NFL: If Jim Zorn can teach Jason Campbell to throw left-handed, then his hiring makes sense.
NHL: Sadly, if you ask me what's been going on in hockey lately, I'll say players are purse-snatching, Sidney Crosby's still injured and some guy almost got decapitated by another player's skate. That's about it.
NBA: Word is the Knicks are shopping Zach Randolph and Eddie Curry. They should send them to the Lakers for an autographed copy of "Fletch Lives," and send Gregg Popovich a wheel of Jarlsberg cheese, to enjoy with his whine.
NBA 2: Watched "Little Children" with Kate Winslet yesterday. Steve Nash should have won an Oscar for his role as the child molester.
Golf: "A tradition unlike any other...January commercials for April's Masters."
Sportswriting: I think it's official: Bill Simmons has completely crossed over. When he first arrived at ESPN early this decade, he provided a unique perspective -- the fan's perspective. It was something of a public trust. We could relate to him (or, I could anyway) because he rooted for teams that sucked. Now his teams are all successful and (this is the capper) he actually planned to spend the Super Bowl after-party hanging out with Brady and Gisele, whom he knows through mutual friends. Um, what? Who can relate to this? Sorry, Bill, but you've lost the public trust. ESPN needs to start over here. They need to replace Simmons with a writer whose teams mostly suck and who'll never get invited to hang out with celebrities. In short, they need to replace him with me. And then, as soon as Vanderbilt wins a bowl game (which should happen in the next 10-25 years), they should replace me with someone else. Say, a sportswriter from Cleveland or Seattle?
NASCAR: This is only the 50th running of the Daytona 500? Perhaps by the 75th I'll understand the attraction.
MLB: My question is not for Roger Clemens or Brian McNamee, but for Clemens's wife, Debbie. If it's true that McNamee injected her with HGH, it stands to reason that she knows that McNamee injected her husband as well, and that her husband will be lying to Congress. If he does that, he might be facing jail time, which will not only ruin the family's reputation, but make holiday plans a bit dicey for the foreseeable future. Given that, I'd love to know," What advice, Debbie, do you have for your husband in advance of tomorrow's hearing?" Really, if she knows he's lying, and she knows the consequences, then what's that say about her?
Apropos of nothing (?): God makes 'em and he matches 'em.
College hoops: I wrote about this a few weeks ago in my blog, and zero commenters were good enough to leave their thoughts, but does anyone really expect Memphis, a team that shoots under 60 percent from the foul line collectively, to go undefeated this season? That's like expecting a football team to go undefeated when it can't make field goals from more than 45 yards. Eventually, your weaknesses are going to be exposed.
A lot of people whine about the two-week layoff between the NFL championship games and the Super Bowl, which is great for the players, coaches and team officials (who can make ticket arrangements and hotel accommodations for their friends and loved ones), but which annoys the average fan. Unfortunately, this extra week is here to stay, so all we can do is grin and bear it and wait for the first player to get arrested in Arizona.
This two-week layoff is perhaps the most unbearable down time in sports -- but by no means the only one. Here are some other times that try men's souls, in no particular order.
* The Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday following the first weekend of the men's NCAA basketball tournament. Arguably, the first four days of the tournament are the most exciting stretch in sports, with games from noon to midnight, the occasional upset, and just about everyone in the nation discussing their brackets. Even chicks with zero sports knowledge love the first four days of March Madness...but then it's over. And then we have to wait through Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (and even part of Thursday!) for the Sweet 16 games. Sure, those games are usually better match-ups than the earlier games, but you probably don't have to fake a head cold, lie to your boss and slink off to a sports bar to watch them either, and that's what makes the first round so magical.
* The day after the All-Star Game in baseball. Honestly, I despise the All-Star Break, but these millionaires need their beauty sleep, so I guess we have to live with it. I don't watch the Home Run Derby, which is a hackneyed premise, and I only watch the All-Star Game introductions and maybe the first three innings. The game's on Tuesday, so by Wednesday night I need baseball that actually matters. I mean, I've been watching my team play every night for three-plus months. Sure, there's the occasional travel day or rain cancellation -- but not for three days in a row!
* The Friday and Saturday after the Thursday night kickoff to the NFL season. This is like holding Christmas Eve on a Thursday, teasing your kid by giving him one present, then holding Christmas Day three days later, at which point your frustrated child simply wants to kill you and burn the remaining presents.
* When your team closes out its series and has to wait for another series to finish. This happens in the NBA and the NHL all the time, but the most publicized layoff in recent sports history involved the Colorado Rockies. Following a stretch when they won 21 of 22 games, including back-to-back sweeps of the Phillies and Diamondbacks in last year's National League playoffs, the Rockies had to wait while the Red Sox and Indians finished a hard-fought 7 games series (and then two more days -- 8 in total -- because MLB decided the World Series was starting on a preordained day, no matter when the two championship series ended). Colorado players spent the eight days making snow men at Coors Field, then got swept by the Red Sox in the World Series. Don't tell a Rockies fan that momentum is a myth. * The period between your fantasy draft and the start of the regular season. Usually you try to schedule your fantasy football and baseball drafts for as close to the start of the regular season as possible, but it doesn't always work that way. Consequently, you draft your team and then pray for several weeks, hoping the guys you drafted don't get hurt in meaningless exhibition games, thereby ruining your chances to look like a genius. This probably applies equally to fantasy basketball, fantasy hockey and fantasy NASCAR, but I've never participated in those leagues.
* In Major League Baseball, the two-plus weeks of interleague play every June. Good god alive, has the novelty worn off yet? This year, between June 13 and June 29, my team, the Boston Red Sox, play the Cincinnati Reds, the Philadelphia Phillies, the St. Louis Cardinals (hurray, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver on the Saturday Game of the Week!), the Arizona Diamondbacks and the Houston Astros. I know I shouldn't complain, since that's 15 easy wins. But still.
* The day AFTER opening day in baseball. Listen, I know why the teams schedule an off day between opening day and the second game of the year (it's in case opening day is rained out). But that doesn't eradicate the fact that I go from cloud nine to limbo in less than 24 hours. * The layoff before bowl games. Ohio State was off for more than 50 days before losing to LSU in the BCS Championship Game, but frankly, I don't care that much about this kind of stretch. After all, it's been more than 9000 days since my alma mater, Vanderbilt, even went to a bowl game.
One of the more annoying constants in television sports journalism is when commentators refer to former coaches and current talking heads as "coach." I know it's supposed to be a form of respect, but too often it sounds like ####-kissing. Listen to Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic continually addressing Mike Ditka in this manner. Or Jay Bilas giving this nod to Digger Phelps, who hasn't prowled a sideline since the early 90s. Ya don't hear Phelps turning to Bilas and saying, "Great point, Attorney Bilas," even though Bilas holds a law degree from Duke.
Granted, if I ran into my high school basketball coach, I would undoubtedly say, "Hey, Coach Owen, how are you?" But that's only because I never called him anything but Coach Owen. If I were all of a sudden compelled to say, "Hey, Tim, how's it hanging?" or "Hey, Tim, I still freaking hate you," then things would be strange. I mean, that's like all of a sudden referring to the parents of your childhood friends by their first names. In my experience, it's easier to stick with Mr. or Mrs., if only because it makes you feel young while making them feel old.
"Coach" is definitely appropriate in certain contexts; for example, when Keyshawn Johnson refers to Bill Parcells by that title. After all, Parcells used to actually be his coach. But Terry Bradshaw referring to Jimmy Johnson like this? They're contemporaries and co-workers, so the charade sounds hokey. Then again, everything Bradshaw says sounds hokey, so maybe that's a bad example.
The case that brought this all to mind, however, is the case of Brent Musburger and former UCLA coach Steve Lavin, who were calling today's upset of #1 North Carolina. Throughout the telecast, Musburger -- who seems to think every possession is HUGE -- referred to Lavin as "coach," even though Lavin is 25 years his junior and currently calling games because he was a not-so-great coach at UCLA and has been out of work for five years.
Mind you, Musburger wasn't needling the 43-year-old Lavin. He wasn't saying "coach" in a sarcastic tone (though he'd certainly have been in his rights, since uber-recruiter Lavin got canned for going 10-19 in 2003). No, Musburger was probably doing it because he thinks it lends an air of gravitas to anything Lavin says. It doesn't. Just because Lavin used to be a coach, that doesn't mean his elders have to treat him like some kind of basketball poobah. Just because he led a team once (like #### Vitale at the University of
Detroit back in the 1970s), that doesn't earn Lavin a lifetime Coach
Card. Unlike generals or presidents, coaches don't get to keep their titles for life. Lou Holtz? He's Mr. Holtz. Unless, of course, he lisped at you at Notre Dame, Arkansas or South Carolina. In that case, he's certainly Coach Holtz.
Congratulations to the New England Patriots, who became the first team in NFL history to complete a 16-game schedule undefeated. Along the way the Pats tied or set numerous NFL records: most points scored (589), most team touchdowns (75), most touchdown passes (50 by Yankee fan Tom Brady), and most touchdown receptions (23 by Straight Cash Homey). If the Patriots run the table in the playoffs, finishing the season 19-0, they will deservedly go down in history as the NFL’s greatest team. But if they stumble in the playoffs and don’t win the Super Bowl, they’ll displace the 1906 Chicago Cubs and the 2001 Seattle Mariners (currently tied) as the biggest “Yeah, but” team in sports history. Ask your great-great grandfather what he remembers about the 1906 Cubs. He’ll likely reply, “Tinkers-Evers-Chance. Great infield, great team. In fact, most regular season wins in league history.” That’s when you drop, “Yeah, but they didn’t win the World Series.” (They lost to the cross-town ChiSox, 4 games to 2.) Ask that latte-swilling, Mother Love Bone-loving, Seattle resident what she remembers about the 2001 Mariners. She’ll likely reply, “Ichiro, Rookie of the Year and MVP, first since Fred Lynn. Bret Boone’s huge head and 137 RBIs. Great team. In fact, most regular season wins in league history.” That’s when you drop, “Yeah, but they lost to the Yankees 4 games to 1 in the American League Championship Series.” In the histories of the four major sports, the Cubs and Mariners are the only two teams with the best regular-season records NOT to win titles. In basketball, the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls won 72 regular-season games and the NBA title. In hockey, the 1976-77 Montreal Canadiens compiled 132 points in the regular season and skated to the Stanley Cup. And the 1972 Miami Dolphins – before this season, the lone undefeated football team in modern NFL history – won the Super Bowl after winning all 14 regular-season games. If the Patriots lose in the playoffs, where will their 16-0 regular season rank on the all-time list of “Yeah, but” records? I’d say it goes right to #1. Haters of the Pats already arm themselves with the SpyGate qualifier, but that’s more sour grapes than genuine ammunition. But if New England doesn't win the Super Bowl in Arizona in early February, the Pats and their fans will go from chest-thumping peacocks to head-down mumblers. In recent sports history, the last team to suffer that kind of fate was the 1990-1991 UNLV team, which steamrolled everyone during the regular-season – and this after trouncing Duke in the title game the year before. But then the Running Rebs lost to the Blue Devils in the 1991 Final Four. Similar to the 2007 Pats, that UNLV team was widely despised. Given all that the Patriots have accomplished this season, it’s somewhat unfair that they now straddle the crossroads of two distinct fates – immortality or ignominy. If they win out, they’ll be the greatest team in NFL history. If they don’t, they’ll go down as the great “Yeah, but” team in sports history. Fans in Chicago and Seattle are no doubt rooting for the latter. And as a diehard Steelers fan, so am I.
Reports indicate that Floyd Landis may be cleared of doping because the same technicians who found irregularities with his A sample also handled the B side, and that's a no-no in drug-testing circles – because authorities don't want to leave the impression that technicians will go out of their way to reinforce their previous findings. So, now that's that cleared up, we can get back to the real issue at hand, which is that pedaling a bicycle is not a sport, and this whole charade didn't demand so much freaking attention.
Congratulations, Floyd. You and O.J. are both vindicated, but that doesn't mean diddily squat to anyone with half a brain.
NFL: Small request: No more running blogs/diaries from the Super Bowl, please, and I'm referring mostly to the guys at Fox Sports and ESPN.com. I understand the excitement of being at the Super Bowl, and that excitement must give you the sense that whatever drops into your brain is worthy of printing, but if you've read one post about Media Day, you've read them all. So Peter Schrager, Bill Simmons, Adam Schein, enjoy Miami, get drunk, get a tan, hang out, have a good time, eat some steaks, make fun of the other reporters, who apparently aren't as cool or good-looking as you, but for god's sake stop writing about it. Maybe a running diary is your way of justifying your presence there, but maybe your bosses should wake up, save some money, and not send a dozen word #### to the Super Bowl every year. Half as many hacks, twice as many ha-ha's? Yeah, I think the execs should run with that formula.
College hoops: Went to the Park Avenue Country Club in New York City to watch Vandy play Florida last night. When I went out for my first smoke break, the Commodores were ahead by 12. By the time I got back, they were ahead by one. The lesson? Momma, don't let your babies grow up to be Commodores.
Hockey: Janet Gretzsky won large last night, taking the 14 1/2 points that Florida was giving Vanderbilt, who lost by 10.
Tennis: Maria Sharapova is wonderful to watch - as long as the television is muted. But is there a more annoying habit than these tennis stars – and Monica Seles started it, I believe – who grunt when they return the ball? I want the coach who started this trend drawn-and-quartered. That'll give them something to scream about. The fans have to be quiet when these primadonnas are preparing to serve, and yet as soon as the ball's in play, these players can start doing voice-overs for the ####e Channel?
FOOTBALL Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy on ESPN.com, says in his NFL preview: "Tiki Barber has been plugging away for 10 years, and even though he has
2-3 solid years left in him, he's quitting this winter to pursue other
ventures. Um, Tiki? That was gonna be my move! You stole my idea! I'm
outraged! Now I'm going to look like a copycat if it happens. Great."
So, seems Simmons has the same bug. If these two guys were granted one wish in the world, they would want to see their own funerals. "Oh, Bill, please don't leave us, Bill...all the plants will die!"
Don't get me wrong, I love Simmons. Ya know, when he's not mailing it in, which he did today with this lame volley: 18. Pittsburgh (2-4) The way Ben Roethlisberger's year is going, I keep waiting for him to show up as this week's celebrity cameo on "Studio 60."
How 'bout a little more respect for the defending Super Bowl champions? As in, be funny (the ranking is about right). Anyway, I won't bother breaking down his NFL picks. After all, his wife has the same record as him, so I can't. I just can't.
BASEBALL How can the Padres let Bruce "Big Head" Bochy just glide up the coast to San Fran? Could this only happen in laissez faire San Diego? This guy just managed the team to consecutive playoff appearances for the first time in its history, and they let him skate, to go manage a team in their own division? What, were the Padres sick of paying for his special-order baseball hats? In terms of San Diego baseball history, this guy is basically their greatest manager, and now he'll have the opportunity to humiliate the team 19 times per season. And the Padres completely signed off on this, just let him walk. Unless #### Williams has washed up in a scotch bottle in La Jolla, and is ready to take over, this was a huge mistake.
HOCKEY Cliff Ronning, Vancouver Canucks, Sega NHL '93. I will make you bleed. Sorry, I don't read about hockey, but Cliff is good memories.
BASKETBALL ESPN.com has a headline that says "Pierce has ruptured ligament in knee, will need surgery." They might want to think about changing that. Ya know, now that all the hoops fans in Boston have considered suicide. (The Pierce in question is Mary, though you can't tell that from the headline.)
A few weeks back, the Finalist assignment called for a Top Ten List. I wrote about the Top Ten sports months, ranking them July (10) to June (1). My refusal to mention racecar driving (except derisively) earned me zero #### points with the judges. So did my insistence on referring to jockeys as “midgets whipping horses.” Hey, I make no apologies; that’s just the way I roll.
And so is this:
I’ve now compiled a List of Ten Handi-capable Professional Athletes. (I say “handi-capable” because that’s what The Political Correctness dictionary calls them.) I came up with the names of these athletes off the top of my head, though I had to go back and research some of their backgrounds. For instance, “Three Finger” Brown….yeah, didn’t know off-hand (no pun intended) which one of his hands had only three digits.
The numbers next to the names don’t correspond to a list, per se, because who am I to say whose physical limitations were harder to overcome? I’m not in the business of ranking handi-capable people (and yes, that’s the last time I’ll use that term).
These athletes not only had to overcome their handicaps, but the rules and prejudices of the sports world, where the physically superior usually don’t like to admit that anyone less than perfect can or should compete with the stars.
Anyway, here are ten athletes who inspired awe. Again, in no particular order.
1. Jim Abbott - Baseball player
A 1988 United States Olympian from the University of Michigan, Abbott was born without a right hand. That didn’t keep him from pitching in the major leagues for 11 seasons though. To field his position, Abbott mastered the skill of switching a right-handed fielder’s glove to his left hand, which he’d do immediately after throwing a pitch.
Talk about multi-tasking.
His best year was 1991, when he won 18 games for the California Angels, with a 2.89 ERA. But his career highlight was a 1993 no-hitter against the Indians, thrown as a member of the New York Yankees. In 23 career at-bats, he even managed two hits…with one hand.
2. Diana Golden-Brosnihan - Skier
A lot of para-Olympians deserve our admiration, but I’m familiar with Diana’s story, and that’s why I’m mentioning her here.
Diagnosed with cancer at a young age, Diana had her right leg amputated when she was 12 years old. A lifelong skier, she had to learn to ride on just one ski. People make a big deal about Bode Miller, who once completed a competition run on one ski. But Diane did it all the time.
In 1988, the year the Olympics first recognized disabled skiers, Diana won the gold medal in the slalom. She was named skier of the year by Skiing Magazine and several other skiing organizations that year. But her battle with cancer was ongoing, and in 1996 she was diagnosed with breast cancer, to which she succumbed several years later.
In December, she was posthumously elected to United States Olympic Hall of Fame.
3. Dummy Hoy - Baseball player
Boy, it sure would have been great to be handicapped back in the 19th-century, huh? No one thought twice about referring to William Ellsworth Hoy as “Dummy,” the first deaf player in baseball history.
According to dummyhoy.com (and no, that’s not a joke) Hoy led the National League in stolen bases (82) as a rookie in 1888; compiled 2,054 hits over his 14-year career, hitting .288; and hit the first grand slam in American League history. All the while, he couldn’t hear a thing. Given how sensitive major league players can be to the razzing of fans, I’m sure some would envy him this “trait.” Still, imagine how acute his other senses must have been to compensate for the fact he couldn’t hear on a baseball field. Hoy was actually responsible for the introduction of hand signals from umpires, which were used to greatest effect by Enrico Pallazzo in “Naked Gun.”
I say give Hoy a plaque in the Hall of Fame. He ranks in the top 20 in career stolen bases, and twice led the league in walks, stolen bases, and at-bats.
4. Tom Dempsey - Field-goal kicker, New Orleans Saints
He had a withered right arm and a stump for a right foot, yet Dempsey still holds the record (with the Broncos Jason Elam) for longest field goal in NFL history -- 63 yards, set in 1970.
In high school, he played several sports, including wrestling, track, and football. Then, in college, he played defensive line. But it was in the NFL that he made the switch to place kicker, and started on the road to immortality.
Outfitted with a special shoe, which allowed him to swing his leg and drive the ball like a foos ball goalie, Dempsey caught on with the Saints in 1969. The following season he set the NFL field-goal record – breaking it by more than 7 yards!
Now in his 60s, Dempsey might have been able to help the Indianapolis Colts last weekend.
5. Pete Gray - Outfielder, St. Louis Browns, 1945
Gray was a one-armed outfielder who hit .218 in 1945, while most of the regular MLB players were serving in the Armed Forces. According to baseballlibrary.com, Gray lost his right arm in a childhood trucking accident. But that didn’t stop him from becoming a semi-pro standout in his home state of Pennsylvania.
“The naturally right-handed youngster learned to throw and bat from the opposite side. Batting with one arm, Gray sprayed line drives around the field. On the basepaths, he displayed speed and daring, and fielding was a study in agility and dexterity. After catching a fly ball, Gray would tuck his thinly padded glove under his stump, roll the ball across his chest, and throw, all in one fluid motion,” according baseballlibrary.com.
His one year in The Show was inau####ious, but during one doubleheader against the Yankees, Gray notched four hits, two runs, two ribbies, and nine outfield chances.
When servicemen returned to baseball after the war, Gray was sent back to the minors.
6.Vinny Testaverde - Quarterback
The 1986 Heisman Trophy Winner from the University of Miami, Testaverde was drafted #1 overall by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, where he suffered for six years, throwing a mind-boggling 35 interceptions (to only 13 touchdowns) in 1988. Fans thought he was simply a knucklehead, but Testaverde claimed he was color blind and that he couldn’t tell the difference between the Bucs’ jerseys (orange) and those of the opponent. Naturally the fans and the press were very sympathetic: one radio station erected a billboard that said “Vinny thinks this is red.”
The sign was blue.
Testaverde finally left Tampa, moved on to Cleveland, Baltimore, and later the Jets, where in 1999 he led the team to the AFC Championship Game. Over the years, he somehow trained his eyes to differentiate between his team’s colors and those of the opponent.
This past season, after a stint in Dallas, he joined the Jets again, for his 19th and final campaign. The kid from New York, who grew up idolizing Joe Namath, finished with a 35-26 record as the Jets starter, with more career touchdowns (269) than interceptions (261). Pretty impressive, especially when you consider Namath, who was not color blind, threw a lot more INTs (220) than touchdowns (173) in his Hall of Fame career.
7. Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown - Pitcher
Cubs fans who are over 110 years old certainly remember Mordecai – he hurled 11 scoreless innings in Chicago’s last World Series victory in 1908. The Hall of Fame right-hander, who won more than 25 games four times, lost the full use of three fingers in two farming accidents when he was little. According to cmgww.com, “At the age of 7, Brown was playing on his uncle's farm and got his right hand caught in a corn shredder. His index finger was amputated above the second knuckle, and his thumb and pinkie were both impaired permanently. While chasing a hog a few weeks later, he fell and broke the third and fourth fingers on the same hand, both of which healed unnaturally. This accident led to the distinctive nickname.”
The skinny on Brown is that his disability allowed him to put some mean action on his curve ball, which helps explain why he posted five consecutive seasons of sub-2.00 ERA.
8. Casey Martin - Golfer
Martin was born with a circulatory disorder that affected the flow of blood to his right leg, making it painful for him to walk. As such, he applied to the PGA for an exemption, asking that they permit him the use of a cart. But even so-called class acts like Jack Nicklaus got their Dickies in a bunch, saying the use of a cart gave Martin an unfair advantage on the course. Martin, who won an NCAA title with Tiger Woods at Stanford, was no slouch, mind you. He simply couldn’t walk long distances, unlike the other “athletes” on the PGA Tour.
So the PGA fought his application, which went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court. Citing the Americans with Disabilities Act, Martin finally won the case in 2001, earning the right to use a cart during competition. But, since no one else had earned that same right, half the fun of golf – crashing your cart into someone else’s cart – was rendered moot.
9. Curtis Pride - Modern-day outfielder
Pride has never been an everyday outfielder, but he’s forged a long-term career (bouncing between the majors and the minors) for his speed, versatility, and fielding ability.
“Deaf at birth from rubella, Pride developed #### skills early in his life and graduated from the College of William and Mary. He did not play baseball at college but was the starting point guard on the basketball team. He also was an excellent soccer player who played for the United States at the Under 17 World Championships in China (1985),” according to wikipedia.org.
He made his major-league debut in 1996, and that season received the Tony Conigliaro Award, which honors the MLB player who best overcomes adversity through the attributes of spirit, determination and courage.
10. Terry Fox - Runner
Fox, a Canadian, was diagnosed with cancer in 1977. Three years later, after losing a leg to the disease, he organized a run for charity called “Marathon for Hope,” as a means to raise money for cancer research.
I still remember watching his made-for-TV movie, in which friends drove along in a van behind him, while Canadians lined the route, cheering him on. Goosebumps, I tell you.
Outfitted with an artificial leg, Fox ran more than 3,300 miles in 140-plus days, averaging – averaging! – more than a marathon’s length per day.
Unfortunately, he never completed his coast-to-coast run across our neighbor to the north. The cancer spread to his lungs by September 1980 and Fox died eight months later, but not before serving as an inspiration to an entire country, if not the world.
(Note: I realize the majority of the athletes cited here were baseball players. It’s my favorite sport, so these names came readily to mind. No doubt there are many others – perhaps less famous, but no less important. Thanks, Crookdnose.)
I enjoy Top 10 lists and, given their proliferation, I’m obviously not alone. You’re channel-surfing and you come across Letterman flicking those blue cue cards at the television camera – and you stop. You’re flipping through the newspaper in December and the lifestyle editor has named the Top 10 movies of 2005, so you count how many you’ve seen and liked yourself. Any topic can be turned into a Top Ten list – even the Seven Dwarves. Don’t believe me? Well, maybe next time I’ll regale you with the Top Ten Alternatives Names for Sneezy, Dopey, Doc, etc. Right now I’m going to stick to sports.
Namely, the Top Ten Sports Months of 2006.
Instead of hitting you with stuff that’s already happened (like the Top Ten Contests of 2005), I’m encouraging you to mark your calendars because 2006, in my estimation, will go down as one of the best sports years ever. Sure, New York fans will say that 1969, when the Knicks, Jets, and Mets were champs, was the best year. Or perhaps Boston fans will say 2004, when the Red Sox and Pats brought home titles. But three upcoming events – the Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy; the World Baseball Classic; and the Men’s World Cup soccer tournament – will draw the eyes of the entire sporting world, not just the interest of Madison Avenue or New England.
The first of these mega-events, the Olympics, starts in February – which to most sports enthusiasts is traditionally treated like the redheaded step child of the calendar year. February is usually a fallow month for athletic diversion; in fact, the period between the Super Bowl and the beginning of March Madness has become known as The Dead Zone because there’s so little going on. Ya think it’s a coincidence that Valentine’s Day is February 14? The Super Bowl has just ended and the groundhog has just toyed with our emotional equilibrium. We’re helpless creatures, and the superior sex preys on our vulnerability.
“Fine, we’ll go to dinner for Valentine’s Day. And fine, we’ll cuddle on the sofa and watch reruns of ‘Sex and the City.’ ”
But not in 2006! No, this February is actually a good month for sports. In years past, a list of the Top Ten Sports Months would invariably exclude February and one other (reminder: there are 12 months in a calendar year). But this year is different and February cracks the Top Ten.
The following list, as you’d expect, is personally biased. I only watch pro basketball and hockey after Flag Day (June 14); I rarely watch golf or tennis; and I don’t watch NASCAR or any variation of drive fast/turn left. So if you thought the Indianapolis 500 was going to help May crack the Top 5, well, I’m sorry to disappoint you. (Perhaps when the drivers start pumping their own gas.)
Now, while most sporting events happen during the same month every year, that doesn’t mean my Top Ten for 2006 reads the same as 2005 or 2004. The list is definitely influenced by the three aforementioned mega-events, as well as the expectations I have in other sports, including the Pistons’ possible run at the Bulls’ regular-season win record and, a-hem, my own entry in the World Table Tennis Championships.
So let’s look ahead to what makes February a better 28 days than usual, and why July won’t be nearly as enjoyable for fans as my #1 sports month (hint: It has 30 days).
Top Ten Sports Months in 2006
10. July
Sure, baseball season is in full swing, but the fact that every sportswriter in America writes a column about All-Star Game snubs testifies to the dearth of enjoyable sports during the average July. And this year will be no different.
Yes, the World Cup Soccer Final is July 9, but the majority of the tournament takes place in June, so unless your country’s team has an actual shot at winning it all (and the United States doesn’t) then it’s impossible to watch the latter stages with the same level of enthusiasm.
The other supposedly big event that takes place in July is the Tour de France. I don’t know quite how to say this, so I’m just going to say it: I don’t get the attraction; not one bit. I know it’s huge in Europe, but I don’t understand how the stages work and I’m more or less averse to any sport that hinges on the movement of mechanical parts, including NASCAR and bicycle racing. Besides, Sheryl Crow is the sport’s number one fan. Give me some time, I’ll have a point.
Other July sporting events or developments:
MLB All-Star Game – “Because this time it counts!” (whatever).
NFL Training camp begins, and out-of-shape millionaires are shown sweating on SportsCenter each night.
The latter stages of Wimbledon – I only watch because my wife has a crush on Maria Sharapova.
MLB Hall of Fame induction ceremonies. I’ve been to a couple of these. Suffice to say, I liked Carlton Fisk before he started talking; less so when he wouldn’t stop.
9. August
In baseball, August is known as the dog days of summer. It should also be known as the mutt of sports months. As far as I can tell, there are only two events worth looking forward to in August: The release of Madden 2007 (typically a mid-August release) and The Lush League Fantasy Football Draft, tentatively scheduled for Saturday, August. 27, at my house. (Trevor, don’t forget to bring the Lushardi Trophy; your reign is over!)
Not only do I have Larry Johnson as my keeper, but I have the #1 pick in next year’s draft (because my team smelled like Pilgrims off the Mayflower this year), so you might as well engrave my name beside 2006 right now. To paraphrase Anthony Edwards in “Top Gun”: “No, no, no. There’s two o’s in Crook, boys.”
Other than that, there’s not much going on in this month named for Caesar Augustus. The NFL pre-season is in full swing, but the only excitement there is if a star player goes down and ruins your fantasy, I mean, his team’s season.
Of course there’s the NFL Hall of Fame induction ceremony on August 6, recognizable as you channel-surf because everyone on the dais is dressed in gaudy yellow jackets. Football: supposedly the manliest of American sports, yet its greatest players are welcomed into its hall of fame in the color associated with cowardice. Never made sense to me.
The month winds down with the finals of the Little World Series on August 27,around which time newspapers run requisite catching-up stories with Chris Drury, Danny Almonte, and Chico, the owner of Chico’s Bail Bonds.
8. May
Don’t get me wrong, I like watching midgets whip horses as much as the next guy, but when the two biggest events are the KentuckyDerby and the Preakness, it’s a lame month for big-time sports. Luckily the weather’s finally turned for good, so everyone can pursue their own amateur enthusiasms, like hiking and fishing. And really, with such “heavyweight” events as The NBA Draft Lottery (May 23) and the Indianapolis 500 (May 28), it’s a good time for these kinds of outdoor activities.
No doubt the baseball heads will schedule some nice rivalry games during May, like Red Sox/Yankees and Cardinals/Cubs. Otherwise, put 50 bucks on the midget in the pink silks to show, grab your rod and reel, and wait for June, when the playoffs in two major sports are finally worth watching.
P.S. Don’t forget to buy something for Mom on May 14.
7. February
Let’s face it, the NFL playoffs take place in January. Just because the powers that be like the two-week build-up to the Super Bowl doesn’t mean February should get full credit for hosting the championship game on Feb. 5 – the same day the NFL Hall of Fame announces its next class of yellow players.
No, February 2006 is saved by one event – the Winter Olympics from Feb. 10-26. If you can’t find a sport or two to follow here, well, you’re just not a sports fan. There’s hockey, curling, speed skating, snowboarding, and downhill skiing, in which everyone will wonder if Bode Miller is slope-worthy. No, I don’t watch figure skating, or any other “sport” that’s judged, but there are still plenty of things to keep my attention. Besides, pitchers and catchers report to spring training on Feb. 16, followed by the U.S. Curling championship(19-25) in Superior, Wisconsin, so we’ll have lots of things to be excited about. But, no, the NBA All-Star game (Feb. 19) is not one of them.
The U.S. Cross-Country Championship is being held the same day in New York City, and while it won’t be on television, I’m more likely to walk to the Big Apple and watch it in person than watch LeBron James throw alley-oops to himself off the backboard during the all-star game.
6. March
I don’t need to sell this month as sports crazy; it’s already earned the moniker: March Madness. But this year sports junkies have the added fix of the World Baseball Classic, when the sport’s best players compete for their respective home countries, including Derek Jeter for the United States, Albert Pujols for the Dominican Republic, and Alex Rodriquez for Switzerland. Soccer will have its spot on the world’s stage during the summer, but come March baseball will be foremost in international eyes. Meanwhile, college basketball will of course reign supreme in the United States. By the way, St. Patrick’s Day (March 17) is on a Friday this year, and coincides with the first games of the second-round of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. Yeah, I’ve already put in for a sick day.
5. October
I’m a baseball fan, first and foremost, so I definitely show favoritism towards October, when the MLB pennant races are winding down and the postseason warms up. Last year MLB had the good sense to schedule the Red Sox/Yankees for the last series of the year, and, in a nod from the baseball gods, the games were on track to mean something until the Indians collapsed and the wild card fell to Boston.
Granted, if you’re not a baseball fan (or you just happen to be a fan of the Pirates), then October is not a great sports month. But I’ve always been a fan of the Ironman Triathlon World Championship, Oct. 14, in Hawaii, if only because I can’t imagine subjecting my body to a personal Inquisition.
For hoops lovers, the NBA season opens onHalloween, and of course there’s the WNBA playoffs, which give Seattle and Connecticut fans the possibility of a title in some sport.
4. January
OK, I lied. I’m a football fan first and foremost. And while I think college bowls are a joke for the most part, professional football alone earns January the #4 spot in 2006. No doubt, if I’d have posted this Top 10 list back in December, January would not have earned such a high ranking (it’d have been #5). But the Rose and Fiesta Bowls, coupled with the NFL playoffs, are definitely influencing my decision.
Sean Taylor spitting in an opponent’s face?
Tiki Barber calling out the coaches?
Carson Palmer knocked out and Kimo Van O. the Most Hated Man in Cincinnati, where he played for six years?
Ya simply can’t match the intensity, story lines, and utter insanity, from players, coaches, and fans.
Now we have the Colts/Steelers in a rematch; Tom Brady and Bill Belichick bringing their 10-0 playoff record into Denver; and two Super Bowl- winning coaches, Joe Gibbs and Mike Holmgren, matching wits this weekend.
If that’s doesn’t get you jazzed, well, there’s bowling: The PBA Jackson Hewitt Tax Service Open runs Jan. 25-29 in Fairlawn, Ohio.
3. April
Opening Day in baseball is April 2, i.e., the day after April Fool’s Day. Perhaps the Yankees will actually win a championship this year. There are, after all, five-year-olds in New York City who are wondering if the Yankees will ever win a championship in their lifetime.
While April 2nd might still have me on the lookout for Saranwrap across the toilet bowl, I’ll probably be too engrossed in baseball and the finals of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament to even hit the head.
The following day we can expect UConn to play Tennessee for the 75th time in the Women’s Championship Game, as the national media begs us to be interested in the contentious relationship between Pat Summitt and Geno Auriemma. (Yawn.) Most likely I’ll be watching Opening Day + One and checking my fantasy baseball team every half hour.
April, of course, is also the time for the Masters, scheduled for the 6th through the 9th. Truth be told, this is the only golf tournament I always watch. It’s good theater, because it seems like every year someone is either choking or “exorcising past demons” at the Augusta National Green-Jacket Rental.
For pond lovers, the men’s D-1 collegiate hockey championship game is April 8 in Milwaukee (is this BC’s year?) and the NHL playoffs start in April and run until August. OK, fine they end in June, but it’s still ridiculous that the playoffs are nearly half as long as the regular season. Hence, I don’t start watching until Flag Day (if at all).
Finally, the World Table Tennis Championships run from April 24 to May 1 in Bremen, Germany. Hopefully ESPN360 will be carrying it live. No, I won’t be participating, but I will delude myself into thinking I could have returned each and every serve and volley.
The month closes with a two-day fiesta, the NFL Draft on April 29 and 30, when Mel Kiper Jr. unabashedly proves that he is not the descendant of Nostradamus. I think an NFL Draft Lottery Day would actually be more exciting than the draft, but I won’t go into detail here (check out my previous blog, titled “The NFL is blowing a great opportunity”).
2. September
Vanderbilt begins its trek towards an elusive bowl appearance when the football team visits Michigan for the opener on Sept. 2. That’s the great thing about going to a college that stinks in the major sports: You can root for them unconditionally and not be accused of bias, because nobody cares (or takes you seriously) when you say that the team is bowl-bound next year. Vanderbilt is the collegiate version of the loveable loser Cubs. But not after this year ! (OK, fine, maybe still…)
The NFL opens Sept. 7, probably with a rematch of the AFC Championship game, since they opened with the NFC (Eagles v. Falcons) this past year. If so, it’ll be the Steelers and the Pats. You decide who I think is going to win the Super Bowl in 3 weeks.
Meanwhile, the first few weeks of the month feature the U.S Open in tennis, and since my wife has a crush on Sharapova, I guess we can watch. I’ll toggle the remote between tennis and the MLB pennant races.
1. June
In short, pick your poison. Golf? Check. Soccer? Check. Midgets whipping horses? Check. June has a little bit of everything. Not only is the weather great outside, but the sports on television (or, if you’re fortunate enough to attend, in person) makes June the #1 sports month for 2006. Just check out this veritable cornucopia of sporting events and possible developments:
• May 29-June 11, the French Open in tennis, and Sharapova sliding around on clay.
• The Detroit Pistons possibly challenging the Bulls’ 73 wins.
• The NBA playoffs.
• The NHL playoffs.
• The Belmont Stakes on June 10.
• The men’s U.S Open in golf from June 15-18 in N.Y.
• The Grandma’s Marathon on June 17 in Duluth, Minnesota.
• From June 16-26, the College Baseball World Series (Vandy will win).
• June 27, the NBA Draft.
And finally, beginning June 9, the World Cup in soccer, which might be my favorite sporting event in the world. Believe me, that’s saying something, because I hated soccer when I was little. I mean, you run all the down the field and somebody just kicks it over your head, so you have to run all the way back. How frustrating is that? Regardless, I still love watching it, and the World Cup helps make June a sick sports month.
So that’s it. The two months I omitted were December and November. That’s not to say there’s nothing good going on during those months; simply a lack of beginnings and ends to seasons. And the beginnings and ends are always the best.
Enjoy 2006, and mark your calendars. There’s a lot going on.
(Note: I used a list of major sporting events published by the Chicago Tribune. To see the full listing, or to find the dates of events I omitted, follow this link:
First off, I am not a hacker genius. Here's what happened with The_Doc, step by step
1. I read the assignment from The_Doc at like 3:30 a.m. on Monday morning, because I got up to let my dog out. No joke. When I first read his blog, I was initially struck (as everyone else was) by how well it was written. And how quickly. I write on deadline and I know how hard it is to be creative on short notice. Consequently, I grew su####ious. So I simply copied the title of his original assignment and Googled it. And presto – the Ask Men article came up. I checked it and it matched (at that point, before Doc changed it) word for word. At first I was dumbstruck. I couldn't believe someone would do that, particularly a finalist. i didn't jump the gun and call him a plagiarizer (his subsequent actions prove he was.)
I copied the Web link to my computer (the same thing RogerCWallace has) and then I reported it to the judges, first by clicking Report This at the top of The_Doc's blog and then in the judges' blog – check the time stamp on the judges' blog from me, it says 12:41 a.m., which is 3:41 EST. I didn't call him a plagiarizer. I asked if he was Dave Golohktov, the guy who's credited with writing the Ask Men article. And I went to bed thinking he was. After all, his handle is The_Doc and Dave Golohktov on Ask Men is listed as a Fitness Expert. No big stretch to think a fitness expert is a doctor of some sort. I figured these guys were one and the same. I wasn't sure if he'd violated the contest by posting articles he wrote for someone else, but I also wasn't sure they were the same guy. Hence the open-ended question I posted to the judges' blog that closes, "Just wondering."
Then I woke up yesterday morning and The_Doc had erased my comments – BUT HE HADN'T ERASED THE ORIGINAL ASSIGNMENT. Consequently, I sent it to several people, including RogerCWallace and several finalists.
After that, The_Doc has been scrambling to undo his error. He's claming that somebody hacked into his computer and sabotaged him. Come on, what is this, an episode of "24"? More like it's an episode of plagiarism. I questioned his original assignment and then he tried to change it as much as he could. Simple as that. He was busted.
Look, I'm not in the business of narcing on people, but his little stunt, to steal a phrase from Latrell Sprewell, might take food off my family's table.
He plagiarized the whole thing, plain and simple, then changed it when I questioned his blog. Maybe if he hadn't posted the thing 3 hours after the assignment was handed out I wouldn't have grown su####ious. But not even Clark Kent on crystal meth can churn out something that good in 3 hours. I don't know why he did it. His other posts were quite good. That's for him to explain.
In closing, if the NSG judges don't kick him out, I want nothing more to do with this contest. It's a slap in the face to everyone else if he's allowed to continue. I'm not a hacker genius, I simply don't like to bust my butt and write my own stuff and then have some guy come in and post stolen material, then take credit for it with a smile. And I'd like to think that everyone else on here, who's written their own blogs, feels the same way.
It’s about as original as pointing to the sky and thanking God after He “helped” you hit a home run. Some day, one of these older coaches is going to blow an ACL running away from the bucket. You laugh, but these guys are sedentary creatures. They move with the grace and alacrity of an elephant in heat. I recently pinched a nerve sleeping, so you can imagine the kinds of aches and pains that Joe Gibbs wakes up with. The man is 66 years old! If they win today in Tampa, for Joe’s first playoff win in more than a decade, you know they’re gonna nail him with the bucket. And if he doesn’t blow out an ACL, he’ll at the very least resemble Golem, what with with his head all covered in fluids.
Instead of dumping Gatorade on the coach after a win, I'd like to see him clotheslined by a linebacker. That way you know that look of anguished surprise is the real deal.
(Btw, what happened to the phenomenon of thanking God in post-game interviews? How many times do you think Jim Gray, right before he sidled up to a player or coach, turned to his camera guy and said, “20 bucks he thanks God”?)
2. Make star athletes perform in skills competitions.
It should be compulsory, written into all league contracts. These guys are millionaire entertainers, so entertain me. You lose the right to decide when and if you’re going to perform when you put on the uniform. There's a reason they're called uniforms: You're supposed to abide by a code of conduct. Anyone who wears a uniform realizes this. Cops, military personnel, waiters at TGI Fridays. Ya think they like wearing all those pins and singing along for every Happy Birthday? Of course not, but it comes with the territory.
I realize athletes run the risk of injury by participating in slam-dunk competitions and home-run derbys. But, really, tough marbles. You're paid to perform. The slam-dunk competition was exciting when Jordan and Nique participated. But I'm supposed to care about the 12th man on Golden State, who wows 'em in practice with windmill dunks but yet can't hit a baseline jumper? In high school, I was known as the guy on my basketball team who knew how to take a charge. That didn't earn me much PT, and it certainly didn't earn me a trip to the high-school skills competition. (If invited, I would have gone.)
So, what’s the disaster waiting to happen? Unfortunately for the NBA, it's already happened. Instead of having Michael Jordan or LeBron James in slam-dunk contests, we get Jason Richardson. Yippee.
And why is that? Is there really a danger that one of these guys is going to get hurt while attempting a dunk? There's no one else on the court! They run through picks for 82 games and they can't jump a few times with no one else around?
Come on, if some player hurts himself in an NBA slam-dunk competition, well, isn't his fate sealed anyway? At some point he's going be that guy at a party who says, "Dude, hold my beer. Now watch this."
Hopefully MLB will make All-Star and home-run derby competition compulsory. And hopefully they'll only get the real sluggers, and make them hit for only a few rounds. I can only hear Chris Berman say, "Back, back, back, back....Gone!" so many times.
Meanwhile, why isn't there a skills competition for pitchers? Every county fair in the country has games where you throw beanbags through holes to win goldfish, and MLB can't come up with something similar for pitchers?
Don’t play an NFL Pro Bowl.
Football players operating at half speed is dangerous business. And while some of these guys take it seriously, others are in Hawaii to party and get a tan. Why run the risk of injury? Nobody cares about the game anyway. It’s not entertaining. It’s never competitive. Neither team cares if they win or lose. There’s nothing at stake, and the season is already over.
Fine, name a Pro Bowl team from each conference, and even fly the guys to Hawaii. They deserve the recognition and the opportunity to blow off steam at the end of a long season. But why play the game? One of these days a star player is going to suffer a career-ending injury. It’s bound to happen.
Eliminate fighting in hockey.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, it’s part of the game and it’s exciting, and having goons helps protect the star players. The arguments are familiar. But come on, we’ve all seen “The Last Boy Scout” with Bruce Willis. Remember when he killed that guy with one punch? Believe me, that can and does happen in the real world, especially when you’re fighting without gloves. In boxing, gloves are slick-surfaced and designed to slide off an opponent’s face. A fist is not. One of these days a star hockey player is gonna take a jab to the nose, and that’s it, boys, lights out. At this point, that’s probably the only development that would bring an end to fighting in hockey. Sure, star players need to be protected in all sports, but let it happen within the context of the game.
Institute instant replay in baseball.
The Yankees are going to lose a playoff game on a missed call one of these days. That’s all it will take for MLB to finally change its rules on instant replay. A winning run will score on a ####-#### play at the plate, a home run will be called fair when it was foul, etc. We can all imagine the doom-and-gloom scenarios. So, why not avert the disaster before it happens?
***
I'm sure people can think of other changes that need to be made in sports, but these are the five that come immediately to mind.
For the sake of Joe Gibbs, hopefully they'll be implemented sooner than later
