I’ll get one thing out of the way right now, I hate the Patriots. I’d like nothing more than for Tom Brady to tear a knee ligament while getting blocked on a pick-6 he just threw to lose the AFC championship game. That may just wipe the “I could #### all your girlfriends and mothers” grin off his face for maybe a second or 2. Or I’d love for the truth to really come out about how exactly Bill Belichek went from “Same record as Dave Wannstedt in about the same amount of games (41-56 record vs. 40-56 in their first 6 seasons)” to “Greatest coach ever”. I’m sure the cheating has nothing to do with it what-so-ever. Or even better, I’d like to see Rodney Harrison and Mike Vrabel get into some obviously steroid fueled fight over who’s the douchier player and knock the hell out of each other.

 
Okay, I’m getting off topic. My the#### said I need to look at the good in the bad, to find the good points in things I don’t like. Well….. my imaginary the#### said it. So I’m going to go over some of the good things about the Patriots, and they aren’t even of the backhanded compliment variety.

 
1) They know when to talk.

 
Ever notice how the Patriots never talk smack before games? But after they win they stomp on logos, taunt opposing fans and players, and just generally act like a bunch of jackasses? That’s the way you should go about it, if you’re going to be a big pack of taunty jerk-offs do it after you win. For some reason my Steelers have never been able to keep the order of this chain of events straight, even though it’s 1) win 2) talk smack. Seems easy, but after a decade or more of seeing the Joey Porters, Lee Flowerses, and Anthony Smiths of the world get it wrong maybe it’s more complicated than I give it credit.

 
2) People turn dumb when they play them

 
 I don’t know if the Patriots cheat or not, but I do have my su####ions. If nothing else there should be at least an investigation into some sort of ray-gun the Pats use to turn opposing player and coaches into the football equivalent of Ralph Wiggum.

Opposing Linebacker: “Oh hey, there’s Mike Vrabel lined up at tight end on the goal line, no way they’ll ever throw to him!!”

 
Opposing safety: “Hmmm, they haven’t run the ball since Robert Edwards was the running back, but I’m going to totally buy into this play-fake anyway”

 
Opposing defensive coordinator: “Press coverage? What’s that”

 
Opposing DB: “I’m a butterfingered defensive back, but goddamit I’m taking this interception to the house!! Oh damn I just fumbled and they got the ball back”

 
And there are many, many more examples of this. For the sake of saying good things about the Patriots I’ll chalk this one up to them just being smarter than everyone else.

 
3) Shrewd player movement

 
This is really more of an extension of #2, but the Pats certainly know how to do player acquisitions and drafting. Randy Moss for a 4th round pick, Wes Welker for a 2nd rounder, seemingly having two 1st round draft picks every year, having a top 5 (possibly top 2) pick in the 2008 draft. Also, unlike a lot of other teams who seem more content to just maybe make the playoffs and take it from there (*cough*Steelers*cough*), the Patriots just go for it.

 
4) Motivational tactics

 
In past years the Patriots have taken every little negative thing said about them, every slight, and magnified them to the point where their mascot should really be Tommy DeVito from GoodFellas. Considering that this year the legitimacy of their entire run of Super Bowl wins has come into question, it’s not so much a surprise that they’re undefeated as no one’s died on the field yet. Just whatever you do don’t say they’re “funny”.

 
5) Randy Moss

 
Maybe my favorite player in the NFL, and definitely the best pure athlete to ever play (Note that “best athlete” does not equal “best wide receiver”). All that while being just a dumb hillbilly from West Virginia. Hey, I’m not being unfair, ever hear him talk? He could be giving a lecture on quantum physics and you’d still look at him like a (very) illegitimate part of the Clampett clan. Also just think, this is the guy who made good/great QBs out of Randall Cunningham, Jeff George, and Dante Culpepper. How anyone could be surprised that Brady’s having the season he’s having is beyond me.

 
6) Pure unbridled luck

 
From the time they won their first Super Bowl in 2001 with a bunch of cast-offs (Mike Vrabel), has-beens (Drew Bledsoe), and never-wases (Otis Smith), all the while scoring 3 offensive TDs in that playoff run, you had to figure that there was something lucky about the team. Then came the Casey kick out of bounds, the McNabb puke, the San Diego collapse, and even the Ravens game from this season among many other examples. With all that luck coming their way there must be a lot of sick kids being fed by them, or old ladies being visited, or something. So good for them.

....maybe.

I’m back, I was gone longer than I thought I’d be. Apparently the contest ends today, so I hope I get this one in on time cuz it’s actually a legit analysis thingy.

I hate the Patriots, I’ll start by saying that. They are the luckiest team ever. Not even so much balls bouncing their way luck, although they do have a good bit of that going for them. No, I mean they tend to play teams who won’t, or can’t, for whatever reason take advantage of the obvious weaknesses they’ve had over the years. So without further ado, here is one man’s partial game plan on how to deal with the Patriots.

Spread them out

As much as I hate the Patriots I give them credit where it is due. They have maybe the best front 7 in all of football. It generally happens when you have 3 first round picks on your D-line (side note, how much better would the Bengals be if they had just drafted Vince Wilfork and not Chris Perry? Their offense would be just as good, but their defense would be instantly stout against the run, which is their problem. I am currently jobless, so I am free to be an NFL GM, I’m looking in your direction Detroit). However, over the course of the season their secondary has been so depleted that the phrase “Ellis Hobbs is playing exceptionally well” was uttered by some talking-head. Don’t let them fool you, Ellis Hobbs is Ellis Hobbs, he’ll only play as well as Ellis Hobbs can play. The secondary is so depleted that the loss of Chad Scott was a bad thing, wrap your head around that one. So the solution would seem easy; if you have 4 above average receivers/tight ends and a good quarterback, as all the AFC playoff teams do (even the Jags, look it up), go to a lot of 4-5 wide receiver sets. Make the Pats put their crappy DBs in instead of their very good LBs, and do a lot of shotgun and/or quick throws to negate the pass rush from the great D-Line. Good execution is essential because as you know the Pats will execute as well as they can under just about any circumstances.

SIT ON THE SHORT ROUTES AND JAM THE RECEIVERS!!!!

This one seems like the most obvious one, but it drives me nuts when no teams seem to do it. You have a shrimpy bunch of receivers (David Givens, the biggest by a good bit, is 6’1” 200 lbs) who run short routes the majority of the time. Seriously, I doubt that Tom Brady throws more that 20% of his passes longer than 10 yards. Maybe it’s the same with all teams, but it seems like the majority of the Pats passing game is “Brady throws the ball 5-10 yards and the receiver gains another 10-20 yards.” So the solution is easy, jam the receivers, or at the very least sit on short routes, Ty Law knew as much last Monday night and scored a touchdown. I’m not saying the Pats never throw deep, in fact they killed the Steelers with deep balls last January, but it’s mostly dink-and-dunk ####. Use that knowledge to your advantage. Oh, they also run a lot of screens, and if you didn’t know that by now (and it seems to surprise a lot of teams) just give up.

Use their “cuteness” against them

You know how Bill Bilechick likes to be cute and use Mike Vrabel as a tight end, or whatever-the-guard’s-name-is as a fullback, and all things of that nature? Use that against them. IF MIKE VRABEL IS AT TIGHT END HE’S NOT GOING TO BLOCK ANYBODY SO GET SOMEONE COVERING HIM!!! I’m no football expert, (or if it helps my chances to win this thing I am) but there’s no more obvious thing in football than cover a guy who can’t block. But no one seems to pick up on that. They have a guard at fullback? Well he’s obviously not going to catch a pass away from the goal-line, so send an extra guy to stop the run. Troy Brown is at cornerback? Throw the damn ball his way, Miami was pretty much the only team all of last year who did that and it worked. Okay so this is only applicable to last year, but damn that made me insane when no one would throw his way when it was obvious guys were open because he was covering them.

Well, there you go, an game plan so simple a child (or I) could come up with it. And while it wouldn’t guarantee victory, you won’t look stupid doing it like you will under normal circumstances.