The refusal of their new second-bagger Alfonso Soriano to move to the outfield in what was supposed to be his spring training debut on Monday has the Washington Nationals drastically rethinking their defensive alignment.  General Manager Jim Bowden had hoped to shift four-time All Star Soriano to the outfield because he already had three-time All Star Jose Vidro at second.

   "If I haven’t done it before, I won’t do it now”, said Soriano about the move, forcing the Nats to get creative in order to keep both men happy.

 “Right now we’re considering playing them both at second”, said a team insider, “and covering the outfield with only two guys”.

  Asked exactly how the two men would be deployed at the same position, he indicated they would stand next to each other and take turns handling balls.  “They’re both team players.  We think they’ll be able to share the balls, you know, like car salesmen dividing up customers”.

For official scoring purposes, the two second basemen would be 4A and 4B.

“We’ll be giving up something in the outfield, sure”, said the spokesman, “but should be stronger on the right side, especially against weak left-handed ground ball hitters”.

 The team is also considering pulling its catcher on certain pitches and having him run down and cover first base, freeing up the first baseman to act as a third outfielder.  This would only occur if there was nobody on base and it wasn’t a possible third-strike situation. "We've all played without a catcher as kids", said the spokesman, "there's no reason not to try it in the big leagues".

 Under the rules, the catcher has to line up in foul territory behind the plate, but is free to move out of the box to make a play. “Once the pitcher starts his windup, our catcher can sprint down to first base", said the spokesman, "just like an outfielder anticipating the swing of the bat and moving before the ball is actually hit.”

The Nats’ experiment may bring an end to the era of slow, squat catchers, with teams looking more for wide receiver-type athletes to handle the rigors of the regular sprints down the first-base line.  The Nats’ current catcher, Brian Schneider, is not known as a speedster, but does have two career stolen bases.

In the absence of a catcher, the home plate umpire is expected to take quite a few hits and the tempo of the game will be slowed considerably while balls are chased down near the backstop.  “Slowing down the game is not really our issue”, said the spokesman, “our issue is winning ballgames any way we can”.

Soriano will earn about $10 million for the 2006 season.

Announcing 4 More Finalists

Jan 4, 2005 | 8:08AM

We know it's late, but we're naming four more finalists. The rules provide us with the latitude to do this.  The only possible complainers are the 16 finalists already announced, but they know that ultimately they must be better than everyone else, so four more competitors should not really affect them.

The reasons for adding four more finalists to the mix are different for each writer: in one case we made a math error; in another a damn good blog just somehow got overlooked; in another instance we decided we liked the idea of a little more controversy in the contest (just like in real sports); and in the final case we decided that it was our obligation to give voice to a woman sportswriter, even though her blog wasn't particularly good (if performance were the sole criteria there might be no women's sports at all!) and a number of us felt she was really a man masquerading as a woman anyway.

Drum roll please.....

Foofoo4you:   http://blogs.foxsports.com/foofoo4you

TiffanyMarie:   http://blogs.foxsports.com/
TiffanyMarie

TravisDW:   http://blogs.foxsports.com/TravisDW

Truthteller:   http://blogs.foxsports.com/Truthteller

This has been a really fun contest and my guess is that there will be more of them in the future and each one will be bigger and better than the last .  I think Foxports.com should consider running the "finalist" portion of the next one more like the NCAA men's basketball tournament than American Idol:

1. Have the judges pick 64 finalists instead of 16, and seed them 1-16 in four groups.

2. The first seed and the 16th in each group would get the same assignment and have a write-off.  We would get to see how two writers approach the same topic and then vote for our favorite. There would be a total of 32 match-ups in the first round  (so there would be 32 different topics covered and 32 writers advancing).

3. The "games" would proceed through the Sweet 16, Great Eight, Final Four, with the assignments perhaps getting more specific with each round.

There would be upsets and drama.  I  would love to see how some of my favorite bloggers (with radically different styles) handle the same assignment and work their way through the brackets.

Seahawks placekicker Josh Brown described his feelings as time ran out in regulation play of a recent tied game:  “I'm on the sideline trying to get mentally ready, trying to be by myself.  It's one of those moments where you know what's coming.  You know it's going to come.  You just have to win the coin toss.''

In the 13 overtime games this season, the team that got the ball first won eight times.  That’s a 62% win rate.  Thirty years of NFL statistics confirm this bias in favor of the coin-toss winner, with almost 30% of overtime games won on the first drive alone, the losing team never touching the ball.

This is a huge edge and an unnecessary one.  The game is already littered with lucky breaks and bad calls that affect the outcome; there’s no need to artificially interject more luck at a critical moment in the contest.  Like lagging the ball for the first break in pool, why not introduce some type of alternative to the coin toss that is based on merit and doesn’t dramatically change the odds on the basis of pure chance?

Here are some suggestions for skill-based substitutes for the lowly coin flip that would be quick to complete and entertaining for the fans:

1.         Have the fastest player from each team race a head-to-head 40-yarder at midfield; or have the heaviest men on each roster race; or better yet, have the smallest man on each roster race, but make him do it wearing the shoes of the biggest one (I know from experience that this type of thing is a lot of fun if you’re bowling and alcohol is involved).

2.         Have a “kicker’s auction” where the teams bid-up how far they can kick a field goal, with the high bidder getting to try the kick: if he makes it they “win the toss”; if he misses, they lose the toss.  Or have the punters or kickers go for distance, kicking balls painted in team logos at the same time and seeing which carries the furthest and stays inbounds.

3.         The owners like to be a part of the team, they bask in the reflected glory produced by the players and coaches, but why not actually get them in the game?  Call them down from the owner’s box for a quick sprint, say twenty yards, or see how far they can kick a football.

4.         Do rock-scissors-paper.  It’s not pure luck, there’s strategy involved, it’s like calling for a particular defense.  This would be an interesting new area for team tacticians to study.

5.         Let the players flip the coins instead of the referees (studies have shown that it’s a learnable skill; magicians and gamblers can get really good at it; mechanical coin-flippers that produce identical tosses produce very predictable outcomes).  This would create a new area of specialization for players and could extend the careers of aging stars; backup quarterbacks could practice for hours on the sidelines.

The overtime coin toss occurs at a peak moment of drama during some of the most exciting games of the year.  Why waste the opportunity with a random coin flip that skews the outcome so heavily in favor of one of the teams?

One of the great mysteries in college sports is how, at the end of a long season, coaches are able to convince their players to endure extra practice sessions, give up their holidays, and travel to places like Mobile, Boise, Detroit and Shreveport to participate in unwatched and meaningless bottom-tier bowl games.

UTEP head football coach Mike Price is being accused by some of his own players of misleading them about the nature of their trip to Mobile, Alabama for last week's GMAC Bowl. The much-maligned Price, fired from the head coaching position at the University of Alabama in May 2003 after a raucous evening with strippers in Pensacola, Florida, can ill-afford to be at the center of another media circus.

In order to obtain a berth in the GMAC Bowl, Price's team had to first drop their final three games, ending the season with a loss for the 19th year in a row.  At a press conference from the team's temporary headquarters at Mobile's Murphy High School, Price stated "What you have is two teams that really want to be here", but the question is, where did Price's Miners think they were?

The bowl game itself was a fiasco for UTEP, with the Miners taking a 45-13 shellacking at the hands of Toledo's fired-up Rockets. Things were made more difficult for both coaching staffs when the clock on the only scoreboard in the ancient stadium didn't work for most of the game, although the lights managed to stay on and the toilets in both locker rooms were reported to be functioning.

UTEP quarterback Jordan Palmer accepted the blame for the drubbing, second-guessing his decision to hold onto the ball on the final play of the first half as time ran out. "I should have thrown it away and let us get three points", he said, knowing that would have trimmed the thrashing to just 45-16.

The Miners are now 0-4 in bowl games since 1967.  After the game, Price pledged "We're going to be back in a bowl game next year. We're going to win a bowl game, wherever we're going, and break another drought that UTEP has had for a while, even if it means going somewhere worse than Mobile, like Lubbock or Butte."

But a number of UTEP players are now claiming that they thought they were playing in the Hawaii Bowl in Honolulu and not the GMAC Bowl in Mobile, and insist that they were deliberately misled in that regard by Price.

"We had been talking about going to the Hawaii Bowl all year", said one player. "Right after we got off the plane they took us straight to a big luau", added an offensive tackle, apparently referring to the southern-style shrimp boil that was held for both teams the night they arrived in Mobile. "There were white sandy beaches, a lot of golf courses, delicious seafood and a cruise ship in the harbor. Why would we be su####ious?"

Some of the players claim they were taken to a big warship that had suffered damage and told by Price that it was Pearl Harbor, when in fact they were viewing the battleship USS Alabama, permanently moored in Mobile Bay and damaged by hurricane Katrina.

A spokesperson for UTEP stated "the players were told they were going to Mobile and not Hawaii, but there's always 5% who don't get the word. With respect to the Pearl Harbor incident, the team visited the battleship after a bowling outing at Leilani Lanes and the team dinner at Hooter's Restaurant, and coach Price was too drunk to remember anything, but does specifically recall telling the players that they were not at Pearl Harbor."

Even if Price is successful at calming down his returning players about the Hawaii debacle, a further misunderstanding may be brewing. "At least the team gets a $750,000 payout", said a disappointed UTEP wide-receiver. "That's almost $7,500 each, a little less, maybe, if assistant coaches get a full share."

In the waning minutes of the Seahawks victory over the Colts on Christmas Eve, Seahawks radio announcer Warren Moon was discussing the unfortunate situation of a former athlete and Seahawks fan who had been undergoing extensive therapy resulting from an accident that resulted in his full paralysis.  Moon gave credit to the courage of both the man and his family under such incredibly tragic and trying circumstances, and speculated that the man might be watching the game from his bed.

With the Seahawks leading 28-6 and clearly heading for victory, the co-broadcaster in the booth, Steve Raible, stated:

“He’s got to be a happy camper right now!”

Truthteller, a contestant in the Foxsport Next Great Sportswriter contest, is hoping that this will be the last Christmas he spends at home with his family.

 “I love my wife and kids, but I’m really hoping to become a sportswriter and be on the road for the holidays, covering things like the Motor City Bowl and top-flight high-school basketball tournaments”, said Truthteller.

 If he wins the contest, Truthteller expects that a good portion of his life will be spent drinking too much in seedy watering holes with other flabby, pasty-faced journalists and a smattering of expat Brits, his sad vulnerability occasionally attracting the attention of world-weary women with husky voices from smoking too much.

 Truthteller claims that the competition is extremely tough but still holds out some chance of winning.  “As long as merit doesn’t play too heavily in the judges’ decisions, it’s possible that I could sneak into the top 16”, stated Truthteller, “especially if there is a really good blogger out there with a name confusingly similar to mine”.  

 Truthteller is married with two young children. 

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the crowd,

A few Colts fans were reading press clippings out loud,

About Superbowl rings and the places they'd go,

And how NFC teams are damn near semi-pro.

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We fans from Seattle were snug in our seats,

Our eight dollar beers lined up at our feet.

We were biding our time, getting ready to prove

Just what a 12th man from this city can do.

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The crowd was subdued while awaiting the toss,

Thinking of Coach Dungy, the scale of his loss.

No one could imagine the sorrow he felt;

Sixty-one thousand hearts just wished they could help.

The rain that was falling from overcast skies

Gave an oil slick-type luster to our garlic fries;

When what to our wondering eyes should appear,

But an over-hyped team whose comeuppance was near.

Then out of the tunnel so lively and proud,

The 'Hawks took the field to the roar of the crowd.

Coach Holmgren had gotten them up for the game,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

Now Walter, now Marcus, now Shaun Alexander!

On Bobby! On Robbie! Oh please don't just stand there!

Our defensive line, an impossible wall!

Now bash away! Bash away! Bash away all!

They laid it all out, not for home field advantage,

This wasn't preseason, they knew what there job was.

Receivers were soaring, and Jackson was back,

Watch Joe Jurevicius (he thinks that he's black!)

The newsmen and bloggers said Colts were the best,

But they didn't know whether to play or to rest.

The Seahawks were suffering no such confusion;

They're pros, they weren't planning on slacking or losin'.

Edgerrin James couldn't get through our backs,

And Peyton was tarnished from knockdowns and sacks.

A few three-and-outs, one more fumble, a pick,

Soon gave us to know that these guys would go quick.

MVP Manning made his way to the line,

Big Pro Bowl vote-getter, still looking quite fine;

But laying his finger aside of his nose,

Lofa called for the blitz, laid him out head-to-toes.

The points mounted up and the outcome was certain,

Fans ogled the Sea Gals while 'Hawks put the hurt on.

The rain's coming down on this Northwest metropolis,

But better wet here than a dry Indianapolis.

The score grew lopsided, the fans got quite merry.

They wished that the Chargers hadn't gotten the cherry.

The Seahawks were good sports, not petty or mean,

They chose just to run it on third-and-nineteen.

Paul Allen was happy, and guessed at his gate,

(Thirty billion in banks and still can't get a date!)

Holmgren's chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laugh when I see him, in spite of myself.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he ducked out of sight,

"Those writing us off aren't looking that bright;

Those betting the 'under' must feel like real dolts,

The 'overs' are winners, no help from the Colts!"

Baseball officials have been talking informally about relaxing trade restrictions that hamper the free flow of players between teams.  Targets for change could include trade cutoff dates and impediments to short-term transactions.

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"The system should make it easier for us to move players around”, said one team official.  “Last season we wanted to bring in another left-handed bat for the last game of our September series with Oakland, but we were prevented from doing it by restrictive league rules”.

 Of special interest to many are three-day trades between teams that are actually playing each other.  “Many times a team will come in here to play, and have short-term needs that we can accommodate”, said a spokesman.  “These deals are especially nice because at the end of the series you don’t have to fly the player home, you just send him over to the other locker room.”

 Technological barriers to change have recently been overcome with the development of super small fonts that will allow a dramatic increase in the number of lines of team stats that can fit on the back of a baseball card.

 Rules that effectively freeze rosters near the end of the season are the biggest target for change, according to many.  “People used to love that old Blue-Gray Classic in college football” opined one insider.  “A lot of the best players from many different teams were thrown together for a late season game.  Baseball’s playoffs should be more like that.”

 Not all baseball executives are comfortable with the extent of the change being proposed.  “I can see a player like Johnny Damon alternating between the Red Sox and the Yankees next season”, said one, “but I’d hate to see him play for both teams in the same game”.

 Much of the resistance to the new proposals comes from older front-office veterans who can still remember when players tended to spend their entire careers with a single team.  “Look at that”, said one such warhorse, pointing to a team photo of the 1955 Dodgers, “the starters all spent their entire careers as Dodgers, except for a couple of guys who played a year or two at other teams right before they retired.  Walt Alston was there for 23 years.  The fans really knew those players, identified with them, they were like family.  You knew they would still be Dodgers when you woke up in the morning.”

Asked to comment, an 18-year old assistant GM said “do you have any idea how badly we’d get hammered on jersey sales if the names of the players stayed the same year-after-year?  The fans should know better than to get attached to any individual player.  That’s why we have the mascot.”

Utah Jazz rookies Deron Williams and Robert Whaley were involved in a brawl that erupted in a Park City, Utah bar recently.  An employee of the establishment suffered a broken arm and Whaley received a nasty gash on his hand from a piece of broken glass.

 Williams and Whaley gave fake names to the police on the scene, Williams choosing “Torry Ellis” and Whaley opting for “Bobby Williams”.  The two men later got into a heated locker-room exchange when Williams questioned Whaley’s choice of “Williams” as his fake name.

 Police were immediately su####ious of the two men.  “None of the other eight black people in Utah have names like ‘Ellis’ or ‘Williams’ as far as any of us could recall”, stated an officer close to the investigation.

 Tipped off by Whaley’s 6’10”, 260 pound frame, police took their investigation to the NBA website, where no photo of Whaley was posted but the silhouette there as a placeholder clearly resembled Whaley’s coloring.

 Later, Whaley explained away his damaged hand to Jazz management and the press by stating he had cut it while taking a sharp kitchen knife away from his two-year old.  As the story escalated in the press, police questioned the two-year old about the incident. 

 “He wasn’t talking”, reported a spokesperson.

 Despite a career game on November 15^th when Whaley attempted nine field goals in a 36-point loss to Sacramento, the press in Salt Lake City is clamoring for the Jazz to release the team’s no. 51 draft choice.  (With respect to the possible release of Williams, the no. 3 pick in the 2005 draft, a member of the front office asked rhetorically “Aren’t second chances what America is all about?”)

Perhaps laying the groundwork for Whaley’s eventual release, a Jazz spokesman stated that Whaley’s average of 0.9 points per game had not been the decisive spread in any contest so far this season.

Whaley does carry some baggage with him, including a 2003 arrest for assault and a 2000 charge of statutory rape that ended in a mistrial.  “Who’s going to believe a 15-year old girl anyway?”, Whaley is credited with saying, “especially since it was so dark out”.  

 Both men have been cited for providing false information to a peace officer. 

Barry Halper, famed collector of sports memorabilia, is dead at 66.

During his lifetime, Mr. Halper amassed over 80,000 pieces of sports memorabilia, religiously inspecting at least ten different items from his collection each day in order to be assured of seeing everything at least once every 22 years.

The biggest disappointment in his life was having acquired only 80,000 items instead of the 90,000 he had hoped to amass.

Although Mr. Halper had known for many years that he couldn’t take it all with him, he never lost hope until the last moment that he might be able to just take the jersey Lou Gehrig wore at his farewell speech and the Honus Wagner card.

D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams is trying to stir up support for the Washington Nationals’ new 41,000-seat stadium, telling a group of senior citizens last week that only $515 million was needed, not counting expected construction overruns.  “The other $20 million is being put up by Major League Baseball”, he said, referring to the current owner of the team. 

Analysts have pointed out that the funds required to build the stadium amount to little more than a million average welfare checks.  “It’s time the people stepped up”, said Williams.

The new stadium is expected to vastly increase the value of the team at its upcoming sale.  The 29 corporate and individual owners that make up MLB realize that the ultimate sales price will have little discernable effect on their overall estimated $100 billion net worth and market value, but point out that they didn’t get where they are by leaving a nickel sitting on the sidewalk. 

“I’d hate to see the city kiss off a baseball team”, said Rep. Tom Davis, R-Va, who chairs the congressional committee that oversees D.C. affairs and is expected to be a frequent luxury box invitee at the new stadium.

Almost one-in-three children in D.C. live in poverty, and it is expected that the new stadium will give many of these children an opportunity to watch other people going to games.

When asked what he thought about the new stadium’s projected $35 average ticket price, $8 beers and $24 parking fees, a tattered resident manning a food-stamp drop-off point in support of the stadium said “what I need parking for?”

Ugueth U. Urbina, veteran free agent pitcher last with the Phillies (and the only MLB player ever to have the initials U.U.U.) is sitting in a Venezuelan jail on an attempted murder charge while his agent tries to market him for the 2006 season.

Urbina allegedly came home to his family’s ranch in Venezuela and surprised five workers bathing in his swimming pool without permission.  Prosecutors allege Urbina joined a group of men in attacking and injuring the five workers with machetes and pouring gasoline on them.  He faces 20 years in jail if convicted and must remain in jail until he is tried.

I think there are some critical questions that any GM should insist be answered before signing Urbina for next year.

1.         The reports state Urbina joined others and “attacked five workers with machetes who were bathing in his swimming pool”.  Does that mean they used machetes to attack five workers in his pool?   Or were there five workers in his pool with machetes that they attacked?  To me there’s a big difference.

2.         What kind of workers were these?  White collar?  Or were they from the slaughterhouse or fresh from inseminating cows and so forth?

3.         Was the pool posted with a sign that swimmers were required to shower before entering it, and if so, had the workers complied with the rule?  And if not, how long had it been since they last showered?

4.         One of the workers stated “This has nothing to do with money.  We don’t want them to offer us any money and we’re not asking them for any money”.  Does this mean this isn’t just a cash grab and extortion attempt, or are the workers looking for bearer bonds, unregistered securities and Krugerrands?

5.         The reports state that Urbina poured gasoline on the workers, but were they still in the pool when he did it and did he ever try to actually light them on fire?  I think we’ve all been guilty of pouring gasoline on someone at some point in our lives, but there’s a big difference between doing it for intimidation purposes or a few laughs and actually incinerating someone.

6.         One of the alleged “victims” needed 300 stitches to close the wounds on his back.  He claims the wounds were not self-inflicted, but how much credence should be given to the statements of a man who is an obvious coward?

1.         Just because you’re Vikings doesn’t mean you get to ride around in boats and molest women.  The same goes for you Rams, Broncos, Raiders and Buccaneers out there.  (And don’t even get me started on the Packers.)

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2.         The idea of guys drinking and fooling around with hot babes is not going to sit well with the NFL’s main demographic group of 19 to 29 year-old males.  The beer sponsors that cater to them are probably going to be pretty steamed too.

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3.         When are you going to get it into your heads that the standards are totally different once you get to the pros?  Those college recruiting trips are a thing of the past guys!  Deal with it!

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4.         Sports fans around the world are still reeling from the disclosure that there’s a lesbian playing in the WNBA.  Do we really need your shenanigans on top of all that right now?

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5.         Did you even give one second of thought to how all of this notoriety and ridicule (not to mention possible playoff-affecting suspensions) might impact your seven teammates who couldn’t make it to the party?

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6.         There are consequences for actions in life, even for spoiled NFL stars.  That maximum fine of $1,000 is seven seconds of regular season playing time for some of you.  Maybe you should have thought about that first, huh?

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7.         If you wanted to carry on like a bunch of guys at a bachelor party, why didn’t you just rent a private facility and have your own restricted party instead of acting out on the public transportation system and….oh wait….hang on.  Never mind.

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8.         The criminal complaint alleges Culpepper put his hands on a woman’s buttocks.  Hey Daunte! Isn’t that what Fowler’s for?  Can’t you just leave it at the office?  And you Williams, before putting your hands on that topless dancer’s breasts, did you stop to think how offensive that might be to her?  She’s a professional too. 

9.         A word to the wise. This is an enormous dairy state, guys.  Breasts are thought of a little differently up here. Don’t go messing with people’s icons unless you’re ready to suffer the consequences.

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10.        Did you ever think how offensive it must have been for the crew members to be forced to watch the whole sordid affair and take pictures with their cell phones for hours and hours until the cruise was finally over and they at last got their chance to complain to the authorities?

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11.        How did you expect Sheriff Pat MacGowan and Prosecutor Steve Tallen to react to the fact that women from out-of-state had to be paid to fly in for the party?  Did you really think that would sit well with them?  There are no women in Minnesota?  It’s like bringing your own food to a restaurant.  I mean those guys probably have daughters of their own.

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12.        Did you realize the bad light that your actions were going to cast every single player on every single team in?  Receiver Marcus Robinson summed it up beautifully: "That's what happens in football. They label all football players the same, all athletes the same.  Because someone is fondling a breast or getting a lap dance doesn’t mean he’s the same as a person using a sex toy or touching a buttock."

Both current and retired NFL players are feeling the repercussions today of a minor incident in the obscure world of professional cycling.

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Lance Armstrong is accused of threatening Filippo Simeoni during a stage of the 2004 Tour de France and has been ordered to stand trial on March 7, 2006 in a court in Simeoni’s home town of Latina, Italy.  If convicted, Armstrong will probably face a fine rather than jail time, and Simeoni is looking for a 100,000 Euro payday for himself. Although Simeoni’s father is expected to be out of town for the trial, his mother and two cousins have already committed to be on the jury.

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The charges stem from an incident during a late stage of the Tour when Simeoni was part of a breakaway.  Armstrong chased down the group and is accused of threatening Simeoni by running his fingers across his lips in a zipping motion while riding on Simeoni’s wheel.  Armstrong was apparently annoyed at Simeoni for testifying at the doping trial of Armstrong’s Italian doctor friend, Michele Ferrari.

Feeling the wrath of the other members of the breakaway for attracting Armstrong to the group, Simeoni was forced  to return to the peloton, his chances for a stage win in the Tour destroyed.

Armstrong, apparently unconcerned about the venue of the trial, has responded to the charges by stating “Simeoni whines like an Italian”.

When asked to comment on Armstrong's ‘zip your lips’ action, an NFL defensive back was speechless, apparently taken aback that such sorts of aggressive behavior could occur in any branch of professional sports, let alone one where everyone shaves their legs and has less than 5% bodyfat.  Although it is too early to tell what effect the Armstrong incident will have on players in the U.S., a retired NFL quarterback was spotted limping down the street towards his lawyer’s office, and a back-up Seahawks wide receiver was seen in the Metropolitan Grill shouting “My kids are going to college! My kids are going to college!”