(Fort Myers, FLA) -- When I arrived yesterday at the Red Sox' spring training facility here in Florida, a beautiful media relations assistant handed me a sheet of helpful story ideas. She told me it's an open secret that baseball writers traditionally recycle the same spring training stories from year to year, so to save newbies like me from unnecessary exertion, the Major League Baseball media relations department has compiled a versatile list of tried and true story lines, useful in covering all 30 teams. As you'll see from this list, which I'm printing here at great professional risk, it's merely a matter of filling in the blanks and perhaps adding a few quotes.

Like you, I thought baseball writers actually worked during spring training. Turns out they just do Mad Libs.

* Due to visa problems in his home country of _______, outfielder _____ _____ will not be reporting to camp on time, said team spokesman _____ _____. "It's an outstanding traffic issue. An unpaid ticket. It's nothing really, simply paperwork. We expect him to be in camp soon and ready to go."

* Still battling the lingering effects of off-season surgery on his left ______, All-Star _____ baseman _____ _____ plans to go easy this spring, hoping not to reaggravate an injury that kept him shelved for the second half of last season. "It's a long season, ya know. If I'm going to be a help to my team in October, when we all hope to be playing, there's no sense pushing myself now."

* Mentioned in the Mitchell Report as one of the 89 players, current or former, who used performance-enhancing drugs, a contrite ____ ____ admitted to "mistakes in the past," but refused to go into detail about what exactly he did wrong and whether he considered himself a cheater.

* Several of his teammates were named in the Mitchell Report, but _______ shortstop _____ _____ refused to comment on what effect, if any, their public exposure will have on the team's 2008 campaign.

* Looking pasty and somewhat overweight, long-time hunter _____ _____ said he spent the off-season killing bears with a longbow on his ranch in north ______.

* Perennial MVP candidate _____ _____ says the _____ have a great chance to win the World Series this year. "If you don't come into camp thinking you have a chance, why come to camp at all?" he said. When asked if his assessment was "smack talk," ______ said, "Confidence isn't arrogance. If you can back it up, it ain't boasting."

* With his arbitration hearing scheduled for next ______, reigning National League _____ king _____ _____ said he expects to receive a fair salary. "Things are cool between me and _____ management," he said. "It's a business. They have to protect their interests, and I have to protect mine."

* To the surprise of everyone in the _____ camp, outfielder _____ _____ reported early.

* Unsigned beyond this season, veteran reliever _____ _____ says he intends to test the free-agent market, and has no intention of giving a home-town discount to the ______, for whom he's pitched his entire career.

* Incumbent ______ fielder _____ _____ says he's aware of the trade rumors surrounding him, and intends to compete vigorously with rookie phenom ______ _____ for the team's starting position and its leadoff spot in the order.

* Veteran designated hitter ____ _____ says he'd like to finish his career in ______, which signed him to an incentive-laden contract when no one else would. "I love it here. My wife and kids love the community too. It's our home now," he said.

* Manager _____ _____ says the team's April schedule looks rather _____, with three early series against division opponents. "Hey, we don't make the schedules, we just play the games they tell us to play," he said.

* Journeyman pitcher _____ _____, known for his bullpen antics and clubhouse spirit, says the groupies in ______ give the best ______.

Now that the Mitchell report has blemished the on-field accomplishments of so many players from the Steroids Era, "clean" players like Mike Mussina and Pedro Martinez are congratulating themselves for doing so well during that period of inflated power numbers.

Mussina, a 250-game winner during a major league career that began in 1991, said this yesterday of people (like teammate Andy Pettitte) who've admitted using performance-enhancing drugs: "That's just the decision they made. I feel better about myself because I competed against them and I succeeded."

Apparently Mussina had been down on himself lately, which makes sense given his 2007 season (11-10 record, 5.15 ERA).

Martinez, meanwhile, fresh off the recent news that he enjoys watching chickens peck each other to death, said his accomplishments -- 3 Cy Youngs and the near-beheading of Don Zimmer -- look even better now, given the revelations about the Steroids Era.

"I dominated that era and I did it clean," he said. "I can stand by my numbers and I can be proud of them."

Left unsaid by holier-than-thou players like Mussina and Martinez is how their silence (and that of many other players, coaches and baseball officials) helped contribute to the Steroids Era in the first place. It's quaint how they think that going about their business and not worrying about the actions of others somehow makes them inculpabe. Mussina feels better about himself? Of course he does, because now he can look down his nose at Andy Pettitte (a true big game pitcher, which Mussina never was) and think, "Well, I may have never won 20 games, a Cy Young or a World Series, but at least I didn't take HGH from my ailing father."

Congratulations, Mussina, you're a paragon of virtue. You may not have taken performance-enhancing drugs, but you didn't prevent others players from taking them either. Moreover, you didn't report their use to the league. But I'm sure a Stanford grad like you, who thinks Will Shortz is a genius, had no idea that other players in your clubhouse were dabbling, including Roger Clemens, Pettitte, Jason Giambi and Mike Stanton. Even if had you possessed those basic powers of common sense and observation, clubhouse culture would have precluded you from ratting on your them, wouldn't it? So you're free and clear. Free and clear to continue playing with cheaters and benefitting from their skills -- at the plate and in the field. And free and clear to ride their coattails towards that elusive World Series title, while making millions of dollars as a New York Yankee. And as one of them (Pettitte) gets dragged through the village square and pelted with apples, you can also stand above the fray and feel "better about yourself."

You're a real man among boys, Mussina.

I ought to warn you though: You and Pedro should not to pat yourselves on the back so hard. You're risking injury, which is particularly foolish in your walk years. And god knows the two of you have many more years to feel good about yourselves -- doing crosswords and watching cockfights, that is.

Cleveland Indians fans ought to be rejoicing about C.C. Sabathia's decision to postpone contract negotiations until after the season. The reigning American Cy Young Award winner will be a free agent after 2008, and the Indians had reportedly offered him a contract extension in the neighborhood of four years/$68 million. But rather than sign what he believes is a below-market contract (especially in light of Johan Santana's $123.1 million deal with the New York Mets), Sabathia will pitch his walk year without the insurance of a long-term deal. If you're an Indians fan, you have to love this, because Sabathia will be motivated and focused, leading a pitching staff that took the World Series-winning Red Sox to 7 games in the American League Championship Series, as opposed to the Sabathia they could have had, i.e., a paid, content Shaun Alexander clone, who leads his team to the precipice of greatness, wins an MVP award, gets paid, lands on the cover of Madden football, can't stay healthy, and is soon splitting carries with Maurice Morris.

Let the player stay hungry, I say. Last season, that's what the Red Sox did with Curt Schilling and what the Yankees did with Mariano Rivera, and it certainly motivated those two guys, albeit after some ####ing, posturing and threats to walk after the season. Listen, the player can pout all he wants, but it does him no good. If he's in his walk year, he needs to perform in order to get paid well in his next contract.

What good is it to lock up Sabathia with a $100 million deal right now? Sure, it'd be great for him. But I'm telling you, that guy'd weigh 350 by the All-Star break, and frankly, I wouldn't blame him. If you handed me a guaranteed contract worth that kind of scratch, where's my head going to be? On staying fit, healthy and motivated? Or on buying a small private island in the Caribbean? It's quaint to say that players are professionals and they'll go out and do their jobs, regardless of whether they're making the league minimum or A-Rod money. But the fact is, they're humans first. Ask any Bronze Age caveman: "If you knew you could stay back at the fire, eat, drink and fornicate all day, wouldn't that affect your attitude towards hunting?" Of course it would, because in the back of his half-formed cranium, he's thinking, "Man, I don't need this ####"
 
All you need to know about $100 million contracts are the names of the pitchers who've signed them: Kevin Brown, Mike Hampton, Barry Zito and, now, Johan Santana. After signing their deals, Brown, Hampton and Zito won as many World Series as Joba Chamberlain. Sure, Zito only signed his contract last year, but the Giants will be contending for titles when Brian McNamee lands his next job in baseball.

On the face of it, the Mets fleeced the Twins by sending them the poo-poo platter for Santana, who's won two Cy Youngs in the last four years. But the Twins' biggest mistake was not keeping Santana and making him pitch through his walk year. I realize the Twins can't afford to pay him the same kind of money that Cleveland can possibly pay Sabathia, but the situation is somewhat comparable. The Indians, who haven't won a World Series since 1948, probably have no intention of signing Sabathia to a 6-year contract in the neighborhood of $120 million, even after this season. Consequently, they've decided to make their run now in 2008, which is exactly what the Twins should have done. With Santana and Francisco Liriano, I believe the Twins had an outstanding chance to win the World Series this season. Instead, they trade him to the Mets for a bunch of prospects, while the Tigers improved greatly and the Indians remain hungry and on the brink.

 And what do the Mets get in Santana? They get a caveman with a full belly, who's supposed to be motivated by the opportunity to make his legacy in New York, winning championships.

Frankly, I'd rather have the hungry guy, motivated to get paid, rather than the paid guy, motivated to justify the money he's already received.

The Curt Schilling situation -- a 41-year-old pitcher who spent 7 weeks on the disabled list last season -- is a prime example of why you don't give multi-year contracts to players over 40. The Sox might be able to siphon something out of 38Pitches later in the season, or perhaps they're simply going to eat $8 million. But no matter, his situation doesn't influence the Red Sox as much as many people seem to think. A rotation that went Josh Beckett, Dice-K, Schilling, Tim Wakefield, Jon Lester/Clay Buchholz, now goes Beckett, Dice-K, Wakefield, Lester, Buchholz. Considering they had no idea what to expect from Schilling anyway (and hence, the one-year deal) is this second rotation precipitously worse? If this were October, absolutely, because Schilling's post-season experience is irreplaceable. But a week before Valentine's Day? And nearly six months before the trading deadline? Yawn. Wake me up when the Yankees find a true #1 starter, much less an aging #3.

The revelation of his injury -- in particular, its timing -- has many Sox fans screaming about the loss of Johan Santana, who got traded to the Mets last week for a Pinto, a cheese wheel and a half pint of Old Grand Dad. But let's be clear: Curt Schilling's absence this season would not have brought Johan Santana to Boston. If ya believe the Red Sox were dissuaded from making the trade because of the presence of a 41-year-old #3 starter with lingering health issues, who'd already said he was retiring after this season, well, I probably can't convince you otherwise. If Schilling had retired at the end of last season, the Red Sox still wouldn't have sent a Jon Lester and/or Clay Buchholz package to the Twins.

The whole point in hanging on to your young players is to allow them to grow into their roles, which these Sox pitchers now will, albeit quicker than expected with Schilling out of commission.

Topps baseball cards are hitting the market this week, and about one in every 70 packs will include a fake picture of Rudy Giuliani, the former New York City mayor, celebrating with the Red Sox on the field after their World Series win -- a liberty Topps took in creating various mock baseball cards this year, though Giuliani's will be the only one in wide release.

(For the full list of mock cards, see below).

Giuliani, a former presidential candidate, alienated some New York fans back in October by declaring he was rooting for Boston in the World Series -- "I'm an American league fan," he said -- and Topps ran with the idea, according to the Associated Press.

"We took that and thought it would make for a funny card, since the Red Sox won," said Clay Luraschi, baseball brand manager for The Topps Co. "We thought, let's put him in the championship dog pile."

Topps did something similar a year ago, inserting President Bush into the stands and Mickey Mantle into the dugout in the background of Derek Jeter's card.

Beyond the Giuliani card, the following baseball cards were created specially for Topps 2008, and sources tell me these rare and valuable pieces will be popping up in random packs as well.

* Rick Ankiel signing for a FedEx package.

* Kansas City Owner David Glass pushing a shopping cart out of Wal-Mart, filled with free agents who aren't good-value has-beens.

* Johnny Damon, his left arm replaced by the Bionic Woman's.

* Barry Bonds kissing the asterisk ball.

* Matt Holliday standing on first base, refusing to move.

* Moises Alou wiping his hands with a moist toilette.

* Mike Winters laughing at Milton Bradley as he writhes on the ground.

* C.C. Sabathia, his hat held straight by a neck halo.

* Brett Myers getting cold-cocked by his wife.

* Suzyn Waldman having sex with the New York Yankees.

* Eric Wedge burning a white towel.

* Clint Hurdle burning a white towel.

* Willie Randolph smoking a cigar.

* Manny Ramirez reaching into the Monster Seats to make a bare-handed grab.

* Joe Torre awake in the dugout.

* Sen. John Edwards chasing an ambulance.

* Jonathan Papelbon rooting through his dog's ####

* Roger Clemens on all fours in a pasture.

* Derek Jeter in a rundown between IRS agents.

* Julio Lugo in street clothes.

* Randy Johnson at the barber.

* Cole Hamels's wife.

* Jim Rice holding his Hall of Fame plaque.

* Steve Bartman in a White Sox hat.

* Ken Griffey Jr. in a china shop.

* Honus Wagner smoking a cigarette.

* Jeff Kent popping a wheelie.

* A-Rod holding the World Series trophy.

For the Record...

* The New England Patriots are the only NFL team to lose Super Bowls in two different helmets. No matter what happens Sunday, that'll still be true, because the Giants have the same logo they had in 2001.

* I hope to hear a "Yankees suck" cheer at University of Phoenix Stadium, even though I'm rooting for the Giants.

* Jason Kidd should be traded to the Knicks. Then he'll be the first person in American history to realize how good they had it in New Jersey.

* Roger Clemens looks more desperate and pathetic with every passing day. Now he's trying to deflect criticism of his late-career surge by comparing it to the careers of Nolan Ryan, Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling. I'm sure they love being lumped together with a guy who calls his ex-trainer on the phone, feigns interest in the kid's ill son, then secretly tape records the conversation, all in the unrealized hopes of getting the guy to recant his story that Clemens took steroids. Roger, the court of public opinion already made its decision: You and Floyd Landis should go bowling together.

* The Red Sox are reportedly going to wait until after the season to exercise Manny Ramirez's 2009 option ($20 million), which makes perfect sense. Last year the Sox irked Curt Schilling by waiting to see what kind of season he'd have, and so did the Yankees with Mariano Rivera, letting them play out their walk years without future job security. Both Schilling and Rivera stomped their feet, said they'd play out their last years and then test the free-agent market. So what happened? They performed like motivated pitchers playing for their next contracts, and ultimately re-upped with their respective teams.

In Ramirez's case, the Red Sox hold $20 million options on him for 2009 AND 2010. Considering Ramirez will be 37 in May of 2009, the $40 million he stands to make with Boston in those two years is much better than any long-term deal he can reasonably expect to sign somewhere else. Consider, if Ramirez replicates his un-Manny-like numbers from last year -- 20 home runs, 80 RBIs, and less than 140 games played for the second straight season -- the Red Sox won't be eager to pay $20 million to a 37-year-old slugger who plays terrible defense.

Most players would use this kind of situation as motivation, but there's no telling how Ramirez will react. Perhaps he'll sulk. Perhaps he'll ask to be traded. Or perhaps he'll realize that playing with incentive -- actually, 20 million incentives -- will bring out the best in him, and help him revert to his Hall of Fame-caliber numbers.

* Word is Hal Steinbrenner (the sane one) and Yankees GM Brian Cashman have convinced Baby 'Brenner (the smoking one) not to overpay with prospects for Johan Santana. While that's probably the wise choice, you just get the sense that Baby 'Brenner is gonna go ballistic in the press (probably on Cashman) if Santana lands in Boston or Flushing.

* Pitchers and catchers report on February 14, so wives of rabid baseball fans should expect sex, chocolate, and due dates around Thanksgiving. Let's make it a fecund year for baseball fanatics, shall we.

Some outtakes from today's Congressional baseball hearings:

* "I'm not here to talk about Roger's ####." -- MLB Commissioner Bud Selig

* "Mr. Fehr, please state for the record that your last name is misspelled, and that it's actually pronounced 'Fear' " -- Rep. Henry Waxman, D-Calif., chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform

* "Senator Mitchell, what would you say to a Red Sox fan who says, 'Great job nailing all them dirty, cheatin' Yankees'?" -- Rep. Stephen F. ####, D-Massachusetts

* "Gentlemen, last time we met was March 17, 2005, when we listened to unsubstantiated #### and missed out on green wings and half-priced pitchers at Applebees, so please don't waste my (bleeping) time again." -- Rep. Tom Davis (R-Virg), Ranking Minority Member

* "Yes, senator, I do think Fay is a rather sissy name for a sports commissioner." -- Commissioner Selig

* "Senator Mitchell, please explain a little something to those of who don't quite understand your 'unimpeachable' record: Why, exactly, would anyone listen to a fella from Maine?" -- Rep. Kenny Marchant (R-Texas)

* (Pointing his finger at the Congressional panel) "I did NOT sell a lemon to anyone, ever." -- Commissioner Selig

* "If you had to estimate, commissioner, just how small do you think their thingies are after all this drug use?" -- Rep. Waxman

* "I told you so!" -- Jose Canseco

* "Representative Marchant, why would I care if Tony Romo went to Mexico?" -- Commissioner Selig.

* "Commissioner Selig, do you think steroids affected Chuck Knoblauch's ability to throw to first base?" -- Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC)

* "My wife is pretty damn hot, isn't she?" -- Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio)

* "Can someone tell me once and for all: Did Roger Clemens's lawyer own and operate the restaurant on "Northern Exposure"? -- Rep. Christopher Shays (R-Conn)

* "Senator, it's been a long time since a grown man made light of my name, but thank you for that." -- Michael ####, general counsel for the MLB players union, and Fehr's point man on the steroids issue

* "Frankly, if some abscessed-butt athlete called my house, acted like he was worried about my son, then tried to trap me into recanting my story in a moment of weakness? All while taping it? Why, I'd say that boy's got a future in politics." -- Rep. Dan Burton (R-Indiana)

So, who's gonna win the right to get swept by the Red Sox in the World Series? A lot of teams have gotten better, including the Cubs, Giants, Brewers, and the Phillies. That said, it's still National League baseball, which means pitchers hit, managers double-switch, and inter-divisional rivals (the Giants and Padres) somehow think it's OK to let your manager just go from one team to the other with nary a whimper. How does that happen? Could you ever imagine Joe Torre going from the Yankees to the DRays? Or Francona to the O's? Impossible. The National League is like France, and we all know why.

Ya want proof that the NL is lame and has been for years? The best rivalry is probably between the Cubs and the Cardinals – and the Cubs haven't been to a World Series since 1945!

Dodgers/Giants? Please, Jason Schmidt went from SF to LA and no one cared in SF, probably because fans were too busy trying to get plastic bags outlawed at the local A&P.

Mets/Braves? Maybe if either team signs John Rocker. Otherwise, these teams share as much memorable history as the Newark Bears/Bridgeport Bluefish.

I won't say the National League is Quadruple A, since that phrase was beaten to death like Barbaro last year, but the league is definitely boring. And that's even taking into account the circus surrounding Barry Bonds.

Seriously, an NL team needs to pony up and be the organization that gets the next great Japanese import. The last three – Dice-K, Matsui, and Ichiro – all landed in the AL. Not since Nomomania has an NL team landed that kind of media darling.

I know the Cards had a World Series handed to, I mean a World Series parade last year, but come on, win a freakin' All-Star game already, ya humps.

Order of finish:

NL East: Braves, Mets, Phillies, Fish, and Expos

NL Central: Brewers, Cubs, Cards, Astros, and some team I can't remember

NL West: Not the Rockies.

Awards:

MVP: Chase Utley

Cy Young: Jason Schmidt

Rookie of the Year: Probably some overrated hump from a crappy team like the Marlins, who'll amount to somewhere between Jeff Conine and Mike Lowell in three years.

Comeback Player of the Year: Mark Prior.

Batting champion: Poo-holes

Home run champion: Carlos Lee

RBI champion: Carlos Lee

Singles champion: Juan Pierre

Doubles champion: Pam Shriver and Martina Navratilova

Triples champion: Juan Pierre

Wins leader: Jason Schmidt

Ks leader: Carlos Zambrano

Saves leader: Some guy who'll be his crappy team's lone rep in the All-Star game in San Francisco

ERA champ: Kyle Lohse. He in the NL these days, right? Well, he should be.

Tomorrow...no preview!