to ESPN, then to Atlanta, back to Bristol, and finally to Miami, where he fired Randy Mueller, Cam Cameron, Ray Finkle and Snowflake the Dolphin. Then, earlier this season, Romo got outplayed by Tom Brady and the Patriots in the supposed Game of the Century; threw 15 interceptions on MNF against the Bills; and now supposedly spent the bye week explaining the difference between chicken and chicken of the sea to girlfriend Jessica Simpson in Mexico. If the #1-seed Cowboys lose at home this week to the Giants, Romo Mexico will be the main contender for Manning's abdicated throne -- a meteoric rise for the Eastern Illinois alum, who never had the opportunity to lose the big one in college, since Eastern Illinois is a geographic region, not an accredited university.

Tim Tebow: In his inaugural season as Florida's starting QB, Tebow became the first sophomore to win the Heisman Trophy. But after leading Florida to 3 regular-season losses -- to Auburn, LSU and Georgia -- AND a loss to Michigan in the Capital One Bowl, it's obvious Tebow can't win the big one. With two seasons left in Gainesville, he has plenty of big games left to pad his resume, and assuming he goes on to a career in the NFL, may just go down in history as the sport's biggest loser.

Dan Marino: Plenty of NFL records (at least until a guy who could win the big one, Brett Favre, took most of them), but only one Super Bowl appearance for Marino in his career, and that was a loss to Joe Montana and the Niners. Unless he comes out of retirement, Marino will never be able to win the big one. "Ace Ventura" helped us to forget that, but only for 2 hours.

Philip Rivers: Great, you beat the vaunted Titans -- minus their two biggest offensive "weapons," Roydell Williams and Bo Scaife -- and you did it in convincing fashion...17-6, after trailing most of the game. Rivers's saving grace is that he plays for the current head coach most known for choking on prom night, Norv Turner, so if the Chargers #### out versus the Colts this Saturday (and they will), Turner will probably take the heat, while Rivers can simply go back to trash-talking the Mexicans who mow his lawn.

    Sunday's Super Bowl will be remembered as a game of firsts, with Peyton Manning's first championship at any level, the first half-time show played by a 5-2 Jehovah's Witness, and the first title won by a head coach not guided by Satan.
    In accepting the Lombardi Trophy, the Colts Tony Dungy let it be known that it was God's plan that he become the first Christian coach to win a Super Bowl title, and while I have no problem giving props to a white-bearded guy who’s never been seen, Dungy disrespected atheists, pantheists, and meteorology students worldwide when he overlooked the biggest influence on Sunday's game: the rain.
    Ever since January 1975, when the Steelers won their first Super Bowl on the slick, wind-driven field at Tulane Stadium in New Orleans, the NFL championship game has been held in domes or warm-weather climates. The thinking is two-fold: fans pay a lot of money to see the Super Bowl, so they should be able to enjoy it in a comfortable environment; and NFL officials don't want the outcome to be unduly affected by the weather (even though both teams are playing in the same conditions). Consequently, we get a stadium mostly filled with CEO's and their snot-nosed kids, watching a sanitized version of America's favorite sport.
    During the regular season, about the only things that will stop an NFL game are lightning, terrorism, and a natural disaster like Hurricane Katrina. From week to week, teams have to adjust to wind, rain, sleet, fog, snow, poor field conditions, and temperature extremes, both hot and cold.
    Teams like the Buffalo Bills are tested when they have to travel south to steaming hot Miami in September, and the Dolphins face a similar challenge when they head north to frigid Buffalo or New England in December. Dome teams have to play outside, and slow teams have to play on turf; guys on steroids have to face guys who don't use performance-enhancing drugs; law-abiding citizens have to play against the Cincinnati Bengals: These kinds of variables all contribute to the sport’s interest.
    Who doesn't love watching football in the snow? Not only is this type of game picturesque, but there's a good chance that several people are going to biff hard. And isn't that what we want in a football game? We want hitting, slipping, and biffing, pretty much in that order. I'm not suggesting that every Super Bowl be held at Lambeau Field in Green Bay, or in conditions akin to the 1967 NFL Championship game, a.k.a., the Ice Bowl, when sub-zero temperatures gave players frostbite (and some so severely that they still can’t feel their fingers). But there's a happy medium between the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field and places like Miami and San Diego, which haven't seen snow since the last Ice Age. By no means am I recommending Cleveland, but what about places like Philadelphia and New York? I mean, we’re crowning the champion of professional football here, so why always end the season indoors or amid pink flamingos? *
    While no Super Bowl will ever present the rugged possibilities of a mid-winter game in Green Bay, Sunday's championship game was probably as close as it gets. Not only were David #### and Puddy from “Seinfeld” getting soaked in the stands (no doubt wishing “Rules of Engagement” had been picked up by Fox last fall), but the field was wet, the ball was slick, the footing was uncertain, and the game was boiled down to its essence. Namely, protect the football.
    I had no vested interest in Sunday's game, because I'm not a fan of either team and I didn't bet on the game. I simply wanted to see a close, exciting contest, and that's exactly what we got for more than three quarters – and mainly because of the rain.
    There were four turnovers in the first quarter alone, and every time the ball was snapped, you kept expecting a turnover or something wacky. When the Colts went to tie the game at 7, Tony Romo dropped the extra point, and by the time I took the dog out and came back inside, the Bears had fumbled, the Colts had fumbled, the Bears had ripped off a 60-yard run, Rex Grossman had thrown a touchdown pass, and the Bears were ahead 14-6. It was one of those games where nothing would have surprised me.
    Five years ago, in the so-called “Tuck Rule Game,” I watched in person as the New England Patriots beat the Oakland Raiders in a near-blizzard at the old Foxboro Stadium in Massachusetts. Because I’m a Steelers fan, I had no vested interest in that game either, but I simply wanted to see a close, exciting contest, and that's exactly what I got, right through Adam Vinatieri's game-winning kick in overtime.
    Vinatieri is now the kicker for the Colts, and just before half-time in Sunday's game, he had a chance to kick a 36-yard field goal, which would have put the Colts ahead by five. But Vinatieri, who nailed two Super Bowl-winning kicks for the Patriots, missed wide left in the driving rain, a foul-up indicative of this Super Bowl, which wasn’t pretty.
    But really, is football supposed to be?


* The next three Super Bowls will be held in Glendale, Ariz., Tampa, Fla., and New Orleans.

NFL: Which team are celebrities rooting for in the Super Bowl?

Bears fans: Jim Belushi, BJ McKay, Paul Bryant, Smokey the Bear, Grizzly Adams, Winnie the Pooh

Colts fans: Mr. Ed, Barbaro, Black Beauty, John “Johnny ####” Holmes, Ron Jeremy, Catherine the Great.

By the way, after Manning wins the Super Bowl, we’ll need a new player who’s great in the regular season but comes up short in the playoffs. That guy used to be John Elway, but then he won a Super Bowl. That coach used to be Bill Cowher, but then he won a Super Bowl. And so there’ll be a void when Peyton gets the #### off his back this Sunday. To fill this ultra-important position, I hereby nominate Tony Romo. He’s already proven that he can soil his drawers in a big moment, plus he plays for America’s Team, which means we’ll get to talk about his failures on Thanksgiving every year. Meanwhile, he needs to strike while the iron’s hot and do some commercials for “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter."

NBA: When Kevin Garnett lowers his head and drives to the basket, he looks like Predator. That has nothing to do with race and everything to do with being bald, black, and shiny.

MLB: Well, the trade between the Red Sox and Rockies for Todd Helton apparently fell apart because the Rockies refused to chop off Byung-Hyun Kim’s middle finger.

Random quotes from NFL Media Day:

Tank Johnson: "No, dude, it's one in the barrel, six in the clip. Gimme that, I'll show you."

 Rex Grossman: "An Oedipal Complex? I don't even have a son."

 Tony Dungy: "#### the police."

Lovie Smith: "Mariotti molests collies."

 Brian Urlacher: "Yeah, I've stayed at the Paris Hilton."

Cedric Benson: "Robert Guillaume is not my father, no."

 

 

(Happy birthday, DM)

NFL: Good to see that Jerry Jones learned nothing from the Parcells experiment, and is set to hire another over-the-hill coach who lacks the firepower to keep up with young turks. Jones has supposedly targeted Norv Turner Overdrive as the next coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Turner, who turned Troy Aikman into Neil O'Donnell with a better offensive line, reportedly beat out Dywade Phillips, another great coordinator who has failed as a head coach. Turner, Phillips, Dave Wannstedt, #### LeBeau, and Dom Capers are fine coordinators, but why in the name of Barbaro do people make the mistake of hiring them as head coaches? Enjoy, Cowboys fans, you'll be looking for a new head coach in two years, tops, which is about the same time Tony Romo will have regained his confidence.

Overheard: Ronnie Lott's amputated pinky to Peyton Manning's bruised thumb: "Whiny little bizaatch."

Prediction: Brian Griese plays a vital role in Super Bowl XLI.

MLB: Why couldn't we have euthanized Barry Bonds instead of Barbaro? I'd have rather watched a racehorse challenge Hank Aaron's career homerun record than a guy who got his middle name (Lamar) from the black homosexual in "Revenge of the Nerds."

Roger Clemens Watch!!!!: "If somebody makes a phone call, and I think I can do it again physically, I probably could," Clemens said of playing in 2007. "The only reason why I'd continued to play was because of my teammates calling me.” And then Clemens added, "And that includes my old teammates at the University of Texas. I'll audit classes and forge my birth certificate. Anything to keep playing. Love me, please love me. Want me, please want me."

MLB: Remember in 2005 when the Red Sox ended the season against the Yankees, and those games really mattered (ya know, until the Indians soiled their mocassins)? Well, apparently the geniuses in the MLB scheduling office have since been fired, because this is how the Sox and Yankees will end 2007: Red Sox play six games against the Twins (from the Central) and Oakland (from the West), while the Yankees end the season with 18 straight game against the AL East. Nice job of balancing things, fellas.

Golf: Yeah, we get it, Tiger Woods is good, but stop with this talk of a consecutive wins streak. He still gets to pick and choose when he plays, and Eldrick has only played seven PGA tournaments since last summer, which qualifies him for unemployment in 48 states and Guam. Win seven golf tourneys in seven weeks, then I'll be impressed (but I still won't call it a sport).

College basketball: Vandy in the top 25, baby, and now the Dores play Florida on Wednesday, which means I have two full days before I have to eat crow. If I've learned one thing in life, it's you never pass up the opportunity to trash talk on the Internet, and so my prediction is Dores by 75!

(R.I.P., WL)

Instead of throwing the ball away and keeping the team in field goal position, so his "#### Kicker" could win the game, Manning takes a backbreaking sack, because he was trying to do too much. He'll never learn. The guy's not a rookie; he's a veteran. Throw the ball away and give your team a shot. Dungy had supposedly reined in his tendency to think the team could only win if he threw 49 TDs, but that wasn't evident today. Mediocre outting versus a mediocre pass defense, and then he makes a game-losing mistake on the final possession. I guess Eli is the Manning who knows how to win in the 4th quarter.