Two summers ago, Tim Tebow took a 2 week vacation to the Virgin Islands. Now, they're just called "The Islands."
Life doesn't give Tim Tebow lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
Tim Tebow was once sleeping on his stomach when he got morning wood and struck oil.
Tim Tebow's tears cure cancer...too bad Tim Tebow has never cried.
When Tim Tebow wants popcorn, he stares at Iowa.
When someone says, "Nobody's perfect," Tim Tebow takes it as a personal insult.
When Tim Tebow walks on water his feet don't get wet.
Before Tebow, Urban was Rural.
Did I ever tell you about the time Tebow was a contestant on the Wheel of Fortune? It was his turn so he spun the wheel. Of course, Tim being Tim, he spun it so hard that it came of its moorings, decapitated Pat Sajak and slammed through the wall into the set of the Price is Right. Tim walked through the hole in the wall and Bob Barker proceeded to lecture him on spaying and neutering his pets. Well, Tim had enough of that and picked up Bob and compressed him between his palms until he was small enough to fit on the Plinko board. And I'll be damned if he didn't win $10000 and a new Cadillac.
They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Tebow talk in his sleep.
When Tim Tebow does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up; rather he's pushing the Earth down.
When the Boogieman goes to bed at night he looks under the bed for Tim Tebow.
What color is Tebow's blood? Trick question. Tebow doesn't bleed.
Tim Tebow is so good that they should get rid of postage stamps and replace them with 1-by-1.5-inch official UF team photos of Tim Tebow. This way, people will be much more motivated to pay their bills by mail instead of online. Which will free up valuable internet server space for people to perform non-stop Google Image searches for 'Tim Tebow.' This will also eliminate more trees, which are a tangible threat to Tim Tebow’s unrivaled goodness.
Tim Tebow is so good that his name should be randomly inserted into verses of The Star-Spangled Banner.This will be done at different, randomly-chosen times in the song so as to keep everyone on their toes and ensure that they do not take Tim Tebow's presence for granted. For example, a verse could go like this: O Tim, can you Tebow, by the dawn’s early light, What so proudly we Tim at the Tebow's last gleaming. OR: O say, can you Tim, by the dawn’s early Tebow, ?What so Tebow we Tim at the Tebow's Tim Tebow, OR: And the rockets’ red Tebow, Tim Tebows bursting in air, Gave Tim through the Tebow that Tim was still Tebow. Why should this be done? This should be done not only because this is what is right. This should be done because this is what our Founding Tebows had in mind when they formed this great Tebow. This should be done to celebrate the embodiment of all that is loveable in America. Of all that is wholesome. Of all that is pure. Of all that is good. Of all that is Tebow.
Tim Tebow uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
When Tim Tebow has sex with a man, it is not because he is ####, but because he has run out of women.
Tim Tebow once threw a pass so hard that the football broke the speed of light, went back in time, and hit Amelia Earhart's plane while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Tim Tebow doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Tim Tebow is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Tim Tebow.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Tim Tebow smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Tim Tebow .
Tim Tebow once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Tim Tebow kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to #### every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Tim Tebow --more than meets the eye, Tim Tebow --robot in disguise"
The chief export of Tim Tebow is pain.
Tim Tebow is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right arms.
While attending the school that invented Gatorade, Tim Tebow had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Tim Tebow.
If you can see Tim Tebow, he can see you. If you can't see Tim Tebow, he just scored another touchdown.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Tim Tebow took over.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Tim Tebow.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Tim Tebow.
Tim Tebow drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
Tim Tebow's throwing arm is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Tim Tebow doesn't believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Tim Tebow's enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Tim Tebow has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Tim Tebow once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "####!"
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Tim Tebow.
Ironically, Tim Tebow's hidden talent is invisibility.
Tim Tebow eats Transformers toys in vehicle mode and ####s them out transformed into a robot.
Tim Tebow owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of ####s, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Tim Tebow invented water.
Tim Tebow went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Tim Tebow yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Tim Tebow accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Tim Tebow , not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly beaten in the National Championship game.
Tim Tebow is Luke Skywalker's real father.
Tim Tebow does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Tim Tebow threw his first pass next to every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Tim Tebow can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his big toe.
Tim Tebow is so good that whenever networks broadcast a Florida Gators game, they should digitally insert a halo over Tim Tebow's head that follows him live on every play. This way, when Tim Tebow lets off on a glorious run, we will see him. When Tim lets off a beautiful pass from the heavens of Tebow, we will see him. And we won’t just see him, we will see him for what he is – the majestic pony prince of all 117 college football provinces. If this means sacrificing the yellow first down marker, so be it. Would you rather have CBS count ten yards for you, or would you rather have CBS illuminate Tim Tebow’s inherent goodness for you? I thought so.
I've been taking a trip down memory lane lately after I found a long lost box of old stuff from my single life.
As I thought about the past, I began to remember the things that made me who I am today. I am a diehard Mizzou fan because my time there was amazing. My introduction to college football as a fan began there.
I remember when Coach Larry Smith came to town. I remember that game against Nebraska that the Tigers really won. (kicking a ball into the air to keep it in play is AGAINST the NCAA rules) I was on the damn field already when they told us the game was going to overtime. The next day I was given a history lesson on the bad calls that have kept being made against our school. In case you are wondering there are two national champions that actually lost in Missouri, but escaped with wins due to bad calls. Colorado and Nebraska. ####kers.
Then Missouri got robbed this year in Iowa State.
"Oh, by the way you actually won that game last week, but it still won't count."
That's what Coach Gary Pinkle heard from NCAA officials. (And we didn't even play a Pac 10 team!)
So, as I think about the past heartbreaks as a Mizzou fan I look forward to this upcoming year. As a Cowboys fan that has suffered through over a decade of mediocrity since Aikman and Emmit and Michael and Dion, I look forward to seeing my boys in the playoffs.
This last year wasn't all bad. My beloved Cards finally got the #### off their backs and put together a complete series to win it all.
But my Mavs just self destructed in the NBA Finals and I don't even want to talk about the Blues.
But this post is about looking ahead.
So here's to 2007...
Here's to Chase Daniels' run for the Heisman.
Here's to Mizzou's run for the Big 12 Football Title.
Here's to Dallas making it to Super Bowl XLI.
Here's to Super Bowl XLI MVP Tony Romo.
Here's to Bill Parcells sticking around another year.
Here's to T.O.'s impending departure from Dallas.
Here's to Mizzou's run in March.
Here's to the Cardinals' repeat.
Here's to the NCAA finally ending the BCS madness.
Here's to the new college football playoff system. (AND NO I DO NOT ENDORSE THE STUPID ESPN PLAN)
Here's to my return to radio.
Here's to my cousin Bobby coming home from Iraq safely.
Here's to all our boys coming home for Easter.
Here's to putting our country first.
Here's to making new friends.
Here's to mending old fences.
Here's to living life, making love, and raising some kids.
GO MIZZOU!
No, I did not throw darts at an atlas and pick my teams. I grew up a DIEHARD, Texas-bred Dallas Cowboys FANATIC. I went to Mizzou during the Larry Smith and Norm Stewart years, but now I live on a beach in South Florida.
I'm a published #### talker and once did a story on Jason Sutherland getting a sex change in order to join the WNBA. That was of course, in no way true, but funny enough for an April Fools edition of the school paper.
Favorite Teams:
Dallas Cowboys, Missouri Tigers, Tampa Bay Rays.
Oh and... All Hail The Big 12!
