That’s right; 2,000 yards For Larry “Johnson &” Johnson (because he leaves the competition shredded and in bandages) is my big prediction for the 2006 NFL season. Yes, I ‘m a Kansas City Chiefs fan. So what? I’m not predicting that my boys will win the Superbowl, I’m predicting that their best player will go completely berserk, rush for 2,000-plus yards, and be named the NFL's Offensive Player of the Year. After all, I’ve watched him more than almost any “analyst” out there, I should now. The guy has this Tupac-“Me Against the World” thing going on. He feels that as a football player he’s been slighted his entire career, and now he’s out to make everyone in his way pay. Seriously, I haven’t seen someone run with the anger he harnesses every Sunday since, well, the last time I watched Earl Campbell or Jim Brown highlights. Check out this 2006 YouTube L.J. primer (Sorry about the expletives, but the NFL is finally here, I’m pumped, and you can always mute the sound.) and then check out the rest of my thoughts and predictions.

(AbsoluteBestNews.com Link to this article featuring L.J. YouTube Footage)

I’m bumping a little old school Ludacris right now. I’m pumped. The Chiefs-Cincinnati Bengals game tomorrow at Arrowhead is huge for me. NFL-wise and Fantasy Football-wise.

NFL-wise, The Chiefs have to win tomorrow. They need to make a statement that the AFC West is theirs to win. Not Denver’s or San Diego’s. I won’t even consider the Raiders with the fatal combination of Art Shell at head coach and Aaron Brooks at quarterback.

Fantasy-wise, Chad “Simon Phoenix” Johnson, along with Steven Jackson, aka L.J.-Lite (trust me on this one), is one of my best players. Is rooting for him a conflict of interest? No. Not when you take fantasy as seriously as I do. Tomorrow I have to win. I’m playing Mikey, the league comedian, who is back after a two-year hiatus. Last year was the first year that my Hollywood A-Trains have ever missed the playoffs and it’s been 3 years since I won my title. The kid’s gonna get Trained. Mark my words. I think that I'm even going to make shirts this year to send out to my many victims. They'll say, "I GOT TRAINED" on the back. I like the sound of that. Has a definite ring.

Basically, I’m rooting for Chad Johnson to post 100-plus yards and 1-2 TDs in a losing effort.

Funny thing is, while we are still somewhat talking about Johnson, Mikey is a huge, huge Priest Holmes apologist. I love Priest. Love ‘em. But he wasn’t as tough, or as good, as Larry Johnson is. He never took us to a Superbowl. Matter of fact, Priest never led the Chiefs to a playoff victory. Neither did Willie Roaf or #### Vermeil. That’s why I am predicting 2,000. I believe in Larry more than I ever believed in those guys. And Herm Edwards is no dummy. He’ll run L.J. all the way to the Playoffs.

How will the Red, White, and Gold fare in the playoffs? Part of me wants to predict an I-70 Chiefs-St. Louis Rams Superbowl, but I just can’t. Both Missouri squads will go far, likely Conference Championship far, but neither will make the big game. I’m rolling with Steve Smith’s Carolina Panthers and Peyton Manning’s Indianapolis Colts in that one. Both Smitty and “Cut that Meat” are on L.J.-type missions of their own and have better supporting casts. The Panthers are my Superbowl Champs. Head Coach John Fox’s squad has a slightly better defense and a much better rushing attack than the Colts. It’s as simple as that.

What else will go down during the 2006 NFL season…

• Quarterbacks Favre, McNair, Warner, and Collins will not still be their team’s signal callers by season’s ends. Those teams—the Packers, Ravens, Cardinals, and Titans—will all miss the playoffs. Some call these teams “sleepers.” I say all of their playoff aspirations will be asleep by week 13-14.

• San Francisco 49ers TE Vernon Davis, and not Saints RB Reggie “The President/Baby Matrix” Bush or Cardinals QB Matt Leinart, will be the NFC Rookie of the Year. He will have at least 7 TDs, and 10 TDs is within the realm of possibilities. And, yes, he’s on my fantasy squad.

• Ravens Head Coach Brian Billick will be canned by the end of the season. Marty-ball will also have to find a new home after the Chargers have a disappointing season with Phillip Rivers at QB.

• (Interlude: Now “The Seeker” by The Who is playing. I’m jacked and dousing my innards with ridiculously potent Starbucks. I may not sleep tonight. At least not much.)

• I like the Giants to win the ultra-competitive NFC East. I don’t believe in the A.T. (After T.O.) Eagles. I think the Redskins’ “suped-up” offense will sputter as long as Jurassic QB Mark Brunell holds the keys. As for T.O. and the Cowgirls (hate ‘em), puh-lease. T.O. makes Ron Artest look like a Bible salesman. His marriage with the ‘Boys is doomed.

• The 2006 J-E-T-S probably couldn’t even make the BCS. They will win 3 games max.

• The Houston Texans will be much better under new Head Coach Gary Kubiak. That Jake Plummer bootleg #### he’s pulling with QB David Carr should really jumpstart the offense. The defense will also be better. No one will still doubt the selection of DE “Super” Mario Williams when he is playing in the Pro Bowl.

• The Lions will continue to be a mess. Their assistant coach driving through a drive-thru naked won’t be nearly as embarrassing as their season will be. New Offensive Coordinator Mike Martz will help RB Kevin Jones and WR Roy Williams put up better numbers. He will not help the Lions win more ballgames.

• St. Louis, not Seattle or Arizona, will win the NFC West. The free agency acquisitions of WR Nate Burleson and RB Edgerrin James will bust. If you picked them on your fantasy squads, God help you.

• Chargers LB Shawne Merriman will break someone in half. Twice.

• Chad Johnson will lead the league in TD catches, celebrations, and me to my second Dirty Dozen Fantasy Championship.

• The Patriots will miss the playoffs, but rookie Laurence Maroney will make his presence felt. Eventually, that is. Corey Dillon will start the first 8 games and try to convince us that he’s still an every-down back. He’s not.

• Deion Branch will cave and be in a Patriots uni by week 6.

• Joey Porter is your Defensive Player of the Year. Peyton Manning your MVP (Steve Smith would be my pick if he was healthy. He’s currently not.)

• Tony Kornheiser will be a hit on Monday Night Football. Now if only we can get ESPN to oust Joe Theismann in favor of Tony’s partner-in-crime Michael Wilbon.

• My sleeper players are Jaguars WR Matt Jones, Vernon Davis, Falcons RB Jerious “Don’t call me Scott” Norwood, Chiefs LB Kawika Mitchell, Giants S Will Demps, and Vikings RB Chester Taylor. I’m also very high on Texans’ recent addition Ron Dayne, Packers WR Greg Jennings, and the stacked Atlanta defense. Oh, and Rams WR/brainiac Kevin Curtis. Again. Bears RB Thomas Jones will have a fantastic campaign as well.

• My busts are ‘Skins RB Clinton Portis, Edgerrin James, Burleson, the Seattle Offense, the Chargers, the Patriots defense, Eagles WR Donte’ Stallworth, Steve McNair, Pack WR Donald Driver, T.O., Raiders RB Lamont Jordan, ‘Skins S Adam Archuleta, Broncos QB Jake Plummer, and all of the Chiefs’ DTs. I think Bears RB Cedric Benson flops. As does Dolphins QB Daunte Culpepper and the Fish. I also think that this is the year that age starts catching up to Ravens LB Ray Lewis.

• I expect Eli Manning’s 2006 numbers to come close to matching those of his big brother’s. I'm being serious.

• Did I mention that Larry Johnson will rush for 2,000 yards? He won’t break the record, though. The Chiefs need him for the playoffs, too.

Enjoy yourself this season. Tailgate to your heart’s content, knock back beers aplenty, sign up for Direct TV (The only way to get NFL Sunday Ticket… my installation is the 13th.), and may all your NFL and Fantasy Football dreams come true!