Greetings, and welcome again to The Sports Intellectual Report, where legitimate sports news comes to die. I’m Aidan Acuff, and I once achieved a QB rating of 158.4 :)
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And now for the X’s and O’s.
Combustible NASCAR driver Tony Stewart was passed on the final turn and beaten to the finish line by Regan Smith during Sunday’s Sprint Cup race at Talladega. Officials later ruled that Smith went below the yellow apron line to make the pass and awarded the victory to Stewart, thus allowing the world to see how anger management classes have simmered his legendary temper. Stewart admitted after the race that he considered starting a fistfight with Smith on pit road, but instead opted to remove him from his T-Mobile fav 5 list.
This just in: NASCAR has fined Tony Stewart $50,000 for mentioning T-Mobile at an event sponsored by Sprint.
Meanwhile, fellow driver Jamie McMurray will legally change his name this winter to Jamie Mack Murray because he says that’s how all his fans pronounce it anyway. Sources close to McMurray have confirmed that newly re-named Bengals wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco gave him a phone call to offer his unconditional support.
Jamie Mack Murray The Narcissist Formerly Known as Chad Johnson
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In other Bengals news, a report by professional scatologist has determined that of all the types of excrement in the animal kingdom, the team’s play this season most closely resembles caribou dung.
Also from the NFL, Adam “Pacman” Jones of the Dallas Cowboys is finally speaking out about being a TNA wrestler during his season-long suspension last year. Jones, a frequent punchline not known for his sparkling intellect, said that he enjoyed his time in professional wrestling because “People really took me seriously there.”
This just in: Upon learning of his $50,000 fine for mentioning T-Mobile at a Sprint Cup event, Tony Stewart has gone on a rampage and is destroying a hospitality tent at this very moment. We’ll keep you posted as the story develops.
Well, it appears that even from beyond the grave, NBA great Wilt Chamberlain is still making headlines. Apparently, Chamberlain not only slept with 20,000 women, but also fathered over 18,000 children. As a result, his estate has been named in a first-of-its-kind legal case filed last week in Los Angeles County: a class-action paternity suit. No word yet on whether a variation of the famous “if the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit” defense will be used…
Prolific AND Potent!
And in South Bend, Indiana, Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis became involved in a lawsuit of his own- albeit as the plaintiff- when he filed suit against the International House of Pancakes. According to court documents obtained by TSI, Weis claims that IHOP creates a “hostile eating environment” by serving their delicious pancakes on plates whose circumference is barely larger than the pancakes themselves, thereby allowing no room for “syrup overflow”. Weis refused to talk about the case, but his attorney did release this brief statement: “This is not about money. It’s about a man’s right to have a moat around his pancakes.”
This just in: Tony Stewart has been removed from the scene at Talladega in a straight jacket. He will be taken to a local hospital for overnight observation, then re-admitted into anger management. We wish him the best.
And that’s The Sports Intellectual Report for this week. Thanks for watching, and be sure to tune in next week for a behind-the-scenes look at the wives of professional athletes without their makeup.
“The Good With The Bad: Technology In The Early 21st Century”
I love high-def games,
But my plasma screen broadcasts
In walleye-vision
My plasma screen does this... does yours?
“Manly Thoughts On Football”
Football is for men!
Give me “frozen tundra” games!
(When I’m on my couch)
“How To Get Nowhere Fast”
Floor it in neutral
And you’ll get the same result
As a conf’rence spat
"My conferenc is better!" "No, MY conference is better!" " No, MINE is!"
THE JADED SPORT FAN’S BIBLE
BOOK I
“VENTING TO THE MAN UPSTAIRS”
Verse 1:
“I Swear To God, If I Hear That Phrase One More Time…”
Sports talk. So cliché.
But then, you know what they say…
It is what it is.
Thanks for that.
(Author's note: while listening to sports radio the other morning, I heard the phrase "It is what it is" three times- before 6 AM!!)
Verse 2:
“Oh, Please, God- I Don’t Ask You For Much...”
T.O. with a ring?
Spontaneous combustion
Would be far better…
Can you say "insufferable?"
BOOK II
“PREACHING TO THOSE WHO WILL NEVER LISTEN”
Sermon 1:
“The Error Of (Literally) Putting Yourself Above Others”
Luxury box folks:
I hope your self-importance
Is worth those nosebleeds
"We're so much better than everyone else that we don't even need to see the game!"
Sermon 2:
“The Error Of Disobeying The Eleventh Commandment”
Basketball coaches:
Your subs can’t cross the sideline-
Lead by example!
"Why should the rules apply to me? I'm a coach! Blatantly stepping onto the court of play during games and berating officials is part of our culture!"
“Is No One Paying Attention?”
“Forget about us,”
Said the Buckeye to the blog world,
“Pile on the Bruins!”
The real Buffalo Bills of college sports?
2006 Final Four: Florida 73 UCLA 57
2007 Final Four: Florida 76 UCLA 66
2008 Final Four: Memphis 78 UCLA 63
“A Normal Conversation Turns Into A Complete Joke”
Two jocks in a bar:
“Why do fat chicks blow the best?”
“Because they have to.”
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. (The previous haiku was based on a true story)
“PEELED ONIONS: KEEPING THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE”
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Forgiven Spoiled Athlete 1:
“A Fraternity’s Founding Father”
Folks love Elway now
But boy, did he cry and cry
When the Colts took him
"I WON'T play for the Colts! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!!!"
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Forgiven Spoiled Athlete 2:
“A Fraternity’s Newest Member”
Sure, Eli’s a champ,
But don’t you ever forget
His Charger tantrum
"Looks good, huh? Well, don't get used to it..."
“We Hold This Truth To Be Self-Evident… Or At Least We Should”
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Why not just schedule
An extra half hour for games?
They never end on time!
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(Much like this haiku, which contains 6 syllables in the third line instead of the customary five. This was done intentionally as an example of art imitating life, but I figured none of you peasants would get it, so now I am relegated to providing this remedial explanation which invariably detracts from the brilliant subtlety it was intended to convey. I hope you’re all happy.)
Does your chest have that overrated, muscular look? Do the stares of drooling females make you want to vomit? Are you tired of having nipples that don’t come to a cone-shaped point?
If you answered yes, then listen up as we tell you about an exciting new product called Gynobol! That’s right- Gynobol, the first-ever steroid GUARANTEED to induce gynecomastia!
What’s gynecomastia, you ask? Well, it’s a condition that causes men to grow female breast tissue… and it’s taking America by storm!
Don’t be the last guy on your block to experience a slice of girl puberty. Try Gynobol today!
Here’s how it works: In most cases, gynecomastia occurs when the body converts exogenously introduced testosterone into estrogen through a process called aromatization- but the unique formula of Gynobol skips the middle man! You see, Gynobol comes from an abandoned treasure trove of Communist Bloc steroids, recently discovered in a Bulgarian warehouse. It’s literally been on the shelf so long that the original testosterone has denatured and miraculously aromatized on its own! That means Gynobol delivers up to 5 mg of pure, hot flash-triggering estrogen in every dose!
But don’t take our word for it- Just ask these satisfied customers:
“Bench presses, pushups, cable crossovers. I tried them all. My pecs grew, but my nipples stayed exactly the same! Talk about frustrating! Then a friend told me about Gynobol. 48 hours after my first injection, I felt an unmistakable tingling sensation- my buds were starting to sprout! Within two weeks, they had blossomed, and I was off to shop for a training bra. Thanks, Gynobol!”
-Sam
Raleigh, NC
“I tried those ’other’ steroids and all I got was a bunch of useless muscle. Gynobol gave me the side-effects I was looking for without all the pesky results. And I’ve never been more in touch with my feelings!”
-Shawn
White Plains, NY
“My chest was highly developed- especially the upper portion. People told me it protruded from my clavicles like a majestic ridge, and that I could serve cocktails off of it. Unfortunately, the only beverage I wanted my chest to look like it could serve was milk! I thought things were hopeless, but with Gynobol, I went from this:
to this!"
-Jamie
Sioux Falls, SD
Still not convinced? Listen to what this expert had to say:
“As a doctor who specializes in hormone replacement therapy, I typically give my patients 1.25 mg of estrogen, AM and PM, for a total of 2.5 mg a day. Short of an impending gender reassignment surgery, the 5 mg of estrogen found in Gynobol is twice the dosage I would ever feel comfortable administering. If you’re looking for a dangerously irresponsible way to ruin your chest, I highly recommend Gynobol.”
-Rajhi Chandanishumarajiva, MD
How much would you pay to have a pair of headlights pointing the way everywhere you went? $500? Think again! $200? Not quite, my friend! Call now and we’ll send you a bottle of Gynobol for only $19.99, plus shipping and handling! That’s right- only $19.99!
But wait, there’s more! Order now and we’ll include a free pair of Shrinkerz, the extra-small jock strap for men with hypogonadism.
Remember: The discovery of Gynobol was a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence, so supplies are limited! When it’s gone, it’s gone!!!
To order, call 1-800-GYNOBOL or visit a Mexican pharmacy near you.
Bzzzzzzzzzzz... Guess who? That's right humans, it's your friendly neighborhood Sports Fly! All apologies for my absence, but I found this cow whom it gave me particular pleasure to annoy. You know, land on the eyeball, get blinked off, land on the eyeball again... that sort of thing. Endless entertainment, to be sure, but as you know, it's never too long before I'm back to my usual rounds. There's simply too much love inside me to deprive you of the perspective that only a fly on the wall can provide.
Bzzzzzzzzzzz... And that is precisely what makes today's installment so special! Undoubtedly, each of you has wondered from time to time what it must be like behind the scenes at the Worldwide Leader, and 1/14 inch body size notwithstanding, I am really no different from the rest of you. So here I am in Bristol, Connecticut for a visit to ESPN Studios, where hipster producers are said to rule with iron fists and silver tongues.
Bzzzzzzzzzzz... Hey, one of those mythical producers is meeting with an intern right now! What a perfect place to start!
PRODUCER: How's the editing going for tonight's "Blink-And-You'll-Miss-It Overstimulating Rock n' Roll Highlight Reel"?
INTERN: Well, I've got it all cued up. Take a look for yourself and tell me what you think!
(14.3 SECONDS LATER...)
PRODUCER: What the hell is this?
INTERN: It's the "Blink-And-You'll-Miss-It Overstimulating Rock n' Roll Highlight Reel".
PRODUCER: No. It's just not. I hate to tell you this, but I can actually focus on the images. I'm not sure who trained you on the ESPN-style highlight loop, but if it's edited properly, I shouldn't be able to tell if I'm looking at LeBron James or Secretariat. Think strobe light, my friend! Strobe light!
INTERN: You got it!
PRODUCER: Now fix it up while I go have a talk with Steve Berthiaume. He did the "say hello to my little friend" thing one time too many and his numbers on the "Now" index went way down.
Bzzzzzzzzzzz... A "Now" index, eh? That sounds interesting, but the melancholy piano music I hear can only mean one thing: They're about to tape a segment for that new sports journalism show "E-60". These guys are real pros, folks- definitely worth checking out!
REPORTER: Well, first of all, congratulations! You hit .343, and drove in 130 runs. I'd say that's a pretty decent year, wouldn't you?
BASEBALL PLAYER: (TURNING RED) Heh, heh. Pretty decent, I guess.
REPORTER: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all well and good, but as a legitimate sports journalist, that's not really my concern. Now something happened before the season that changed your life forever, didn't it? Something terrible...
BASEBALL PLAYER: Yes, something did happen.
REPORTER: What was it?
BASEBALL PLAYER: Well, my father and I were vacationing in the Australian Outback and he was mauled by a kangaroo. We rushed him to the hospital, but by the time we got there, he had lost too much blood and they couldn't save him. An hour later, he was gone. He was the one who taught me how to play baseball...
REPORTER: Tell us what he said to you as he lay there in that hospital bed, dying- dying a deadening death- a death so deadly it rendered him dead. And lifeless. Forever.
BASEBALL PLAYER: He told me to go out and be the best baseball player I could be, and that he would always be with me.
REPORTER: And tell us what was it like to stand over him at the very end when he physically died, torturously and irreversably, to the point of deadness.
BASEBALL PLAYER: Oh, it was horrible. It felt like a part of me had just died, too.
REPORTER: Did it make you... sad?
BASEBALL PLAYER: Yes, incredibly sad.
REPORTER: Did it make you want to... cry?
BASEBALL PLAYER: Yes.
(SHORT PAUSE)
REPORTER: And...?
(LONG PAUSE)
BASEBALL PLAYER: And it was probably the hardest day of my life.
REPORTER: (TURNS TO PRODUCTION CREW) Oh, screw it! Just spray the onion fumes already so we can wrap.
PLAYER: Can I still talk about my foundation for victims of kangaroo attacks?
REPORTER: Look, you just cost me an Emmy. Don't you think you've done enough for one day?
Bzzzzzzzzzzz... How depressing! Now I know why I regurgitate my food. But fear not- I just found an interview that should be a little more upbeat! A new job candidate has just arrived with dreams of joining the ESPN Deportes family... And we're off!
PRODUCER: Como que pasa, mi hombrino? Welcome to ESPN Deportes. I'm Perry Nissler, and you are?
INTERVIEWEE: Gustavo Ordonez, sir.
PRODUCER: Well, pleased to meet you there, G-Ord! Have a seat and we'll get this thing started.
INTERVIEWEE: Actually, I prefer to be called Gustavo.
PRODUCER: I'm sorry, G-Ord, but that's not the ESPN way. You see, we have a little saying around here: "First initial, first syllable". That means we take the first initial of someone's first name and the first syllable of his last name and combine them to form his ESPN name- just like we do with every athlete we mention in our broadcasts. Derek Fisher is D-Fish. Tracy McGrady is T-Mac. And I'm Perry Nissler, so what does that make me?
INTERVIEWEE: P-Nis?
PRODUCER: E-zizzle-zaclty! You're a quick one, G-Ord! So tell me, what qualities make you the right guy for this position?
INTERVIEWEE: Well, I have great people skills- and I'm also very gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal -oriented!
PRODUCER: WOW! You just earned yourself some dap, young man! How long have you been waiting to use that line?
INTERVIEWEE: My whole life, sir. Just being here is a like dream come true!
PRODUCER: Alright! Let's get you behind the desk and have you read a little from the teleprompter. Sound good?
INTERVIEWEE: I'm ready!
PRODUCER: OK, rolling in 3, 2, (POINTS AT HIM INSTEAD OF SAYING "ONE")
INTERVIEWEE: In a spirited contest with minimal rioting, Atletico Nacionale defeated Sportivo Luqueno 3-0 to pull into a tie with Sao Paolo atop Group 7 in early round action at the 2008 Libertadores Cup.
PRODUCER: Cut, CUT, CUT!!! G-Ord, why are you not reading with a South American accent?
INTERVIEWEE: Because the words are written in English, and they're intended for a North American audience. Plus I'd feel like a complete tool if I spoke in a phony South American accent just to create some transparent sense of authenticity.
PRODUCER: You just don't get it, do you, G-Ord? Leave now, and don't come back until you're ready to sell out!
INTERVIEWEE: Whatever you say... P-Nis! (EXITS)
PRODUCER: (TO HIMSELF) What did he just call me?
Bzzzzzzzzzzz... Jeez, that was scarier than Chris Berman during a commercial break! No more interviews of any kind fo me, thank you. Let's get our creative juices flowing instead with a little visit to the corporate think tank. Oooh! Looks like the Research and Development team is already there! I bet they're busy concocting the next super-fresh idea to hit the airwaves...
PRODUCER: So, Jason... what hip, new ways have you come up with to say "sponsored by"?
JASON: Well, I'm thinking "charged by" would be a good one, as in, "and now for the 'Blink-And-You'll-Miss-It Overstimulating Rock n' Roll Highlight Reel', charged by Duracell batteries." And I also came up with "infused by", as in, "and now for the Pre-Fantasy Draft War Room, infused by Vitamin Water."
PRODUCER: Oooooooooh, yes! YES!!! I can feel an infusion of hipness overtaking me as we speak! Well done, my protege. Dap for Jason, everybody! (TURNS TOWARD EMPLOYEE #2) And how about you, Randy? What uber-trendy substitutes have you created for the term "home run"?
RANDY: Well the first idea that hit me was inspired by my college physics classes, and that one is "completing the circuit"- not to be confused with "hitting for the cycle", heh heh heh... (SILENCE)... You know, because when a guy hits a home run, he completes a circuit around the bases... (MORE SILENCE)... yep... so... anyway... the next one I thought of was "mashed tater", because "tater" is already a term for a home run, so I figured "mashed tater" could be used when a guy hits one like, 500 feet... or something like that... (EVEN MORE SILENCE)
PRODUCER: I'm not feeling the "it", Randy. I'm ####eless over here. Now give me something catchy while I go and scold Neil Everett. He did an NCAA bracket report and said "favorite" instead of "chalk".
RANDY: Will do.
PRODUCER: Oh, and Randy?
RANDY: Yes?
PRODUCER: You'd better start thinking more like Jason or you're gonna wind up working at Fox.
