Last year I tried to mimic the female-thought process in making my picks for our NCAA office pool. Having observed that women always seemed to win these contests, I thought I’d figured out why: March Madness is completely irrational and so are women. Well, apparently there are some holes in my syllogism, because while tournament basketball is indeed unpredictable (and so are women), A did not equal C, i.e., success in my office pool. Seems no matter how hard I tried (or how irrational I was) I was unable to #### the distaff mind to an adequate degree. Perhaps I needed to cross dress while making my picks. And perhaps I shouldn’t have shared that.

Anyway, a woman didn’t win the pool last year. A man did. That’s just my luck: Roll out a cutting-edge theory and get COMPLETELY blind-sided by conventional wisdom.

Because the female angle was unkind to me last year, I’m going to temper my approach for this year’s picks. I’ll still stay in touch with my feminine side, but instead of acting like a completely irrational woman, I’m going to act like a somewhat irrational sports editor. The guy who won last year’s pool would probably argue that he used his head and made rational picks and that’s why he was successful. But he's a Jets fan, so how rational can he be? I mean, even women don’t root for the Jets.

Anyway, these are my first- and second-round picks, with accompanying explanations. Next week I’ll have my picks for the remaining rounds; or, if the selections below are absolutely awful, I’ll try my hand with the women’s bracket of the NCAA tournament. Who knows, maybe the secret to picking those games is thinking like a man.

ATLANTA REGIONAL – First round

#1 Duke over #16 Southern. J.J. Redick will be in an Aaron Spelling production before he makes an NBA All-Star team. What’s with his hair anyway? Does he swim to games?

#9 UNC-Wilmington over #8 George Washington. A lot of schools named after Founding Fathers were invited to this year’s tournament, including Washington, George Washington, George Mason, and #### Roberts. Founding Fathers are so passé, and none of them are going to do well.

#5 Syracuse over #12 Texas A & M. The Aggies sued the Seattle Seahawks over use of the 12^th man slogan during the NFL playoffs. Now they’re suing Syracuse for using a 12-man roster in this game.

#4 LSU over #13 Iona. LSU would be a great Scrabble word. I’ll have to remember that one.

#6 West Virginia over #11 Southern Illinois. West Virginia still has Kevin Pittsnogle and Johannes Herbert (pronounced “Hair Bear”). “Pittsnogle to Hair Bear, Hair Bear for 3! No, rebound to Pittsnogle, off to Hair Bear, back inside to Pittsnogle…”

#3 Iowa over #14 Northwestern State. Northwestern State, huh? OK, “What is Oregon?” I’ll take U.S. geography for a thousand, Alex.

#10 N.C. State over #7 California. Elizabeth Dole and Arnold Schwarzenegger have a friendly bet on this game. If North Carolina State wins, Arnold has to admit to the number of women he’s groped in the last two decades. If California wins, Arnold has to admit to the number of women he’s groped in the last two decades, but gets to add to it by groping Dole. What, that’s not politically correct? Well, neither’s voting for the star of “Total Recall.”

#2 Texas over #15 Pennsylvania. Sure, smart people go to Penn. But Texans go to Texas.

 

ATLANTA REGIONAL – Second round

#1 Duke over #9 UNC-Wilmington. New year, same story: Duke is good and everyone hates them. Wave to your enemies, Dukies.

#5 Syracuse over #4 LSU. A little face pant and a green wig and Gerry McNamara is playing point guard for Willie Wonka. Oompa Loompas still scare me.

#3 Iowa over #6 West Virginia. The Hawkeyes have four starters whose last names start with the letter H. West Virginia has no players whose last names start WV.

#2 Texas over #10 North Carolina State. #### Cheney doesn’t shoot his friends just anywhere. He shoots them in Texas.

 

OAKLAND REGIONAL – First round

#1 Memphis over #16 #### Roberts. Whenever I hear the name #### Roberts, I think of the bathroom. The Bathroom Reader, that is. Roberts, a TV preacher who made his fortune in the 1980s, built a medical center called City of Faith in 1982. “It was a financial disaster,” according to The Best of Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader. “In its first five years of operations, only two months were profitable.” By 1987, it was putting a strain on the rest of ####’s empire. “The Bible-thumper needed a lot of cash to keep afloat. That’s when he heard from God.” And soon thereafter, from that aunt of yours in North Carolina. The ministry was saved!

Twenty years later, here’s their basketball team. If my aunt mails in the balance of her life savings, maybe they’ll have a chance versus Memphis.

#8 Arkansas over #9 Bucknell. I miss Bill Clinton. I’m no bleeding-heart liberal, but at least he was interesting, intelligent, and charismatic. George Bush just got off the phone with #### Roberts.

#5 Pittsburgh over #12 Kent State. Take the Steelers. Roethlisberger is like 28-4 as a starter.

#4 Kansas over #13 Bradley. Omar Bradley. Milton Bradley. Bill Bradley. Bradley Whitford of “The West Wing.” If I could name a fifth, I might have taken them over Kansas.

#11 San Diego State over #6 Indiana. Steve Fisher, former coach of Michigan, now leads the Aztecs of San Diego State. Montezuma hated the Midwest.

#3 Gonzaga over #14 Xavier. Wow, a match-up of two Jesuit schools. My prep school campus had buildings named after both these guys. My science labs were on the fourth floor of Xavier. I hated climbing the stairs in that building. Nod to Gonzaga.

#7 Marquette over #10 Alabama. As a Vanderbilt graduate, I can never pick the Crimson Tide, which qualifies as the stupidest mascot name in college sports. OK, fine, the second stupidest (Commodores).

#2 UCLA over #15 Belmont. Belmont now has a Triple Crown horse race AND a basketball team. Meanwhile, Bridgeport has the Sound Tigers and a dog track. How is this even remotely fair?

OAKLAND REGIONAL – Second round

#1 Memphis over #8 Arkansas. In the early 90s, Memphis seemed like an up-and-coming city. First you had Marc Cohn walking with his feet 10 feet off of Beale. Then you had Tom Cruise moving there in “The Firm.” Since then, nothing. Memphis needs to market itself better. Coach John Calipari has the hair to be an Elvis impersonator, so that’s a start.

#4 Kansas over #5 Pittsburgh. Kansas holds opponents to a nation-low 36.8 percent shooting from the field, and making your enemies miss is a proven way of not getting dead.

#3 Gonzaga over #6 Indiana. Adam Morrison reminds me of myself from high school. Ya know, if I were a good basketball player and handsome in that 70’s porn star kind of way.

#7 Marquette over #2 UCLA. Marquette’s from Milwaukee. Mmm, beer.

WASHINGTON D.C. REGIONAL – First round

#1 UConn over #16 Albany. Does the Rudy #### jersey sell well on the UConn campus? Seriously, he’s arguably the best player on the best team in the country, but I don’t see too many of his jerseys in the student section at home games. It’s the 21^st century and people still have hang-ups about the No. 22. Clyde Drexler’s career was in vain.

#8 Kentucky over #9 UAB. UAB tries to be cute and deceptive with their little abbreviation, but they’re not fooling anyone. They’re still from Alabama.

#5 Washington over #12 Utah State. I spent part of my honeymoon in Utah. I’m not saying Mormons are weird or anything, but, well, they are.

#4 Illinois over #13 Air Force. Hopefully this game will be over quickly, so our pilots can get back to their stations.

#6 Michigan State over #11 George Mason. George Mason has been relegated to second-tier status among the Founding Fathers. There’s a reason for that: His basketball team stinks.

#3 North Carolina over #14 Murray State. The Murray State Racers. Since high school, I’ve forgotten the purpose of Avogadro’s number, the capital of Oregon, and the atomic weight of cobalt. But on my deathbed I’ll be able to tell you the nickname of Murray State.

#7 Wichita State over #10 Seton Hall. Dennis Rader, the BTK killer, is no longer terrorizing the streets of Wichita, so that has to count for something.

#2 Tennessee over #15 Winthrop. According to USA Today, Winthrop’s best wins were against Birmingham-Southern and Coastal Carolina, which sound less like schools and more like areas mentioned on Storm Chasers.

 

WASHINGTON D.C. REGIONAL – Second round

#1 UConn over #8 Kentucky. Texas Western beat Kentucky with an all-black starting lineup for the 1966 title. Maybe UConn will beat them with an all-#### student section.

#4 Illinois over #5 Washington. Imagine if the refs play an integral part in another loss for a Seattle-based team. It’s bound to happen in one of these tourney games, and my money says the victim is Washington. After all, when it rains it pours. In Seattle, anyway.

#6 Michigan State over #3 North Carolina. I hate to jinx it, but what happened to Michael Moore?

#2 Tennessee over #7 Wichita State. I hate to jinx it, but what happened to Al Gore?

MINNEAPOLIS REGIONAL – Play-in game

16a Monmouth/16b Hampton. I was always told that if you didn’t know an answer on the SATs, you should guess C. In the absence of that option, I’m leaving my answer blank.

 

MINNEAPOLIS REGIONAL – First Round                                           

#1 Villanova over the play-in winner. If I get this game wrong, I can take solace in the fact that everyone else did too.

#8 Arizona over #9 Wisconsin. I see that Wisconsin’s Kammron Taylor still has not corrected the spelling of his first name. I’m all for being unconventional, even eccentric. But isn’t it enough that your first name is Cameron? Why go the extra mile and spell it funny too? I mean, ya didn’t change your last name to Tailer, now did ya?

#12 Montana over #5 Nevada. Montana coach Larry Krystkowiak reportedly took his team to see “Brokeback Mountain” for inspiration.

#4 Boston College over #13 Pacific. Boston College sold out the Big East, stuck it to Connecticut taxpayers, and moved to the ACC. They represent everything I hate about college sports. I liked Chris O’Donnell’s last good movie though. Who-wah!

#6 Oklahoma over #11 UW-Milwaukee. I have no idea what a Sooner is, but I’m pretty sure Oklahoma had a good reason to adopt that mascot. But the Panthers from the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee? I haven’t gotten silly and watched the Nature channel in a while, but I know there are no panthers in Milwaukee.

#3 Florida over #14 South Alabama. “In Birmingham they loved the governor. Ooh, ooh, ooh. But we all did what we could do.” Whatever, ‘Bama.

#7 Georgetown over #10 Northern Iowa. Most of my family went to Georgetown, a school that rejected my application not once, but twice. But, hey, I’m willing to forgive and forget, mainly because Vanderbilt is now ranked higher by U.S News & World Report. Did my enrollment tip the balance in Vandy’s favor? Prove to me it didn’t.

#2 Ohio State over #15 Davidson. Davidson, a small school in North Carolina, hasn’t made the tournament since 2002. And who’d they face that year? That’s right, Ohio State. We have the makings of a full-fledged rivalry here, along the lines of Germany and Liechtenstein.

 

MINNEAPOLIS REGIONAL – Second Round

#1 Villanova over #8 Arizona. Good guards are usually the key to tournament success, and ‘Nova has great ones in Randy Foye and Allan Ray. In case you’re confused, that was a rational thought.

#4 Boston College over #12 Montana. BC has seen “Brokeback” too.

#3 Florida over #6 Oklahoma. I’m going to Florida next week to visit my parents. I’ve never traveled to Oklahoma, and I doubt I ever will. Unless I run for president in 2016, that is.

#7 Georgetown over # 2 Ohio State. What ever happened to “Behind the Music” on VH-1? Don’t kid yourself, you watched. Is it just me, or did its disappearance seem to coincide perfectly with the ascendance of NASCAR in the national consciousness?  Coincidence? Unt-uh. There ARE no coincidences. So, stop watching drive fast/turn left. I need an update on Motley Crue…who all went to Georgetown.

 

Thoughts while watching the Notre Dame/Ohio State bowl game…

4:30 The Auburn/Wisconsin game has just ended on ABC, so the Notre Dame game should be starting momentarily. I flip over to the 1996 National Spelling Bee on ESPN2, just in time to see a girl just misspell “celature.” Come on, that was easy!

 

4:35 Staying tuned for the Built Ford Tough Tostitos Fiesta Bowl pre-game show…

 

4:37 …this game won’t start until 5, which means it won’t be over until 8:30. No big deal, this is one of only two bowl games I intend to watch. After all, my alma mater, Vanderbilt, is not playing in one for the 23^rd straight year. At Vandy, students associate bowl games with swag weed.

 

4:43 According to a winter storm advisory on the top of the television screen, there’s a winter storm warning for Connecticut. Half the state can expect red stuff, while the rest of Connecticut can expect pink.

 

4:48 Profile on A.J. Hawk. Now that’s a football name. I wonder if he’s related to Tony Hawk. They look kind of similar.

 

5:02 Jim Tressel just told the sideline reporter that he needs a “stay” for his shirt. If I were a Buckeye fan, I might question my coach's priorities.

 

5:03 Ohio kicks off, 33 minutes after I thought the game was going to start.

 

5:04 Charlie Weis looks like Uncle Fester from “The Addams Family.” But with hair.

 

5:09 Darius Walker 21-yard touchdown run at 12:59, making Swiss cheese of the nation’s best run defense. The Fighting Irish strike first. ND 7-0

 

5:10 First Tostitos commercial.

 

5:10 My dog just pulled a branch off my Christmas tree and ran away with it. She seems to have sensed that I was supposed to take my Christmas tree down today, but have kept telling my wife I’ll do it later. My next effort at ESP: “Dog, go get me a beer”: nets me a PepsiOne. Good progress.

 

5:15 According to ABC, OSU’s game plan is “spread for speed.” Notre Dame’s game plan is “Find a way.” That’s deep.

 

5:17 Musburger says, “Get out the adding machine, we’re on the way,” after OSU scores on a bomb to tie it at 7. Yeah, Brent, you weren’t waiting to use that line.

 

5:18 Bathroom break

 

5:18:30 Vanderbilt could beat both those teams.

 

5:20 In the spirit of the Fighting Irish, let’s consider some other potentially offensive mascot names. First, there’s the !@#$%ing French.

 

5:21 My wife comes in, sees me watching the game, laptop at the ready, and asks, “How many witty things can you really write about football? It’s boring.”

Thanks, baby. Confidence is high, and I’m feeling very secure about myself and this effort. Why can’t she go watch something else on the other television, and leave me here with my delusions?

 

5:22 I’ve just been warned to never tell my wife, “Go watch Oprah.”

 

5:24 Musburger just called Weis “The Little Tuna.” Um, little?

 

5:33 Chrysler Passing Playbook. Do they have a Rolaids Call for Relief?

 

5:35 Brandon Hoyte enjoys reading and reciting poetry. Me too, Brandon, me too.

 

5:38 OSU fumbles and Notre Dame recovers on its own 15. ND has “found a way.”

 

5:40 Bill Parcells is mentioned again. Musburger says, "This is pure Bill Parcells" when ND goes for it on 4^th and 2 from like the 6. To hear Musberger explain it, Charlie Weis learned how to breathe from Bill Parcells.

 

5:42 Oh my god, Elvira is at the game. Oh wait, that’s Brady Quinn’s sister (and A.J. Hawk’s girlfriend).

 

5:43 My cheeseburger from lunch is repeating on me.

 

5:44 The OSU quarterback must be popular with his teammates; he has a lot of pot-leaf stickers on his helmet.

 

5:46 The !@#$ing Germans

 

Second quarter

5:50 My wife asks, “So why do they keep calling (Weis) Bill Parcells? Is it because he’s a big ####?”

 

5:53 Musburger says OSU's Ted Ginn  Jr. is "going to take it to the house!" about 20 yards and three re-directions before making it there. 

 

5:54 My wife asks, “What’s the name of the players that chase the running backs?” I reply, straight-faced, “The Chasers.”

 

5:55 The premiere of “Dancing with the Stars” is only two days away. My TiVo is already programmed.

 

5:58 The !@#$ing Italians.

 

5:59 Bowls I’d like to see: The Hamburger Helper Bowl; The Viagra Bowl;

 

6:06 The Aflac Trivia question is, “Who said I’m the best recruiter Notre Dame ever had?” My knee-jerk response is, “Probably Ronald Reagan. Or maybe the Virgin Mary.”

 

6:10 Did Musburger just say a player’s name was San Antonio Holmes? Actually, it’s Santonio. For some reason I’m reminded of that guy Shakespeare, who played for Miami a few years ago. How many times did that guy hear, “Nice play, Shakespeare”?

 

6:11 There is 8:59 left in second quarter and OSU just fumbled at the ND 9-yard line. I guess I can put my adding machine aside, at least for now.

 

6:15 Turns out Woody Hayes was the answer to the Aflac trivia question.

 

6:24 Sure, I’m an Irishman and I could easily grow a beard and be the Notre Dame mascot for Halloween, but I’ve never been a fan of the Fighting Irish. The school that is; I’m a big fan of pugilistic Irishmen in general.

 

6:28 I wonder who Maurice Clarett is rooting for in this game.  

 

6:33 More presidents hail from Ohio than any state. Yes, you can learn at Crookdnose too.

 

6:36 Philip Roth wrote “Goodbye, Columbus.” Who’s he rooting for?

 

6:40 I went to a bar for the ND/USC game and volunteered to be the one fan who was rooting for the Trojans. They loved me. Surprisingly, I couldn’t find anyone to high-five after Leinart won the game on a QB sneak.

7:08  My wife says the dog has asked her for a ride to the liquor store. I can't promise I'll make a second-half diary

Since Vanderbilt vanquished its athletic department a few years ago, the school's athletic program has been on a noticeable upswing. This season the team nearly qualified for its first bowl game since 1982; the baseball team nabbed the #1 recruiting class in the nation according to "Baseball America"; and the men's basketball team landed prized recruits that will make the team a tournament participant for the foreseeable future. Meanwhile, Jay Cutler, the team's quarterback, is discussed as a possible top 5 draft pick, which would raise the profile of the athletic department even more. Can all this be attributed to the decision by the school to bring the AD under the aegis of the school president's office? No, but it does seem awfully coincidental that Vanderbilt, long the doormat of the SEC, is creeping closer to the status of a Stanford, Notre Dame, or Duke -- entering the rarefied air of a school that is ultra competitive in academics and athletics.

Players like Cutler, freshman pitcher Josh Zeid of Hamden Hall in Connecticut (a flame-thrower), and cager Derrick Byars (a transfer from UVA) represent a new era in Vanderbilt sports. People said Vanderbilt was stupid to eliminate the traditional athletic department structure. But maybe it's demonstrating that the student/athletes (and not some overpaid, glorified booster, i.e., most athletic directors) are the best face of the school's athletic department. Time will tell, especially if other schools follow suit. In the meantime, Vanderbilt and its supporters must decide whether the new system is providential, or the newfound success is merely coincidental. Either way, there's rarely been a better time to be a Dores supporter.

         My relationship with basketball has run hot and cold. When I was younger, it was my favorite sport, both to watch and to play. I’d shoot jumpers for hours on end, alone, just me, the ball and a 10-foot rim. The presence of a net, be it cotton or chain link, was no consideration, because I’d happily chase those makes that didn’t go swish.

          Meanwhile, the fate of the Georgetown basketball team had a profound effect on my life. I attended John Thompson’s basketball camp for many years, and half my family graduated from Georgetown, so any Hoya defeat cast a pall over the homestead. When that unnamed school in Philadelphia beat Pat Ewing and Co. in 1985, I truly thought my life had ended. Luckily, fate intervened, and I remained alive to witness the Red Sox’ World Series collapse in 1986.

After that second heart-imploding experience, I developed a particular contempt for Mets fans who went to Villanova -- a demographic that is larger than you might expect.

Nowadays, however, my contempt for those fans seems like a distant memory. After many years wincing at the mere mention of his name, I now hope that Rollie Massimino has retired to some low-humidity climate, where he’s healthy and happy. (OK, maybe just healthy.) My point is I don’t hate anyone in basketball anymore. And that lack of hate stems from a disheartening development: I fell out of love with the game.

          In the somewhat irrational world of sports, hate is the yang to the yin of love. I hate the Yankees because I love the Red Sox. I love the Steelers and so hate the Patriots. If hate seems like too strong a word, well, you’ve never ground your teeth during a Notre Dame-Boston College football game, or considered whether Yankee fans have sold their souls at the crossroads, along with Robert Johnson, Jimmy Page, and Carson Daly.

          Unfortunately, when it comes to basketball, there’s no longer any give and take. I fell out of love with the game…and out of hate.

Mind you, this wasn’t a sudden plunge, attributable to one particular player, team or incident. Rather, it was a steady decline, attributable to two gradual developments: The deterioration of my own basketball ability and the evolution of the present-day game.

I broke my leg when I was a sophomore in high school, and never rehabbed it properly. Thereafter, my interests shifted to reading and writing. And believe me, that was no loss to the basketball world.

But basketball, at all levels, has suffered since I first fell in love with the game.

Nowadays high school players go straight to the pros, and yet have no concept of the game’s fundamentals; college rivalries have no time to develop because players leave early; and the pro game revolves around clearing out one side of the court, and then taking your man off the dribble.

          As recently as college I would argue vehemently that professional basketball players were the best athletes in the world, that the combination of requisite skills – strength, speed, stamina, hand-eye coordination, jumping ability, proficiency at both ends of the court (so long as your name isn’t Rodman) – separated basketball from other professional sports.  And I still believe that. Nowadays, however, you won’t catch me arguing about it, because these skills are only exhibited in rare spurts. When half the players are standing around the court, waiting for Kobe Bryant to take Rip Hamilton off the dribble, then I’m no longer marveling. I’m yawning. And I don’t argue about sports that put to me sleep.

          One of the reasons that basketball bores me is the absence of rivalries, particularly in college basketball. Where are the Ewing-Mullin matchups, the Georgetown-Syracuse hackfests? They’re nowhere, of course, because no one stays around long enough to hate each other. Sure, you can say that you root for the school, and not the player. But how boring is that? Besides, how much love or hate can a guy engender in one or two years, before he ships off to the pros? I pay attention to the names of college basketball players like I paid attention to the names of my substitute teachers.

          There was a time when I loved Georgetown basketball, while hating their rivals. Ewing, Reggie Williams, Charles Smith, Alonzo Mourning, Dikembe Mutumbo. Those guys played four years of college ball, and I followed their careers like a day trader tracking the NASDAQ. Heck, even Allen Iverson hung around college for two years, which was long enough for plenty of St. John’s and Syracuse fans to hate him. And, in turn, for me to hate them for hating him. It was lovely.

But the state of basketball has changed forever. Players go after the money as soon as they can, and I can’t really blame them. At the same time, can you blame a fan for falling out of love…and out of hate? Nowadays, I don’t love or hate anything about basketball. I’ve become the worst thing of all – largely indifferent.

 

Thoughts while skimming the USA Today sports page for Monday, December 12…

 

 

According to the lead story by Tom Pedulla, “Coach Bill Cowher was so concerned about the Pittsburgh Steelers’ state of mind that he read the definition of confidence to his players before Sunday’s game against the Bears.” When that didn’t get through to his players, team advisor Jackie Sherrill was brought in to castrate Jerome Bettis.

 

 

 

I refuse to learn where Valparaiso is located. Don’t tell me, I refuse to remember.

 

 

 

New Orleans has a basketball team?

 

 

 

Boston College lost to Maryland. I hope the Eagles gets busted for point-shaving. BC deserves something bad for screwing Connecticut taxpayers.

 

 

 

Atlanta has a hockey team? Didn’t the Flames move to Calgary? Wait, Columbus too? Whatever, hockey’s not a sport. It's a New York City subway platform on ice skates. Like basketball, hockey should only be played outside, in the elements. We all enjoyed “Mystery, Alaska” and “White Men Can’t Jump.” Maybe their pro equivalents would be more popular if they weren’t played in the controlled environment of Madison Square Garden.

 

 

 

Good day to be a Maryland bookie: the men’s hoops team beat the BC Point-Shavers, the men’s soccer team won the national championship in a shootout, and the Ravens covered the spread versus Denver. Few bodies expected in Baltimore Harbor today.

 

 

 

If Shaun Alexander leaves the Seahawks, Maurice Morris will be a top 5 pick in fantasy football next year. I could run for 27 touchdowns running behind Walter Jones and Steve Hutchinson. Shaun A is the A-rod of pro football. I saw him slap Julian Petersen’s arm during an attempted tackle yesterday.

 

 

 

A 9-year-old, Jontel Baritua, qualified for the U.S. Pool Players Association national tournament in Reno, making him the second-youngest ever. The youngest, Austin Murphy, wired his congratulations from Folsom, California, where the now 11-year-old Murphy is serving 20 years for extortion and cigarette smuggling.

 

 

 

The United States men’s soccer team will never be taken seriously until we get some hooligans.

 

 

 

Why isn’t the finale of “Survivor” covered in the sports section? By the way, if it were survival of the wimpiest, Rafe would have won. Him telling Danni that she could take Stef to the Final Two – releasing her from her promise – and then having the audacity to turn around and give his vote to Stef when Danni didn’t take him…that’s such a chick thing to do. I turned to my wife and said, “Ya know what that’s like? That’s like you telling me it’s OK if I go out with my buddies, that you have no problem with it, and then ####ing at me when I’m hung over the next day.” I hate that passive aggressive garbage. And then, even in the reunion show, he tried to paint it as though he’d given Danni some moral choice to make, and that she had to live with it. No, genius, she has to live with $1 million. Typical sanctimonious fool. You’re playing “Survivor”! The only reason you shouldn’t backstab people isn’t because it’s wrong, but because it’s dumb – people are human, emotions plays a part, and if you screw them, they will screw you back. And if you’re stupid enough to tell someone that she can take someone else to the Final Two – whom no one, except you, ya wienie – is going to vote for, then you just don’t understand a single thing about human beings. Rafe cost himself, not only a million dollars, but $100,000 as the runner up. If he wants to teach people moral lessons, he should go teach Sunday school. He’s full of it. He was as conniving and duplicitous as Stef. He just allowed her to be the villain in everyone’s eyes. Nice try, Mr. Third Place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please, no more prognostications about what Tony Dungy will do. I’ll tell you what he’ll do. He’ll blow one of the next few games, because the Colts are beatable. Sorry, but they are. And last I checked, Peyton Manning still hasn’t impressed anyone in big games. Flush him out of the pocket, move the pocket around, and they will lose. His quarterback rating outside the pocket is…um, my stat boy, Steve…is getting it…..Thank, Steve, yup. BAD. It’s bad, Steve tells me. Anyway, Pittsburgh had them in sight until Bill Cowher had a flashback to the 1996 Super Bowl and tried that ill-advised onside kick to start the second half. Pitt had only played two indoor games in like 17 years (OK, maybe 7). Anyway, they’ll be more accustomed to the sound of the dome in January, when Kendrell Simmons (a guard) will hopefully have learned to look at the snap.  

 

 

No truth to the rumor…that Theo Epstein is related to Juan Epstein, the Puerto Rican Jew from “Welcome Back, Kotter.”

 

 

 

No truth to the rumor…that Bill Parcells has asked Terry Glenn to change his name to Glenn Terry, in an effort to toughen him up.

 

 

 

No truth to the rumor…that Drew Brees is the name of a new poolside bar at the San Diego Hyatt Regency Hotel.

 

 

 

At least the Eagles won’t throw up in another championship game.

 

 

 

No truth to the rumor…circulating in Minnesota newspapers that Pittsburgh rented a foundry and hired topless dancers during its bye week.

 

 

 

I know Paul Brown founded the original Browns, but if the NFL divorced the team from Cleveland and moved them to Baltimore, then why name the replacement team the Browns again? Fond memories? If Whitney leaves Bobby and then comes back, OK, fine, they’re still the Browns. But what good memories are there of the Browns in Cleveland? The Drive? The Fumble? For anyone under 50, that’s all there is, and who wants to whip out that family album when the two-timing wife returns?