I’ll get one thing out of the way right now, I hate the Patriots. I’d like nothing more than for Tom Brady to tear a knee ligament while getting blocked on a pick-6 he just threw to lose the AFC championship game. That may just wipe the “I could #### all your girlfriends and mothers” grin off his face for maybe a second or 2. Or I’d love for the truth to really come out about how exactly Bill Belichek went from “Same record as Dave Wannstedt in about the same amount of games (41-56 record vs. 40-56 in their first 6 seasons)” to “Greatest coach ever”. I’m sure the cheating has nothing to do with it what-so-ever. Or even better, I’d like to see Rodney Harrison and Mike Vrabel get into some obviously steroid fueled fight over who’s the douchier player and knock the hell out of each other.

 
Okay, I’m getting off topic. My the#### said I need to look at the good in the bad, to find the good points in things I don’t like. Well….. my imaginary the#### said it. So I’m going to go over some of the good things about the Patriots, and they aren’t even of the backhanded compliment variety.

 
1) They know when to talk.

 
Ever notice how the Patriots never talk smack before games? But after they win they stomp on logos, taunt opposing fans and players, and just generally act like a bunch of jackasses? That’s the way you should go about it, if you’re going to be a big pack of taunty jerk-offs do it after you win. For some reason my Steelers have never been able to keep the order of this chain of events straight, even though it’s 1) win 2) talk smack. Seems easy, but after a decade or more of seeing the Joey Porters, Lee Flowerses, and Anthony Smiths of the world get it wrong maybe it’s more complicated than I give it credit.

 
2) People turn dumb when they play them

 
 I don’t know if the Patriots cheat or not, but I do have my su####ions. If nothing else there should be at least an investigation into some sort of ray-gun the Pats use to turn opposing player and coaches into the football equivalent of Ralph Wiggum.

Opposing Linebacker: “Oh hey, there’s Mike Vrabel lined up at tight end on the goal line, no way they’ll ever throw to him!!”

 
Opposing safety: “Hmmm, they haven’t run the ball since Robert Edwards was the running back, but I’m going to totally buy into this play-fake anyway”

 
Opposing defensive coordinator: “Press coverage? What’s that”

 
Opposing DB: “I’m a butterfingered defensive back, but goddamit I’m taking this interception to the house!! Oh damn I just fumbled and they got the ball back”

 
And there are many, many more examples of this. For the sake of saying good things about the Patriots I’ll chalk this one up to them just being smarter than everyone else.

 
3) Shrewd player movement

 
This is really more of an extension of #2, but the Pats certainly know how to do player acquisitions and drafting. Randy Moss for a 4th round pick, Wes Welker for a 2nd rounder, seemingly having two 1st round draft picks every year, having a top 5 (possibly top 2) pick in the 2008 draft. Also, unlike a lot of other teams who seem more content to just maybe make the playoffs and take it from there (*cough*Steelers*cough*), the Patriots just go for it.

 
4) Motivational tactics

 
In past years the Patriots have taken every little negative thing said about them, every slight, and magnified them to the point where their mascot should really be Tommy DeVito from GoodFellas. Considering that this year the legitimacy of their entire run of Super Bowl wins has come into question, it’s not so much a surprise that they’re undefeated as no one’s died on the field yet. Just whatever you do don’t say they’re “funny”.

 
5) Randy Moss

 
Maybe my favorite player in the NFL, and definitely the best pure athlete to ever play (Note that “best athlete” does not equal “best wide receiver”). All that while being just a dumb hillbilly from West Virginia. Hey, I’m not being unfair, ever hear him talk? He could be giving a lecture on quantum physics and you’d still look at him like a (very) illegitimate part of the Clampett clan. Also just think, this is the guy who made good/great QBs out of Randall Cunningham, Jeff George, and Dante Culpepper. How anyone could be surprised that Brady’s having the season he’s having is beyond me.

 
6) Pure unbridled luck

 
From the time they won their first Super Bowl in 2001 with a bunch of cast-offs (Mike Vrabel), has-beens (Drew Bledsoe), and never-wases (Otis Smith), all the while scoring 3 offensive TDs in that playoff run, you had to figure that there was something lucky about the team. Then came the Casey kick out of bounds, the McNabb puke, the San Diego collapse, and even the Ravens game from this season among many other examples. With all that luck coming their way there must be a lot of sick kids being fed by them, or old ladies being visited, or something. So good for them.