The Atlanta Braves, seeing limited success in one-run games this season, have been banned from playing in them by the Georgia State legislature. Representative Amanda Holdme, (D-Conyers) proposed the ban. "If they can be kept from these stuations legally, maybe then they won't end up on the losing end of so many of them." Representative Holden McRotch (R-Valdosta) led the opposition, proposing instead that regulations prohibiting the use of assault rifles by relief pitchers be relaxed.
AL DAVIS TO ENDORSE JOHN MCCAIN
Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has announced his intention to endorse Senator John McCain in the 2008 election. "I like his youthful energy and the wide-eyed idealism that this young fella brings to the political landscape," Davis said. Davis, who has previously endorsed candidates like Tutenkhamun and Nebuchadnezzer, had steered clear of politics for a number of years citing his disillusionment with the system ever since the fall of Rome.
METS ACQUIRE SHERMAN IN BID TO DESTROY ATLANTA'S HOPES
The New York Mets acquired General William Tecumseh Sherman from an Independent League with the hopes of destroying Atlanta..................
Sherman (center, on horseback) and his Met teammates after Saturday's win in Atlanta.
..........................'s bid for yet another post-season appearance. Mets manager Willie Randolph said, "I have no idea if he can even play the game, but his locker room presence has already been beneficial." When Sherman was asked what he hoped to accomplish in New York, he replied, "make Georgia howl."
BRAVES ACQUIRE BAEZ TO BOLSTER BULLPEN
Singer-Songwriter-Hippie Activist Joan Baez was acquired by the Atlanta Braves in the hopes of boosting the spirits of the lagging bullpen. Baez, who's fastball clocks at somewhere between 10 and 15 MPH, has many in conservative suburban Atlanta crying foul. "This is the wrong move for the Braves," said Lily White Community Church pastor Jack Mehoff, "it sends the wrong message to the rest of the league." Others were more concerned about Baez's lack of pitching ability. "What the hell?" enqiured Atlanta fan Dennis Doublentendre, "is anybody else concerned over the fact that just gave up a promising young infielder for a woman who hasn't had a top-ten hit since before I was born?!" Baez has assured Atlanta fans that she will fit into the bullpen and contribute. "I might not have a great fastball, but neither does Tim Hudson these days, and I only play for a fraction of his salary."
BUTTERFLIES ACQUIRE SMITH FOR RUN AT BUTTERCUP TROPHY
The Butterflies of Starkville, MS's Under 8 Girls tee-ball league acquired power-hitter Amanda Smith for a run at the league's prestigious Buttercup Trophy, given to the champion. "Amanda's a good player, and her dad had a pool that we can swim in." said infielder Kasey Windham. In return, Smith's old team, the Dandelions, received backup catcher Heather Gabriel, who once caused an uproar when she referred to her manager as a "poo-poo face." "I can't believe I got traded to the dumb Dandelions," Gabriel said. "Coach Conner is a fat poo-poo-head." Dandelion outfielder Shannon Graham was also unenthusiastic. "Heather stinks, she can't hit, and her pants make her butt look gigantic."
STEINBRENNER IN TRADE TALKS WITH SATAN FOR COBB
Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is in talks with Satan over acquiring Ty Cobb for any of the aging players already on his roster. Satan is reported to be interested in moving Cobb, "Because he's trying to take over down here." Cobb apparently enjoys every torment Satan throws at him. "I've tried everything," Satan noted, "making him spike his own testicles, making him consume, digest, excrete and re-eat his own intestines, non-stop Abba, prison sex with the Elephant man...he laughs like a crazy person and yells, 'YEEEEE-HAA!" On the other end, Steinbrenner is so desperate to win another World Series that he even considered trading his own soul. Satan laughed at this, noting that he "already owned that."
Hey kids! It's time to start jumping around like idiots! We're gonna go back in time to 1990!
What a magical year! So let's set the wayback machine, pop some trash into the Mr. Fusion, check our flex capacitors and get that DeLorean up to 88 miles per hour! Here we go!
As you can see, Segui's use of HGH has not affected his love life.
BSNEWS EXCLUSIVE - Being the dogged investigative journalist that I am, I found David Segui at an undisclosed location, somewhere in the mountains out west. We talked about a lot of things, not the least of which was his use of HGH.
BSN: Mr. Segui, good to see you, you're looking good for a...
Segui: What? Freak? Monster?
BSN: I as gonna say former Expo.
Segui: Oh, sorry. How are the Expos doing these days, as you can imagine, I don't get out much.
BSN: They're in Washington now....and they're called the Nationals. They're tied with Florida for third place behind the Mets and Phillies.
Segui: Dude, I was just being polite, I really don't care.
BSN: OK. So are you the first baseball player to use HGH with these kind of results?
Segui: No. Other players have used it with varying results. Mostly to target specific body parts. Sometimes, the results were tragic. One guy used to in his shoulders so much that they actually popped his head off. A guy I used to hit pretty regularly was killed when his forehead exploded. Another guy was beaten to death by his on schmekie.
BSN: We have some photos taken by some of our pappar...er, um...photojournalists. Maybe you can identify them as players who used HGH.
Segui: Yeah, this is former Yankee pitcher Melido Perez. He tried HGH on his ears to improve his hearing. Not only did it make them gi-normous, but look what it did to his skin and teeth! Yeccchh!
Segui: former pitcher Goose Gossage. Wanted to balance his lips and moustache. HGH made him lose the moustache, 100 pounds, and oh god, those lips...I can't look at this anymore.
Segui: former Braves' closer Mark Wohlers. The memory of Game 6 of the 1996 World Series was just too much for the guy. It started on his arms, then he used it on his chest. Then the catcalls got worse. He couldn't find the strike zone anymore, and ...... geez, poor guy.
BSN: Any messages for the kids?
Segui: It's just not worth it. I mean, I'm just not myself anymore. Everytime I get angry,...well, this happens:
"When Hell Freezes over." These words used to be echoed by people whenever they felt that a given hypothetical could not happen. Lots of things were predicted to happen when hell froze over:
-The Braves winning the World Series.
-The Falcons going to the Super Bowl.
-The Yankees blowing a lead after the seventh inning of a World Series game.
-Neil Diamond having another hit record.
Residents of Hell were equally certain that their domain would never freeze over....until recently. "For years, we begged in our eternal torment for relief from the heat," said the guy who invented mayonnaise.“Now, we’re worried about this place turning into Buffalo.”Adolf ####, while being ####ed by jackals with hemorrhoids, expressed concern that “Der local Abercrombie und Fitch might not have ein Parka in mein size!”
The cold weather was spawned by recent (time moves differently in Hell than on Earth, for example, this morning in Hell, Bush was President, we were at war in Iraq, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers had a hit album out….oh, wait..) events such as Rivera blowing a save in the World Series, Boston coming back on the Yankees after being down 0-3 and two outs away from a sweep, Boston and Chicago’s World Series wins, and Super Bowl wins by the Patriots and Buccaneers.Recent events such as the Clippers going deeper into the playoffs than the Lakers and Barry Bonds being within spitting distance of Hank Aaron’s record have had residents of Hell expecting the worst.Desolation Rodham Clinton, the demon farmer who grows the plant/animal-hybrid abominations who will one day devour, regurgitate, and re-devour Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, was near hysterical.“These things aren’t exactly frost-hardy!”The puddle of dog vomit that was once the guy who started phonetic spelling and cute-sy abbreviations in internet posts commented, “If we get freezing temperatures down here, that’s really gonna cut into my commute in the mornings….I mean, it’s hard enough to get around when 3-legged mongrel dogs are always licking you up and re-depositing you, but what happens if I’m frozen?”One resident did have a different view.The guy who invented movie sequels, currently serving eternity as a yak’s privates, expressed “hope for cooler temperatures, I mean, have you seen the fur on these yaks?”
Satan himself was not worried.“We’ve done alright, all things considered.I mean, Bill Clinton got elected to two terms, so did Bush…sure, it got a little chilly, but nothing we couldn’t handle.”One of his advisors, however, speaking upon condition of anonymity, was not so optimistic.“We don’t have a plan in place, and we never did, this guy needs to get off-ed and a new Satan brought in before he turns this place into—“ Apparently, Satan overheard his comments and turned the advisor into a Devil Rays fan.
