(Fort Myers, FLA) -- When I arrived yesterday at the Red Sox' spring training facility here in Florida, a beautiful media relations assistant handed me a sheet of helpful story ideas. She told me it's an open secret that baseball writers traditionally recycle the same spring training stories from year to year, so to save newbies like me from unnecessary exertion, the Major League Baseball media relations department has compiled a versatile list of tried and true story lines, useful in covering all 30 teams. As you'll see from this list, which I'm printing here at great professional risk, it's merely a matter of filling in the blanks and perhaps adding a few quotes.
Like you, I thought baseball writers actually worked during spring training. Turns out they just do Mad Libs.
* Due to visa problems in his home country of _______, outfielder _____ _____ will not be reporting to camp on time, said team spokesman _____ _____. "It's an outstanding traffic issue. An unpaid ticket. It's nothing really, simply paperwork. We expect him to be in camp soon and ready to go."
* Still battling the lingering effects of off-season surgery on his left ______, All-Star _____ baseman _____ _____ plans to go easy this spring, hoping not to reaggravate an injury that kept him shelved for the second half of last season. "It's a long season, ya know. If I'm going to be a help to my team in October, when we all hope to be playing, there's no sense pushing myself now."
* Mentioned in the Mitchell Report as one of the 89 players, current or former, who used performance-enhancing drugs, a contrite ____ ____ admitted to "mistakes in the past," but refused to go into detail about what exactly he did wrong and whether he considered himself a cheater.
* Several of his teammates were named in the Mitchell Report, but _______ shortstop _____ _____ refused to comment on what effect, if any, their public exposure will have on the team's 2008 campaign.
* Looking pasty and somewhat overweight, long-time hunter _____ _____ said he spent the off-season killing bears with a longbow on his ranch in north ______.
* Perennial MVP candidate _____ _____ says the _____ have a great chance to win the World Series this year. "If you don't come into camp thinking you have a chance, why come to camp at all?" he said. When asked if his assessment was "smack talk," ______ said, "Confidence isn't arrogance. If you can back it up, it ain't boasting."
* With his arbitration hearing scheduled for next ______, reigning National League _____ king _____ _____ said he expects to receive a fair salary. "Things are cool between me and _____ management," he said. "It's a business. They have to protect their interests, and I have to protect mine."
* To the surprise of everyone in the _____ camp, outfielder _____ _____ reported early.
* Unsigned beyond this season, veteran reliever _____ _____ says he intends to test the free-agent market, and has no intention of giving a home-town discount to the ______, for whom he's pitched his entire career.
* Incumbent ______ fielder _____ _____ says he's aware of the trade rumors surrounding him, and intends to compete vigorously with rookie phenom ______ _____ for the team's starting position and its leadoff spot in the order.
* Veteran designated hitter ____ _____ says he'd like to finish his career in ______, which signed him to an incentive-laden contract when no one else would. "I love it here. My wife and kids love the community too. It's our home now," he said.
* Manager _____ _____ says the team's April schedule looks rather _____, with three early series against division opponents. "Hey, we don't make the schedules, we just play the games they tell us to play," he said.
* Journeyman pitcher _____ _____, known for his bullpen antics and clubhouse spirit, says the groupies in ______ give the best ______.
Topps baseball cards are hitting the market this week, and about one in every 70 packs will include a fake picture of Rudy Giuliani, the former New York City mayor, celebrating with the Red Sox on the field after their World Series win -- a liberty Topps took in creating various mock baseball cards this year, though Giuliani's will be the only one in wide release.
(For the full list of mock cards, see below).
Giuliani, a former presidential candidate, alienated some New York fans back in October by declaring he was rooting for Boston in the World Series -- "I'm an American league fan," he said -- and Topps ran with the idea, according to the Associated Press.
"We took that and thought it would make for a funny card, since the Red Sox won," said Clay Luraschi, baseball brand manager for The Topps Co. "We thought, let's put him in the championship dog pile."
Topps did something similar a year ago, inserting President Bush into the stands and Mickey Mantle into the dugout in the background of Derek Jeter's card.
Beyond the Giuliani card, the following baseball cards were created specially for Topps 2008, and sources tell me these rare and valuable pieces will be popping up in random packs as well.
* Rick Ankiel signing for a FedEx package.
* Kansas City Owner David Glass pushing a shopping cart out of Wal-Mart, filled with free agents who aren't good-value has-beens.
* Johnny Damon, his left arm replaced by the Bionic Woman's.
* Barry Bonds kissing the asterisk ball.
* Matt Holliday standing on first base, refusing to move.
* Moises Alou wiping his hands with a moist toilette.
* Mike Winters laughing at Milton Bradley as he writhes on the ground.
* C.C. Sabathia, his hat held straight by a neck halo.
* Brett Myers getting cold-cocked by his wife.
* Suzyn Waldman having sex with the New York Yankees.
* Eric Wedge burning a white towel.
* Clint Hurdle burning a white towel.
* Willie Randolph smoking a cigar.
* Manny Ramirez reaching into the Monster Seats to make a bare-handed grab.
* Joe Torre awake in the dugout.
* Sen. John Edwards chasing an ambulance.
* Jonathan Papelbon rooting through his dog's ####
Hall of Fame candidate Jose Rijo, pissed that he received no votes from the Baseball Writers Association of America, is planning to make a brief comeback next season with the Cincinnati Reds. Rijo, the 1990 World Series MVP, received one vote the last time he was eligible for Cooperstown, and said he wants to reverse the trend -- so he plans to play briefly, retire, and then wait five years to become eligible a third time.
“I got one vote last time and got no votes this time? How can that be? Who voted for me last time and why didn’t he vote for me again? Is he toying with me? He better be dead, because I’m going to kill him.”
According to the National Baseball Hall of Fame Web site, “(A)rm injuries sent a then 30-year-old Rijo to a premature retirement in 1995. (After that) he appeared on the writers' ballot in 2001 and received one vote. He came out of retirement later that year at age 36 and worked in 44 games over two more seasons for Cincinnati, including nine starts.”
Of the candidates on the ballot for the first time (though in Rijo’s case, it was really the second), only Brady Anderson received 0 votes too. Todd Stottlyemyre, Chuck Knoblauch, David Justice, Chuck Finley and Shawon Dunston all received 1.
Asked whether he planned to follow Rijo’s course of action and come out of retirement, Dunston said, “No, I’m gonna stay retired. I’m happy with my 1 vote, and frankly, I’d rather not put it in jeopardy like he did.”
Between now and January 9th, when the Baseball Hall of Fame announces its induction class for 2007, a lot of sportswriters and editorial writers will weigh in on the candidacy of former St. Louis Cardinal slugger Mark McGwire, whose prodigious on-field accomplishments – 583 career home runs, including 70 in 1998 – have been tainted by allegations of steroid use, most notably by former teammate Jose Canseco, who claims he and McGwire used to inject each other with the performance-enhancing drugs. When a Congressional committee investigating steroid use in Major League Baseball asked him about this, McGwire repeatedly replied, “I’m not here to talk about the past,” which rankled a lot of people, particularly the sanctimonious types who said his actions were dishonorable, that he was a bad role model for children, and that redheads are always up to no good.
Now, for the first time, McGwire is eligible for Cooperstown, and baseball purists are lining up against him. With former greats like Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken Jr. up for induction too, the holier-than-thou people say McGwire doesn’t deserve the honor of standing on the dais alongside the 8-time batting champ and the Iron Man of Baltimore, both of whom are locks for induction. “It’ll be a travesty!” they say. “The hallowed halls will be tainted forever!”
Well, to guarantee that Ripken, who promulgated the silly notion that working every day was somehow admirable, doesn’t have to share the stage with a guy who took shortcuts, I propose a simple solution: Don’t elect Ripken to the Baseball Hall of Fame.
A quick history lesson: The hall of fame in Cooperstown was started in 1935, to commemorate the 100th anniversary of baseball, which was supposedly invented in that small New York village by Abner Doubleday. During the Depression, the town was reeling from unemployment and lost businesses and villagers hoped the creation of a baseball museum would bring money and interest to the area. As part of the new museum, baseball executives proposed the enshrinement of certain players, and they called on baseball writers to elect an inaugural class. Writers selected Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, Honus Wagner, Walter Johnson, and Christy Mathewson. When the museum doors officially opened in 1939, it was the first hall of fame of any kind, anywhere. That’s right, it was the progenitor of the Football Hall of Fame, the Fairfield County Hall of Fame, The Explorers Hall of Fame, The International Tennis Hall of Fame, The Cowgirls Hall of Fame, The Bowling Hall of Fame, The Volleyball Hall of Fame, The National Amateur Softball Hall of Fame, The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, The County Music Hall of Fame, The Paralympic Hall of Fame, The Pinball Hall of Fame, The National Toy Hall of Fame, The Hollywood Walk of Fame, and the Hallmark Hall of Fame (I think).
In theory, these are great institutions, since they promote the study, understanding, and appreciation of sports, music, hobbies, inventions, and Tyne Daly. In practice, however, every hall of fame has unfortunate ancillary baggage. Namely, the induction of individuals and all the stupidity that entails.
Every induction process – from cowgirls to country music – is rife with prejudice, favoritism, and sanctimony. Phil Rizzuto is in the Baseball Hall of Fame, but Pete Rose and Shoeless Joe Jackson are not. UConn coach Jim Calhoun is in the Basketball Hall of Fame, but Adrian Dantley is still waiting. Joe Namath, who had 47 more interceptions than touchdowns in his career, was basically elected to the Football Hall of Fame on the merits of one game (Super Bowl III), while it took a quarter century for John Madden to be elected, even though his video game set the standard for 15 years. Do you care about these respective injustices? Probably not. And your knee-jerk reaction to the McGwire case is probably, “Who freakin’ cares?”
Well, the thing is, this is America, land of the dead, beaten horse; and this is baseball, the national pastime, so you won’t be able to avoid this news story, which is not going away – ever. You’ll be forced, perhaps subconsciously, to have an opinion, because McGwire’s candidacy, and the candidacy of every other player from the so-called Steroids Era, will be called into question, every year from now until the Rapture.
Now, did McGwire use juice? I don’t know, but he certainly quacked like a duck to Congress, so I’m willing to believe he did. Does that mean he doesn’t belong in the Hall of Fame? Well, if you’ve actually been to the Hall of Fame, you’ll know that he’s already in there. So, too, are Pete Rose and Shoeless Joe Jackson. Their records are there, and their names are listed for everyone to see. “Hold it,” you say, “they don’t have individual plaques.”
That’s true. And I don’t think anyone else should either.
Baseball should get rid of individual Hall of Fame plaques. The hall is a museum, a catalog of accomplishments, and individual plaques add nothing. For instance, they won’t tell you anything you don’t already know about Babe Ruth or Eppa Rixey (if you actually know about Eppa Rixey). I mean, ya know what it says on the Babe’s slab? We’re talking about the Sultan of Swat, the greatest baseball player in the history of the game, and he’s immortalized by this paragraph:
“Greatest drawing card in history of baseball. Holder of many home run and other batting records. Gathered 714 home runs in addition to fifteen in World Series.”
That’s it. Beyond the shoddy way in which it’s worded (he “gathered” 714 home runs? What are they, apples?), the plaque adds little to our collective knowledge of Ruth. Ask a 12-year-old about the Babe, and he (or she) would probably be able to tell you a lot more than that – even if it’s only that garbage about the Curse of the Bambino.
If Ripken gets elected, his plaque will no doubt mention his consecutive-games streak, and maybe his two MVP awards. But if he didn’t have a plaque, would this information somehow be lost to history? No. The only thing lost by the elimination of individual plaques and induction ceremonies is one more opportunity to kiss the butt of a world-class athlete, a guy who got to play a children’s game for a living. I mean, do retired players, who’ve had sunshine blown up their keisters since high school, really need more adulation? Conversely, do great players like Dale Murphy, Jim Rice, and Goose Gossage – some of the best players of my youth – deserve the ignominy of spending their twilights fielding “compliments” from fans who say, “It’s a travesty. You should be in the Hall of Fame”? Sure, fans mean it as a pat on the back, but after about 15 years, how can a player not start feeling like a failure? And that’s just wrong. Rice and Murphy don’t deserve that (though Gossage does, that baby).
Kidding.
I’ve been to two induction ceremonies: in 1999, for former Red Sox catcher Carlton Fisk, whose acceptance speech was so I long I nearly got sunstroke; and in 1996, for former Baltimore Orioles manager Ned Hanlon, my great-great-grandfather, whose acceptance speech was short, because he died in 1937. These yearly events are fun and a boon to the Cooperstown economy, but the hall won’t exactly suffer without these marketing vehicles. I mean, ya ever been to the Hall of Fame during the summer? It’s packed all day long.
While I’d like to see the end of individual plaques, I’m not holding my breath. The players certainly don’t want to end this process, and baseball writers certainly don’t want to relinquish their powerful voting rights, though some employers are now making them.
Between now and Dec. 31, when ballots must be postmarked, approximately 575 sportswriters will decide whether Mark McGwire should be honored alongside Cal Ripken Jr. Early indications say McGwire won’t get the 75 percent of votes necessary for induction, and so we’ll have to revisit his candidacy again next year, and the year after that, ad nauseum.
Soon enough, Rafael Palmeiro will become eligible for induction. And then Sammy Sosa, and then Barry Bonds, and then Roger Clemens, and many other players accused of steroid use. Will they gather enough votes? Will they get individual plaques like Ken Griffey Jr. or Derek Jeter or Greg Maddux or other players who, to this point anyway, have escaped accusation? I don’t know. But if I had a vote, I wouldn’t vote for any of them. These players don’t need another day in the sun, and we don’t need to hear the same regurgitated news stories for the rest of our lives.
Cameron Martin. Finalist in Fox Sports Next Great Sportswriter contest. I cover the Red Sox for Comcast SportsNet New England and Major League Baseball for
Bugs & Cranks
(Fort Myers, FLA) -- When I arrived yesterday at the Red Sox' spring training facility here in Florida, a beautiful media relations assistant handed me a sheet of helpful story ideas. She told me it's an open secret that baseball writers traditionally recycle the same spring training stories from year to year, so to save newbies like me from unnecessary exertion, the Major League Baseball media relations department has compiled a versatile list of tried and true story lines, useful in covering all 30 teams. As you'll see from this list, which I'm printing here at great professional risk, it's merely a matter of filling in the blanks and perhaps adding a few quotes. 
