NFL: If Jim Zorn can teach Jason Campbell to throw left-handed, then his hiring makes sense.
NHL: Sadly, if you ask me what's been going on in hockey lately, I'll say players are purse-snatching, Sidney Crosby's still injured and some guy almost got decapitated by another player's skate. That's about it.
NBA: Word is the Knicks are shopping Zach Randolph and Eddie Curry. They should send them to the Lakers for an autographed copy of "Fletch Lives," and send Gregg Popovich a wheel of Jarlsberg cheese, to enjoy with his whine.
NBA 2: Watched "Little Children" with Kate Winslet yesterday. Steve Nash should have won an Oscar for his role as the child molester.
Golf: "A tradition unlike any other...January commercials for April's Masters."
Sportswriting: I think it's official: Bill Simmons has completely crossed over. When he first arrived at ESPN early this decade, he provided a unique perspective -- the fan's perspective. It was something of a public trust. We could relate to him (or, I could anyway) because he rooted for teams that sucked. Now his teams are all successful and (this is the capper) he actually planned to spend the Super Bowl after-party hanging out with Brady and Gisele, whom he knows through mutual friends. Um, what? Who can relate to this? Sorry, Bill, but you've lost the public trust. ESPN needs to start over here. They need to replace Simmons with a writer whose teams mostly suck and who'll never get invited to hang out with celebrities. In short, they need to replace him with me. And then, as soon as Vanderbilt wins a bowl game (which should happen in the next 10-25 years), they should replace me with someone else. Say, a sportswriter from Cleveland or Seattle?
NASCAR: This is only the 50th running of the Daytona 500? Perhaps by the 75th I'll understand the attraction.
MLB: My question is not for Roger Clemens or Brian McNamee, but for Clemens's wife, Debbie. If it's true that McNamee injected her with HGH, it stands to reason that she knows that McNamee injected her husband as well, and that her husband will be lying to Congress. If he does that, he might be facing jail time, which will not only ruin the family's reputation, but make holiday plans a bit dicey for the foreseeable future. Given that, I'd love to know," What advice, Debbie, do you have for your husband in advance of tomorrow's hearing?" Really, if she knows he's lying, and she knows the consequences, then what's that say about her?
Apropos of nothing (?): God makes 'em and he matches 'em.
College hoops: I wrote about this a few weeks ago in my blog, and zero commenters were good enough to leave their thoughts, but does anyone really expect Memphis, a team that shoots under 60 percent from the foul line collectively, to go undefeated this season? That's like expecting a football team to go undefeated when it can't make field goals from more than 45 yards. Eventually, your weaknesses are going to be exposed.
A lot of people whine about the two-week layoff between the NFL championship games and the Super Bowl, which is great for the players, coaches and team officials (who can make ticket arrangements and hotel accommodations for their friends and loved ones), but which annoys the average fan. Unfortunately, this extra week is here to stay, so all we can do is grin and bear it and wait for the first player to get arrested in Arizona.
This two-week layoff is perhaps the most unbearable down time in sports -- but by no means the only one. Here are some other times that try men's souls, in no particular order.
* The Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday following the first weekend of the men's NCAA basketball tournament. Arguably, the first four days of the tournament are the most exciting stretch in sports, with games from noon to midnight, the occasional upset, and just about everyone in the nation discussing their brackets. Even chicks with zero sports knowledge love the first four days of March Madness...but then it's over. And then we have to wait through Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (and even part of Thursday!) for the Sweet 16 games. Sure, those games are usually better match-ups than the earlier games, but you probably don't have to fake a head cold, lie to your boss and slink off to a sports bar to watch them either, and that's what makes the first round so magical.
* The day after the All-Star Game in baseball. Honestly, I despise the All-Star Break, but these millionaires need their beauty sleep, so I guess we have to live with it. I don't watch the Home Run Derby, which is a hackneyed premise, and I only watch the All-Star Game introductions and maybe the first three innings. The game's on Tuesday, so by Wednesday night I need baseball that actually matters. I mean, I've been watching my team play every night for three-plus months. Sure, there's the occasional travel day or rain cancellation -- but not for three days in a row!
* The Friday and Saturday after the Thursday night kickoff to the NFL season. This is like holding Christmas Eve on a Thursday, teasing your kid by giving him one present, then holding Christmas Day three days later, at which point your frustrated child simply wants to kill you and burn the remaining presents.
* When your team closes out its series and has to wait for another series to finish. This happens in the NBA and the NHL all the time, but the most publicized layoff in recent sports history involved the Colorado Rockies. Following a stretch when they won 21 of 22 games, including back-to-back sweeps of the Phillies and Diamondbacks in last year's National League playoffs, the Rockies had to wait while the Red Sox and Indians finished a hard-fought 7 games series (and then two more days -- 8 in total -- because MLB decided the World Series was starting on a preordained day, no matter when the two championship series ended). Colorado players spent the eight days making snow men at Coors Field, then got swept by the Red Sox in the World Series. Don't tell a Rockies fan that momentum is a myth. * The period between your fantasy draft and the start of the regular season. Usually you try to schedule your fantasy football and baseball drafts for as close to the start of the regular season as possible, but it doesn't always work that way. Consequently, you draft your team and then pray for several weeks, hoping the guys you drafted don't get hurt in meaningless exhibition games, thereby ruining your chances to look like a genius. This probably applies equally to fantasy basketball, fantasy hockey and fantasy NASCAR, but I've never participated in those leagues.
* In Major League Baseball, the two-plus weeks of interleague play every June. Good god alive, has the novelty worn off yet? This year, between June 13 and June 29, my team, the Boston Red Sox, play the Cincinnati Reds, the Philadelphia Phillies, the St. Louis Cardinals (hurray, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver on the Saturday Game of the Week!), the Arizona Diamondbacks and the Houston Astros. I know I shouldn't complain, since that's 15 easy wins. But still.
* The day AFTER opening day in baseball. Listen, I know why the teams schedule an off day between opening day and the second game of the year (it's in case opening day is rained out). But that doesn't eradicate the fact that I go from cloud nine to limbo in less than 24 hours. * The layoff before bowl games. Ohio State was off for more than 50 days before losing to LSU in the BCS Championship Game, but frankly, I don't care that much about this kind of stretch. After all, it's been more than 9000 days since my alma mater, Vanderbilt, even went to a bowl game.
NFL: Mike Tomlin's inexplicable decision to go for two points when the Steelers had closed the gap to 5 (28-23) with 10 minutes left in last night's playoff game helped cost them the victory versus Jacksonville. It's a well-known tenet of two-point conversion methodology that you only go for it when you absolutely need it, which the Steelers didn't in that instance. Later, when they led by 1, they were forced to go for it, because the Two-Point Conversion Handbook, known in public circles as Common Sense, says being ahead by 2 is no better than being ahead by 1, so you try and make the lead 3. As we know, the Steelers failed to convert, maintained a 1-point lead until the final minute, then lost on a Josh Scobee field goal - which only would have tied it if Tomlin had been paying attention on Sundays for the last, oh, fifteen years. Coupled with the highly questionable decision to let Ben Roethlisberger try to run the ball when a third-down conversion could have iced the game, and Tomlin had a terrible playoff debut last night. But hey, Bill Cowher spent the better part of his tenure coming up small in big games, so Tomlin shouldn't be worried about his job.
When it comes down to it, Pittsburgh didn't have the pieces for a Super Bowl run. They had a poor running game, atrocious special teams and a suddenly porous defense, which is a bad formula in January, particularly when your QB puts the team in a monstrous hole with two dreadful-looking interceptions and your head coach goes for a two-point conversion not once, but Twice, in a situation that merited an extra point. The Steelers still have the main ingredients for a Super Bowl team, but next year they need to stay healthy (Polamalu, in particular), fix their atrocious special teams coverage and draft a big ole offensive lineman in April.
MLB: I'm a populist when it comes to Hall of Fame voting. Frankly, I say the more the merrier, which is why I think Cooperstown should extend invitations to Jim Rice, Rock Raines, Goose Gossage, Bert Blyleven, Alan Trammell, Jack Morris and Dave Parker.
NBA: Hey, ya watch that Celtics/Pistons game last night?!?!? Yeah, me neither. Who cares about NBA games in January? They mean nothing, absolutely nothing. Really, what's at stake? Bragging rights? The Pistons and the Celtics will both be playing in the Eastern Conference Finals in June, so what's the big deal? Perhaps I'm just bitter and delusional because a freaking Detroit Piston drove my Knicks into the naked butt of Fat ####, where they remain lodged.
College hoops: Vandy beat UMass and remains undefeated heading into SEC play. I thought the Dores were going to take a step back this year after the departure of Derrick Byars, but this Ogilvy guy from Australia has been every bit the complement to Shan Foster. Any time you can start two players who can post 19-22 points a game in college hoops, you're going to be a tough out come March. Last year's Vandy season ended bitterly and dramatically, when Jeff Green walked made that bank shot in the Meadowlands, so here's hoping the Dores take the next step this season, i.e., don't get beaten on a questionable call that could have gone either way.
Books: I just read "Last Night at the Lobster" by Stewart O'Nan, who's probably best known in sports circles as the guy who, with horror master Stephen King, co-authored "Faithful," that Red Sox book about the 2004 season, which was remarkably boring, even to a diehard Sox fan like me. "Lobster" isn't much better. It's about the last night at a Red Lobster in Connecticut. The best thing I can say for it? It's short (141 pages).
CFB: I haven't cared less about a national championship game since, well, last year's national championship game. Here's hoping Ohio State gets humiliated again. Then maybe they'll schedule some real teams during the regular season and stop getting the hopes of their fans up. The only college football is SEC football. Oh, and USC. Oh, and the Song Girls, they're important. Oh, and Knute Rockne. But that's it!
Pop culture: Let's talk about the The Coors Light commercials with the NFL coaches, shall we? Seriously, have you ever seen less (read: terrible writing) done with great material? You're telling me these writers have the rights and access to ALL the NFL's press conferences from the last few decades, which they're then free to mock and satire, and this is what we get? Those writers are stealing money, because that ad campaign is potentially hilarious and brilliant (if written by someone hilarious and brilliant. Say, me?) but it currently sucks, and those schmoes asking their "witty" questions are lame. Coors Light needs to wise up. Then again, it shouldn't surprise me, since Coors Light tastes like bath water and gives you the same buzz.
1:43 p.m. Let the record show that I am not a NASCAR fan and that I have never watched a complete race in my life. But this is the so-called Super Bowl of racing, so I want to see what all the fuss is about. I'm trying to be open-minded, but I must admit that I go into this with certain preconceptions, which may or may not be true. Specifically, I currently hold that car racing is simply drive fast, turn left; loved by #### and beer-swilling grease ####; and quite possibly the silliest sport in the world. But it's also extremely popular, so I'm trying to understand why.
I’m watching “Countdown to Green,” which is the Daytona pre-race show. The race starts at 2:30 p.m. Will I make it through all 200 laps? Will I have the sudden urge to jump in my car and drive 187 miles per hour? Will I change my mind and consider NASCAR a sport? Will there be any commercials for feminine hygiene products? These questions (and others) will be answered today.
1:52 My knowledge of race car driving stems from two movies. First there was “Six Pack,” starring country singer Kenny Rogers. He played a race car driver named Buddy Brewster, whose pit crew comprised six orphans, including a young Anthony Michael Hall. I guess there are worse places for orphans to hang out than a race track.
The second movie, of course, was “Days of Thunder,” which starred Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman and is commonly known as “Top Gun” in cars. That movie taught me one thing: When you’re driving 187 miles per hour and there’s an accident developing ahead of you, well, you always drive towards it. The thinking is that the accident will have cleared by the time you get there. Good to know the next time you’re driving 187 miles per hour.
2:02 I feel like I should be drinking beer or at least dipping tobacco as I watch this.
2:03 When will I see my first Rebel flag?
2:06 I suppose I should actually pick someone to root for. The announcer describes Mark Martin as a “throwback driver.” I have no idea what that means. Does he use a hand #### to start his car? Does he not like power windows? Anyway, we share surnames, so I’m pulling for Mark Martin, one of 43 drivers. I haven’t checked to see what company sponsors his car, but hopefully it’s not Viagra.
2:08 Bon Jovi are auditioning to become the next Rolling Stones: They play every big event, and they haven’t made good music in years. Big surprise, they’re playing “It’s My Life” or whatever that song is called. Somebody needs to tell Richie Sambora that that voice-changer thing is not cool. In fact, it may single-handedly have been the reason Heather Locklear left him.
2:20 I went to college in Nashville, where, as you’d expect, a lot of kids love country music and NASCAR. Some of my former roommates actually do fantasy NASCAR and listen willingly to country musicians like Garth Brooks and David Allan Coe. If I actually make it through this entire race without turning into petrified wood, well, I might start listening to country music too.
2:20:15 Scrap that.
2:22 A preacher is saying a prayer for drivers’ safety. Let’s be honest: Everyone’s hoping for crashes. A lot of them. No one wants anyone to get hurt, but we certainly want some close calls.
2:24 Mark Martin looks old enough to collect social security. “Throwback driver” is apparently short for “old fogey.” He’s starting in the 10th position, car number 6.
2:25 Reportedly 200,000 people in attendance. And an equal number of Republicans.
2:29 Is enough going to happen to justify this running diary? I probably should have asked myself that question 45 minutes ago.
2:29 Announcers are explaining the science of “drafting,” which is basically the chief tactic in race car driving. If this were the actual Super Bowl, John Madden would have just explained that 10 yards equals a first down.
2:30 Actor James Caan just said, “Gentlemen, start your engines.” Caan looks like he’d rather be at the Playboy Mansion.
2:32 I changed a tire once.
2:33 I’ve driven a Honda since I was 16. Are Japanese cars precluded from participating? All these cars are either Dodge, Chevrolet, or Ford.
2:34 Jay Leno is driving the pace car. Heath Ledger was reportedly the first choice, but he had other commitments.
2:37 This race was supposed to start at 2:30.
2:38 Why would Geico think a British-speaking gecko would help sell car insurance to American drivers? I mean, that gecko drives on the left side of the road. What does he know about my insurance needs?
2:45 The Great American Race starts 15 minutes late. If the Japanese were allowed to participate, I bet this race would have started on time.
2:45:15 Wow, this is some boring stuff.
2:46 No crashes yet.
2:46 Jeff Green has lost a tire. He’s the 66 car, the sign of the beast. God is not your co-pilot, Jeff Green.
2:47 Jeff Burton is leading.
2:48 My dog just asked me to change the channel. Or perhaps I’m just reading into that growl, which sure sounded like “Change. It. Now.”
2:49 I can’t believe Budweiser sponsors Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s car. Drinking and driving, yeah, those mix well.
2:50 How can watching this in person be fun? How can ya see anything? Baseball is slow and boring too, but at least I know what's going on.
2:54 I guess I should have known that there’d be commercials, but it still surprises me how many they’ve had already. It’s not like the race has stopped. When they come back, the announcer says, “Ya haven’t missed a thing.” Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.
2:57 Up to lap 15 of 200. My impressions have not changed. This is like watching paint dry.
2:58 Another commercial break.
3:00 Do the drivers listen to music while they’re driving? Maybe a little AC/DC or Motorhead? “The ace of ####s, the ace of ####s!”
3:01 We’re fighting in Iraq. Meanwhile, these racers are driving in a circle for 500 miles. Good use of the spoils of war.
3:01 Lap 19. They just pit stopped for the first time. Then we go to another commercial break. This is ridiculous.
3:02 Why don’t these guys pump their own gas and change their own tires? I guess their right calf muscles must be pretty strong from hitting the gas all day. Or maybe they have cruise control.
3:04 Are these race cars equipped with windshield wipers?
3:05 The M & M car is leading. Cool. I like M & M’s.
3:07 The fastest I’ve ever driven was 105 miles per hour, on the Merritt Parkway when I was 16. Hey, I’m not proud of it, but it happened.
3:08 Lap 25. Only an eighth of the way through the race. I can’t listen to these announcers anymore. They’re babbling about “bump drafting.” Who's playing the halftime show? Bon Jovi or the Stones?
3:11 If they had race car driving in England, would the racers drive fast and turn right? Perhaps we should ask the gecko.
3:12 I pump my own gas. Ya know, except when I’m in Jersey.
3:13 They should outfit these cars with machine guns. They should all be designed like James Bond’s Astin Martin, with the capability of laying down oil slicks. Then this might be cool to watch.
3:14 Tony Stewart in the Home Depot car is leading. Time to channel surf, maybe rearrange my sock drawer.
3:16 I can’t believe these guys don’t drive Hondas. They’re so reliable, not to mention they get great gas mileage.
3:17 Are race cars equipped with cup holders?
3:17:15 What if they have to go to the bathroom? Are these guys wearing external catheters? I’m betting they just go in their flame-retardant suits, like old-time astronauts. So, drive fast, turn left, wallow in your own waste: NASCAR, a uniquely American sport.
3:28 I’ve come to the conclusion that NASCAR is simply a vehicle for advertising beer and home repair stores. I’m watching the Daytona 500 and all I want to do is get drunk and start fixing things.
3:31 All State car insurance sponsors a car. Wonder if they’d insure me if I got ticketed going 187 miles per hour.
3:34 Sweet, Arena Football starts next Sunday… March Madness couldn’t get here fast enough.
3:36 Word from the track is that it’s misting! And it’s windy! Oh my!
3:38 Some agony of defeat would be welcome right about now. The 20-car pileup variety.
3:39 Doesn’t it say something about a sporting event when all the commercials surrounding the event are also about the sport? Every other commercial features Dale Earnhardt Jr., Jeff Gordon, or some other racer.
3:42 I wonder if Homedics makes a sound machine that plays “vroooooooooooooooom!”
3:43 My wife just called and asked me what I was doing. When I told her I was watching the Daytona 500, she asked why. The answer, which just came to me, is, “Because I’m a freaking ####.”
3:44 The announcer just called Jeff Burton “our pole sitter.” Hmmm.
3:46 So, Jack Daniels sponsors a car too. If I were a race car driver, I think I’d want my car to be green and sponsored by an absinthe maker.
3:49 I can’t believe the Republican National Committee doesn’t sponsor a car.
3:50 Ways I won’t die:
1. Skydiving
2. Mountain climbing
3. Riding a motorcycle
4. Hunting quail
5. Driving a car 187 miles per hour
There aren’t many certainties in life, but those are a few.
3:52 How can Kurt Busch drive the Miller Lite car? Should that even be allowed?
3:53 Mark Martin is sponsored by the Automobile Association of America. There’s an easy joke there, but I don’t want to jinx my boy. He needs to win! Go Mark! Woo-hoo!! (I wonder what’s on Lifetime.)
3:56 “Rubbing is racing.” I love Robert Duvall. Few guys can overact like him.
3:57 Jeff Green, in the 66 car, just caused a nice pileup. Satan strikes again.
4:00 This is only the 48th Daytona 500? I don't know why, but I thought this race had been around a lot longer than that.
4:04 Commercial for “Cars,” an animated movie about race car driving, coming out in June, with voices provided by Paul Newman and Owen Wilson. I wouldn’t see that at the end of a bayonet.
4:06 So, Carl Edwards’ trademark form of victory celebration is to do a back flip off the door of his race car. I guess when you’ve driven 500 miles at nearly 200 miles per hour, then what’s one more act of stupidity, right Carl?
4:11 I’m talking to my dog more than usual today. Social scientists need to study “the NASCAR effect.”
4:12 Jeff Green, driver of the 66 car, is explaining that Satan made him do it. Actually, he just called out Dale Jarrett, driver of the UPS car, for causing the wreck. God willing, there’ll be a fight after the race, brought to you by Budweiser, Lowe’s, and Chevrolet.
4:17 Busch just had a commercial that said NASCAR might not be a sport, but it is a way of life. Uh huh. Or maybe a way of slow death.
4:19 In-car temperatures can go up to 130 degrees. And yeah, there’s a lot of stress and pressure in race car driving. But there’s stress and pressure in thoracic surgery too. And those guys don’t sit down for surgery. And as far as I know, they don’t soil their scrubs either.
4:21 Leader at the halfway point of the race has failed to win the last 13 times. Truly fascinating.
4:22 OK, the sarcasm is creeping in. Actually, it barged through the door at 187 miles per hour. I’ve watched half of the Daytona 500 and I can’t stand it anymore. I’d rather watch speedwalking.
If I knew my way around an engine, or knew anything about cars beyond how to change my oil and fill the windowshield wiper fluids and antifreeze, then maybe I could enjoy NASCAR. But bottlomline, I outsource my car repairs. And frankly, that hasn't happened too often either, because Hondas are kick-####, reliable cars.
4:28 My opinion of NASCAR has not changed. I simply don’t understand why people enjoy it. Then again, I never understood why people liked “Everyone Loves Raymond” either. I guess some mysteries are not meant to be solved.
My boy Mark Martin is now in the lead. He has been the runner-up four times in The Daytona 500. I hope he wins. I’ll check Sportscenter later. Meanwhile, I’m done watching this so-called sport.
6:04 OK, fine, I came back to see what’s going on. There are 9 laps left. In the last hour and a half I’ve emptied the dishwasher, filled the kerosene heater, and taken the dog outside. Unlike NASCAR drivers, she’s not in the habit of peeing herself.
6:05 My wife asks, “Can they put nitrous in their cars?” Her knowledge of racing begins and ends with “The Fast and the Furious,” I guess. “Maybe it’d be more interesting if they did put nitrous in their cars,” she adds. “This is boring.”
Amen, sister.
6:12 Is this race going to end under a caution flag? Dale Earnhardt Jr. is miked up and he says, “Give it the ending it deserves!”
Actually, Dale, that would be the ending it deserves.
6:16 Here we go, one lap to go! Jimmie Johnson in the Lowe’s car is leading. I’m so excited I could pee myself!
6:19 And it ends under a caution flag…Jimmie Johnson wins. The race took about three hours and forty minutes.
6:28 In victory lane, Jimmie Johnson dedicates the win to all the haters of the car 48 team. Hate? Who can care enough about NASCAR to hate a driver? The only person I hate right now is myself, for thinking the Daytona 500 would change my impression of race car driving.
A few weeks back, the Finalist assignment called for a Top Ten List. I wrote about the Top Ten sports months, ranking them July (10) to June (1). My refusal to mention racecar driving (except derisively) earned me zero #### points with the judges. So did my insistence on referring to jockeys as “midgets whipping horses.” Hey, I make no apologies; that’s just the way I roll.
And so is this:
I’ve now compiled a List of Ten Handi-capable Professional Athletes. (I say “handi-capable” because that’s what The Political Correctness dictionary calls them.) I came up with the names of these athletes off the top of my head, though I had to go back and research some of their backgrounds. For instance, “Three Finger” Brown….yeah, didn’t know off-hand (no pun intended) which one of his hands had only three digits.
The numbers next to the names don’t correspond to a list, per se, because who am I to say whose physical limitations were harder to overcome? I’m not in the business of ranking handi-capable people (and yes, that’s the last time I’ll use that term).
These athletes not only had to overcome their handicaps, but the rules and prejudices of the sports world, where the physically superior usually don’t like to admit that anyone less than perfect can or should compete with the stars.
Anyway, here are ten athletes who inspired awe. Again, in no particular order.
1. Jim Abbott - Baseball player
A 1988 United States Olympian from the University of Michigan, Abbott was born without a right hand. That didn’t keep him from pitching in the major leagues for 11 seasons though. To field his position, Abbott mastered the skill of switching a right-handed fielder’s glove to his left hand, which he’d do immediately after throwing a pitch.
Talk about multi-tasking.
His best year was 1991, when he won 18 games for the California Angels, with a 2.89 ERA. But his career highlight was a 1993 no-hitter against the Indians, thrown as a member of the New York Yankees. In 23 career at-bats, he even managed two hits…with one hand.
2. Diana Golden-Brosnihan - Skier
A lot of para-Olympians deserve our admiration, but I’m familiar with Diana’s story, and that’s why I’m mentioning her here.
Diagnosed with cancer at a young age, Diana had her right leg amputated when she was 12 years old. A lifelong skier, she had to learn to ride on just one ski. People make a big deal about Bode Miller, who once completed a competition run on one ski. But Diane did it all the time.
In 1988, the year the Olympics first recognized disabled skiers, Diana won the gold medal in the slalom. She was named skier of the year by Skiing Magazine and several other skiing organizations that year. But her battle with cancer was ongoing, and in 1996 she was diagnosed with breast cancer, to which she succumbed several years later.
In December, she was posthumously elected to United States Olympic Hall of Fame.
3. Dummy Hoy - Baseball player
Boy, it sure would have been great to be handicapped back in the 19th-century, huh? No one thought twice about referring to William Ellsworth Hoy as “Dummy,” the first deaf player in baseball history.
According to dummyhoy.com (and no, that’s not a joke) Hoy led the National League in stolen bases (82) as a rookie in 1888; compiled 2,054 hits over his 14-year career, hitting .288; and hit the first grand slam in American League history. All the while, he couldn’t hear a thing. Given how sensitive major league players can be to the razzing of fans, I’m sure some would envy him this “trait.” Still, imagine how acute his other senses must have been to compensate for the fact he couldn’t hear on a baseball field. Hoy was actually responsible for the introduction of hand signals from umpires, which were used to greatest effect by Enrico Pallazzo in “Naked Gun.”
I say give Hoy a plaque in the Hall of Fame. He ranks in the top 20 in career stolen bases, and twice led the league in walks, stolen bases, and at-bats.
4. Tom Dempsey - Field-goal kicker, New Orleans Saints
He had a withered right arm and a stump for a right foot, yet Dempsey still holds the record (with the Broncos Jason Elam) for longest field goal in NFL history -- 63 yards, set in 1970.
In high school, he played several sports, including wrestling, track, and football. Then, in college, he played defensive line. But it was in the NFL that he made the switch to place kicker, and started on the road to immortality.
Outfitted with a special shoe, which allowed him to swing his leg and drive the ball like a foos ball goalie, Dempsey caught on with the Saints in 1969. The following season he set the NFL field-goal record – breaking it by more than 7 yards!
Now in his 60s, Dempsey might have been able to help the Indianapolis Colts last weekend.
5. Pete Gray - Outfielder, St. Louis Browns, 1945
Gray was a one-armed outfielder who hit .218 in 1945, while most of the regular MLB players were serving in the Armed Forces. According to baseballlibrary.com, Gray lost his right arm in a childhood trucking accident. But that didn’t stop him from becoming a semi-pro standout in his home state of Pennsylvania.
“The naturally right-handed youngster learned to throw and bat from the opposite side. Batting with one arm, Gray sprayed line drives around the field. On the basepaths, he displayed speed and daring, and fielding was a study in agility and dexterity. After catching a fly ball, Gray would tuck his thinly padded glove under his stump, roll the ball across his chest, and throw, all in one fluid motion,” according baseballlibrary.com.
His one year in The Show was inau####ious, but during one doubleheader against the Yankees, Gray notched four hits, two runs, two ribbies, and nine outfield chances.
When servicemen returned to baseball after the war, Gray was sent back to the minors.
6.Vinny Testaverde - Quarterback
The 1986 Heisman Trophy Winner from the University of Miami, Testaverde was drafted #1 overall by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, where he suffered for six years, throwing a mind-boggling 35 interceptions (to only 13 touchdowns) in 1988. Fans thought he was simply a knucklehead, but Testaverde claimed he was color blind and that he couldn’t tell the difference between the Bucs’ jerseys (orange) and those of the opponent. Naturally the fans and the press were very sympathetic: one radio station erected a billboard that said “Vinny thinks this is red.”
The sign was blue.
Testaverde finally left Tampa, moved on to Cleveland, Baltimore, and later the Jets, where in 1999 he led the team to the AFC Championship Game. Over the years, he somehow trained his eyes to differentiate between his team’s colors and those of the opponent.
This past season, after a stint in Dallas, he joined the Jets again, for his 19th and final campaign. The kid from New York, who grew up idolizing Joe Namath, finished with a 35-26 record as the Jets starter, with more career touchdowns (269) than interceptions (261). Pretty impressive, especially when you consider Namath, who was not color blind, threw a lot more INTs (220) than touchdowns (173) in his Hall of Fame career.
7. Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown - Pitcher
Cubs fans who are over 110 years old certainly remember Mordecai – he hurled 11 scoreless innings in Chicago’s last World Series victory in 1908. The Hall of Fame right-hander, who won more than 25 games four times, lost the full use of three fingers in two farming accidents when he was little. According to cmgww.com, “At the age of 7, Brown was playing on his uncle's farm and got his right hand caught in a corn shredder. His index finger was amputated above the second knuckle, and his thumb and pinkie were both impaired permanently. While chasing a hog a few weeks later, he fell and broke the third and fourth fingers on the same hand, both of which healed unnaturally. This accident led to the distinctive nickname.”
The skinny on Brown is that his disability allowed him to put some mean action on his curve ball, which helps explain why he posted five consecutive seasons of sub-2.00 ERA.
8. Casey Martin - Golfer
Martin was born with a circulatory disorder that affected the flow of blood to his right leg, making it painful for him to walk. As such, he applied to the PGA for an exemption, asking that they permit him the use of a cart. But even so-called class acts like Jack Nicklaus got their Dickies in a bunch, saying the use of a cart gave Martin an unfair advantage on the course. Martin, who won an NCAA title with Tiger Woods at Stanford, was no slouch, mind you. He simply couldn’t walk long distances, unlike the other “athletes” on the PGA Tour.
So the PGA fought his application, which went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court. Citing the Americans with Disabilities Act, Martin finally won the case in 2001, earning the right to use a cart during competition. But, since no one else had earned that same right, half the fun of golf – crashing your cart into someone else’s cart – was rendered moot.
9. Curtis Pride - Modern-day outfielder
Pride has never been an everyday outfielder, but he’s forged a long-term career (bouncing between the majors and the minors) for his speed, versatility, and fielding ability.
“Deaf at birth from rubella, Pride developed #### skills early in his life and graduated from the College of William and Mary. He did not play baseball at college but was the starting point guard on the basketball team. He also was an excellent soccer player who played for the United States at the Under 17 World Championships in China (1985),” according to wikipedia.org.
He made his major-league debut in 1996, and that season received the Tony Conigliaro Award, which honors the MLB player who best overcomes adversity through the attributes of spirit, determination and courage.
10. Terry Fox - Runner
Fox, a Canadian, was diagnosed with cancer in 1977. Three years later, after losing a leg to the disease, he organized a run for charity called “Marathon for Hope,” as a means to raise money for cancer research.
I still remember watching his made-for-TV movie, in which friends drove along in a van behind him, while Canadians lined the route, cheering him on. Goosebumps, I tell you.
Outfitted with an artificial leg, Fox ran more than 3,300 miles in 140-plus days, averaging – averaging! – more than a marathon’s length per day.
Unfortunately, he never completed his coast-to-coast run across our neighbor to the north. The cancer spread to his lungs by September 1980 and Fox died eight months later, but not before serving as an inspiration to an entire country, if not the world.
(Note: I realize the majority of the athletes cited here were baseball players. It’s my favorite sport, so these names came readily to mind. No doubt there are many others – perhaps less famous, but no less important. Thanks, Crookdnose.)
I enjoy Top 10 lists and, given their proliferation, I’m obviously not alone. You’re channel-surfing and you come across Letterman flicking those blue cue cards at the television camera – and you stop. You’re flipping through the newspaper in December and the lifestyle editor has named the Top 10 movies of 2005, so you count how many you’ve seen and liked yourself. Any topic can be turned into a Top Ten list – even the Seven Dwarves. Don’t believe me? Well, maybe next time I’ll regale you with the Top Ten Alternatives Names for Sneezy, Dopey, Doc, etc. Right now I’m going to stick to sports.
Namely, the Top Ten Sports Months of 2006.
Instead of hitting you with stuff that’s already happened (like the Top Ten Contests of 2005), I’m encouraging you to mark your calendars because 2006, in my estimation, will go down as one of the best sports years ever. Sure, New York fans will say that 1969, when the Knicks, Jets, and Mets were champs, was the best year. Or perhaps Boston fans will say 2004, when the Red Sox and Pats brought home titles. But three upcoming events – the Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy; the World Baseball Classic; and the Men’s World Cup soccer tournament – will draw the eyes of the entire sporting world, not just the interest of Madison Avenue or New England.
The first of these mega-events, the Olympics, starts in February – which to most sports enthusiasts is traditionally treated like the redheaded step child of the calendar year. February is usually a fallow month for athletic diversion; in fact, the period between the Super Bowl and the beginning of March Madness has become known as The Dead Zone because there’s so little going on. Ya think it’s a coincidence that Valentine’s Day is February 14? The Super Bowl has just ended and the groundhog has just toyed with our emotional equilibrium. We’re helpless creatures, and the superior sex preys on our vulnerability.
“Fine, we’ll go to dinner for Valentine’s Day. And fine, we’ll cuddle on the sofa and watch reruns of ‘Sex and the City.’ ”
But not in 2006! No, this February is actually a good month for sports. In years past, a list of the Top Ten Sports Months would invariably exclude February and one other (reminder: there are 12 months in a calendar year). But this year is different and February cracks the Top Ten.
The following list, as you’d expect, is personally biased. I only watch pro basketball and hockey after Flag Day (June 14); I rarely watch golf or tennis; and I don’t watch NASCAR or any variation of drive fast/turn left. So if you thought the Indianapolis 500 was going to help May crack the Top 5, well, I’m sorry to disappoint you. (Perhaps when the drivers start pumping their own gas.)
Now, while most sporting events happen during the same month every year, that doesn’t mean my Top Ten for 2006 reads the same as 2005 or 2004. The list is definitely influenced by the three aforementioned mega-events, as well as the expectations I have in other sports, including the Pistons’ possible run at the Bulls’ regular-season win record and, a-hem, my own entry in the World Table Tennis Championships.
So let’s look ahead to what makes February a better 28 days than usual, and why July won’t be nearly as enjoyable for fans as my #1 sports month (hint: It has 30 days).
Top Ten Sports Months in 2006
10. July
Sure, baseball season is in full swing, but the fact that every sportswriter in America writes a column about All-Star Game snubs testifies to the dearth of enjoyable sports during the average July. And this year will be no different.
Yes, the World Cup Soccer Final is July 9, but the majority of the tournament takes place in June, so unless your country’s team has an actual shot at winning it all (and the United States doesn’t) then it’s impossible to watch the latter stages with the same level of enthusiasm.
The other supposedly big event that takes place in July is the Tour de France. I don’t know quite how to say this, so I’m just going to say it: I don’t get the attraction; not one bit. I know it’s huge in Europe, but I don’t understand how the stages work and I’m more or less averse to any sport that hinges on the movement of mechanical parts, including NASCAR and bicycle racing. Besides, Sheryl Crow is the sport’s number one fan. Give me some time, I’ll have a point.
Other July sporting events or developments:
MLB All-Star Game – “Because this time it counts!” (whatever).
NFL Training camp begins, and out-of-shape millionaires are shown sweating on SportsCenter each night.
The latter stages of Wimbledon – I only watch because my wife has a crush on Maria Sharapova.
MLB Hall of Fame induction ceremonies. I’ve been to a couple of these. Suffice to say, I liked Carlton Fisk before he started talking; less so when he wouldn’t stop.
9. August
In baseball, August is known as the dog days of summer. It should also be known as the mutt of sports months. As far as I can tell, there are only two events worth looking forward to in August: The release of Madden 2007 (typically a mid-August release) and The Lush League Fantasy Football Draft, tentatively scheduled for Saturday, August. 27, at my house. (Trevor, don’t forget to bring the Lushardi Trophy; your reign is over!)
Not only do I have Larry Johnson as my keeper, but I have the #1 pick in next year’s draft (because my team smelled like Pilgrims off the Mayflower this year), so you might as well engrave my name beside 2006 right now. To paraphrase Anthony Edwards in “Top Gun”: “No, no, no. There’s two o’s in Crook, boys.”
Other than that, there’s not much going on in this month named for Caesar Augustus. The NFL pre-season is in full swing, but the only excitement there is if a star player goes down and ruins your fantasy, I mean, his team’s season.
Of course there’s the NFL Hall of Fame induction ceremony on August 6, recognizable as you channel-surf because everyone on the dais is dressed in gaudy yellow jackets. Football: supposedly the manliest of American sports, yet its greatest players are welcomed into its hall of fame in the color associated with cowardice. Never made sense to me.
The month winds down with the finals of the Little World Series on August 27,around which time newspapers run requisite catching-up stories with Chris Drury, Danny Almonte, and Chico, the owner of Chico’s Bail Bonds.
8. May
Don’t get me wrong, I like watching midgets whip horses as much as the next guy, but when the two biggest events are the KentuckyDerby and the Preakness, it’s a lame month for big-time sports. Luckily the weather’s finally turned for good, so everyone can pursue their own amateur enthusiasms, like hiking and fishing. And really, with such “heavyweight” events as The NBA Draft Lottery (May 23) and the Indianapolis 500 (May 28), it’s a good time for these kinds of outdoor activities.
No doubt the baseball heads will schedule some nice rivalry games during May, like Red Sox/Yankees and Cardinals/Cubs. Otherwise, put 50 bucks on the midget in the pink silks to show, grab your rod and reel, and wait for June, when the playoffs in two major sports are finally worth watching.
P.S. Don’t forget to buy something for Mom on May 14.
7. February
Let’s face it, the NFL playoffs take place in January. Just because the powers that be like the two-week build-up to the Super Bowl doesn’t mean February should get full credit for hosting the championship game on Feb. 5 – the same day the NFL Hall of Fame announces its next class of yellow players.
No, February 2006 is saved by one event – the Winter Olympics from Feb. 10-26. If you can’t find a sport or two to follow here, well, you’re just not a sports fan. There’s hockey, curling, speed skating, snowboarding, and downhill skiing, in which everyone will wonder if Bode Miller is slope-worthy. No, I don’t watch figure skating, or any other “sport” that’s judged, but there are still plenty of things to keep my attention. Besides, pitchers and catchers report to spring training on Feb. 16, followed by the U.S. Curling championship(19-25) in Superior, Wisconsin, so we’ll have lots of things to be excited about. But, no, the NBA All-Star game (Feb. 19) is not one of them.
The U.S. Cross-Country Championship is being held the same day in New York City, and while it won’t be on television, I’m more likely to walk to the Big Apple and watch it in person than watch LeBron James throw alley-oops to himself off the backboard during the all-star game.
6. March
I don’t need to sell this month as sports crazy; it’s already earned the moniker: March Madness. But this year sports junkies have the added fix of the World Baseball Classic, when the sport’s best players compete for their respective home countries, including Derek Jeter for the United States, Albert Pujols for the Dominican Republic, and Alex Rodriquez for Switzerland. Soccer will have its spot on the world’s stage during the summer, but come March baseball will be foremost in international eyes. Meanwhile, college basketball will of course reign supreme in the United States. By the way, St. Patrick’s Day (March 17) is on a Friday this year, and coincides with the first games of the second-round of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. Yeah, I’ve already put in for a sick day.
5. October
I’m a baseball fan, first and foremost, so I definitely show favoritism towards October, when the MLB pennant races are winding down and the postseason warms up. Last year MLB had the good sense to schedule the Red Sox/Yankees for the last series of the year, and, in a nod from the baseball gods, the games were on track to mean something until the Indians collapsed and the wild card fell to Boston.
Granted, if you’re not a baseball fan (or you just happen to be a fan of the Pirates), then October is not a great sports month. But I’ve always been a fan of the Ironman Triathlon World Championship, Oct. 14, in Hawaii, if only because I can’t imagine subjecting my body to a personal Inquisition.
For hoops lovers, the NBA season opens onHalloween, and of course there’s the WNBA playoffs, which give Seattle and Connecticut fans the possibility of a title in some sport.
4. January
OK, I lied. I’m a football fan first and foremost. And while I think college bowls are a joke for the most part, professional football alone earns January the #4 spot in 2006. No doubt, if I’d have posted this Top 10 list back in December, January would not have earned such a high ranking (it’d have been #5). But the Rose and Fiesta Bowls, coupled with the NFL playoffs, are definitely influencing my decision.
Sean Taylor spitting in an opponent’s face?
Tiki Barber calling out the coaches?
Carson Palmer knocked out and Kimo Van O. the Most Hated Man in Cincinnati, where he played for six years?
Ya simply can’t match the intensity, story lines, and utter insanity, from players, coaches, and fans.
Now we have the Colts/Steelers in a rematch; Tom Brady and Bill Belichick bringing their 10-0 playoff record into Denver; and two Super Bowl- winning coaches, Joe Gibbs and Mike Holmgren, matching wits this weekend.
If that’s doesn’t get you jazzed, well, there’s bowling: The PBA Jackson Hewitt Tax Service Open runs Jan. 25-29 in Fairlawn, Ohio.
3. April
Opening Day in baseball is April 2, i.e., the day after April Fool’s Day. Perhaps the Yankees will actually win a championship this year. There are, after all, five-year-olds in New York City who are wondering if the Yankees will ever win a championship in their lifetime.
While April 2nd might still have me on the lookout for Saranwrap across the toilet bowl, I’ll probably be too engrossed in baseball and the finals of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament to even hit the head.
The following day we can expect UConn to play Tennessee for the 75th time in the Women’s Championship Game, as the national media begs us to be interested in the contentious relationship between Pat Summitt and Geno Auriemma. (Yawn.) Most likely I’ll be watching Opening Day + One and checking my fantasy baseball team every half hour.
April, of course, is also the time for the Masters, scheduled for the 6th through the 9th. Truth be told, this is the only golf tournament I always watch. It’s good theater, because it seems like every year someone is either choking or “exorcising past demons” at the Augusta National Green-Jacket Rental.
For pond lovers, the men’s D-1 collegiate hockey championship game is April 8 in Milwaukee (is this BC’s year?) and the NHL playoffs start in April and run until August. OK, fine they end in June, but it’s still ridiculous that the playoffs are nearly half as long as the regular season. Hence, I don’t start watching until Flag Day (if at all).
Finally, the World Table Tennis Championships run from April 24 to May 1 in Bremen, Germany. Hopefully ESPN360 will be carrying it live. No, I won’t be participating, but I will delude myself into thinking I could have returned each and every serve and volley.
The month closes with a two-day fiesta, the NFL Draft on April 29 and 30, when Mel Kiper Jr. unabashedly proves that he is not the descendant of Nostradamus. I think an NFL Draft Lottery Day would actually be more exciting than the draft, but I won’t go into detail here (check out my previous blog, titled “The NFL is blowing a great opportunity”).
2. September
Vanderbilt begins its trek towards an elusive bowl appearance when the football team visits Michigan for the opener on Sept. 2. That’s the great thing about going to a college that stinks in the major sports: You can root for them unconditionally and not be accused of bias, because nobody cares (or takes you seriously) when you say that the team is bowl-bound next year. Vanderbilt is the collegiate version of the loveable loser Cubs. But not after this year ! (OK, fine, maybe still…)
The NFL opens Sept. 7, probably with a rematch of the AFC Championship game, since they opened with the NFC (Eagles v. Falcons) this past year. If so, it’ll be the Steelers and the Pats. You decide who I think is going to win the Super Bowl in 3 weeks.
Meanwhile, the first few weeks of the month feature the U.S Open in tennis, and since my wife has a crush on Sharapova, I guess we can watch. I’ll toggle the remote between tennis and the MLB pennant races.
1. June
In short, pick your poison. Golf? Check. Soccer? Check. Midgets whipping horses? Check. June has a little bit of everything. Not only is the weather great outside, but the sports on television (or, if you’re fortunate enough to attend, in person) makes June the #1 sports month for 2006. Just check out this veritable cornucopia of sporting events and possible developments:
• May 29-June 11, the French Open in tennis, and Sharapova sliding around on clay.
• The Detroit Pistons possibly challenging the Bulls’ 73 wins.
• The NBA playoffs.
• The NHL playoffs.
• The Belmont Stakes on June 10.
• The men’s U.S Open in golf from June 15-18 in N.Y.
• The Grandma’s Marathon on June 17 in Duluth, Minnesota.
• From June 16-26, the College Baseball World Series (Vandy will win).
• June 27, the NBA Draft.
And finally, beginning June 9, the World Cup in soccer, which might be my favorite sporting event in the world. Believe me, that’s saying something, because I hated soccer when I was little. I mean, you run all the down the field and somebody just kicks it over your head, so you have to run all the way back. How frustrating is that? Regardless, I still love watching it, and the World Cup helps make June a sick sports month.
So that’s it. The two months I omitted were December and November. That’s not to say there’s nothing good going on during those months; simply a lack of beginnings and ends to seasons. And the beginnings and ends are always the best.
Enjoy 2006, and mark your calendars. There’s a lot going on.
(Note: I used a list of major sporting events published by the Chicago Tribune. To see the full listing, or to find the dates of events I omitted, follow this link:
First off, I am not a hacker genius. Here's what happened with The_Doc, step by step
1. I read the assignment from The_Doc at like 3:30 a.m. on Monday morning, because I got up to let my dog out. No joke. When I first read his blog, I was initially struck (as everyone else was) by how well it was written. And how quickly. I write on deadline and I know how hard it is to be creative on short notice. Consequently, I grew su####ious. So I simply copied the title of his original assignment and Googled it. And presto – the Ask Men article came up. I checked it and it matched (at that point, before Doc changed it) word for word. At first I was dumbstruck. I couldn't believe someone would do that, particularly a finalist. i didn't jump the gun and call him a plagiarizer (his subsequent actions prove he was.)
I copied the Web link to my computer (the same thing RogerCWallace has) and then I reported it to the judges, first by clicking Report This at the top of The_Doc's blog and then in the judges' blog – check the time stamp on the judges' blog from me, it says 12:41 a.m., which is 3:41 EST. I didn't call him a plagiarizer. I asked if he was Dave Golohktov, the guy who's credited with writing the Ask Men article. And I went to bed thinking he was. After all, his handle is The_Doc and Dave Golohktov on Ask Men is listed as a Fitness Expert. No big stretch to think a fitness expert is a doctor of some sort. I figured these guys were one and the same. I wasn't sure if he'd violated the contest by posting articles he wrote for someone else, but I also wasn't sure they were the same guy. Hence the open-ended question I posted to the judges' blog that closes, "Just wondering."
Then I woke up yesterday morning and The_Doc had erased my comments – BUT HE HADN'T ERASED THE ORIGINAL ASSIGNMENT. Consequently, I sent it to several people, including RogerCWallace and several finalists.
After that, The_Doc has been scrambling to undo his error. He's claming that somebody hacked into his computer and sabotaged him. Come on, what is this, an episode of "24"? More like it's an episode of plagiarism. I questioned his original assignment and then he tried to change it as much as he could. Simple as that. He was busted.
Look, I'm not in the business of narcing on people, but his little stunt, to steal a phrase from Latrell Sprewell, might take food off my family's table.
He plagiarized the whole thing, plain and simple, then changed it when I questioned his blog. Maybe if he hadn't posted the thing 3 hours after the assignment was handed out I wouldn't have grown su####ious. But not even Clark Kent on crystal meth can churn out something that good in 3 hours. I don't know why he did it. His other posts were quite good. That's for him to explain.
In closing, if the NSG judges don't kick him out, I want nothing more to do with this contest. It's a slap in the face to everyone else if he's allowed to continue. I'm not a hacker genius, I simply don't like to bust my butt and write my own stuff and then have some guy come in and post stolen material, then take credit for it with a smile. And I'd like to think that everyone else on here, who's written their own blogs, feels the same way.
The Winter Olympics is only weeks away, which prompts some random thoughts. Admit it, you're amped. No? Well consider that it falls right during the sports dead zone – after the Super Bowl (which will be won by the Steelers) and right before March Madness (which will be won by Vanderbilt; women's side too). This is going to be a great sports season for us Vanderbilt alums who root for all things yellow and gold. Not only that, but the first World Baseball Classic will be going on during March Madness. And after that MLB starts, followed by the playoffs in hockey and hoops (yawn). And then comes the Grand Daddy – the World Cup in soccer. This is going to be a great year of sports, from now through the end of the soccer tourney in Germany. God willing, the US team won't embarrass. By the way, after watching the curling event on "The Amazing Race," I have a newfound respect for how stupidly brilliant that sport is. I swear, the Winter Olympics almost makes you wish you were unemployed. Not so you could go to Italy and freeze your butt off in person. But so you could sit on your couch and watch it wire to wire. Ya know, except for the figure skating. (Anything that requires judges is not a sport.) Hockey? Long jump? Bob Costas pontificating even more than the pope? Sign me up. I love the Winter Olympics. Beats the Summer Olympics by a mile. Btw, can we please get some designated seasons for poker, Nascar and golf? No one should have to endure those so-called sports year-round. Make poker an outdoor sport, Nascar a winter sport, and golf a fall sport – played between Columbus and Veterans' Day. I'd watch poker if these "sportsmen" would shed their sunglasses. And I'd definitely watch NASCAR if it was run in the snow. I lived in Nashville for several years, and believe me, #### can't drive in the snow.
