(Fort Myers, FLA) -- When I arrived yesterday at the Red Sox' spring training facility here in Florida, a beautiful media relations assistant handed me a sheet of helpful story ideas. She told me it's an open secret that baseball writers traditionally recycle the same spring training stories from year to year, so to save newbies like me from unnecessary exertion, the Major League Baseball media relations department has compiled a versatile list of tried and true story lines, useful in covering all 30 teams. As you'll see from this list, which I'm printing here at great professional risk, it's merely a matter of filling in the blanks and perhaps adding a few quotes.

Like you, I thought baseball writers actually worked during spring training. Turns out they just do Mad Libs.

* Due to visa problems in his home country of _______, outfielder _____ _____ will not be reporting to camp on time, said team spokesman _____ _____. "It's an outstanding traffic issue. An unpaid ticket. It's nothing really, simply paperwork. We expect him to be in camp soon and ready to go."

* Still battling the lingering effects of off-season surgery on his left ______, All-Star _____ baseman _____ _____ plans to go easy this spring, hoping not to reaggravate an injury that kept him shelved for the second half of last season. "It's a long season, ya know. If I'm going to be a help to my team in October, when we all hope to be playing, there's no sense pushing myself now."

* Mentioned in the Mitchell Report as one of the 89 players, current or former, who used performance-enhancing drugs, a contrite ____ ____ admitted to "mistakes in the past," but refused to go into detail about what exactly he did wrong and whether he considered himself a cheater.

* Several of his teammates were named in the Mitchell Report, but _______ shortstop _____ _____ refused to comment on what effect, if any, their public exposure will have on the team's 2008 campaign.

* Looking pasty and somewhat overweight, long-time hunter _____ _____ said he spent the off-season killing bears with a longbow on his ranch in north ______.

* Perennial MVP candidate _____ _____ says the _____ have a great chance to win the World Series this year. "If you don't come into camp thinking you have a chance, why come to camp at all?" he said. When asked if his assessment was "smack talk," ______ said, "Confidence isn't arrogance. If you can back it up, it ain't boasting."

* With his arbitration hearing scheduled for next ______, reigning National League _____ king _____ _____ said he expects to receive a fair salary. "Things are cool between me and _____ management," he said. "It's a business. They have to protect their interests, and I have to protect mine."

* To the surprise of everyone in the _____ camp, outfielder _____ _____ reported early.

* Unsigned beyond this season, veteran reliever _____ _____ says he intends to test the free-agent market, and has no intention of giving a home-town discount to the ______, for whom he's pitched his entire career.

* Incumbent ______ fielder _____ _____ says he's aware of the trade rumors surrounding him, and intends to compete vigorously with rookie phenom ______ _____ for the team's starting position and its leadoff spot in the order.

* Veteran designated hitter ____ _____ says he'd like to finish his career in ______, which signed him to an incentive-laden contract when no one else would. "I love it here. My wife and kids love the community too. It's our home now," he said.

* Manager _____ _____ says the team's April schedule looks rather _____, with three early series against division opponents. "Hey, we don't make the schedules, we just play the games they tell us to play," he said.

* Journeyman pitcher _____ _____, known for his bullpen antics and clubhouse spirit, says the groupies in ______ give the best ______.

Super Bowl Media Day isn't till next Tuesday, but I've gotten a headstart on the top stories that will be printed in the lead-up to the big game. Rather than wait to read those long, drawn-out tales, e.g., about Eli Manning's plan to wear Uggs to confuse the Patriots, I've decided to truncate these stories into small, bulleted talking points, distilling the essence while dumping the lard.

Stories we'll hear about the Patriots
* Robert Kraft's #### son gets busted trying to buy Super Bowl tickets on StubHub.
* If they win a fourth Super Bowl by 3 points, Tom Brady plans to find an English girlfriend who speaks Portuguese.
* Bill Belichick reiterates his position that he'd never call Richard Seymour "dirty." However, he would call him "Seymour, ####," if only to motivate.
* Once he retires, Tedy Bruschi plans to cover "Head Like a Hole" by Nine Inch Nails.
* Rodney Harrison reveals his guilt about singlehandedly causing the rise of Brenda Warner.
* Former Pats coach Rod Rust discusses his decision to root for the Packers in this year's Super Bowl.
* Randy Moss explains the etymological history of "straight cash, homey."


Stories we'll hear about the Giants
* Eli Manning answers at length the question, "How long have you been a white quarterback?"
* Plaxico Burress admits his first name is completely made up.
* Jared Lorenzen says he'd rather be known as the "Shifty Nifty Pushing 350."
* Tom Coughlin's great-great-grandfather is dead, but Tom says he'd be proud of what Tom's accomplished with the Gaints this year.
* Lawrence Tynes sent Brett Favre a cheesecake after the NFC Championship Game.
* Tiki Barber wanted to become the first active professional athlete to admit he's ####, but his wife made him retire.
* Longtime Giants fan Chuck Knoblauch plans to watch the game with Whitey Bulger.

I'm not one to gripe about players' salaries, since the amount they receive is commensurate with the money taken in by the league. That said, I was reading USA Today's article about franchise and transition players, and it lists the top 10 salaries for each position. (A franchise player must at least be paid the average of the top 5 at his position, while a transition player must be paid the average of top 10). Anyway, some of the highest-paid players were, shall we say, interesting. Did you know, for instance, that Amani Toomer is the 9th highest-paid receiver in NFL at $6.375 million? Or that Laveranues Coles is 5th? These guys are nice players and all, but they're frankly the kind of players you begrudgingly pick on fantasy draft day. I mean, Amani Toomer?

I realize they play in New York, so that'll inflate their values, but between them Coles and Toomer have been to one Pro Bowl, won NO Super Bowls, and never led the league in ANY receiving categories. Are they pretty good players? Sure. Are they overpaid compared to guys like Reggie Wayne, Hines Ward, and Javon Walker? Absolutely. Let's look at the top 10 at each position, and let's see who's overpaid.

QB:

Brady $13.8 M per year

Vick

Palmer

Favre

Manning

McNabb

Tr. Green

Bulger

David Carr

Jake Plummer $7.157 M

Comments: Why are the Texans horrible? Maybe because they overpay a QB and don't bother to protect him with good linemen? How can you justify a $7.2 million per year contract for David Carr? Does that money include insurance benefits or something for all the sacks he takes?

Mike Shanahan has a reputation for being a genius, but what kind of knucklehead gives Jake Plummer $7.157 million a year? He had no track record of success, and now he's holding a clipboard for a Vandy grad (boo-yah!).

Bulger and Green are great fantasy quarterbacks, but they've never done anything remarkable in the playoffs.

And Michael Vick...whatever.

RB

Edge

Tiki

LDT

La. Jordan

Shaun A

Deuce

Warrick

Westbrook

Fraud Taylor

Rudi J

Comments: How in the Wide World of Sports is Lamont Jordan the 4th-highest paid RB in the NFL? And he got that contract after a "breakout" season as the Jets backup RB. Granted, he's a decent player (and their O-line sucks), but how can you invest that much money in an unproven back? Overpaying for a RB, but underpaying for an offensive line = Just suck, baby

Receivers:

Randy Moss

Holt

Andre J

Rod Smith

L Coles

Chad J

TO

Marvin

Amani

Larry Fitz

Comments: Randy Moss is playing himself right out of the Hall of Fame. Rod Smith has always been a great possession receiver, but #4 highest paid? Seems really high, since he was never considered an elite receiver. Very good, yes. Elite? No.

OK, for the rest of the positions, I'm just gonna comment, without listing the top 10

Tight end: Kyle Brady and Jim Kleinsasser both make more than Todd Heap.

O-line: How is Marvel Smith of PItt the 9th highest-paid lineman? I'm a Steelers fan and that's preposterously high.

Defensive ends: Bryant Young, the 4th-highest paid, still makes $7.8 M per year? Didn't he go Tim Krumrie like 8 years ago? No way the Niners are getting good return on him at this point.

Defensive tackles: Dewayne Robertson of the Jets is the highest paid at $9.4 M. I watch the Jets a lot, but apparently I'm not watching closely enough, b/c Dewayne is apparently the shiz-nit, which is news to me.

Linebackers: No big surprises here. Linebacker might be the most perfectly valued position in football, because this is the Top 10: Ray Ray, Zach, Bulluck, D. Brooks, Takeo, Morgan, Al Wilson, Urlacher, Colvin, Donnie Edwards. A lot of these guys are past their primes (Brooks and Edwards, in particular) but they were definitely deserving of their salaries at some point.

Cornerbacks: Green Bay's Charles Woodson hasn't made a good play since he hit Tom Brady in the head during the Tuck Rule play – and that was five years ago. How is he STIILL the #3 corner at $7.25 M? Quentin Jammer is seriously overrated too, and he's 5th at $7.07 M.

Safeties: Brian Dawkins is #1...and he damn well deserves to be. But Tony Parrish is 5th? And Greg Wesley 7th? Have the Chiefs ever NOT had a bad defense in the time Wesley has been posterizing their secondary? Watch NFL Countdown and you'll see Greg Wesley on the wrong end of more big plays than anyone. Well, except for Roy Williams of Dallas (who is the #2 highest-paid safety at $4.6 M).

Kickers and Punters:

Of the top 10, only Jason Elam has won a Super Bowl. Adam Vinatieri? Not even on the list, which is a freaking travesty. John Hall, however, is #4, and a prime example of Dan Snyder's inability to run a football team.

According to a story in USA Today....today....David Stern wants NBA players to leave their guns at home. "It's a pretty widely accepted statistic that if you carry a gun, your chances of being shot by one increase dramatically," Stern said.

So...only carry them at home, where your own family's at risk?

One of the Falcons who nailed Roethlisberger last Sunday supposedy made a snide remark about messing up the QB's plastic surgery. Since Patrick Kerney went to Taft, I'm ruling him out, since Taft men don't do that kind of #### (I assume). So that leaves Chauncey Davis and Ed Hartwell. You're on notice, gentlemen. Karma may not get ya, but my Superstar Madden player will, and I'm calling counter-trays until one of you ####es gets a blown-out knee. Have a nice day.

Edgerrain James said he can't believe the Cardinals are this bad. Dude, the team has won one –1!– playoff game since 1947. If the Cubs, Clippers, and Prairie View A&M combined their karmic history (and rosters) you'd get the Arizona Cardinals. He needs to be laughed at. Not in his face, of course, but still.

Tiki Barber says his retirement talk is not a distraction, and that Michael Irvin has no right to criticize him, because Irvin isn't a "character guy." Since when does snorting coke off a hooker's #### preclude you from calling a #### a ####? To say his retirement talk has no influence on the team is like saying that Eva Longoria's decision to leave "Desperate Housewives" wouldn't affect the plot. I mean, at some point ya gotta kill her off, no? And that means bringing in some fresh meat to fill her shoes. And so, that's inevitably what will happen with Brandon Jacobs. The Giants will want to see more and more of him, and maybe throw him into bigger roles, if only to see if he can be the man when Barber retires. Either that, or Tom Coughlin will be like, "Ahh, to hell with the lease mileage, we're turning this #### in at the end of the year. Ride Tiki into the ground!" Either way, it's ridiculous to say that talk of retirement doesn't affect the team. I don't know if, like Irvin, I'd call Tiki a quitter, since everyone has the right to say when they want to walk away from the game (ya know, as long as you don't do it on the eve of training camp). But Barber has to be wiser than that, otherwise it runs the risk of looking like a lame ploy to get the fans to say, "Oh, please don't leave us, Tiki. We're nothing without you." And I don't know too many Giant fans – males, anyway – who'd play that game. If you're gonna retire, retire. But be a man about it and keep your own counsel.