Tampa Bay Bucs' Michelle          vs.         San Francisco 49ers' Geneva

 

 

 

 

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/p>

 

 

 

 

 

  Kansas City Chiefs' Monica                        vs.                              Seattle Seahawks' Megan

                                          

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                             Miami Dolphins' Renee            vs.                St. Louis Rams' Amy

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           Cincinatti Bengals' Jessica                 vs.            Washington Redskins' Tiffany

               

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ROUND 1: Each match-up will be displayed below.  Leave your comments with your vote for as many of the match-ups as you want to.  Votes will be tabulated in 2 days to determine who moves on to Round 2.  Use the scroll bar at bottom of this blog to view the right side of chart.

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                 Philadelphia Eagles' Brianne         vs.            Tampa Bay Bucs' Michelle

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Minnesota Vikings' Brianna                    vs.          San Francisco 49ers' Geneva

                           

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           Dallas Cowboys' Crystal                       vs.            Kansas City Chiefs' Monica

                 

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              Buffalo Bills' Jaqueline                        vs.       Seattle Seahawks' Megan

    

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                        Miami Dolphins' Renee               vs.       Houston Texans' Angela

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             St. Louis Rams' Amy                              vs.               Carolina Panthers' Memi

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         Jacksonville Jaguars' Alexandria        vs.      Cincinatti Bengals' Jessica       

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        Washington Redskins' Tiffany        vs.              Indianapolis Colts' Tanya

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10: In tennis, why do some players like Venus Williams let out loud grunts each time they touch a ball?...

9: What happens when a NASCAR driver has to go to the bathroom in the 101st lap of a 500-lap race?  He obviously can't pull over and stop the car...

8: Why are there no underwater camera crews for the women's swimming events?  Particularly either head on shots or from the backside?

7: When George Steinbrenner passes away, will the world's debt with the Devil finally be settled?...

6: Does Scotland's soccer team wear kilts when they play their games?  Do the camera crews have to edit their footage of the game each time one of the players does a bicycle kick?

5: Isn't pole vaulting just a high jump event where you're allowed to cheat with a stick?

4: Why is the ball in "softball" ... hard?

3: How many days will pass in the training camp of the team who picks up Marcus Vick before Vick gets arrested for liquoring up some of the players' 12 year old daughters?... 1?  2?  First day?

2: They say that Lance Armstrong's heart pumps about 20% more blood through his body on each pump than the average person...he doesn't appear to be flush red anywhere that's visible on his body...so where is all that blood going?...

1: Why do QBs lick their fingers before placing them underneath the center's rear end, after having already placed their fingers there on the previous play?...

...

The end.

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That's right, I have no favorite football memory, and me having nothing to say on the subject says a lot about the state of the new era of professional football in America, considering I have been an avid fan of the sport my entire life, and not a fan of just one team either.

The sad state of the sport is that there are no more heroes in the game; the last one announced his retirement during his Super Bowl MVP speech following the Broncos' defeat of the Falcons in Super Bowl XXXIII, and even he has a somewhat selfish track record.  John Elway, like Eli Manning, refused to play for the Colts, who had the #1 pick in the 1983 draft and were set to select him.  They were forced to swing a trade with Denver.

If Elway and his prima donna attitude is the epitome of a player in this new age of the NFL that you can feel good about cheering for, what does that say about the rest of the league?

I don't have a favorite football memory because the players in the games over the years have made the games decidedly unmemorable for me.  Ok, I don't mean "unmemorable" in the literal sense, but there is no single game that stands out in my mind as absolutely great for no other reason than because behind every great performance, there were at least 3 or 4 players on that team who had committed some pretty disturbing crimes or said some pretty obnoxious things prior to those games. 

When I see Randy Moss make an amazing catch, then lateral the ball backwards over his shoulder as he's falling down to a sprinting teammate who heads for the end zone, I think, "My god, that was spectacular," but then the images dance around my head of Randy Moss basically telling the world that $78 million isn't enough of an incentive for him to do his job as well as he can unless he feels like it ; what a slap in the face to the common working man who will never see even a hundredth of the money Moss makes to simply play a game.

When I see Ray Lewis dance around after obliterating a running back and forcing a game-saving fumble for his team, the images dance around my head of Lewis covering up a murder scandal by paying off the accusors.  Preventing the truth about how a human life ended from being uncovered is worth about one game's paycheck to Lewis.

When I see Terrell Owens come back early from a severe ankle injury to try to help his team win a Super Bowl, the images dance around my head of Owens insinuating his former teammate, Jeff Garcia, is ####, and of Owens publically humiliating his offensive coordinator on the sidelines during a game by screaming the coordinator's headset right off of his head.

Every team has at least a few of these players -- murderers, child molestors, thieves, selfish jerks, wife-beaters, coke dealers, illegal gamblers, criminally violent individuals, etc. -- who ruin the memorable status of those great games I could have come to love.

Where are the Joe DiMaggios?  The Ted Williams'?  The Babe Ruths?  The Gale Sayers'?  The Walter Paytons?  The Johnny Unitas'?  Where are the guys who made entire nations cry with their farewell speeches?  Where are the guys who could be dying of cancer and yet still have the thoughtfulness and humility to take the time to thank their fans for the great memories they have provided them?

Gone...left behind in a distant past of heroes and affable characters who set the stage for the high-priced, selfish, spoiled criminals who litter the fields of today.  A player who makes the game memorable is now nothing more than an ancient relic.  What does it say about the NFL today if I say my most memorable game was a replay o####ame played before I was even alive?  Football has already experienced its golden age, and it's doubtful that it will ever return again.

I remember Lou Gehrig's retirement speech word-for-word (heard it on The History Channel) because I've never heard a more poignant and heartfelt speech in my life.  Gehrig considered himself "the luckiest man alive" not because he made a lot of money or became famous, but because he got to play a game he loved for a living, and he got to play it in front of his throngs of adoring fans.  Players like Gehrig -- players who show a genuine love of the game and the fans -- are a thing of the past.

I subconsciously committed Gehrig's entire speech to memory verbatim, yet I consciously repressed everything I heard in Terrell Owens' selfish, finger-pointing speeches to the media following his Super Bowl loss to the Patriots, then watched in horror as he took off his shirt and performed crunches on the driveway of his multi-million dollar mansion in front of media cameracrews for no real reason whatsoever other than to pompously show off.

You want to know what my most memorable football game is?  I'm still waiting for it to happen, and it'll happen when I watch any game at any point in the season where neither team has a player whose antics make my skin crawl.

Colts Falter; Manning Promoted
Posted: January 16th, 2006 4:17 p.m. CST
Author: John Doe

The Indianapolis Colts were defeated yesterday by the Pittsburgh Steelers, 21-18, with a thrilling final quarter that all but ended on a missed 46-yard field goal by Indy K Mike Vanderjagt.

Peyton Manning was inconsolable after the loss, but had some advice to give to his offensive linemen after the game:

"Wow you guys suck.  Start up a WNFL and join it.  Maybe you might block a blitz or two there, [jerks]."

Head coach Tony Dungy responded to the media this morning with a characteristically calm and cool demeanor:

"That [stuff] sucked."

Star wide receiver Marvin Harrison offered some words of support for maligned kicker Vanderjagt:

"Vanderjagt blows man.  How can you miss that [stuff]?  Seriously...what the hell?  The ball actually hit a fan on the 50-yard line when it came down.  That's how [expletive] wide right he kicked that [stuff]!"

Vanderjagt quickly pointed out that Harrison failed to produce in yet another big game for the Colts, adding, "Shove it, momma's boy."

In the final few minutes of the game, Pittsburgh S Troy Polamalu appeared to have intercepted a pass from Peyton Manning, which would have essentially iced the win for the Steelers.  However, referee Pete Morelli overturned the call after a replay challenge and ruled that Polamalu did not maintain control long enough before he inadvertently kicked the ball out of his grasp.

The NFL acknowledged Monday that Morelli erred when he overturned the call on the field, and had the following to say about the officiating:

"####."

After the Colts drove down the field and scored a touchdown and 2-point conversion, the Steelers were forced to punt on their subsequent possession, giving the Colts one last chance to either tie or win the game.  However, on 4th-and-long, Manning was sacked at the Colts' 2-yard line.  The Steelers took over possession with a little over a minute remaining, but on the first play from scrimmage, Jerome Bettis took the hand-off, then promptly fumbled the ball, which a Colts defender raced back to midfield before being tackled by Ben Roethlisberger.

A fan's own camera recording of another part of the field, analyzed later in the night by the NFL, actually showed referee Pete Morelli shooting a horse tranquilizer dart with a blow gun at Jerome Bettis just prior to him fumbling the ball.  When confronted with questions as to why he did this, Morelli responded, "What the [expletive] was I supposed to do?  Let him score and put the game out of reach for Indy?"

Manning has since asked the front office to appoint him a dual title role on the team as both starting quarterback and head coach, citing Tony Dungy's complete and utter submission to all of Manning's decisions in the game as reason for the promotion.

"Did ya'll see when I waved off that punt team? [laugh] I wear the pants on this team; that's why I should be head coach," Manning quipped, then added, "...and oh yeah, [Dungy] sucks."

Dungy responded to his demotion to assistant head coach under Manning in his usual relaxed manner.

"[expletive] this [stuff], man."

*** Tuesday, January 10th ~ 8:47 A.M."

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Chris: Hey doodz, brought the donuts.

Peter: Did you remember to get the sprinkles?

Chris: Chocolate, right?

Tom & Peter: Rainbow...

Chris: D'oh

Tom: Screw it.  We don't have time for this.  We have to read these damn blogs.

Peter: Oh come on, let's just fake it like we did when we picked the finalists.

Chris: *snicker* Haha all of those dweebs thought they actually got picked on purpose!

Tom, Peter, & Chris: ahhahahaahahfdhspaipofhashahahaha!!

Tom: I have to take credit for hitting Doc's name on the wall with my dart to make him a finalist.  Look at the frenzy of activity he drummed up in this place!

Peter: Ya that was l33t.  I was actually getting bored until that stuff came up.  Hey who's gonna call that dufus and tell him we're cuttin his a**?

Tom: Lemme do it!

Chris: No, me!!

Tom: I'm pullin rank on this one.  There's nothin I love more than delivering bad news and listening to the reaction.  Love that ####!  haahaha ahahhaaha *cough* *hack* *wheeze*

(Sounds of Tom choking from laughter)

Chris: Wait, what are we gonna do for entertainment once he's out?

Peter: Was thinkin' about maybe deleting one of the finalists' blogs just for fun to get some excitement around here.

Chris: Wanna do it now?

Tom: How 'bout we just make a blog that points out a couple of finalists that we think are our favorites, get their hopes up...then CRUSH them by eliminating them!@!! ahaahahaha that'd be so kewl!

Chris: No doubt!  It's not like any of these geeks gets to see the real average scores.  We'll just make them up at the end of the week and eliminate all of the ones we said were good.  Gawd I can't wait to see them cry aaahahaha

Tom: Remember last week when that dewd went off on us for sending that funny elimination letter?? AHAHAHAHA

Peter: Oh man that was so l33t.  I was cracking up when I wrote it up.  I can just imagine their faces when they read that.  "This doesn't mean you're not a great person...you're just not a great sportswriter!"  AHAHAHA l33t

*Sound of Chris & Peter high-fiving each other and cheering*

Tom: Shut up!! Kareem might hear us.  You know him.  He's a snitch man.

Chris: Don't be such a wuss Tom.

Peter: Listen, are we really planning on actually giving all that money to the winner of this thing?  I mean do any of them actually think they're good enough to be real sportswriters like us??? ahahahahaha

Chris: For serious.  Buncha freakin amateurs.  Didn't even spell gyst right!!

Tom: Oh, I know!! I'm tooootally telling him that in our comments to the finalists too ahaha.  G-Y-S-T!!  He spelled it g-I-s-t!! Ahahahaha

Peter: Wait, isn't that how you spell it?

Chris: No, fool.

Peter: Dood shut up.  It is.

Tom: You're stupid

Peter: No look!

(sounds of typing on a keyboard)

Peter: See!  Right here!  Dictionary.com is spelling it G-I-S-T ! ahahaha dorks!!

Tom: ... Shut up.

Chris: Screw it.  Let's just tell him he misspelled it anyway.  Hopefully no one else knows the right way either and they'll just assume he was misspelling things like we say!  We'll destroy the dude's rating!! L33t !!

Tom: Dood totally.  Hey, I just got another idea...how bout in the final elimination, we eliminate BOTH of them!!

Chris: Score!

Peter: Genius!!

Tom: Hell yeah!  ...You think it might upset them?

Peter: Of course.  Have you been reading the blo...

Tom & Chris (interrupting): NO!

Peter: ahahaa no really though, seriously check that stuff out man.  That place is a soap opera.  They get mad about EVERYTHING.

Tom: So?

Peter: I'm not sayin it's a bad thing bro.  I can't wait.  This place'll go nuts! It'll be SOOO funny!!

Chris: Hey look at that I did get a rainbow sprinkles...but I only got one...

Tom: I want it

Peter: NO, it's MINE

Tom: Back off, pipsqueek.  I'm the boss.  I get the damn rainbow sprinkles.

Peter: That's it, beer gut.

(Sounds of fighting and a high-pitched voice that's still recognizable as Chris's goes screaming off into the distance)

(Chris's voice from a distance can be heard)

Chris: Are you two done in there??

Tom: IT PUTS THE LOTION ON THE SKIN OR IT GETS THE WHIP!!!!

Peter: CHRIS!  HELP!

Chris: Dewdz, I was just kidding.  I have an extra rainbow sprinkles ahahahahhaa

Tom: You're fired Chris.

Chris: Wtf?? DOOD

Peter: Ahahahaha

Tom: You too.

Peter: OMG

Tom: Both of you get the hell outta my office.

Chris & Peter: Fine!  Screw this place! 

Peter: By the way TOM, I never did like your "Living in Captivity" show!  How bout that?!?!

(Door slams shut)

Had a brain #### and realized after someone pointed it out that I did 3-7-3 instead of 5-7-5, but accidentally deleted rather than edited, so re-posting

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Cannibal Tyson

Ears too tasty to ignore

'Least for man-eaters 

 
That Napoleon

Dynamite on the dance floor

Oh, Kelly Rippa

Brett Favre love abound

rampant in John Madden's head

The baller LeBron

Rich, famous beyond belief

 
Coach Mike Tice fired

Similar to "Coach" Dauber

But a tad dumber

 
Jessica Alba

More bikini movies please

Ron Artest starts fights

Mad fans throw cups of liquid

Then he attacks them

 Carroll wins most games

Did not know he would finish...

A giant loser
 

Tough Chicago Bears

Number one defense prevails

This season no longer
 

Kobe calls his home

Tells wife that he loves her, also

Asks for a pre-nup
 

Hockey stars unite

Strike will get them more money

And even less fans
 

The Governator

"Mr. Universe" long ago

Now simply, "The prune"
 

Peyton Manning's Colts

All at fault for loss except...

Peyton Manning, 'course
 

Surfing legend Laird

Best surfer of our time, but

Needs to change that name
 

Basketball's Yao Ming

Seven-foot-six and proud, and

Chinese Mom's Six-three!
 

Fast & Furious

Cars not NASCAR's best feature

It's all Danica
 

Sorry, pro soccer

Unpopular in the States

  But you're too boring!

Longhorn Vincent Young

  Texas hero won something...

Indianapolis is in pandemonium right now, a day after the Super Bowl favorites, the Colts, were upset in the divisional round of the NFL playoffs by the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Peyton Manning's blaming his offensive line, some in the media are blaming James Dungy's suicide, and Colts fans are blaming... Manning?

Mr. All-America and NFL golden boy Peyton Manning catching the ire of Colts fans...that sentence seems as preposterous as saying a sequel to "Brokeback Mountain" starring Jessica Alba and Jennifer Aniston wouldn't be an instant classic.  That's what you'd think if you never visited the numerous Colts message boards around the internet yesterday evening.

To the contrary, fans everywhere are clammoring for Manning to figure out how to win the big game soon or move on.  One fan on a message board located at http://colts.theinsiders.com suggested that both Manning and Dungy need to be canned soon.

Manning isn't black.  It's a fairly self-evident realization, I know, but one that carries significance for the purposes of comparison to other QBs -- black QBs -- around the league who have caught flak from their fanbase in the past...namely, Daunte Culpepper and Donovan McNabb.  Both QBs have heard mumblings from the public on numerous occasions that question their worth to the team.  Granted, both QBs have performed at less-than-ideal quality in several important games, but overall, neither team could possibly hope to find a better replacement.

Peyton Manning says, "Right back   The real problem here, though, is not in how the fans have
             at ya, Indy fans."                   criticized these QBs; it's in the way those who seek to disprove their criticisms have immediately thrown the race card into the fray and quickly assumed racism must be the root of all evil.

...Ridiculous, considering everyone knows George Steinbrenner holds the championship belt for his expertise in the field of evil-doing.

A team like the Colts, Vikings, or Eagles should be able to hold its head up high when it has a QB of the calibre that these 3 QBs represent, and yet each team now possesses at least a small portion of fans who are disbelieving of the QBs' true value to their teams.  However, only now, with the addition of Manning to a list he probably would rather not be a part of, are we able to see the dynamic of fan criticism without regard to race...that is, of course, unless someone is willing to suggest racism is what spurs on the hatred of a white player.

It is fairly evident, now that 2-time NFL MVP Peyton Manning isn't such a V.I.P. in Indy at the present time, that fans question players' values to their teams based on expectations of complete perfection, and the players' subsequent lack of attaining it. 

The psychological babble I want to use in support of my theory is the notion that we, as humans, are conditioned to remember the negative more vividly than the positive.  Think back to your childhood.  What memory instantly pops into your head when you try to think of some significant memory in your history?  It's probably going to be when your pet hampster became the 1-course dinner for your bulldog Spike, when you asked Jane to the Prom, and she promptly pointed out that your pepperoni pizza face will grease her up too much in the slow dance, or when the nun who instructed you in Sunday school rapped a ruler across your nether region for daring to utter the phrase, "Big ####," in class.

We remember these things because they help us learn to protect ourselves from future misfortunes.  We don't need to remember the positive as strongly because having that situation reoccuring sometime in the future won't be a threat to our safety.

In my vein attempt to steer this blog back to its original point, I wish to draw the parallel between our remembrance of the negative and our inclination to lose faith in the most visible and important player               You'll remember this ruler when   on a sports team.  When we remember the negative over the                                    you're fifty!
positive, our opinions of that player are clouded and biased; it's not rooted in racism. 

Don't get me wrong...there are some racists out there who hate Culpepper and McNabb simply because they happen to be a little more resistant to sunburn (flip through Mark Fuhrman's roladex and you will probably find a few dozen right away), but there are many who are quick to assume that everyone who dislikes these players must be a racist.  Being white obviously didn't protect Manning from the same undue criticism that his black counterparts endure, but I'm betting Rush Limbaugh and the leader of the NAACP won't be making any comments on that fact any time soon.

The bottom line is that the fans who dislike their QBs should stop hating on their own players and instead turn their rage to a much more pressing, urgent matter that is much more deserving of public outlash and cries for change -- why on Earth did Universal Pictures not release a "Brokeback Mountain 2: When Good Girls Go Bad" follow-up?