Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Like a winged ninja, I traverse the atmosphere in search of foul smells and athletes to observe- occasionally finding both in the same place. (ba-dum-bum!) Feeding and spying, spying and feeding, I perdure my lonely existence not by choice, but because the followers of sport need a hero; a hero to make public the otherwise unseen embarrassments of their favorite jocks. I am The Sports Fly, and my super power, which I gladly wield for you, is that of observation.
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Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz… And so begins today’s adventure, where we find ourselves tracking young DeQuantae Smoot, a product by-product of big-time NCAA football. DeQuantae played Defensive End for a BCS school. He didn’t make the NFL, but that won’t stop him from becoming an efficacious member of society, as evidenced by his appearance at this job interview. After all, he did get a college education...
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MANAGER: So, DeQuantae, I see here where it says degree, you indicated you received a Bachelor of Science, but you didn’t list your field of study.
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DEQUANTAE: Oh, I ditn’t gradulate. I just wrote BS in there ‘cuz I thinks college is, you know, O-VER-RA-TED (CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP).
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MANAGER: Overrated, huh? Tell me, why do you think that?
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DEQUANTAE: Um, my reason-ness is that I hat learnt everything I need to know on the football field.
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MANAGER: Sounds interesting. Can you give me an example?
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DEQUANTAE: Hex yeah, dog. Like teamwork and stuff.
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MANAGER: Can you spell teamwork?
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DEQUANTAE: T-e-e-m-w-o-r-k-e. So when do I start?
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MANAGER: Tell ya what, DeQuantae- we’ll give you a call if we need you.
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DEQUANTAE: But I hat forgot to put my phone number on the appacation.
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MANAGER: Seriously, don’t worry about it. I don’t think you’re Burger Barn material.
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Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Ouch! You figure the guy would at least be able to empty the grease traps or something… That was fun, I must say, but at burger joints, it’s never long before someone tries to flatten me with a waffle on a stick.
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waffle on a stick (for the slow kids)
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Let’s blow this joint and check out some guys who actually did make it to the big show. I’ve always said there’s nothing like the pre-game enthusiasm of elite professional athletes, and the Detroit Lions are huddling in the tunnel right now, about to take the field!
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QB JOHN KITNA: Well, guys, we’re all under contract, so we have to play. OK, hands in the middle. “Whatever” on three. Ready?
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TEAM: Meh.
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KITNA: One, two, three.
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TEAM: Whatever.
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Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Jeez, I saw more life than that in the carcass where my ex-wife laid our eggs. Things are going downhill so fast, I’m almost afraid to go to my next stop: the house of recently-humiliated MMA fighter Kimbo Slice, where he quietly sobs while binging on what appears to be sorbet…
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KIMBO: I’m a fraud! (SNIFFLE) I should’ve known better than to dream big. It just ends up in heartbreak. God, why did I let them talk me into this?
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KIMBO’S GIRLFRIEND: Come on, Kimbo. You’ve been like this for days. It’s not that bad!
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KIMBO: Not that bad? HA! If you think my backyard fights got a lot of hits, wait till this thing hits the Internet! The press said it lasted 14 seconds, but they’re just being nice. It really only lasted 12, and if you’d watch the tape like I have for the last six hours, you’d know that!
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GIRLFRIEND: Why are you being so hard on yourself?
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KIMBO: Because I lost to a guy with pink hair! PINK! As in the same color as ####! I can never go out in public again. You realize this, don’t you?
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GIRLFRIEND: Oh, now you’re just being dramatic. Every fighter has to lose sometime.
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KIMBO: Not Rocky Marciano. He went 49-0.
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GIRLFRIEND: Yeah, but be realistic. Rocky Marciano was a highly skilled, well-trained... never mind…
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KIMBO: What? What were you going to say? For God’s sake, woman- FINISH THE SENTENCE!
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GIRLFRIEND: (SLAPS HIM) Stop it! Just stop it!
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KIMBO: Please leave. I would like to be alone with my sorbet.
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(GIRLFRIEND EXITS)
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KIMBO: Why did she have to (SNIFFLE) hit me so hard?
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Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Aah, it’s times like this when I’m thankful for my primitive brain. Sure, I follow farm animals around and wait for them to do their business, but at least I’ll never know what it’s like to be so completely emasculated. I’m not actually sure if a situation to top that one exists!
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Hold on a second- I take it back! I may have just come across the most entertainingly random encounter our Universe could offer: Former USC QB Matt Leinart and his perennial understudy Matt Cassel are about to run into each other at a 7-11. Let’s get there ASAP!
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CASSELL: Oh my God! As I live and breathe, it’s Matt Leinart! How ya doin’, old buddy?
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LEINART: (CONFUSED) Uh, hey. How’s it goin’?
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CASSEL: Mmm, just really busy with work lately. Haven’t had time for much else. You know how it is.
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LEINART: I apologize, and I hate to have to ask you this, but have we met?
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CASSEL: It’s me, Matt Cassel!
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LEINART: Still doesn’t ring a bell… Of course, I’m terrible with names…
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CASSEL: I was your backup at USC, silly! You called me “Door Matt?” Remember?
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LEINART: Vaguely. I bonged an awful lot of beers in those days. Aw, who am I kidding, I bonged a few yesterday- and I’m here to buy beer right now!
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CASSEL: Yeah, you didn’t pay much attention to me back then, what with winning the Heisman and all…
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LEINART: Please, please. You flatter me, but we both know I was just keeping it warm for Reggie.
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CASSEL: So, what have you been doing with yourself these days?
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LEINART: Well, you know, I’m playing for the Arizona Cardinals. Things haven’t exactly gone the way I thought they would, but it’s really everyone else’s fault. I mean, the coach wants me to learn the system, but those meetings are dreadful. As soon as they turn the lights off to watch film, I’m out! I’d like to see him practice legally drunk and make it through a film session! And on top of that, all the guys tell me their mothers have stronger throwing arms than I do. Well, you know what I say to that? Heisman! So anyway, we got this old dude running our offense. They say he won a Super Bowl once like a long time ago, so I guess he’s not entirely pathetic. Don’t get me wrong, bro, he’s a great guy- he’s just really, really old. I guess that’s what makes him a “veteran” or whatever. The bottom line is it’s just extremely rare for a quarterback my age to get serious playing time in the NFL. Oh, but where are my manners? I swear, the way I prattle on, you’d think I was an immature, self-centered ####. What have you been up to, Mitch?
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CASSEL: It’s Matt.
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LEINART: Sorry, sorry. So talk to me! I want to know everything!
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CASSEL: There’s not much to tell really. I’m the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots, and that’s about it.
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(STUNNED, LEINART SAYS NOTHING AS HIS JAW DROPS OPEN)
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CASSEL: I know! Crazy, huh?
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(LEINART’S FACE TURNS RED AND BEGINS TO TWITCH)
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CASSEL: You OK?
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Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz… I once landed in a mug at Oktoberfest and wound up sleeping with a mosquito, and it was nowhere near as awkward as what I just saw. I need some good old fashioned cheap laughs at someone else’s expense. I’m thinking we should go back to Kimbo’s house!
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GIRLFRIEND: You know what, Kimbo? This not going out in public business isn’t going to be so bad after all. Heck, I love sorbet just as much as you do. We can eat it out of the same container with two spoons. Or better yet, we’ll use one spoon, and feed each other… It’ll be cute! Then we can snuggle. And talk. I even rented Titanic!
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(KIMBO STANDS UP AND WALKS TOWARD THE DOOR)
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GIRLFRIEND: Where are you going, baby?
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KIMBO: To the gym. Don’t wait up. (EXITS)
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Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz… COOL! That means we get to see him get his butt kicked again! And thanks to the stealthy powers of The Sports Fly, we’ll probably get to see the post-fight waterworks from behind closed doors.
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Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz… That’s all for now, but fear not, citizens of the Sports World. Wherever there are unsanitary conditions and athletes in need of ridicule, The Sports Fly will be there! So until next time, BUZZ OFF!!!
