A few weeks back I read an interesting story on Hardball Times that analyzed Bartolo Colon’s bounceback capability. In it, author Josh Kalk discussed the possibility that Colon’s 2007 stats — 6.34 ERA, a 1.62 WHIP, and a .320 batting average against — were the result of an inordinately high BABIP (.364), which is batting average on balls in play. In short, Colon was more unlucky in 2007 that he’d been in the past, when he was a Cy Young winner and weighed less than a Mini Cooper. Given this stat (and many others I didn’t comprehend), Kalk said Colon would be a great risk-reward option for teams like the Rangers and Royals in 2008, because Colon (according to Kalk, anyway) projected to a 4.40 ERA and 120 innings pitched this season. Considering what Julian Tavarez provided in relief of Curt Schilling and Tim Wakefield last year — 23 starts, 6 wins, 11 losses, 5.22 ERA — doesn’t Colon sound like a nice option now that Schilling has gone down again?
Given the dearth of quality pitching in MLB, I can’t believe no team offered him a major-league deal. Then again, if I were Bartolo Colon, who’s never won a World Series and probably doesn’t need the money, I’d prefer signing a minor-league deal with the Sox — with the opportunity to pitch your way onto a playoff-caliber team — than ink a major-league deal with Kansas City or Texas, where quality pitchers go to die.
On the face of it, Manny Ramirez hiring Scott Boras is like President Bush hiring a campaign manager. Really, what's the use? Has all of Major League Baseball (both players and team ownership) decided to get together and drive Boras insane? A-Rod won't talk to him, Sheffield calls him a bad person, and now Manny wants his representation. But for what exactly? And why now?
The Red Sox hold team options on Manny -- $20 million per year in 2009 and 2010 -- so he can't opt out like A-Rod did last year. Meanwhile, Theo Epstein has said the Sox will wait until after the season before making a decision about Manny's 2009 option. He didn't, however, say the team would be unwilling to consider a new deal altogether. And really, when it comes down to it, why else would Ramirez need a negotiator like Boras?
Consider this: Ramirez has no chance of making $20 million a year anywhere else, so perhaps the two sides will agree to a three-year deal in the neighborhood of $15 million per season -- more total money than Ramirez would get if the Sox exercised the 2009 and 2010 options, more security for the player, but less per season on the Sox. As a fan, perhaps that's wishful thinking. But frankly, I can't think of any other reason why Ramirez would need to switch agents and bring in a negotiator like Boras. Unless, of course, he simply wants to drive the guy crazy with his eccentric demands. As a baseball fan, I'd be happy with that result too.
* The Red Sox are visiting the White House on Wednesday. Side bet: Larry Lucchino will be standing closer to President Bush than Theo Epstein when the press pool photo is released.
* I read that the Sox were taking Terry Francona out to dinner this week to discuss a contact extension. And by the Sox, I mean the entire management group, of course. According to the story, Francona is going to have dinner with Epstein, John Henry, Lucchino AND Tom Werner. The Sox initially wanted a table for 7, but Sen. George Mitchell and Bill James aren't able to make it. Listen, I know the Sox have won two titles in the last four years, and as a fan I shouldn't complain. But still I have to ask: "What the hell does Tom Werner do?"
* Veteran players have various reasons to return for "one more season." They're driven by a desire to win that elusive World Series, or perhaps reach a milestone, or perhaps make money after their ex takes half. These are the usual reasons. Mike Timlin has a new one: A desire to not look like a steroid cheat.
Timlin revealed to ESPN Radio’s Mike Salk that one of the reasons he decided to come back for another season was to make sure there were no questions regarding his injuries from last year, according to a story reported in the Boston Herald. His fear, he said, was that after a fairly injury-free career, the steroid whispers that have encompassed baseball might come his way.
“I’ve had a healthy career for the most part. I’ve been generally dependable and strong for most of my career,” Timlin said. “Now, as things are cleaning themselves up in baseball, I break down, and I don’t want to be associated with having injuries and breaking down at the same time things are disappearing out of baseball. I have never done that stuff, but I don’t want (it) to be speculated that I have.”
* The following players are members of my 2008 Tail-Off Team, which I'll be outlining in additional detail at bugsandcranks.com. (Please, contain your enthusiasm.) These are the guys who won't be matching their 2007 outputs, either because they got paid and won't be nearly as motivated (Jorge Posada and Mike Lowell), their catcher thinks they're a liar (Andy Pettitte), or they simply don't pass the sniff test. You don't want any of these guys on your fantasy team, mostly because you'll have to overpay for their services. Ya know, provided they actually play this year.
Posada Lowell Roger Clemens Barry Bonds Magglio Ordonez Carlos Pena Edgar Renteria Jeff Francoeur Reggie Willits Brandon Phillips Andy Pettitte Joe Blanton Ben Sheets Rich Harden Barry Zito Dontrelle Willis Gil Meche
* Apropos of nothing: I appreciate spring training so much more when there's snow on the ground in New England.
* Apropos of something: The whole A-Rod opt out/Cashman won't negotiate with him/Yankees lost face and look like wienies - story hasn't gotten much ink lately. Probably because the Bronx Bombers spent most of the winter not landing Johan Santana.
(Fort Myers, FLA) -- When I arrived yesterday at the Red Sox' spring training facility here in Florida, a beautiful media relations assistant handed me a sheet of helpful story ideas. She told me it's an open secret that baseball writers traditionally recycle the same spring training stories from year to year, so to save newbies like me from unnecessary exertion, the Major League Baseball media relations department has compiled a versatile list of tried and true story lines, useful in covering all 30 teams. As you'll see from this list, which I'm printing here at great professional risk, it's merely a matter of filling in the blanks and perhaps adding a few quotes.
Like you, I thought baseball writers actually worked during spring training. Turns out they just do Mad Libs.
* Due to visa problems in his home country of _______, outfielder _____ _____ will not be reporting to camp on time, said team spokesman _____ _____. "It's an outstanding traffic issue. An unpaid ticket. It's nothing really, simply paperwork. We expect him to be in camp soon and ready to go."
* Still battling the lingering effects of off-season surgery on his left ______, All-Star _____ baseman _____ _____ plans to go easy this spring, hoping not to reaggravate an injury that kept him shelved for the second half of last season. "It's a long season, ya know. If I'm going to be a help to my team in October, when we all hope to be playing, there's no sense pushing myself now."
* Mentioned in the Mitchell Report as one of the 89 players, current or former, who used performance-enhancing drugs, a contrite ____ ____ admitted to "mistakes in the past," but refused to go into detail about what exactly he did wrong and whether he considered himself a cheater.
* Several of his teammates were named in the Mitchell Report, but _______ shortstop _____ _____ refused to comment on what effect, if any, their public exposure will have on the team's 2008 campaign.
* Looking pasty and somewhat overweight, long-time hunter _____ _____ said he spent the off-season killing bears with a longbow on his ranch in north ______.
* Perennial MVP candidate _____ _____ says the _____ have a great chance to win the World Series this year. "If you don't come into camp thinking you have a chance, why come to camp at all?" he said. When asked if his assessment was "smack talk," ______ said, "Confidence isn't arrogance. If you can back it up, it ain't boasting."
* With his arbitration hearing scheduled for next ______, reigning National League _____ king _____ _____ said he expects to receive a fair salary. "Things are cool between me and _____ management," he said. "It's a business. They have to protect their interests, and I have to protect mine."
* To the surprise of everyone in the _____ camp, outfielder _____ _____ reported early.
* Unsigned beyond this season, veteran reliever _____ _____ says he intends to test the free-agent market, and has no intention of giving a home-town discount to the ______, for whom he's pitched his entire career.
* Incumbent ______ fielder _____ _____ says he's aware of the trade rumors surrounding him, and intends to compete vigorously with rookie phenom ______ _____ for the team's starting position and its leadoff spot in the order.
* Veteran designated hitter ____ _____ says he'd like to finish his career in ______, which signed him to an incentive-laden contract when no one else would. "I love it here. My wife and kids love the community too. It's our home now," he said.
* Manager _____ _____ says the team's April schedule looks rather _____, with three early series against division opponents. "Hey, we don't make the schedules, we just play the games they tell us to play," he said.
* Journeyman pitcher _____ _____, known for his bullpen antics and clubhouse spirit, says the groupies in ______ give the best ______.
Now that the Mitchell report has blemished the on-field accomplishments of so many players from the Steroids Era, "clean" players like Mike Mussina and Pedro Martinez are congratulating themselves for doing so well during that period of inflated power numbers.
Mussina, a 250-game winner during a major league career that began in 1991, said this yesterday of people (like teammate Andy Pettitte) who've admitted using performance-enhancing drugs: "That's just the decision they made. I feel better about myself because I competed against them and I succeeded."
Apparently Mussina had been down on himself lately, which makes sense given his 2007 season (11-10 record, 5.15 ERA).
Martinez, meanwhile, fresh off the recent news that he enjoys watching chickens peck each other to death, said his accomplishments -- 3 Cy Youngs and the near-beheading of Don Zimmer -- look even better now, given the revelations about the Steroids Era.
"I dominated that era and I did it clean," he said. "I can stand by my numbers and I can be proud of them."
Left unsaid by holier-than-thou players like Mussina and Martinez is how their silence (and that of many other players, coaches and baseball officials) helped contribute to the Steroids Era in the first place. It's quaint how they think that going about their business and not worrying about the actions of others somehow makes them inculpabe. Mussina feels better about himself? Of course he does, because now he can look down his nose at Andy Pettitte (a true big game pitcher, which Mussina never was) and think, "Well, I may have never won 20 games, a Cy Young or a World Series, but at least I didn't take HGH from my ailing father."
Congratulations, Mussina, you're a paragon of virtue. You may not have taken performance-enhancing drugs, but you didn't prevent others players from taking them either. Moreover, you didn't report their use to the league. But I'm sure a Stanford grad like you, who thinks Will Shortz is a genius, had no idea that other players in your clubhouse were dabbling, including Roger Clemens, Pettitte, Jason Giambi and Mike Stanton. Even if had you possessed those basic powers of common sense and observation, clubhouse culture would have precluded you from ratting on your them, wouldn't it? So you're free and clear. Free and clear to continue playing with cheaters and benefitting from their skills -- at the plate and in the field. And free and clear to ride their coattails towards that elusive World Series title, while making millions of dollars as a New York Yankee. And as one of them (Pettitte) gets dragged through the village square and pelted with apples, you can also stand above the fray and feel "better about yourself."
You're a real man among boys, Mussina.
I ought to warn you though: You and Pedro should not to pat yourselves on the back so hard. You're risking injury, which is particularly foolish in your walk years. And god knows the two of you have many more years to feel good about yourselves -- doing crosswords and watching cockfights, that is.
Cleveland Indians fans ought to be rejoicing about C.C. Sabathia's decision to postpone contract negotiations until after the season. The reigning American Cy Young Award winner will be a free agent after 2008, and the Indians had reportedly offered him a contract extension in the neighborhood of four years/$68 million. But rather than sign what he believes is a below-market contract (especially in light of Johan Santana's $123.1 million deal with the New York Mets), Sabathia will pitch his walk year without the insurance of a long-term deal. If you're an Indians fan, you have to love this, because Sabathia will be motivated and focused, leading a pitching staff that took the World Series-winning Red Sox to 7 games in the American League Championship Series, as opposed to the Sabathia they could have had, i.e., a paid, content Shaun Alexander clone, who leads his team to the precipice of greatness, wins an MVP award, gets paid, lands on the cover of Madden football, can't stay healthy, and is soon splitting carries with Maurice Morris.
Let the player stay hungry, I say. Last season, that's what the Red Sox did with Curt Schilling and what the Yankees did with Mariano Rivera, and it certainly motivated those two guys, albeit after some ####ing, posturing and threats to walk after the season. Listen, the player can pout all he wants, but it does him no good. If he's in his walk year, he needs to perform in order to get paid well in his next contract.
What good is it to lock up Sabathia with a $100 million deal right now? Sure, it'd be great for him. But I'm telling you, that guy'd weigh 350 by the All-Star break, and frankly, I wouldn't blame him. If you handed me a guaranteed contract worth that kind of scratch, where's my head going to be? On staying fit, healthy and motivated? Or on buying a small private island in the Caribbean? It's quaint to say that players are professionals and they'll go out and do their jobs, regardless of whether they're making the league minimum or A-Rod money. But the fact is, they're humans first. Ask any Bronze Age caveman: "If you knew you could stay back at the fire, eat, drink and fornicate all day, wouldn't that affect your attitude towards hunting?" Of course it would, because in the back of his half-formed cranium, he's thinking, "Man, I don't need this ####"
All you need to know about $100 million contracts are the names of the pitchers who've signed them: Kevin Brown, Mike Hampton, Barry Zito and, now, Johan Santana. After signing their deals, Brown, Hampton and Zito won as many World Series as Joba Chamberlain. Sure, Zito only signed his contract last year, but the Giants will be contending for titles when Brian McNamee lands his next job in baseball.
On the face of it, the Mets fleeced the Twins by sending them the poo-poo platter for Santana, who's won two Cy Youngs in the last four years. But the Twins' biggest mistake was not keeping Santana and making him pitch through his walk year. I realize the Twins can't afford to pay him the same kind of money that Cleveland can possibly pay Sabathia, but the situation is somewhat comparable. The Indians, who haven't won a World Series since 1948, probably have no intention of signing Sabathia to a 6-year contract in the neighborhood of $120 million, even after this season. Consequently, they've decided to make their run now in 2008, which is exactly what the Twins should have done. With Santana and Francisco Liriano, I believe the Twins had an outstanding chance to win the World Series this season. Instead, they trade him to the Mets for a bunch of prospects, while the Tigers improved greatly and the Indians remain hungry and on the brink.
And what do the Mets get in Santana? They get a caveman with a full belly, who's supposed to be motivated by the opportunity to make his legacy in New York, winning championships.
Frankly, I'd rather have the hungry guy, motivated to get paid, rather than the paid guy, motivated to justify the money he's already received.
NFL: If Jim Zorn can teach Jason Campbell to throw left-handed, then his hiring makes sense.
NHL: Sadly, if you ask me what's been going on in hockey lately, I'll say players are purse-snatching, Sidney Crosby's still injured and some guy almost got decapitated by another player's skate. That's about it.
NBA: Word is the Knicks are shopping Zach Randolph and Eddie Curry. They should send them to the Lakers for an autographed copy of "Fletch Lives," and send Gregg Popovich a wheel of Jarlsberg cheese, to enjoy with his whine.
NBA 2: Watched "Little Children" with Kate Winslet yesterday. Steve Nash should have won an Oscar for his role as the child molester.
Golf: "A tradition unlike any other...January commercials for April's Masters."
Sportswriting: I think it's official: Bill Simmons has completely crossed over. When he first arrived at ESPN early this decade, he provided a unique perspective -- the fan's perspective. It was something of a public trust. We could relate to him (or, I could anyway) because he rooted for teams that sucked. Now his teams are all successful and (this is the capper) he actually planned to spend the Super Bowl after-party hanging out with Brady and Gisele, whom he knows through mutual friends. Um, what? Who can relate to this? Sorry, Bill, but you've lost the public trust. ESPN needs to start over here. They need to replace Simmons with a writer whose teams mostly suck and who'll never get invited to hang out with celebrities. In short, they need to replace him with me. And then, as soon as Vanderbilt wins a bowl game (which should happen in the next 10-25 years), they should replace me with someone else. Say, a sportswriter from Cleveland or Seattle?
NASCAR: This is only the 50th running of the Daytona 500? Perhaps by the 75th I'll understand the attraction.
MLB: My question is not for Roger Clemens or Brian McNamee, but for Clemens's wife, Debbie. If it's true that McNamee injected her with HGH, it stands to reason that she knows that McNamee injected her husband as well, and that her husband will be lying to Congress. If he does that, he might be facing jail time, which will not only ruin the family's reputation, but make holiday plans a bit dicey for the foreseeable future. Given that, I'd love to know," What advice, Debbie, do you have for your husband in advance of tomorrow's hearing?" Really, if she knows he's lying, and she knows the consequences, then what's that say about her?
Apropos of nothing (?): God makes 'em and he matches 'em.
College hoops: I wrote about this a few weeks ago in my blog, and zero commenters were good enough to leave their thoughts, but does anyone really expect Memphis, a team that shoots under 60 percent from the foul line collectively, to go undefeated this season? That's like expecting a football team to go undefeated when it can't make field goals from more than 45 yards. Eventually, your weaknesses are going to be exposed.
* Lifehouse is playing the halftime show? I take it they weren't invited to perform at tonight's Grammy Awards.
* Vince Wolfork is rushing the quarterback with all the urgency of a pothead after five bong hits.
* If my wife loves me, she'll buy me something nice for Valentine's Day. Say, Monster Seats to a Red Sox/Yankees game this season?
* Jets fans are no doubt watching this game with interest, hoping as many players get hurt as possible.
* For all the hitting in this game, Pro Bowl jerseys should be light pink and dark pink.
* Fat men don't look presentable in many outfits, but Hawaiian shirts are probably the least presentable.
* We get Joe Buck and Troy Aikman in the Super Bowl and Kenny Albert and Moose Johnston in the Pro Bowl? Ought to be reversed. After all, Aikman had no Cowboys to drool over in the Super Bowl, but this would be heaven.
* The Raiders' lone rep is punter Shane Lechler, which makes sense.
* Packers' cornerback Al Harris gets a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty in the third quarter for playing press coverage. Apparently no one informed Al that he's supposed to play at half speed and pray he doesn't blow out a knee in this meaningless exhibition. This isn't football. In fact, I wonder if a bull was ritually castrated before the game.
* If you're going to lie and say you got a football scholarship to play in college, wouldn't you at least pick a school that's good? Cal? If I told my parents I'd gotten into an Ivy League school, I wouldn't be telling them Brown, ya know.
* The NFC now gets penalized for "illegally blitzing the quarterback," the ref says. OK, if you have to emasculate America's most popular sport, can you at least save us the indignity of explaining its wimpification? Just throw the flag and privately tell the offending player what he did wrong, because announcing it to the stadium is cringe-inducing.
* The NFC gets flagged because Al Harris attempted to make a tackle using both hands.
* No, not really.
* The most exciting play of the game so far? When Devin Hester lateraled a kickoff to the NFC's second-fastest runner...Cowboys' TE Jason Witten.
* How can the Vikings have 7 starters in the Pro Bowl and not make the playoffs? Oh, right, their QB is Tavares Jackson and their best wide receiver is Ahmad Rashad.
* Ya know when your division sucks? When Jeff Garcia is the only player to make the Pro Bowl from the NFC South, and he made it because Brett Favre decided to stay home and play touch football.
* I'd love to see the Nielsen ratings for this game in southeastern American cities.
* Players on the winning side get $40,000, losers get $20,000. I hope the game ends in a tie.
* The Super Bowl-winning Giants have one player in this game, Osi Umenyiora. The Cowboys have every starter except Nate Newton, who was voted to start but decided to stay home and sell pot.
* Last time Alan Faneca will be wearing a Steelers helmet?
* If Marion Barber were coming at me in this game, I'd give him the olay.
* Hey, whaddya know, it's Jeremy Shockey, getting soused in the skybox again. At least he's consistent. He's always either talking or drinking. Or getting stupid-looking tattoos.
* I'm going to miss the Hollywood writers' strike, because it's been a built-in excuse to watch more sports.
* Nobody suffered a career-ending injury in this year's Pro Bowl, so it looks like we'll have endure this useless charade for at least one more year.
* If I were a Vikings fan, I'd have to be over the moon because Adrian Peterson, who missed time this year with a leg injury, earned the MVP award in a useless exhibition.
According to testimony from embattled trainer Brian McNamee, Roger Clemens's dog, KK, was injected with HGH before several Christmas card shoots. These holiday cards ultimately featured KK, Roger Clemens, his wife, Debbie, and their four children, Koby, Kory, Kacy and Kody.
This latest revelation comes on the heals of another bombshell: that McNamee injected Debbie with HGH before a Sports Illustrated photo shoot in 2003.
Clemens's lawyer, Rusty Hardin, scoffed at the latest accusation from McNamee, who also claims he injected Clemens with steroids and HGH on numerous occasions in the last decade.
"What's next, that he injected the four kids? Or the maid? How about the gold fish? This guy has no shame. If KK had taken HGH, wouldn't he have a fifth paw coming out of his forehead?"
The Curt Schilling situation -- a 41-year-old pitcher who spent 7 weeks on the disabled list last season -- is a prime example of why you don't give multi-year contracts to players over 40. The Sox might be able to siphon something out of 38Pitches later in the season, or perhaps they're simply going to eat $8 million. But no matter, his situation doesn't influence the Red Sox as much as many people seem to think. A rotation that went Josh Beckett, Dice-K, Schilling, Tim Wakefield, Jon Lester/Clay Buchholz, now goes Beckett, Dice-K, Wakefield, Lester, Buchholz. Considering they had no idea what to expect from Schilling anyway (and hence, the one-year deal) is this second rotation precipitously worse? If this were October, absolutely, because Schilling's post-season experience is irreplaceable. But a week before Valentine's Day? And nearly six months before the trading deadline? Yawn. Wake me up when the Yankees find a true #1 starter, much less an aging #3.
The revelation of his injury -- in particular, its timing -- has many Sox fans screaming about the loss of Johan Santana, who got traded to the Mets last week for a Pinto, a cheese wheel and a half pint of Old Grand Dad. But let's be clear: Curt Schilling's absence this season would not have brought Johan Santana to Boston. If ya believe the Red Sox were dissuaded from making the trade because of the presence of a 41-year-old #3 starter with lingering health issues, who'd already said he was retiring after this season, well, I probably can't convince you otherwise. If Schilling had retired at the end of last season, the Red Sox still wouldn't have sent a Jon Lester and/or Clay Buchholz package to the Twins.
The whole point in hanging on to your young players is to allow them to grow into their roles, which these Sox pitchers now will, albeit quicker than expected with Schilling out of commission.
Topps baseball cards are hitting the market this week, and about one in every 70 packs will include a fake picture of Rudy Giuliani, the former New York City mayor, celebrating with the Red Sox on the field after their World Series win -- a liberty Topps took in creating various mock baseball cards this year, though Giuliani's will be the only one in wide release.
(For the full list of mock cards, see below).
Giuliani, a former presidential candidate, alienated some New York fans back in October by declaring he was rooting for Boston in the World Series -- "I'm an American league fan," he said -- and Topps ran with the idea, according to the Associated Press.
"We took that and thought it would make for a funny card, since the Red Sox won," said Clay Luraschi, baseball brand manager for The Topps Co. "We thought, let's put him in the championship dog pile."
Topps did something similar a year ago, inserting President Bush into the stands and Mickey Mantle into the dugout in the background of Derek Jeter's card.
Beyond the Giuliani card, the following baseball cards were created specially for Topps 2008, and sources tell me these rare and valuable pieces will be popping up in random packs as well.
* Rick Ankiel signing for a FedEx package.
* Kansas City Owner David Glass pushing a shopping cart out of Wal-Mart, filled with free agents who aren't good-value has-beens.
* Johnny Damon, his left arm replaced by the Bionic Woman's.
* Barry Bonds kissing the asterisk ball.
* Matt Holliday standing on first base, refusing to move.
* Moises Alou wiping his hands with a moist toilette.
* Mike Winters laughing at Milton Bradley as he writhes on the ground.
* C.C. Sabathia, his hat held straight by a neck halo.
* Brett Myers getting cold-cocked by his wife.
* Suzyn Waldman having sex with the New York Yankees.
* Eric Wedge burning a white towel.
* Clint Hurdle burning a white towel.
* Willie Randolph smoking a cigar.
* Manny Ramirez reaching into the Monster Seats to make a bare-handed grab.
* Joe Torre awake in the dugout.
* Sen. John Edwards chasing an ambulance.
* Jonathan Papelbon rooting through his dog's ####
After the game-fixing scandal involving former NBA referee Tim Donaghy, Major League Baseball is right to ask discomfiting questions about its umpires -- including whether they gamble, live beyond their means, smoke pot or belong to organizations like the ####. This isn't character assassination, and it's not screaming "fire!" in the absence of smoke. It's common sense taken to its obvious end.
Umpires are in positions of authority, with the capability of single-handedly affecting the lives of countless people, both in terms of gambling (winning or losing money) and general happiness, i.e., purposely blowing a call that goes against your team. Their objectivity cannot be questionable. While no one doubts that arbiters are occasionally influenced by grudges, personal dislikes and grammar-school pettiness, fans cannot be questioning (even to themselves) whether an umpire has been bought off or otherwise compromised.
Fearful of their own Donaghy-like development, MLB has reportedly released the hounds, sending investigators to question the neighbors, friends, acquaintances, mistresses and cabana boys of its umpires.
"The questions that we found out are being asked are about beating wives, marijuana use and extravagant parties," World Umpires Association president John Hirschbeck said to the Associated Press in a telephone interview Wednesday. "And then finally with this whole thing about the Ku Klux Klan.
"You get someone from security, shows his credentials and starts asking these kind of questions, and right away what's the neighbor going to think other than the umpire is in trouble, he's done something wrong and he's going to lose his job."
If I were an umpire and people were investigating my background, I'd probably #### twice and die. But that's why I'm not an umpire (or even currently employed). If umpires don't want investigators asking uncomfortable questions about their finances, friendships, families and pot-smoking habits, they should find another line of work, because the public needs to know that umpires have not been unduly influenced.
Can these investigations go too far? Can they be abused? Of course. But that's the risk we take with investing power in the hands of investigators -- and it's the same kind of power we invest in umpires. Hey, no one likes Internal Affairs, but they're a necessary evil, because they combat the threat o####reater evil: the undermining of the entire system.
Investigating umpires is not un-American. It's not a witch-hunt, it's not torture, and it doesn't run counter to the dictates of the Geneva Convention. It's common sense taken to a certain end: acknowledging the fallibility of human beings and trying to keep the most fallible -- the umpires who've been compromised by failures in judgment, ethics or associations -- as far away from the diamond as possible.
Who, other than the umpires themselves (and perhaps the ACLU) has a problem with this? If umps don't like it, well, we can always get Enrico Palazzo.
* The New England Patriots are the only NFL team to lose Super Bowls in two different helmets. No matter what happens Sunday, that'll still be true, because the Giants have the same logo they had in 2001.
* I hope to hear a "Yankees suck" cheer at University of Phoenix Stadium, even though I'm rooting for the Giants.
* Jason Kidd should be traded to the Knicks. Then he'll be the first person in American history to realize how good they had it in New Jersey.
* Roger Clemens looks more desperate and pathetic with every passing day. Now he's trying to deflect criticism of his late-career surge by comparing it to the careers of Nolan Ryan, Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling. I'm sure they love being lumped together with a guy who calls his ex-trainer on the phone, feigns interest in the kid's ill son, then secretly tape records the conversation, all in the unrealized hopes of getting the guy to recant his story that Clemens took steroids. Roger, the court of public opinion already made its decision: You and Floyd Landis should go bowling together.
* The Red Sox are reportedly going to wait until after the season to exercise Manny Ramirez's 2009 option ($20 million), which makes perfect sense. Last year the Sox irked Curt Schilling by waiting to see what kind of season he'd have, and so did the Yankees with Mariano Rivera, letting them play out their walk years without future job security. Both Schilling and Rivera stomped their feet, said they'd play out their last years and then test the free-agent market. So what happened? They performed like motivated pitchers playing for their next contracts, and ultimately re-upped with their respective teams.
In Ramirez's case, the Red Sox hold $20 million options on him for 2009 AND 2010. Considering Ramirez will be 37 in May of 2009, the $40 million he stands to make with Boston in those two years is much better than any long-term deal he can reasonably expect to sign somewhere else. Consider, if Ramirez replicates his un-Manny-like numbers from last year -- 20 home runs, 80 RBIs, and less than 140 games played for the second straight season -- the Red Sox won't be eager to pay $20 million to a 37-year-old slugger who plays terrible defense.
Most players would use this kind of situation as motivation, but there's no telling how Ramirez will react. Perhaps he'll sulk. Perhaps he'll ask to be traded. Or perhaps he'll realize that playing with incentive -- actually, 20 million incentives -- will bring out the best in him, and help him revert to his Hall of Fame-caliber numbers.
* Word is Hal Steinbrenner (the sane one) and Yankees GM Brian Cashman have convinced Baby 'Brenner (the smoking one) not to overpay with prospects for Johan Santana. While that's probably the wise choice, you just get the sense that Baby 'Brenner is gonna go ballistic in the press (probably on Cashman) if Santana lands in Boston or Flushing.
* Pitchers and catchers report on February 14, so wives of rabid baseball fans should expect sex, chocolate, and due dates around Thanksgiving. Let's make it a fecund year for baseball fanatics, shall we.
Super Bowl Media Day isn't till next Tuesday, but I've gotten a headstart on the top stories that will be printed in the lead-up to the big game. Rather than wait to read those long, drawn-out tales, e.g., about Eli Manning's plan to wear Uggs to confuse the Patriots, I've decided to truncate these stories into small, bulleted talking points, distilling the essence while dumping the lard.
Stories we'll hear about the Patriots * Robert Kraft's #### son gets busted trying to buy Super Bowl tickets on StubHub. * If they win a fourth Super Bowl by 3 points, Tom Brady plans to find an English girlfriend who speaks Portuguese. * Bill Belichick reiterates his position that he'd never call Richard Seymour "dirty." However, he would call him "Seymour, ####," if only to motivate. * Once he retires, Tedy Bruschi plans to cover "Head Like a Hole" by Nine Inch Nails. * Rodney Harrison reveals his guilt about singlehandedly causing the rise of Brenda Warner. * Former Pats coach Rod Rust discusses his decision to root for the Packers in this year's Super Bowl. * Randy Moss explains the etymological history of "straight cash, homey."
Stories we'll hear about the Giants * Eli Manning answers at length the question, "How long have you been a white quarterback?" * Plaxico Burress admits his first name is completely made up. * Jared Lorenzen says he'd rather be known as the "Shifty Nifty Pushing 350." * Tom Coughlin's great-great-grandfather is dead, but Tom says he'd be proud of what Tom's accomplished with the Gaints this year. * Lawrence Tynes sent Brett Favre a cheesecake after the NFC Championship Game. * Tiki Barber wanted to become the first active professional athlete to admit he's ####, but his wife made him retire. * Longtime Giants fan Chuck Knoblauch plans to watch the game with Whitey Bulger.
A lot of people whine about the two-week layoff between the NFL championship games and the Super Bowl, which is great for the players, coaches and team officials (who can make ticket arrangements and hotel accommodations for their friends and loved ones), but which annoys the average fan. Unfortunately, this extra week is here to stay, so all we can do is grin and bear it and wait for the first player to get arrested in Arizona.
This two-week layoff is perhaps the most unbearable down time in sports -- but by no means the only one. Here are some other times that try men's souls, in no particular order.
* The Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday following the first weekend of the men's NCAA basketball tournament. Arguably, the first four days of the tournament are the most exciting stretch in sports, with games from noon to midnight, the occasional upset, and just about everyone in the nation discussing their brackets. Even chicks with zero sports knowledge love the first four days of March Madness...but then it's over. And then we have to wait through Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (and even part of Thursday!) for the Sweet 16 games. Sure, those games are usually better match-ups than the earlier games, but you probably don't have to fake a head cold, lie to your boss and slink off to a sports bar to watch them either, and that's what makes the first round so magical.
* The day after the All-Star Game in baseball. Honestly, I despise the All-Star Break, but these millionaires need their beauty sleep, so I guess we have to live with it. I don't watch the Home Run Derby, which is a hackneyed premise, and I only watch the All-Star Game introductions and maybe the first three innings. The game's on Tuesday, so by Wednesday night I need baseball that actually matters. I mean, I've been watching my team play every night for three-plus months. Sure, there's the occasional travel day or rain cancellation -- but not for three days in a row!
* The Friday and Saturday after the Thursday night kickoff to the NFL season. This is like holding Christmas Eve on a Thursday, teasing your kid by giving him one present, then holding Christmas Day three days later, at which point your frustrated child simply wants to kill you and burn the remaining presents.
* When your team closes out its series and has to wait for another series to finish. This happens in the NBA and the NHL all the time, but the most publicized layoff in recent sports history involved the Colorado Rockies. Following a stretch when they won 21 of 22 games, including back-to-back sweeps of the Phillies and Diamondbacks in last year's National League playoffs, the Rockies had to wait while the Red Sox and Indians finished a hard-fought 7 games series (and then two more days -- 8 in total -- because MLB decided the World Series was starting on a preordained day, no matter when the two championship series ended). Colorado players spent the eight days making snow men at Coors Field, then got swept by the Red Sox in the World Series. Don't tell a Rockies fan that momentum is a myth. * The period between your fantasy draft and the start of the regular season. Usually you try to schedule your fantasy football and baseball drafts for as close to the start of the regular season as possible, but it doesn't always work that way. Consequently, you draft your team and then pray for several weeks, hoping the guys you drafted don't get hurt in meaningless exhibition games, thereby ruining your chances to look like a genius. This probably applies equally to fantasy basketball, fantasy hockey and fantasy NASCAR, but I've never participated in those leagues.
* In Major League Baseball, the two-plus weeks of interleague play every June. Good god alive, has the novelty worn off yet? This year, between June 13 and June 29, my team, the Boston Red Sox, play the Cincinnati Reds, the Philadelphia Phillies, the St. Louis Cardinals (hurray, Joe Buck and Tim McCarver on the Saturday Game of the Week!), the Arizona Diamondbacks and the Houston Astros. I know I shouldn't complain, since that's 15 easy wins. But still.
* The day AFTER opening day in baseball. Listen, I know why the teams schedule an off day between opening day and the second game of the year (it's in case opening day is rained out). But that doesn't eradicate the fact that I go from cloud nine to limbo in less than 24 hours. * The layoff before bowl games. Ohio State was off for more than 50 days before losing to LSU in the BCS Championship Game, but frankly, I don't care that much about this kind of stretch. After all, it's been more than 9000 days since my alma mater, Vanderbilt, even went to a bowl game.
*If Eli Manning leads the Giants to victory in Lambeau, in the kind of weather they're predicting, Peyton automatically becomes the soft one in the family.
* Have you ever actually seen someone thrown under a bus? In fact, has there ever been a recorded case in transportation history? Then where's this term come from? I don't understand how this particular phrase became sports speak for "pinning the blame on someone else." Why a bus? Why not a Mack truck, a Ford pick-up or the #### of Rosie O'Donnell?
* It sounds rather #### when a sportscaster like Sean Salisbury says, "I'm a Rich Rodriquez guy." You hear that kind of thing all the time. "I'm a Parcells guy." "I'm a Larry Brown guy." You're a wienie, is what ya are.
* I hope Billy Volek has to save the day for the Chargers.
* I hope the Super Bowl goes into overtime.
* The Jeopardy online contestant test is next Tuesday, January 29. I'm spending already, anticipating my cash windfall.
* The country is not worse off because TV writers are out of work. Read a book, play Tetris, have sex: Use this down time to do something productive. Don't worry, TV writers will back soon enough, and the country can return to its passive consumption of regurgitated ####.
* Baby Boss is a great name for Hank Steinbrenner.
* Roger Clemens will not go gently into that good night.
* Andy Roddick is a dink. In fact, every A-Rod is a dink.
* Donald Fehr is an obstructionist. Take blood, store blood, get a reliable rest for HGH. Citing Lance Armstrong is fear-mongering. Besides, we all know that's how the French roll.
* Jim Rice got rooked.
* The Knicks could win 38 games in a row and I still wouldn't root for them.
* Goose Gossage is a megalomaniac. "I got out of situations that God couldn't?" Yeah OK, pal. Trim the 'stache already; the Village People are no longer cool.
Cameron Martin. Finalist in Fox Sports Next Great Sportswriter contest. I cover the Red Sox for Comcast SportsNet New England and Major League Baseball for
Bugs & Cranks
(Fort Myers, FLA) -- When I arrived yesterday at the Red Sox' spring training facility here in Florida, a beautiful media relations assistant handed me a sheet of helpful story ideas. She told me it's an open secret that baseball writers traditionally recycle the same spring training stories from year to year, so to save newbies like me from unnecessary exertion, the Major League Baseball media relations department has compiled a versatile list of tried and true story lines, useful in covering all 30 teams. As you'll see from this list, which I'm printing here at great professional risk, it's merely a matter of filling in the blanks and perhaps adding a few quotes. 
Let the player stay hungry, I say. Last season, that's what the Red Sox did with Curt Schilling and what the Yankees did with Mariano Rivera, and it certainly motivated those two guys, albeit after some 
