(Fort Myers, FLA) -- When I arrived yesterday at the Red Sox' spring training facility here in Florida, a beautiful media relations assistant handed me a sheet of helpful story ideas. She told me it's an open secret that baseball writers traditionally recycle the same spring training stories from year to year, so to save newbies like me from unnecessary exertion, the Major League Baseball media relations department has compiled a versatile list of tried and true story lines, useful in covering all 30 teams. As you'll see from this list, which I'm printing here at great professional risk, it's merely a matter of filling in the blanks and perhaps adding a few quotes.
Like you, I thought baseball writers actually worked during spring training. Turns out they just do Mad Libs.
* Due to visa problems in his home country of _______, outfielder _____ _____ will not be reporting to camp on time, said team spokesman _____ _____. "It's an outstanding traffic issue. An unpaid ticket. It's nothing really, simply paperwork. We expect him to be in camp soon and ready to go."
* Still battling the lingering effects of off-season surgery on his left ______, All-Star _____ baseman _____ _____ plans to go easy this spring, hoping not to reaggravate an injury that kept him shelved for the second half of last season. "It's a long season, ya know. If I'm going to be a help to my team in October, when we all hope to be playing, there's no sense pushing myself now."
* Mentioned in the Mitchell Report as one of the 89 players, current or former, who used performance-enhancing drugs, a contrite ____ ____ admitted to "mistakes in the past," but refused to go into detail about what exactly he did wrong and whether he considered himself a cheater.
* Several of his teammates were named in the Mitchell Report, but _______ shortstop _____ _____ refused to comment on what effect, if any, their public exposure will have on the team's 2008 campaign.
* Looking pasty and somewhat overweight, long-time hunter _____ _____ said he spent the off-season killing bears with a longbow on his ranch in north ______.
* Perennial MVP candidate _____ _____ says the _____ have a great chance to win the World Series this year. "If you don't come into camp thinking you have a chance, why come to camp at all?" he said. When asked if his assessment was "smack talk," ______ said, "Confidence isn't arrogance. If you can back it up, it ain't boasting."
* With his arbitration hearing scheduled for next ______, reigning National League _____ king _____ _____ said he expects to receive a fair salary. "Things are cool between me and _____ management," he said. "It's a business. They have to protect their interests, and I have to protect mine."
* To the surprise of everyone in the _____ camp, outfielder _____ _____ reported early.
* Unsigned beyond this season, veteran reliever _____ _____ says he intends to test the free-agent market, and has no intention of giving a home-town discount to the ______, for whom he's pitched his entire career.
* Incumbent ______ fielder _____ _____ says he's aware of the trade rumors surrounding him, and intends to compete vigorously with rookie phenom ______ _____ for the team's starting position and its leadoff spot in the order.
* Veteran designated hitter ____ _____ says he'd like to finish his career in ______, which signed him to an incentive-laden contract when no one else would. "I love it here. My wife and kids love the community too. It's our home now," he said.
* Manager _____ _____ says the team's April schedule looks rather _____, with three early series against division opponents. "Hey, we don't make the schedules, we just play the games they tell us to play," he said.
* Journeyman pitcher _____ _____, known for his bullpen antics and clubhouse spirit, says the groupies in ______ give the best ______.
Cleveland Indians fans ought to be rejoicing about C.C. Sabathia's decision to postpone contract negotiations until after the season. The reigning American Cy Young Award winner will be a free agent after 2008, and the Indians had reportedly offered him a contract extension in the neighborhood of four years/$68 million. But rather than sign what he believes is a below-market contract (especially in light of Johan Santana's $123.1 million deal with the New York Mets), Sabathia will pitch his walk year without the insurance of a long-term deal. If you're an Indians fan, you have to love this, because Sabathia will be motivated and focused, leading a pitching staff that took the World Series-winning Red Sox to 7 games in the American League Championship Series, as opposed to the Sabathia they could have had, i.e., a paid, content Shaun Alexander clone, who leads his team to the precipice of greatness, wins an MVP award, gets paid, lands on the cover of Madden football, can't stay healthy, and is soon splitting carries with Maurice Morris.
Let the player stay hungry, I say. Last season, that's what the Red Sox did with Curt Schilling and what the Yankees did with Mariano Rivera, and it certainly motivated those two guys, albeit after some ####ing, posturing and threats to walk after the season. Listen, the player can pout all he wants, but it does him no good. If he's in his walk year, he needs to perform in order to get paid well in his next contract.
What good is it to lock up Sabathia with a $100 million deal right now? Sure, it'd be great for him. But I'm telling you, that guy'd weigh 350 by the All-Star break, and frankly, I wouldn't blame him. If you handed me a guaranteed contract worth that kind of scratch, where's my head going to be? On staying fit, healthy and motivated? Or on buying a small private island in the Caribbean? It's quaint to say that players are professionals and they'll go out and do their jobs, regardless of whether they're making the league minimum or A-Rod money. But the fact is, they're humans first. Ask any Bronze Age caveman: "If you knew you could stay back at the fire, eat, drink and fornicate all day, wouldn't that affect your attitude towards hunting?" Of course it would, because in the back of his half-formed cranium, he's thinking, "Man, I don't need this ####"
All you need to know about $100 million contracts are the names of the pitchers who've signed them: Kevin Brown, Mike Hampton, Barry Zito and, now, Johan Santana. After signing their deals, Brown, Hampton and Zito won as many World Series as Joba Chamberlain. Sure, Zito only signed his contract last year, but the Giants will be contending for titles when Brian McNamee lands his next job in baseball.
On the face of it, the Mets fleeced the Twins by sending them the poo-poo platter for Santana, who's won two Cy Youngs in the last four years. But the Twins' biggest mistake was not keeping Santana and making him pitch through his walk year. I realize the Twins can't afford to pay him the same kind of money that Cleveland can possibly pay Sabathia, but the situation is somewhat comparable. The Indians, who haven't won a World Series since 1948, probably have no intention of signing Sabathia to a 6-year contract in the neighborhood of $120 million, even after this season. Consequently, they've decided to make their run now in 2008, which is exactly what the Twins should have done. With Santana and Francisco Liriano, I believe the Twins had an outstanding chance to win the World Series this season. Instead, they trade him to the Mets for a bunch of prospects, while the Tigers improved greatly and the Indians remain hungry and on the brink.
And what do the Mets get in Santana? They get a caveman with a full belly, who's supposed to be motivated by the opportunity to make his legacy in New York, winning championships.
Frankly, I'd rather have the hungry guy, motivated to get paid, rather than the paid guy, motivated to justify the money he's already received.
Topps baseball cards are hitting the market this week, and about one in every 70 packs will include a fake picture of Rudy Giuliani, the former New York City mayor, celebrating with the Red Sox on the field after their World Series win -- a liberty Topps took in creating various mock baseball cards this year, though Giuliani's will be the only one in wide release.
(For the full list of mock cards, see below).
Giuliani, a former presidential candidate, alienated some New York fans back in October by declaring he was rooting for Boston in the World Series -- "I'm an American league fan," he said -- and Topps ran with the idea, according to the Associated Press.
"We took that and thought it would make for a funny card, since the Red Sox won," said Clay Luraschi, baseball brand manager for The Topps Co. "We thought, let's put him in the championship dog pile."
Topps did something similar a year ago, inserting President Bush into the stands and Mickey Mantle into the dugout in the background of Derek Jeter's card.
Beyond the Giuliani card, the following baseball cards were created specially for Topps 2008, and sources tell me these rare and valuable pieces will be popping up in random packs as well.
* Rick Ankiel signing for a FedEx package.
* Kansas City Owner David Glass pushing a shopping cart out of Wal-Mart, filled with free agents who aren't good-value has-beens.
* Johnny Damon, his left arm replaced by the Bionic Woman's.
* Barry Bonds kissing the asterisk ball.
* Matt Holliday standing on first base, refusing to move.
* Moises Alou wiping his hands with a moist toilette.
* Mike Winters laughing at Milton Bradley as he writhes on the ground.
* C.C. Sabathia, his hat held straight by a neck halo.
* Brett Myers getting cold-cocked by his wife.
* Suzyn Waldman having sex with the New York Yankees.
* Eric Wedge burning a white towel.
* Clint Hurdle burning a white towel.
* Willie Randolph smoking a cigar.
* Manny Ramirez reaching into the Monster Seats to make a bare-handed grab.
* Joe Torre awake in the dugout.
* Sen. John Edwards chasing an ambulance.
* Jonathan Papelbon rooting through his dog's ####
Former baseball greats Jim Rice, Bert Blyleven and Goose Gossage are among the 25 Hall of Fame candidates who'll be anxiously awaiting a phone call from Cooperstown Tuesday afternoon, when the 2008 inductees are announced. For Rice, Blyleven and Gossage, who've each been on the ballot at least 9 years, this has become an annual day of anguish, as they and others wait - some with genuine hope, others with brave resignation - for their telephone to ring and for the president of the Baseball Hall of Fame to say, "Congratulations, ####, and welcome to Cooperstown."
To combat their inevitable case of nerves, each candidate has their own plan for tomorrow, and most of them took my phone call and graciously agreed to discuss it with me. Some of these guys have been dealing with Hall of Fame announcement day for years (Rice is on the ballot for the 14th time), while others are doing this for the first and last time, like Shawon Dunston and Travis Fryman, who have as much chance of getting 5 percent of the vote - the threshold for staying on the ballot - as John Slais.
Who? Exactly.
Anyway, here are their responses, in alphabetical order.
* Brady Anderson - "I'm going to watch a 90210 marathon on TV Land, then I'm going to trim my sideburns and strike a pose."
* Harold Baines - "I'll be exuding class."
* Rod Beck - Did not return repeated calls seeking comment.
* Bert Blyleven - "I'm going to go jogging in the morning, but I'll be home sitting by the phone by eleven."
* Dave Concepcion - "(I'll be) kissing Joe Morgan's butt, hoping he can get me in through the Veterans Committee."
* Andre Dawson - "Drinking a pitcher every 10 minutes until I pass out. Then every 7 minutes."
* Shawon Dunston - "I'll be finding you to kick your freaking butt. For the fifth time, it's pronounced 'Sha-WAN,' wiseass, not 'Chone.' "
* Chuck Finley - "I'll be hoping my ex-wife doesn't find me."
* Travis Fryman - "I'll be getting ready to manage the Class A Mahoning Valley Scrappers."
* Goose Gossage - "Like Hillary Clinton, I'll be working on my concession speech."
* Tommy John - "First I'm gonna have a Tommy John breakfast. Then I'm gonna take a Tommy John shower, followed by a Tommy John toilet break, a Tommy John jog, a Tommy John lunch and a Tommy John nap."
* David Justice - "Ya seen the Billy Bob sex scenes in 'Monster's Ball'? Me neither...yet."
* Chuck Knoblauch - "Same as every day, working on my throws to first."
* Don Mattingly - "I'm gonna spend the day looking like I smelled a ####."
* Mark McGwire - "The Tuesday when the elections are announced? I'll probably spend it talking about the past."
* Dale Murphy - "I'll be smiling on Tuesday, no matter what."
* Robb Nen - "(I'll be) chuckling over the possibility that they'd mistakenly write Rob Nenn on my Hall of Fame plaque...because my name has two b's and one n, not two n's and one b..."
* Dave Parker - "No, I will not be doing coke to take the edge off."
*Tim Raines - "No, I will not be doing coke to take the edge off."
* Jim Rice - "I'll be hating members of the media."
* Jose Rijo - "Que es esto?"
*Lee Smith - "Man, I had the biggest johnson in baseball, you'd think that would earn me the benefit of the doubt, don't you? Wait, what was the question?"
* Todd Stottlemyre - "I'm not retired, so I don't know what you're talking about."
* Alan Trammell - "Whitaker and I will be doing, well, stuff together."
Congratulations to the New England Patriots, who became the first team in NFL history to complete a 16-game schedule undefeated. Along the way the Pats tied or set numerous NFL records: most points scored (589), most team touchdowns (75), most touchdown passes (50 by Yankee fan Tom Brady), and most touchdown receptions (23 by Straight Cash Homey). If the Patriots run the table in the playoffs, finishing the season 19-0, they will deservedly go down in history as the NFL’s greatest team. But if they stumble in the playoffs and don’t win the Super Bowl, they’ll displace the 1906 Chicago Cubs and the 2001 Seattle Mariners (currently tied) as the biggest “Yeah, but” team in sports history. Ask your great-great grandfather what he remembers about the 1906 Cubs. He’ll likely reply, “Tinkers-Evers-Chance. Great infield, great team. In fact, most regular season wins in league history.” That’s when you drop, “Yeah, but they didn’t win the World Series.” (They lost to the cross-town ChiSox, 4 games to 2.) Ask that latte-swilling, Mother Love Bone-loving, Seattle resident what she remembers about the 2001 Mariners. She’ll likely reply, “Ichiro, Rookie of the Year and MVP, first since Fred Lynn. Bret Boone’s huge head and 137 RBIs. Great team. In fact, most regular season wins in league history.” That’s when you drop, “Yeah, but they lost to the Yankees 4 games to 1 in the American League Championship Series.” In the histories of the four major sports, the Cubs and Mariners are the only two teams with the best regular-season records NOT to win titles. In basketball, the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls won 72 regular-season games and the NBA title. In hockey, the 1976-77 Montreal Canadiens compiled 132 points in the regular season and skated to the Stanley Cup. And the 1972 Miami Dolphins – before this season, the lone undefeated football team in modern NFL history – won the Super Bowl after winning all 14 regular-season games. If the Patriots lose in the playoffs, where will their 16-0 regular season rank on the all-time list of “Yeah, but” records? I’d say it goes right to #1. Haters of the Pats already arm themselves with the SpyGate qualifier, but that’s more sour grapes than genuine ammunition. But if New England doesn't win the Super Bowl in Arizona in early February, the Pats and their fans will go from chest-thumping peacocks to head-down mumblers. In recent sports history, the last team to suffer that kind of fate was the 1990-1991 UNLV team, which steamrolled everyone during the regular-season – and this after trouncing Duke in the title game the year before. But then the Running Rebs lost to the Blue Devils in the 1991 Final Four. Similar to the 2007 Pats, that UNLV team was widely despised. Given all that the Patriots have accomplished this season, it’s somewhat unfair that they now straddle the crossroads of two distinct fates – immortality or ignominy. If they win out, they’ll be the greatest team in NFL history. If they don’t, they’ll go down as the great “Yeah, but” team in sports history. Fans in Chicago and Seattle are no doubt rooting for the latter. And as a diehard Steelers fan, so am I.
So, who's gonna win the right to get swept by the Red Sox in the World Series? A lot of teams have gotten better, including the Cubs, Giants, Brewers, and the Phillies. That said, it's still National League baseball, which means pitchers hit, managers double-switch, and inter-divisional rivals (the Giants and Padres) somehow think it's OK to let your manager just go from one team to the other with nary a whimper. How does that happen? Could you ever imagine Joe Torre going from the Yankees to the DRays? Or Francona to the O's? Impossible. The National League is like France, and we all know why.
Ya want proof that the NL is lame and has been for years? The best rivalry is probably between the Cubs and the Cardinals – and the Cubs haven't been to a World Series since 1945!
Dodgers/Giants? Please, Jason Schmidt went from SF to LA and no one cared in SF, probably because fans were too busy trying to get plastic bags outlawed at the local A&P.
Mets/Braves? Maybe if either team signs John Rocker. Otherwise, these teams share as much memorable history as the Newark Bears/Bridgeport Bluefish.
I won't say the National League is Quadruple A, since that phrase was beaten to death like Barbaro last year, but the league is definitely boring. And that's even taking into account the circus surrounding Barry Bonds.
Seriously, an NL team needs to pony up and be the organization that gets the next great Japanese import. The last three – Dice-K, Matsui, and Ichiro – all landed in the AL. Not since Nomomania has an NL team landed that kind of media darling.
I know the Cards had a World Series handed to, I mean a World Series parade last year, but come on, win a freakin' All-Star game already, ya humps.
Order of finish:
NL East: Braves, Mets, Phillies, Fish, and Expos
NL Central: Brewers, Cubs, Cards, Astros, and some team I can't remember
NL West: Not the Rockies.
Awards:
MVP: Chase Utley
Cy Young: Jason Schmidt
Rookie of the Year: Probably some overrated hump from a crappy team like the Marlins, who'll amount to somewhere between Jeff Conine and Mike Lowell in three years.
Comeback Player of the Year: Mark Prior.
Batting champion: Poo-holes
Home run champion: Carlos Lee
RBI champion: Carlos Lee
Singles champion: Juan Pierre
Doubles champion: Pam Shriver and Martina Navratilova
Triples champion: Juan Pierre
Wins leader: Jason Schmidt
Ks leader: Carlos Zambrano
Saves leader: Some guy who'll be his crappy team's lone rep in the All-Star game in San Francisco
ERA champ: Kyle Lohse. He in the NL these days, right? Well, he should be.
According to a story in USA Today....today....David Stern wants NBA players to leave their guns at home. "It's a pretty widely accepted statistic that if you carry a gun, your chances of being shot by one increase dramatically," Stern said.
So...only carry them at home, where your own family's at risk?
One of the Falcons who nailed Roethlisberger last Sunday supposedy made a snide remark about messing up the QB's plastic surgery. Since Patrick Kerney went to Taft, I'm ruling him out, since Taft men don't do that kind of #### (I assume). So that leaves Chauncey Davis and Ed Hartwell. You're on notice, gentlemen. Karma may not get ya, but my Superstar Madden player will, and I'm calling counter-trays until one of you ####es gets a blown-out knee. Have a nice day.
Edgerrain James said he can't believe the Cardinals are this bad. Dude, the team has won one –1!– playoff game since 1947. If the Cubs, Clippers, and Prairie View A&M combined their karmic history (and rosters) you'd get the Arizona Cardinals. He needs to be laughed at. Not in his face, of course, but still.
Tiki Barber says his retirement talk is not a distraction, and that Michael Irvin has no right to criticize him, because Irvin isn't a "character guy." Since when does snorting coke off a hooker's #### preclude you from calling a #### a ####? To say his retirement talk has no influence on the team is like saying that Eva Longoria's decision to leave "Desperate Housewives" wouldn't affect the plot. I mean, at some point ya gotta kill her off, no? And that means bringing in some fresh meat to fill her shoes. And so, that's inevitably what will happen with Brandon Jacobs. The Giants will want to see more and more of him, and maybe throw him into bigger roles, if only to see if he can be the man when Barber retires. Either that, or Tom Coughlin will be like, "Ahh, to hell with the lease mileage, we're turning this #### in at the end of the year. Ride Tiki into the ground!" Either way, it's ridiculous to say that talk of retirement doesn't affect the team. I don't know if, like Irvin, I'd call Tiki a quitter, since everyone has the right to say when they want to walk away from the game (ya know, as long as you don't do it on the eve of training camp). But Barber has to be wiser than that, otherwise it runs the risk of looking like a lame ploy to get the fans to say, "Oh, please don't leave us, Tiki. We're nothing without you." And I don't know too many Giant fans – males, anyway – who'd play that game. If you're gonna retire, retire. But be a man about it and keep your own counsel.
Cameron Martin. Finalist in Fox Sports Next Great Sportswriter contest. I cover the Red Sox for Comcast SportsNet New England and Major League Baseball for
Bugs & Cranks
(Fort Myers, FLA) -- When I arrived yesterday at the Red Sox' spring training facility here in Florida, a beautiful media relations assistant handed me a sheet of helpful story ideas. She told me it's an open secret that baseball writers traditionally recycle the same spring training stories from year to year, so to save newbies like me from unnecessary exertion, the Major League Baseball media relations department has compiled a versatile list of tried and true story lines, useful in covering all 30 teams. As you'll see from this list, which I'm printing here at great professional risk, it's merely a matter of filling in the blanks and perhaps adding a few quotes. 
Let the player stay hungry, I say. Last season, that's what the Red Sox did with Curt Schilling and what the Yankees did with Mariano Rivera, and it certainly motivated those two guys, albeit after some 
