A few weeks back I read an interesting story on Hardball Times that analyzed Bartolo Colon’s bounceback capability. In it, author Josh Kalk discussed the possibility that Colon’s 2007 stats — 6.34 ERA, a 1.62 WHIP, and a .320 batting average against — were the result of an inordinately high BABIP (.364), which is batting average on balls in play. In short, Colon was more unlucky in 2007 that he’d been in the past, when he was a Cy Young winner and weighed less than a Mini Cooper. Given this stat (and many others I didn’t comprehend), Kalk said Colon would be a great risk-reward option for teams like the Rangers and Royals in 2008, because Colon (according to Kalk, anyway) projected to a 4.40 ERA and 120 innings pitched this season. Considering what Julian Tavarez provided in relief of Curt Schilling and Tim Wakefield last year — 23 starts, 6 wins, 11 losses, 5.22 ERA — doesn’t Colon sound like a nice option now that Schilling has gone down again?

Given the dearth of quality pitching in MLB, I can’t believe no team offered him a major-league deal. Then again, if I were Bartolo Colon, who’s never won a World Series and probably doesn’t need the money, I’d prefer signing a minor-league deal with the Sox — with the opportunity to pitch your way onto a playoff-caliber team — than ink a major-league deal with Kansas City or Texas, where quality pitchers go to die.

Great signing, Red Sox.

P.S. Is there a weight clause?

On the face of it, Manny Ramirez hiring Scott Boras is like President Bush hiring a campaign manager. Really, what's the use? Has all of Major League Baseball (both players and team ownership) decided to get together and drive Boras insane? A-Rod won't talk to him, Sheffield calls him a bad person, and now Manny wants his representation. But for what exactly? And why now?

The Red Sox hold team options on Manny -- $20 million per year in 2009 and 2010 -- so he can't opt out like A-Rod did last year. Meanwhile, Theo Epstein has said the Sox will wait until after the season before making a decision about Manny's 2009 option. He didn't, however, say the team would be unwilling to consider a new deal altogether. And really, when it comes down to it, why else would Ramirez need a negotiator like Boras?

Consider this: Ramirez has no chance of making $20 million a year anywhere else, so perhaps the two sides will agree to a three-year deal in the neighborhood of $15 million per season -- more total money than Ramirez would get if the Sox exercised the 2009 and 2010 options, more security for the player, but less per season on the Sox. As a fan, perhaps that's wishful thinking. But frankly, I can't think of any other reason why Ramirez would need to switch agents and bring in a negotiator like Boras. Unless, of course, he simply wants to drive the guy crazy with his eccentric demands. As a baseball fan, I'd be happy with that result too.

* The Red Sox are visiting the White House on Wednesday. Side bet: Larry Lucchino will be standing closer to President Bush than Theo Epstein when the press pool photo is released.

* I read that the Sox were taking Terry Francona out to dinner this week to discuss a contact extension. And by the Sox, I mean the entire management group, of course. According to the story, Francona is going to have dinner with Epstein, John Henry, Lucchino AND Tom Werner. The Sox initially wanted a table for 7, but Sen. George Mitchell and Bill James aren't able to make it. Listen, I know the Sox have won two titles in the last four years, and as a fan I shouldn't complain. But still I have to ask: "What the hell does Tom Werner do?"

* Veteran players have various reasons to return for "one more season." They're driven by a desire to win that elusive World Series, or perhaps reach a milestone, or perhaps make money after their ex takes half. These are the usual reasons. Mike Timlin has a new one: A desire to not look like a steroid cheat.

Timlin revealed to ESPN Radio’s Mike Salk that one of the reasons he decided to come back for another season was to make sure there were no questions regarding his injuries from last year, according to a story reported in the Boston Herald. His fear, he said, was that after a fairly injury-free career, the steroid whispers that have encompassed baseball might come his way.

“I’ve had a healthy career for the most part. I’ve been generally dependable and strong for most of my career,” Timlin said. “Now, as things are cleaning themselves up in baseball, I break down, and I don’t want to be associated with having injuries and breaking down at the same time things are disappearing out of baseball. I have never done that stuff, but I don’t want (it) to be speculated that I have.”

* The following players are members of my 2008 Tail-Off Team, which I'll be outlining in additional detail at bugsandcranks.com. (Please, contain your enthusiasm.) These are the guys who won't be matching their 2007 outputs, either because they got paid and won't be nearly as motivated (Jorge Posada and Mike Lowell), their catcher thinks they're a liar (Andy Pettitte), or they simply don't pass the sniff test. You don't want any of these guys on your fantasy team, mostly because you'll have to overpay for their services. Ya know, provided they actually play this year.

Posada
Lowell
Roger Clemens
Barry Bonds
Magglio Ordonez
Carlos Pena
Edgar Renteria
Jeff Francoeur
Reggie Willits
Brandon Phillips
Andy Pettitte
Joe Blanton
Ben Sheets
Rich Harden
Barry Zito
Dontrelle Willis
Gil Meche

* Apropos of nothing: I appreciate spring training so much more when there's snow on the ground in New England.

* Apropos of something: The whole A-Rod opt out/Cashman won't negotiate with him/Yankees lost face and look like wienies - story hasn't gotten much ink lately. Probably because the Bronx Bombers spent most of the winter not landing Johan Santana.

(Fort Myers, FLA) -- When I arrived yesterday at the Red Sox' spring training facility here in Florida, a beautiful media relations assistant handed me a sheet of helpful story ideas. She told me it's an open secret that baseball writers traditionally recycle the same spring training stories from year to year, so to save newbies like me from unnecessary exertion, the Major League Baseball media relations department has compiled a versatile list of tried and true story lines, useful in covering all 30 teams. As you'll see from this list, which I'm printing here at great professional risk, it's merely a matter of filling in the blanks and perhaps adding a few quotes.

Like you, I thought baseball writers actually worked during spring training. Turns out they just do Mad Libs.

* Due to visa problems in his home country of _______, outfielder _____ _____ will not be reporting to camp on time, said team spokesman _____ _____. "It's an outstanding traffic issue. An unpaid ticket. It's nothing really, simply paperwork. We expect him to be in camp soon and ready to go."

* Still battling the lingering effects of off-season surgery on his left ______, All-Star _____ baseman _____ _____ plans to go easy this spring, hoping not to reaggravate an injury that kept him shelved for the second half of last season. "It's a long season, ya know. If I'm going to be a help to my team in October, when we all hope to be playing, there's no sense pushing myself now."

* Mentioned in the Mitchell Report as one of the 89 players, current or former, who used performance-enhancing drugs, a contrite ____ ____ admitted to "mistakes in the past," but refused to go into detail about what exactly he did wrong and whether he considered himself a cheater.

* Several of his teammates were named in the Mitchell Report, but _______ shortstop _____ _____ refused to comment on what effect, if any, their public exposure will have on the team's 2008 campaign.

* Looking pasty and somewhat overweight, long-time hunter _____ _____ said he spent the off-season killing bears with a longbow on his ranch in north ______.

* Perennial MVP candidate _____ _____ says the _____ have a great chance to win the World Series this year. "If you don't come into camp thinking you have a chance, why come to camp at all?" he said. When asked if his assessment was "smack talk," ______ said, "Confidence isn't arrogance. If you can back it up, it ain't boasting."

* With his arbitration hearing scheduled for next ______, reigning National League _____ king _____ _____ said he expects to receive a fair salary. "Things are cool between me and _____ management," he said. "It's a business. They have to protect their interests, and I have to protect mine."

* To the surprise of everyone in the _____ camp, outfielder _____ _____ reported early.

* Unsigned beyond this season, veteran reliever _____ _____ says he intends to test the free-agent market, and has no intention of giving a home-town discount to the ______, for whom he's pitched his entire career.

* Incumbent ______ fielder _____ _____ says he's aware of the trade rumors surrounding him, and intends to compete vigorously with rookie phenom ______ _____ for the team's starting position and its leadoff spot in the order.

* Veteran designated hitter ____ _____ says he'd like to finish his career in ______, which signed him to an incentive-laden contract when no one else would. "I love it here. My wife and kids love the community too. It's our home now," he said.

* Manager _____ _____ says the team's April schedule looks rather _____, with three early series against division opponents. "Hey, we don't make the schedules, we just play the games they tell us to play," he said.

* Journeyman pitcher _____ _____, known for his bullpen antics and clubhouse spirit, says the groupies in ______ give the best ______.

Now that the Mitchell report has blemished the on-field accomplishments of so many players from the Steroids Era, "clean" players like Mike Mussina and Pedro Martinez are congratulating themselves for doing so well during that period of inflated power numbers.

Mussina, a 250-game winner during a major league career that began in 1991, said this yesterday of people (like teammate Andy Pettitte) who've admitted using performance-enhancing drugs: "That's just the decision they made. I feel better about myself because I competed against them and I succeeded."

Apparently Mussina had been down on himself lately, which makes sense given his 2007 season (11-10 record, 5.15 ERA).

Martinez, meanwhile, fresh off the recent news that he enjoys watching chickens peck each other to death, said his accomplishments -- 3 Cy Youngs and the near-beheading of Don Zimmer -- look even better now, given the revelations about the Steroids Era.

"I dominated that era and I did it clean," he said. "I can stand by my numbers and I can be proud of them."

Left unsaid by holier-than-thou players like Mussina and Martinez is how their silence (and that of many other players, coaches and baseball officials) helped contribute to the Steroids Era in the first place. It's quaint how they think that going about their business and not worrying about the actions of others somehow makes them inculpabe. Mussina feels better about himself? Of course he does, because now he can look down his nose at Andy Pettitte (a true big game pitcher, which Mussina never was) and think, "Well, I may have never won 20 games, a Cy Young or a World Series, but at least I didn't take HGH from my ailing father."

Congratulations, Mussina, you're a paragon of virtue. You may not have taken performance-enhancing drugs, but you didn't prevent others players from taking them either. Moreover, you didn't report their use to the league. But I'm sure a Stanford grad like you, who thinks Will Shortz is a genius, had no idea that other players in your clubhouse were dabbling, including Roger Clemens, Pettitte, Jason Giambi and Mike Stanton. Even if had you possessed those basic powers of common sense and observation, clubhouse culture would have precluded you from ratting on your them, wouldn't it? So you're free and clear. Free and clear to continue playing with cheaters and benefitting from their skills -- at the plate and in the field. And free and clear to ride their coattails towards that elusive World Series title, while making millions of dollars as a New York Yankee. And as one of them (Pettitte) gets dragged through the village square and pelted with apples, you can also stand above the fray and feel "better about yourself."

You're a real man among boys, Mussina.

I ought to warn you though: You and Pedro should not to pat yourselves on the back so hard. You're risking injury, which is particularly foolish in your walk years. And god knows the two of you have many more years to feel good about yourselves -- doing crosswords and watching cockfights, that is.

Cleveland Indians fans ought to be rejoicing about C.C. Sabathia's decision to postpone contract negotiations until after the season. The reigning American Cy Young Award winner will be a free agent after 2008, and the Indians had reportedly offered him a contract extension in the neighborhood of four years/$68 million. But rather than sign what he believes is a below-market contract (especially in light of Johan Santana's $123.1 million deal with the New York Mets), Sabathia will pitch his walk year without the insurance of a long-term deal. If you're an Indians fan, you have to love this, because Sabathia will be motivated and focused, leading a pitching staff that took the World Series-winning Red Sox to 7 games in the American League Championship Series, as opposed to the Sabathia they could have had, i.e., a paid, content Shaun Alexander clone, who leads his team to the precipice of greatness, wins an MVP award, gets paid, lands on the cover of Madden football, can't stay healthy, and is soon splitting carries with Maurice Morris.

Let the player stay hungry, I say. Last season, that's what the Red Sox did with Curt Schilling and what the Yankees did with Mariano Rivera, and it certainly motivated those two guys, albeit after some ####ing, posturing and threats to walk after the season. Listen, the player can pout all he wants, but it does him no good. If he's in his walk year, he needs to perform in order to get paid well in his next contract.

What good is it to lock up Sabathia with a $100 million deal right now? Sure, it'd be great for him. But I'm telling you, that guy'd weigh 350 by the All-Star break, and frankly, I wouldn't blame him. If you handed me a guaranteed contract worth that kind of scratch, where's my head going to be? On staying fit, healthy and motivated? Or on buying a small private island in the Caribbean? It's quaint to say that players are professionals and they'll go out and do their jobs, regardless of whether they're making the league minimum or A-Rod money. But the fact is, they're humans first. Ask any Bronze Age caveman: "If you knew you could stay back at the fire, eat, drink and fornicate all day, wouldn't that affect your attitude towards hunting?" Of course it would, because in the back of his half-formed cranium, he's thinking, "Man, I don't need this ####"
 
All you need to know about $100 million contracts are the names of the pitchers who've signed them: Kevin Brown, Mike Hampton, Barry Zito and, now, Johan Santana. After signing their deals, Brown, Hampton and Zito won as many World Series as Joba Chamberlain. Sure, Zito only signed his contract last year, but the Giants will be contending for titles when Brian McNamee lands his next job in baseball.

On the face of it, the Mets fleeced the Twins by sending them the poo-poo platter for Santana, who's won two Cy Youngs in the last four years. But the Twins' biggest mistake was not keeping Santana and making him pitch through his walk year. I realize the Twins can't afford to pay him the same kind of money that Cleveland can possibly pay Sabathia, but the situation is somewhat comparable. The Indians, who haven't won a World Series since 1948, probably have no intention of signing Sabathia to a 6-year contract in the neighborhood of $120 million, even after this season. Consequently, they've decided to make their run now in 2008, which is exactly what the Twins should have done. With Santana and Francisco Liriano, I believe the Twins had an outstanding chance to win the World Series this season. Instead, they trade him to the Mets for a bunch of prospects, while the Tigers improved greatly and the Indians remain hungry and on the brink.

 And what do the Mets get in Santana? They get a caveman with a full belly, who's supposed to be motivated by the opportunity to make his legacy in New York, winning championships.

Frankly, I'd rather have the hungry guy, motivated to get paid, rather than the paid guy, motivated to justify the money he's already received.

ESPN is counting down the IBM Top 25 Greatest Players in College Basketball history, and to date they've named the following: (25) George Mikan of DePaul, (24) David Robinson of Navy, (23) Calvin Murphy of Niagara, (22) Austin Carr of Notre Dame, (21) Tim Duncan of Wake Forest, (20) Bob Kurland of Texas A&M, and (19) Elgin Baylor of Seattle. I consider myself a pretty big college basketball fan, so I'd like to take a shot at naming the remaining 18. Later, I'll take a shot at putting them in order.

The next 18 players I expect to be named among the greatest 25 in college basketball history:

* Lew Alcindor of UCLA
* Bill Walton of UCLA
* David Thompson of N.C. State
* Pat Ewing of Georgetown
* Magic Johnson of Michigan State
* Christian Laettner of Duke
* Oscar Robertson of Cincinnati
* Michael Jordan of North Carolina
* Pete Maravich of LSU
* Larry Bird of Indiana State
* Bobby Hurley of Duke
* Bill Russell of San Francisco
* Bill Bradley of Princeton
* Akeem Olajuwon of Houston
* Elvin Hayes of Houston
* Danny Manning of Kansas
* Ralph Sampson of UVA
* Wilt Chamberlain of Kansas

Other players I considered: Steve Alford of Indiana, Wayman Tisdale of Oklahoma, Isiah Thomas of Indiana, Darrell Griffith of Louisville, Bob Petit of LSU, Rick Barry of Miami, Grant Hill of Duke, Larry Johnson of UNLV, Phil Ford of UNC, Jerry West of West Virginia, Chris Mullen of St. Johns, Wilt Chamberlain of Kansas, John Wooden of Purdue.

 

 

NFL: If Jim Zorn can teach Jason Campbell to throw left-handed, then his hiring makes sense.

NHL: Sadly, if you ask me what's been going on in hockey lately, I'll say players are purse-snatching, Sidney Crosby's still injured and some guy almost got decapitated by another player's skate. That's about it.

NBA: Word is the Knicks are shopping Zach Randolph and Eddie Curry. They should send them to the Lakers for an autographed copy of "Fletch Lives," and send Gregg Popovich a wheel of Jarlsberg cheese, to enjoy with his whine.

NBA 2: Watched "Little Children" with Kate Winslet yesterday. Steve Nash should have won an Oscar for his role as the child molester.

Golf: "A tradition unlike any other...January commercials for April's Masters."

Books: Read my brief review of Deadspin editor Will Leitch's new book: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/bn-review/spotlight
.asp?z=y&cds2Pid=17617&linkid=1111344

Sportswriting: I think it's official: Bill Simmons has completely crossed over. When he first arrived at ESPN early this decade, he provided a unique perspective -- the fan's perspective. It was something of a public trust. We could relate to him (or, I could anyway) because he rooted for teams that sucked. Now his teams are all successful and (this is the capper) he actually planned to spend the Super Bowl after-party hanging out with Brady and Gisele, whom he knows through mutual friends. Um, what? Who can relate to this? Sorry, Bill, but you've lost the public trust. ESPN needs to start over here. They need to replace Simmons with a writer whose teams mostly suck and who'll never get invited to hang out with celebrities. In short, they need to replace him with me. And then, as soon as Vanderbilt wins a bowl game (which should happen in the next 10-25 years), they should replace me with someone else. Say, a sportswriter from Cleveland or Seattle?

NASCAR: This is only the 50th running of the Daytona 500? Perhaps by the 75th I'll understand the attraction.

MLB: My question is not for Roger Clemens or Brian McNamee, but for Clemens's wife, Debbie. If it's true that McNamee injected her with HGH, it stands to reason that she knows that McNamee injected her husband as well, and that her husband will be lying to Congress. If he does that, he might be facing jail time, which will not only ruin the family's reputation, but make holiday plans a bit dicey for the foreseeable future. Given that, I'd love to know," What advice, Debbie, do you have for your husband in advance of tomorrow's hearing?" Really, if she knows he's lying, and she knows the consequences, then what's that say about her?

Apropos of nothing (?): God makes 'em and he matches 'em.

College hoops: I wrote about this a few weeks ago in my blog, and zero commenters were good enough to leave their thoughts, but does anyone really expect Memphis, a team that shoots under 60 percent from the foul line collectively, to go undefeated this season? That's like expecting a football team to go undefeated when it can't make field goals from more than 45 yards. Eventually, your weaknesses are going to be exposed.

Last night's Rivalry Week contest between Georgetown and Villanova was the ugliest college basketball game of the year. This baby had it all: terrible shooting, terrible playcalling, illiterate fans, a dearth of exciting plays, and, to cap it off, a questionable call by a referee to end the game. How bad was this 55-53 saga? Well, I turned away with 12 minutes left in the first half, watched a TiVoed episode of "Rock of Love II," then returned to the game for the second half. And what did I miss? Not much. While Bret Michaels was scoring with every chick on his show, Villanova was scoring like a band geek with cold sores.

Here, in short, were the "highlights":
 * Villanova shot 13 percent from the field in the second half and 24.6 percent for the game. In 69 combined minutes, Casiem Drummond, Antonio Pena, Reggie Redding and Shane Clark were 0-10 from the field. To Drummond's credit, however, he did put together five personal fouls.

* If you subtract Scottie Reynolds's 6-13 shooting, the Wildcats were 8-44 from the field, or 18 percent. 

 * Nova was also 0-13 from 3-point range, or 0 percent.

 * In the first 12 minutes of the second half, Villanova was 1-21 from the field. 

 * Despite the inability of their opponents to pee while standing up, Georgetown couldn't put them away, mainly because they decided that turning the ball over and not shooting was their best strategy. At one point, Villanova had attempted 31 second-half shots (and made just 4) while Georgetown had only attempted 14 second-half shots.

* In the first half, it looked like a brawl was inevitable. As any fan of the early 90s Knicks will tell you, that's what happens when you can't shoot straight and you know it: You want to kill people.

* At one point Bill Raftery likened a move by Scottie Reynolds, who head-faked Jonathan Wallace into the air and then leaned in to draw the foul, to something Walt Frazier would do. Thankfully, Jay Bilas and Sean McDonough called out Raftery for referencing a guy whom no one under 50 remembers seeing play. 

 * If anyone dunked in this game, I missed it. I didn't, however, miss the riveting discussion among the three commentators as they explained the difference between 1) purposely kicking the ball on defense and 2) having it inadvertently thrown into your leg by an offensive player. Brought to you by "The Apostles of the Obvious," now playing in select theaters.

* One of the students in the Georgetown section flashed a sign that read, "Bilas and Rafferty 2008." As far as I know, singer Gerry Rafferty of "Baker Street" fame is not running for president this year. That student, however, will probably be a candidate in 2024.

 * Roy Hibbert only shot the ball 6 times, even though Nova had no one who could stop him. Bilas, who's a great commentator and analyst, couldn't believe Georgetown didn't keep feeding him the ball, since he's adept at passing out of the post, which gives teammates great shot opportunities along the perimeter. Bilas said covering Hibbert is like covering your dad in the driveway when you're 8 years old. Naturally, Sean McDonough and Gerry Rafferty had no idea what he was trying to say, with McDonough pointing out that his father, the late great sportswriter Will McDonough, was not 7-3.

* The game-ended (mercifully) when a referee called Nova's Corey Stokes for fouling Gtown's Jonathan Wallace, a tic-tac call that allowed Wallace to go to the line with 0.1 seconds left and the game tied. In truth, Villanova deserved that kind of ending. They had the ball with 30 seconds remaining, in a tie game on the road, and their best player (Scottie Reynolds) had the ball on the baseline, but instead of shooting he attempted to pass out of a double team and the ball was intercepted. Scottie, baby, your teammates shoot field goals like Joey Dorsey shoots free throws. You don't try to pass in that situation, you jack it up and take your chances. The ref obviously agreed. His call on Stokes (and Wallace's ability to make free throws) saved us all from the horror of overtime in the ugliest college basketball game of the year.

Thoughts while watching the Pro Bowl

* Lifehouse is playing the halftime show? I take it they weren't invited to perform at tonight's Grammy Awards.

* Vince Wolfork is rushing the quarterback with all the urgency of a pothead after five bong hits.

* If my wife loves me, she'll buy me something nice for Valentine's Day. Say, Monster Seats to a Red Sox/Yankees game this season?

* Jets fans are no doubt watching this game with interest, hoping as many players get hurt as possible.

* For all the hitting in this game, Pro Bowl jerseys should be light pink and dark pink.

* Fat men don't look presentable in many outfits, but Hawaiian shirts are probably the least presentable.

* We get Joe Buck and Troy Aikman in the Super Bowl and Kenny Albert and Moose Johnston in the Pro Bowl? Ought to be reversed. After all, Aikman had no Cowboys to drool over in the Super Bowl, but this would be heaven.

* The Raiders' lone rep is punter Shane Lechler, which makes sense.

* Packers' cornerback Al Harris gets a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty in the third quarter for playing press coverage. Apparently no one informed Al that he's supposed to play at half speed and pray he doesn't blow out a knee in this meaningless exhibition. This isn't football. In fact, I wonder if a bull was ritually castrated before the game.

* If you're going to lie and say you got a football scholarship to play in college, wouldn't you at least pick a school that's good? Cal? If I told my parents I'd gotten into an Ivy League school, I wouldn't be telling them Brown, ya know.

* The NFC now gets penalized for "illegally blitzing the quarterback," the ref says. OK, if you have to emasculate America's most popular sport, can you at least save us the indignity of explaining its wimpification? Just throw the flag and privately tell the offending player what he did wrong, because announcing it to the stadium is cringe-inducing.

* The NFC gets flagged because Al Harris attempted to make a tackle using both hands.

* No, not really.

* The most exciting play of the game so far? When Devin Hester lateraled a kickoff to the NFC's second-fastest runner...Cowboys' TE Jason Witten.

* How can the Vikings have 7 starters in the Pro Bowl and not make the playoffs? Oh, right, their QB is Tavares Jackson and their best wide receiver is Ahmad Rashad.

* Ya know when your division sucks? When Jeff Garcia is the only player to make the Pro Bowl from the NFC South, and he made it because Brett Favre decided to stay home and play touch football.

* I'd love to see the Nielsen ratings for this game in southeastern American cities. 

* Players on the winning side get $40,000, losers get $20,000. I hope the game ends in a tie.

* The Super Bowl-winning Giants have one player in this game, Osi Umenyiora. The Cowboys have every starter except Nate Newton, who was voted to start but decided to stay home and sell pot.

* Last time Alan Faneca will be wearing a Steelers helmet?

* If Marion Barber were coming at me in this game, I'd give him the olay.

* Hey, whaddya know, it's Jeremy Shockey, getting soused in the skybox again. At least he's consistent. He's always either talking or drinking. Or getting stupid-looking tattoos.

* I'm going to miss the Hollywood writers' strike, because it's been a built-in excuse to watch more sports.

* Nobody suffered a career-ending injury in this year's Pro Bowl, so it looks like we'll have endure this useless charade for at least one more year.

* If I were a Vikings fan, I'd have to be over the moon because Adrian Peterson, who missed time this year with a leg injury, earned the MVP award in a useless exhibition.

* Pitchers and catchers in four days...

 

According to testimony from embattled trainer Brian McNamee, Roger Clemens's dog, KK, was injected with HGH before several Christmas card shoots. These holiday cards ultimately featured KK, Roger Clemens, his wife, Debbie, and their four children, Koby, Kory, Kacy and Kody. 

This latest revelation comes on the heals of another bombshell: that McNamee injected Debbie with HGH before a Sports Illustrated photo shoot in 2003.

Clemens's lawyer, Rusty Hardin, scoffed at the latest accusation from McNamee, who also claims he injected Clemens with steroids and HGH on numerous occasions in the last decade.

"What's next, that he injected the four kids? Or the maid? How about the gold fish? This guy has no shame. If KK had taken HGH, wouldn't he have a fifth paw coming out of his forehead?"

The Curt Schilling situation -- a 41-year-old pitcher who spent 7 weeks on the disabled list last season -- is a prime example of why you don't give multi-year contracts to players over 40. The Sox might be able to siphon something out of 38Pitches later in the season, or perhaps they're simply going to eat $8 million. But no matter, his situation doesn't influence the Red Sox as much as many people seem to think. A rotation that went Josh Beckett, Dice-K, Schilling, Tim Wakefield, Jon Lester/Clay Buchholz, now goes Beckett, Dice-K, Wakefield, Lester, Buchholz. Considering they had no idea what to expect from Schilling anyway (and hence, the one-year deal) is this second rotation precipitously worse? If this were October, absolutely, because Schilling's post-season experience is irreplaceable. But a week before Valentine's Day? And nearly six months before the trading deadline? Yawn. Wake me up when the Yankees find a true #1 starter, much less an aging #3.

The revelation of his injury -- in particular, its timing -- has many Sox fans screaming about the loss of Johan Santana, who got traded to the Mets last week for a Pinto, a cheese wheel and a half pint of Old Grand Dad. But let's be clear: Curt Schilling's absence this season would not have brought Johan Santana to Boston. If ya believe the Red Sox were dissuaded from making the trade because of the presence of a 41-year-old #3 starter with lingering health issues, who'd already said he was retiring after this season, well, I probably can't convince you otherwise. If Schilling had retired at the end of last season, the Red Sox still wouldn't have sent a Jon Lester and/or Clay Buchholz package to the Twins.

The whole point in hanging on to your young players is to allow them to grow into their roles, which these Sox pitchers now will, albeit quicker than expected with Schilling out of commission.

Topps baseball cards are hitting the market this week, and about one in every 70 packs will include a fake picture of Rudy Giuliani, the former New York City mayor, celebrating with the Red Sox on the field after their World Series win -- a liberty Topps took in creating various mock baseball cards this year, though Giuliani's will be the only one in wide release.

(For the full list of mock cards, see below).

Giuliani, a former presidential candidate, alienated some New York fans back in October by declaring he was rooting for Boston in the World Series -- "I'm an American league fan," he said -- and Topps ran with the idea, according to the Associated Press.

"We took that and thought it would make for a funny card, since the Red Sox won," said Clay Luraschi, baseball brand manager for The Topps Co. "We thought, let's put him in the championship dog pile."

Topps did something similar a year ago, inserting President Bush into the stands and Mickey Mantle into the dugout in the background of Derek Jeter's card.

Beyond the Giuliani card, the following baseball cards were created specially for Topps 2008, and sources tell me these rare and valuable pieces will be popping up in random packs as well.

* Rick Ankiel signing for a FedEx package.

* Kansas City Owner David Glass pushing a shopping cart out of Wal-Mart, filled with free agents who aren't good-value has-beens.

* Johnny Damon, his left arm replaced by the Bionic Woman's.

* Barry Bonds kissing the asterisk ball.

* Matt Holliday standing on first base, refusing to move.

* Moises Alou wiping his hands with a moist toilette.

* Mike Winters laughing at Milton Bradley as he writhes on the ground.

* C.C. Sabathia, his hat held straight by a neck halo.

* Brett Myers getting cold-cocked by his wife.

* Suzyn Waldman having sex with the New York Yankees.

* Eric Wedge burning a white towel.

* Clint Hurdle burning a white towel.

* Willie Randolph smoking a cigar.

* Manny Ramirez reaching into the Monster Seats to make a bare-handed grab.

* Joe Torre awake in the dugout.

* Sen. John Edwards chasing an ambulance.

* Jonathan Papelbon rooting through his dog's ####

* Roger Clemens on all fours in a pasture.

* Derek Jeter in a rundown between IRS agents.

* Julio Lugo in street clothes.

* Randy Johnson at the barber.

* Cole Hamels's wife.

* Jim Rice holding his Hall of Fame plaque.

* Steve Bartman in a White Sox hat.

* Ken Griffey Jr. in a china shop.

* Honus Wagner smoking a cigarette.

* Jeff Kent popping a wheelie.

* A-Rod holding the World Series trophy.

    Hidden behind the Patriots' record-breaking season of scoring and near perfection was Bill Belichick's year-long lack of faith in place kicker Stephen Gostkowski. Considering the Patriots won all 3 of their Super Bowls this decade by a field goal (off the leg of current Colt Adam Vinatieri), it's fittingly ironic that they'd lose a title game because they didn't trust their kicker to convert from any respectable distance.
    Critics might say that Belichick was arrogant or insane to go for it on fourth and 13 from the Giants 31-yard line midway through the third quarter, rather than let Gostkowski attempt a 48-yard field goal. But if the old maxim remains true, that you don't change your playbook once you get to the Super Bowl, then it made sense that Belichick didn't let Gostkowski take a shot: He's had little faith in him all season; and whatever remained went out the window in the playoff game against Jacksonville, when Gostkowski missed a 35-yard kick with 57 seconds left in the first half, which would have put the Patriots up 17-14. After that, he never even attempted another field goal in the post-season.
    Because the Patriots set an NFL record for touchdowns this season, Gostkowksi's field goal attempts were expectedly low. His 21 makes were good for only 25th in the league. Given New England's high-flying offense, that's not a red flag. What is, however, is this stat: Of the 31 NFL kickers who made at least 10 field goals in 2007, Gostkowski had the shortest long of the season, 45 yards. Belichick might have been crazy not to punt on fourth and 13, but not attempting a field goal was in keeping with what he knew about Gostkowski. Namely, that he had no history of success -- at least this season -- from anywhere north of 45 yards.
    During the preseason, the Pats' kicker missed four kicks: from 33, 46, 53 and 56 yards. During the regular season, he missed three: from 41, 32 and 48. He only attempted 5 field goals of between 40-49 yards all season, making 3. In his two seasons in New England, he's only attempted 10 regular-season field goals of more than 40 yards, making 6 (including his career long of 52 yards last year).
    The few number of attempts is a combination of two factors in particular: A high-scoring offense whom you trust to convert on fourth downs (Pats were 15 of 21 during the regular season) and a weak-legged kicker whom you distrust to make even moderately long field goals.
    How big of a weakness was Gostkowski for the Patriots? During blowouts, none. But during a tight game like the Super Bowl, huge. Consider this: 24 of the 31 kickers who made at least 10 field goals this season also kicked at least one field goal of 49 yards or more. So 75 percent of regular NFL place kickers had tried AND converted that length of field goal. The Patriots, on the other hand, never even attempted a kick that long during the regular season.
    So, what happens when you need to kick a 48- or 49- yard field goal in the Super Bowl? If you're Bill Belichick, you feel such a lack of confidence in your kicker that you go for it on fourth and 13. Can you really blame him?
    The Patriots had just gone 16 plays in 8 and a half minutes to start the second half, even extending their drive with a brilliant challenge that nabbed the Giants with 12 men on the field. A field goal would have put them up 10-3. But because Belichick felt certain that Gostkowski would miss -- and perhaps frustrated with the possibility of a long and fruitless drive -- he chose to go for it on fourth and 13.  The wise move would have been punting. The dumb move -- at least to Belichick -- would have been trying to kick a field goal.  The ultimate move was turning the ball over on downs.
    What was the immediate effect of that decision? Nothing really. The Giants punted on their next possession, then a field-position game ensued until New York took the lead 10-7.
    Still, after New England refused to even attempt that long field goal, you knew they wouldn't be winning another title on a last-minute kick.
    Down the road, if they don't find a kicker they can trust, they'll remain vulnerable...at least to losing Super Bowls by 3 points.

In the 1983 Super Bowl, when the Redskins played the Raiders, Washington had the highest-scoring team in league history. They'd gone 14-2 in the regular season, losing those two games by one point each. Otherwise, they' d more or less creamed everybody. Here are their game-by-game results: [www.pro-football-reference.com]

The Redskins that year had the league's MVP, quarterback Joe Theismann, and a running back (John Riggins) who'd set the NFL record for rushing touchdowns with 24. Not only that, but they'd played the Raiders in the regular season...and beat them 37-35 -- all of which strikes a familiar chord when considering Tom Brady, Randy Moss and the Week 17 game versus the Giants.

So what happened to those near-perfect Redskins in the 1983 Super Bowl? The underdog Raiders waxed them 38-9, because Washington imploded in almost every facet of the game. Not only did Raiders running back Marcus Allen run wild on the league's #1 ranked rushing defense, but the Skins surrendered touchdowns on a blocked punt and a pick-six...by Raiders linebacker Jack Squirek. Jack Who? Exactly. (Squirek, btw, landed on the cover of Sports Illustrated the next week. He's not been seen since.)

So, how bad were things for the Skins in that game? Well, after their lone touchdown, kicker Mark Moseley's extra point was blocked. In short, the Redskins -- who were just 4 points away from being 18-0 heading into the Super Bowl -- didn't show up to play. Think that could never happen to a Bill Belichick-coached team? Well, that loss to the Raiders was Joe Gibbs' s lone Super Bowl defeat. Otherwise, he was 3-0 in the big game -- which is where Bill Belichick stands right now.

Hmmm.

Anyway, I'm giving the Pats the benefit of the doubt in this one, because Stephen Gostkowski is pretty good at XPs. So, 38-10, Giants

After the game-fixing scandal involving former NBA referee Tim Donaghy, Major League Baseball is right to ask discomfiting questions about its umpires -- including whether they gamble, live beyond their means, smoke pot or belong to organizations like the ####. This isn't character assassination, and it's not screaming "fire!" in the absence of smoke. It's common sense taken to its obvious end.

Umpires are in positions of authority, with the capability of single-handedly affecting the lives of countless people, both in terms of gambling (winning or losing money) and general happiness, i.e., purposely blowing a call that goes against your team. Their objectivity cannot be questionable. While no one doubts that arbiters are occasionally influenced by grudges, personal dislikes and grammar-school pettiness, fans cannot be questioning (even to themselves) whether an umpire has been bought off or otherwise compromised.

Fearful of their own Donaghy-like development, MLB has reportedly released the hounds, sending investigators to question the neighbors, friends, acquaintances, mistresses and cabana boys of its umpires.

"The questions that we found out are being asked are about beating wives, marijuana use and extravagant parties," World Umpires Association president John Hirschbeck said to the Associated Press in a telephone interview Wednesday. "And then finally with this whole thing about the Ku Klux Klan.

"You get someone from security, shows his credentials and starts asking these kind of questions, and right away what's the neighbor going to think other than the umpire is in trouble, he's done something wrong and he's going to lose his job."

If I were an umpire and people were investigating my background, I'd probably #### twice and die. But that's why I'm not an umpire (or even currently employed). If umpires don't want investigators asking uncomfortable questions about their finances, friendships, families and pot-smoking habits, they should find another line of work, because the public needs to know that umpires have not been unduly influenced.

Can these investigations go too far? Can they be abused? Of course. But that's the risk we take with investing power in the hands of investigators -- and it's the same kind of power we invest in umpires. Hey, no one likes Internal Affairs, but they're a necessary evil, because they combat the threat o####reater evil: the undermining of the entire system.

Investigating umpires is not un-American. It's not a witch-hunt, it's not torture, and it doesn't run counter to the dictates of the Geneva Convention. It's common sense taken to a certain end: acknowledging the fallibility of human beings and trying to keep the most fallible -- the umpires who've been compromised by failures in judgment, ethics or associations -- as far away from the diamond as possible.

Who, other than the umpires themselves (and perhaps the ACLU) has a problem with this? If umps don't like it, well, we can always get Enrico Palazzo.