I’ll get one thing out of the way right now, I hate the Patriots. I’d like nothing more than for Tom Brady to tear a knee ligament while getting blocked on a pick-6 he just threw to lose the AFC championship game. That may just wipe the “I could #### all your girlfriends and mothers” grin off his face for maybe a second or 2. Or I’d love for the truth to really come out about how exactly Bill Belichek went from “Same record as Dave Wannstedt in about the same amount of games (41-56 record vs. 40-56 in their first 6 seasons)” to “Greatest coach ever”. I’m sure the cheating has nothing to do with it what-so-ever. Or even better, I’d like to see Rodney Harrison and Mike Vrabel get into some obviously steroid fueled fight over who’s the douchier player and knock the hell out of each other.

 
Okay, I’m getting off topic. My the#### said I need to look at the good in the bad, to find the good points in things I don’t like. Well….. my imaginary the#### said it. So I’m going to go over some of the good things about the Patriots, and they aren’t even of the backhanded compliment variety.

 
1) They know when to talk.

 
Ever notice how the Patriots never talk smack before games? But after they win they stomp on logos, taunt opposing fans and players, and just generally act like a bunch of jackasses? That’s the way you should go about it, if you’re going to be a big pack of taunty jerk-offs do it after you win. For some reason my Steelers have never been able to keep the order of this chain of events straight, even though it’s 1) win 2) talk smack. Seems easy, but after a decade or more of seeing the Joey Porters, Lee Flowerses, and Anthony Smiths of the world get it wrong maybe it’s more complicated than I give it credit.

 
2) People turn dumb when they play them

 
 I don’t know if the Patriots cheat or not, but I do have my su####ions. If nothing else there should be at least an investigation into some sort of ray-gun the Pats use to turn opposing player and coaches into the football equivalent of Ralph Wiggum.

Opposing Linebacker: “Oh hey, there’s Mike Vrabel lined up at tight end on the goal line, no way they’ll ever throw to him!!”

 
Opposing safety: “Hmmm, they haven’t run the ball since Robert Edwards was the running back, but I’m going to totally buy into this play-fake anyway”

 
Opposing defensive coordinator: “Press coverage? What’s that”

 
Opposing DB: “I’m a butterfingered defensive back, but goddamit I’m taking this interception to the house!! Oh damn I just fumbled and they got the ball back”

 
And there are many, many more examples of this. For the sake of saying good things about the Patriots I’ll chalk this one up to them just being smarter than everyone else.

 
3) Shrewd player movement

 
This is really more of an extension of #2, but the Pats certainly know how to do player acquisitions and drafting. Randy Moss for a 4th round pick, Wes Welker for a 2nd rounder, seemingly having two 1st round draft picks every year, having a top 5 (possibly top 2) pick in the 2008 draft. Also, unlike a lot of other teams who seem more content to just maybe make the playoffs and take it from there (*cough*Steelers*cough*), the Patriots just go for it.

 
4) Motivational tactics

 
In past years the Patriots have taken every little negative thing said about them, every slight, and magnified them to the point where their mascot should really be Tommy DeVito from GoodFellas. Considering that this year the legitimacy of their entire run of Super Bowl wins has come into question, it’s not so much a surprise that they’re undefeated as no one’s died on the field yet. Just whatever you do don’t say they’re “funny”.

 
5) Randy Moss

 
Maybe my favorite player in the NFL, and definitely the best pure athlete to ever play (Note that “best athlete” does not equal “best wide receiver”). All that while being just a dumb hillbilly from West Virginia. Hey, I’m not being unfair, ever hear him talk? He could be giving a lecture on quantum physics and you’d still look at him like a (very) illegitimate part of the Clampett clan. Also just think, this is the guy who made good/great QBs out of Randall Cunningham, Jeff George, and Dante Culpepper. How anyone could be surprised that Brady’s having the season he’s having is beyond me.

 
6) Pure unbridled luck

 
From the time they won their first Super Bowl in 2001 with a bunch of cast-offs (Mike Vrabel), has-beens (Drew Bledsoe), and never-wases (Otis Smith), all the while scoring 3 offensive TDs in that playoff run, you had to figure that there was something lucky about the team. Then came the Casey kick out of bounds, the McNabb puke, the San Diego collapse, and even the Ravens game from this season among many other examples. With all that luck coming their way there must be a lot of sick kids being fed by them, or old ladies being visited, or something. So good for them.

With Hall of Fame Weekend coming next weekend I figured it would be appropriate to repost this piece from last year. There may be a new one for this year, but you try thinking of something funny about Gene Hickerson.

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When John Madden made his Hall of Fame induction speech, he mentioned how he believed the busts in Canton would speak to each other once everyone was gone for the night. While this may come across as the ramblings o####uy who’s mistaken paint thinner for vodka once too often, he’s right. The busts in Canton do speak with each other, and here’s how the conversation went the night the new busts were put in the hall.

(Door to the Hall of Fame is closed for the night by the janitor)

Art Donovan: Okay guys, all’s clear!

George Halas: (addressing the Class of ’06 busts) So I see we have some new members here this evening, welcome guys.

‘06 Busts (simultaneously): Thanks!

Wellington Mara: So why’re you guys in here? What’re your qualifications

Troy Aikman: Well, I won 3 Super Bowls with the help of the best offensive line in league history, the NFL's all-time leading rusher, and a wide receiver who made the Pro-Bowl 5 times in 9 seasons. So of course I deserve all the credit

Wellington Mara: I see, how about you sir

John Madden: I have the best winning percentage of any coach who has coached 100 games or more. I was the best announcer in football for many years, and my EA Sports football games have given me street cred with the brothas out the wazoo. Right Jim?

Jim Brown: Word

John Madden: ….and I did win one Super Bowl, and it would have been more had it not been for someone’s lucky-#### play

(The Chuck Noll and Franco Harris busts both start giggling uncontrollably)

John Madden: Yeah in fact I’d just like to complain a little more about how I only won one Super Bowl…

Dan Marino, Marv Levy, Barry Sanders: (at the same time) Shaddup!

John Madden: Okay, okay, I’m done

Art Rooney: Thank you John, even your bust smells terrible. (to Warren Moon) How about you son?

Warren Moon: I have almost 50,000 passing yards and close too 300 TDs spanning over 17 NFL seasons. Plus I won 4 Grey Cups in the CFL.

Art Rooney: The what?

Warren Moon: …um, the Canadian Football League. The place where people who can’t make it in America go to make a living.

Art Rooney: Wouldn’t that be just called Canada?

Warren Moon: Well, I suppose, but this was in football pads

Art Rooney: I see, I see. Didn’t you also beat your wife like a prisoner at Gitmo?

Warren: (hemming and hawing) …okay fine, I did. But I’m not the only one with off-field transgressions in here. Hell, Lawrence Taylor’s nose is bleeding right now, and he’s made of bronze.

LT: Hey! I’d wipe my nose, but I don’t have any hands

Sammy Baugh: Enough! Come on now guys, (speaking to Reggie White) what about you? Why’re you here?

Reggie White: I’m the best defensive end in the history of the NFL period. With that and the fact that I died recently, you could’ve had a Hall of Fame voting panel of Satanist #### members and they couldn’t have kept me out.

Deacon Jones: Hold on there a minute kid…. The best defensive end ever? I beg to differ, and if you say it again we’re gonna have to get some flowers from Merlin cuz I’m gonna kill you all over again!

Merlin Olsen: Hey! Leave me out of this

Reggie White: Settle down Deacon, let me get done saying my piece and we can talk about he time you were in “The Thing with Two Heads”

Deacon Jones: That was Rosie Greer you ####!

Reggie White: Whatever, you all never won anything so who cares?

Deacon Jones: With your ####-phobic, anti-every-race-but-your-own rants towards the end of your life you may feel more at home in the Baseball Hall of Fame. You and Ty Cobb would look real nice side by side

Reggie White: Don’t make me go Zidane on you!!

Deacon Jones: What’re you talking about? You can only go Zidane on me!

Reggie White: Why you……!!

(Reggie inches off his stand and sloooowwwwlly charges toward Deacon)

Deacon Jones: Bring it on. I can’t do my head slap like this, but I can still kick some skull base.

Paul Brown: Gentlemen please!!! Settle down or we’ll put Irvin’s bust next to you when he gets inducted

Deacon and Reggie: (simultaneously) Sorry

Paul Brown: Although, that reminds me of a joke. A deacon and a minister walk into a bar. I can’t remember the middle but the end involves a whip and nacho cheese. Anyway, (looking at Harry Carson) what about you?

Harry Carson: I played in 9 Pro Bowls in 13 seasons. I was the sober yin to LT’s raging yang. I am a Super Bowl champion, if you couldn’t tell from me basically wearing a “Look at this” sign pointing right to my championship ring during my speech. And I played in New York, which counts for more than 4 Grey Cups I would think

(All other busts murmur to each other in agreement)

Warren Moon: (softly to himself) Kiss my ####

Bronko Nagurski: Well, last is you Mr. Wright, why’re you here

Rayfield Wright: I was a 6 time Pro Bowler, a member of the official All-70s NFL team. I played in 5 Super Bowls and won 2. And, um, I was a tackle, we don’t really have stats or anything so I can’t really explain it fully.

Curly Lambeau: Okay, any other matters of business?

All: No

Curly Lambeau: Okay, tomorrow is our monthly karaoke competition. Mike Ditka singing Journey vs. Chuck Noll singing Metallica

Brings a chill doesn’t it?

SI has issued its annual listing of the highest earning athletes from the previous year. Now you may be thinking “Holy hell, how can these people sleep at night making 1000 times more than me for playing a kids game and pretending that they like Gatorade?” Well, as Rainier Wolfcastle once opined, they sleep “on top of a pile of money, with many beautiful women”. Hey, if your business made as much money as the NBA, NFL, MLB, and even the PGA do you’d be getting paid insane amounts of money too. You lazy jerks. Anyway, here are the top 25 highest earners from the past year, complete with their earnings and snarky comments by me.

25. Jason Kidd
 

Base Salary/Compensation: $18,084,000
Endorsements: $1,500,000

Somewhere Joumana Kidd is on her knees thanking God that she and Jason ran into each other at that Cal kegger more than a decade ago. At least I’m assuming that’s how the soon to be ex-Mrs. Jason Kidd met her meal ticke….. husband. All I know is that half of $19,584,000 can buy an awful lot of tracking devices and Prozac. Look for Kidd to be dealt by the Nets sometime in the near future, most likely to the Knicks for a 1st round pick and Eddie Curry. (That’s a joke, some people may not be able to tell the difference by now with Isaiah)

24. Michael Vick

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $13,000,000
Endorsements: $7,000,000

Expect that second figure to go down juuuuuust a tad next year if things don’t start turning around for Mr. Vick. Hell, if things get any worse you’ll see Pac Man Jones shilling for McDonalds before you see Vick in a commercial (Maybe he can make it McFlurry?).

23. Vince Carter

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $15,101,625
Endorsements: $5,000,000

Things have been really looking up for Vince since he’s been getting paid in US dollars. And of course he also has his degree from UNC to fall back on should he go nuts and lose all his money investing in satellite radio stock.

22. Michelle Wie

Base Salary/Compensation: $735,224
Endorsements: $19,500,000

 
The first example of the “If you’re smart you’ll buy your kid(s) golf clubs” phenomenon. Forget the fact that she’s making that much in endorsements and I can’t tell you a single thing she endorses….. look at how much a golfer who doesn’t even play in every tourney and doesn’t make a single cut earns. I’m sure somehow the exemptions she gets to appear in tourneys is factored in somehow, but holy #### either way

21. Floyd Mayweather Jr.

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $20,000,000
Endorsements: $250,000

 
Got paid $20,000,000 for one fight and got to punch the guy paying him the money in the face the entire time. What a great way to make a living. His endorsements would have been lower but he was paid $100,000 by “Loco Philippe’s Casa De Sombreros” to wear their apparel to the ring

20. Manny Ramirez

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $18,000,000
Endorsements: $2,500,000

With all the money he’s making and his fairly eccentric personality I’m going to guess now that Manny’s retirement years are going to be a something like a Howard Hughes and/or Michael Jackson. You know, without all the pedophilia and homosexuality. Or maybe with it, he’ll have enough money

19. Michael Finley

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $20,154,625
Endorsements: $500,000

 
Hey, who does San Antonio pay more money to; the guy who’s led them to 3 (soon to be 4) titles and is the preeminent power forward of his generation in his prime? Or their 7th man? If you said the latter you’re very good. Michael Finley makes roughly $1,000,000 per minute played per game.

18. Tim Duncan

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $17,429,672
Endorsements: $3,500,000

 
Speaking of Mr. Underpaid, he does make more money overall than Michael Finley. This is due to his lucrative endorsement deal with the generic cereals on the bottom shelves in grocery stores. Mmmmm, plain white rice puffs.

17. Jason Giambi

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $21,500,000
Endorsements: $500,000

 
The first signing in the Yankees wildly successful “Let’s throw way too much money at the best free agent every off-season, and then also take on other teams’ huge salaries along the way too” strategy they’ve employed since 2002. The final 2 years of his contract (approx. $50 million) could be voided by the Yankees due to his recent pseudo-admission of steroid use. For $50 million you’d think he’d be able to find someone who’d surgically remove his voice-box. Or have someone follow him around and say “He jost kidding!” after everything he says like that one Fred Armisen SNL character

16. Jeff Gordon

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $7,471,444
Endorsements: $15,000,000
 

You’d think that the fact that every square inch of their clothing and cars are covered in ads would mean that NASCAR Drivers would make more than $15,000,000 in endorsements. If I’m gonna be called the “Rainbow Warrior” I want at least $10,000,000 for that alone. No word on how much of his money is made on deposits of beer cans that are thrown at him during any given race.

 
15. Roger Clemens

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $19,000,000
Endorsements: $3,500,000

 
Clemens’ salary before prorating was $28,000,022, the final 22 is thrown in because it is his uniform number. He is very symbolic; every one of his children’s names begins with K, which for some reason stands for strikeout. He wanted to have 20 children to symbolize the highest number of strikeouts he’s had in a game, but his wife threatened to cut his “Little Rocket” off before that ever happened.

14. Barry Bonds

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $20,800,000
Endorsements: $2,000,000

 
“Now, who can we get to endorse our product? We need someone everyone hates, with scandal surrounding him at every turn, an attitude sure to give our advertising department nightmares, someone that’ll be sure to give our product a bad name. I know! Barry Bonds is our man”

“Great idea Bizarro Warren Buffett. Should I call Mark Cuban about that football league idea you’ve been kicking around too?”

“Sure, why not?”

At least I’m assuming that’s how anyone can explain how he makes any money in endorsements.

13. Tracy McGrady

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $16,901,500
Endorsements: $6,000,000

 
According to SI Tracy loves lasagna. So he’s like Garfield in the sense that they both have a love of lasagna, big lazy looking eyes, make more money than 70% of the population every time they ####, and have both won the exact same numbers of playoff series. And I’m pretty sure McGrady likes to kick dogs off of tables too, which would make him better than his teammate Yao who likes to eat….. ah nevermind.

12. Peyton Manning

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $10,000,000
Endorsements: $13,000,000

 
But he’d give it all up for a Super Bowl ring. Oh wait, that happened….. okay he’d give it all up for 5 minutes of his face in Adriana Lima’s breasts.

11. Allen Iverson

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $17,184,375
Endorsements: $7,000,000

 
All the money AI’s made will come in handy when he needs a bionic body after the beating he’s taken over the years. Considering inflation he’ll be “The Roughly $56,984,354 Man”

10. Dale Earnhardt Jr.

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $7,111,735
Endorsements: $20,000,000

 
He puts the Earn in Earnhardt. And the Dale in OverexposedDale. Also, if his name was Gus Witworth or something besides Most Famous NASCAR Driver Ever Jr I think his earning potential might be a bit lower. But hey, what do I know about NASCAR?

9. Alex Rodriguez

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $22,000,000
Endorsements: $6,000,000

 
Most of A-Rod’s salary stems from the fact that he gets a nickel every time ESPN or some media outlet runs a stupid innocuous story about him. This latest “yelling” incident involving the Blue Jays made him at least $4,500,000 more yesterday alone.

8. Derek Jeter

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $22,000,000
Endorsements: $7,000,000

So wait, all that fuss was made about A-Rod getting a contract for $252 million, and yet Jeter makes just as much per season even though A-Rod’s clearly the better player? And he gets no grief at all jut cuz he won some titles 7 years ago? So this means that Manu Ginobli is a better player than Kevin Garnett is? All this and Jeter gets to #### everything with legs in New York City, #### Jeter.

7. Kevin Garnett

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $21,000,000
Endorsements: $8,000,000

 
Making $8,000,000 in endorsements in Minnesota is like making $250,000,000 in endorsements in a real city. His Q rating must be through the roof.

6. LeBron James

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $5,828,089
Endorsements: $25,000,000

 
After that game last night I almost kind of wish there was a tip jar by the Cav’s bench, just so if you wanted to you could kick in $2 just to say “Hey thanks for being so damn entertaining LeBron”. You know, like when the pizza guy delivers your pizza in 20 mins. rather than 25. Of course you’d have to smack away the hands of LeBron’s crappy teammates, so I guess he’ll just have to do with the $30+ million he already makes.

5. Kobe Bryant

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $17,718,750
Endorsements: $16,000,000

 
Went from virtually untouchable 2 years ago to making $16,000,000 in endorsements, and all it took was being the best player in the NBA for 2 straight seasons. If Michael Vick is still reeling from dog fighting charges 2 years from now we’ll know that people think more of dogs than crazy white broads.

4. Shaq

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $20,000,000
Endorsements: $15,000,000

 
It didn’t say how much of Shaq’s money was earned from the special 10th anniversary Kazaam DVD’s they released last year. This version has director’s commentary where he just says over and over again “What the hell was I thinking?” for an hour and a half.

3. Phil Mickelson

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $4,256,505
Endorsements: $47,000,000

 
Here’s where it starts getting a tad ridiculous. Phil made $10 million more in endorsements than athletes 4-25 made in salary and endorsements. Quick, what’s one thing Phil Mickelson endorses? Can’t think of one can you? I can’t, and I’m trying to find something on the internet. I’m not finding anything, I guess Nike clubs off the top of my head? I really don’t know. And I watch a lot of TV too, it’s mind boggling really. $47 million? Really? Seriously? Oh well, they wouldn’t pay him that much if they couldn’t afford it.

2. Oscar De La Hoya

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $53,000,000
Endorsements: $2,000,000

 
If I were Oscar De La Hoya, and I had my own production company for my fights meaning I’d make all the PPV money from said fights, I’d make it a point to put on a PPV boxing match every week. And I’d only fight people who pissed me off.

De La Hoya v. Dustin Diamond (aka Screech)

De La Hoya v. The Guy at the Tire place Who Overcharged Me

De La Hoya v. That Girl at the Bar who Laughed at my Car.

I’d be the highest paid athlete x10

1. Tiger Woods

 
Base Salary/Compensation: $11,941,827
Endorsements: $100,000,000

 
The only compensation I take from this is that Tiger seems like the type that won’t enjoy his money. One of those “Wait, my kid’s how old?” types. Of course, $1 billion can buy enough look-a-likes to satiate the kid for at least 7 years. That’s why Saddam used to have all those look-a-likes, not because he was afraid of assassination, but because he loved his children.

Well the lessons learned from this are as follows

 
- If you play golf - Be good at it. Or failing that, be likeable. Or failing that be an attractive female.

 
- If you play basketball - Thank the money gods that Nike, Reebok, Adidas, et al can sell shoes they assemble for $10 for $150.

 
- If you play baseball - Play for the Yankees.

 
- If you play football - Endorse anything cuz you get paid ####. Relatively speaking of course.

 
- If you play hockey - You’re either an #### or Canadian. Redundant?

 
- If you’re a boxer - Do it yourself.

 
- If you can’t do any of these things - Be the owner of a team and/or head of a major corporation. Those guys must be ####’ loaded.

 
Join us next week for the 25 lowest paid athletes, including a practice squad running back from the Packers, a low Class A minor league baseball player, and the highest paid player in the NHL. And yes, they all make more than you do too.

(Note: I posted this before, but I took it down cuz it needed some changes)

In preparation for this whole bowl preview thingy, I’ve learned 2 things about the 2006 college football season.

1) There are no great teams. The whole Florida/Michigan debate is somewhat useless because they probably are both equal in quality, and about equal with USC and just a notch above Louisville. OSU may be good, but they really weren’t challenged all year outside of one home game. None of these teams would hang with last year’s Texas team, or 2 years ago USC team, or…. well you get the idea

2) This is a weak player year as well. Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly great players, but no transcendent Reggie Bush/Vince Young types. Troy Smith is probably the weakest Heisman winner of the past 10 years or so, and he won in a landslide.

Of course, all of that doesn’t mean we can’t have a great set of bowl games. Or at least one or 2 decent match-ups - whichever. I will preview each bowl game and give my (Straight-up, no point spread) pick, and maybe give reasons for the picks. It’s harder to pick bowl games cuz you have no idea who still cares, and who just is in it to get a free X-Box or leftover Jake Peavy bobblehead (depending on the bowl of course). So without Freddie Adu, let’s get to the bowls.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl

TCU  v. Northern Illinois

Right off the bat we have the winner of the “Lamest Bowl Sponsor” award. If bowl sponsors are going to be this localized from now on can Crazy Charlie’s Discount Electronics Bowl be far behind? As for the game itself both of these teams had disappointing seasons; TCU only lost 2 games, but they were supposed to be the Boise State of this season instead of Boise State. I’m sure that sentence made no sense. Northern Illinois has nothing except Garrett Wolfe, and even then they couldn’t make the MAC championship game. This year that’s an even more pathetic statement than it normally is. Right off the bat this seems on paper to be an easy call, but if they played games on paper there would be a lot more paper cuts. Or something…. nevermind

Winner: TCU

Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl

Oregon v. BYU

Those wacky Mormons are back again for more booze, gambling, and prostitutes. That is what the Mormons believe in right? Well if it isn’t it should be. Anyway it’s odd that BYU is back in Vegas for the second straight year, but Miami has to go to Boise. Just shows that the Bowl selection people have a sense of humor. Even with super-stud running back James Stewart, and his imaginary 6 foot tall rabbit Harvey, Oregon faded badly down the stretch. BYU on the other hand finished well winning the relatively strong Mountain West Conference. That all being said the only way BYU loses is if they figure out that they can get married in any number of places 24/7 in Vegas and have a “Who can marry the most broads contest”.

Winner: BYU

R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl

Troy v Rice

The bowl match-up that sounds like an incredibly stupid teenager trying to microwave an Uncle Ben’s meal. Rice is in its first Bowl game in 45 years. For perspective, Kennedy was still president, Gilligan’s Island was still 3 years from its first airing, and Greg Oden was born. Oh right, he’s only 18. I’m sure all 18 year olds are talking with their grandkids on the sidelines while they’re injured. Back to the matter at hand, this game is interesting because Troy’s QB’s name is Omar Haugabook, which I’m sure sounds similar to Hug-a-book, which if he’s attending Troy I’m sure he doesn’t do all that often. ESPN nation’s vote seems to think that Rice will win, and hell who’s to argue with all 2500 or so of them

Winner: Rice

Papajohns.com Bowl

South Florida v East Carolina

So is there a difference between Papa John’s directly sponsoring this bowl and them just sticking the website up there? Guess we’ll never know. This is a match-up of East-North Carolina versus West-Central (andIguesskindaSouth-ish) Florida. ECU gave West Virginia their toughest non-loss game, but USF beat West Virginia. Of course Pitt beat Central Florida by more points than Florida did this season, so the whole “common opponents” measuring stick ain’t always that accurate. Matt Grothe is a pest of a QB, that’s really the best way to describe him. And USF got better during the year, as most young teams are apt to do. Barring some odd happenings-a-doing USF should win.

Winner: USF

New Mexico Bowl

New Mexico vs. San Jose State

Gee, I wonder how New Mexico was able to snag this game? It’s the battle of the porn star head coaches, with #### Tomey (pronounced Too-me…. I think), and Rocky Long. The head coaches are described as “defensive masterminds” with Long being the inventor of the now en-vogue 3-3-5 defense. That for some reason has always sounded more like a soccer formation, but that’s probably just me.

Winner: Um, San Jose… I guess. But only if Cheechoo gets going

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl

Utah vs. Tulsa

I’m assuming full-sized, working helicopters aren’t part of the gift basket for this game, although they should be. I really have nothing to say about either of these teams, except Tulsa’s nickname (Golden Hurricanes) sounds like a golden shower fetishist’s dream. Look it up if you don’t know, at your own risk of course.

Winner: Utah

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl

Arizona State vs. Hawaii

Another team with its name in the Bowl title. Using this logic the BSC will rename itself the Notre Dame Challenge after this season. The over/under for this game is 75, I wonder if that’s for one or both teams? Arizona State’s coach Dirk Koetter has been fired, so he may as well skip out on the game and just hang out on the beach for a month or so. Or at least that’s what I’d do, even if I hadn’t been fired. Dennis Erickson is the new head coach, and it was awfully nice of him to pull the charade of being the head coach of his alma mater Idaho for a whole friggin' season. That being said who among us wouldn't take Tempe over, um, wherever the hell the U of Idaho is.

Winner: Hawaii

Motor City Bowl

Middle Tennessee vs. Central Michigan

Central Michigan head coach Brian Kelley has been hired by Cincinnati to replace Mark Dantonio as its head coach. In fact Kelley is going to coach Cinci in their bowl game, completely ditching CMU. All told I have no idea if that’s a good, bad, or indifferent hire. Nor do I care really, although I think Frank Solich would have been a better choice. And for those keeping score that’s the MAC champion’s coach leaving his team for a lower half Big East team. Who says the mid-majors don’t matter? Anyway, CMU actually played a decent out of conference schedule, except they didn’t win a game. Kind of the Penn State of the MAC in a way, so they are kind of unknown still. As for MTU, their QB looks kind of like the QB from The Waterboy (good job needle-####!!).

Winner: Middle Tennessee, if only because they’re more stable

Emerald Bowl

Florida State vs. UCLA

Supposedly Florida State likes to drive to their bowl games, if they leave now they may make it by game-time. Also, it’s very funny to me that DeCody ####g will be playing his bowl game in San Francisco, I’m sure he’ll be very popular. As for the game itself it’s pretty simple, if UCLA wins the field position battle, they win the game. FSU’s offense is more impotent than a Nevada boxing commissioner (ask Monty Burns, it’s his line).

Winner: UCLA

PetroSun Independence Bowl

Oklahoma St. vs. Alabama

The “Battle of .500 Bowl”. Alabama beat Duke, Louisiana-Monroe, Florida Int’l, and Mississippi to get to 6-6. And Oklahoma State’s wins may actually be less impressive. Feel the excitement. Mike Shula’s leaving, and really who can blame him? Rich Rodriguez has already turned Alabama down to be the next head coach, and really it’s for the best that way. Cuz if they liked Mike Shula they’dve loved Rich and his inattention to defense, lack of disciplinary control of his team (on the field at least), and inexplicable losses when he has good teams. That and they probably would have thought he’s an illegal or something; I would have given it 3 years at the most.

Winner: Who cares?

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl

Cal vs. Texas A&M

This is the second bowl game to be played in San Diego, if you count the San Diego Dept of Corrections Bowl, or whatever it is. Anyway, Cal was okay this year, very good at times. Texas A&M beat Texas, but by the end of the season who the hell didn’t? And New Hampshire probably had a tougher schedule than they did. They also have a 5-11 280 lbs running back whose first name is Jorvorskie. Geez, 5-11 280 lbs? He makes Jerome Bettis look like Chris Bosh. For Cal Marshawn #### and the Jackson kid are really good. Texas A&M doesn’t have anyone I’ve ever heard of. All that being said, the Big 12 owns the Pac-10 in lesser bowl games. So why go against history?

Winner: Texas A&M

Texas Bowl

Rutgers vs. Kansas State

You know, the Big East’s bowl coordinator needs a nice kick in the nuts for doing such a crappy job. A month ago Rutgers was on the way to playing in the national title game, now they play in an inaugural bowl against the 13th place team in the Big 12. Okay KSU finished 7-5, but when they played Louisville they looked pretty feeble and it’s the only game of theirs I watched. Rutgers has 2 great running backs, a good defense, a great o-line, an okay QB, and receivers who absolutely suck. K-State has a good defense and, um, I think that’s about it off hand. But with Rutgers being disappointed in being shipped off to Houston, K-State having the veritable home field advantage, and just a gut feeling I’m going with K-State

Winner: K-State

####lord Hotels Music City Bowl

Clemson vs. Kentucky

Heh, ####lord. I think DeCody ####g’s cousin is playing in this game. Anyway... Kentucky has a nice short Jed Clampett-car ride away to go to this game, and being in a bowl game since 1999 has their fans giddy with mid-level excitement. Clemson has one of the more talented teams in the country believe it or not, but for whatever reason (cough*coachsucks*cough) they can never get over the hump. They should have an easy time with Kentucky, what with their dynamic running backs and darling orange/purple uniforms. And I think they will win, but it will be close

Winner: Clemson

Brut Sun Bowl

Oregon State vs. Missouri

Yet another Big-12/Pac-10 match-up. While Mike Riley has done a fine job this season I feel that Oregon State needs to fire him and hire South Florida head coach Jim Leavitt, just for the headline “Leavitt to Beavers”. OSU played 2 BCS teams this season, getting killed by one (Boise State), and beating the other (USC). Missouri, who knows really? I know their QB’s good, but outside of that I have no idea if they’re any good. I really don’t know who will win, but I guarantee this will be the manliest smelling bowl of them all

Winner: Oregon State

AutoZone Liberty Bowl

Houston vs. South Carolina

South Carolina has Sydney Rice, but Houston doesn’t have anyone named Troy so unfortunately we can’t have a pseudo re-match of the epic New Orleans Bowl. Despite The Ol’ Ball Coach’s penchant for offense his team this season has gotten by mostly with defense. Houston’s Kevin Kolb has thrown for almost 3,500 yards 27 TDs and only 3 INTs, wow I didn’t know that. Hell Chris Leak has averaged an INT per game all season and look where he is. Despite the QB’s staggering numbers you have to go with the SEC team over the mid-major.

Winner: South Carolina

Insight Bowl

Texas Tech vs. Minnesota

Is this still the Insight.com Bowl? Or did they not want to be confused with PapaJohns.com so they dropped the.com part? Oh well, I’m sure they make pizza just as well as the other one. This game has 2 completely different offenses, one that throws it all over the field, and one that runs till they caint’s runs no more. I think I just made the MS grammar checker explode with that one. How Minnesota got a bowl game is anyone’s guess, they beat Temple, Kent, and North Dakota State (10-9 was the final score of that one by the way) to only make it to 6-6. They suck and should be nowhere near a bowl, but such is life in a twelve game season. Anyway, long story short Texas Tech should win, and easily.

Winner: Texas Tech

Champs Sports Bowl

Purdue vs. Maryland

Well, this is a match-up of teams who looked feeble and pathetic against local teams. Purdue could have played Penn State for a week straight and not scored a touchdown. Maryland looked slow and offensively inept for most of their game against WVU. Oddly enough the word Champs is in the title of this bowl, veeery funny Orlando. Purdue avoided both Ohio State AND Michigan this season; had Ball State, Miami (OH), and a 1-AA team on their out of conference schedule, and still lost 5 games. They’re kind of like the pitcher who has won 17 games, but has an ERA over 5. Maryland QB Sam “Ain’t no” Hollenbach “Girl” has to have a good game for Maryland to win, and I think he will.

Winner: Maryland

Mieneke Car Care Bowl

Navy vs. Boston College

Boston College is the Groundhog Day of college football teams. Decent season, 8-9 wins, but can’t get over the hump because they lose a game or 2 they shouldn’t. It’s either reassuring or annoying, I’m not sure. Now that Tom O’Brien’s gone maybe they can go back to mediocrity where they belong. You’ll hear that Boston College has won 6 straight bowl games. But don’t forget, Navy is 6-0 when it matters baby!!! USA! USA! USA! USA!

Winner: BC

Alamo Bowl

Texas vs. Iowa

So a 9-3 Texas team gets to play in its own backyard against a 6-6 Iowa team who almost lost to friggin’ Syracuse? Seems like a big ol’ mismatch on paper. The only way Texas loses is if they are just completely disinterested, which could always be the case.

Winner: Texas.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl

Virginia Tech vs. Georgia

RIP Peach Bowl; hello Chicken Sandwich Bowl, peaches and chicken don’t really go together well anyway. Freshman Georgia QB Matt Stafford has twice as many INTs as TDs, and he’s still the best option. And yet GA still had 8 wins, the SEC really is awesome! Virginia Tech was chastised by Kirk Herbstreit for dancing on the field during a loss. And if anyone knows hot to act classy it’s a guy who ####s college chicks every week while his wife and kid sit at home. Virginia Tech’s offense sucks less than Georgia’s so they maybe should win. Do you like how forceful I’m being with my picks here?

Winner: VA Tech

MPC Computers Bowl

Miami vs. Nevada

“Hey, Miami’s had a rough season, they’ve had their worst record since the early 70s, they got into an embarrassing on-field brawl, they had to fire their coach, and they had a player get killed, how can we top it off for them? I know! Let’s send ‘em to Boise!” Miami’s punter would probably be the best athlete on Nevada’s team, but you can never discount the fact that Miami won’t give a ####. If Nevada can avoid getting sick from the combination orange uniforms of the opponents and blue field they should win in a slight upset.

Winner: Nevada

More tomorrow, or whenever I get to it.

Now, anyone who’s been on here for awhile knows that I feel like the SEC tends to be very overrated. That, and I really don’t like Urban Myer much at all. He’s the Brian Billick of college football, an offensive genius whose offenses are constantly being bailed out by the defense and special teams. However the outcome today that Florida should play Ohio State is really the only decision that could have been made. And here’s why

- The Big 10, outside of the top 3 (maybe even only 2) teams sucked much #### this season. The SEC wasn’t as good as it normally is, but it was still worlds better than the Big 10. The only good teams Michigan beat were fraudulently ranked Wisconsin and Notre Dame teams. Hell, the biggest fraud may be Ohio State because they only played Michigan and Texas all season, but at least they didn’t lose. On the other hand Florida beat LSU, Tennessee, and Arkansas, and only lost to Auburn because Chris Leak is a ####.

-  Florida may not have been impressive in, well, any of their wins. But to any Michigan fan screaming that I have 6 words: Ball State by 8 at home. No excuses, that's pitiful

- Michigan had its chance. Yes I know people are tired of hearing that, but it’s true. If Michigan would have had another chance at Ohio State it would have been tantamount to the NFL saying “You know, the Steelers and Colts played a great playoff game, they should play again in the Super Bowl!!”

- Michigan against Ohio State was not as close as the score may indicate. Ohio State committed 3 turnovers, 2 of which were not forced by Michigan (i.e. a bad snap), and it still took a last minute score to get Michigan within 3 points.

- No matter what Lloyd Carr says there are only 2 factions who will say Michigan deserved a shot at OSU more than Florida. 1) Michigan fans, and 2) Hypocritical journalists who would have screamed “Florida got robbed” if Michigan would have gotten the NC shot. That’s it, that’s the list.

- Michigan plays OSU again, beats them, split national champion. It would have happened I’m fairly sure, although obviously I have no way to prove it.

Again, as much as I have ragged on the SEC and Urban Myer even I can see through the B(C)S and know that Florida deserved the shot way more than. There really is no debate