"When Hell Freezes over." These words used to be echoed by people whenever they felt that a given hypothetical could not happen. Lots of things were predicted to happen when hell froze over:

-The Braves winning the World Series.

-The Falcons going to the Super Bowl.

-The Yankees blowing a lead after the seventh inning of a World Series game.

-Neil Diamond having another hit record.

Residents of Hell were equally certain that their domain would never freeze over....until recently. "For years, we begged in our eternal torment for relief from the heat," said the guy who invented mayonnaise.  “Now, we’re worried about this place turning into Buffalo.”  Adolf ####, while being ####ed by jackals with hemorrhoids, expressed concern that “Der local Abercrombie und Fitch might not have ein Parka in mein size!”

 

The cold weather was spawned by recent (time moves differently in Hell than on Earth, for example, this morning in Hell, Bush was President, we were at war in Iraq, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers had a hit album out….oh, wait..) events such as Rivera blowing a save in the World Series, Boston coming back on the Yankees after being down 0-3 and two outs away from a sweep, Boston and Chicago’s World Series wins, and Super Bowl wins by the Patriots and Buccaneers.  Recent events such as the Clippers going deeper into the playoffs than the Lakers and Barry Bonds being within spitting distance of Hank Aaron’s record have had residents of Hell expecting the worst.  Desolation Rodham Clinton, the demon farmer who grows the plant/animal-hybrid abominations who will one day devour, regurgitate, and re-devour Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, was near hysterical.  “These things aren’t exactly frost-hardy!”  The puddle of dog vomit that was once the guy who started phonetic spelling and cute-sy abbreviations in internet posts commented, “If we get freezing temperatures down here, that’s really gonna cut into my commute in the mornings….I mean, it’s hard enough to get around when 3-legged mongrel dogs are always licking you up and re-depositing you, but what happens if I’m frozen?”  One resident did have a different view.  The guy who invented movie sequels, currently serving eternity as a yak’s privates, expressed “hope for cooler temperatures, I mean, have you seen the fur on these yaks?”

Satan himself was not worried.  “We’ve done alright, all things considered.   I mean, Bill Clinton got elected to two terms, so did Bush…sure, it got a little chilly, but nothing we couldn’t handle.”  One of his advisors, however, speaking upon condition of anonymity, was not so optimistic.  “We don’t have a plan in place, and we never did, this guy needs to get off-ed and a new Satan brought in before he turns this place into—“ Apparently, Satan overheard his comments and turned the advisor into a Devil Rays fan.