You've heard the saying, "Winners never quit, and quitters never win."  Generally, it's true.  But not in this case.  I'm quitting, and I'm gonna be a winner  ....  I think.

Here are some belated New Year's resolutions for 2008 that I may or may not keep.

Warning: Some of these are not sports related.

I'm quitting alcohol.  That's right, I'm never going to drink again.  (yeah, who am I kidding, this resolution won't make it thru the weekend)

I'm quitting caffeine.  Sure, that withdrawal headache is going to be brutal, but just think how much extra sleep I'll be getting in return!  And my hands will be steadier too.

I'm quitting the living room sofa.  No more sports tv couch potato for me, and some day I will read an entire Tom Clancy novel from beginning to end - just not right now.  While I watch the NFL playoffs and Super Bowl I shall do jumping jacks.  While I watch the Daytona 500 I shall do sit-ups.  While I watch March Madness I shall do burpees.  Then I shall go for a 10 mile run just for the heck of it.

I'm quitting procrastination.  Except for that Tom Clancy book thing of course.

I'm quitting my Green Bay Packer hate.  One morning I just woke up and thought, "Maybe that Brett Favre ain't so evil after all."  (Exception: whenever the Packers play the Bears, my hatred shall return)

I'm quitting every bad habit I've ever had.  It just makes good sense.

I'm quitting my desires to date a supermodel.  Too many restraining orders, it seems like I can't even leave the house without a police escort.  I'm setting my sights on tennis hotties such as Maria Sharapova.  Hot and sweaty tennis babes grunting in short skirts is what 2008 will be all about for me.

I'm quitting my desires to become a Formula 1 driver.  At some point, I just had to face reality.  I am shifting my racing dream to the Craftsman Truck Series, and seeing as I drive a Chevy Silverado I'm already half way there!  And I even have a helmet and black leather driving gloves too!  Oh yeah, this is going to happen.

I'm quitting any and all bad thoughts towards others.  I will love my fellow human beings, even if they attended Arizona State University.  Even the  most offensive and criminally insane among us shall have my respect.  As an addendum to this resolution, I will quit throwing things at people.  Most don't seem to like it when I do that.

I'm quitting sarcasm.  Words can be hurtful, and as my previous resolution clearly stated, I'm not doing that in 2008.  I do reserve the right to irony.  And maybe a little innuendo.  Just a little.

I'm quitting my plan to tryout for QB of the Chicago Bears.  I may be crazy, but I ain't stupid.  Playing QB for the Bears is like breaking a mirror - you get 7 years bad luck!

I'm quitting my fear that the Chicago Cubs will never win the World Series.  I will publicly embrace the many years of futility and proudly wear my Cubs jersey to each and every sporting event that I attend this year.  God Bless Wrigley Field.

Amen.

So there you have it, in 2008 I will be a (somewhat) sober and relaxed Chevy truck racer smiling and waving to everyone while wearing a #4 Green Bay Packer jersey with Maria Sharapova closely by my side.

Oh man, this is gonna be great!!

Dear Diary, 

I am sort of sad as the last week of 2007 arrives.  My buddy Jeremy hurt his leg really bad, and Coach told me that his leg is broken.  That was bad news.  But I'm not supposed to worry because the Doctor will fix Jeremy's leg real good and before too long we will be able to play catch some more, just like old times.  That will be next year though.  I wrote an email to Jeremy and wished him well and asked if he gets lots of ice cream while he is in the hospital.  He wrote me back saying that the hurt leg hasn't slowed him down, it just means that his "biotches" have to be "on top" for a while.  I don't know what he means by that.

Last week's game in Buffalo was not very fun.  It was like windy and raining real bad and the ball was slippery.  I make mistakes when the ball is slippery, and then I feel bad.  Coach's face gets real red, and he says bad words.  I don't like it when he gets red like that.  Brandon and Ahmad told me that they had my back though and that I was their "homey".  They are nice guys and they run real hard when I give them the ball.  I think I will bring them some homemade apple cider that I got for Christmas.

This week we play against the New England Patriots, and I'm a little scared.  The Boston people are really mean.  I hope the weather will be nice, so the ball will not be slippery.  I make mistakes when the ball is slippery.  Everyone is excited around here for this game even though we have got a spot in the playoffs, and guys are yelling real loud and saying curse words alot.  I try to forgive them when they curse because they are my friends, but it is hard.  Those words they say are real bad words.

I got an email from Tiki the other day wishing me good luck.  For a minute I was happy, but then I remembered all the mean things Tiki said about me.  I think he is lying when he says he hopes we win against the Patriots.  I think he wants us to lose.  Tiki is not my friend any more, and I think he is just being mean again.  Like that time Tiki and Ronde dressed exactly the same and pretended to be the same person.  They kept going in and out of rooms real fast until it made me angry.  That was a mean joke.

Christmas was fun, and I got a new game for my Xbox called "Gears of War".  It is a little scary but fun.  Madden 08 is still my favorite game though.  I saw dad and Peyton and Cooper and wished them Happy Holidays.  Peyton showed me his Super Bowl ring like he always does, he is real proud of it.  Maybe some day I will have a Super Bowl ring of my own.  I really hope so.

I practiced real hard and I want to do real good in this last game on Saturday.  In the playoffs people say we will play the Bucks.  That is the team with the Pirate ship!  Oh that is so cool, I like that pirate ship and they shoot real guns and everything.  I am excited about going there because it is warm there.  I hope it doesn't rain though.  I make mistakes when the ball is slippery.

Your pal Eli.

AP updated 1 hour 21 minutes ago

SMALLTOWN, Illinois - Several prominent athletes from around the world were identified in a recent report issued from the back o####arage as having possible su####ious histories and accomplishments.  The Report was based upon years of research and investigation executed by unknown persons with unknown motives, but has been widely accepted among television viewers and internet readers as another example of sports fans being disappointed by their heroes.

As one bagger at a local grocery store stated, "C'mon man, it's a bunch of names that someone took the time to put together.  And it's called 'The Report'.  It must be true.  Now look, I need an answer, would you like paper or plastic?"

For the record, this reporter declared, "Paper."

The Report also appeared on several automobile windshields outside a local grocery store and raised many questions among the parking lot populace.  Most of the parking lot people that were polled expressed both disgust and anger at The Report, but a few questioned the validity of the accusations and wondered what proof could be provided to substantiate such allegations beyond the testimony of a select few.  After all, these were beloved heroes and community leaders that were being identified by name.

"Like, I'm really bummed right now," replied one distressed young lady at the grocery store.

When seen exiting the garage from which The Report had originated, The Report's author (known only as "bc525") was asked about the statements and accusations made in The Report's findings.  At first, it appeared as if the author attempted to hide from reporters by climbing into the bed of a Chevy Silverado parked outside, but once it was pointed out that reporters had in fact spotted the author, he became agitated and made a quick statement to the media.

"I stand by the findings of The Report.  To the best of my knowledge it contains factual rumors and actual happenstance that I was later told may have happened.  I mean seriously, I'm a human male 5 feet 10 inches tall, weighing 160 pounds, and I'm in perfect physical condition.  Heck, I competed in nearly every sport available to me while growing up, yet, I never came close to the achievements of these athletes.  So I asked myself, Why are they so superior?  After extensive investigation with other people that seemed to know where it's at and after exploring all the possible explanations, I came to the only logical conclusion - which I outlined in The Report.  That's all I can say at this time, so if you'll excuse me, I need to get my truck out and go to the grocery store."

Here is the controversial report, in its entirety:

The Report

I have tried and tried at sports, but for reasons unknown, I have never been able to duplicate the athletic fetes of my sports heroes.  As a result, my sports career has quietly died a premature death.  I feel I have so much to give to the sports world and the sports fans.  Fortunately I have been a resourceful human being, and I've managed to build a career outside of sports.  Life has been good, and I would consider myself to be blessed.  However, the failures of my sporting efforts have always haunted me, and every time I watch one of my sports heroes or read about one of my sports heroes, I feel emotional.

What special ability do they possess?

The answer came to me in my most recent bout of drunken epiphany, which is more commonly known as The Company Christmas Party.  Numerous drunken colleagues may have possibly confirmed my su####ions, and so in retrospect, I have decided it shall be truth.

The following list contains the names of my great athletic heroes, both from my "era" and from before my "time".  I believe these individuals to be "Not of This World".  That's right, they're simply not human.  They possess an iron will and a dedication of both body and soul that simply can't be explained by any human equation.  They are, in fact, Aliens to me.

The list consists of, but is not limited to:

Jim Brown, Bonnie Blair, Michael Jordan, Edison Arantes de Nascimento, Anika Sorenstam, Roger Fedorer, Lance Armstrong, Willie Mays, Michael Schumacher, Eldrick Woods, Allison Fisher, Richard Petty, and Wayne Gretzky.

Please note, more names may be added to this list at my discretion.

We must pray that the New England Patriots complete the NFL season and playoffs and Super Bowl with a perfect and unblemished record.  That would be a smashing 19-0 for those that like numbers, or "nineteen and oh" for those that prefer verbage.  If the Pats win 'em all, there would be peace on earth and goodwill to all.  Cats and dogs would no longer fight.  Republicans and Democrats would be able to agree which flavor of Kool-Aid really does taste best.  And once and for all, the 1972 Miami Dolphins would leave the champagne on ice.

19 Lessons to be learned from a Patriots perfect season  ....

• Bostonians have become that which they despise, they are the new New Yorkers.
• An old and mediocre defense is allowed five "Get Out of Penalty" cards per game.
• Piling up the points on poor teams is always good for business.
• Randy Moss can hustle and be a good teammate if his team is winning.
• Brian Billick loves Rodney Harrison.
• Deadbeat dads really do make the best quarterbacks money can buy.
• Jason Whitlock knows skin color (but not much else).
• More coaches must wear hoodies, and though constipated facial expressions are encouraged, they're not mandatory.
• Guaranteeing a win is truly the standard by which all fools shall be judged.
• Dudes shooting muskets with blanks in the endzone just makes good sense, and provides good smoke screens for fans trying to watch the game.
• Boston sports fans are classy winners and demonstrate true sportsmanship.
• Don Shula learns about karma as modern Miami Dolphins team gets thrown into the winless abyss.
• Wes Welker is actually the Energizer Bunny Rabbit.
• Running the football is so last year.
• The AFC East is a complete and utter joke.
• Bill Clinton did not have sex with that woman, but Tom Brady did.
• Cheaters become champions.  As Dark Helmet declared, "Evil will always win, because good is dumb."
• Patriots will never erase the ultimate beatdown of Super Bowl XX.

And the number one lesson to be learned from a Patriots perfect season ....

• Bribing the referees still works!

Disclaimer:  bc525 and its associated entities are not responsible for anything and are absolved from any and all accountability.  This is a work of fiction and any similarities to actual persons either living or dead is purely satirical and meant to elicit a laugh or a chuckle or even a giggle.  Possibly even a snort.

(c) 2007 When Hot Wheels Go Flat, L.L.C.  "Building Better Blogs Four Letters at a Time."

Well, here at the Hot Wheels Blog Factory it has been a sad sad week.  Our hero, Rex Grossman, has been unceremoniously dumped.  So our Rex Grossman for MVP Foundation has gone belly up after only one week in existence.  Earlier this week, two minutes of silence were observed, followed by the traditional flushing of the toilet as we honored Rexie's dismissal.

Lovie Smith broke our hearts, and quite frankly, we blame Marty Schottenheimer.  We're not quite sure how, but this Bear predicament must be all his fault.

For those who supported our Rex Grossman for MVP Foundation, we thank you.  Your donations and kindly fundings have stocked our beer cooler for many days to come.  And as Cubs fans, we here at the Hot Wheels Blog Factory will very badly need that cold beer for the inevitable Cubbie Collapse that looms on the horizon.  As for the Bears, it possibly could get alot worse before it gets any better, so we must also brace ourselves for the approaching circus of calamity.

And apparently it will be done under the guidance of one Brian Griese.  Brian Griese is vanilla.  He is even more vanilla than vanilla.  He is ####y like rice cakes.  But I guess the Bears coaching staff likes boring, and they want a quarterback that will actually throw passes with his eyes open.

Whatever.

Rex brought variety and thrills to an otherwise stale and stagnant Bear offense, and he did it with a Three Stooges brand of football that endeared him to us here at Hot Wheels.  He made us laugh when times were tough, and he always brought a smile to our tear streaked little faces.  Bears fans everywhere will no longer be treated to Rex's wonderful stumble and fall maneuvers.  Nor will they be treated to the occasional botched snaps that were vintage Rex.  It goes without saying that interception returns for TD's are likely things of the past.  Griese will probably attempt to throw (and maybe even complete) his passes to Bears receivers.  Backwards passes?  Gone.  This Griese guy is just so dull.

Kyle Orton would have been a better choice.  At least he has been known to grow the ugliest beard in the NFL.  That earns some style points at least.

Oh, but hang on a minute, there may be hope.  The Bears defense has been scrabbled together from anyone left that can walk and talk at the same time.  The Bears have no running game to speak of, and it's pretty much a certainty that the Bears offensive line couldn't block the University of Illinois defensive line right now.  So it is quite possible that Griese will fill in nicely for the role that Rexie once portrayed.  Of course, no one can trip and fall while fumbling the football and flailing his arms like good ol' Rex, but hey, we'll give Grease his fifteen minutes.

In fact, let's start up the Brian Griese for MVP Foundation right now!  Yes, let's jump on the bandwagon for Grease while it's still empty.  Actually, that bandwagon hasn't even started moving yet, but that's okay.  There is a sense that the Bears are fast heading downhill so this buggy oughta pick up some speed in no time flat.

Oh, wait a minute, that doesn't sound like a good thing.

Anyhoo, as before with the now defunct Rex Grossman for MVP Foundation, you can send donations and money and whatever else you have lying around to:

• Brian Griese for MVP Foundation
• c/o: Hot Wheels Blog Factory
• 12345 Pothole Lane
• Smalltown, Illinois 54321

Somebody has to fund our beer drinking, might as well be y'all.  But please do not send Canadian currency.  Apparently one couple in Toronto did not understand that Smalltown, Illinois, is actually located within the United States of America.  So Joan and Burt Stovebolt, we are returning your donation.  Sorry, please try again.

And for the record, if/when the Brian Griese for MVP Foundation flounders and fails, don't worry, we have a Kyle Orton for MVP Foundation just waiting to take its place.  And while we're at it, please feel free to join our Jimmy Clausen for Heisman Foundation.  Gotta love those Golden Domer fans, they'll pay money for anything.  After all, somebody has to keep Jimmy Clausen and Charlie Weiss together while the rest of the Notre Dame team transfers.

As always, thank you for your support, and remember, turn that frown upside down.  They sell more beer right up the road!

Life is good.

(c) 2007  When Hot Wheels Go Flat, L.L.C.  (All Rights Reserved)

Okay, look, as a fan of the Chicago Bears I feel I have been quiet long enough.  I'm tired of all the Rex Grossman bashing that's been going on around the NFL and the sports media world, and I've finally decided to take action.  We here at the Hot Wheels Blog Factory are starting a campaign for Rex Grossman as the Most Valuable Player in the NFL.

If you are not a Chicago Bears fan and/or a Chicago Cubs fan, you most likely will not understand the following itemized list that chronicles why Rex is so special to us loyal fans, but please feel free to read along anyways.  At the conclusion of this list there will be a phone number and address if you wish to contribute to our Rex Grossman for MVP Foundation.  As always, we appreciate your support.

1. Rex is the only NFL QB that closes his eyes when he throws, and I'm quite certain that he's very religious.
2. Drinking games can be devised for botched snaps or when he trips and falls.  Either way is fun.
3. Scoring touchdowns with the offense is so cliche (and boring).  Scoring touchdowns with the Bears defense and special teams makes games much more exciting.
4. There's always the enjoyable pregame debate: Did Rex prepare for this game or not?
5. Face it, we're all gawkers at heart.  We rarely admit to it, but we like watching a high speed car chase in hopes that it will end in a big wreck.  Chances are #8 will deliver the crash and burn at some point during each game.
6. Rex always makes opposing defenses feel good about themselves.  That's very nice of him.
7. Periodic fumbles and lost yardage bring variety and intrigue to the Bears offense.  The Notre Dame offense is currently attempting to imitate this scheme.
8. Making wounded duck noises when Rex throws a pass entertains those sitting around you.
9. His postgame interiews are just good tv.
10. Watching Rex scramble is like watching a baby wildebeast run for its life on the Serengeti.  You know the lionness must feed her cubs, but your heart is still pulling for the little wildebeast to escape.  And sometimes he makes it.
11. I am convinced Grossman has multiple personalities, and I am in the process of assigning names to each one.
12. Sportstalk radio has plenty of material after each and every game.
13. Classic Rex = 1 40yd completion + 1 stumble and fall + 1 36yd completion + 1 pass to ineligible receiver.  It's really anybody's guess what's going to happen next!
14. Laughing out loud has been proven to be quite healthy.
15. The green dot on the back of his helmet is like he's been tagged by some National Geographic team to track his migrations around the football field.
16. I'll bet Rex is a good disco dancer, like John Travolta maybe.  Or at least better than Peyton Manning.
17. Bears fans are relieved when our defense is on the field.
18. Mark my words, there will come a day when Rex will be asked to "pooch-punt" on third down to catch the opposing defense unawares.  I have no idea what will happen, but trust me you will want to record it for its theatrical value.
19. The Bears offense is like the Marx Brothers or Abbott and Costello's "Who's On First", and that's good entertainment right there.
20. Rex Grossman can beat up Tom Brady.  (And Rex would never ever dump Bridgette Moynahan!)
21. Bears fans who wear Grossman #8 jerseys are indeed brave souls, and that makes me want to buy them a beer.
22. Rex's throwing mechanics and footwork are inspirations for all of us chuckers and wannabe quarterbacks out there.  If Rex can do it, then so can we!
23. Cursing and throwing things at the tv set is good exercise as well as good training for item #22.  You never know when the Atlanta Falcons are going to call and want you as their quarterback.
24. Watching the Bears offense takes away some of the pain of being a Cubs fan.
25. Package of Johnsonville brats = $10.  Case of beer = $18.  Unexpected joy when Rexie suddenly throws a TD = priceless!

If you would like to join our Rex Grossman for MVP Foundation, please send a donation and gratuitous remittance to:

• The Rex Grossman for MVP Foundation
• c/o: Hot Wheels Blog Factory
• 12345 Pothole Lane
• Smalltown, Illinois 54321

Or if you would prefer to use your credit card, please call:

1-888-Rex-4MVP.  Please have your credit card ready when you call, so our helpful staff can take down your vital financial information.  Remember, every dollar counts, and YOU can make a difference in Rex's drive for the MVP.

Operators are standing by.

Thank you for your continued support, and don't forget to tell Rex to BEAR DOWN!!  In our next installment, we will outline our Jimmy Clausen for Heisman Foundation.  So please stay tuned.

The preceding has been a public service announcement provided by The Hot Wheels Blog Factory (Building Better Blogs four letters at a time).  Fox Sports and all associated entities are not affiliated in any with bc525 or its Blog Factory or its Rex Grossman for MVP Foundation.  And we're pretty sure Rex Grossman doesn't endorse our Rex Grossman for MVP Foundation.

(c) 2007  When Hot Wheels Go Flat, L.L.C.  (All Rights Reserved)