BRAVES BANNED FROM ONE RUN GAMES

The Atlanta Braves, seeing limited success in one-run games this season, have been banned from playing in them by the Georgia State legislature.  Representative Amanda Holdme, (D-Conyers) proposed the ban.  "If they can be kept from these stuations legally, maybe then they won't end up on the losing end of so many of them."  Representative Holden McRotch (R-Valdosta) led the opposition, proposing instead that regulations prohibiting the use of assault rifles by relief pitchers be relaxed.  

AL DAVIS TO ENDORSE JOHN MCCAIN

Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has announced his intention to endorse Senator John McCain in the 2008 election.  "I like his youthful energy and the wide-eyed idealism that this young fella brings to the political landscape," Davis said.  Davis, who has previously endorsed candidates like Tutenkhamun and Nebuchadnezzer, had steered clear of politics for a number of years citing his disillusionment with the system ever since the fall of Rome.

Retro Headline of the Week:

Celtics, Lakers to meet in NBA Finals.

NCAA TO BAN INDIAN MASCOTS

Civil rights groups are outraged over the recent decision by the NCAA to ban Indian mascots.  "This is clearly a racist decision by a xenophobic and obviously deluded group," said Raj Patel,who portrays Podunk State University's Paul E. Possum at home athletic events.  "To suggest the Indian mascots are somehow the cause of internal strife in America is insane!" said Sunita Rajdeesh,who dresses as North Southwest East West Virginia Tech's Randy the Rascal.  Conversely, Pakistani mascots are pleased. 

NCAA TO BAN REDUNDANT MASCOTS

All colleges with reundant mascots have been ordered to change their names, according to an internal report from the NCAA.  The move,aimed at severely limiting the names "Bulldogs" and "Tigers," has been received well by sports fans and athletes.  "I loved the name Bulldogs, but our new name is much cooler!" said Mississippi State Love Machines QB Michael Henig. 

This week's "Blast from the Past" ACTUAL Headline:

Gators to Face 'Noles With Peters Out

METS ACQUIRE SHERMAN IN BID TO DESTROY ATLANTA'S HOPES

The New York Mets acquired General William Tecumseh Sherman from an Independent League with the hopes of destroying Atlanta..................

Sherman (center, on horseback) and his Met teammates after Saturday's win in Atlanta.

..........................'s bid for yet another post-season appearance.  Mets manager Willie Randolph said, "I have no idea if he can even play the game, but his locker room presence has already been beneficial."  When Sherman was asked what he hoped to accomplish in New York, he replied, "make Georgia howl."  

BRAVES ACQUIRE BAEZ TO BOLSTER BULLPEN

Singer-Songwriter-Hippie Activist Joan Baez was acquired by the Atlanta Braves in the hopes of boosting the spirits of the lagging bullpen.  Baez, who's fastball clocks at somewhere between 10 and 15 MPH, has many in conservative suburban Atlanta crying foul.  "This is the wrong move for the Braves," said Lily White Community Church pastor Jack Mehoff, "it sends the wrong message to the rest of the league."  Others were more concerned about Baez's lack of pitching ability.  "What the hell?" enqiured Atlanta fan Dennis Doublentendre, "is anybody else concerned over the fact that just gave up a promising young infielder for a woman who hasn't had a top-ten hit since before I was born?!"  Baez has assured Atlanta fans that she will fit into the bullpen and contribute.  "I might not have a great fastball, but neither does Tim Hudson these days, and I only play for a fraction of his salary."

BUTTERFLIES ACQUIRE SMITH FOR RUN AT BUTTERCUP TROPHY

The Butterflies of Starkville, MS's Under 8 Girls tee-ball league acquired power-hitter Amanda Smith for a run at the league's prestigious Buttercup Trophy, given to the champion.  "Amanda's a good player, and her dad had a pool that we can swim in." said infielder Kasey Windham.  In return, Smith's old team, the Dandelions, received backup catcher Heather Gabriel, who once caused an uproar when she referred to her manager as a "poo-poo face."  "I can't believe I got traded to the dumb Dandelions," Gabriel said.  "Coach Conner is a fat poo-poo-head."  Dandelion outfielder Shannon Graham was also unenthusiastic.  "Heather stinks, she can't hit, and her pants make her butt look gigantic." 

STEINBRENNER IN TRADE TALKS WITH SATAN FOR COBB

 Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is in talks with Satan over acquiring Ty Cobb for any of the aging players already on his roster.  Satan is reported to be interested in moving Cobb, "Because he's trying to take over down here."  Cobb apparently enjoys every torment Satan throws at him.  "I've tried everything," Satan noted, "making him spike his own testicles, making him consume, digest, excrete and re-eat his own intestines, non-stop Abba, prison sex with the Elephant man...he laughs like a crazy person and yells, 'YEEEEE-HAA!"  On the other end, Steinbrenner is so desperate to win another World Series that he even considered trading his own soul.  Satan laughed at this, noting that he "already owned that." 

So we've tried AL vs. NL for home field advantage in the World Series.

It sucks.

Someone......

 ......suggested having the U.S. play the World.

Someone else......

.....suggested that the AL and NL combine and play the Cuban national team in Havana while blindfolded and wearing handcuffs with .50 calibur machine guns trained on them. 

Another person....

.....Suggested Japan vs. the World

Someone else......

....suggested the the game go exactly as it is, only the players should be shirtless.........and pantsless.

I say.......

.....the technology exists in some secret government underground bunker.  Resurrect the dead players of the past.  Have them play the superstars of today.  Then we will have no more of this "So-and-so in his prime was way better than Such-and-such is today."  True, today's players will be at an advantage thanks to good nutrition and physical training.  But zombies can feel no pain, being dead and all.  And if they run half as fast as those zombies in the new Dawn of the Dead, it'll be great!

Now if you'll excuse me, some of my readers have plump, succulent brains that i'd like to.........examine.

 

MMMMM.......ME TIRED WRITE POST USING IQ OVER 80......MMMM........ME WANT PEOPLE READ.......MMMMM.....PEOPLE READ ONLY RAVINGS OF PROVOCATIVE CAVE-DWELLERS WHO REPEAT SAME THING......MMMMM.......ACT SURPRISED WHEN SAY SAME STUPID THING OVER AND OVER LIKE:

SOCCER BAD! SOCCER ####!

ARGUE BACK AND FORTH WITH NEANDERTHAL IGNORE GOOD WORK DONE BY PEOPLE WITH ORIGINAL IDEA OR COHERENT THOUGHT OR NON-SLOPING FOREHEAD .......MMMMM.......ME WANT IN CLUB!!!!!  SO HERE GO!

FIRE BAD!

SOCCER BAD!

#### BAD!

SOCCER ####!

LOOK! MAN CHASE OTHER MAN, MUST BE ####!!!! NOT THAT I INTO THAT SORT OF THING!

FIRE BAD!

 

FOREIGN THINGS BAD!

USA! USA! USA!

AMERICAN FOOTBALL NOT ####! WHY YOU EVEN THINK THAT??!!

NOTHING WRONG HERE! JUST MAN IN TIGHT PANTS GRABBING OTHER MAN'S HIPS FROM BEHIND! BOTH HOPING TO GET HANDS ON BALL! NOT ####! FIRE BAD!

THREE MEN HUGGING PERFECTLY NORMAL!

WHAT?! PERFECTLY NORMAL FOR MAN IN TIGHT PANTS TO REACH BETWEEN OTHER MAN'S LEGS AND GRAB BALL! WHY THAT ####?