Big Brown suffered a foot injury on Sunday during a workout at Aqueduct, tearing part of his leg. It is believed that the horse will not be able to return from the injury, and he called a press conference at his home stable to announce his retirement. "Wow, it's been a wild ride," said Brown from behind the podium. "I want to thank everyone who has followed my lengthy career over the past 5 months. It felt like it might never end, but this is a young horse's game anyway. At the ripe old age of 3 and 3/4, I feel like I can barely compete with these young studs out there. I want to congratulate all those who won $4.80 at the Kentucky Derby by betting on me, and thank you for believing in me."

Big Brown then started to weep. "I'm going to miss being in the stable after a big race, eating hay with all the boys. I'm going to miss the rush of people cheering for me as I round that track. I'm going to miss the excitement of waiting to hear which of my horse friends were horribly injured this week because of substandard training regulations. I'd like to thank Poppa's Old Boots, Charleston's Volley, and At Least I'm Not Glue. We had some good times out there boys."

A reporter asked Brown what he will do now. "Well, I'd like to say I'll retire to a pasture with my wife and family, where I can just enjoy my time. But, they don't allow me to have a wife really. A man just comes in with a giant tube that collects my semen to sire other horses for money. I guess I'll retire with him, and the semen tube." Big Brown then began to #### uncontrollably all over the podium and those in the front row. "Oops, I'm sorry about that. I'm just an old horse after all. But I guess now all of you have some 'big brown' to remember me by."

"Thank you for being such a class act," said a reporter, wiping the #### from his eyes.

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Officials at the Belmont are upset at the decision by IEAH Stables, the owners of Big Brown, to accept a sponsorship from Hooters for the upcoming third leg of the triple crown. Hooters, pioneers of chicken wings, tight orange shorts, and flirting with overweight business men during their lunches in hopes of netting a bigger tip, will have their logo featured on Big Brown’s jockey for the race. The sponsorship has really ruffled the feathers of track officials whose race has been sponsored by local restaurant Cooters, purveyor of raw clams and cutoff jeans, for the past 15 years.

“I don’t want our illustrious race to be tainted by something like this Hooters business,” said Belmont Charmain Ray Hewitt, “When people watch this race, they get hungry, a hunger we want them to satisfy with a hot, wet, dripping clam from Cooters. But now, they might start thinking Hooters instead. Unsatisfied business men only get one meal per day they can eat away from their wives. We don’t want them to have to choose between Hooters and Cooters. This sponsorship is very upsetting.”

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Churchill Downs, the site of this year's tragic death of Eight Belles, will honor the fallen horse with a re-enactment of the event at a matinee race tomorrow afternoon. Academy Award winning actor Tom Hanks will be playing the role of female horse Eight Belles in a 3-hour play portraying the events of the thrilling 2 minute race. Many feel the re-enactment of the event is disrespectful to the memory of the horse, and others are wondering about the accuracy of the script, penned by Star Wars scribe George Lucas. Some of the more questionable aspects of the play are a scene in which Eight Belles hacks a Russian missile defense computer to avert a nuclear war, a training session in which she breaks the sound barrier, and a graphic sex scene between Hanks' character and an actual horse.

"It's always a little embarrassing to do one of these love scenes," said Hanks. "But when you're both in there and in the heat of the moment, you can almost forget you're acting. I've been in love scenes with some truly great Hollywood actresses, but this male horse I did the scene with named Mr. Biggles really got into the moment and I thought he would actually mount me at times. Luckily trainers were there to separate us and put away his spear-like phallus."

Paul Giamatti will play the mob boss who breaks both of Belles ankles when she refuses to give up the location of her family. "I think it's a very daring role to play," said Giamatti. "It's very bold, to play the person who was responsible for this horse losing its life, but it's been a role I'm excited to take on and make my own. This is a very dark story, but it has an ultimately great ending wherin Eight Belles inspires Big Brown to go on and win the Triple Crown. In doing so, he liberates all horses from their human oppressors and they take over the world in a bloody fued. It's an epic story, but I think in the end when the son of Eight Belles is finally free, in peace, and sitting around a table with his family eating cooked brains out of the skull of an extinct human, it's going to bring a tear to some people's eyes. I'm just happy to be a part of it."

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It was a grim scene Saturday at the Kentucky Derby as runner-up Eight Belles finished second, but broke both her front ankles in the process. This led to a shocking scene as she had to be euthanized on the track immediately following the race. Many believed it was due to the injury she suffered, but it may have been due to the incredibly high standards set by his jockey, known in horse racing as Gabriel "1st Place" Saez. Animal groups such as PETA want the jockey held accountable for his actions, but he hasn't been seen since ordering the horse to be put down following the finish of the derby.

Saez has a long history of questionable behavior. He was treated in 1994 for severe internal bleeding after performing a home surgery on himself to remove his left kidney, which he considered to be the 2nd place finisher to his right. "It just wasn't filtering my urine as well as the other one," said a dazed Saez in the hospital. "There is only room in my body for winners." He also came in second in a photo finish back at Pembrook Downs in 2003. Later that week the CEO of Polaroid was found dead in his home along with a note that said "Get Your Cameras Fixed". The crime was never connected officially to Saez.

Even the trainer of the horse Eight Belles has gone into protective custody until Saez can be found. "He doesn't accept second place," said a scared J. Larry Jones. "He will get me for not training her to have stronger ankles. I'm just hoping they find him before it's too late."

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