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Last weekend we picked for the Chiefs in a first-round mock draft over at FoxSports.com’s blog community.
The draft was crazy, a little too crazy at times considering Tedd Ginn
Jr. went third overall and Amobi Okoye went 21st. Still, it was a
fairly accurate reflection of how the draft could go.When it came time
for us to make the 23rd pick lots of receivers — Calvin Johnson, Dwayne
Jarrett, Robert Meachem, Steve Smith, and Ted Ginn Jr. — were already
off the board. We looked long and hard at selecting Dwayne Bowe there,
who we like, but ultimately decided that we were going with a
cornerback. After all, Pat Surtain and Ty Law aren’t getting any faster
or younger. With only one CB previously selected, Michigan’s Leon Hall,
we were torn between Pittsburgh’s Darrelle Revis and Texas’ Aaron Ross.
After reading all kinds of scouting reports, reviewing stats and
watching as much YouTube footage as we could find for each player, we
decided that Revis was the pick. What impresses us the most about Revis
is that he wasn’t surrounded by the talent that Hall or Ross was last
season, but was respected by opposing coaches even more. Revis claims
to have only been thrown at 15 times last season, with two picks and
only one mistake (a touchdown-saving pass interference call). A smart
player who not only has the requisite size (6'0?, 200 lbs.), smarts and
speed (4.38 40 at Pittsburgh’s pro day) to be a shutdown NFL corner,
but also the swagger. You know, that Deion Sanders-Champ Bailey “don’t
even think about throwing at me” attitude.
Revis also returns punts — well. That’s all I need to say, the video
below will say the rest. And since Dante Hall has seemingly lost his
touch, it might be nice to have another potent return specialist on the
roster. Just in case we decide to let Hall walk.
We have become truly infatuated with Revis here at
ArrowheadAddict.com. Hopefully, the Chiefs will be lucky, and smart,
enough to draft him later this month.
I woke up this morning like I usually do. Still half-asleep, I threw my cranky #### in the shower. Then I grabbed a bite to eat and started guzzling coffee like a Hummer does gasoline as I sifted through my morning sports news via the Internet. Typically, I do this without flinching. T.O. strained his tongue and will miss the preseason opener. Big surprise. Al Harrington still hasn’t gotten traded to my Pacers. Oh well. Men’s synchronized swim team banned. Big deal. 67 more athletes busted for performance enhancing drugs. What a surprise.
Then I saw something that really had me shook. Carmelo Anthony hurt his knee. A huge, gigantic, die-hard NBA fan and avid Team USA supporter, I didn’t even care that my boys barely pulled out an exhibition win over Captain Barbosa, Sideshow Bob, and Brazil. I was too caught up in what had happened to Melo.
Now? After all he’s been through? Why? Why?
After all, this is the guy who has seemed to just recently put all of his troubles behind him. This is the guy who legendary Head Coach Mike Krzyzewski, the coach of Team USA, has fallen in love with over the course of the last few weeks. This is the guy who has indeed been “on a mission,” outplaying even LeBron James and Dwyane Wade since joining Team USA. This is the guy that looks like he could score 30 a game next year, elevating his Denver Nuggets to contender status and himself to MVP-candidate status. This is the guy that can complete the NBA’s new Holy Trinity of King James, D-Wade, and Melo, this century’s answer to Magic, Michael, and Bird. This is the guy, with his charming smile and unstoppable offensive repertoire, that was becoming something truly special.
In today’s NBA, you can’t spell Holy Trinity without “Melo."
A lot of people have criticized Melo, and fairly so. He’s had some problems, both on and off the hardwood. However, he has handled superstardom at a young age extremely well. Maybe not as well as LeBron, but who has? Melo is a winner. Carrying the Syracuse Orangeman to a NCAA National Title as a college freshman proves that. If that’s not enough, legendary basketball icons Coach K, Michael Jordan, and Jim Boeheim all fervently vouch for the kid. That’s good enough for me. Plus, I like his style. He’s gotta be the coolest cat to slash and rain jumpers since Walt “Clyde” Frazier.
Early reports are claiming that Melo’s injury, sustained in a collision with Coach K, is merely a hyperextension. I’m hoping that those reports remain accurate. I would hate for arguably my favorite non-Pacer to be doing post-blowout rehab when the NBA kicks off right around Halloween. Especially when I’ve already gone out on a limb and predicted Melo to lead Team USA to a gold medal in this month’s World Championships, and then lead George Karl, K-Mart, Bonzi Wells (it could happen, folks), and the rest of the Denver Headcases to 55-plus wins on his way to earning MVP consideration.
I would be sad if I was wrong. I would be infinitely sad Billy Corgan-style if Carmelo Anthony, undoubtedly one of the league's brightest stars, fell from the NBA's sky because of this injury.
AbsoluteBestNews: Fresh Views on Sports, Entertainment, & News
"If you can't get your foot in the door, make your own 'effin door" – Adam Best
Opportunity knocked, and as a result of how these 10 (5 more than I promised!) FoxSports.com regular bloggers stepped up and capitalized, they are coming through the “‘effin door” called AbsoluteBestNews.com with me. Wish them well, as these are your own (in no particular order)…
Burton (who made the FoxSports.com Next Great Sportswriter II Final Four) has long been a favorite of mine. In fact, I thought that his take on the possibility of an A.I. trade—quite the popular subject nowadays—was as good, if not better, than any other writer’s anywhere. Only Rocky Balboa rivals his passion for all things Philly, but Burton covers much more than just the City of Brotherly Love. His incendiary coverage of the NBA and NFL never disappoints. Considering how much we like those leagues over here at AbsoluteBestNews.com, Burton will more than fit in.
“Tastes great… Less-filling,” remember that old slogan? Not only does Cox’s (a Next Great Sportswriter I Finalist) commentary taste great, but he also has great taste. Whether he is highlighting the work of other talented writers or covering unusual topics in his posts, he simply knows how to pick ‘em. Fortunately, he mixes vast sports knowledge, pop culture prowess, and smooth journalistic style smoothly, so his writing is “less-filling” as well. Cox’s many talents will be utilized at AbsoluteBestNews.com.
Point blank—Siddhartha is the best NASCAR writer of the bunch. Quite frankly, I don’t think that any other NASCAR blogger here on FoxSports.com is even in the same league. Sidd also impressed me with his ability to cover music and various other categories, and will play numerous roles over at AbsoluteBestNews.com. His slightly off-topic Oak Island post he submitted showed me that he’ll be De Niro-esque when it comes to playing those different roles.
Wholf (a Next Great Sportswriter II finalist) describes herself as “part Carrie Bradshaw and part Lee Corso.” Well, Corso never looked this good while doing his thing. This “Jill of all Trades” is not only a sportswriter, but also a successful stage actress and reality TV personality. Her social commentary on both sports and society is both entertaining and informative. New York may have had Bradshaw, but this L.A.-based site now has its answer—Tracy Wholf.
Meadows was recently proven to be the most popular blogger on FoxSports.com. He deals with relevant material, speaks for the people, and is insanely productive. And he does it with a certain swagger that is requisite for all of the good ones. I compare Meadows’ writing to Shaq. You know he’s going to give you a big game each and every night, speak his mind, and leave you with a couple of gem quotes to chuckle over. Meadows will be the Rick Reilly of AbsoluteBestNews.com, breaking down the most prominent stories in sports early, often, and effectively.
Krinkos’ stuff cracks me up every time I stop by his blog. His style is just so damn readable and enjoyable that there was no way I could have left him off of this list. Speaking of lists, Krinkos seems to have that format mastered. Apparently I am not the only one that enjoys his blog posts and lists, as he has recently been FoxSports.com’s Blog of the Day several times. Like every other writer on this list, Krinkos also has impressive range.
Deeley is easily one of the most-respected writers in the FoxSports.com community, but also possibly the most-versatile. His professional style and on-point observations really caught my eye, but in the end it was his hockey writing, arguably the best on FoxSports.com’s blog community, that set him apart from the field. Additionally, the fact that he is a talented radio personality makes him a more-than-welcome addition to the AbsoluteBestNews.com team.
Rivera (a Next Great Sportswriter II Finalist) is a talented writer and the consummate professional. I compare him to Scottie Pippen, as he seems to do absolutely everything well, yet other than his NGS selection, he doesn’t get the credit he is due. I came away impressed by his submissions, and even more impressed by his attitude and willingness to do whatever it takes to help AbsoluteBestNews.com succeed. Rivera possesses the exact combination of talent and teamwork that we were looking for and we expect him to excel as a Featured Contributor over on our site.
Is Wilkinson eighteen? Nope. Did Rolling Stone magazine snub a young Cameron Crowe because he didn’t have to shave daily? No. Wilkinson may not have been old enough for FoxSports when the judges selected him for NGS II, but over at AbsoluteBestNews.com I have a little saying, “what matters isn’t your age, it’s what you can put on the page.” After all, we’re judging writing, not wine. Plain and simple—the kid can write. Already a featured writer for sites such as RealGM.com, the future is bright for Wilkinson. I’m glad he’s onboard, and look forward to letting him, “write, Forrest, write.”
Like his beloved Steelers, this PA sports nut turned blogger extraordinaire lays it all on the line every time he steps up to the keyboard. Gallo’s passion-filled anecdotes, lists, and columns are always distinctly “Eddie.” His stories about Pap, the Hummer, and his Weekly Truth Series just stood out when considered against the rest of the field. It didn’t take me long to figure out that I wanted him to be an important ingredient in the original AbsoluteBestNews.com recipe.
That being said, thanks to everyone that submitted and the glowing support this project has received from this community. I was flabbergasted by nearly every submittal, but when it came down to it, these 10 were perfect matches at this point and time for what I am trying to accomplish at AbsoluteBestNews.com. I really feel that these fellas, and a certain talented lady, are ready to start crafting some of the best material on the web today. Who knows, after this turnout I might even be back for OKWC II.
Anyway, it’s time for me to put on my chef’s hat and start cooking up those ingredients I talked about. Expect a site launch from us sometime in August!
Thanks Again,
Adam Best
AbsoluteBestNews.com
Editor-In-Chief/Lead Writer
absolutebestfilms@gmail.com
No. I’m not promoting the cheesy Dana Carvy movie of the same name. I’m inviting every member of the FoxSports.com blogging community to take advantage of a unique opportunity. You see, I love this site and think that it is possibly the best blogging community on the web. I will continue to post here and promote the site as just that and send people its way. And I thank and applaud Fox for having such a space when ESPN and other competitors refuse to allow their readers to have this kind of outlet. However, there is too much talent getting wasted over here. Sure, you have a small fan base of readers and are respected by quite a few people, but what else?
Not much.
Other than one person winning the NGS every half-year, who else profits from this site? Honestly—nobody. Sure, the community is fun, but for many of us this is about so much more than simply being fun.
That is why I, along with a business associate of mine, am launching a live sports (NBA, NFL, MLB, Soccer/MLS, NHL, NCAA, NASCAR, GOLF, UFC, potentially everything!), entertainment, and news supersite—AbsoluteBestNews.com. Columns, blogs, news, podcasts, etc… this site will have it all.
Where do you come in? I am looking for featured contributors, writers featured by the site that would contribute a weekly column and potentially be involved in podcasts. The column could have almost any format, I just want talented, creative, writers with fresh voices. Your name, picture, bio, and material would be featured on a site that we expect to receive big-time traffic. This would be fantastic exposure. I also would let all featured contributors completely control their own material. Initially this will not be a paid gig, but that could definitely change in the not-so-distant future. The main thing is the exposure. Instead of people going to Fox and stumbling across your blog (which is probably 1 out of 1,000) every once in a while you would be one of ten to fifteen featured writers on one of the hottest new sites on the web. You'd be one of the original writers whose talent and rep helped build the site from the ground up. I would also link to your website or page if you have one already.
Here’s the deal: I want to take a minimum of 5 writers from this site, and everyone gets a fair shot. If we think 20 writers are worthy, 20 will be selected.
How do you audition for the Opportunity Knocks Writing Contest?
Simply send your best sample of writing, either brand new or older, to absolutebestfilms@gmail.com along with why you think you’d be a great addition as a featured writer. I’ll be announcing at least 5 winners a week from today and will include a slice of writing that shows why each writer was selected.
Hopefully, there will be a decent turnout and a select group of us can start making things happen. Only 1 writer wins NGS, but at least 5 writers will win the OKWC. Looking forward to hearing from you guys!!
Two cannonballs were dropped on us last weekend (well, three if you count the World Cup and Zizou’s bizarre Ron Artest impersonation):
The record-breaking film Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest and the news that LeBron James had finally decided to re-up with the Cleveland Cavaliers.
You Don’t Know Jack
The blockbuster bombshell Dead Man’s Chest reminded that while there is still so much wrong with Hollywood, there is also so much that’s right. The mega-budget Pirate flick pillaged box offices while captivating fans coast to coast. Disney’s flagship film series cruised past Spider-Man’s 2002 opening-weekend box office record of $114.8 million by plundering moviegoers for a treasure of $135.6 Million.
J-Lo ain’t got nothin’ on that booty.
Not since Harrison Ford was cracking a whip and kicking it with Short Round have we seen a swashbuckling trilogy as prolific as the Pirates of the Caribbean series. As a result, the film industry is back with a vengeance. Last weekend American box offices took in a record $217 million. The previous record was $188 million. On the heels of Dead Man’s Chest, original material is once again fashionable and perhaps, just perhaps, big-wig studio execs will once again match the courage displayed by the series’ most beloved buccaneer…
Captain Jack Sparrow, aka America’s favorite rebel Johnny Depp.
Depp is currently the runaway winner in terms of Hollywood popularity.
Depp’s turn as Sparrow has him sitting in the Crow’s Nest of Hollywood’s A-List. Depp is suddenly bigger than Denzel, Bragelina, Julia, or either of the Toms. He has commandeered this takeover his way, blazing his own path by steering clear of the tabloid headlines and towards a series of quirky, captivating roles. Like Sparrow, we sometimes question his methods, but there is no second guessing Depp’s talent or results. He was paid $20 million-plus for Dead Man’s chest, and who knows what kind of loot he’ll command from here on out.
What other actor could sport mascara and dangly earrings and still remain dashing?
Only Depp—the shrewd performer and businessman whose bravado and foresight are navigating the film industry into uncharted waters—is cool enough pull that off.
The NBA's Captain Cool
That kind of cool reminds me of another swashbuckling star—Hardwood Cavalier LeBron James.
Turning a trilogy that draws on an ancient theme park ride and burnout rocker Keith Richards as inspirations into the biggest film franchise in America is downright crazy. Turning the perennial cellar dweller Cleveland Cavs into one of the NBA’s most popular teams and a championship contender, well, that’s almost incomprehensible. But that’s just what LeBron James has done.
Like Depp, LeBron wants to blaze his own path. He wants to win championships and navigate the NBA into uncharted waters. And he wants to do it in Cleveland.
Forget the buzz about LeBron signing a deal that allows him to opt out of his contract four years from now and become an unrestricted free agent. That doesn’t mean he’s trying to sneak his way into a Knicks or Lakers jersey and get his Nike payday. It means he’s keeping Cavs Owner Dan Gilbert, GM Danny Ferry, and the rest of the front office in check. LeBron’s ensuring that if the Cavs don’t get serious about winning a title, come the summer of 2011 he’ll sail away from the Mistake on the Lake for good.
He also knows that by 2011 the NBA’s popularity will be at an all-time high and a new collective bargaining agreement will be in place. Who knows what kind of loot LeBron will be able to command at that point. ESPN hypeman Stephen A. Smith claims he’ll be able to sign a contract “in excess of $150 million” that summer. Add those dollars to his new $50 million contract and his endorsement money, and this deal just makes sense.
LeBron a swashbuckler? Peep the sword in the Cavs' logo.
For those who don’t think LeBron is sitting in the NBA’s Crow Nest , I beg to differ. The Dwyane Wade argument is a strong one, but ultimately one that sinks.
Yes, Wade is the first player from the stellar NBA Draft Class of 2003 to win a championship. However, judging LeBron on that criteria isn’t exactly fair. Only 21 years old, LeBron is three years younger than Wade. Wade’s Miami Heat were also in better shape than LeBron’s Cavs when both players arrived on the NBA scene. Last year was Wade’s third NBA Playoff appearance. Due to no fault of his own, last season was LeBron’s first postseason voyage. LeBron also doesn’t have Riles plotting the course or the Big Whatever-He-Wants-to-Call-Himself as his First Mate.
LeBron is also more popular and more marketable than Wade or any other NBA star. He’s the biggest sword on the biggest sports-endorsement ship—Nike. Tiger Woods, Tiger Schmoods, I’m rolling with LBJ. Meanwhile, Wade is sporting Converse and sharing commercials with the likes of Jennie Finch. The only time LeBron shares the commercial spotlight is when he clones himself.
LeBron makes more money (after endorsements), is more popular, and puts up better numbers than any player in the league, and at this point in his career he has progressed more than any other 21-year-old player in NBA history. Given the circumstances, I have to tell it like it is…
King James definitely rules the seas of the NBA and will for a long time to come.
X Marks the Spot
What treasures will America’s two favorite action heroes find before their careers become folklore? I’m guessing at least two more Pirates of the Caribbean movies, at least two NBA Championships, two NBA MVP awards, two Best Actor Oscars, and enough money to buy the Cavs twice over.
If you aren’t yet onboard as a fan of these two swashbucklers, get onboard you scurvy animals. I for one would rather walk the plank than miss what Depp and LeBron have in store for us. Ahoy mates!
Because they never know who in the world they're gonna beat
For that lean, mean, mean green
Almighty dollar, money…
- From For The Love of Money by the O’Jays
Cash Rules Everything Around Me
It's funny that I just heard that song at the grocery store, because all last week I had money on the brain.
I picked up a second job (or third, really), to pull in some extra “mean green.” After all, it’s L.A.C. out here, an acronym that not only stands for “Los Angeles, California,” but also for “Livin’ Ain’t Cheap.” Gas is currently 3 bucks and 30 cents a gallon and up here in the City of Angels.
I tried to move my mobile phone service career from Sprint to the nifty new ESPN Mobile service. I changed my mind when I learned that the move alone would have cost me in excess of $400. The funny thing is that the phone would have been “free.”
I went to see Superman Returns, a $200 million movie partially based around Mr. Clean’s evil twin Lex Luthor’s lust for wealth. The super-hero flick has raked in a cool $84 million in its first five days.
Kevin Spacey holding a sliver of deadly "K####rypt-to-nite!"
I witnessed my beloved Indiana Pacers lose recently acquired star forward Peja Stojakovic to the New Orleans Hornets hours after the NBA’s free agency negotiating period begun. It was just weeks ago that Peja’s agent said that his client “would like to finish his career as a Pacer." I guess the Hornets’ absurd 5-year, $64 million contract offer changed his mind.
Method Man said it best; Cash indeed does “rule everything around me.”
Killing Like Kryptonite
In the Superman series, Kryptonite is a green element lethal to Superman. Much like Kryptonite, money is the green element that can be lethal for both sports and the film industry.
You see, it isn’t the ESPN Mobile debacle, gas prices, or even the cost of living that has me outraged. I came to the conclusion long ago that the world does indeed revolve around money. It’s money’s influence of my two other favorite worlds, sports and the film industry, that’s put my boxers in a bunch.
The Stojakovic example was just the latest example of exemplary greed. I wasn’t pissed because he isn’t coming back to the Pacers. Honestly, he’s vastly overrated. I’m pissed that it only took him one hour to decide that money was more important than loyalty or success. It’s been going on for quite some time, and I’m sick of it.
The NBA is a financial train wreck. In last week’s NBA Draft the Seattle Sonics flushed a top ten pick down the toilet by selecting no-namer Mouhamed Saer Sene and the Phoenix Suns simply donated away two quality late first-round picks. Both moves were cost-cutting procedures. On the flip side, The Denver Nuggets just signed 23-year-old Brazilian forward Nene to a deal worth $60 million. Nene is coming off a season-ending knee injury and his career-high season averages are 11.8 points and 6.5 rebounds per game. Sounds like a $60-million investment to me.
The NBA isn’t the only sports league dominated by moolah. In MLB New York Yankees Owner George Steinbrenner has amassed a 2006 player payroll of $198.7 million. Meanwhile, David Glass, the wicked man that owns my Kansas City Royals, is cheaper than Wal-Mart, the company he used to run.
Dough has the NFL by the gonads, too. The owners of the Atlanta Falcons, Dallas Cowboys, and Washington Redskins annually shell out crazy cake in pursuit of the Super Bowl. Meanwhile, my Kansas City Chiefs, er, “Cheaps,” have a spendthrift owner in Lamar Hunt. Hunt only does enough to put a playoff contender out on the field. In Kansas City, where BBQ and football are king, that fills the seats. But the Chiefs haven’t won a playoff game in an eternity. Sign CB Ty Law already. The Chiefs have been a cash cow and the fans are dying for a playoff run.
Meanwhile, the film industry has been corrupted by cash perhaps even more than sports.
How else can you define an industry in which it is easier to get CHiPs starring Wilmer Valderrama greenlit than Best Picture Crash?
Yo Momma is the only one who thinks you can act.
Hollywood is safe. Yes, great films are still being made, but only sparsely. It’s hard to make art when everything is based on projections and formulas. Hell, this is the industry that is giving us yet another Rocky movie instead of a biopic of Joe Lewis or Rocky Marciano. Do I really want to see a punch-drunk 60-year-old Sly Stallone don the gloves one more time? But Rocky 6 is guaranteed to make bank, so it gets shot, chopped, scored, and shoved down our throats.
I’m just sick of everything revolving around money.
Auteur Orson Welles didn’t compose his masterpiece Citizen Kane because of cash considerations.
Hall of Fame Running Back Jim Brown didn’t punish defenders aplenty for the purse.
The Man of Steel didn't slip on his suit because of a super-sized Metropolis salary.
They did it for the love of the game.
I guess I just long for a return to those days and still have that “love of the game.” For both sports and film. Sometimes I wonder—“does anyone else?”
The 2006 season of Dallas was cancelled Tuesday night in favor of Miami Vice, er, Miami Heat. If Mark Cuban is the Mavericks answer to J.R. Ewing, then the question of the day is definitely:
Who Shot J.R.?
The Candidates
* David Stern
* Dwyane Wade
* Shaquille O’Neal
* Josh Howard
* Dirk Nowitzki
* The Referees
* Pat Riley
* Avery Johnson
* Jerry Stackhouse
* The Heat Role Players
* Mark Cuban
Just who was it that ultimately shot down "J.R." Cuban and his NBA Championship aspirations?
During the 1980s, many memorable shows dominated the TV airwaves.
Cheers. Dynasty. The A-Team. Dallas. Family Ties. L.A. Law. The Cosby Show. Miami Vice. Roseanne. Hill Street Blues.
Only two of those classic TV shows will receive blockbuster big-screen adaptations in the next year-and-a-half—Dallas and Miami Vice.
While both remakes are expected to be major box office hits, Miami Vice will likely end up becoming the bigger success story.
Miami Vice has Jamie Foxx, perhaps the hottest young movie star in America. Vice has Michael Mann, the award-winning Writer/Director. Vice has Colin Farrell, and while his acting isn’t always De Niro-esque, the Irishman is Hollywood’s latest Fonz. Finally, Vice has the bright lights and beautiful people of South Beach.
Dallas has Luke Wilson, whose career is just “Luke” warm compared to Foxx’s sizzle. Dallas has Gurinder Chadha, who, since you haven’t heard of her, directed Bend It Like Beckham. Dallas has John Travolta, who also is no De Niro, and unlike Farrell, hasn’t achieved Fonzie status since the late 70’s. Finally, Dallas’ homely backdrop can’t compare to the glamour and glitz of Vice’s location
Kinda reminds me of the NBA Finals.
The Miami Heat have Dwyane Wade, one of the best players in the NBA and People Magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People.” The Heat have Pat Riley, the championship-winning Head Coach. The Heat have Shaquille O’Neal, and while he definitely won’t be mistaken for De Niro, the Big Malapropism is still the NBA’s Fonz. And yes, the Heat have the bright lights and beautiful people of South Beach.
Shaq’s pretty cool, but this cool?
The Dallas Mavericks best player, Dirk Nowitzki, is a lanky German that resembles Scooby-Doo’s Shaggy. The Mavericks Head Coach, Avery Johnson, sounds like he just inhaled a balloon-full of helium. The Mavericks Owner, Mark Cuban, is an ex-computer geek so uncool he makes Technology Kip look Fonz-like. And once again, Dallas’ backdrop ain’t got jack on Miami’s.
Based on marketability, that’s an easy pick. Right?
That’s just the thing—you don’t pick in sports. Ever hear the expressions “let ‘em play” or “may the best man win?” Sure, they are trite, but they are also true. The reason we fell in love with sports in the first place is because sometimes History writes better storylines than we could ever conceive ourselves. I say let History pick up the quills and do its thing.
Unfortunately, NBA Commissioner David Stern doesn’t agree.
Not only has Stern and his regime favored the Heat during these NBA Finals because of the abovementioned reasons, but also because of his disdain for Cuban. Let’s just say that Cuban and Stern have had some tiffs in the past, usually over the policies of the league and the performance of its officials.
As a result of both the appeal of the Miami Heat and his hatred of Cuban, Stern seems hell-bent on making O’Neal and Wade Miami’s most popular duo since Vice’s Sonny Crockett and Rico Tubbs.
Since I’ve made the accusations, here is the evidence…
In Game 4, Mavs G Jerry Stackhouse impeded what would have been an easy Shaq dunk with what used to be a "good, clean, hard foul." In fact, even the refs officiating the game didn’t believe that the foul was excessive. They only issued Stackhouse a Flagrant One foul. I think Wade’s knee-jerk reaction to mediate a potential fight made the foul look more severe than it actually was.
Stackhouse is a well-respected player that has been accused of being “soft,” but never, ever of being a bully. He simply wanted to keep Shaq, a horrendous free-throw shooter, from getting two easy points. That is no easy task. Stackhouse had no idea how hard he would have to contact Shaq in order to prevent an easy flush, so he went for the ball hard, getting a lot of body in the process. And when a 340 lb man hits the ground after running at full speed, it will always look bad.
Stackhouse’s one-game suspension is a joke. Sacramento Kings F Ron Artest, the NBA’s version of Mike Tyson, received a one-gamer for maliciously going after Manu Ginobli in a blowout. Heat F Udonis Haslem received a one-gamer for chucking his mouthpiece at a ref. Mavs G Jason Terry and Nuggets F Reggie Evans both received one-gamers for trying to rearrange their opponents man-atomy.
And Stack gets a one-game vacation for what used to be a “good, clean, hard foul?” This is simple—Stern saw his chance to aid the Heat in this series and pounced. Call me clinically insane, but I really believe that Stackhouse, possibly the NBA’s best sub, would have made a difference in the Mavs’ Game 5 101-100 OT loss to the Heat.
Dwyane’s World
Game 5 free-throw attempts: Dwayne Wade 25, Dallas Mavericks 24.
Now I understand team’s getting a call here and there at home, but this is getting re-freakin’-diculous. Wade is a damn good player, arguably as good as any in the league today. But all of a sudden the third-year marvel is getting treatment that I’m not even sure M.J. used to get back in the day. The most free throws that his Airness ever attempted during his prolific 15-year career was 27. The numbers just don’t add up.
To make matters worse, the refs handed Wade the game-winning points on a silver platter. First, it looked like there was a backcourt violation when he caught the inbounds pass with 9.1 seconds left in overtime. Second, even though he drew a foul on his drive to the hoop with 1.9 seconds remaining, it appeared that he was the one who was out of control. Wade even knocked Jason Terry down to the floor.
Nonetheless, despite both the apparent backcourt violation and the phantom foul, Wade was awarded two free throws. He calmly stepped up and knocked down both shots, giving the Heat the 101-100 victory.
Out Of Time?
The NBA and Game 5 refs Joey Crawford and Joe DeRosa stand by the claim that Mavs F Josh Howard boneheadedly burned the Mavs final timeout in-between Wade’s decisive free throws. Crawford says that Howard was looking right at DeRosa when he signaled “timeout.”
That is complete B.S.
Howard has vehemently denied this claim, saying that he “was looking straight at Coach" when he made the signal. I watched the entire game. It was obvious to me that Howard was communicating with Johnson over when to call the Mavs’ final timeout. I understand that Howard has to be more alert during late-game situations, but the refs also have to allow players to communicate with their coaches.
The refs jumped all over the Mavs communication breakdown. Although they won’t admit it, it was a subtle way to ensure Stern’s Game 5 objective—another Heat victory.
With two home games still remaining on the TV Guide, the Mavs still have a remote chance to foil Stern’s master programming. The Mavs could do that by winning both games, wrapping up the NBA Finals with a shocking season finale—The Dallas Mavericks first NBA Championship.
It’s inevitable—the 2006 season of Dallas will end tragically.
But from where I am sitting, with my TV Dinner, it certainly looks like Stern will make sure that the NBA Finals have an ending that is more faithful to the two original shows. With Wade and Shaq, Vice’s new uber-cool duo, on top, and Dallas’ new J.R. Ewing, Cuban, shot down.
If that happens, instead of all these “Nowitzness” t-shirts, we’ll start seeing some “Stern Shot J.R” ones.
Pronunciation: k&n-'spir-&-sE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -cies
Etymology: Middle English conspiracie, from Latin conspirare
1 : the act of conspiring together
2 a : an agreement among conspirators b : a group of conspirators
synonym see PLOT
Commissioner David Stern and his goons are at it again. Today they suspended Dallas Mavericks G and super sub Jerry Stackhouse one game for a foul on Miami Heat C Shaquille O’Neal committed during yesterday’s Game 4 of the NBA Finals.
Mavs Owner Mark Cuban will have a field day with this.
As an unbiased spectator (I'm a huge Indiana Pacers fan, as many of you know), this is bulls@#$! Unbelievable. Reminds me of when ex-Pacers G Jalen Rose stepped on the court from the bench with one foot only during an altercation that happened in the 1998 Eastern Conference Finals. That got Rose a one-game suspension, a move that protected Stern's precious Chicago Jordans, er, I mean, Bulls.
This is an obvious attempt to aid Dwyane Wade in his quest, or Stern's quest, for Wade to become the NBA's next marketing extravaganza.
Sorry, Mr. Cuban. What can I say—Dwayne sells.
Jerry Stackhouse weighs 215 lbs. soaking wet. How else would you expect him to foul Shaq, a 400 lb. behemoth, charging to the rim like a rhino? By Shaq's own admission, the foul wasn't even that hard. Stackhouse is so valuable to the Mavs. I can't believe this. Actually, I can. We are dealing with Stern and Stu Jackson. They might as well just hand the Larry O'Brien Trophy to the Miami Heat.
Adam: Last Sunday my girlfriend was watching E!’s Stranded With A Star. At first, I thought it was a rather stupid concept, but I decided to give it a shot anyway. 10 minutes later I was hooked. That’s when I decided to call upon some of FOXSports.com's Blog Community’s finest to be panelists and help me bring Stranded With A Star: Sports Edition to the Internet. Like the show, both my panelists and I will vote and select a star from each match-up.
Here’s the concept: You are stranded on an island and can only pick one star from each match-up to be stranded with. If the match-up is your same sex, step into the shoes of the opposite sex as well while making your decision. This star could serve as a friend or a lover or a partner or even as an enemy… the proverbial ball is truly in your court.
The List
1. Hottest Female Athlete: Indy Driver Danica Patrick or Softball Superstar Jennie Finch?
Adam: Patrick… I’m a brunette man. Besides, I also have a feeling that Danica will be much more useful on the island. Plus, after seeing that Gatorade commercial, I’ve decided that Jennie’s head is just too damn big.
Norcalfella: Finch… Danica would spend all her time trying to make a car, which isn’t all that important on a one-square-mile island. No thanks; I’ll dial 867-5309 on my Survivor Shane imaginary BlackBerry. Imagine Finch hurling coconuts at wild animals. Perfect hunter.
Ty: Finch…. Nothing wards off potentially dangerous ####, alligators, and other critters like a 100 mph coconut to the head.
Our Pick: Blondes have more fun… Jennie Finch 3-2
2. Golden Boy Showdown: 3-Time Champ Tom Brady or Heisman Winner Matt Leinart?
Adam: Leinart… Simply because even Paris is less annoying than those five hogs that are always attached to Brady’s hip. Plus, we could try to sell his Heisman Trophy to some pirates for a lift.
Belle: Brady… Oh God, I have to choose? Since I’m still bitter about Matt’s latest “romp,” I’ll take Brady over Leinart simply because Brady has taste and dates real models versus wannabes and reality stars like Paris Hilton and Kristin Cavalleri.
Bluto: Leinart… As a Buffalo guy, I would prefer to be tied down and forced to watch Tara Reid in Urban Legend 1,000 consecutive times than to be on the same island with Tom Brady. I pick Matt and hope he hooks me up with Paris’ sister Nicky whenever we get back.
Our Pick: Trojan Man… Matt Leinart 3-2
3. Sexiest Tennis Sister: Short and stacked Serena or vertically-blessed Venus Williams?
Adam: Venus… She seems more ladylike and, unlike Serena, she probably couldn’t kick my ####.
Belle: Neither… ugh… neither… can we say “Amazon?” Both are too intense for my taste. Having physically bumped into one in NYC, let’s just say, "I was scared!"
Norcalfella: Serena… Has to be Serena, another man on the island would be helpful around camp.
Our Pick: Two sisters for the price of one… Tie 2-2-0
4. The “Air” Apparent: Kobe “Mamba” Bryant or LeBron “King” James or Dwyane “Flash” Wade?
Adam: Kobe… Anyone who can score 81 points in today’s NBA would find a way to get us off that rock. Hopefully, there wouldn’t be a trial when we returned.
Belle: Wade… Wow… I used to think I knew the answer to this, but after watching the Heat play in the Playoffs, Wade’s stock is rising. If I went off something purely superficial, say, looks—there is something damn sexy about Wade that reminds me of Jordan.
Bluto: LeBron… Can we include Shawn Kemp in this group? If one chick happens to find her away around he can populate the entire island. If not I’ll go with LeBron. He carried the entire Cavs on his back. Surely he can carry me around if I grow weary.
Ty: None of the above… Dwight Howard. Metal from his orthodontic retainer could be melted and molded into a trap for catching small game and large fish.
Our Pick: Flash to the rescue… Dwyane Wade 2-1-1-0
5. Hottest Ex-Sports Wife: Ex-Mrs. Justice Halle Berry or Ex-Mrs. Fox Vanessa Williams?
Bluto: Vanessa… I’m an old school cat. Back in 1984 when I was in seventh grade, Penthouse became my first nudy magazine purchase (Well sorta, someone bought it for me). Not coincidentally, Vanessa was on the cover. I’ve been obsessed ever since.
Norcalfella: Vanessa…. Watching Halle get nasty with Billy Bob destroyed the fantasy. Vanessa moving from Laker player to Laker fan might be a massive downgrade, but after months of being stranded I think I could woo her into some island love.
Ty: Halle… Could potentially do that crazy telekinetic trick from X-Men and turn a scary experience into a nice little Saturday.
Our Pick: Eraser Girl upsetting Catwoman… Vanessa Williams 3-2
6. Best Friends: Likely Finals MVP Dirk Nowitzki or Back-to-Back MVP Steve Nash?
Adam: Dirk… I’m German, he’s German. If we found any beer (preferably Beck’s or Warsteiner) we’d be set. Besides, Nash’s nasty finger licking habit would get old. I’d want to slap the dude.
Belle: Dirk… Because Germany is an awesome place to party and I can just imagine hitting up ‘Tanz-Palast’ in Düsseldorf and throwing back a few Vodka-Red Bulls and dancing like idiots until 6AM and grabbing donner kebab on the way home before crashing at sunrise.
Norcalfella: Nash... If there are any primates on the island I envision him organizing them into a basketball team for some instant entertainment.
Our Pick: Just like his hero Hasselhoff on Baywatch… Dirk Nowitzki 3-2
7. Soccer’s Biggest Star: "The Phenomenon" Ronaldo or Bad Boy David Beckham?
Adam: Beckham… After Brazil President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva called Ronaldo fat, I’m rolling with Posh ####e’s man. I never thought that I’d say that, but I don’t want Ronaldo sitting on his #### and eating up all of my grub.
Bluto: Ronaldo… Here’s what I know about soccer: A bunch of friends and I get drunk and my one buddy starts talking about soccer and what a good goalie he was. Collectively we try to assure him soccer isn’t a sport unless you live in Argentina. One thing leads to another, and we’re in the backyard booting soccer balls at him against an imaginary net (garage). I just flipped a coin.
Ty: Beckham… His mere absence from the English soccer scene would undoubtedly trigger a media frenzy that would unleash the world's biggest manhunt and pave the way for my eventual return back to the civilized world.
Our Pick: Bend it with Beckham… David Beckham 4-1
8. From Russia With Love: Model/Ex-Tennis Pro Anna Kournikova or Tennis Pro/Model Maria Sharapova?
Adam: Anna… She had me at the Marilyn Monroe shot. Sure, maybe Maria is the better player, but what does that have to do with being stranded on an island?
Bluto: Maria… A former girlfriend bought me an Enrique Iglesias CD. I recently burned it. I’m not too fond of Sergei Fedorov. Didn’t Anna use up Pavel Bure too? Way too much baggage for my liking. In my fantasy world, every chick is saving herself for me.
Norcalfella: Anna… Because in the unlikely event we are able to fashion a tennis court I would want to win.
Our Pick: Substance over style… Maria Sharapova 3-2
9. Laker Fans Double Feature: Jack Nicholson or Leonardo DiCaprio; Salma Hayek or Gwen Stefani?
Adam: Leo & Gwen… Jack’s too old to contribute and Leo proved his resourcefulness in Catch Me If You Can and his toughness in Gangs of New York. As for the ladies, I’ll roll with Leo’s The Aviator co-star (if you can even call it that) Gwen. I like Salma, but Gwen’s style puts her over the top.
Belle: Jack & Gwen… Fine conversation should always be accompanied with good music.
Ty: Jack & Salma… Nicholson's industrial-strength sunglasses could be stolen and used against dangerous UV rays and driving sandstorms, while Hayek.... ahhh... I would pay to be on a deserted island with Hayek. Plus, Leo had his big chance on a deserted island in The Beach, and that didn't work out so well.
Our Picks: No Doubt, this is As Good As It Gets… Jack Nicholson 4-1 & Gwen Stefani 3-2
10. Gridiron Guapos: Tight End Extraordinaire Tony Gonzalez or Sackmaster Jason Taylor?
Adam: Gonzalez… Gonzo’s my boy. He’s a lifelong Chief and might as well be the mayor of my birthplace—Kansas City. How can I go against him? I can’t.
Belle: Taylor… No clue. They both have foundations. They both have awesome six-packs. Maybe Taylor because Miami seems more sexy than Kansas City and an easier place to be a bona fide “ladies man.”
Ty: Taylor… The only choice here that didn't kill my fantasy team the last two seasons. Thanks for nothing, Gonzo.
Our Pick: We’ve gone Gonzo… Tony Gonzalez 3-2
11. Outfield Eye Candy: National Hero Ichiro Suzuki or Hired Gun Johnny Damon?
Adam: Ichiro… Unlike Damon, he doesn’t “act like Judas” or “throw like Mary.” Also, Ichiro could hit a fruit fly with a coffee straw blindfolded. He'd be an awesome hunting wingman.
Bluto: Damon… But only if A-Rod can be there as well. You see, I’m no longer a Yankees fan (go Royals) and I would love to see Damon pass out from the sweltering island heat, which in turn would force A-Rod to give him mouth-to-mouth with his big, bright purple lips.
Norcalfella: Damon… Just to watch the beard grow back.
Ty: Damon… Could regrow his "####" hairstyle and make friends with the native animals of the island, which would be vital to any long-term stay.
12. Lookin' Fine on the Sideline: Jillian Barberie or Lisa Guerrero or Suzy Kolber or Bonnie Bernstein or Rachel Nichols or Pam Oliver or Melissa Stark or any other woman sports reporter you fancy?
Adam: Barberie… Any of these fine women would be a huge upgrade over Wilson the Volleyball, but her brand of meteorology could make any man tune in. How’s this for a forecast: Clear skies, lots of sun, 100% chance of Jillian.
Belle: Guerrero… None of them! Belle of the Ball is positioned to come in and blow the competition away… once someone finally gives her a contract! To be fair, Lisa G. is a mentor of mine and having followed much of her advice, I have to give it to a woman who had the guts to pose for Playboy at age 40. That’s inspiration!
Norcalfella: Bernstein… B squared by far. I admit to leering at her at the Oakland Coliseum on more than one occasion. Plus, when she worked NFL games her preparation was impeccable so we'd talk football incessantly.
Ty: Two words: Erin Andrews. The only sideline reporter who seems like the Cool Chick you knew in college that liked Madden '04 and the edited version of Major League II.
Our Pick: Case of the Mondays… Lisa Guerrero 2-1-1-1
Adam: Well, that’s a wrap. First, I want to thank my panelists for their huge contributions. You all did an excellent job.
Now, I want to hear the rest of your opinions. Go down the list and vote, and feel free to say why you made those decisions. I will do a special post to announce the readers’ choices sometime mid-week. Also, I want to hear what match-ups you would like to see on Stranded With A Star: Sports Edition II. Let me know, because your pick might just make the cut.
Today, I woke up somewhat expecting to see the end of the world as we know it. I expected to see my cat possessed, with glowing green eyes and foam spilling out of his mouth. I expected to see my girlfriend levitating three-feet above our bed. I expected to see that the sky had turned blood red and the sun had gone on permanent vacation. Most of all, I expected to see the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man slogging down the street. Why?
6/6/6
Thankfully, the Apocalypse didn’t happen and my status quo remained intact. When I woke up today, my cat was his normal ornery self, my girlfriend could hardly get out of bed, the not-so-blue L.A. sky was still stained by smog, and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was still stuck in my Ghostbusters DVD. Phew…
Even though the world didn’t come to an end today, most of it did notice the significance of the date.
The film industry recognized this devilish day by releasing a remake of one of the scariest films ever to grace the silver screen—The Omen. In The Omen, a nice couple, the Thorns, discover that their five-year-old son, Damien, is the Anti-Christ. Eventually, the Thorns decide that to prevent the Apocalypse Damien must be killed.
I’m recognizing this devilish day by releasing my list of the six most evil people in sports. Honestly, I wouldn’t be shocked to discover that any of these demons were the Satan of Sports cloaked in human flesh. To prevent the Sportpocalypse, these evildoers must be stopped.
Promoter of Pure Evil Don King
Ill-Famed Boxing Promoter Don King has killed two people (that we know about). He has left the lives of the two most-legendary boxers of all time, Muhammad Ali and Mike Tyson, in shambles. He has ripped off masses, both personally and with pay-per-view TV, leading to at least seven lawsuits. He has befriended infamous mobsters like John Gotti. He also has adamantly supported arguably the worst U.S. President of my lifetime—George W. Bush (Bush’s job approval ratings… LINK). If the aforementioned wrongdoings haven’t convinced you that King belongs in this villainous group, just examine his spiky gray hair. It forms a twisted crown, proof that he might just be the “King” of all things evil in sports. Well into his seventies, King is alive and kicking, filthy-rich, and still more gangsta than Suge Knight.
Defensive-Minded Devil Ron Artest
Over the course of the past few years, Sacramento Kings anarchic All-Star Forward Ron Artest nearly destroyed the Indiana Pacers franchise. His attitude is best defined by the gesture he gave Miami Heat fans several years back—a double-middle finger salute. If the evil inside of him isn’t exorcised soon, he could reverse the NBA’s recent upswing in popularity by his dolo. He has already thrown down with fans once, what would keep him from charging into the stands again? Or—GULP—doing something even worse? If Artest stoops to an all-time low, it will be a sad, sad day. The day snooty, middle-aged NBA haters are proved right on all those nasty things they say about my favorite brand of pro sports.
Artest: “Yes, Chuck. I am the one. I am Damien!
Bronx Beelzebub George Steinbrenner
New York Yankees Owner George Steinbrenner is a menace that threatens the relevance of the other 29 MLB teams. If The Boss could have it his way, he’d just bypass each season by buying World Series Championships for his beloved Yanks. As things stand, Steinbrenner just tries to ensure championships by annually having baseball’s biggest payroll (Which is $198.7 million, a whopping $78.6 million more than the second-highest team!). Championships aren’t the only thing he has tried to buy. In 1974, Steinbrenner was found guilty of making 14 illegal contributions to the re-election campaign of then U.S. President Richard Nixon. In 1990, he was banned from MLB for life by then Commissioner Fay Vincent for trying to blackmail ex-Yankee Dave Winfield so he wouldn’t have to fork over $300,00 to Winfield’s foundation. Unfortunately, he was later pardoned of the first offense and reinstated by MLB. For more on the epitome of sports scum, check out my upcoming article on Steinbrenner and his filthy Yanks—“Summer Blockbuster Series: The Devil Wears Pinstripes.” Regretfully, I have to save some venom for that post.
Agent of the Apocalypse Drew Rosenhaus
If money is indeed the root of all evil, cutthroat Sports Agent Drew Rosenhaus’ malevolence is second to only George Steinbrenner’s in the world of sports. The real-life Bob Sugar is part of the “Miami Mafia”, an infamous crew of University of Miami alums dedicated to dominating the fields of business, politics, and sports by any means necessary. His notorious clients include NFL stars Terrell Owens, Sean Taylor, Warren Sapp, Chad Johnson, and Jeremy Shockey. Not exactly a bunch of choirboys and milk drinkers, are they? With his renegade clients and cold-blooded methods, Rosenhaus has almost single-handedly blackened the NFL’s figurative eye. Yes, he did save that little boy from drowning a few years back in Orlando. However, to me, that was nothing more than Rosenhaus’ deception. It’s like what Verbal Kent said in The Usual Suspects, “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.”
Verbal Kent: "And poof. Just like that, he's gone."
Tightwad Terror David Glass
Kansas City Royals cheapskate Owner David Glass has turned ex-Owner and philanthropist Ewing Kauffman’s once-proud franchise into a running punchline. Don’t let Glass’ lack of celebrity fool you; he is every bit as vile as Steinbrenner. While Steinbrenner is trying to wipe out baseball by creating a monopoly, Glass is taking another route. He could potentially exterminate his Royals with his penny-pinching ways. By caring way more about the bottom line than his team’s on-field success, Glass is endangering everything we love about sports. If every professional sports owner adopted his philosophy, the competitive spirit that fuels the athletes, coaches and fans would be all but extinct? It makes me sick to even entertain that possibility. You know what makes me even sicker? Glass' past with Wal-Mart. Check out this quote from a 1992 Dateline interview, when he was Wal-Mart’s CEO... After being shown photographs of a factory that burned down with children still trapped inside, Glass retorted, "Yeah... there are tragic things that happen all over the world." Glass promptly ended the interview after that exchange. After reading quotes like the previous one, and that the Royals have averaged a disgraceful 97 losses a season since Glass bought the team, I hope his tenure with the Royals ends promptly.
Unrighteous Receiver Terrell Owens
As one of America’s foremost anti-role models, Dallas Cowboys Wide Receiver Terrell Owens is polluting the sports atmosphere every time he opens that gigantic yapper of his. It’s ironic that he’s going to play for Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones, who barely missed this list, and the Cowboys, possibly the most-widely despised franchise in the NFL. You know what, Owens and the Cowboys deserve each other. T.O.’s childish demands all but ruined a Philadelphia Eagles franchise that made the NFC Championship Game four years in a row. Following T.O.’s lead, NFL players are holding out for new contracts left and right. Even worse, kids across the nation are holding out from the choirs, demanding that their allowances be raised. Shame on you, T.O. If Rosenhaus is Lucifer of the Gridiron, then T.O. is his mouthpiece.
Now, right here in my comments section, I want to hear about who you think is the most evil person in sports and why…
As many of you know, FOXSports.com’s judges and users recently broke up with me, affectively ending my run as a Next Great Sportswriter II finalist. The abrupt termination from the contest left me thinking, “What the hell do I do now?” Well, like most of us that get dumped, I’m moving on, hopefully to greener pastures. I still will be posting here, but I also have a new site, http://theabsolutebestblog.blogspot.com/. The new site will include more posts than my FOXSports.com blog and will allow me to really run with my style. Please bookmark the site if you deem it worthy.
After taking several days off, I’ve decided to both continue the weekly Summer Blockbuster Series that I’ve been running and to tackle the second assignment the remaining NGS II finalists were given. In honor of The Break-Up—the film that has given us the tabloid frenzy dubbed “Vaughnifer” —and a long history of overdramatic sports break-ups—Donovan and T.O., Don King and Iron Mike, Kobe and Phil and Shaq, Billy Martin and George Steinbrenner (5 times!), etc…—here are several of the "Absolute Best" sports break-ups of the past year…
For the record, I don’t like Thomas. I think he’s an egocentric punk who only plays hard on one end of the court, and he only does that when he has financial incentives. Don’t agree with me? Then why have four teams already dumped him? That being said, he played exceptionally well this season after joining the Phoenix Suns, following his release by the Bulls. The Bulls weren’t playing him at all. As a Sun, he was one of the top performers of the entire NBA Playoffs. He was dunking with authority, hitting the glass, draining nothing-but-net threes, hell, he even played some D. Without Thomas, the Suns' summer vacation would have started weeks ago. With Thomas, the Suns were two wins shy of a NBA Finals trip.
How does this development make the Bulls feel? Here are a couple of metaphors—one for the ladies, and one for the fellas.
Ladies – Remember back in high school or college, when you blew off that sweet chubby guy that used to stalk you like you were Julia Roberts and he was the paparazzi? Now, imagine the same guy ten years later, only without the excess poundage and as a filthy-rich neurosurgeon. Want him back? Too bad, he has a sleek new girlfriend that’s faster than a “Little Red Corvette.”
Fellas – You are out at the club getting smashed. During a moment of weakness—um, I mean drunkenness—a portly little sea donkey waddles up to you and gives you her number. With your beer goggles strapped on tight, you see some sort of potential and take her digits. You never call her. Not once. About one year later, you are out again at the same club. You see this cute little fox and approach her. When you holler at her, she informs you that she is the same girl you dissed a year earlier, and that she now has a man. Momentarily, her man, who is twice as good-looking as you are, grabs her hand and pulls her away to the dance floor. Game over.
Thomas' latest ex, Bulls Owner Jerry Reinsdorf (who paid Thomas around $15 million for essentially nothing), has to hate watching Thomas shake his #### for the Suns. For Reinsdorf's sake, I hope that Thomas signs a huge contract this summer and then relapses back to his underachieving ways.
CF Johnny Damon/Boston Red Sox
I don’t like Damon much either. Why? Because he broke up with my Kansas City Royals, his first MLB suitor, that's why. I know, I know, the Royals are a notoriously cheap date. Still, that doesn’t mean that I can’t be a little bitter.
As for Damon’s most recent break-up, it was his nastiest yet.
A few years back, the Red Sox added Damon to an already loaded roster. The Red Sox expected the acquisition to evolve into a long-term monogamous relationship. Damon had other plans. He saw it as a use-use relationship. First, he helped the Red Sox finally break the curse and bring home a championship. Then he started sleeping with the enemy. Damon convinced the rival New York Yankees that the Yanks could cripple the Red Sox by signing him to a lucrative contract. It worked; Damon got what he always wanted—moolah and pinstripes. In the aftermath of this backstabbing, it seems that hell hath no fury like a Red Sox fan’s scorn. Check out what I recently read on an anti-Damon Red Sox shirt…
(Below an illustration of a long-haired, bearded Damon)
“Looks like Jesus…
Acts like Judas…
Throws like Mary”
Don’t worry, Red Sox fans. It won’t be long until Damon starts hitting like Mary, prompting the Yankees to act like Judas and ditch him. And Yankees fans, don’t even act like that’s a stretch.
QB Daunte Culpepper/Minnesota Vikings
OK, OK, I think the Vikings did Daunte kind of dirty as well. Here’s the thing—I can also identify with the Vikes on this one.
Picture this scenario: In a year’s time, your significant other’s "performance" level
