Today we play mad scientist, ala Victor Frankenstein.  With the college football teams in spring practice and everybody gearing up for the upcoming intrasquad scrimmages, it is time to construct the perfect college football coach from DNA, scraps, spare body parts, and icons from around the coaching industry.  I will send my faithful henchman Igor out with a shopping list to gather all of the materials we need for this project and then finally after everything has been gathered, we will need a bolt of lightning to animate our coaching creation.

First off, our coach should be a class act, preferably a dude of genuine integrity.  We want to run an honest program here at the medieval University of Ingolstadt (the "Rambling Werewolves"), so we need a coach that is a stand-up kind o####uy, a coach that represents good wholesome values.  For this we will need the sweater vest of Ohio State coach Jim Tressel.

Loyalty and longevity are absolute requirements, since we can't have our perfect coach jumping ship to the NFL at the first sign of success, but rather we want him here at the U of I for many decades to come.  He will not just be our coach, he will be an institution.  We will build many statues of him, name streets in his honor, and he will forever be linked with our Werewolf football program.  For this we will need Igor to retrieve the broken (and healed) leg of Penn State coach Joe Paterno.  It might also be a good idea to get Joe Pa's coke bottle bottom glasses too, just to be safe.

Next, we need a leader that has that certain aura of intimidation.  When our coach walks into the media room for the postgame press conference, we want those reporters trembling in their loafers.  When you sit in a room with our coaching creation, you should feel as if you're in the presence o####reat military general.  For this we will need the houndstooth hat worn by Alabama's Paul "Bear" Bryant.  Nothing says scary like a big dude named Bear wearing a checkered hat.

Igor laughed at that one, but believe me, no one will be laughing once that lightning bolt shocks our perfect scary coaching creation to life.

Okay, where were we?  Ah yes, recruiting, recruiting, recruiting.  Our coach can't win if he doesn't have the athletes, right.  This means that our coach must be able to relate to the modern young adult as both a student/athlete and as a person.  He must be able to provide strict guidance while at the same time connecting with the players on a personal level.  For this we will need the ears and vocal chords of USC coach Pete Carroll.  As a back-up plan Igor will also get the ears and voice box from Illinois coach Ron Zook.

Hey it just makes good sense to have some spares lying around since recruiting can be so fickle.

In today's college football the coach must also be able to think outside the box, so we're gonna need some big doses of creativity and innovation.  With time to prepare a gameplan, our team's playcalling will be next to impossible to defend!  We will be intelligent yet unorthodox, and we will be fun to watch.  So for this we'll need the right brain half of Florida coach Urban Meyer.  Wouldn't hurt if we also convinced QB Tim Tebow to transfer over here to Ingolstadt as well.

Can't forget about Old School football either though, you know the glory days of "win one for the Gipper" and passionate speeches that could make grown men cry.  The days when players wore leather helmets and regularly got their noses busted during the games.  We're talking about an inspirational leader here, and our coach had better be able to belt out an uplifting halftime talk that gets our guys charged up.  For this we will need the left brain half of Notre Dame great Knute Rockne.

Intangibles are very important but also very difficult to capture.  Elusive things like instilling team chemistry and player confidence and strength of character are crucial to building a truly great football program, but then again we're not sure how to gather these intangibles.  I'm not sure how, but somehow we need the spirit of Grambling coach Eddie Robinson, we need a leader that has the respect of the entire football community.

Fists of fury will likely be required since football is a tough sport and being a football coach means you gotta bust some heads every now and then.  Fire and intensity should be good to get the job done, and of course a wicked nasty right hook can be very valuable.  For this we will need the arms of Ohio State legend Woody Hayes, and we will schedule the Clemson Tigers for our first game.

It's gonna be great!

We had better balance out those old school fists of fury with some discipline though.  Can't have our coaching creation running around punching everybody in the mouth, that would be bad public relations and might get us in trouble with the NCAA.  So, our coach must also have an air of quiet and steadfast toughness to him, and he must rule with strict but fair methods.  For this we need the backbone and heart of Nebraska coach Tom Osborne.

Our coach can't just be a humorless stiff though, he's got to have a little wackiness to him and a good sense of comedic relief at just the right moment.  We've got to be very careful here though because too much wackiness and we run the risk of crossing over into fullblown psycho like crazy Les Miles - and that ain't good.  Wackiness is a critical ingredient for life, but we only need a dash or two and that's all or else everything could very easily spin out of control.  For this we'll need the good ol' boy southern attitude of Florida State coach Bobby Bowden.

Last but not least, our coaching creation needs an identity, a name.  A real catchy name, one that people will remember.  We shall call him    .....    Art Vandelay.

And in the off-season he'll be an architect.