Super Bowl Media Day isn't till next Tuesday, but I've gotten a headstart on the top stories that will be printed in the lead-up to the big game. Rather than wait to read those long, drawn-out tales, e.g., about Eli Manning's plan to wear Uggs to confuse the Patriots, I've decided to truncate these stories into small, bulleted talking points, distilling the essence while dumping the lard.

Stories we'll hear about the Patriots
* Robert Kraft's #### son gets busted trying to buy Super Bowl tickets on StubHub.
* If they win a fourth Super Bowl by 3 points, Tom Brady plans to find an English girlfriend who speaks Portuguese.
* Bill Belichick reiterates his position that he'd never call Richard Seymour "dirty." However, he would call him "Seymour, ####," if only to motivate.
* Once he retires, Tedy Bruschi plans to cover "Head Like a Hole" by Nine Inch Nails.
* Rodney Harrison reveals his guilt about singlehandedly causing the rise of Brenda Warner.
* Former Pats coach Rod Rust discusses his decision to root for the Packers in this year's Super Bowl.
* Randy Moss explains the etymological history of "straight cash, homey."


Stories we'll hear about the Giants
* Eli Manning answers at length the question, "How long have you been a white quarterback?"
* Plaxico Burress admits his first name is completely made up.
* Jared Lorenzen says he'd rather be known as the "Shifty Nifty Pushing 350."
* Tom Coughlin's great-great-grandfather is dead, but Tom says he'd be proud of what Tom's accomplished with the Gaints this year.
* Lawrence Tynes sent Brett Favre a cheesecake after the NFC Championship Game.
* Tiki Barber wanted to become the first active professional athlete to admit he's ####, but his wife made him retire.
* Longtime Giants fan Chuck Knoblauch plans to watch the game with Whitey Bulger.

In the wake of the Chargers' loss to the Patriots in the AFC Championship Game, the public images of Philip Rivers and LaDainian Tomlinson have gone in opposite directions. The brash, trash-talking Rivers, who now admits to playing the game with one ACL, has been fast-tracked for canonization, while the humble Tomlinson, who played briefly before shutting it down, has been vilified as a soft, selfish teammate who pouted on the bench because he couldn't contribute.

On the San Diego Union-Tribune Web site, here's a typical comment about superhero Philip Rivers, from a Charger fan named Blue& Gold:

"Wow!!!! That's giving it up for the team!! This kid has some heart!!
Do you think either one of the Manning punks would've had the stones to do what he just did for his team mates? No way in hell, not in a million years.
Now, maybe Rivers will get the respect he deserves, not only as one of the best QBs ever at this stage of his career, but as one of the toughest."

Sorry, pal, but playing a game without an ACL doesn't make you tough; it makes you dumb. Discretion, as they say, is the better part of valor, and Rivers showed no discretion -- and contributed mediocre stats from the quarterback position -- while Tomlinson had the good sense to admit, "Ya know what, I can't go. Let Michael Turner and Darren Sproles play."

And so what happened? What production did the Chargers get from these respective positions? Rivers goes 19-37, with no TDs and 2 INTs, leading the Chargers to four measly field goals, even though the team won the turnover battle against the highest-scoring team in NFL history. Meanwhile, Tomlinson's backups rushed for 99 yards on 21 carries, averaging 4.7 yards per carry, which is EXACTLY what Tomlinson averaged during the regular season. So, Rivers grits it out, hobbles around like a wounded wildebeest for four quarters and earns the everlasting praise of talking heads like "Mad Dog" Chris Russo, who spent Monday drooling about how much he respected Rivers's play, and how he could "quarterback my team any day." On the other side, Tomlinson get vilified (and rightly so) for not standing up and rooting on his teammates. At the end of the day, however, who really helped his team more?

A dispassionate observer would have to say Tomlinson.

LT may have come up small in the teammate department, but at least he was wise enough to let other people - namely, his BACKUPS - do their jobs. Rivers, on the other hand, tries to pull some Curt Schilling bloody sock routine. The problem, of course, is that Schilling actually pitched great in Game 6 of the 2004 American League Championship Series. Rivers threw like...oh, I don't know, a guy playing without an anterior cruciate ligament?

Yesterday Rivers revealed that he had arthroscopic surgery last week to clean out loose cartilage, which enabled him to play.

“If I don't do that Monday, I had no chance of playing,” Rivers said.

Um, good?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but one of the chief reasons why football teams have backup quarterbacks is for instances when the starter has misplaced his ACL. I know football is a manly-man sport, and guys are supposed to play with bones sticking through their eyeballs, but this macho charade cost the Chargers a very good chance to beat the New England Patriots and advance to the Super Bowl. Billy Volek, who relieved St. Rivers after he martyred himself in last week's game versus the Colts, went 3 of 4 and led the team to a go-ahead touchdown on the road in that fourth quarter. Would it have been so bad to let him have a shot at the Patriots? After all Volek, who's started 10 games in his career and passed for 2,486 yards in 2004, brought both ACLs to the game on Sunday.

If Volek played in place of Rivers (particularly in the second half, when it was clear Rivers was struggling to move), would the Chargers have won? We'll never know, because Norv Turner agreed to roll out a hurt quarterback with a severe case of megalomania. Who convinced Turner that Philip Rivers, the 18th-highest rated quarterback in the NFL this season, was so irreplaceable that he had to play him, even with one leg?

We're going back a ways, but one of the all-time great Man-Up stories is about Hall of Fame linebacker Jack Youngblood, who played for the Rams with a broken leg in both the 1980 NFC Championship Game AND in the Super Bowl. That's hardcore, yet people don't talk about it that much; not nearly as much as Schilling and his bloody sock. Ya know why? Part of the reason, of course, is that Schilling is a self-aggrandizing loudmouth, while Youngblood isn't. But the biggest reason is that Schilling's team won the title that year, but Youngblood's didn't. This is but one example of how it's commendable to do whatever it takes to win -- just as long as you actually DO win.

You can say Philip Rivers was heroic for playing the AFC title game with no ACL, and you can say LaDainian Tomlinson hurt his team by not cheering from the bench. But really, who hurt his team more? The wanna-be hero who didn't get it done, or the affirmed superstar who let his backups take a shot?

You won't get NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to admit this, but he's rooting against the San Diego Chargers in Sunday's AFC Championship Game against the Patriots. Not because he hates Philip Rivers (though he must), but because the Chargers represent the lone remaining threat to a dream Super Bowl match-up. As long as San Diego loses, the undefeated New England will play either Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers, a.k.a., Middle America and the people who despise cheating, or the New York Giants, a.k.a., the team that gave the Patriots its biggest challenge all season, a Game 16 loss that was both high-scoring and exciting.

If the Chargers win, however, we'll get a Super Bowl we don't want. In fact, it'll ruin everything for everyone. But, since the Chargers already ruined the AFC Championship Game (by beating the Colts and thwarting the match-up that everyone wanted to see), I guess we should expect them to continue being selfish punks.

Consider this: If the Colts and the Pats were playing in the AFC title game, while the Giants and the Packers were playing in the NFC title game, these would have been the potential Super Bowl match-ups:

1. Colts versus Giants: In other words, Manning versus Manning. And yes, Archie would have done the coin flip. Who'd have watched: Everyone, even bin Laden.
2. Colts versus Packers: Peyton and the defending champ Colts versus Brett and his last best chance for another ring. Who'd have watched: Everyone, even Pats fans.
3. Pats versus Giants: Again, repeat of the most exciting game of the year. Oh, and that whole Boston versus New York rivalry thing, which even I'm tired of hearing about, and I'm a Sox fan (and we own your soul, Yankee suckahs!) Who'd watch: Everyone, even West Coast fans. You can whine about the East Coast Sports Bias, but there's only a bias because we're interesting, rich and smart, and you're not.
4. Pats versus the Packers: Evil versus good. Rematch of the 1997 Super Bowl. Everyone outside New England would be rooting for Green Bay. Everyone inside New England would be burning Wranglers in effigy. Who'd watch: Everyone, even Drew Bledsoe.

So, to recap, if the Chargers hadn't ruined everything, the NFL was all set to have a perfect Super Bowl match-up, regardless of who won the respective conference championship games. Instead, we have the possibility of these match-ups:

1. San Diego versus Green Bay: Everyone north, east and northeast of Tijuana would be rooting for #4 and the Pack. Everyone south of Tijuana would hear about the final score in early March. Who'd watch: Natrone Means and Lance Alworth. Oh, and middle America. But that's it!
2. San Diego versus the Giants: Yeah, we know: the blood match between the two guys who were traded for each other. On one hand, the loud-mouthed putz whose team does best when he gets hurt (Philip Rivers). On the other, the spoiled son of Archie Manning, who didn't want his sensitive boy to play in San Diego, where he might actually find a girlfriend. Rivers represents the Cobra Kai ("Get him a body bag, yeah!"), while Manning represents the legacy who gets into Yale with a 2.3 high school GPA. Who'd watch: Me, definitely -- hoping both these jackos humiliate themselves on the world's biggest stage.

So, congratulations San Diego. I'm happy you guys pulled it out with Billy Volek and Michael Turner leading the charge in Indy. But do everyone in the NFL (and indeed, the world) a favor, and step aside now. If you knock off the undefeated Patriots, the Super Bowl will be anticlimactic, and we'd all like to see a good, interesting title game, i.e., One without you in it.

Thanks to Dallas Clark's stubborn unwillingness to make a game-saving catch against the Chargers on Sunday, San Diego will now represent Mankind in the AFC Championship Game against the New England Patriots, a.k.a.,The Team Everyone is Rooting Against, even many Pats fans, though they're doing it subconsciously. Like many upstanding citizens, I felt Mankind's best chance for decapitating the three-headed Cerberus - Brady, Belichick and Gisele - was Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts. Manning, whose ubiquity is matched only by Beyonce, is hard to dislike, so rooting for him would have been tolerable. But rooting for Philip Rivers, Shawne Merriman and A.J. Smith, the general manager of the San Diego Chargers? Ugh, is there any way the game can be canceled?

Rivers is a putz. There's no two ways about it. You can attribute his trash-talking antics to a competitive nature, but I prefer to attribute it to human nature: Some people are tools, and some people open hardware stores. Rivers is Ace Hardware, and he's selling his wares 24/7/365. How else do you explain his actions at the end of Sunday's game when, with the game in hand and a Chargers win assured, he walks over to the stands behind the San Diego bench and talks smack to some well-oiled Colts fans, one of whom had the good sense to flash Rivers the international hand sign for "get bent"? That's Mickey Mouse stuff, and the kind of immature, asinine behavior that prevents me from rooting for Rivers and the Chargers. Maybe San Diego will realize it won the game with Ace Hardware on the bench, and so start Billy Volek.

With any luck, Rivers is so hurt that Volek will need to QB San Diego in next week's AFC title game versus the Patriots, a team predicated on cheating and outscoring their opponent -- and yes, necessarily in that order. I can get behind Billy Volek, because Volek's had as much success in the NFL as Philip Rivers, yet has the good sense not to act like Joe Montana after six bottles of Robitussin.

If San Diego wants Mankind to get behind the team in its contest versus the Patriots, the Chargers should start Billy Volek next Sunday in the AFC title game. He might not give the team the best chance to win, but he gives it the best chance to win with a modicum of class. So stay classy, San Diego: Euthanize Philip Rivers.

With all the hoopla surrounding Tom Brady and Randy Moss during the Patriots' record-breaking regular season, wide receiver Wes Welker, a.k.a., "the short fast white guy," has gone somewhat unrecognized. Watching "NFL Live" the other day, I was dumbfounded when I heard how many receptions Welker had in 2007. I know he's Mr. Third-Down Conversion and the receiver Brady looks to whenever the fit hits the shan, but Wes Welker had A LOT more grabs than I'd imagined during the regular season. If I'd had to guess, I'd have said he had 75, maybe 80, since I've seen just about every Pats game this year and Welker has caught at least 71 third-down conversions. However, I was stunned to learn that Wes Welker, who came into this season with 96 career catches in two seasons in Miami, caught 112 passes in 2007, which is tied for the 12th-highest season total in NFL history.

Despite this outstanding season, Welker is not going to the Pro Bowl next month in Hawaii, because Moss, Reggie Wayne, T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Braylon Edwards won out in voting for the four AFC receiver slots. None of them had a higher catch total than Welker (Housh had 112 as well). Then again, none of them was the second-best receiver on their own team, and Welker was clearly that: probably the reason why his peers didn't vote him to the Pro Bowl. That said, he can still take solace in knowing he's not the first ridiculously prolific wide receiver not to make the trip to Honolulu -- and he probably won't be the last.

In 1995, Brett Perriman caught 108 passes for the Detroit Lions. At the time, that was the 10th-highest season-catch total in NFL history. Unfortunately for Perriman, it was only the second-highest on his own team that season -- and 5th highest in the NFL.

1995 was the season EVERYONE decided to duck and chuck. Perriman's teammate Herman Moore set a then-NFL record with 123 catches, followed closely by Jerry Rice and Cris Carter with 122 apiece, and by "The Playmaker," Michael Irvin, who caught 111 passes for Dallas. As Brett Perriman can no doubt tell you, those four receivers shared one thing in common that year: They all played in the NFC. Perriman, like Welker this year, became a victim of numbers when it came to the Pro Bowl. Moore, Carter, Rice and Irvin all got invited to Hawaii, while Perriman probably got invited to sing the Star-Spangled Banner at a Pistons game. At least he could take solace in the Lions' playoff appearance...a 58-37 drubbing at the hands of the Eagles.

Wes Welker certainly won't be resting on his laurels during these playoffs. After all, Welker, unlike teammates Brady and Moss, has no laurels to rest on yet.

Until last year's AFC Championship Game, when the Colts finally beat the Patriots in the playoffs, the mantle belonged to Peyton Manning. Before that, it'd been worn by the likes of John Elway and Steve Young -- great quarterbacks who couldn't win the Big One, until of course they finally did.

With Manning's Super Bowl run last season, he finally shook the tag of big-game choker, something he'd been called since his college days at Tennessee, when the Volunteers could never get past both Florida and Vanderbilt in the same season. As a newly christened winner, Manning left some large shoes to fill, because the media -- in particular, the talk radio retards -- demand that one QB be known as the guy who can't win the big one. Given that, let's look at the candidates to replace Peyton Manning.

Eli Manning: With his name and pedigree, Eli should probably have the inside track on this. Not only does he have a propensity for being dumb at the worst moments, but he's got the humiliated body language of a long-time loser. Until last week's victory over the Buccaneers, the Giants had been one-and-done in the playoffs the last few years. That said, beating the Bucs wouldn't have been "winning the big one." So far Eli has set the bar too low. He needs to soil the sheets in an NFC title game - say, three years in a row, eh Donovan? -- before the rabble can start moaning about his lackluster play when the spotlight's brightest. Eli's safe for now, and if he can lead the Giants over the Cowboys -- on the road, against the NFC's #1 seed this week - he might even get laid.

Donovan McNabb: Perhaps it's unfair to discuss a quarterback whose team didn't even make the playoffs this year, but...wait, no it isn't. McNabb lost three straight NFC title games (which is like losing 3 straight NAIA title games), finally won one in January 2005, and then promptly threw up in the Super Bowl when the chips were down. So, four years, four big game losses: Fran Tarkenton made proud. McNabb should have slid right into Peyton Manning's seat after last season, but wisely chose to suck in the 2007 regular season, no doubt hoping media pundits would forget how often he's come up small in the past. We didn't forget, D-Mac. We're just waiting for you to crumble on stage in your hometown of Chicago next season.

Tony Romo: He's only been quarterbacking the offense in Dallas for a season and a half, yet it seems like Romo has been withering in big spots for years: He fumbled the extra point in last year's wild card game against Seattle, which would have tied it for Dallas, but instead sent Bill Parcells into retirement, then to ESPN, then to Atlanta, back to Bristol, and finally to Miami, where he fired Randy Mueller, Cam Cameron, Ray Finkle and Snowflake the Dolphin. Then, earlier this season, Romo got outplayed by Tom Brady and the Patriots in the supposed Game of the Century; threw 15 interceptions on MNF against the Bills; and now supposedly spent the bye week explaining the difference between chicken and chicken of the sea to girlfriend Jessica Simpson in Mexico. If the #1-seed Cowboys lose at home this week to the Giants, Romo Mexico will be the main contender for Manning's abdicated throne -- a meteoric rise for the Eastern Illinois alum, who never had the opportunity to lose the big one in college, since Eastern Illinois is a geographic region, not an accredited university.

Tim Tebow: In his inaugural season as Florida's starting QB, Tebow became the first sophomore to win the Heisman Trophy. But after leading Florida to 3 regular-season losses -- to Auburn, LSU and Georgia -- AND a loss to Michigan in the Capital One Bowl, it's obvious Tebow can't win the big one. With two seasons left in Gainesville, he has plenty of big games left to pad his resume, and assuming he goes on to a career in the NFL, may just go down in history as the sport's biggest loser.

Dan Marino: Plenty of NFL records (at least until a guy who could win the big one, Brett Favre, took most of them), but only one Super Bowl appearance for Marino in his career, and that was a loss to Joe Montana and the Niners. Unless he comes out of retirement, Marino will never be able to win the big one. "Ace Ventura" helped us to forget that, but only for 2 hours.

Philip Rivers: Great, you beat the vaunted Titans -- minus their two biggest offensive "weapons," Roydell Williams and Bo Scaife -- and you did it in convincing fashion...17-6, after trailing most of the game. Rivers's saving grace is that he plays for the current head coach most known for choking on prom night, Norv Turner, so if the Chargers #### out versus the Colts this Saturday (and they will), Turner will probably take the heat, while Rivers can simply go back to trash-talking the Mexicans who mow his lawn.

Quick,  name the winning quarterbacks on the last six Super Bowl winning teams. I'll give you a hint: One of them is the backup quarterback in Dallas (Brad Johnson), while the other five - though actually three - are Tom Brady (3), Peyton Manning and Ben Roethlisberger, whose post-season records dwarf the combined playoff accomplishments of Tony Romo (0 playoff wins), Philip Rivers (0 playoff wins), Eli Manning (0 playoff wins), David Garrard (O playoff appearances), Todd Collins (0 playoff appearances), Vince Young (0 playoff appearances), Matt Hasselbeck (plays for Seattle, i.e., can't win anything in any sport), Jeff Garcia (supposed "winner" who's never won any big playoff games), and Brett Favre, who hasn't done squat in the playoffs since appearing in "There's Something About Mary" 10 years ago.

Be honest, can you really see anyone else but Brady, Manning (the good one) or Roethlisberger hoisting the Lombardi Trophy in Arizona next month? Of course not. So enjoy the playoffs, get excited when the Giants beat the Bucs and the Titans beat the Bolts this weekend, but really, try to maintain perspective. The only team walking away with the hardware on Feb. 3 will come from the AFC. And the only teams from the AFC that have a legitimate shot are the aforementioned three, because the NFL is a quarterback league, especially in the playoffs, and Tom, Peyton and Big Ben have seen and done it all.

 

I'm not one to gripe about players' salaries, since the amount they receive is commensurate with the money taken in by the league. That said, I was reading USA Today's article about franchise and transition players, and it lists the top 10 salaries for each position. (A franchise player must at least be paid the average of the top 5 at his position, while a transition player must be paid the average of top 10). Anyway, some of the highest-paid players were, shall we say, interesting. Did you know, for instance, that Amani Toomer is the 9th highest-paid receiver in NFL at $6.375 million? Or that Laveranues Coles is 5th? These guys are nice players and all, but they're frankly the kind of players you begrudgingly pick on fantasy draft day. I mean, Amani Toomer?

I realize they play in New York, so that'll inflate their values, but between them Coles and Toomer have been to one Pro Bowl, won NO Super Bowls, and never led the league in ANY receiving categories. Are they pretty good players? Sure. Are they overpaid compared to guys like Reggie Wayne, Hines Ward, and Javon Walker? Absolutely. Let's look at the top 10 at each position, and let's see who's overpaid.

QB:

Brady $13.8 M per year

Vick

Palmer

Favre

Manning

McNabb

Tr. Green

Bulger

David Carr

Jake Plummer $7.157 M

Comments: Why are the Texans horrible? Maybe because they overpay a QB and don't bother to protect him with good linemen? How can you justify a $7.2 million per year contract for David Carr? Does that money include insurance benefits or something for all the sacks he takes?

Mike Shanahan has a reputation for being a genius, but what kind of knucklehead gives Jake Plummer $7.157 million a year? He had no track record of success, and now he's holding a clipboard for a Vandy grad (boo-yah!).

Bulger and Green are great fantasy quarterbacks, but they've never done anything remarkable in the playoffs.

And Michael Vick...whatever.

RB

Edge

Tiki

LDT

La. Jordan

Shaun A

Deuce

Warrick

Westbrook

Fraud Taylor

Rudi J

Comments: How in the Wide World of Sports is Lamont Jordan the 4th-highest paid RB in the NFL? And he got that contract after a "breakout" season as the Jets backup RB. Granted, he's a decent player (and their O-line sucks), but how can you invest that much money in an unproven back? Overpaying for a RB, but underpaying for an offensive line = Just suck, baby

Receivers:

Randy Moss

Holt

Andre J

Rod Smith

L Coles

Chad J

TO

Marvin

Amani

Larry Fitz

Comments: Randy Moss is playing himself right out of the Hall of Fame. Rod Smith has always been a great possession receiver, but #4 highest paid? Seems really high, since he was never considered an elite receiver. Very good, yes. Elite? No.

OK, for the rest of the positions, I'm just gonna comment, without listing the top 10

Tight end: Kyle Brady and Jim Kleinsasser both make more than Todd Heap.

O-line: How is Marvel Smith of PItt the 9th highest-paid lineman? I'm a Steelers fan and that's preposterously high.

Defensive ends: Bryant Young, the 4th-highest paid, still makes $7.8 M per year? Didn't he go Tim Krumrie like 8 years ago? No way the Niners are getting good return on him at this point.

Defensive tackles: Dewayne Robertson of the Jets is the highest paid at $9.4 M. I watch the Jets a lot, but apparently I'm not watching closely enough, b/c Dewayne is apparently the shiz-nit, which is news to me.

Linebackers: No big surprises here. Linebacker might be the most perfectly valued position in football, because this is the Top 10: Ray Ray, Zach, Bulluck, D. Brooks, Takeo, Morgan, Al Wilson, Urlacher, Colvin, Donnie Edwards. A lot of these guys are past their primes (Brooks and Edwards, in particular) but they were definitely deserving of their salaries at some point.

Cornerbacks: Green Bay's Charles Woodson hasn't made a good play since he hit Tom Brady in the head during the Tuck Rule play – and that was five years ago. How is he STIILL the #3 corner at $7.25 M? Quentin Jammer is seriously overrated too, and he's 5th at $7.07 M.

Safeties: Brian Dawkins is #1...and he damn well deserves to be. But Tony Parrish is 5th? And Greg Wesley 7th? Have the Chiefs ever NOT had a bad defense in the time Wesley has been posterizing their secondary? Watch NFL Countdown and you'll see Greg Wesley on the wrong end of more big plays than anyone. Well, except for Roy Williams of Dallas (who is the #2 highest-paid safety at $4.6 M).

Kickers and Punters:

Of the top 10, only Jason Elam has won a Super Bowl. Adam Vinatieri? Not even on the list, which is a freaking travesty. John Hall, however, is #4, and a prime example of Dan Snyder's inability to run a football team.

    Sunday's Super Bowl will be remembered as a game of firsts, with Peyton Manning's first championship at any level, the first half-time show played by a 5-2 Jehovah's Witness, and the first title won by a head coach not guided by Satan.
    In accepting the Lombardi Trophy, the Colts Tony Dungy let it be known that it was God's plan that he become the first Christian coach to win a Super Bowl title, and while I have no problem giving props to a white-bearded guy who’s never been seen, Dungy disrespected atheists, pantheists, and meteorology students worldwide when he overlooked the biggest influence on Sunday's game: the rain.
    Ever since January 1975, when the Steelers won their first Super Bowl on the slick, wind-driven field at Tulane Stadium in New Orleans, the NFL championship game has been held in domes or warm-weather climates. The thinking is two-fold: fans pay a lot of money to see the Super Bowl, so they should be able to enjoy it in a comfortable environment; and NFL officials don't want the outcome to be unduly affected by the weather (even though both teams are playing in the same conditions). Consequently, we get a stadium mostly filled with CEO's and their snot-nosed kids, watching a sanitized version of America's favorite sport.
    During the regular season, about the only things that will stop an NFL game are lightning, terrorism, and a natural disaster like Hurricane Katrina. From week to week, teams have to adjust to wind, rain, sleet, fog, snow, poor field conditions, and temperature extremes, both hot and cold.
    Teams like the Buffalo Bills are tested when they have to travel south to steaming hot Miami in September, and the Dolphins face a similar challenge when they head north to frigid Buffalo or New England in December. Dome teams have to play outside, and slow teams have to play on turf; guys on steroids have to face guys who don't use performance-enhancing drugs; law-abiding citizens have to play against the Cincinnati Bengals: These kinds of variables all contribute to the sport’s interest.
    Who doesn't love watching football in the snow? Not only is this type of game picturesque, but there's a good chance that several people are going to biff hard. And isn't that what we want in a football game? We want hitting, slipping, and biffing, pretty much in that order. I'm not suggesting that every Super Bowl be held at Lambeau Field in Green Bay, or in conditions akin to the 1967 NFL Championship game, a.k.a., the Ice Bowl, when sub-zero temperatures gave players frostbite (and some so severely that they still can’t feel their fingers). But there's a happy medium between the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field and places like Miami and San Diego, which haven't seen snow since the last Ice Age. By no means am I recommending Cleveland, but what about places like Philadelphia and New York? I mean, we’re crowning the champion of professional football here, so why always end the season indoors or amid pink flamingos? *
    While no Super Bowl will ever present the rugged possibilities of a mid-winter game in Green Bay, Sunday's championship game was probably as close as it gets. Not only were David #### and Puddy from “Seinfeld” getting soaked in the stands (no doubt wishing “Rules of Engagement” had been picked up by Fox last fall), but the field was wet, the ball was slick, the footing was uncertain, and the game was boiled down to its essence. Namely, protect the football.
    I had no vested interest in Sunday's game, because I'm not a fan of either team and I didn't bet on the game. I simply wanted to see a close, exciting contest, and that's exactly what we got for more than three quarters – and mainly because of the rain.
    There were four turnovers in the first quarter alone, and every time the ball was snapped, you kept expecting a turnover or something wacky. When the Colts went to tie the game at 7, Tony Romo dropped the extra point, and by the time I took the dog out and came back inside, the Bears had fumbled, the Colts had fumbled, the Bears had ripped off a 60-yard run, Rex Grossman had thrown a touchdown pass, and the Bears were ahead 14-6. It was one of those games where nothing would have surprised me.
    Five years ago, in the so-called “Tuck Rule Game,” I watched in person as the New England Patriots beat the Oakland Raiders in a near-blizzard at the old Foxboro Stadium in Massachusetts. Because I’m a Steelers fan, I had no vested interest in that game either, but I simply wanted to see a close, exciting contest, and that's exactly what I got, right through Adam Vinatieri's game-winning kick in overtime.
    Vinatieri is now the kicker for the Colts, and just before half-time in Sunday's game, he had a chance to kick a 36-yard field goal, which would have put the Colts ahead by five. But Vinatieri, who nailed two Super Bowl-winning kicks for the Patriots, missed wide left in the driving rain, a foul-up indicative of this Super Bowl, which wasn’t pretty.
    But really, is football supposed to be?


* The next three Super Bowls will be held in Glendale, Ariz., Tampa, Fla., and New Orleans.

Kidding. I just wanted to be the first person to say it, since someone always does. A few observations:

* Manning didn't deserve the MVP, and neither did Rhodes or Addai. Bob Sanders did. His forced fumble on Cedric Benson in the first quarter was enormous because the Colts were trailing by 8 at that point (14-6) and the Bears had the ball at midfield (Bears 48) and had just gained 13 yards on a pass play. It's the first quarter and they could have put some distance between themselves and the Colts, but Sanders filled the hole and popped Benson, an absolutely phenomenal hit. Colts didn't score on that turnover, but they stole some momentum back from the Bears, who never scored another touchdown.

Then, later, when the Bears were down 12 and trying to catch up, Sanders popped a Grossman pass from his duck blind in centerfield. Game over. Bob Sanders, MVP. Sure, Manning is the face of the team, but he played average at best, with one TD and one INT, and the terrible handoff to Addai up near his neck, which resulted in a fumble and could just as easily be pinned on Peyton. The MVP voters ran home to momma by giving it to Manning and not Sanders, who was not only the MVP of this game, but the primary reason for the team's post-season renaissance on defense.

* When Grossman throws the pump-fake-return INT, it's first down. Bears are only down 5 right there, and have had success with Thomas Jones running the ball. Chicago has already fumbled two snaps, and the game has been marred by turnovers. To have a chance to take the lead at that point is remarkable. And ya call a risky pass play on first down in the rain? Makes no sense. Sure, Grossman threw the ball, but who made the play call?

* Manning had strange body language in victory. He looked more relaxed and excited trying to get autographs from car insurance adjusters. Hey, Peyton, ya just won the Super Bowl. Show a little unchoreographed emotion.

* The Colts learned from their mistakes better than the Bears. After Hester's game-opening kickoff return, the Colts never kicked it to him again. After Manning's terrible INT in the first quarter, he didn't throw down the field unless he had to. The Bears defense, on the other hand, allowed the Colts to dink and dunk underneath, brought almost no pressure on Manning, and couldn't get off the field. Corner blitz? All-out blitz? Zone blitz? Something, anything, that was different?

* Where were the trick plays? There were none, on either side. I realize the weather was a factor, but wouldn't a trick play have worked even better given the fact that the defense REALLY wouldn't be expecting it? I'm not talking about flea flickers necessarily, but how about putting the ball in Bernard Berrian's hands on an end-around? The man's lightning fast, and given the fact that Grossman couldn't find him downfield, don't you have to get your homerun hitter involved some other way? The Colts seemed content to not make mistakes in the second half, confident the Bears could do nothing on offense. Not only did the Bears DO nothing, but they showed no creativity in getting there. The Steelers best pass in last year's Super Bowl was thrown by Randal El, because Big Ben was doing nothing. If nothing's working, don't ya have to try something different? Colts made great adjustments in this game, whether it was playcalling or reacting to the elements. The Bears did not.

* Finally, I'm glad it rained. I've always hated the idea of having the Super Bowl in an ultra-controlled environment, be it a dome or sunny weather. Aside from lightning and terrorism, nothing stops an NFL regular-season game. Teams have to adjust to wind, rain, sleet, fog, snow, poor turf, and temperature extremes. I'm glad, finally, that the two teams had to deal with these elements during the year's biggest game. It showed which team, the Colts, truly deserved to win.

NFL: Wow, what a surprise that Hall of Fame human being Bill Belichick supposedly ordered former linebacker Ted Johnson to practice, even though Johnson, who'd suffered several concussions, kept introducing himself as Batman. Is the honeymoon over yet, Pats fans? How long's the Kool-Aid last?

Super Bowl: Sorry, but I'm having a helluva time caring about this Super Bowl, and not because I don't like players on both sides, but because there's no one to hate. A quick recap:

2005: Steelers/Seahawks. I'm a Steelers fan, so I was kind of hoping they won.

2004/2003/2001: I hate the Patriots, so I was rooting against them every time.

2003: I was rooting against Sapp and Keyshawn, even though they were playing the Raiders.

2000: Rams/Titans – that was the last time I had NO emotional investment whatsoever, and that turned out to be a great freaking game. Hopefully that portends good things for this Sunday. Good luck to Urlacher and Manning. (Peyton, that is, not Ricky Junior.)

NBA: Remember when Carmelo Anthony had street cred? (I'm getting this second-hand, of course, since I abstain from the streets). I see his photo on the cover of ESPN the Magazine, alongside Allen Iverson, and I can only chuckle at the jailhouse-looking tats on Melo, who pedaled away from Channing Frye like Deion dropping into coverage in 1989. Come on, Carmelo, you never have a second chance to make a first fight impression, especially when you're named after an Italian candy car (I have no idea if this is true, please don't kill me.)

MLB: Since Barry Bonds is showing an unwillingness to go away, die, or confess to Matt Lauer, and Bud Selig and the BALCO investigators have been unable to keep him from approaching 755 home runs, it seems there's only one way to keep Bonds from passing Hank Aaron: To sign Aaron and throw him epheus pitches all season. Aaron, who turns 72 on Monday, can still turn on a beach ball, so there's no reason he can't stay ahead of Bonds, who currently trails him by 22 long balls.

I think the Dodgers should sign Hammering Hank. Not only would it be a big middle finger to the arch-rival Giants, but Aaron still owes the Dodgers from 1974, when Al Downing grooved 715 down the middle. (Seriously, we've all seen replays of that, and it's the kind of home run ya hit in Tommy Lasorda Baseball, when you're pitching to yourself.)

 

 

 

NFL: Which team are celebrities rooting for in the Super Bowl?

Bears fans: Jim Belushi, BJ McKay, Paul Bryant, Smokey the Bear, Grizzly Adams, Winnie the Pooh

Colts fans: Mr. Ed, Barbaro, Black Beauty, John “Johnny ####” Holmes, Ron Jeremy, Catherine the Great.

By the way, after Manning wins the Super Bowl, we’ll need a new player who’s great in the regular season but comes up short in the playoffs. That guy used to be John Elway, but then he won a Super Bowl. That coach used to be Bill Cowher, but then he won a Super Bowl. And so there’ll be a void when Peyton gets the #### off his back this Sunday. To fill this ultra-important position, I hereby nominate Tony Romo. He’s already proven that he can soil his drawers in a big moment, plus he plays for America’s Team, which means we’ll get to talk about his failures on Thanksgiving every year. Meanwhile, he needs to strike while the iron’s hot and do some commercials for “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter."

NBA: When Kevin Garnett lowers his head and drives to the basket, he looks like Predator. That has nothing to do with race and everything to do with being bald, black, and shiny.

MLB: Well, the trade between the Red Sox and Rockies for Todd Helton apparently fell apart because the Rockies refused to chop off Byung-Hyun Kim’s middle finger.

Random quotes from NFL Media Day:

Tank Johnson: "No, dude, it's one in the barrel, six in the clip. Gimme that, I'll show you."

 Rex Grossman: "An Oedipal Complex? I don't even have a son."

 Tony Dungy: "#### the police."

Lovie Smith: "Mariotti molests collies."

 Brian Urlacher: "Yeah, I've stayed at the Paris Hilton."

Cedric Benson: "Robert Guillaume is not my father, no."

 

 

(Happy birthday, DM)

NFL: Good to see that Jerry Jones learned nothing from the Parcells experiment, and is set to hire another over-the-hill coach who lacks the firepower to keep up with young turks. Jones has supposedly targeted Norv Turner Overdrive as the next coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Turner, who turned Troy Aikman into Neil O'Donnell with a better offensive line, reportedly beat out Dywade Phillips, another great coordinator who has failed as a head coach. Turner, Phillips, Dave Wannstedt, #### LeBeau, and Dom Capers are fine coordinators, but why in the name of Barbaro do people make the mistake of hiring them as head coaches? Enjoy, Cowboys fans, you'll be looking for a new head coach in two years, tops, which is about the same time Tony Romo will have regained his confidence.

Overheard: Ronnie Lott's amputated pinky to Peyton Manning's bruised thumb: "Whiny little bizaatch."

Prediction: Brian Griese plays a vital role in Super Bowl XLI.

MLB: Why couldn't we have euthanized Barry Bonds instead of Barbaro? I'd have rather watched a racehorse challenge Hank Aaron's career homerun record than a guy who got his middle name (Lamar) from the black homosexual in "Revenge of the Nerds."

Roger Clemens Watch!!!!: "If somebody makes a phone call, and I think I can do it again physically, I probably could," Clemens said of playing in 2007. "The only reason why I'd continued to play was because of my teammates calling me.” And then Clemens added, "And that includes my old teammates at the University of Texas. I'll audit classes and forge my birth certificate. Anything to keep playing. Love me, please love me. Want me, please want me."

MLB: Remember in 2005 when the Red Sox ended the season against the Yankees, and those games really mattered (ya know, until the Indians soiled their mocassins)? Well, apparently the geniuses in the MLB scheduling office have since been fired, because this is how the Sox and Yankees will end 2007: Red Sox play six games against the Twins (from the Central) and Oakland (from the West), while the Yankees end the season with 18 straight game against the AL East. Nice job of balancing things, fellas.

Golf: Yeah, we get it, Tiger Woods is good, but stop with this talk of a consecutive wins streak. He still gets to pick and choose when he plays, and Eldrick has only played seven PGA tournaments since last summer, which qualifies him for unemployment in 48 states and Guam. Win seven golf tourneys in seven weeks, then I'll be impressed (but I still won't call it a sport).

College basketball: Vandy in the top 25, baby, and now the Dores play Florida on Wednesday, which means I have two full days before I have to eat crow. If I've learned one thing in life, it's you never pass up the opportunity to trash talk on the Internet, and so my prediction is Dores by 75!

(R.I.P., WL)

Football: For the first time in Super Bowl history, two teams with five-letter names will be squaring off, and the combined totals of those two names, 10 (yeah, that’s 5 + 5), is tied for the second-lowest total ever, with the Rams/Titans in 2000. The lowest total? Super Bowl III, when the Jets beat the Colts....and that’s a 9-letter game. Reporters are working hard to come up with arcane stories for Super Bowl XLI, but none of them will come up with anything as useless as that.

Horseracing: Just wondering…what ever happened to that horse named Barbarossa, the one that won the Kentucky Derby last year? He wasn’t kidding when he said he was retired, because I haven’t heard a damn thing about him. They must have put him out to stud alongside Barry Sanders.

MLB: So the Red Sox and Rockies are supposedly hashing out a deal to lower Todd Helton’s career average average (.333), hoping to bring the Colorado first baseman to Boston in a trade of prospects. That’s great, because the Red Sox don’t have nearly enough firepower in their lineup, and if we’ve learned anything from the Yankees in the last six years, it’s that hitting always trumps good pitching, especially in October. Psst: Ya still need a closer, Theo, and Joel Pineiro isn’t the answer, unless the question is, “Who’s got the most feminine-sounding name in Major League Baseball?”

By the way, I commend Sammy Sosa’s willingness to come back and prove that MLB’s testing standards remain inadequate. 

 College football: Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis, who nearly died during gastric bypass surgery several years ago, is planning to sue the surgeons, claiming they acted so negligently that they left Weis close to death. Acting negligently because they left him close to death? How about acting negligently because they left him fat?

(Fine, I’m going to hell.)

It's one thing to have a young, green QB for the playoffs (Philip Rivers), but when your wideouts are dropping that many passes, you're doomed.

It's no coincidence that teams like the Eagles with Fred Ex and Pinkston, Chiefs with Eddie Kennison, Seahawks with Darrell Jackson, and now the Chargers with Eric Parker and Vincent Jackson have stumbled in the playoffs in recent years. Their wideouts kill them. How many balls did D Jax drop yesterday against Chicago? And how many easy passes did Parker and Jackson drop against NE, killing drives?

Parker dropped at least 3 easy balls and fumbled the punt. Meanwhile, Jackson dropped a few balls and then didn't drag his feet on that over the top TD pass. Really, it's amazing the Pats could win with how poorly they played, but in the end they simply made fewer costly mistakes and more big plays, and that's what always separates the teams.

Few teams can ever ride running backs to a Super Bowl title, because opposing coaches will always prefer to take away the running game and make the QB beat you, and if the QB and Wr's aren't doing their jobs, you're in trouble. Tomlinson did his job yesterday, and Rivers played adequately for his first playoff game, but his receivers did not.

Tom Brady didn't play well either, but I can't remember many (if any) easy drops by Pats receivers. Moreover, a Pats receiver (Troy Brown) made the play of the day, stripping Marlon McCree after the interception.

SD is tough, but they need reliable possession receivers beyond Antonio Gates, and Eric Parker and Vincent Jackson failed them yesterday.

The Pats cannot expect such favors from the Indy wideouts. The Colts are at home, on a fast track, and weather and the turf won't be a factor. And if SD exposed anything, it's that the Pats defense is very slow. If the Chargers wideouts had caught their passes, San Diego would have blown out New England yesterday. And I expect that's what will happen to NE in the title game next week - a repeat of the regular-season thrashing from the Colts.