I’ve quit watching the NFL preseason. As an NFL junkie, I recognize that might be considered blasphemous. I don’t care. I can’t take it any longer.

What have I been doing? I’ve been suckered into watching Bravo’s Project Runway and Work Out. I’ve been taking advantage of my Blockbuster Online membership. I’ve been working on my stuff that, unlike the NFL preseason, might actually matter in the long run. I’ve even been doing the dishes. I’ve been doing anything, and I mean anything, that I possibly can to avoid being bored to death by three-plus-quarters-of-scrubs football. Why? This is why:

Point blank—preseason football is worthless.

Household names like T.O., Tom Brady, Ray Lewis, and L.T. barely even lace up their cleats during the preseason these days, and when they do it’s usually for one scoring drive or one 3-and-out. Out of harms way for most of four quarters, that is. And nobody misses the few highlights star players make during the nanoseconds that they actually do strap on their chinstraps, at least halfway, and play. All of those plays and some serious filler are shown over, and over, and over on Sportscenter. And even if the magnificent moves of the NFL preseason do make you “ewwwwww” and “ahhhhhh,” should they?

During the NFL preseason, T.O. stands for “Time Off.”

Do big preseason plays, hell, even preseason wins amount to anything more substantial once the exhibition games are over? Not really.

I’m no statmonger, but I can’t recall the last time an undefeated preseason team ripped through the NFL regular season like a Hulk Hogan T-shirt on their way to winning the Superbowl. In fact, sometimes it seems like the exact opposite happens with higher frequency. Teams that are established contenders and don’t have anything to really prove during the preseason tend to take it easy during the throwaway exhibition games.

Don’t believe me? The Oakland Raiders’ first string has looked absolutely pathetic thus far. Still, the Raiders are somehow 3-0 in preseason play. Meanwhile, the defending Superbowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers are 0-2. Who actually thinks the Shell-shocked Raiders are better than the Cowher-powered Steelers? I’m definitely not raising my hand.

I’m a die-harder-than-Bruce-Willis Kansas City Chiefs fan and I’m more excited about watching Greg Kinnear play #### Vermeil and Mark Wahlberg play special teams in Invincible than I am watching Herm Edwards play #### Vermeil and a bunch of no-namers play special teams for my Chiefs this August. For now I’ll just watch Sportscenter, check the injury reports, cram for my fantasy football leagues (we do it right—no preseason), and count down the days until the real NFL action begins. Hey, at least I’ll have Heidi Klum to keep me occupied.

Who were some of the pioneers of the flamboyant NFL Touchdown Celebration?

Ernest Givens brought the world the disco-cool “Electric Slide.” Icky Woods got us grooving with his patented “Icky Shuffle.” Vai Sikahema occasionally showed us his “Punches of Power.” Randy Moss raised eyebrows with his “Man on the Moon” post-TD taunt. Warren Sapp once even did his best Beyonce impersonation. More recently, Steve Smith took a turn as both Captain Jack Sparrow and a cover girl, while Chad Johnson hit us with everything from “The Proposal” to “The Irish ####.”

To take the oft-maligned art of Touchdown Celebrating to the next level, current NFL stars would be wise to take notice of these non-ballers and their nifty moves (special thanks to YouTube.com, the site linked to show you these awe-inspiring performances)...

Carlton

The Fresh Prince of Bel Air’s Carlton has moves for days and then some… The Carlton Dance

Gene Gene the Dancing Machine

Chuck Barris’ boy and one of the biggest stars from The Gong Show... Gene Gone Wild

Bobby Badfingers

Regis and his crew should be ashamed. After all, who has more talent than… Bobby and His Fingers

Chunk

The Goonies biggest dweeb shakes what his mama gave him … The Truffle Shuffle

Napoleon Dynamite

Sikahema’s nephew (I’m flippin’ serious) doing what only he can do… Darrin's Dance Grooves

Elaine

Added due to popular demand, Seinfeld's own Elaine (best I could find)… The Little Kicks

Big Ern

Kingpin's Ernie McCracken (not his in-lane dancing, but "still very good")… "Hi... Not You"

Chris Farley

Chris Farley, God bless his soul, inspires Sapp's next celebration… Dancing King

Golden Receivers

After drawing a schedule that includes matchups against many top-tier receivers—Chad Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin, Hines Ward, Chris Chambers, Torry Holt, Darrell Jackson, Randy Moss and now Javon Walker—the Kansas City Chiefs cornerback situation is looking bleaker and bleaker as we approach this NFL season.

The San Diego Chargers, one of the Chiefs’ AFC West rivals, knew that facing so many talented receivers would be a daunting task. That’s why the Chargers selected CB Antonio Cromartie in the first round of last weekend’s NFL Draft.

Meanwhile, the Chiefs waited until Round Five to select a corner—Marcus Maxey of Miami. Ever heard of him? Neither had I.

As a result of passing on a cornerback in the opening rounds of the draft, the Chiefs have former Pro Bowler Patrick Surtain on one side, and, and, and… well, the other side is a bit more of a mystery. Potential replacements for the departed Eric Warfield (who seemed to ring up as many DUI’s as he did INT’s as a Chief) include recently re-signed nickel back Benny Sapp, free-agent addition Lenny Walls (who at 6’4” is the tallest corner in the NFL), and unproven commodities Julian Battle, Alphonso Hodge and Maxey.

That’s not going to get the job done this year. Especially considering that the Chiefs face both the Denver Broncos’ Walker and the Oakland Raiders’ Moss twice. If the Chiefs don’t sign a talented cornerback before the season starts, Kansas City fans can count on seeing a lot of highlights this season. Highlights of Walker and Moss. Highlights of Johnson endzone celebrations, Ward smiling, and Fitzgerald and Boldin high-fiving.

Bring in the Law

That is where free agent CB Ty Law comes in. The guy makes trips to the Pro Bowl look as routine as Kansas City sports columnist Jason Whitlock going to Gates BBQ (a K.C. staple). More importantly, Law has three championship rings and a good relationship with the Chiefs new Head Coach Herman Edwards. Basically, he already has the respect of both the players and the coaching staff. Most importantly, he has a clean bill of health and will be more than ready to play when the season starts. Law was still hobbled when the Chiefs were pursuing him during this point of last year’s off-season.

Singing Law to play alongside Surtain would give the Chiefs arguably the best cornerback tandem in the league. After drafting ferocious Penn State DE Tamba Hali last weekend, the addition of Law would finally give the Chiefs a defense to match its potent offense.

And don’t believe Chiefs President Carl Peterson when he acts like the Chiefs don’t have any money. I read today that not only are they not over the cap, but that they will have about $9 million in wiggle room to spend if the team chooses to. The spendthrift Chiefs need to ante up that coin and save the season by signing Law. After Kansas City residents approved to give millions of dollars to a project that will renovate the Chiefs' Arrowhead Stadium, the least the Chiefs can do in return is not be the "Cheaps."

It’s simple; if the Chiefs sign Law before the season they can compete in the AFC West and make a push for a Super Bowl birth. If the Chiefs decide to pass on Law, then it will be another disappointing season. There is no way that the Chiefs can win 10-plus games facing these receivers with only Surtain and also-rans to defend them. The Chiefs may have a new sheriff (Edwards) in town, but they still need the Law.