With Hall of Fame Weekend coming next weekend I figured it would be appropriate to repost this piece from last year. There may be a new one for this year, but you try thinking of something funny about Gene Hickerson.
When John Madden made his Hall of Fame induction speech, he
mentioned how he believed the busts in Canton
would speak to each other once everyone was gone for the night. While this may
come across as the ramblings o####uy who’s mistaken paint thinner for vodka
once too often, he’s right. The busts in Canton
do speak with each other, and here’s how the conversation went the night the
new busts were put in the hall.
(Door to the Hall of Fame is closed for the night by the janitor)
Art Donovan: Okay guys, all’s clear!
George Halas: (addressing the Class of ’06 busts) So I see
we have some new members here this evening, welcome guys.
‘06 Busts (simultaneously): Thanks!
Wellington
Mara: So why’re you guys in here? What’re your qualifications
Troy Aikman: Well, I won 3 Super Bowls with the help of the
best offensive line in league history, the NFL's all-time leading rusher, and a wide
receiver who made the Pro-Bowl 5 times in 9 seasons. So of course I deserve all
the credit
Wellington
Mara: I see, how about you sir
John Madden: I have the best winning percentage of any coach
who has coached 100 games or more. I was the best announcer in football for
many years, and my EA Sports football games have given me street cred with the
brothas out the wazoo. Right Jim?
Jim Brown: Word
John Madden: ….and I did win one Super Bowl, and it would
have been more had it not been for someone’s lucky-#### play
(The Chuck Noll and Franco Harris busts both start giggling
uncontrollably)
John Madden: Yeah in fact I’d just like to complain a little
more about how I only won one Super Bowl…
Dan Marino, Marv Levy, Barry Sanders: (at the same time)
Shaddup!
John Madden: Okay, okay, I’m done
Art Rooney: Thank you John, even your bust smells terrible.
(to Warren Moon) How about you son?
Warren Moon: I have almost 50,000 passing yards and close
too 300 TDs spanning over 17 NFL seasons. Plus I won 4 Grey Cups in the CFL.
Art Rooney: The what?
Warren Moon: …um, the Canadian Football League. The place
where people who can’t make it in America go to make a living.
Art Rooney: Wouldn’t that be just called Canada?
Warren Moon: Well, I suppose, but this was in football pads
Art Rooney: I see, I see. Didn’t you also beat your wife
like a prisoner at Gitmo?
Warren:
(hemming and hawing) …okay fine, I did. But I’m not the only one with off-field
transgressions in here. Hell, Lawrence Taylor’s nose is bleeding right now, and
he’s made of bronze.
LT: Hey! I’d wipe my nose, but I don’t have any hands
Sammy Baugh: Enough! Come on now guys, (speaking to Reggie
White) what about you? Why’re you here?
Reggie White: I’m the best defensive end in the history of
the NFL period. With that and the fact that I died recently, you could’ve had a
Hall of Fame voting panel of Satanist #### members and they couldn’t have kept
me out.
Deacon Jones: Hold on there a minute kid…. The best
defensive end ever? I beg to differ, and if you say it again we’re gonna have
to get some flowers from Merlin cuz I’m gonna kill you all over again!
Merlin Olsen: Hey! Leave me out of this
Reggie White: Settle down Deacon, let me get done saying my
piece and we can talk about he time you were in “The Thing with Two Heads”
Reggie White: Whatever, you all never won anything so who
cares?
Deacon Jones: With your ####-phobic,
anti-every-race-but-your-own rants towards the end of your life you may feel
more at home in the Baseball Hall of Fame. You and Ty Cobb would look real nice
side by side
Reggie White: Don’t make me go Zidane on you!!
Deacon Jones: What’re you talking about? You can
only go Zidane on me!
Reggie White: Why you……!!
(Reggie inches off his stand and sloooowwwwlly charges
toward Deacon)
Deacon Jones: Bring it on. I can’t do my head slap like
this, but I can still kick some skull base.
Paul Brown: Gentlemen please!!! Settle down or we’ll put
Irvin’s bust next to you when he gets inducted
Deacon and Reggie: (simultaneously) Sorry
Paul Brown: Although, that reminds me of a joke. A deacon
and a minister walk into a bar. I can’t remember the middle but the end
involves a whip and nacho cheese. Anyway, (looking at Harry Carson) what about
you?
Harry Carson: I played in 9 Pro Bowls in 13 seasons. I was
the sober yin to LT’s raging yang. I am a Super Bowl champion, if you couldn’t
tell from me basically wearing a “Look at this” sign pointing right to my
championship ring during my speech. And I played in New York, which counts for
more than 4 Grey Cups I would think
(All other busts murmur to each other in agreement)
Bronko Nagurski: Well, last is you Mr. Wright, why’re you
here
Rayfield Wright: I was a 6 time Pro Bowler, a member of the
official All-70s NFL team. I played in 5 Super Bowls and won 2. And, um, I was
a tackle, we don’t really have stats or anything so I can’t really explain it
fully.
Curly Lambeau: Okay, any other matters of business?
All: No
Curly Lambeau: Okay, tomorrow is our monthly karaoke
competition. Mike Ditka singing Journey vs. Chuck Noll singing Metallica
SI has issued its annual listing of the highest earning
athletes from the previous year. Now you may be thinking “Holy hell, how can
these people sleep at night making 1000 times more than me for playing a kids
game and pretending that they like Gatorade?” Well, as Rainier Wolfcastle once
opined, they sleep “on top of a pile of money, with many beautiful women”. Hey,
if your business made as much money as the NBA, NFL, MLB, and even the PGA do
you’d be getting paid insane amounts of money too. You lazy jerks. Anyway, here
are the top 25 highest earners from the past year, complete with their earnings
and snarky comments by me.
25. Jason Kidd
Base Salary/Compensation: $18,084,000 Endorsements: $1,500,000
Somewhere Joumana Kidd is on her knees thanking God that she
and Jason ran into each other at that Cal
kegger more than a decade ago. At least I’m assuming that’s how the soon to be
ex-Mrs. Jason Kidd met her meal ticke….. husband. All I know is that half of
$19,584,000 can buy an awful lot of tracking devices and Prozac. Look for Kidd
to be dealt by the Nets sometime in the near future, most likely to the Knicks
for a 1st round pick and Eddie Curry. (That’s a joke, some people
may not be able to tell the difference by now with Isaiah)
24. Michael Vick
Base Salary/Compensation: $13,000,000 Endorsements: $7,000,000
Expect that second figure to go down juuuuuust a tad next
year if things don’t start turning around for Mr. Vick. Hell, if things get any
worse you’ll see Pac Man Jones shilling for McDonalds before you see Vick in a
commercial (Maybe he can make it McFlurry?).
23. Vince Carter
Base Salary/Compensation: $15,101,625 Endorsements: $5,000,000
Things have been really looking up for Vince since he’s been
getting paid in US dollars. And of course he also has his degree from UNC to
fall back on should he go nuts and lose all his money investing in satellite
radio stock.
22. Michelle Wie
Base Salary/Compensation: $735,224 Endorsements: $19,500,000
The first example of the “If you’re smart you’ll buy your
kid(s) golf clubs” phenomenon. Forget the fact that she’s making that much in
endorsements and I can’t tell you a single thing she endorses….. look at how
much a golfer who doesn’t even play in every tourney and doesn’t make a single cut
earns. I’m sure somehow the exemptions she gets to appear in tourneys is
factored in somehow, but holy #### either way
21. Floyd Mayweather Jr.
Base Salary/Compensation: $20,000,000 Endorsements: $250,000
Got paid $20,000,000 for one fight and got to punch the guy
paying him the money in the face the entire time. What a great way to make a
living. His endorsements would have been lower but he was paid $100,000 by
“Loco Philippe’s Casa De Sombreros” to wear their apparel to the ring
20. Manny Ramirez
Base Salary/Compensation: $18,000,000 Endorsements: $2,500,000
With all the money he’s making and his fairly eccentric
personality I’m going to guess now that Manny’s retirement years are going to
be a something like a Howard Hughes and/or Michael Jackson. You know, without
all the pedophilia and homosexuality. Or maybe with it, he’ll have enough money
19. Michael Finley
Base Salary/Compensation: $20,154,625 Endorsements: $500,000
Hey, who does San
Antonio pay more money to; the guy who’s led them to 3
(soon to be 4) titles and is the preeminent power forward of his generation in
his prime? Or their 7th man? If you said the latter you’re very
good. Michael Finley makes roughly $1,000,000 per minute played per game.
18. Tim Duncan
Base Salary/Compensation: $17,429,672 Endorsements: $3,500,000
Speaking of Mr. Underpaid, he does make more money overall
than Michael Finley. This is due to his lucrative endorsement deal with the
generic cereals on the bottom shelves in grocery stores. Mmmmm, plain white
rice puffs.
17. Jason Giambi
Base Salary/Compensation: $21,500,000 Endorsements: $500,000
The first signing in the Yankees wildly successful “Let’s
throw way too much money at the best free agent every off-season, and then also
take on other teams’ huge salaries along the way too” strategy they’ve employed
since 2002. The final 2 years of his contract (approx. $50 million) could be
voided by the Yankees due to his recent pseudo-admission of steroid use. For
$50 million you’d think he’d be able to find someone who’d surgically remove
his voice-box. Or have someone follow him around and say “He jost kidding!”
after everything he says like that one Fred Armisen SNL character
16. Jeff Gordon
Base Salary/Compensation: $7,471,444 Endorsements: $15,000,000
You’d think that the fact that every square inch of their
clothing and cars are covered in ads would mean that NASCAR Drivers would make
more than $15,000,000 in endorsements. If I’m gonna be called the “Rainbow
Warrior” I want at least $10,000,000 for that alone. No word on how much of his
money is made on deposits of beer cans that are thrown at him during any given
race.
15. Roger Clemens
Base Salary/Compensation: $19,000,000 Endorsements: $3,500,000
Clemens’ salary before prorating was $28,000,022, the final
22 is thrown in because it is his uniform number. He is very symbolic; every
one of his children’s names begins with K, which for some reason stands for
strikeout. He wanted to have 20 children to symbolize the highest number of
strikeouts he’s had in a game, but his wife threatened to cut his “Little
Rocket” off before that ever happened.
14. Barry Bonds
Base Salary/Compensation: $20,800,000 Endorsements: $2,000,000
“Now, who can we get to endorse our product? We need someone
everyone hates, with scandal surrounding him at every turn, an attitude sure to
give our advertising department nightmares, someone that’ll be sure to give our
product a bad name. I know! Barry Bonds is our man”
“Great idea Bizarro Warren Buffett. Should I call Mark Cuban
about that football league idea you’ve been kicking around too?”
“Sure, why not?”
At least I’m assuming that’s how anyone can explain how he
makes any money in endorsements.
13. Tracy McGrady
Base Salary/Compensation: $16,901,500 Endorsements: $6,000,000
According to SI Tracy loves lasagna. So he’s like Garfield in the sense
that they both have a love of lasagna, big lazy looking eyes, make more money
than 70% of the population every time they ####, and have both won the exact
same numbers of playoff series. And I’m pretty sure McGrady likes to kick dogs
off of tables too, which would make him better than his teammate Yao who likes to eat…..
ah nevermind.
12. Peyton Manning
Base Salary/Compensation: $10,000,000 Endorsements: $13,000,000
But he’d give it all up for a Super Bowl ring. Oh wait, that
happened….. okay he’d give it all up for 5 minutes of his face in Adriana
Lima’s breasts.
11. Allen Iverson
Base Salary/Compensation: $17,184,375 Endorsements: $7,000,000
All the money AI’s made will come in handy when he needs a
bionic body after the beating he’s taken over the years. Considering inflation
he’ll be “The Roughly $56,984,354 Man”
10. Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Base Salary/Compensation: $7,111,735 Endorsements: $20,000,000
He puts the Earn in Earnhardt. And the Dale in
OverexposedDale. Also, if his name was Gus Witworth or something besides Most
Famous NASCAR Driver Ever Jr I think his earning potential might be a bit
lower. But hey, what do I know about NASCAR?
9. Alex Rodriguez
Base Salary/Compensation: $22,000,000 Endorsements: $6,000,000
Most of A-Rod’s salary stems from the fact that he gets a
nickel every time ESPN or some media outlet runs a stupid innocuous story about
him. This latest “yelling” incident involving the Blue Jays made him at least
$4,500,000 more yesterday alone.
8. Derek Jeter
Base Salary/Compensation: $22,000,000 Endorsements: $7,000,000
So wait, all that fuss was made about A-Rod getting a contract for $252
million, and yet Jeter makes just as much per season even though A-Rod’s
clearly the better player? And he gets no grief at all jut cuz he won some
titles 7 years ago? So this means that Manu Ginobli is a better player than
Kevin Garnett is? All this and Jeter gets to #### everything with legs in New York City, #### Jeter.
7. Kevin Garnett
Base Salary/Compensation: $21,000,000 Endorsements: $8,000,000
Making $8,000,000 in endorsements in Minnesota is like making $250,000,000 in
endorsements in a real city. His Q rating must be through the roof.
6. LeBron James
Base Salary/Compensation: $5,828,089 Endorsements: $25,000,000
After that game last night I almost kind of wish there was a
tip jar by the Cav’s bench, just so if you wanted to you could kick in $2 just
to say “Hey thanks for being so damn entertaining LeBron”. You know, like when
the pizza guy delivers your pizza in 20 mins. rather than 25. Of course you’d
have to smack away the hands of LeBron’s crappy teammates, so I guess he’ll
just have to do with the $30+ million he already makes.
5. Kobe
Bryant
Base Salary/Compensation: $17,718,750 Endorsements: $16,000,000
Went from virtually untouchable 2 years ago to making
$16,000,000 in endorsements, and all it took was being the best player in the
NBA for 2 straight seasons. If Michael Vick is still reeling from dog fighting
charges 2 years from now we’ll know that people think more of dogs than crazy
white broads.
4. Shaq
Base Salary/Compensation: $20,000,000 Endorsements: $15,000,000
It didn’t say how much of Shaq’s money was earned from the
special 10th anniversary Kazaam DVD’s they released last year. This
version has director’s commentary where he just says over and over again “What
the hell was I thinking?” for an hour and a half.
3. Phil Mickelson
Base Salary/Compensation: $4,256,505 Endorsements: $47,000,000
Here’s where it starts getting a tad ridiculous. Phil made
$10 million more in endorsements than athletes 4-25 made in salary and
endorsements. Quick, what’s one thing Phil Mickelson endorses? Can’t think of
one can you? I can’t, and I’m trying to find something on the internet. I’m not
finding anything, I guess Nike clubs off the top of my head? I really don’t
know. And I watch a lot of TV too, it’s mind boggling really. $47 million?
Really? Seriously? Oh well, they wouldn’t pay him that much if they couldn’t
afford it.
2. Oscar De La Hoya
Base Salary/Compensation: $53,000,000 Endorsements: $2,000,000
If I were Oscar De La Hoya, and I had my own production
company for my fights meaning I’d make all the PPV money from said fights, I’d
make it a point to put on a PPV boxing match every week. And I’d only fight
people who pissed me off.
De La Hoya v. Dustin Diamond (aka Screech)
De La Hoya v. The Guy at the Tire place Who Overcharged Me
De La Hoya v. That Girl at the Bar who Laughed at my Car.
I’d be the highest paid athlete x10
1. Tiger Woods
Base Salary/Compensation: $11,941,827 Endorsements: $100,000,000
The only compensation I take from this is that Tiger seems
like the type that won’t enjoy his money. One of those “Wait, my kid’s how old?”
types. Of course, $1 billion can buy enough look-a-likes to satiate the kid for
at least 7 years. That’s why Saddam used to have all those look-a-likes, not
because he was afraid of assassination, but because he loved his children.
Well the lessons learned from this are as follows
- If you play golf - Be good at it. Or failing that, be
likeable. Or failing that be an attractive female.
- If you play basketball - Thank the money gods that Nike,
Reebok, Adidas, et al can sell shoes they assemble for $10 for $150.
- If you play baseball - Play for the Yankees.
- If you play football - Endorse anything cuz you get paid
####. Relatively speaking of course.
- If you play hockey - You’re either an #### or Canadian.
Redundant?
- If you’re a boxer - Do it yourself.
- If you can’t do any of these things - Be the owner of a
team and/or head of a major corporation. Those guys must be ####’ loaded.
Join us next week for the 25 lowest paid athletes, including
a practice squad running back from the Packers, a low Class A minor league
baseball player, and the highest paid player in the NHL. And yes, they all make
more than you do too.
Some people claim their thoughts are random, these are probably the randomiest thoughts you’ll read in the next few hours anyway. Some sports related, some not.
- - The Raven’s Monday night performance went a tad overboard don’t you think? It’s kind of like an unfunny comedian who finally tells a good joke, then runs it completely into the ground until people are sick of it and him. It also shows to go that Brian Billick is the most unlikable man in the NFL
- - If he got paid enough money would Eugene Levy appear in my old high-school’s production of “Brigadoon”? The guy takes parts that Gilbert Gottfried won’t even take for god’s sake.
- - Antwaan Randle El’s little brother got arrested for starting a fight with someone he thought stole money from him. We would have gotten away from the police, but he ran to one side of the street, then the other, and then just started dancing around before they caught him.
- - You can tell the “Girl’s Gone Wild” people aren’t really trying anymore. They just had an ad for “Girl’s Gone Wild: Bus Station in North Hollywood”
- - Baron Davis now goes by B-Dizzle. I can only assume it’s a new thing because I never heard him referred to as that before this season. Now, if I suddenly started calling myself T-Dizzle 5 years after it was cool to do so I would be the dorkiest person on the planet. Does Baron get a free-pass for being black? Or does everyone laugh at him and call him a loser behind his back?
- - There’s a horror/slasher movie called Wolf Creek coming out on Christmas day. While it’s getting really good reviews, it just seems like odd timing. Is “The Santa Claus 3” opening on July 4th weekend?
- - Just saw the new King Kong today. Not to ruin it for people, but is it a Director’s Guild rule that the black person in an action movie has to die? I know it’s a cliché joke, but at this point I’m not even joking.
- - When the families on the Family Feud game shows are huddled together, what is it they’re talking about? They always get up yelling different answers.
- - Watch for the latest Christmas craze for sickos and Eddie Murphy alike. The Tranny-Siberian Orchestra.
- - That Soriano trade’s working out really well for the Nationals isn’t it? Of course if they end up with Kerry Wood out of it they could be real contenders when all is said and done. If Wood’s arm stays attached that is.
I'm Travis. I'm a born and raised Pittsburgher, although I'm only now starting to pick up the accent. Like many Pittsburghers I can pick out which famous people are from Pittsburgh (especially athletes, cuz outside of Michael Keaton that's about it around here) and mention it to anyone I think doesn't know. Which usually results in a "Um, who the hell cares?" I'm a fan of all Pittsburgh teams, and the Penguins are probably my favorite, mostly because they're the only team that's won anything since I've been alive (1981). (Update, Steelers won the Super Bowl, duh) Other hobbies include movies, TV, travel, and general milling around.
