Who better to drop the puck on the NHL season than America's favorite hockey mom? Or America's least favorite hockey mom? You know, depending on which tracking poll you're relying on.

The Philadelphia Flyers have announced that GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin -- a self described pit bull with lipstick,er, hockey mom – will join the winner of a team promotion for the "Ultimate Hockey Mom" to drop the puck at the team's season opener Saturday against the New York Rangers.

This could be the electoral game-changer the McCain campaign has been looking for. Because if the NHL can do for McCain-Palin what it's done for, say, the Versus Network, well, there could be dozens of undecided voters out there for the taking.

But Palin better be careful. After announcing earlier this week that the "gloves are off" she may very well end up getting five minutes for fighting before the night is through.

You can call me a sentimental fool, but some wedding traditions just get me all choked up.

The first dance. Cutting the cake. The ceremonial handcuffing of the father of the bride.

Some may disagree, but in my book, a marriage isn't truly consummated until the proud papa gets put in the squad car. And if a major-league pitcher and a FEMA coordinator go along for the ride? Well that's just more Mazel Tovs to go around.

Astros pitcher Brandon Backe was among 10 people arrested this weekend during a brawl with police at a wedding reception at a Galveston hotel bar.

No details about the cause of the altercation were immediately available, leaving us to conclude that it was a bouquet toss gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Man, times are tough.

For example, the value of the dollar is so diminished, that A-Rod is using $100 bills for napkins.

I mean, seriously. You used to almost be able to fill up your gas tank for that amount. Now, you might as well just pull out your bankroll and use that fat #### of Benjamins to blow your nose for all the good it's going to do you as a form of currency. 

As for A-Rod, we're guessing he's had to resort to using cash as fine linens because all his Lehman Brothers stock certificates are already on a roll in his master bathroom.

A wide array of educators, child psychologists and parents have long maintained that video games -- for lack of a better term -- rot children's minds.

And with an advocate like Carl Edwards speaking on behalf of gamers everywhere, it's awfully difficult to argue.

Asked about that last-lap maneuver at Kansas Speedway in which he passed Jimmie Johnson on the low side, only to slingshot  into the wall, allowing Johnson to regain the lead and win the race, this is basically how Edwards explained his actions:

It works on my Xbox.

"In video games, you can just run into the wall and run it wide open," he added. "That's what I did, but it didn't quite work out the same as the video game."

I know just how Carl feels.

I play this one video game in which I pull innocent bystanders out from behind the wheel of their cars, then take a little joyride, during which I may, or may not (it all depends on my mood) mow down a street walker or two before leading police on a high-speed pursuit that culminates in several of Sin City's finest going down in a hail of automatic weapon fire.

And the one time I tried that outside of the virtual world . . . well, it DEFINITELY didn't work out the same as the video game.

Shawn Kemp's return to professional basketball lasted just nine days.

That's how long Kemp practiced with Montegranaro Premiata of the Italian League until the team broke off its one-year contract with the former NBA star ... one week before the start of the season, no less.

But on the plus side, that was probably only enough time for Kemp to father one illegitimate child that the Italian government will ultimately bear the financial responsibility for raising.

Two at the most.

A 47-year-old man faces criminal charges after allegedly stealing a Dodgers uniform and posing as one of the team's players.

A security guard found Ronald Higgins walking on the field Wednesday morning wearing the uniform and holding a glove and two baseballs. Higgins allegedly identified himself as a Dodgers player, but the guard recognized him from an earlier incident and called the police.

If convicted, Higgins could spend nearly four years in state prison for impersonating a Dodger, a potential precedent-setting outcome that should have Andruw Jones waking up in a cold sweat on pretty much a nightly basis.

The Florida Marlins are 315-333 since they won the 2003 World Series.

They're coming off an off-season in which they found it necessary to trade the only two players on their roster most of the nation could pick out of a lpolice ineup.

And their grand plan to improve on an MLB-worst attendance average of 16,919 hinges upon ... fat guys dancing.

With that kind of strategic thinking, it's almost hard to believe that Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria ran the Montreal Expos so far into the ground they came out on the other side of the Canada-U.S. border as the Washington Nationals.

So while the New York Post sends a Jessica Simpson look-alike to torment Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, Green Bay's Fox affiliate is showing off its rooting interests/lack of journalistic integrity by denying Giants quarterback Eli Manning the opportunity to watch his favorite television show while he's in town to take on the Packers in Sunday's NFC title game. 

WLUK general manager Jay Zollar explained the decision to pull the station's regularly scheduled 5:30 p.m. Saturday showing of Seinfeld thusly:

"We don't want to give any comfort to the enemy whatsoever when they come into town. We know laughter is a good medicine and we decided we're not going to give that to him."

Zollar might not know it, but we have it from a good sports industry source (OK, so it's not that good a source … it's former Yankees assistant to the traveling secretary George Costanza) that Manning relies on Seinfeld for more than just mere entertainment.

For instance, we swear we've heard Manning shouting "Serenity now!" at Amani Toomer in the Giants huddle. In addition, it is believed Manning's game plan for improving on his Week 2 performance against the Packers entails some variation of the vaunted Costanza "opposite" theory.

Plus, with no Seinfeld to watch, Manning may find himself tempted by the "adult" offerings on the hotel's pay-per-view service.

Shortly after which, he will cease to be master of his own domain.

Having come to the long-overdue conclusion that their public relations were desperately in need of some coordinating, the New York Knicks are looking to hire (appropriately enough) a public relations coordinator.

But cleaning up James Dolan's messes isn't for everyone. According to the posting, you must be able to answer in the affirmative to the following questions.

1. Yes/No: I have at least 1 year of public relations experience with a sports team.

2. Yes/No: I have previous public relations experience with a NBA/ WNBA /D-League team.

3. Yes/No: Are you available to work evenings and weekends?

Now, while the ad didn't explicitly address them, here are some other queries that are likely to be a part of the interview process.

4. Yes/No: Are you willing to have carnal relations with the team's starting point guard in the back seat of his truck while parked outside a strip club?

5. Yes/No: Is it more offensive for a white man to call a black woman a b**** than it is for a black man to call a black woman a b*****?

6. Yes/No: Trading for Zach Randolph was a shrewd move from a public relations standpoint.

If you answered "Yes" to all of the above questions, then you may be qualified to be harassed by Isiah Thomas!

On the same day that Bud Selig and Don Fehr were on Capitol Hill to have a little chat with the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, this little nugget came to our attention thanks to FOXSports.com's own little rumormonger, Ben Maller:

NBC executives may have been juiced over American Gladiators' stellar debut, but the gladiators themselves were all natural. That's because NBC Universal subjected the gladiators to steroid testing before they could appear on the show. The 12 cast members were tested as part of their medical examinations and then required to sign a document saying that they were clean and that they could be tested at any time.

So to sum up …

While Fehr is dragging his feet on retroactively testing blood samples for HGH when a test becomes available, NBC can make Lazer and Nitro pee in a cup anytime it damn well wants to.

And when Lazer and Nitro are subject to more stringent steroid testing than Clemens and Tejada, you know there's still work for MLB to do.

I don't know if the New York Post's little fake Jessica Simpson stunt (in which 21-year-old nanny and Simpson look-alike Lynsey Nordstrom attended the game wearing the same pink No. 9 Cowboys jersey the aformentioned Yoko Romo wore during Dallas' regular-season loss to Philadelphia) had any effect whatsoever on the outcome of Sunday's Giants-Cowboys playoff game.

But I do know this: I'm now rooting wholeheartedly for a Giants-Patriots showdown in Super Bowl XLII.

Sure, the Packers might be more competitive and a Super Bowl appearance would be a fitting swan song for Brett Favre.

But the fake Gisele Bundchen-fake Bridget Moynahan cat fight on the sidelines of University of Phoenix Stadium would just be epic.

Joakim Noah wasn't voted off the island … but it was close.

Having decided that a one-game suspension was insufficient punishment after Noah was involved in a confrontation with assistant coach Ron Adams, the rest of his teammates unanimously voted in favor of benching the rookie for another game.

Seeing as how it is an election year, we think it would be only fitting if the Bulls continue to vote on any number of Noah-related matters throughout the rest of the season. Such as …

- Is it time for Noah to get a big boy haircut?

- Should Noah have to don the suit he wore to the NBA draft along with big floppy shoes and a fake red nose and visit kids in Chicago-area hospitals?

- For how long should Noah be forced to attend dance lessons at Arthur Murray to ensure that scenes like this one are never ever repeated?

Democracy in action is a beautiful thing. God bless America.

Terrell Owens is not about to let Jessica Simpson tear apart the Cowboys locker room and ruin the team's shot at a Super Bowl season.

Come on, doesn't she know that's his job?

And no pink jersey-wearing, pizza-selling hussy is going to come into his house and take that away from him … even if she is dating the starting quarterback.

"Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite — in this locker room or in Texas Stadium," Owens said Wednesday, three days after teammate Tony Romo appeared to be a wee bit distracted by Simpson's presence during the Cowboys' 10-6 loss to the Eagles.

"With everything that has happened, obviously with the way Tony (Romo) played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel she has taken his focus away. Other than that, she was high on my list until last week."

So take that, Yoko … I mean, Jessica.

Now for T.O.'s sake, we certainly hope Simpson heeds Owens' warning. Because after last season's suici ... er, accidental overdose, there's not really much room left for Owens to up the ante when it comes to chemistry-wrecking maneuvers.

Peace on earth, good will toward men.

Unless of course, you were found to have financed a major dogfighting operation and compounded the horrors associated with that blood sport by executing several of your dogs via electrocution, drowning and hanging.

In that case, a mighty "Bah, Humbug!" to you.

That's the Christmas greeting PETA is sending to Northern Neck Regional Jail, where Michael Vick is currently serving 23 months after pleading guilty to one count of conspiracy to operate an interstate dogfighting ring.

And thanks to PETA, you can send that same greeting to anyone you wish.

The animals rights advocate has created an e-card that features the disgraced former NFL quarterback pacing back and forth in a prison yard, trapped in a snow globe, while an announcer repeatedly exclaims, "They got to the quarterback's blindside there. He never had a chance."

Because, hey, nothing spreads yuletide cheer like mocking the recently incarcerated.

When your sport is teetering on the edge of irrelevance, sometimes you've got to get a little creative with regard to your marketing strategy.

Roger Federer staking his claim as the greatest male tennis player of all time not doing anything to float your boat? OK, how about if we poison Tommy Haas on the eve of a key Davis Cup match with Russia? Just, you know, hypothetically speaking, would that get your attention?

Not going to tune in for Kim Clijsters' farewell tour? OK, we've got a legal dispute involving a #### shot of one of our lovely lady competitors and another one testing positive for cocaine. Now if we could only somehow combine the two, then we'd really have something for our promotions department to work with.

Hey, don't blame us. We tried a good, old-fashioned gambling scandal and it didn't move the needle one damn bit.

And if this doesn't work, we're going to have Nicole Vaidisova make it rain at a dog fight where Tim Donaghy and O.J. Simpson are both betting big.

Get used to it. We aren't going to be ignored any longer.