The NBA Playoffs are beginning and we here at TSC are going to break
down the matchups by their mascots, the thing that really matters.
Lakers(1) vs. Nuggets(8): The
embodiment of the great lakes of Los Angeles, the Lakers have been a
force in the NBA since moving out west from Minnesota. They face the
Nuggets, who have not ever been a force even in their own city. Neither
of these mascots make enough sense to be involved in a fight with each
other, as I'm not even sure what a laker is. But nuggets are little
rocks of gold, and I feel that rocks need to be punished for being
bested by paper in the game of Rock-Paper-Scissors. I don't know why
rock didn't complain when the three of them were sitting around decided
on the rules for that game. But now rocks are known as ####, and the
Nuggets are about to pay the price for this. Prediction: Lakers 4-0
Hornets(2) vs. Mavericks(7): The
bees take on the dreaded horse/basketball hybrid that is the Mavericks.
This series will be a bit closer, as the Mavs have some talented
players, but the Hornets are very under-rated. They are a bug, yet they
still wear oversized shoes and big mime gloves. They are out to
embarass the Mavs, and there will be little they can do to stop them.
Before they became a big blue horse basketball, the Mavericks mascot
was a cowboy. We here at TSC have obtained medical records from back
them stating an allergy to none other than bees. They swelled up like a
baloon when stung by them several years ago and changed their mascot to
hide this fact. Look for domination by New Orleans in this one. Prediction: Hornets 4-2
Spurs(3) vs. Suns(6): Those
sharp things that go on the back of cowboy boots versus not one but
multiple suns. This is a very tough matchup, as nothing has beat a sun
in a fight son far to date. Many say Tim Duncan could defeat a sun, and
NASA has looked into launching him towards the nearby solar system of
Alpha Centauri, as their sun has always been a #### to us. But the
Duncan-sun theory is yet unproven and I think he would merely burn up.
I think Shaq and Phoenix scores an upset in this one.
Prediction: Suns 4-3
Jazz(4) vs. Rockets(5):
Just like the Lakers, if there is one thing Utah is known for it is its
Jazz. But they face a tough opponent in the Rockets. I used to watch
underground fight videos of jazz players against retired Mark IV Soviet
Union rockets that took place in brazil. The site has now been closed
by the government, but let me just say that I had never seen a jazz
player win. Something about turning on your rocket boosters into the
face of an 70 year old musician that just makes the contests short.
Yao
Ming said his team has become too soft, and that is the reason for
their under-performing this season. To rectify this he recently brought
the team to the streets of China to compete in the secret underground
sport of arm-wrestling in hopes of making them tougher.
China is
known throughout the world for its brutal arm-wrestling matches,
conducted in dirty run-down drug houses and alleys. Things such as
thumbtacks, battery acid, and even fire are placed on the sides of the
competitors, awaiting the arms of any losers. Many Chinese
arm-wrestlers don't last more than a few matches into their careers due
to extreme injury.
Yao Ming decided exposing the Houston Rockets
to their lifestyle was the only way to harden them up and get them
ready for the rest of the season. He took them there to challenge them
to a competition himself, to show them how tough the Chinese are. Once
in one of the more famous arm-wrestling houses he sat down across from
each teammate and dueled them, with the loser's hand being slammed into
a pile of hot coals.
Shortly into the first match with Tracy
McGrady, Yao remembered he has arms like a 14-year old girl and lost
within a matter of seconds. After playing all members of his team, and
losing handily to each one, Yao no longer had use of his right hand.
But, his teammates all learned a little lesson about toughness.
Starting
on Monday the NBA is moving forward on its initiative to modernize it's
product. In addition to putting microphones on some players, something
other sports have been doing for years, they will also have some
players doing live game blogging. "We really want to get aboard this
whole blogging fad, and what better way to feature it, than to have
players do it during an actual game," said NBA commissioner David
Stern. "We have bought a couple of these things called 'laptops'. They
are like real computers, only smaller! We might even start getting them
to use in the NBA offices."
Manu Ginobili reluctantly wore the
blogging device during a recent game and reported it was very unwieldy
on the court. The laptop only had to be replace 3 times due to being
broken or smashed. But fans on the web loved reading some of the
insightful posts from Manu such as:
I
can't believe Britney Spears wore that in public! She really needs some
parents in her life!(Posted along with a photo of Spears at a club
opening)
I am dribbling down the court, and I think I'm going
to score now...Nope, the ball just got stolen out of my hand. I guess I
should have been paying more attention.
Many NBA players
are reporting anxiety over having to wear the device. Dwayne Wade and
Tracy McGrady are decidedly against the idea, saying it will impede
their shooting ability. "Blogging is what's hot right now, and we're
all about getting our players with the hottest things happening around
the world," said Stern. "Also hot right now, I'm told, is something
called a Soulja Boy. I'm in talks to get one of them strapped to Yao
Ming some time in the future. All this innovation is very exciting for
the NBA."
The
referees accidentally allow a rabid wild basketball on the court and it
immediately attacks Luke Walton, as I'm sure we all would if we made it
on to the court.
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Yao
Ming said his team has become too soft, and that is the reason for
their under-performing this season. To rectify this he recently brought
the team to the streets of China to compete in the secret underground
sport of arm-wrestling in hopes of making them tougher.
Starting
on Monday the NBA is moving forward on its initiative to modernize it's
product. In addition to putting microphones on some players, something
other sports have been doing for years, they will also have some
players doing live game blogging. "We really want to get aboard this
whole blogging fad, and what better way to feature it, than to have
players do it during an actual game," said NBA commissioner David
Stern. "We have bought a couple of these things called 'laptops'. They
are like real computers, only smaller! We might even start getting them
to use in the NBA offices." 
