Like O.J. Mayo, Tyler Hansborough, and Michael Beasly, yet another player has declared himself eligible for the upcoming 2008 NBA Draft. But this time it's Washington Wizards point guard Gilbert Arenas. The move has stunned basketball GMs around the league as they scramble to update their draft boards to accomodate the superstar. This is the first time an active player has re-entered the draft while currently playing.

Arenas is a 7th year player out of Arizona, and will be by far the oldest in this year's draft. But, a player of his caliber demands consideration by every team, as he has consistently put up 20+ points when healthy with the Wizards. He was originally drafted in 2001 by Golden State. "It's been 7 years, I think I've fulfilled my commitment to the league when they drafted me the first time," said Arenas. "It's time to be drafted again. It was fun, and I think it's the only way I can finally escape these damn Wizards. We just can't beat Lebron. I need out, hopefully a Western Conference team can pick me up or something."

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The NBA Playoffs are beginning and we here at TSC are going to break down the matchups by their mascots, the thing that really matters.

• 
  Celtics vs. Hawks: Hawks have long been the bane of midgets hailing from Ireland. Their fued dates back to the 1400's, when giant hawks would swoop down and grab them from their fjords because of the attraction to their gold buckle shoes. But these are modern times, and the Celtics have a lot more going for them now. Mainly their having hands, and hence the ability to shoot a firearm, is going to spell trouble for the birds as they can easily be shot out of the sky. I predict a Celtics victory. But if that Hawks want to have a chance they are going to have to go after the Celts only good eye(the right one). They could also get lucky and reap the benefits of a lung cancer diagnosis mid-game due to the Celts love for pipe smoking.
  
  Prediction: Celtics 4-1
  
  
• 
  Pistons vs. 76ers: One of the battles that I have only seen before in my greatest of dreams, car parts against people from the year 1776. I think too much has changed in the past 200 years for the 76ers to be competitive in this series. They are still riding around on horses, wearing those triangle hats, and writing articles of confederacy. Look for the Pistons to drive right over the Sixers while they are in the middle of the street attemtping to draft a declaration of independence.
  
  Prediction: Pistons 4-1
  
  
• 
  Magic vs. Raptors: It's magic versus velociraptors. To get a proper feel for this movie you have to look at the popularity of the two mascots. Raptors were all the rage back in the 90's with the Jurassic Park films, but now it's all about Narnia, Harry Potter, and Lord Of The Rings. Magic is everywhere and Orlando is going to tap into this pop culture relevance to put away that red #### wearing oversized dinosaur shoes. Also, it is very tough to maintain good ball control with a three-fingered claw hand. Magic win in a closer one.
  
  Prediction: Magic 4-2
  
  
• 
  Wizards vs. Cavaliers: The magic users take on the men trained in arms and horsemanship. This is also an age-old fued that dates back to the middle ages. Cavaliers nearly drove Wizards to extinction, both in the old war and the last few years in their playoff series. I think it's finally time for the Wiz to strike back. Firstly, look how flexible they are. There is no reason why that pose is even necessary, yet they are doing it. Also, they can levitate a basketball and point at the sun at the same time. That takes skill. Their skills will narrowly overcome that of the Cavs.
  
  Prediction: Wizards 4-3
  

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"Remember when we were healthy and actually had to play for this awful team?" -Gilbert Arenas

"Yeah, those were bad times. But I think my ankle is almost healthy again, I might have to start this weekend." -Caron Butler

"Hahaha, sucker. That's why I was sure to have my wife hit me several times in the knee with a bat before the season, and once before bed." -Gilbert Arenas

(AP Photo/David Zalubowski)

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With their 3rd loss in 4 games last night to the Washington Wizards, the Boston Celtics fell to a lowly 30-6. "The standard set by Boston sports teams is extremely high, and the Celtics simply aren't living up to it by merely having the best record in all the NBA," said Lord Chief Curt Schilling of the Boston Sports Confederation. The BSC is a group of the highest ranking sports figures in the Beantown area including Manny Ramirez, Jonathan Papelbon, Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Marc Savard of the Bruins.

The statement from Schilling pre-dated yesterday's loss to the Wizards, and makes the BSC prime suspects in the crime that happened following the game. After the 88-83 loss, the Celtics were leaving TD Banknorth Garden(their stadium is actually named this nonsense) when they were accosted by a group of unknown attackers. They were left bloody and beaten behind the arena, and police are looking for clues.

Chief Inspector Roger Gadget was put in charge of the investigation. At a press conference he called for all Boston citizens to come forward if they had any information about the attack. He said he had no leads as of yet, but that he was looking for them with all of his ability. He then proceeded to yell "Go Go Gadget Helicopter", at which point giant blades came out of his hat and made him fly up into the air. While Gadget has yet to find any clues, a little girl and an anthropomorphic dog who were also at the scene told The Sports Comedian they had a su####ion it was the BSC behind the attack.

"When you read the quote they made about the Celtics it gets you thinking," said the girl who identified herself as Penny. "I've analyzed the body of Paul Pierce here. Now, someone obviously beat him, mostly in the face, and then took a #### on him. But looking at the #### you can see there is Northern Idaho corn in that very feces. There is only one place that serves Northern Idaho corn in the area, and that is a KFC that just happens to be less than 3 miles from Bill Belichick's home. Also notice the indentation on the forehead of Kevin Garnett here, it's from a ring so big it could be one of only two types. Either Kobe Bryant's I-didn't-rape-that-girl ring he gave to his wife, or a Super Bowl ring."

The anthropomorphic dog then interrupted her. "Yeah, there is all that. But then there's also this..." He took out some tweezers and pulled a gold object out of the arm of Ray Allen. It was a small golden flag that said "2007 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox". Curt Schilling could not be reached for comment, apparently he has taken a vacation out of the country.

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Peter Pan stopped by the Wizards-Celtics game to sprinkle fairy dust on everyone and make them fly. This generally ####ed things up, as gravity is essential to basketball, and it took a good hour to get the game going again. Peter Pan is such an a**hole.

(AP Photo/Michael Dwyer)

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With the Cleveland Cavaliers' LeBron James sidelined for a fourth straight game with a sprained left index finger, the Washington Wizards took advantage to beat the Cavaliers 105-86 on Wednesday. Washington's past two playoff runs were ended by Cleveland, including a sweep in the first round last spring when the Wizards were without Gilbert Arenas and Caron Butler.

But this game was different than the others as the Wizards employed real magic to defeat Cleveland. "I don't know how this happened," said confused forward Drew Gooden after the game. Midway through the 3rd quarter the Wizards turned him into a talking donkey. He was ejected from the game after 5 quick traveling fouls as he tried to dribble with hooves. "I'm a fan of Shrek and all, but this is not as cool as I'd imagined it would be. I keep ####ing nonstop, and this tail keeps whipping me. I can't control it! Can they turn me back now please?"

The Wizards used a variety of tricks to claim victory over the Cavs including making the ball disappear for 5 minutes, sawing Zydrunas Ilgauskas in half, and pulling a rabbit out of the shorts of PG Daniel Gibson. Antawn Jamison spoke about the magic his team performed on the court, "We did some excellent tricks out there tonight, but the crazy thing about the rabbit one is that one wasn't even a trick we practiced. I just felt some animal moving around in his pants when I was guarding him. I'm glad it turned out to be a rabbit, and not just the guy getting aroused by magic tricks."

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