You won't get NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to admit this, but he's rooting against the San Diego Chargers in Sunday's AFC Championship Game against the Patriots. Not because he hates Philip Rivers (though he must), but because the Chargers represent the lone remaining threat to a dream Super Bowl match-up. As long as San Diego loses, the undefeated New England will play either Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers, a.k.a., Middle America and the people who despise cheating, or the New York Giants, a.k.a., the team that gave the Patriots its biggest challenge all season, a Game 16 loss that was both high-scoring and exciting.

If the Chargers win, however, we'll get a Super Bowl we don't want. In fact, it'll ruin everything for everyone. But, since the Chargers already ruined the AFC Championship Game (by beating the Colts and thwarting the match-up that everyone wanted to see), I guess we should expect them to continue being selfish punks.

Consider this: If the Colts and the Pats were playing in the AFC title game, while the Giants and the Packers were playing in the NFC title game, these would have been the potential Super Bowl match-ups:

1. Colts versus Giants: In other words, Manning versus Manning. And yes, Archie would have done the coin flip. Who'd have watched: Everyone, even bin Laden.
2. Colts versus Packers: Peyton and the defending champ Colts versus Brett and his last best chance for another ring. Who'd have watched: Everyone, even Pats fans.
3. Pats versus Giants: Again, repeat of the most exciting game of the year. Oh, and that whole Boston versus New York rivalry thing, which even I'm tired of hearing about, and I'm a Sox fan (and we own your soul, Yankee suckahs!) Who'd watch: Everyone, even West Coast fans. You can whine about the East Coast Sports Bias, but there's only a bias because we're interesting, rich and smart, and you're not.
4. Pats versus the Packers: Evil versus good. Rematch of the 1997 Super Bowl. Everyone outside New England would be rooting for Green Bay. Everyone inside New England would be burning Wranglers in effigy. Who'd watch: Everyone, even Drew Bledsoe.

So, to recap, if the Chargers hadn't ruined everything, the NFL was all set to have a perfect Super Bowl match-up, regardless of who won the respective conference championship games. Instead, we have the possibility of these match-ups:

1. San Diego versus Green Bay: Everyone north, east and northeast of Tijuana would be rooting for #4 and the Pack. Everyone south of Tijuana would hear about the final score in early March. Who'd watch: Natrone Means and Lance Alworth. Oh, and middle America. But that's it!
2. San Diego versus the Giants: Yeah, we know: the blood match between the two guys who were traded for each other. On one hand, the loud-mouthed putz whose team does best when he gets hurt (Philip Rivers). On the other, the spoiled son of Archie Manning, who didn't want his sensitive boy to play in San Diego, where he might actually find a girlfriend. Rivers represents the Cobra Kai ("Get him a body bag, yeah!"), while Manning represents the legacy who gets into Yale with a 2.3 high school GPA. Who'd watch: Me, definitely -- hoping both these jackos humiliate themselves on the world's biggest stage.

So, congratulations San Diego. I'm happy you guys pulled it out with Billy Volek and Michael Turner leading the charge in Indy. But do everyone in the NFL (and indeed, the world) a favor, and step aside now. If you knock off the undefeated Patriots, the Super Bowl will be anticlimactic, and we'd all like to see a good, interesting title game, i.e., One without you in it.

"Oh, Dennis, I feel so safe in your arms."

Quick,  name the winning quarterbacks on the last six Super Bowl winning teams. I'll give you a hint: One of them is the backup quarterback in Dallas (Brad Johnson), while the other five - though actually three - are Tom Brady (3), Peyton Manning and Ben Roethlisberger, whose post-season records dwarf the combined playoff accomplishments of Tony Romo (0 playoff wins), Philip Rivers (0 playoff wins), Eli Manning (0 playoff wins), David Garrard (O playoff appearances), Todd Collins (0 playoff appearances), Vince Young (0 playoff appearances), Matt Hasselbeck (plays for Seattle, i.e., can't win anything in any sport), Jeff Garcia (supposed "winner" who's never won any big playoff games), and Brett Favre, who hasn't done squat in the playoffs since appearing in "There's Something About Mary" 10 years ago.

Be honest, can you really see anyone else but Brady, Manning (the good one) or Roethlisberger hoisting the Lombardi Trophy in Arizona next month? Of course not. So enjoy the playoffs, get excited when the Giants beat the Bucs and the Titans beat the Bolts this weekend, but really, try to maintain perspective. The only team walking away with the hardware on Feb. 3 will come from the AFC. And the only teams from the AFC that have a legitimate shot are the aforementioned three, because the NFL is a quarterback league, especially in the playoffs, and Tom, Peyton and Big Ben have seen and done it all.

 

I'm not one to gripe about players' salaries, since the amount they receive is commensurate with the money taken in by the league. That said, I was reading USA Today's article about franchise and transition players, and it lists the top 10 salaries for each position. (A franchise player must at least be paid the average of the top 5 at his position, while a transition player must be paid the average of top 10). Anyway, some of the highest-paid players were, shall we say, interesting. Did you know, for instance, that Amani Toomer is the 9th highest-paid receiver in NFL at $6.375 million? Or that Laveranues Coles is 5th? These guys are nice players and all, but they're frankly the kind of players you begrudgingly pick on fantasy draft day. I mean, Amani Toomer?

I realize they play in New York, so that'll inflate their values, but between them Coles and Toomer have been to one Pro Bowl, won NO Super Bowls, and never led the league in ANY receiving categories. Are they pretty good players? Sure. Are they overpaid compared to guys like Reggie Wayne, Hines Ward, and Javon Walker? Absolutely. Let's look at the top 10 at each position, and let's see who's overpaid.

QB:

Brady $13.8 M per year

Vick

Palmer

Favre

Manning

McNabb

Tr. Green

Bulger

David Carr

Jake Plummer $7.157 M

Comments: Why are the Texans horrible? Maybe because they overpay a QB and don't bother to protect him with good linemen? How can you justify a $7.2 million per year contract for David Carr? Does that money include insurance benefits or something for all the sacks he takes?

Mike Shanahan has a reputation for being a genius, but what kind of knucklehead gives Jake Plummer $7.157 million a year? He had no track record of success, and now he's holding a clipboard for a Vandy grad (boo-yah!).

Bulger and Green are great fantasy quarterbacks, but they've never done anything remarkable in the playoffs.

And Michael Vick...whatever.

RB

Edge

Tiki

LDT

La. Jordan

Shaun A

Deuce

Warrick

Westbrook

Fraud Taylor

Rudi J

Comments: How in the Wide World of Sports is Lamont Jordan the 4th-highest paid RB in the NFL? And he got that contract after a "breakout" season as the Jets backup RB. Granted, he's a decent player (and their O-line sucks), but how can you invest that much money in an unproven back? Overpaying for a RB, but underpaying for an offensive line = Just suck, baby

Receivers:

Randy Moss

Holt

Andre J

Rod Smith

L Coles

Chad J

TO

Marvin

Amani

Larry Fitz

Comments: Randy Moss is playing himself right out of the Hall of Fame. Rod Smith has always been a great possession receiver, but #4 highest paid? Seems really high, since he was never considered an elite receiver. Very good, yes. Elite? No.

OK, for the rest of the positions, I'm just gonna comment, without listing the top 10

Tight end: Kyle Brady and Jim Kleinsasser both make more than Todd Heap.

O-line: How is Marvel Smith of PItt the 9th highest-paid lineman? I'm a Steelers fan and that's preposterously high.

Defensive ends: Bryant Young, the 4th-highest paid, still makes $7.8 M per year? Didn't he go Tim Krumrie like 8 years ago? No way the Niners are getting good return on him at this point.

Defensive tackles: Dewayne Robertson of the Jets is the highest paid at $9.4 M. I watch the Jets a lot, but apparently I'm not watching closely enough, b/c Dewayne is apparently the shiz-nit, which is news to me.

Linebackers: No big surprises here. Linebacker might be the most perfectly valued position in football, because this is the Top 10: Ray Ray, Zach, Bulluck, D. Brooks, Takeo, Morgan, Al Wilson, Urlacher, Colvin, Donnie Edwards. A lot of these guys are past their primes (Brooks and Edwards, in particular) but they were definitely deserving of their salaries at some point.

Cornerbacks: Green Bay's Charles Woodson hasn't made a good play since he hit Tom Brady in the head during the Tuck Rule play – and that was five years ago. How is he STIILL the #3 corner at $7.25 M? Quentin Jammer is seriously overrated too, and he's 5th at $7.07 M.

Safeties: Brian Dawkins is #1...and he damn well deserves to be. But Tony Parrish is 5th? And Greg Wesley 7th? Have the Chiefs ever NOT had a bad defense in the time Wesley has been posterizing their secondary? Watch NFL Countdown and you'll see Greg Wesley on the wrong end of more big plays than anyone. Well, except for Roy Williams of Dallas (who is the #2 highest-paid safety at $4.6 M).

Kickers and Punters:

Of the top 10, only Jason Elam has won a Super Bowl. Adam Vinatieri? Not even on the list, which is a freaking travesty. John Hall, however, is #4, and a prime example of Dan Snyder's inability to run a football team.

It's easy to say that teams' fortunes ride on the arms of their respective quarterbacks. So I will: Teams' fortunes ride on the arms of their respective quarterbacks.

The Steelers were cruising last year until Ben Roethlisberger turned into Bubby Brister's doppelganger, overthrowing and underthrowing his receivers. Sure, he had a thumb injury (perhaps from playing with Michael Vick and the Falcons on Madden 2005), but it's no stretch to say that the Steelers' season was lost by the then-rookie's mistakes. The thing is, that rookie is now a second-year, battle-tested pro, who enters Sunday's match-up with the Bengals a veritable veteran, especially when you consider some of the other quarterbacks taking the stage this weekend. With the exception of Big Ben, Mark Brunell, Jake Delhomme, and some dude named Brady, the other signal callers are new to the postseason. Let's take a look at their prospects:

1. Byron Leftwich. He hasn't played since the end of November – when the Falcons were actually looking like Super Bowl material in the NFC. The Jaguars, meanwhile, haven't been to the playoffs since 1999. My bet is Bruschi chews through Byron's ankle brace, or, at the very least, Bill Belichick shows him schemes that will leave him flustered. A playoff newbie, coming off injury, playing in Foxboro? Me no likey.

2. Chris Simms. This is why I'm picking the Skins to beat the Bucs (and then beat the Seahawks in Seattle next week). The Pats' D absolutely throttled the Bucs a few weeks back with Simms under center. I know the game between the Bucs and Skins was close earlier this season, but Joe Gibbs and defensive coordinator Gregg Robinson versus a playoff neophyte is simple math: Skins should roll, because Brunell won't make the same mistakes that Simms will.

3. Eli Manning. Forget everything I've said to this point. On paper, Manning doesn't have nearly the playoff experience of Jake Delhomme. What he has, though, are brass mariachis. He's not afraid to fail. He'll throw the deep ball. He'll throw into tight coverage. He'll improvise. Sure, he'll make mistakes, but he'll keep trying.

The Giants will win this week, and win next week in Chicago, then beat the Skins in the NFC title game at home. Why? Because the Manning Bowl is fated. The fix is in, I'm telling you. Simply watch the refs in these games. The league knows the Colts can make it to Detroit on their own, but the Giants will need a little help from the zebras. And yes, I'm kidding. Ya know, sort of.

4. Carson Palmer. Fine, we're all sick of the comparisons between the Bengals and the Colts, and how the Bengals are the Colts of, say, three years ago. So I'll amend that and say the Bungals are actually the Colts of three games ago, i.e., when they lost to a Marty Schottenheimer-coached team. The Steelers will run, run, and run some more. My bet is Palmer tries to do too much when they're trailing. Besides, he went to USC, so he's probably sluggish after eating a lot of cheese this week. Ya know, to go with that whine. (His knee was down! His knee was down!) Come talk to me when your alma mater goes 23 straight years without even making a bowl game.

So, four games, four players to watch. Three of these playoff rookies are slated to fail, while one defies the odds and leads New York to victory.

Hey, I don't write the script (the league does). I merely report it.