Well, I’m not one for long intros. I watch WWE’s Monday Night Raw, recap it, and you laugh at or ignore this. That is unless I don’t do it for a month or so as has been the case recently. Anyway, enough yappin’, on with the nonsense
- Show opening
- With life-span having increased exponentially since the time of the very first clip of the opening montage (1940-something at best guess) you’d have the figure that your average pro-wrestler died at age 15 back then.
- I went a long way for that one, you’d better like it
- DX opens the show with a clip package of their shenanigans and goings on the past month or so
- #### jokes and #### (literally) falling from the ceiling. Throw in some roofies and a fight or 2 with the football team and you have any given frat party on any given weekend
- DX is beloved in San Antonio, which is where Raw is being broadcast from tonight oddly enough
- Helps that Shawn Michaels is from there
- Hot chick, possibly a plant, shown completely freaking out
- DX duo does dumb infomercial skit for new shirts
- It’s actually not that bad, these guys are actually kinda sorta funny, for wrestlers. Throw in Kevin Nash and I may even take away the sorta
- Or the kinda, I haven’t decided yet
- You know, even at the height of its popularity, if you wore a wrestling shirt you pretty much looked like a mouth-breathing ####. I think the closest thing to acceptable was the original NWO shirt
- HHH says that Vince seems un-happy tonight and “On edge”
- Of all the #### jokes the guy makes and he chooses to pass up that one.
- Oh well, I’m no writer
- Did they ditch the Raw opening? One can only hope
- Heh, raw opening
- One of these guys are turning, not sure who though. Or when. Hopefully it’s not HHH, that’s been done waaaayyyyyy too much
- Not that it’s ever stopped them before
- Lots of hot tail in the audience tonight.
- DX goads Vince out
- Guy in the crowd holds up a stuffed chicken with a sign that says “Vince likes me”
- Hey, who doesn’t like taxidermy?
- Vince doing his best “John Vernon in Animal House” impression.
- If the line “Roided, oiled up, and stupid is no way to go through life son” is uttered my life will once again have meaning
- Vince has 2 words for them
- Shane-O-Mac
- Isn’t that 3 words?
- Or 2 and a half at least
- Oh well, I’m no mathematician
- Vince makes a HBK/Shane match for tonight
- Shane does a nice McMahon “Shaaadaapp!” to the crowd
- Generic bad guy stuff
- Vince’s music plays as we go to clips of Umaga destroying people
- Commercials
- I could have lived my life without hearing a midget scream “The meat!! The meat!!”
- Carlito and Trish shown winning at SNME
- Carlito to the ring
- Nice, a “My mom says I’m cool” sign in the audience
- Here’s a guy in desperate need of a personality, he could rule the world. Right now he’s just idling
- Both guys seem to be going at half speed
- As I type that JR says they are both “quicker than hiccups”
- “Quicker than a long wet ####” would be more appropriate tonight
- Wrestling happens
- Carlito wins using the ropes, after Benji tried doing it first
- SNME clips shown, Cena v. Edge
- Lame DQ ending
- Black guy in crowd shown checking out Lita’s ####
- Umaga gets a guy like Cena already?
- Wonder where they’re going with that
- Probably another DQ
- Commercials
- “Clerks II: Clerks meet Earl from ‘My Name is Earl’”
- So it seems anyway
- Backstage, Trish pretends to be attracted to Carlito
- This Week in Wrestling History, it involves women’s wrestling (from the 80s no less) so basically it’s one big who-gives-a-rats-####?
- Was Fabulous Moolah always 80 years old?
- Announcer says the bout “grabbed headlines nationwide”
- Yes, I can see it now, “Woman Beats Woman Twice Her Age in Fake Bout” on the front page of the New York Times
- Women’s tag match next, for no real reason Candace is the guest referee
- Trish and Torrie vs. 2 women who won’t win
- The women get mixed and matched more than an #### dating web-site
- At least they usually stay in character
- Usually
- #### flop around, midriffs are shown, my pants are messed….er, nevermind
- Stuff happens, Candace helps Trish and whatsername win the match
- Maria backstage with ethnic stereotype #1 and ethnic stereotype #2
- If El Matador Tito Sanatana were there too it’d be a nice trifecta of 1950s style non-white stereotypes. Oh well, maybe eventually
- Estrada: “let me ‘splain somethin’ to jew”
- I don’t think the Jews have time to have things explained to them right now, theys gots airports to bomb
- Umaga shows us his grill
- Commercials
- “John Tucker Must Die”, not since “40 Days and 40 Nights” has a movie made the average guy feel like such an impotent loser.
- And what’s with this kid? First he gets to #### Eva Longoria on that show, now he’s in a movie where he’s getting 5 hot chicks after him? I mean, he’s a good looking guy and all (which I am comfortable enough in my ultra-heteroness to say), but by age 30 he’s either gonna be balding or have a widow’s peak that’ll make Eddie Munster jealous. You can just kinda tell, he already has a good one started
- Mick Foley in Stamford for some-odd reason
- Makes excuses for losing to a 60 year old man
- Says there’ll be no re-match
- Speaking of widow’s peaks, Lawler needs to start wearing a baseball hat instead of a crown
- Clips of 2 men beating up a woman from last week.
- Maria asks Vis and Haas why, and to tell the truth I don’t care. Unless they admit to being lovers, that’d at least be interesting. Hey, with that headband Haas has on would you be surprised?
- Diva Search
- Far be it for me to complain about hot chicks on a show full of half naked guys.
- So I won’t
- Commercials
- Miami Vice, coming soon
- Any reason they haven’t gotten around to making an Alf movie? I better not joke about that, it may actually happen
- WWE Magazine, US Weekly for people with no teeth
- The Highlanders
- Does this mean we’ll eventually see them get their heads cut off?
- Please?
- I do like that they announced their weight in “stone” though. I think the US should change its weight measurement to that
- As lame as the gimmick is the guys doing it do as good a job as can be hoped for it
- The Bushwackers for the 21st century
- They have stuff on under the kilts, so they aren’t really Scottish
- And thank Almighty God for that
- They win, natch
- So is ECW’s 11 pm start time a sign that it’s in trouble after only a month?
- Commercials
- Benchwarmers on DVD. Did that movie do well? I actually have no idea
- DX speaks with the Scottish guys, tell them that Vince would love to meet them
- At least they aren’t telling them that Pat Patterson wants to meet them.
- If you don’t know, don’t ask
- Teacher guy in the ring
- Cena out
- So Cena’s doing stuff with Umaga and Stryker now? Did HHH catch him ####ing Stephanie or something?
- Speak of the Samoan devil, Umaga comes out
- No ref, so the match won’t actually happen
- Cena beating down Umaga
- Until Umaga throws him through Strykers chalkboard
- Once again, if you don’t know, don’t ask
- Ref finally comes out, and of course starts the match after the obvious DQ
- Back and forth action
- I still have to wonder where exactly they go with Umaga. He’s kind of limited if he stays in this character, cuz otherwise he ain’t bad, especially for his size
- Edge and Lita out
- Cena goes after Edge
- Cena in control
- So wait, do people like Cena now? Or what exactly?
- That’s #### as in stupid, not #### as in ####-erotic. There is a difference
- Highlanders with Vince, hilarity ensues
- Commercials
- Wait, was Vince trying to catch DX in a net last week?
- An anvil wasn’t available?
- Orton down
- You may remember Mark Madden as the big fat ring announcer from the last days of WCW. He’s also a big fat sports radio host here in Pittsburgh. While he very very rarely talks about wrestling he did talk about the Orton/Hogan feud before it happened, even knew the Brooke Hogan aspect. He may be Comic Book Guy come to life with a made for radio voice, but he knew what he was talking about this time
- Orton beats Eugene quickly
- How long has Brooke Hogan been 17? I think it’s been about 3 years now
- Clips of stalking are shown
- Commercials
- I read somewhere where Gieco commercials are the most widely played commercials on TV. I can buy that
- Foley again
- Mentions Melina for the second time.
- Either setting up for a future match with Nitro. Or some inside thing that only the geekiest of internet wrestling geeks knows about
- He doesn’t really say anything new, in fact it was kind of pointless
- Flair out
- Clips from Flair’s match with Big Show on the ECW show is shown
- Why the hell would Flair want to do that?
- Melina comes out, with Nitro. Hopefully for some kind of explanation
- Melina with the Madeline Kahn at the end of “Young Frankenstein” hair going on
- Looks really stupid
- Nitro beats up Flair
- Oh right, Melina’s thing is screaming now.
- Is she really going for a Bride of Frankenstein thing? I’m being serious
- Melina gets knocked off the apron. I’m sure she’s really in great pain
- Flair celebrates crippling the tiny woman
- Diva Search, next
- Commercials
- Two straight commercials featuring guys who’re supposedly getting more #### than a proctologist. Why don’t they just show an episode of Cribs or Jay-Z naked to really make me feel inadequate
- Okay, Clerks II commercial kind of does the same thing. I ain’t buying Dante dating Rosario Dawson, I’m sorry. Randall? Maybe. Jay? Maybe. Dante? Heeeall no
- Alright, enough complaining
- Diva Search, now
- “The Miz”
- So is he a wrestler or just an announcer? He’s a big enough guy, and he’s got charisma, something precious few WWE guys have these days
- I’ll take the middle chick in the black, whatever her name is
- Or the blonde
- Cuz that’s about all that’s left after that
- Vince pumps up Shane
- Stupid sign gag, and I still laughed
- I suck
- Commercials
- Rusty Griswold gives HHH a hand
- DX out
- “Let’s get ready to suck it”
- Never got why any wrestler would be comfortable saying that
- Commercials
- Ballad of Ricky Bobby
- Will Ferrell characters really don’t vary much do they? Lucky for him he’s funny
- Back to action, HBK comes this close to breaking his neck
This is my weekly recap of the Monday Night Raw wrestling show. For those who don't watch you may want to take a powder on this one, but it is kind of funny even if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about
- She’s looking a tad ragged in the face tonight, or more than normal anyway
- Foley sez the reason he brought out Edge to give him a (the?) Hardcore championship belt
- Cuz he’s cardhore
- Weak “You suck” chant by the crowd
- Edge says he can’t accept the belt
- Cuz he’s got the hottest girl in Vegas coming home with him tonight
- If that’s true then Vegas is vastly overrated
- Edge talks about how Mick had to toil in bingo halls and such for ECW, so he deserves the belt more
- Foley rips on Flair
- Whooooo!..... the hell cares
- Foley calls for another match with Edge tonight to decide who’s the real hardcore champ
- Edge has a better idea
- He goes over and whispers something in Lillan Ringannouncer’s ear
- She announces them as co-hardcore champions
- See, compromise works
- As they celebrate, ECW music starts
- Paul Heyman out
- Crowd seems slightly more than apathetic, may not be a good sign for the new brand
- Okay, now they’re more into it, maybe the crowd mics weren’t working right at first
- Heyman calls Foley a prostitute
- Says Foley gave sweat blood and tears “for each and every one of these people” when in fact maybe 2 people ever saw him in ECW.
- Heyman asks Foley what it’s like to look in the mirror and see a shell of his former self
- Ironic no?
- Mick plugs his book that hasn’t even been written yet
- Now that’s hardcore
- Foley calls Heyman a failure
- Non-ironic
- Heyman says there’s gonna be another “One Night Stand”
- “Two Night Stand”?
- Challenges Foley and Edge to a fight against 2 mystery opponents
- Foley sez no
- Heyman laughing
- Says Lita’s the only one with any nuts
- Edge goes nuts, (haha)
- Edge goes after Heyman
- Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funk make the save
- So who’s older at this point? Flair or Funk?
- Well I guess the oldest one would always be older, but you know what I mean
- Crowd seems, eh, okay with the whole thing
- Again, maybe it’s just a mic problem
- Commercials
- 3 Fast 3 Furious
- Lame
- ANOTHER Diva search?
- I’m all for hot chicks and all, but haven’t the last 2 been train wrecks that led to HHH and Stephanie divorcing? Connect the dots if you don’t know what I’m talking about.
- No Steph wasn’t the unfaithful one (allegedly)
- RVD out
- Benjamin is his opponent, for the IC title no less
- RVD messes up 2 kicks
- See, this is why he can’t be the top guy. You can’t have the top guy in matches higher than “The Dude” Lebowski
- Or have him get caught with pot in his duffel bag going through airport security
- Commercials
- “Date Movie” on DVD
- Not a big Allison Hannigan fan normally. But she looked super-hot in that movie
- I suspect ILM is behind it somehow
- Well, I guess that’s only if they got Nicole Ritchie to look good
- Back to action
- Or whatever action there may be
- Cuz there ain’t much of it, especially considering the participants
- Very sloppy work by both guys
- Ref is hit
- Benji goes for IC belt
- RVD kicks it into his face, thus earning the DQ, somehow-or-other.
- Not sure how that’s supposed to work
- 5 Star for Benji anyway, which RVD aptly messes up
- Oh well, it’s only in front of 10,000,000 or so people
- Vince backstage with one of the guys from ZZ Top (Billy Gibbons) and Paul Young(?)
- Vince brings Candace over to give them boners
- From the neck up, average
- From Torso to waist, faker than the wrestling in the ring
- Commercials
- The only reason to remake the Omen is to have it open on 6/6/06. So I can forgive this one remake, if only because the timing is too good
- Vince is out
- Overdoing the arm flailing thing just a tad
- Michael J Fox has more control of his arms apparently
- Vince is bringing out HHH to apologize
- He waits
- “You suck” chant starts
- Waits some more
- Okay, now he’s coming
- HHH has a new Titan-tron video package
- I think
- Vince talks about making HBK’s life a living hell
- Says he’ll do the same to HHH
- Vince says he wants to hear “those two words”
- HHH says he has two words for him
- Very very weak “Suck it” from the crowd
- “I’m sorry” says HHH
- Vince asks HHH to crack open HBK’s head with a sledgehammer, that’s the only way the apology will be accepted
- HHH obliges
- Commercials
- Jack Black’s decent into lameness is sad to see
- Kane’s movie clips are shown.
- A guy who looks a little too much like the director of the movie talks about how scary it is
- I was all ready to make fun of the movies box-office ($5.6 million approx.), but it actually had a pretty damn good per-screen average. Better than MI:3 in it’s what 2nd week?
- Okay 3rd, but still not bad for a by all accounts horrible movie
- Really, if you saw the movie, you’re a loser. I’m sorry
- Kane says May 19th is the day his family was killed in a fire
- Continuity is at least present in his storyline
- Masters out
- Cena’s his opponent
- “Cena” chant
- Vegas loves Cena
- Hmmm, wonder why.
- No seriously, I have no idea
- Stuff happens, Masterlock is blocked, Masters taps out to a submission move
- Quick and dirty
- RVD out
- What would I rather listen to? Cena rap or RVD talk?
- Tough call
- Basically, it’ll be RVD vs. Cena at “One Night Stand”
- Great, they’re trying to make RVD the good guy by putting him up against Cena, and they start in the only place in the last year that’s overwhelmingly cheered Cena
- Judgment Day encore
- Undertaker lost, so there are a bunch of old fat goth women who’re upset this week
- And now you know why
- Carlito backstage with Maria
- Maria’s tongue should be ripped out
- Well, except for certain things
- Like licking stamps, hell if I’m doing it myself
- They run into Snitsky who’s all excited because he has a date with a showgirl
- If it’s not a dude in drag I’ll hit myself in the #### with a fungo bat
- Ding ding, not just a guy, it’s Goldust
- Who has at least 2 chins now
- So Maria’s with Carlito now? Why?
- Whatever
- HBK yells at HHH
- HHH yells back
- Commercials
- Do these anti-tobacco ads stop anyone from smoking?
- In fact, I’m smoking right now, just for spite
- #### guy in the ring as we come back, making fun of Kane
- We can skip ahead about 10 mins cuz we all know what’s gonna happen here
- Kane beats him in like 2 seconds
- The most intriguing part of that whole thing is that Kane’s belly button is going from “innie” to “outie” before our eyes
- After 2 more chokeslams Kane’s old mask appears on the Titan-tron and says some barely audible stuff
- Commercials
- Comcast commercial. Is there any reason that cable companies and satellite companies go after each other so nastily?
- There are political campaigns that aren’t as harsh
- This Week in Wrestling History
- Scott Hall appears on Monday Nitro for the first time, thus sparking the NWO angle
- Yes, it’s been 10 years. Feel old yet?
- Boy that was such a great angle in the beginning
- Torrie out
- W/ puppy
- I remember when she first appeared in WCW I thought “There can’t be a hotter woman alive”
- She’s still not bad
- To say the least
- Title match against Mickie
- If she and Mick Foley were a tag team they could be “The Micks”
- Come down dressed as leprechauns, the whole get-up
- Hey, wouldn’t be any worse than “The Fighting Irish”
- Mickie wins
- Crowd remains underwhelmed
- Trish out
- She can’t act
- My distain for women’s wrestling remains
- Can’t the all just look pretty and escort the men to the ring as God intended?
- Commercials
- As much as I distain women’s wrestling, I love Burger King’s commercials anymore
- Viscera in the ring as we come back
- He says he has big news
- So wait, we just get thrown into the whole Vis/Lillian relationship with no buildup
- Cuban guy interrupts, thank Allah
- Brings out Ungawa to face Vis
- Oh, my mistake. Just a setup for a feud
- If one person buys the next PPV just for this match I’ll stroll naked across the Clemente Bridge to the MLB All-Star Game in July
- Kane’s fellow wrestlers talk about his movie
- A less easily impressed bunch of people I’ve never seen
- Spirit Squad backstage
- Threaten HHH, who I’m sure’ll make a #### joke in a couple of minutes
- Oh well, wrong for the first time tonite
- Commercials
- One Night Stand
- Miami Vice: The Movie
- Featuring “The Guy Who Likes Naked Basketball” and “The Dude Who’s Probably Getting Laid Right Now”
I guess I should always mention before hand that this is a recap of what happened during Monday Night Raw on, um, Monday. I watch it once, type or write what I'm thinking, and then I'm done. Usually takes a couple of hours, or about as long as the show. So if you didn't watch the show, or don't follow wrestling in general, this probably isn't for you, go away.
So without further ado, let's get started
- Law and Order ends, Fonz played an abusive husband
- “You don’t tell anyone what goes on here Cun-ing-ham or I’ll lock youz in the closet again…ayyyy!”
- Oh wait, that was “Happy Days moves to Massachusetts when-they-legalize-the-whole-####-thing”
- Raw opening, which sounds disgusting as I type it
- Piper shown on bagpipes, Tito Santana shown shoving 15 family members in a car, and SD Jones shown passing a gang initiation.
- Okay, I made the last 2 up, but of course it’s not bad when you stereotype the Irish
- Recap of last week’s title match, featuring 20 year old Kenny
- Opening, part II
- We are live from the Los Angeles Pond of Anaheim.
- JR’s back announcing
- So wait, wasn’t he fired? Did he fill out all the necessary paperwork to get his job back? His W-4, his application for employment, his waiver agreeing to a drug test? I must know dammit. It’s leaving out minutiae like that that’s keeping the casual fan away
- Either that or their champion is such a joke that Jamie Kennedy’s character from “Malibu’s Most Wanted” looks at him and says “Dan, tone it down ####”
- Whichever
- Big show on the docket for tonight apparently
- Not the fat wrestler, but just a nice looking card for a free show
- HHH out first, he must be a good guy now cuz JR’s kissing his ####
- HHH says he came to Anaheim for one reason
- To find out what Lackey said to make Jason Kendall charge the mound last week
- No, to get the WWE title back
- Close enough
- Says he’s beaten everyone in that arena
- He either means in that ring or he’s in Anaheim more often than Charlie Sheen when he gets lost after getting high on peyote, or whatever Denise Richards says he does
- HHH calls out Cena
- Cena obliges
- Boos mixed with high pitched cheers.
- We know his fan-base ain’t big fat guys I guess, and really is that such a bad thing for him?
- Cena gets booed pretty loudly when he starts talking
- Cena: “You have 10 titles, the Yankees have like 26”
- Seeing how he’s from New England, if he ever goes back isn’t he subject to lethal injection talking about the Yankees in a good way
- “Cena sucks!” chant stops him cold mid-sentence
- Harsh, but not unfounded
- If you haven’t noticed I’m not the biggest Cena fan ever.
- Cena calls for a title match tonight
- “No chance…. That’s what ya got”
- Vince to the ring and announces there will be no title match tonight
- To be honest most male cheerleaders I’ve known weren’t ####, but the stereotype does live. And quite deservedly so I should add
- HHH calls Cena a poser
- So Cena “poses”
- God he sucks
- So it’s either a whiney #### (HHH) or a lame-#### wannabe, nice choices
- Vince sez HHH can have the night off
- JR: “Triple H wants to fight!” in a tone that made me laugh very hard for some reason
- Vince makes HBK/Cena vs. the Spirit Squad (all 5 of them) for tonight
- “Fatal 4 Way” IC title match right now though, or so Vince decrees
- RVD is the first one out
- Uh oh
- He’s talking
- He really does sound like Eugene, only without trying
- And it is really frustrating because he could be THE guy very easily if he could just cut a damn promo without conjuring images of Jimmy from South Park
- Arggh
- He talks about Joe E Styles’s comments last week and how he agrees with them
- Bet you didn’t see that coming
- The rest, well I’m not gonna lie, I fast forwarded through it. I’m sure I didn’t miss anything groundbreaking
- Pot does kill brain-cells kids
- Commercials
- “When a Stranger Calls” – starring not Selma Blair, but an incredible simulation
- RVD’s opponents: Haas, Masters, & Benjamin
- Generic 4 way stuff to start
- Commercials… already?
- X-Men 3, Hugh Jassman gets to work again
- WWE will be in Pittsburgh June 5th.
- What? You think I’m going? Hell no
- Announcers playing up the whole RVD/ECW thing
- Crowd seems dead, the action’s not bad though
- Haas has an armband that just says “Russ”
- Must be for his dad, Russ Haas
- Bet you didn’t know, Russ Haas was a boxer, Russ “No Mas” Haas
- Yes, I just made that up
- Masters gets the Masterlock on Haas
- RVD literally out of nowhere (camera-wise) with the pin on Masters
- Either crappy camera-work done good or very-much intentional
- Commercials
- “The blonde boy’s a losa!”
- Smackdown rundown
- Alls I know is Mark Henry cleanly pinned their Heavyweight champion
- Dour times all around
- Speaking of which, Luke Perry is shown in the crowd with kids, who I will have to assume are his
- After they plug his new show and take the camera off him he’ll be gone within 15 minutes
- With or without his kids. Hey he was Dylan, there ain’t no negligence laws for 90210 alums
- Billy Gibbons shown next in the crowd, looks about as good a gibbon #### these days.
- The man’s lived hard, I can give him a break
- Kane movie promo of the week
- Not only did these poor actors have to star in this crappy movie, now in the promotional materials they have to pretend that Kane’s a real guy.
- All you wannabe actors out there take note, that is your future
- If you’re lucky
- So are really stupid fans gonna go to the movie and ask “Who the hell Is Glen Jacobs?” when his credit comes up?
- I saw a wrestling writer whom I respect more than any other point out what I pointed out a week or so ago that Kane’s probably acting so pissed off about the May 19th date because it means he’s opening against “The Di Vinci Code. I suddenly felt like I was doing something right
- I mean, why don’t they just time travel back to 1996 and open against Independence Day?
- Generic Josh with Kane’s co-stars
- FFing again, can you really blame me?
- I guess May 19th was said a few times, cuz Kane attacks the black guy
- The black guy who I’m sure dies in the movie, I’ll bet anyone $100 on it
- Commercials
- USA: Characters Welcome
- Which is oddly enough the slogan of the Furries Association of America
- Google furries if you don’t understand
- Mr. Peepers (Carlito) out
- Is there anything “cool” about apples? Seriously
- Stryker out next, which around here is about the most appropriate name for a teacher gimmick you can get
- Not too far into the match and Eugene attacks Stryker DQing Carlito
- Carlito gives Eugene his unique backbreaker in response, in a skeay way that the crowd just isn’t sure how to react to
- You can’t just beat up a #### and get cheered, I learned that in 4th grade
- Commercials
- If I’m Dwayne Wade I’m a little upset that Ben Wallace and Vince Carter are pretty much 1 and 1a in that Gatorade Rain (or whatever) commercial, with Wade himself being like 4th behind the guy guarding Carter
- He brings out Tommy Dreamer (huh?) for a hardcore triple threat match
- The crowd reacts like Foley just beat up a ####, (ie they aren’t sure what to think either really)
- Foley turns on Dreamer (huh?..... again)
- The announcers are a tad slow in catching on to the turn
- So does this effectively kill the ECW angle before it starts by making Dreamer out to be a complete ####? Or does it start it off well? I guess we’ll find out
- Commercials
- Poseidon
- Using the “black guys don’t stand a chance in these types of movies” corollary Andre Braugher doesn’t stand a chance
- Recap of moments ago
- Chick match next
- Maria out with Trish
- Maria gets destroyed by Mickie
- Trish tries to fight even though she only has one arm
- Doesn’t work so well
- Some blonde chick saves Trish
- I never care enough to keep track sadly
- Wreckless Intent CD, featuring Oscar winners Three 6 Mafia
- John Stewart was right, that does sound weird
- Cuban guy in the ring
- Asks tonight’s victim if he has health insurance
- To which the guy replies “I work for the WWE, they won’t even give us gas money”
- Oh it’s true, it’s true
- Umaga fights 2 losers, kills them both
- Again I’ll say it, I’d like to see him still doing the same moves once he starts fighting the HHH’s and HBK’s of the world
- Commercials
- Again the Just for Men commercial that ends with Hernandez and Frazier hanging outside the door of a couple who are clearly doing it is shown
- Why would they even show that last shot?
- Kane out
- May 19th has come and gone for almost 10 year since he’s shown up, and this hasn’t come up yet? C’mon
- Big Show out next
- I remember when they sent him down to OVW (the minor league of the WWE) for being too fat. That was about 100 lbs ago
- Kane and Show pound fists to start
- Simple wrestling move by Show and he’s very winded
- More wrestling moves by both guys
- Well done moves by both, but just veeeerrrryyyyy sllooooowwwwww
- Proves why bigger guys should just stick with power moves, this match would put Dave Attell to sleep
- Voices come over the PA system, saying stuff about May 19th
- Using logic, since it was God who did all the pyro stuff the previous weeks, it must be him doing this to Kane.
- God doesn’t put people over
- Kane beats Show with a chair, a lot
- SS getting pumped backstage
- Seeds for a breakup are planted, subtly
- Commercials
- Judgment Day? Judgment is, I ain’t getting it
- This Week in Wrestling History, the first Saturday Night’s Main Event
- It touts the “strong relationship” between the WWE and NBC
- So long as Vince still has nude photos of #### Ebersol with OJ Simpson it will remain strong
- Lemmy (of Motorhead (of HHH theme song fame) fame) shown in the crowd
- Wait, there’s gonna be another Saturday Night’s Main Event after the last ratings debacle?
- I guess there was more than one week of the XFL
- Anyway, where does Mitch get off not having a Y at the end of his name like the rest of the cheerleaders. It’s like hockey player nicknames, they have to end in Y
- SS all in the ring, the middle one’s mouth makes it look like he had a stroke
- JR’s kid?
- It would explain the huge push
- HBK out next, 50 years old and he still has the same music
- Cena out next
- Chain gang
- Puh
- Pfaw
- And furthermore
- Feh
-More talking up of Kenny, er, 20 year old Kenny
- Cool spot where HBK and Cena throw 20 year old Kenny over the ropes onto the other SS members
- Commercials
- Law and Order: CI next. Pyle’s much more annoying as a smart guy
- King and JR call Cena a controversial champion
- If by controversial they mean half think he’s a joke and the other half are female, under 10, and/or ####, then yes
- Cena in trouble
- Continues to be in trouble for awhile
- Cena chant?
- The hell? Earlier it was “Cena sucks”
- Whatever
- Just make up your minds dammit
- Fat guy in a Jerome Bettis jersey shown in the crowd
- Hey, maybe it is Bettis, he doesn’t have much better to do
- SS continues with the offense
- HBK tagged in cleans house
- HBK has trouble with the kip-up, getting old’s a ####
- HBK hit with tag belt, loses
- 20 year old Kenny Delmon Young’s the ref and takes his belt
- He whips HBK with it, a lot
- HHH run-in in 3….2….1
- Hey, I was only off by a few seconds
- Cena back in also, he and HHH get rid of the Squad
I recently saw someone comment that wrestling fans were "the bottom of the bucket of society". I beg to differ. Wrestling fans can be anything from drunk ####, to fat women, to super nerds, to #### men. And.... really nothing in between. Which I am I'll leave you to figure out for yourself.
Anyway, I didn't proofread this at all, find all the mistakes and win a free coke!
- Law and Order ends
- The blonde DA looks vaguely like the 2 very good looking blonde teachers who slept with their preteen students in the past year or so. The one was so white trashy that she was planning on taking Nancy Kerrigan’s other knee out
- But they is hot, which makes them automatically better than normal people
- Anyway
- Opening, if you combined Andre the Giant and Edge you’d have about 100 of the biggest damn teeth you’ve ever seen
- Backlash was last night? I’ll be damned, and not out $30
- Vince talks about last night’s match
- Apparently Vince put himself over God, I can’t say I’m surprised
- The Spirit Squad are your guest GMs for tonite
- Vince looks uncomfortable
- First match the make is “20 year old” Kenny vs. John Cena
- I’m not sure why they mentioned his age other than to make me feel old
- After some general annoyances by the SS we go to
- Opening 2
- We are live from Columbus, Ohio tonite. Home of Steelers 1st round pick Santonio Holmes.
- Well, it’s not his home, once classes are over he’s outta there like anyone else who lives in Columbus for any period of time
- Mickie’s her tag team partner, also in a cheerleader outfit
- Does this make her so fine? So fine she’ll blow my mind?
- They show footage of last night’s shoulder separation by Trish
- They needed to show more footage of her outfit
- Yummy
- And with her bum arm you can do things with it and she won’t even know
- It’s like “the stranger” but with someone else’s hand
- Look it up, I can’t explain it on here
- Maria has a small head
- Torrie and Maria dominate
- Stink face by Torrie
- Tuna face?
- Hunker down, we’re just getting started
- Bronco buster on one of the chicks by Maria
- Trish out with bum shoulder and costs Mickie the match
- Mickie looking confused as we go to
- Commercials
- Keith Hernandez shows how to woo the ladies as only he can
- And he and Walt Frazier listening in on people having sex at the end of the commercial
- That’s…. kinda creepy
- SS out
- One of the SS talks about something
- The bring out “The Odd Squad”
- That is: Eugene, Goldust, and GoddamitIcanneverrememberhisname
- Eugene and Matt Stryker are gonna be feuding apparently
- Tony Schiavone once sarcastically said “Yeah, that’ll put butts in the seats” about Mick Foley winning the WWE(F) title. Too bad he’s not still around to say the same thing about that fued, at least it would have been well placed sarcasm
- Vince is watching backstage
- An arm hands him a drink
- It’s Candace
- She’s looking better than usual tonight
- Which is a compliment
- SS dominates Eugene
- Wait, the SS can be interchangeable tag-team champions?
- That doesn’t seem right
- Where’d they dig Dustin Runnels up from?
- Oh right, it’s Snitsky
- I always want to call him Heidenriech
- Rock Bottom by Eugene, who wins the award for “Most inexplicably pushed gimmick ever”.
- Well, until the Spirit Squad anyway
- Snitsky in and cleans house
- Eugene loses to a kick in the face
- Well, he’s not getting pushed anymore
- Clips of the Foley/Edge match from WM precludes Edge interviewing Foley tonight
- Commercials
- Season Finale of Nashville Star
- So there go 95% of the Raw commercials
- During the commercials Mickie beat up Maria
- Seems as though the guy who edits Raw was asleep at the wheel there
- Yeah, I know it’s live so it doesn’t have an editor, but that seemed awfully disjointed
- Eugene interviewed
- Gets beat up by Stryker
- I’m just gonna ignore the fact that that’s going on
- WWE 24/7 This Week in Wrestling History
- Literally, as they flashback to last night’s Backlash
- Oh, yeah, Vince narration just bragging up the fact that he beat HBK and God
- Nice bump taken by Vince
- “The Father, the son, and the Holy Spirit Squad”
- Hah, that’s pretty good actually
- Spirit Squad tells HBK he’ll be reffing the match between Conway and Kane
- Someone makes a clucking sound, and I don’t think it was Terry Taylor
- They give HBK a yellow ref shirt with May 19th written all over it
- Big Show reassures HBK as we go to
- Commercials
- Poseidon, which really is just the same movie as the one from the 70s
- Couldn’t they have at least made it a plane that was flying upside-down?
- Styles and King talk about Kane/Show match from last night
- May 19th is the prevailing theme, with voices haunting Kane about it
- Maybe it’s the voices telling Kane how pissed he should be that they have his movie opening up against “The Da Vinci Code”
- I mean “See No Evil” was only on the New York Times Bestseller list for 40 weeks
- HBK (w/ custom made shirt) out
- Rob Conway next
- Is he still French?
- HBK gives Conway a low-blow
- Puts May 19th shirt on Conway
- Clev-er
- Kane out
- I think it’s safe to say this won’t take long
- Kane does a good intense, I’ll give him that
- Conway trying to escape through the crowd, HBK stops him
- Or “Remember when Nic Cage and Travolta were still relevant?”
- Still shots from the IC match
- Masters out
- Apparently Carlito beat him
- Masters takes 10 minutes to get to the ring
- He says Carlito cheated
- Talks about RVD
- Uh oh, if they’re gonna feud will they have a “Who sounds more retarded when they speak match”?
- “Didneyland!!”
- Masterlock challenge
- RVD chant
- Masterlock put on, but Benjamin comes out and starts punching RVD while he’s in the lock
- Carlito with the chair makes the save
- SS member (whichever) comes out and says, er, cheers that there will be a tag match between the 4 tonite.
- You can guess the sides I’m sure
- Commercials
- Flipping I come across a commercial for “Over the Hedge”. It’s an animated movie that stars Bruce Willis as a raccoon who dates hot female raccoons half his age while loser wrestling recapping raccoons curse him under their breath.
- Match in progress as we come back
- Vince and Candace shown again
- Nice amount of cleavage, but too much old person
- Someone hands Styles a note
- SS wants to see him for whatever-odd reason
- I think Styles’s days are numbered
- I’m not reading about backstage stuff, but this kind of smacks of a way to get rid of him, I mean JR was calling matches last night
- Minutes are numbered
- Of course, I’ve been wrong before
- King on play-by-play
- Does a competent, if underwhelming job
- Back and forth match
- Shelton with a chair
- Charlie Haas takes the chair, and Carlito gets the 3
- Smackdown Rebound
- Rey Jr. vs. Kurtis Angle
- I wonder if ReyRey marched today, he needs to show his buddy Juvi some support now that he’s probably working for 10 cents an hour somewhere
- Mark Henry attacks Kurt Angle?
- Okay, whatever
- SS with Styles
- SS says Styles has no spirit
- They tell him to get with the spirit program or he’ll have to wear a cheerleading outfit next week
- Styles at the moment is thinking “Just count the money, just count the money”
- Commercials, not a moment too soon
- See No Evil promo
- Does have a creepy feel to it
- Producer Joel Simon also produced “Looney Tunes: Back in Action”, “The In-Laws” remake, and “Wild, Wild, West”. So this movie really has n no chance of being any good
- But it will look good
- Styles back
- King laughs at him more, saying that if he were in ECW he’d be showing spirit
- Styles: “If I were in ECW, I wouldn’t be working with a hack like you”
- Oh my
- Joel Gertner wasn’t a hack?
- Well, well, well
- King commends Joey showing some spirit
- Joey gives him a girly little shove
- And another
- King laughing, as anyone outside of a 6th grade girl would
- Joey with a slap (!)
- King sneezes and sends Styles flying
- Styles leaves
- ECW chant
- I remember when you had to go through at least 5 tables to get that chant, how times have changed
- Commercials
- Burger King is cool
- Replay of what just transpired with Joey and King
- King apologizes to Joey, sounds sincere enough
- Joey out
- Says he’s gonna shoot (ie, go off script)
- And contradicts himself instantly by going with the story hat JR got fired
- Oh well
- Calls out McMahon
- This is actually a nice subtle thing cuz he was acting a little uncomfortable during McMahon’s segments with Candace, and mockingly referred to “sports entertainment” earlier. Well done
- He quits
- King: “We brought Joey Styles up from the gutter, and it looks like he just got homesick”
- Heh, I laughed
- HHH has a new Motorhead song
- Lemmy’s mole actually sings backup in this one
- Commercials
- Lots of Oxy commercials tonite, are they trying to tell us something?
- King is now joined by Todd Somethingorother
- King repeats his gutter line
- 2nd time wasn’t as funny
- Styles questions the dignity of the Spirit Squad?
- Kenny must be in line for a big push cuz they keep saying over, and over, and over, that he’s 20 years old
- Cena out to a surprising about of cheers
- Cena has stigmata of the forehead. Wouldn’t that make him King of Kings?
- Cena not surprisingly with the edge, but HHH stops that
- SS interfering
- 20 year Old Kenny gets some offense
- If this is an audition for Josh to be the new play by play guy he’s blowing it
- It’s kind of a shame they’re male cheerleaders and all, cuz they all seem to have some talent and/or charisma
- Of course, Steve Austin was a Hollywood Blonde
- 20 Year Old Kenny admonishes HHH’s reffing skills and gets Pedigreed
Okay, so they automatically make it so you don't accept comments? That's kinda stupid. So because I'm nothing if not petty I'm posting this again, just so I can read people telling me I suck
Boy, you go away from the Internet Wrestling Community for, well, years and years, and you miss all sorts of juicy stuff.
Getting myself caught up a little bit on backstage goings on I find out some of the following.
- There’s a drug testing policy in place now, which includes steroids. Not sure what exactly brought it about, but it’s about time really. Of course because of this they should cut back on house shows by at least half. Notice I said “should” and not “will”. This may also explain why HHH seems to have swallowed a volleyball recently.
- Vince got caught harassing some chick in a tanning salon. Which apparently happens all the time, it’s just none of the chicks normally do anything about it
- HHH was caught in a, compromising position we’ll call it, with Kristy Hemme. Which would explain why she hasn’t been seen in months, but wouldn’t explain why HHH is still alive. You could say he was caught red handed, depending on where his hand was at the time (oooh).
So with that new knowledge I go into tonite’s show with a new found sense of non-ignorance.
- If he were to team up with the tag team PG-13, Goldust (G), and Bart and Billy’s long lost brother Peter Gunn (PG), you could have the MPAA.
- Edge talks about the upcoming triple threat match at, um, No Way Out I think it’s gonna be
- After talking smack a bit HHH comes out
- Hopefully HHH will make fun of Edge’s stupid looking hat
- Says Edge’s 3 week title reign means Edge must not last that long at other endeavors
- Suggests new nickname “The Premature Superstar”
- Better than the “Not Getting Any at All Superstar” I suppose
- Verbal back and forth between the 2
- Nothing of note really
- Cena’s name draws boos
- I’m so proud of Britain now, I almost forgive them for the whole tea tax thing
- Almost
- Cena’s music on, and again it sounds like half cheers and half boos
- Cena out and knocks HHH out of the ring, HHH on the way back into the ring in until….
- The Spirit Squad comes out
- Another thing I found out in my foray back into the internet wrestling community is that one of the Spirit Squaders (I forget which) was a tremendous bad guy champion in OVW (The WWE’s minor league), had the attitude, moves, the whole package. And now he’s a male cheerleader and the joke of RAW. Again, why anyone would want to be a pro-wrestler is beyond me.
- One of the SS (SS? Does Goldberg know about this?) starts a cheer that informs Cena/Edge/HHH that there will be a 5 on 3 match later tonite. You can guess the sides probably
- Commercials
- Hoot, not a documentary about Hooters, unfortunately
- Just for Men Rewind. So ladies, leave the room
- Carlito gets blindsided by Chris Masters, who either is naturally that big, has a whizzenator, or Vince just likes him too much to care if he’s roided up or not
- Masters is out, he’s the Lex Luger of the new millennium, hopefully he won’t kill the Elizabeth of the new millennium (allegedly)
- Matt Stryker out next, in a spiffy sweater vest, he’ll get pinned I guarantee it
- Shelton Benjamin out last, must be a 3 man tag.
- They go up against Carlito, Charlie Haas, and RVD. Combine the 3 and you’d have the next big superstar. By themselves they just don’t have it
- I think RVD hurt himself doing one of his flipping-outside-the-ring moves, typical. You’d think he played for the Pirates
- Commercials
- M&Ms have sex with a candy bar in the backseat of a car. At least I think that’s what they were going for
- S&Ms?
- We’re back, with RVD in a Masters bearhug
- I’ve never seen anyone wear peach shorts before. And hopefully I never will again
- Haas tagged in and cleans haas (as we say in Pittsburgh)
- Okay fine, I was wrong Benjamin gets pinned. Wouldn’t be the first time I’m wrong
- Later: Bikini contest
- Commercials
- Da Vinci Code, the movie that says Jesus has a baby with a prostitute, and the biggest complaint is Tom Hanks’s hair. And I can’t say I disagree
- Back, Josh Matthews (or Matthew Josh) interviews Vince about the supernatural happenings last week
- Vince says they were just coincidences, that the pyro guy explained to him what happened and apologized profusely. He accepted his apology, and fired him
- Hopefully he did it in his over-emoting “YOOOOUUUU’REEE FIIRRRREED!!! “ way he does.
- Vince claims God isn’t there tonite
- Says he stopped watching after The Rock left just like everyone else
- Torrie getting ready
- Kane getting ready, Show confronts him. They do their classic “Who’s on May 19th” Routine
- Show gets beaten up, starts yelling about his eye, which is bleeding. Cross promotion with the Jake Roberts DVD that’s coming out. Synergy thy name is Mcmahon
- Commercials
- The 4400, or, how many white women has Sheldon Benjamin slept with since starting in the WWE
- Coach is in the ring as we return
- Bikini contest time
- In order of coming out, Candace (butterface), Maria (####), Victoria (man), Torrie (um? I’d say “married a Jewish guy”, but that’d be offensive).
- Nothing of note, except I may’ve been a little hard on Victoria.
- I’d be harder on her, but…. Well nevermind
- Maria is also super-duper hot. In the words of comedian Nick Dipalo (whose name I’m sure I just misspelled) “I’d f her brains back in”
- Crowd gets to cheer for their favorite, or favourites in their backwards-#### country
- Coach gets to choose winner however
- Chooses Candace
- Coach lets her know her prize
- She gets to make out with the Coach
- Viscera out
- For what Earthly reason I have no idea
- Oh right, cuz he’s the Barry White of the WWE. That’s Barry White now, not in the 70s
- After making what seems like a veiled sexual threat to Coach he clobbers him.
- Candace approves
- They make out, which will probably haunt my nightmares tonite
- No idea where they’re going with that
- Commercials
- Remember when Robin Williams was considered funny? Yeah, I don’t either
- I’m lying, I loved the guy when I was younger, kind of a shame to see him like this
- Recap of the Shane – HBK semi-fued
- Before Lillian can introduce anyone Vince comes out
- Sign in the crowd: “McMahon is a Cult”
- What?
- Vince introduces Shane
- Should his nickname really be the Heartbreak Kid anymore? He’s like 40, no joke. How about the Heart-Healthy Middle-ager? That connotes good things doesn’t it? And it’s honest, and isn’t that what the pro-wrestling industry is all about? Honesty
- If history holds serve Shane will take a huge bump that could very well kill him
- Well, maybe not tonite, it’s not a PPV
- Shane-O in control
- O
- Shane misses a moonsault
- See, if it had been a PPV that moonsault would have been at least from the top of the Titantron
- HHMA with the comeback
- Hits the flying elbow
- Goes for chin music
- But of course goes right to where Vince can pull him out of the ring
- Go figure
- HBK sets Vince up on the announce table
- Before HBK can do anything though Shane low blows him
- Eww
- That’s not how I meant it
- Anyway, Vince and Shane set HBK up on the table
- Elbow from the top turnbuckle through the announce table onto HBK
- Yeah, that’s kind of what I was talking about
- Vince “God has abandoned you!!”
- And I believe the New York Times said God was dead
- Yeah, a reference to an Elton John song in a wrestling column. If that were any ####er I’d actually be rooting for John Cena
- Oh, the PPV is Backlash, there’re too damn many of these things
- Commercials
- Aeon Flux on DVD. The only way it could have made less money in the theaters would have been if Madonna played Aeon. Or Sharon Stone
- During the commercial HBK limped to the back
- Thanks for sharing, that sure was important
- Announcers talk up the Backlash card
- Replay of Kane going for Shows eye
- Oh right, cuz in Kane’s movie he tears out people’s eyeballs. Does Allen Ray have a role in the movie somewhere?
- They show footage of the movie in question’s makers talking it up like it’s as important as Night of the Living Dead. The original
- See No Evil, so do Gene Wilder as a deaf guy and Richard Pryor as a blind guy have cameos in it?
- He’s dead you say?
- Guess not
- Sign in the crowd that made me laugh “H ungry H ungry H ippo” vertically. As in, HHH is fat now
- Backstage with Cena and Edge
- Still lots of boos for Cena still.
- Commercials
- So wait, on Nashville Star Ashley Judd gives her mom a lifetime achievement award? Is it an award show or a singing contest? And Velvet Revolver are guest judges? I’m an easily confused person normally, so this stuff doesn’t help
- How can the WWE expect to do the touring schedule they do and not expect their wrestlers to at least be on coke? Seriously, it’s brutal
- Chewbacca comes out, or whatever his name is
- He gets to beat up a limey
- Styles sells a simple body slam like Umaga just tossed the guy off of Big Ben. But in fairness, look at what he has to work with
- Damn, nice brutal move where he basically ####s him off the stairs
- The guy’s gimmick may be stupider than Vince Young during a wonderlic test, but he works a nice stiff style
- Stiff as in is looks painful
- I’m sure it won’t last once he starts wrestling more established guys, but for now it looks good
- Ric Flair comes out, and cleans house
- For that 30 second appearance he just probably made $30,000. I guess once you establish yourself it’s not so bad, I guess
- Lita talks with HHH about tonite’s match
- Says Edge will work with him
- Is it smart for HHH and a redhead to be alone together? Or Lita and any other man? It’s a recipe for disaster
- HHH steals my 5 on 1 joke from last week.
- Well, where else would he have gotten it?
- Commercials
- Anti-prescription drug abuse commercial shows kids useful ways to get said drugs.
- Mickie out, not looking like Trish
- She has belly-dancerish clothes on
- She’s come to terms with who she is.
- Says she’s better than Trish, and who can argue?
- Well, Trish can, and will
- Trish still dressed like Mickie
- To be honest I fast forwarded through the rest, women aren’t any good at anything athletic and I stand by that
- Commercials
- Steven Segal in “The Foreigner 2: Feels Like the First Time….I’ve Killed”
- Spirit Squad out
- Edge out first, then HHH, then Cena
- And my tape runs out
- According to WWE.com HHH and Cena beat on each other while Edge just walked away. Makes sense
Till next time, keep your eye out for another column from me, or Kane’s take it out for you.
I'm Travis. I'm a born and raised Pittsburgher, although I'm only now starting to pick up the accent. Like many Pittsburghers I can pick out which famous people are from Pittsburgh (especially athletes, cuz outside of Michael Keaton that's about it around here) and mention it to anyone I think doesn't know. Which usually results in a "Um, who the hell cares?" I'm a fan of all Pittsburgh teams, and the Penguins are probably my favorite, mostly because they're the only team that's won anything since I've been alive (1981). (Update, Steelers won the Super Bowl, duh) Other hobbies include movies, TV, travel, and general milling around.
