(Fort Myers, FLA) -- When I arrived yesterday at the Red Sox' spring training facility here in Florida, a beautiful media relations assistant handed me a sheet of helpful story ideas. She told me it's an open secret that baseball writers traditionally recycle the same spring training stories from year to year, so to save newbies like me from unnecessary exertion, the Major League Baseball media relations department has compiled a versatile list of tried and true story lines, useful in covering all 30 teams. As you'll see from this list, which I'm printing here at great professional risk, it's merely a matter of filling in the blanks and perhaps adding a few quotes.
Like you, I thought baseball writers actually worked during spring training. Turns out they just do Mad Libs.
* Due to visa problems in his home country of _______, outfielder _____ _____ will not be reporting to camp on time, said team spokesman _____ _____. "It's an outstanding traffic issue. An unpaid ticket. It's nothing really, simply paperwork. We expect him to be in camp soon and ready to go."
* Still battling the lingering effects of off-season surgery on his left ______, All-Star _____ baseman _____ _____ plans to go easy this spring, hoping not to reaggravate an injury that kept him shelved for the second half of last season. "It's a long season, ya know. If I'm going to be a help to my team in October, when we all hope to be playing, there's no sense pushing myself now."
* Mentioned in the Mitchell Report as one of the 89 players, current or former, who used performance-enhancing drugs, a contrite ____ ____ admitted to "mistakes in the past," but refused to go into detail about what exactly he did wrong and whether he considered himself a cheater.
* Several of his teammates were named in the Mitchell Report, but _______ shortstop _____ _____ refused to comment on what effect, if any, their public exposure will have on the team's 2008 campaign.
* Looking pasty and somewhat overweight, long-time hunter _____ _____ said he spent the off-season killing bears with a longbow on his ranch in north ______.
* Perennial MVP candidate _____ _____ says the _____ have a great chance to win the World Series this year. "If you don't come into camp thinking you have a chance, why come to camp at all?" he said. When asked if his assessment was "smack talk," ______ said, "Confidence isn't arrogance. If you can back it up, it ain't boasting."
* With his arbitration hearing scheduled for next ______, reigning National League _____ king _____ _____ said he expects to receive a fair salary. "Things are cool between me and _____ management," he said. "It's a business. They have to protect their interests, and I have to protect mine."
* To the surprise of everyone in the _____ camp, outfielder _____ _____ reported early.
* Unsigned beyond this season, veteran reliever _____ _____ says he intends to test the free-agent market, and has no intention of giving a home-town discount to the ______, for whom he's pitched his entire career.
* Incumbent ______ fielder _____ _____ says he's aware of the trade rumors surrounding him, and intends to compete vigorously with rookie phenom ______ _____ for the team's starting position and its leadoff spot in the order.
* Veteran designated hitter ____ _____ says he'd like to finish his career in ______, which signed him to an incentive-laden contract when no one else would. "I love it here. My wife and kids love the community too. It's our home now," he said.
* Manager _____ _____ says the team's April schedule looks rather _____, with three early series against division opponents. "Hey, we don't make the schedules, we just play the games they tell us to play," he said.
* Journeyman pitcher _____ _____, known for his bullpen antics and clubhouse spirit, says the groupies in ______ give the best ______.
Topps baseball cards are hitting the market this week, and about one in every 70 packs will include a fake picture of Rudy Giuliani, the former New York City mayor, celebrating with the Red Sox on the field after their World Series win -- a liberty Topps took in creating various mock baseball cards this year, though Giuliani's will be the only one in wide release.
(For the full list of mock cards, see below).
Giuliani, a former presidential candidate, alienated some New York fans back in October by declaring he was rooting for Boston in the World Series -- "I'm an American league fan," he said -- and Topps ran with the idea, according to the Associated Press.
"We took that and thought it would make for a funny card, since the Red Sox won," said Clay Luraschi, baseball brand manager for The Topps Co. "We thought, let's put him in the championship dog pile."
Topps did something similar a year ago, inserting President Bush into the stands and Mickey Mantle into the dugout in the background of Derek Jeter's card.
Beyond the Giuliani card, the following baseball cards were created specially for Topps 2008, and sources tell me these rare and valuable pieces will be popping up in random packs as well.
* Rick Ankiel signing for a FedEx package.
* Kansas City Owner David Glass pushing a shopping cart out of Wal-Mart, filled with free agents who aren't good-value has-beens.
* Johnny Damon, his left arm replaced by the Bionic Woman's.
* Barry Bonds kissing the asterisk ball.
* Matt Holliday standing on first base, refusing to move.
* Moises Alou wiping his hands with a moist toilette.
* Mike Winters laughing at Milton Bradley as he writhes on the ground.
* C.C. Sabathia, his hat held straight by a neck halo.
* Brett Myers getting cold-cocked by his wife.
* Suzyn Waldman having sex with the New York Yankees.
* Eric Wedge burning a white towel.
* Clint Hurdle burning a white towel.
* Willie Randolph smoking a cigar.
* Manny Ramirez reaching into the Monster Seats to make a bare-handed grab.
* Joe Torre awake in the dugout.
* Sen. John Edwards chasing an ambulance.
* Jonathan Papelbon rooting through his dog's ####
Former baseball greats Jim Rice, Bert Blyleven and Goose Gossage are among the 25 Hall of Fame candidates who'll be anxiously awaiting a phone call from Cooperstown Tuesday afternoon, when the 2008 inductees are announced. For Rice, Blyleven and Gossage, who've each been on the ballot at least 9 years, this has become an annual day of anguish, as they and others wait - some with genuine hope, others with brave resignation - for their telephone to ring and for the president of the Baseball Hall of Fame to say, "Congratulations, ####, and welcome to Cooperstown."
To combat their inevitable case of nerves, each candidate has their own plan for tomorrow, and most of them took my phone call and graciously agreed to discuss it with me. Some of these guys have been dealing with Hall of Fame announcement day for years (Rice is on the ballot for the 14th time), while others are doing this for the first and last time, like Shawon Dunston and Travis Fryman, who have as much chance of getting 5 percent of the vote - the threshold for staying on the ballot - as John Slais.
Who? Exactly.
Anyway, here are their responses, in alphabetical order.
* Brady Anderson - "I'm going to watch a 90210 marathon on TV Land, then I'm going to trim my sideburns and strike a pose."
* Harold Baines - "I'll be exuding class."
* Rod Beck - Did not return repeated calls seeking comment.
* Bert Blyleven - "I'm going to go jogging in the morning, but I'll be home sitting by the phone by eleven."
* Dave Concepcion - "(I'll be) kissing Joe Morgan's butt, hoping he can get me in through the Veterans Committee."
* Andre Dawson - "Drinking a pitcher every 10 minutes until I pass out. Then every 7 minutes."
* Shawon Dunston - "I'll be finding you to kick your freaking butt. For the fifth time, it's pronounced 'Sha-WAN,' wiseass, not 'Chone.' "
* Chuck Finley - "I'll be hoping my ex-wife doesn't find me."
* Travis Fryman - "I'll be getting ready to manage the Class A Mahoning Valley Scrappers."
* Goose Gossage - "Like Hillary Clinton, I'll be working on my concession speech."
* Tommy John - "First I'm gonna have a Tommy John breakfast. Then I'm gonna take a Tommy John shower, followed by a Tommy John toilet break, a Tommy John jog, a Tommy John lunch and a Tommy John nap."
* David Justice - "Ya seen the Billy Bob sex scenes in 'Monster's Ball'? Me neither...yet."
* Chuck Knoblauch - "Same as every day, working on my throws to first."
* Don Mattingly - "I'm gonna spend the day looking like I smelled a ####."
* Mark McGwire - "The Tuesday when the elections are announced? I'll probably spend it talking about the past."
* Dale Murphy - "I'll be smiling on Tuesday, no matter what."
* Robb Nen - "(I'll be) chuckling over the possibility that they'd mistakenly write Rob Nenn on my Hall of Fame plaque...because my name has two b's and one n, not two n's and one b..."
* Dave Parker - "No, I will not be doing coke to take the edge off."
*Tim Raines - "No, I will not be doing coke to take the edge off."
* Jim Rice - "I'll be hating members of the media."
* Jose Rijo - "Que es esto?"
*Lee Smith - "Man, I had the biggest johnson in baseball, you'd think that would earn me the benefit of the doubt, don't you? Wait, what was the question?"
* Todd Stottlemyre - "I'm not retired, so I don't know what you're talking about."
* Alan Trammell - "Whitaker and I will be doing, well, stuff together."
NFL: Given that the NFL is a league of copycats, we can rest assured that homeless-looking cheaters will soon become the new norm in NFL head coaches. After all, the Associated Press just voted Bill Belichick coach of the year, thereby condoning infidelity, cheating and bad sartorial choices.
NFL: ESPN.com has a headline that reads, “Titans down second offensive threat for playoffs,” and it took me several minutes to even think of one Titans offensive threat. Apparently in Tennessee you qualify as a threat simply if your name is Bo (Scaife).
Oh, and the first offensive weapon? Roydell Williams...
ESPN: Who's the genius who devised that Buy or Sell component on "Around the Horn"? It's nonsensical, contradictory, and it gives me a freakin' headache.
MLB: Billy Beane, who admits his “#### doesn’t work in the post-season," apparently wants to be consistent throughout the season, because no matter how you slice it, trading Dan Haren and Nick Swisher is conceding defeat. It’s commendable, I guess, that Beane can rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic every few years, but the fact is, the A’s still always sink well before they reach New York.
MLB: You know you’ve ticked off your editor when your assignment is, “Write the story about Shawon Dunston's Hall of Fame candidacy,” which is what happened to Carrie Muskat at MLB.com.
Cameron Martin. Finalist in Fox Sports Next Great Sportswriter contest. I cover the Red Sox for Comcast SportsNet New England and Major League Baseball for
Bugs & Cranks
(Fort Myers, FLA) -- When I arrived yesterday at the Red Sox' spring training facility here in Florida, a beautiful media relations assistant handed me a sheet of helpful story ideas. She told me it's an open secret that baseball writers traditionally recycle the same spring training stories from year to year, so to save newbies like me from unnecessary exertion, the Major League Baseball media relations department has compiled a versatile list of tried and true story lines, useful in covering all 30 teams. As you'll see from this list, which I'm printing here at great professional risk, it's merely a matter of filling in the blanks and perhaps adding a few quotes. 
